August 29, 2008
RE: the complexity of my relationship with my husband: nothing much has changed. I think this relationship will be one that will forever be unpredictable and passionate. Because I hate him as much as I love him. Libran logic keeps me in place. Actual Logic is tugging at me to flee. At this point, there is no debate that I am equal parts both. Absolutely flawless, isn't it? There's no way out of this for me.

I still don't understand how a lot of things are happening around me. I'm in that position where I don't want to be anymore. I was happy playing the puppeteer, and now I'm accountable for everyone and everything. I just miss how a lot of things were, I suppose.

Brian turned 27 last week. It leaves me yearning for my youth. As stupid and careless and restricted I was, I was SO HAPPY. WE were so happy. I think we both screwed each other in the relationship category because you can't beat what we had with each other. We've raised the bar on how things should be in relationships--- which in reality doesn't really happen. We had what you see in movies and TV. BLAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Damn him and our perfect relationship!

At least we still have each other. Not in a carnal sense, but we have each other in our lives. Unless he has a crazy, jealous bitch of a girlfriend, that will never change.


August 11, 2008
SOOOOO after the Dbacks vs. Pirates Game last week, mar mar got a little too drunk. What started as a couple of beers ended with a night of shots and chugging and who knows what else. Needless to say, it was quite an interesting night. I should have known better than to drink on an empty stomach. But all I had during the day was a Protein shake. SOOOO... 2 24oz beers at the ball park, 2 24oz guinnesses at the bar, I lost it. I just kept calling for drinks. The tab went up, up, up, up, UP! And the next thing you know, I was absolutely sloshed. I TRIED to eat! I seriously did. But when it comes to drinking with David, the alcohol consumption is more important than food. Because the food will bloat me. But the alcohol will just fill 'er up! A wing and a half, and two celery sticks later, Marmar was drunk. Marmar got a phone number. Marmar was barfing in the parking lot.

I'm getting too old for this. I should really know better. I used to be Really really really good with the rules. Liquor before beer, you're in the clear! Beer before liquor, never been sicker. I wish I never learned to appreciate beer. Stupid stupid delicious beer! Not only that... but i was mixing darks and lights. Mixing liquor and juice and beer and OH GOOD GRIEF! I should really know better. BUT.. shoulda coulda woulda, I suppose.

So no more of that for quite a while. We're going to two padres games next week. So it should be pretty interesting. =) Marmar needs her tolerance back!


August 1, 2008
2009 is just around the corner, isn't it? Oh man. I don't want to start reflecting just yet, but it just almost seems appropriate. I've had a lot of time alone with my own thoughts lately and it's (as always with a Libra) good and bad. Good because I've had the chance to be honest with myself and where I want my life to be headed. Bad because I realize how much I still have to do and accomplish in order to get there.

At least it's not all bad. But you take them both at the same time, I suppose. You might not see it that way, but that's how my brain works.

I haven't worn my wedding ring for the past two days. We're trying to work out what we're doing to see if we're gonna stick it out or just quit sometime soon. That's not the reasoning behind my ring. It's because I "forgot" to wear it (honestly, I purposely left it off out of sheer anger), and when I came home, it was gone. So he has his reasons for taking it back. I'm not exactly sure what that reasoning is, but his actions send a very clear message. So we've been in and out and living in the same place without exchanging a single word for the past two days. I'm not gonna crack. I have every intention on keeping my mouth shut. I'm tired of being the fixer. Being the one to sacrifice my needs just to smooth things out.

But by doing that, I'm robbing myself of a real shot at happiness. I'm tired of it. I want to be happy. And if it means enduring some of this bullshit for now to get to the real ending or get to get him to make an effort to really make me happy- then so be it. Honestly, I'll be happy either way. Because 1)if this marriage fails, then I can start over and I know which direction I'm headed. OR if he actually wanted to try and make me happy, then that would actually be the ideal. I have high doubts of the latter happening. But who knows at this point.

Another side effect of all of this madness is my insatiability at this point. I can't stop shopping because it slowly fills the void. It makes me feel better, and I know it really shouldn't. But it's how I know to make myself happy. And it's something that I have somewhat under control. The way i figure, a few bucks spent now will ease the pain and won't have too much of a financial impact in the long run. The few dollars I'm spending lately is about as much as I would have spent on food for the both of us. (oh yeah. I'm not cooking for him during these times. He doesn't deserve it, and he wouldn't be grateful, so it's pointless.)

The evil that is woman, yes? I'm not evil. I'm just set on my own happiness. That sounds selfish-- but I don't see it that way. I've seen how my parents' unhappy marriage affected us all. I don't want it to be the same way with my family. I don't want my kids to see mommy and daddy fighting all the time. I don't want to have to worry about raising kids and trying to keep a marriage together. That's just robbing all of the involved from any real kind of happiness. Granted, there may be a few moments here and there of being happy-- but I don't want the rest of my life to just be a FEW moments of happiness. Before I die, I want to be able to look back on my life and remember how MOST of it was bliss. It's possible. Because if someone loves you that much, they'll move mountains.

If you've ever known me in a relationship, you would know that I don't ask for much. I ask for understanding when it comes to my friends (because they're mostly male, or time-consuming sorority sisters). I ask for affection (because I'm a very affectionate person myself). I ask for attention-- not too much, but just enough to know that I matter in your life. I ask to be listened to-- because if you don't, then you clearly don't care what I think or say, and if that's the case, then why bother?

That's all I really need. The extra stuff like presents and getting along with my friends are a bonus. But if you can give me those few, simple things, then that would just make me absolutely happy. Because the money part, I can handle. The hard times, I can handle. But the inability to show me that you truly, genuinely, unconditionally love me-- that just won't cut it.