August 31, 2000
I was on the can and thinking. I usually do that, because i dont need to concentrate on flushing my bowels. It all just sort of...comes out without any kind of effort. But ILL.. Gross.. you dont need to know that. But I was thinking, maRfiles is getting too depressing. All i do is bitch and moan and whine whine whine about all my problems. So then... I decided, I'll just write whiny things every other entry. Or whenever I need to release my emotions. Bleh. Now I have nothing to say.
August 29, 2000
It's only been 2 hours since nEmO and I have been apart. I've been online those two hours, just pondering and pondering and reading other peoples' thoughts to stray from beginning my own train of thought. Because I know that if my brain storms up a topic of its choice, the topic will always end up being nEmO. So I went into Gerard's domain, thinking... "Gerard's thoughts will keep my brain occupied." Well, SURPRISE SURPRISE! What does he choose to write about? His relationship that is going absolutely nowhere and how completely crushed and disappointed he is in his almost girl. WELL THANKS GERARD! So I ended up in AsianAvenue editing the nEmOmAr page, and clicking on every possible link that reminds me of this guy. THAT'S REALLY HEALTHY! So I start to miss, and I begin to get misty eyed once again, thinking of how sad it was to know that I am no longer WITH my mind twin. At least as long as I'm online, there's no possible way I can wake his sleepy ass up to talk about what just happened. But then again.... I don't think we talked much anyways. It just kinda... happened. *PIRATE* Now I'm debating whether I should stay online or page him to say I miss him. Because I do. For now, I know we should really CHILL. But it's like... ARGGHHH. I don't know. I just wonder if it was a mistake. And I still wonder what's running through his mind. I don't feel it anymore. I just can't think and KNOW like I used to.
August 28, 2000
I have this huge pit of emptiness inside, and a black hole in my mind. Something’s missing in my life…. Or rather… I just lost someone in my life. End nEmOmAr. 8.19.00-8.28.00 It’s not like I lost my mind twin. We’ve decided to chill for a while. So is the connection lost? Has that weirdly wonderful telepathic bond disseminated forever? Maybe, maybe not. Only time can tell. “Maybe all we need is time.” I shoulda listened to that the first time. But I hate how I’m feeling right now. Because I know that what has happened is right, but it still hurts. Even if we didn’t last for that long, even if we never uttered those three little words to each other… we cared for each other. We had this unbelievable bond. What we had was special and whatever it was can’t be described as anything less than wonderful. The emotions, the jokes, the um….”pretzels.” Those are all treasured moments. I have this heavy burden in my heart though. Because I know that if only we had a little more time, that if we would have waited longer, or gone slower, that we would have lasted longer. But nothing can change what has already occurred, and the only thing we can do now is wait and see what happens. At least the both of us came out a little bit wiser and a little bit stronger. And next time… if there is a next time, who knows.
By the way... my first day of school sucked, parking is a bitch, and today i came to the harsh realization that I'm SUCH a freshman. Keep this in mind... No matter how prepared you are, no matter how much you think you know what will happen, you will never be able to predict the outcome, or know how it feels until you EXPERIENCE IT.
August 27, 2000
At the moment I'm talking to my friends that are going to start school with me tomorrow. COLLEGE. Whoa. I never expected this. THIS. State... AWWW MAAAAAN. If I saw myself now... like 3 years ago... or even LAST year.... I'd be sooo disappointed in myself. The things I've been doing, the people I've been with, the school that I'm going to, my job. SHEESH. I'm such a LOSER. No, I'm not a loser. Not in many peoples' eyes. Just in mine. Because I've become incredibly AVERAGE. I hate being average. I've always strived to be ABOVE all of that. I've always worked my booty off to rise above the rest, squish the competition, and exceed all expectations. And now look at me. Plain Jane maR.
August 25, 2000
At one point in my life I thought I had complete control over myself. I thought I knew myself well enough not to stray. Not to go and do stupid things. I thought that I knew how to think before I acted. In the past month, I’ve done things that have totally blown my mind. Things that i've told myself for many years that I would NEVER do. Things that I have been TOTALLY against my whole life and always despised the people that did those things. Now I'm just a hypocrite. Where is the Maria that I thought I knew? What happened to my strong will and good judgement? I think those all faded away when I began to realize what kind of shitty life I’ve been living. But then again… half of me says “Fuck it, you’re a fuckin loser… stop trying and just have fun.” The other half is saying “why make it worse for yourself?” So this whole month, ive been a walking ball of jumbled up feelings, just living from moment to moment. Granted those moments have been one hell of a great ride, but when I look back on it, I just begin to regret. This isnt me. This isnt the Maria I know. Or is it that I’m going through a mid-life crisis at the age of 18? MAAAANNN that means that I’ll be dead before I turn 40. That or be really fucked up in the head that I’ll cease to exist.
August 23, 2000
Lolitas is beginning to disappoint me…. I ordered a California burrito today. I usually gobble those things up like it was nothing and feel the fullage later on. But today… I couldn’t scarf the whole thing like I usually do. It was too dry. And the hot sauce sucked. And it was nothing but fries. I actually had to open up the thing to look for the small dabble of cheese and sour cream plopped in the little corner of the burrito. They got too popular. That’s what happened. Damnit.
