August 31, 2006
i deserve a pat on the back!!!! today we installed my new rotors and brake pads... gave the ol' boy a good brake-bleed and did some old fashioned seating. HOORAY! be proud of me. i actually accomplished my very first installation that wasn't on the "exterior" of the car. (((cuz i don't count bulb replacements or the really easy stuff... even tho this was pretty easy in itself)))

last night i found out from a friend that Genaro is selling my beloved car Jesse. remember Jesse? the type-R coversion/turbo-ed/spent all of my money and still paying for it NOW integra GSR?!?!?!!? i can't fucking believe he's SELLING IT!!!! i better get some money out of this... cuz i invested SO MUCH FUCKING money in that car and i'm STILL PAYING for it now. i missed a TUITION payment to fucking buy parts for that fucking car!

so needless to say.... i'm fucking PISSED.

aside from that... pane's been keeping me occupied with the move. this boy can't do anything without me. (yay)

we're doing really good, in case you were wondering.

but i just can't shake these dreams.


August 26, 2006
countdown til January 2007. Not necessarily for a new year, ... but definitely a new beginning. I have 4 months to really get everything organized, packed, and maybe even shipped.

*find a job out east close to phoenix
*save up at least $3500 for 2 months' rent, the basic necessities, and relocating costs
*transfer ALL paperwork (bills, subscriptions, bank stuff)
*mentally prepare myself for not living in san diego
*break it to the parents

you think i'm crazy. and that's because I AM. i know it, you know it... we all do.

but this is something i have to do for myself. something that will finally push me into adulthood. FORCE me to have to learn how to deal with things on my own.

the actual plan to do it? i'll be working my ass off. both at starbucks, and i've requested extra hours doing freelance work for Estee Lauder. so now in addition to doing SD county events, i have also signed up for REGIONAL work. this month alone, i have 9 events in irvine, orange, and long beach. (sounds like fun, eh?) it's also a lot of driving.

the biggest downer... since i'll be working seven days a week... i wont have time to drive out to arizona. so i just gotta sit and wait and twiddle my thumbs until he comes to visit in december. =(

woe is me. but all for the best, eh?


August 20, 2006
pane just called me from yuma. it sucks to finally realize that it's really HERE. and he's really in Arizona now. well..2 years to go, and all will be well, yes?

i've been sitting here for quite some time now. just thinking and hashing out with myself the things that i haven't gotten to in quite some time. mainly: partying, dancing, calling, lunching, hanging, galavanting, shopping, and the sort. all the things i did while i was truly single.

i've gotten a few agitated messages from "friends" about how they never see me. not that it's a life-or-death kind of situation... but most of the messages have sounded genuinely angry.

which is what REALLY gets to me. because i have valid reasons for my absence. 1) i was sicker than a dog giving labor with pneumonia. 2)i've been dealing with a lot of shit at home. 3) my work schedule was all higgeldy-piggeldy. and my "friends" just call me a flaker and blame it on Pane for taking up all my time. ((and really.. .the only reason he's been the one person i've actually spent time with is because he's the one that's been taking care of my sick ass))

i've only been MIA for 2 months. and seriously... for them to not understand my situation and be ANGRY about it??!?!?!?!!? that's just not cool. makes me re-think the situation and see if i really want to be around these people.

you learn who your real friends are during tougher times, eh? and during times that you make stupid choices. and this time... I SEE THE LIGHT! hardy har.

in other news: it's been implied that the management wants me to start training for a supervisor position. ::: one which will be available on september 4th. which is less than a month away. which means i would have to do all my classes/training within the next two weeks. cryminy! that's not a lot of time. but considering the situation... i guess we'll see what happens. i plan to talk to my manager about it tomorrow. and a raise would be good right now.

i just hope i don't get STUCK.