August 28, 2000
I have this huge pit of emptiness inside, and a black hole in my mind. Something’s missing in my life…. Or rather… I just lost someone in my life. End nEmOmAr. 8.19.00-8.28.00 It’s not like I lost my mind twin. We’ve decided to chill for a while. So is the connection lost? Has that weirdly wonderful telepathic bond disseminated forever? Maybe, maybe not. Only time can tell. “Maybe all we need is time.” I shoulda listened to that the first time. But I hate how I’m feeling right now. Because I know that what has happened is right, but it still hurts. Even if we didn’t last for that long, even if we never uttered those three little words to each other… we cared for each other. We had this unbelievable bond. What we had was special and whatever it was can’t be described as anything less than wonderful. The emotions, the jokes, the um….”pretzels.” Those are all treasured moments. I have this heavy burden in my heart though. Because I know that if only we had a little more time, that if we would have waited longer, or gone slower, that we would have lasted longer. But nothing can change what has already occurred, and the only thing we can do now is wait and see what happens. At least the both of us came out a little bit wiser and a little bit stronger. And next time… if there is a next time, who knows.
By the way... my first day of school sucked, parking is a bitch, and today i came to the harsh realization that I'm SUCH a freshman. Keep this in mind... No matter how prepared you are, no matter how much you think you know what will happen, you will never be able to predict the outcome, or know how it feels until you EXPERIENCE IT.
August 27, 2000
At the moment I'm talking to my friends that are going to start school with me tomorrow. COLLEGE. Whoa. I never expected this. THIS. State... AWWW MAAAAAN. If I saw myself now... like 3 years ago... or even LAST year.... I'd be sooo disappointed in myself. The things I've been doing, the people I've been with, the school that I'm going to, my job. SHEESH. I'm such a LOSER. No, I'm not a loser. Not in many peoples' eyes. Just in mine. Because I've become incredibly AVERAGE. I hate being average. I've always strived to be ABOVE all of that. I've always worked my booty off to rise above the rest, squish the competition, and exceed all expectations. And now look at me. Plain Jane maR.
August 25, 2000
At one point in my life I thought I had complete control over myself. I thought I knew myself well enough not to stray. Not to go and do stupid things. I thought that I knew how to think before I acted. In the past month, I’ve done things that have totally blown my mind. Things that i've told myself for many years that I would NEVER do. Things that I have been TOTALLY against my whole life and always despised the people that did those things. Now I'm just a hypocrite. Where is the Maria that I thought I knew? What happened to my strong will and good judgement? I think those all faded away when I began to realize what kind of shitty life I’ve been living. But then again… half of me says “Fuck it, you’re a fuckin loser… stop trying and just have fun.” The other half is saying “why make it worse for yourself?” So this whole month, ive been a walking ball of jumbled up feelings, just living from moment to moment. Granted those moments have been one hell of a great ride, but when I look back on it, I just begin to regret. This isnt me. This isnt the Maria I know. Or is it that I’m going through a mid-life crisis at the age of 18? MAAAANNN that means that I’ll be dead before I turn 40. That or be really fucked up in the head that I’ll cease to exist.
August 23, 2000
Lolitas is beginning to disappoint me…. I ordered a California burrito today. I usually gobble those things up like it was nothing and feel the fullage later on. But today… I couldn’t scarf the whole thing like I usually do. It was too dry. And the hot sauce sucked. And it was nothing but fries. I actually had to open up the thing to look for the small dabble of cheese and sour cream plopped in the little corner of the burrito. They got too popular. That’s what happened. Damnit.
August 21, 2000
Work was fun today. I hooked up a lot of people. No samples. Except these mini pretzels we decided to make cuz we were lookin for something that would kill some time. How cute. But people were wondering why i stuck toothpicks in them. No one ever realizes that they're supposed to be soft pretzels. I'm watching Mulan. This is a tite movie. I think its because Disney finally paid attention to Asian history. And funny that most Disney movies arent made in America. Bleh. Chatting is fun. i like it when people think im a guy. Cuz they dont jock me. they talk to me like a person.. like a homie. Bleh. Nevermind. Some things peopl jez cannot understand. Where are my racer buddies? hee hee. School starts in one week... geez. i dont wanna go back. I wanna have a summer first. This sucks. It's not interesting anymore.
August 20, 2000
DIIIIIIRRRTYYYYYYYY!!!!
Happy 16th Birthday to my Ading... CHRIS LLANES. hmm....i've been thinking.. should i put up an active forum on this site? i was gonna add a chat room too, but it might be kinda whack if people dont go there much. bleh. oh wells. we'll see what happens in the months to come.
August 19, 2000
nEmOmAr....
nuff said
August 18, 2000
I havent been this mad in a long time. My computer doesn’t even make me this mad. Rodel at prom didn’t even make me this mad. Not even Genel or school has ever made me this mad before. Wanna know what.. or WHO the fuck is making me this mad? MY MOM. Fuck her. I don’t give a fuck about what the fuck she has done for me my whole life anymore. What the fuck can I even say that she has done for me my whole life? She has put a roof over my head, she bought me clothes and food until I was about 15, she gave me rides to school, she gave me rides to work. That’s it. Not much support concerning school… all she did was yell at me when I got anything below an A because I was already pullin straight As and anything below wasn’t acceptable. So basically my motivation in school my whole life was my fear. I tried to convince myself that I was getting good grades for myself, but after a while I had to stop fooling myself into believing that. I only tried hard because I knew that if I didn’t then I would be in a lot of trouble. But when I did succeed in getting good grades, in being at the top of my class, being involved in every possible extra curricular activity and actually maintaining a respectable position… you’d think that my parents would be AT LEAST proud of me right? WRONG. They would complain about how I do too much. How I didn’t do enough housework around the house (even if I did my share of work). Bitch about how I got an A- on a test. About how I was spending too much of my own money on shit that they wouldn’t buy for me but I HAD to buy for school or something. And all this time that I was working my ass off to be someone, you would expect my parents to at least support me right? WRONG. Apparently my parents don’t want me to be independent, but they expect it of me. For a long time they wouldn’t let me get a job, but they expected me to buy my own clothes and when I went out (whenever that happened). So finally I was working, I was getting straight As (as always), I was doing good in all of my activities, and working around the house. What happens? They start bitchin about my boyfriend who was half-way across the country. The fact that I have one bothers them. That this wonderful guy that helped me become a better person and even joined the Navy so that we could have a bright future together called me everyday from Chicago. GEEEZ. They got bitchy because of PHONE CALLS? There’s no pleasing my parents. NO FUCKING WAY. I’ve tried. I’ve listened. I’ve been a good girl. I’m working my ass off to try not to end up like them. But its like they’re trying to mold me so that my life ends up like theirs. And yet this is a life that they are not happy with, their kids arent happy, and they’re basically barely living any kind of life. I DON’T WANNA LIVE MY LIFE LIKE THEM. But in their own way their keeping me from achieving my dreams. In their own way they’re turning me into this little copy of them. No money for college. I have a car that I cant use. I cant even leave the house for college. I’m fuckin 18 years old and I cant go out with my friends without their supervision. I have bills to pay already, I was holding down two jobs at the same time, I’m about to start college… which I’m paying for on my own……. And I still cant leave the house to go for a walk without asking first. I know twelve year olds with more privileges than me. I know 9 year olds that have more freedom than me. And don’t tell me this “The way that they raised you is good because you grew up with morals” kind of shit. I know people that grew up with morals and freedom. KNOW WHY? Because they came from a loving, supportive family. They had good parents. They had opportunities. What the fuck do I have? A roof over my head. My car when no one is using it and if my parents are in a good mood (which is hardly ever). That’s it. Do I have freedom? NO. My mom considers going to work and going to school “going out.” So I’ll be a full time student this fall, I’ll have a full time job… so that basically means that the very few leisure hours that I will have will be spent at home crying. Or trying to figure out how the fuck I’m gonna get out of this place. Two choices come up in my head….Army and Navy. But I wanna finish school first. But then again… I don’t think I’ll be able to hack it. Even though my lungs suck and my eyes suck, and I cant do 2 pull ups to save my life, I know that boot camp and 20 years of service will be a lot easier on me than 4 more years in this house. I bet I could be at Stanford with a full scholarship right now if I got any kind of support and encouragement from my parents. Or at least a UC like I wanted to. But what happened? STATE. Because no one thought ahead to save money for my education. No one thought that I could do it. No one thought that I could actually amount to anything. My dad expected me to join the military. My mom was too busy trying to keep me in the house and yelling at me about stupid shit to help me out in any way. So what the fuck am I supposed to do? Maybe my very little dependence on them is my way of getting some kind of attention so that they would notice that “hey, I cant do this on my own, so can you please help me?” But each time I ask for help, I just get yelled at. Like I’m supposed to do everything on my own without any kind of help. But maybe I should start realizing that these people that were around to support my meager lifestyle are only around because I am not disposable. Because if I end up on the street, they will be tagged as “bad parents.” And that’s all they care about anyways. I cant remember a time that I actually felt loved in this household. No one has ever really stopped and thought about what the fuck I would like to happen. All of my presents were shit that they lagged on getting me for so long. The only two people that has ever really thought about me in this whole fuckin house are my older brother and the brother right after me. My older one understands that SOMEONE has to take care of the feelings of the children in this family. My younger one is the other middle child and he understands where I’m coming from. The youngest one in the family doesn’t understand shit because he’s the only one that my parents pay any kind of attention to, or listen to, or buy stuff for. My other brothers and I always have to find ways to get money to buy our own shit. When we try to get any kind of attention from our parents, we’re disregarded or yelled at for bothering them. Even just by sitting around them while they get ready for work, we’re marked as nuisances and told to go away. We’re not even doing shit. Just sitting there hoping that someone will ask us how our day went, or a simple “hello” or “how are you doing” or “is everything okay.” Nothing. But I should be thankful right? That I even HAVE parents. That these people that created me and financially “support me” and that I’m not living on the street. In a way I am thankful that they gave me a room and pay for the electricity and water. But the way I see it, and the way that I will always see it is… if they are not around to support us, and if they expect me to do everything on my own, then they should at least ALLOW me to.
August 18, 2000
I read my maRfiles today. Can someone PLEASE tell me if i sound stupid? Tell me now so that I will no longer continue to post my inane thoughts online. And i think i cut my sentences off too short. do you think? I dont understand how i EVER passed the AP English test. I didnt do that great in the class, I didnt study much, and I was on this fucked up sugar high when I took the test. SUGAR HIGH... followed by the worst sugar lag in my life. Then i had to help change a tire. Stupid cheap ass Hyundais. But when i say this.. I AM SO SERIOUS...
SOMEONE TELL ME IF I SOUND STUPID IN MARFILES!!!
ARGGHHHH. Does anything I say even make sense? and am i using uneccessary verbage in this thing? Is anyone reading this remotely intrested? Or are you just reading to play with my head.. even if i dont even know if anyone is reading this. maybe i should just add a counter on here to see exactly how many people read my thoughts. okay nevermind. I'll stop obsessing. I think i obsess too much. It comes from hanging around people that do it. People with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I think my best friend has it. and i think its starting to rub off on me. But i digress. I should really stop digressing. I'm gonna start sounding like MoJo JoJo. I dont wanna sound like a monkey... a smart monkey.. but still... a monkey.