August 17, 2006
recent discovery::: i often come up as a subject of discussion in his realm. why? i'm not too sure. and the fact that it's been brought to my attention more often by others not familiar about him is starting to make the gears turn. it could more likely be out of bitterness. or it could be something along the lines of what we used to tease emil about all the time. but who knows?!?! right? i'm leaning more towards the bitterness spectrum. but i guess we'll just have to wait it out and see, right? (((haha! which is so very telling about how our relationship has always been.))

in any case, i already know he's established himself without me. and he has his own life. so is the same story with myself. and whatever happens along this parallel that we keep.... the story will unfold eventually. and to be frank... i'm perfectly happy with that thought.

but sometimes it's like verbal diarrhea, you know?

i actually had an opportunity to catch up on some things at home that i've been meaning to get to. mainly: laundry, some tidying up, re-organizing, dui business, and the sort. it's amazing how much you can get finished when your motivation is to spend time with someone. i don't think i've done that much work for myself in a very long time in such a short amount of time. but when time is of the essence... you just gotta do what you gotta do, eh?

i'm still searching for a residence. phoenix is kinda pushing it.... the closer to avondale, the better. driving out there just sucks.


August 15, 2006
the ghosts of my past have come-a-knockin'!!! yesterday, my very special twin ((nemo)) celebrated his 25th birthday. me... being the most awesomest person EVER... declined his call because i was in the middle of a nap. how. terrible.

brian's 25th is a week away. i'm actually considering getting him the one thing he really wants for his bday. but don't give me that "it's because you're still in love with him and you know the two of you are gonna end up together anyway. so just get over it and give in." speech... cuz it's not the way it is. if it was... that would just make things a million times simpler.

and a close encounter at the bookstore the other night made me realize that i'm not over everything that i've been through. i'm gonna need some time to really think about what i'm getting myself into.

and countdown to pane's bon voyage. he moves to arizona in less than a week. we've spent a total of 18 hours apart this week. know how i know the total hours? .... 'cuz that's the amount of hours i've worked. yeap. it's sickening, i know.

in other news:::: i'll be out of hiding soon. just give me time to re-adjust to the world.


August 9, 2006
stupid internet. i've been trying to check my email(s) so i can see if anyone has replied back to my employment requests. NADA. i can't even log into anything. WTF?!?! i give up.

i'm moving to arizona.

maybe. but i've been looking for a place for the boy since his cousins all bailed and he'll be venturing out there on his own. and frankly....
1) i don't wanna be here while he's out there. i'm too clingy for that.
2) i'm getting really tired of living at home and doing nothing
3) it's cheaper out there. i can manage. and my chances of finding a job are probably better since i'll absolutely HAVE to find something in order to support us.
4) i don't want him to be out there alone.
5) san diego is starting to wear on me.

there you have it. the world has come to an end.

the icing on the cake? everything i've learned from AA has really opened my eyes to things around me, things about me, and the people i choose to share my time with. i love going to meetings now. and yes, i am a recovering alcoholic.


August 4, 2006
baby steps, mar... just baby steps.

i've been trying to coax myself into becoming social again. yesterday i attempted to call 3 people, and succeeded in conversing with one old friend for a good hour or so. the next step? back into the swing of lunches, dinners, coffee, and dancing. but for now... finding that courage to call up friends and hope that they don't hate me for falling off of the face of the planet is still creepin in my shorts.

and yes... i actually HAVE been looking for a better place of employment. as much as i love what i'm doing, and having so much fun doing so... i realize that it's not getting me anywhere fast, and that i'm just using it as a crutch in order to not grow up.

pane pointed out the fact the other day that i am deathly afraid of being an adult. as much as i talk about it.... planNED for it, and in general think of it quite often... the mere step into it frightens me. why? i'm not exactly sure. I just know that i'm having a good ol' time doing what i'm doing and not having any responsibility. i just know that it cant... and it SHOULDN'T last much longer.

and since i will be free of distractions for the next few months (with the boy going out of state for school and not taking any classes this semester).... then i can imagine i should have plenty of time to acquire a full time occupation.... and hopefully, something that may turn into a career path that i might like.

and yeah, i know you've heard it a thousand times... but frankly, this time i'm tired of saying it.