August 17, 2000
My life is such a paradox. Instead of a silver lining on every cloud…. I have splinter in every finger. Wait… I don’t think that’s right. But you get the point right? I hate it. But I love it. Brings a little excitement into my life. I guess that’s what builds character right? All of the ups and downs, the risks, the failures, the successes, the VICTORY, the defeat, the love, the heartbreak… and basically all of the emotions in a rainbow. Right now im in the process of trying to understand what im supposed to feel. But then maybe im not supposed to understand how I feel… but instead to just FEEL. Does that make any sense? I cant wait to get out and start my own life. No more of this dependency on my parents and friends. On my own. No strings attached. Bye bye bye. Haha.. did you get that part? Hee hee.
August 16, 2000
I feel horrible. Just being the person that I am. I feel like a failure when it comes to pleasing people. It’s like… its impossible for me to do it. No matter how hard I try to make everyone happy, it seems like I jez make matters worse all the time. And it doesn’t matter who the person is… whether they’re family or friends or.. uh… significant others. I always end up as a big disappointment. Valedictorian? Not even close. Stanford? State is close enough… the first three letters are the same. Always and forever? Only in the mind’s eye. Short wait? Hardly. Cal Poly Pomona next year? Here’s hoping. Demmit my nose is peeling.
August 13, 2000
o men o men o men! TODAY WAS FUN! Woo hoo! Soak City with the pomona buddies. HEEE!!! YEAH. Whoa. That was hella fun. But anyways… my freakin server is pissing me off.. it keeps deleting marfiles. Maybe it doesn’t like how I think. So I decided to start all over and stuff. Fun right? No, not really. It makes me mad. Cuz it keeps deleting the section whenever I try to save it. ARRGGGHHHH. So here I am.. starting all over again. Sheesh. That’s okay tho.. I guess. It gives me something to do. My babe’s friends are cool. Maan. My friends are cool. YEY! We had fun. I just wanna remember this feeling everytime I feel bad. Giant chain in the lazy pool. Flippin in the wave pool. Almost flyin on Coronado Express. Nemo kickin me in the head after the waterslide. N jez chillin with my friends. =D if u could see the huge smile on my face.. or the excitement in my belly… you would be as happy as me too. Considering the kind of shit that I’ve been having to deal with… you know.
August 11, 2000
I got paid today.. remind me not to spend anymore money. Sheesh. Been paid three times already and all of it is gone already. Where the hell did it go any ways? I don’t know. Whatever. But next payday… just watch.. 25% in savings.. just like I was supposed to do with the previous ones. Geez. Im supposed to be better at this stuff. But I don’t know.. maybe its written that alejandrinos just will never learn how to handle money. Its in the genes man.i though me and my kuya would break that habit.. I guess not. Come to think of it.. I think I will transfer some of that money into my savings account. Hmm… yeah. Right after I sign off. WOO HOO! I’m accomplishing something! Haha. Well.. I guess this is my way of forgetting that today is supposed to be genaria 2.2 yeap.. two years, two months. (I messed up in the genaria archives.. it was sposed to be two years, 1 month and 11 days.) in a way I kinda miss him. But I don’t. I think I just miss what we had. When we were happy together. Not that bullshit that happened in the last months of our relationship. I miss when we were happy. Cuz no one else existed when we were like that. We were in a whole world of our own. And nothing else mattered when we were together. But that was when we knew we loved each other. Now… I dunno. But I think im the only one that’s still confused. GEEZ. I should really stop listening to slow jams when I write this stuff. PIRATE! Here.. have some ORGY lyrics…
If it stayed I’d never leave it. if that turned around id grieve the special dirty things that we used to talk about. I mean that loving you is strange and adored by me throughout, oh no its you again. someday soon you’ll find that someone waiting for the chance to beat you, drooling on the set to feel you, blessing you with every kiss. Tying yourself to me stitch up my emptiness cuz you’re the death of me. so precious, loving the thrill. such the patient one who needs me, the spoiled one who wins, so shocking where’s your sense. don’t you know I hate you so, unsatisfied you little girl (boy) rolling dice and seeming queer, bastard love a sick affair, lets see what new disease you’ll fetch, I mean that fucking you is strange and adored by me throughout oh its you again… blessing you with every kiss so precious you know. this hate of mine exploded im so deranged you know I will never be the same.
August 9, 2000 (afternoon)
FUCK! I swear.... once you think things jez cannot get any fuckin worse.. they do. I get a letter from my fuckin bank today and they tell me i had insufficient funds for my pager. it says "Check number 000145 for $130.40 has not been paid. Your checking balance is now $134.68" WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?! This shit is fuckin gay. and now its gonna go in my fuckin credit history shit. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. Its not enough that my fuckin "love life" and my fuckin home life is all screwed up right? and now my fuckin finances have to be fucked up too? SHIT. I cant fuckin take this shit anymore. Or maybe this is life's way of telling me that i gotta fuckin get my fat ass up and fuckin run some more. SHIT I HATE MY LIFE.
August 9, 2000
I'm getting tired of this shit. I'm not stupid. But why are people treating me like i am? And you know what? im overanalyzing everything. I'm by myself too much... and im starting to think too much. And its getting me all confused. Instead of clearing my mind, i end up making it worse because i'm adding to it. i need to run. or go out. do something that will make me feel the better. FUCK! I need to move out. i need time away from my family. Time to make my own decisions. I made a lot of mistakes already and I've learned from them. GEEZ. Why dont people just leave me the fuck alone?!?! I'm so incredibly fucking pissed about all this shit that is happening, that i dont even give a fuck about what the fuck is gonna happen. At this point, the only thing that is keeping me from going off on everyone is sunday.. so far, ella, paul, nemo, herschel, ann, jimmy, jaz, edwin, lorie, almond n mark are planning to go. =) makes me happy to have a group. the last time i went with a group there was like 3 years ago.. and that was jez bomb diggity. hope theres no drama. hope this all works out. maaan. i need to get drunk. or something. SOMETHING.
August 8, 2000
I NEED TO MOVE OUT. Maann.. my mom treats me like a freakin teenie bopper. i'm an adult already, and im perfectly capable of taking care of myself. all i need is a larger income. thats the only thing thats holding me back. and the only reason that monetary problems are even a problem is because my parents werent smart enough to save for my college education. i should join the military or something. like seriously. because i KNOW i can take care of myself. and i know that i would be on better terms with the rest of my family if i didnt live in such confinement. im so fuckin tired of being treated like im incapable of my own thoughts. YES i DO have common sense. But no one else can understand my mode of thinking. It seems like EVERYONE around me thinks that i am completely unable to think for myself, and that every friend i meet, that every GUY i meet is just out to take advantage of me. HELLOOOOO.. i'm smart enough to choose my friends. I know who's true and who isnt. Even if i act like someone is my friend, it doesnt mean that i consider them a true friend. im not so quick to trust either okay. GEEZ. i consider myself to have a pretty good judge of character. belive me... i hide things very well... THE PERFECT FACADE. Think of it like that. i dont act as smart as i really am. im not really an airhead, or a dits... i just act like that to throw people off. so that they underestimate me and so that i have the advantage. but no one really understands that, so no need to explain.
August 6, 2000
AAAHHHHH.. I updated my site. What a wonderful feeling. No lag. I added stuff, I edited stuff, I uploaded stuff, and I took off a lot of “friends.” I even updated my upload servers and stuff. I love that feeling of accomplishment. Isnt it GREAT? I love it. But anywho… dang.. today was jez another mar day. Oh yeah… do u guys even know what my name means? To keep it short, it means "bittersweet" and basically… that’s how my life is… BITTERSWEET. What a paradox…jez like me… cuz that’s how Libras are. And that’s what I am. So basically… that’s the story of my life. I should write a book. Nah. But anywho… nemo came over… YEY… but we were sposed to go to church, but my mommy wouldn’t let me out, then we were sposed to go to plaza, but my mommy wouldn’t let me out. But oh wells.. in the end, nemomar 14. Haha. 14…. Hey that’s a cool number. =D but booo… I got a lecture… about how im too friendly or whatever… whatever. I dunno… what does she expect me to do? Be a bitch to everyone I meet, yet still be a sweety? Eh… yet another conflict in my life right? I don’t need this. I need to move out. PIRATE…. Im tired of living under strict rules. Maaaan…. College was sposed to get me out of it.. .and now.. sheesh. I dunno.. JOSIE. Oh yeah… uh.. if I say JOSIE, that means “whatever” if I say PIRATE that means "arrrggghhhh. Stupid rite? But hey… leave me alone.. that’s how I talk.
August 5, 2000
12 days SSELSOY, 13 days NemomaR. Maaaaan. Can you say VROOM? Twin Turbo. Okay. A lot of people don’t get that. But its okay. Im jez trippin again. Ive been doing that a lot lately. Maaaan. Theres a lot of powerpuff girls stuff out there. I was reading YM last nite and there was actually an ad for the merchandise. That’s crazy. Is it the teeny boppers? Maybe not. But I dunno. Sucks. Im starting to feel like a typpie. Come to think of it, I always seem to feel like a typpie. AM I? Maan. That would suck if I was. Considering all the crap I talk about them, or not really, but like… how much I don’t like them that much. Arrgggghhh… pirate. Haha. Actually im sposed to be working at mervyns rite now. But I decided to skip work. Like quit outta nowhere. Sorry polly. But I jez cant take that crap no more. I wonder if I can still use my discount card. Hee hee. I need a suit top. Cuz yeah. I dunno… but now its gonna feel all funky going into mervyns. Cuz then everyone knows me as “the girl who quit outta nowhere” and I all come back and stuff. I dunno. Kinda sucks. But whatever. Im a plaza too much anyways. I gotta stop going there. But I really cant help it. Stupid work. I should apply with the airtouch guys. One of them showed me his pay stub. PHATTY. Whoa. They get fat commission on selling like one phone. Then they stay at work for who knows how long, and still get paid hourly. Sheesh. I dunno. That’s tite. He said he’ll try to hook me up. Cuz I always hook them up. And its closer than mervyns. Haha. Like uh.. 5 steps closer than mervyns was. Hee hee. Maan. I think one of the little kids that work at Sphinx likes me. I dunno. He’s a cute kid,…. But I dunno.. that’s dirty. He’s like.. uh… 12 or something. Yuck. But he’s cool. And his daddy might hook it up with threads if you know.. haha RIIIIGHT. GROSS. Im craving chicken. But im trying not to eat so much so I don’t balloon up when we go to white water canyon… excuse me… Soak City. What an ugly name. That is SOOOO corny. But whatever. They never called me back. Bastards. But I cant wait to go… me, nemo, ann n jimmy. That would be so tite if jeanelle n paul could go… so u know.. hook it up hook it up. But I dunno. I would love for those two to get together. Haha. Jeanelle n her big ass feet. Hee hee. I wonder when im going to magic mountain. I have the ticket. But my group is hella laggin. Or maybe I should jez go check my email. Haha.. watch them be there right now. Hee hee. Whoa. I need my tummy to get jolted by some wild rides. Im getting tired of the ghetto road roller coasters in daygo. Road roller coasters… maaan… that’s how ghetto this city is. But no matter how much crap goes on here, I will always love this place. Cuz think about it… the weather is always nice…. Most of the time, and the people are nice, and there are a lot of people I connect with, and hey…. San Diego is BEAUTIFUL. America’s Finest City baby. Hells yeah. Dang. Know what else Ive been wondering? I wonder if I should turn this thing into a dot com. Nah. What a waste of money. You guys can just remember the site name. Hee hee. And when in doubt, go to a search engine and look up mardrino or cheng. Haha. Yeah. Somethin like that. Hey I get to go to church with Nemo tomorrow. =) im happy. I’ve never been to church with a guy… aside from Jay n my bro n my cuzzin. Other than that, no one. Hmm.. I think it was either I wasn’t close enough to the guy, or they had they’re own thing…. Never wanting to go to another parish. Wells, okay, I love St. Marys. Cuz I’m so familiar with it. And like… yeah. The people there. But im open to going to another parish. As long as someone else drives. Hee hee. But otherwise, im goin to my own church and parking in the small ass parking spots getting all paranoid that someone is gonna dent up my van. But it never happens. That’s why I love my church. People there are so nice… they can be dicks when you’re away from church, but once u hit the parking area, then BAM! They’re hella nice. God is wonderful. =) but anyways, I finally met my buddy Nick today in person. Nice car. =) I dunno.. it came outta no where, first he says “I’m headin out to the mall,” and the next thing you know, im washing my van and he tells me he’s coming over. GREAAT first impression rite? Washing my van. Haha.. lookin all like scrubs. What a great way to meet people. But that’s okay… we’re jez buddies…. Good friends that like to talk. I been getting a lot of those lately. And its cool… because I CAN now. Not like before… cant talk to any guys except for homework without getting bitched at. Sheesh. I hate that. If someone ever wants to get with me, he better learn that I am NOT A POSSESSION, I have my own mind, can think for myself, and I know my limits. UGH. I hate being treated like im stupid. Its like… HELLOOOOOOO….. how old am I? How many fuckin traumatizing relationships have I been in? so basically… been there, done that, now let me have my fun. I deserve it demmit.
August 4, 2000
Damn its hot. I feel like im in a sauna in my room. no breeze whatsoever. maaan. so about the concert. WOW. i'm no longer a concert-virgin. Gwen rocks. lit rocks. gwen rocks. that was SOOOOO phat. it was fun. started out with drama, but in the end... WOW. it was cool tho. fourth row center. how the hell did we manage to pull that off? ITS A SECRET! no, some frenz jez saved seats for us. ick. but i saw stinky. but after a while the fact that she was there didnt bother me anymore. cuz gwen rocked. wow. and the lead singer of lit... wow.. what a hottie. haha. and i saw AARON AQUINO. man. i feel like a stalker. i see that guy at every event i go to, and i cant help but stare. and i saw CLIFF. wow. maaaan. i miss those times when we used to kick it. but even then he still didnt know i was alive. ((((((((HEELLLLOOOOOO)))))))) I see those guys EVERYWHERE! I swear... ill prolly have all of his classes next semester and he still wont notice me there.... cuz ill always be "sherwin's lil sis that we used to kick it with." oh well. those guys are jez for looks. i doubt that there could ever be any real chemistry. otherwise... yeah. oh man. i gotta tell Riyah. whoa. i wonder if she went to boot camp yet. come to think of it, i think she's sposed to be leavin today. whooops. oh wells. we werent that close. but still. EHHH. Me n Nemo visited Paul the other nite. Wednesday nite. hee hee. nemo n paul. FUNNNNEEEEEE. awww.. the twins. its cool to jez sit there n watch both of them. haha. its like watchin a mirror. [not that i watch mirrors or anything] and i was thinking... hm... maybe jeanelle and paul should hook up. cuz i figure.... me n nemo are mind twins, n me n jeanelle are mind twins, and nemo and paul are mind twins.... get where im going here? but i dunno. i dont think they're each other's types. paul's face is too round and jeanelle's not girly enough. but i dunno... does paul like GIRLY? eh. i dunno. im not that girly. and hey.. they're both gonna be at the same school anyways. so if they're sposed to be together, then they'll hook up. but dang. that would be tite tho.... cuz they're both smart. and they both think about relationships a lot but have never really been in a really serious one before. and jeanelle-y-pie doesnt like smokers, and paul needs someone to make him stop. and i quote "i need someone to make me stop"---Paul Aquino. haha. so there you go. hmm... as long as paul doesnt smell like skin. haha. but for now, he has that eye thing thats gonna freak out jeanelle. haha. but other than that, they're minds would be goooood together. hey i got ann n jimmy together. =) look how those two turned out. cooool. i talked to kuya sherwin today. i met his girlfriend. man. ghetto. but hopefully its jez a front. she acts like genel. all overprotective and picky. we're DRINOs maaaan. that's how we are. i wish people could understand that Drinos have this weird charm thats kinda irresistable and uncontrollable. Drinos need space and somethin to boost our egos every now and then. haha. but back to my bro. we're havin a little reunion this christmas. JAY IS COMING WITH HIS LADY! wow! we finally get to meet her. and i havent seen him in almost two years. i miss that guy... even if he treated me like shit, n farted on me n picked on me all the time, i always knew that he was there for me. cuz that's my older bro... in a sense. so i miss that guy. and we finally get to meet "mrs. jay" and then my bro is bringin his girl too. kinda sad that all of this is happening after me and genel broke up. that woulda been TIIIITE. Winter Break Crew all over again. awww... but joby and joy broke up too. its okay.. he has his lover Greg. HAHAHAHAH! and he's got his new del sol. i dunno... hopefully by then me n genel have new significant others and all that tension will be gone. so we can all jez have fun like the good ol days. On Leave Crew. maaaan. i loved it. we had a blast ALL the time. out all nite not knowin where we were going.... drama about karen... killin my cel battery, racing in the van, gettin kicked outta the bowling alley, n jez wandering around aimlessly. those times were GREAAAT. but last year.. kinda whack. jay was missing. n charles always had drama with leighann. i wonder if those two got back together again. i swear.... on again off again for like 5 years already. this year will make it 6. SHEESH. thats freakin long. but i dunno... those two.. whoa. i dont know what to think. sometimes i wish i had a relationship like that, but then i get to thinking... i hate drama... and thats all they have. UGH. damn its hot.
August 2, 2000
its morning time and I just realized that it’s greg’s birthday. Maybe I should call. But val might get jealous and I don’t want them to fight on his birthday. He’s 19 today. Wow. We’re getting old. I remember we went out when we were only 16. Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to the years between 16 and 18. Then I remember….genel. I almost didn’t realize that we were together for two VERY LONG years. And I think I’m putting it out of my mind too much. I dunno… my way of getting over the guy. But those two years were wonderful, and I don’t regret any minute of it… well… okay…. I don’t regret any of it. Even through all the fights and stuff, all the drama, he still cared so much. And so did i. But I guess I got too impatient and jez got fed up after a while. Haha. Its kinda funny cuz I always told him to have patience. And look what happened. Kaboom. My fault again. Funny…. Because for some reason, when we fought, we always came to the conclusion that it was his fault. And now…. Its all mine. =T Now im not really sure why im writing about all of this… but I have this feeling that I HAVE to. Damn slow jams. Or maybe I just miss the guy. We had a talk… AGAIN… and he’s trying so hard to be a friend and nothing more. But its like he cant. And I thought about it more… and I realized that I did the same thing with my first boyfriend. Always bothering him that he found another girl too soon, and always trippin on him. And it took me a while to actually accept that he didn’t want me anymore. So I had to move on. But it hurts you know? So I know where genel is coming from, and im gonna try to stop giving him a hard time about it. Because he deserves better. But I just wish that he could get over me already. Because its bad for him to keep clinging on. “its unhealthy.” Sad. Maaaaan. I hate doing that to people. But sometimes I just cant help it. Arrgggghhhh. So anyways… me and nemo had a little talk last nite. About whats up with us. And we came to the conclusion that we are going TOO FAST. Whatever it is that’s between us, its accelerating too quickly and I need some brake fluid. All things considered, I really don’t need a boyfriend. But what do u do when u find someone too fast that makes you so happy? Haha… I know the answer to that one…. Declare it as a rebound. Booooo.but its not a rebound thing. I found my mind twin. My other jeanelle. Its pretty scary what kind of stuff happens between me and nemo. Like… so scary that I have to stop and think about it, but I cant because its sucha trip that I don’t know what to think. We went to the bookstore a coupla days ago and we looked at the astronomical relationship book and looked up our birthdays. You know what it said? Our relationship is “The Perfect Façade”…. In lamens terms… the perfect front. Do you even know what façade means? It means “a false, superficial, or artificial appearance or effect.” [ I don’t know, for some reason, not a lot of people have a full understanding of what façade means.] and it also said that the perfect relationship between two people with our birthdays is marriage, and the worst is family. Whoa, what a paradox. And I dunno… then we went to kaybee. And the things that happened… sheesh. Like we were apart, and we’d pick up toys out of nowhere, and when we looked at each other to show what toy we had, we had the exact same toy. And that happened more than once. I dunno. I dunno. I dunno. Man o man o man. Im thinking too much. I think it’s due to online-withdrawal. I need to chat. Arrgh.
August 1, 2000
So how do I comment on a day like today? Well, work was…. Hmmm…. Good and bad. I had a lot of visitors, some good, some bad. .. but it was the most I’ve ever had come and visit me at work. Genel, Ray, JamieAnn, Nemo, cuzzin Mark, my freshman Krys, and Nic Nic called me. =) usually I only see nemo and ken. But uh.. yeah. I’ve been getting visitors lately… =) jay visited last nite! And I havent seen that boy in who knows how long. NMMI… BOOO. So Genel comes in today asking about Nemo. Geez. Man o man o man. Its funny what kind of shit makes me think. Today I think it was just the fact that I had a little talk with Ray. And that got my brain juices flowing all day. I had a revelation…. IM A LIBRA…. I FEEN… and the only things Libras need to survive is water and attention. Here… lemme quote my book… “the libra woman would have you believe that she is highly emotional. And certainly she seems to sound it. However, what she is expressing is her emotions concerning her thoughts [ translation: Libras don’t know how to keep their brains shut]. This is a woman who is in love with the IDEA of grand love, the cinema of a Technicolor takeoff of a great classic: the IDEA of waltzing on a moonlit beach in white silk with a man so handsome his eyes separate the waters of the incoming tides, the IDEA of a modern-day dragon slayer, strong, muscle-bound and motivated only by the desire to protect her. In her mind’s eye, the Libra woman lusts for a hero, the kind of old-fahioned fellow who is fated to become god-like. However, the sad truth is that the initial reviews are too frequently misleading. For instance, the powerful and courageous prince is really up in flames and starts to look like a smoldering Bronx fire. The towers of the castle crumble and the ominously silent phone starts to make nasty faces. What is a serious, COMMITED romantic to do? To her it seems there is only one practical solution. START OVER. At the end of act three, we have a woman who is about as emotional as John Wayne. What happened to the man who inspired such beautitudes, such bliss, such revelations? Oh, he was just a jerk, she mutters as she cleans out the last of his belongings from her closet. Off she goes into the great beyond and not much longer, a new stud emerges in her life whom she BRIEFLY elevates into a mystic vision of romantic bliss.” Quick translation of all of that….I’m one hell of a tough cookie. If someone disappoints me, no matter what kind of impact they have had in my life, then away they go. I know it seems cold, but I can only stand so much, and I don’t really like to get hurt. I gotta look out for myself, and im not gonna force myself to be with someone, or be around someone that will make me feel horrible or keep me miserable for some time. Even if I make someone else feel like shit…. Then sorry for yah. Here’s a little advice to everyone out there… DON’T EVER LET YOURSELF FALL IN LOVE WITH A LIBRA. Libras are only in love with love. They bounce back quickly. They just love attention. Libras flatter, they flirt, they love beauty. To be the perfect partner for a Libra is IMPOSSIBLE… to even meet the standards set by a Libra woman is nearly impossible. Sad but true. And the worst part is that it is nearly impossible NOT to fall for a libra. Because they are commited, understanding, flattering, intriguing, and the best people to talk to. BUT it’s the fact that unless you’re perfect, then a Libra will never be truly, completely in love with you. AAAHHH but enough love talk. I seriously need to move on… like REALLY be single… not single but really looking for a boyfriend.
Damn its hot. I feel like im in a sauna in my room. no breeze whatsoever. maaan. so about the concert. WOW. i'm no longer a concert-virgin. Gwen rocks. lit rocks. gwen rocks. that was SOOOOO phat. it was fun. started out with drama, but in the end... WOW. it was cool tho. fourth row center. how the hell did we manage to pull that off? ITS A SECRET! no, some frenz jez saved seats for us. ick. but i saw stinky. but after a while the fact that she was there didnt bother me anymore. cuz gwen rocked. wow. and the lead singer of lit... wow.. what a hottie. haha. and i saw AARON AQUINO. man. i feel like a stalker. i see that guy at every event i go to, and i cant help but stare. and i saw CLIFF. wow. maaaan. i miss those times when we used to kick it. but even then he still didnt know i was alive. ((((((((HEELLLLOOOOOO)))))))) I see those guys EVERYWHERE! I swear... ill prolly have all of his classes next semester and he still wont notice me there.... cuz ill always be "sherwin's lil sis that we used to kick it with." oh well. those guys are jez for looks. i doubt that there could ever be any real chemistry. otherwise... yeah. oh man. i gotta tell Riyah. whoa. i wonder if she went to boot camp yet. come to think of it, i think she's sposed to be leavin today. whooops. oh wells. we werent that close. but still. EHHH. Me n Nemo visited Paul the other nite. Wednesday nite. hee hee. nemo n paul. FUNNNNEEEEEE. awww.. the twins. its cool to jez sit there n watch both of them. haha. its like watchin a mirror. [not that i watch mirrors or anything] and i was thinking... hm... maybe jeanelle and paul should hook up. cuz i figure.... me n nemo are mind twins, n me n jeanelle are mind twins, and nemo and paul are mind twins.... get where im going here? but i dunno. i dont think they're each other's types. paul's face is too round and jeanelle's not girly enough. but i dunno... does paul like GIRLY? eh. i dunno. im not that girly. and hey.. they're both gonna be at the same school anyways. so if they're sposed to be together, then they'll hook up. but dang. that would be tite tho.... cuz they're both smart. and they both think about relationships a lot but have never really been in a really serious one before. and jeanelle-y-pie doesnt like smokers, and paul needs someone to make him stop. and i quote "i need someone to make me stop"---Paul Aquino. haha. so there you go. hmm... as long as paul doesnt smell like skin. haha. but for now, he has that eye thing thats gonna freak out jeanelle. haha. but other than that, they're minds would be goooood together. hey i got ann n jimmy together. =) look how those two turned out. cooool. i talked to kuya sherwin today. i met his girlfriend. man. ghetto. but hopefully its jez a front. she acts like genel. all overprotective and picky. we're DRINOs maaaan. that's how we are. i wish people could understand that Drinos have this weird charm thats kinda irresistable and uncontrollable. Drinos need space and somethin to boost our egos every now and then. haha. but back to my bro. we're havin a little reunion this christmas. JAY IS COMING WITH HIS LADY! wow! we finally get to meet her. and i havent seen him in almost two years. i miss that guy... even if he treated me like shit, n farted on me n picked on me all the time, i always knew that he was there for me. cuz that's my older bro... in a sense. so i miss that guy. and we finally get to meet "mrs. jay" and then my bro is bringin his girl too. kinda sad that all of this is happening after me and genel broke up. that woulda been TIIIITE. Winter Break Crew all over again. awww... but joby and joy broke up too. its okay.. he has his lover Greg. HAHAHAHAH! and he's got his new del sol. i dunno... hopefully by then me n genel have new significant others and all that tension will be gone. so we can all jez have fun like the good ol days. On Leave Crew. maaaan. i loved it. we had a blast ALL the time. out all nite not knowin where we were going.... drama about karen... killin my cel battery, racing in the van, gettin kicked outta the bowling alley, n jez wandering around aimlessly. those times were GREAAAT. but last year.. kinda whack. jay was missing. n charles always had drama with leighann. i wonder if those two got back together again. i swear.... on again off again for like 5 years already. this year will make it 6. SHEESH. thats freakin long. but i dunno... those two.. whoa. i dont know what to think. sometimes i wish i had a relationship like that, but then i get to thinking... i hate drama... and thats all they have. UGH. damn its hot.