December 31, 2007
it truly is the most wonderful time of the year. =) no matter how SHORT-lived it is! We ended up driving down to san diego on the sunday before Christmas (which would mean that we only had 3 days in san diego!) so here's how it was broken down.
Sunday: brunch with my fams. playing catch up with my mommy. then swoosh over to his parents place to have dinner and hang out with his fams.
Monday: early breakfast (and early mimosa for me!) with his two besties. then CRACKHEADS UNITE! a crackhead reunion with cheap sushi, red-shirt hunt, and happy HOURS at D&Bs. then a quick nap later and it was off to mass!
CHRISTMAS! was spent opening gifts and an awesome reunion with my fams. then a reunion with his fams. very family oriented, and it was what i've been waiting for all year.
Wednesday morning we packed up and headed back to phoenix. home sweet home. and it was worth every minute away. =) my only regret is not being able to try the 2for1 at Lolita's. but there's always 2008!

and p.s. EARLY HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! (technically, it's already 2008 in most parts of asia!)


December 22, 2007
call it wishful thinking. Call it whatever the hell you want. I choose to call it a misalignment. Because that's exactly what it is. We keep missing each other, and when it finally hit, it just wasn't the right time. that, or it was just too much built up and too many unreal expectations attached that it couldn't work out. when you have such an idealistic approach to something as fragile as a relationship, it's hard to make any sense of what's okay to expect and what should be okay to let slide.

i was reading a friend's survey this morning. one question was "If you had to choose, would you choose life or true love?" and he replied "i've had love. you can keep it." food for thought. but that's something that you just have to decide for yourself. not everyone is as cynical, but there are others that have been burned one too many times.

myself, i've been burned many times. but i thrive on love. that's why i kept going. that's why i keep going. there's still that hope that things will turn out exactly the way i hope it will. Here's to hoping, right?

i'm trapped on one particular blog. i guess it's one that i've been attached to for quite some time now, but just recently discovered. it's been my muse. because i know how this heart works. i know how it feels. and i know how dark it can be. i know how much cynicism resides, and how much hope it holds. this particular heart, i've had before. and i stilal havent been able to let the whole hting go. because i've had closure, but not really. which means... i haven't had my closure yet.

you'd think that as much time has passed... and as many hearts i've held between then and now... and as little time we had together.... it wouldnt make any sense. And logically, it doesn't. that's why i reprimand myself for continuing to make my heart beat wearily for something that i know will never be. sounds too emo, right? that's what i keep telling myself. but it doesnt seem to want to go away.

guess i'll sweep it under the rug along with my other problems.

i spent last night carolling with my baristas. "The best way to spread Christmas Cheer is singing loud for all to hear." and i'm sure we spread quite a lot of cheer last night. =)


December 12, 2007
pane has started to call me a "me-monster." which (if it isn't obvious enough) is someone self centered and always has to turn the subject back to themselves. now, i can admit that on all of my journals, i am ABSOLUTELY a me-monster! then again... it's a personal JOURNAL. it wouldn't make it very personal if it weren't a me-monster kind of thing. because otherwise... it would just be another blog. (and if you don't know the difference between a journal and a blog, then please ask someone) so, naturally, i tend to speak about myself, about my life, and about how i feel in general. and yes, i am partial to my opinions. there is definitely bias in my posts. but if it wasn't like that.. it would just be a news column inventory-ing the goings on of my life. and we all know that that just won't work. (although, there have been times when i've fallen into a 'here's what i did today' rut in my posts. and i do sincerely apologize for some of the monotony.)

in any case... if i am a me-monster in real life, it would only be at home. (in order to annoy the hubbers)

but at work... things are taking their natural course. i've been at the store long enough that the novelty of my "newness" has worn off. i've learned enough about my staff to really know what makes them tick, and they've let enough show to allow me to take a step back. in our store, there is an extremely thin line between friendships and work relationships. i am a firm believer that friendships and work relationships can reside in harmony. if each party has enough respect for each other, then it works out beautifully. because you never want to let your friend down by leaving them with all your crap to clean up. and you wouldn't bring your friend-drama into work out of respect for your other friends at work. (make sense?)

but sometimes... when that line gets blurred... that's when all the messes start to pile up. Now.... i'm not one to talk, because i often find myself in this situation. where i become good friends with a co-worker, and they become not so great of an employee. now... do i become a good friend and help cover her tracks, or do i become a good employee and reprimand this friend for her actions? it's one of those situations which become the prime example against fraternization between different ranks. because i am this person's supervisor, i can't just let everything slide. i can coach her to improve her performance, but as long as she keeps seeing me as just her friend instead of her friendly boss, then it won't repair the situation. it's a slippery slope if i let things slide. and if the situation worsens, then i can only blame myself.

i've come a long way from being a pushover. a few years ago i actually learned how to stand my ground when i need to. it's a matter of taking responsibility for my own actions and of those who i am in charge of. because i can't let someone take the blame for something if i didn't do anything to stop it from happening. just like a mother can't blame her infant for drowning in a bathtub. there has to be accountability on someone's part. and that someone needs to be the person in charge. (ofcourse, when it's all adults that are involved, it can be a different story. but i'm speaking in general here. so don't bite my head off)

anyhoo.... i'm just a little peeved at what's been happening at work. thanks for listening, tho.


December 9, 2007
had a nice long chat with a friend/coworker/drinking buddy tonight. just about love and life in general. his fiancee broke it off a few months ago, and he's still in the dark about what happened. he wasn't left at the alter or anything... it was just a slow progression of the degradation of their relationship. i think i helped him gain a little more perspective on the situation. at least, i hope i did.

anyhoo... i should really get to bed before i start wandering aimlessly again. good night, yo.


December 8, 2007
my mommy flew back to san diego this afternoon. i'm kinda sad that she left. cuz we had a lot of fun. and she was actually finally starting to wind down and relax and get some of the stress relief that she's needed. i wish she could have stayed at least 2 more days. that would be enough time for her to really get her mind off of things, and give us some real time to hang out.

but i'm happy she was here. i miss having her around. and i think that seeing me here, it's finally sunk in that i'm all grown up. ofcourse i still need her... but now she doesn't have to worry as much as she used to. i'm actually living my life now. and i think it makes her proud.

YAY. that's all i've ever really wanted. is to make my parents proud of me. if you knew me well enough, you'd know how screwed up i am because i have this incessant need to please my parents above making myself happy. even when i try to do things for myself, it always comes back to them. i've tried to let that mentality go, but somehow i doubt that it's ever going to go away. so i've embraced it, and have learned to use it as a tool to make myself happy. and to guide my decisions.

it may not seem like a very good idea... but you see how i am now. and up to this point, that's how i've been living. so you tell me whether or not it's done good.

anyhoo... a lot is changing for my closest friends back home. guess we'll have to wait it out and see the outcome. i just wish i could be there for more support.


December 5, 2007
I suppose I should be happy with what I have, and what i have gained along the way. But I've always lived my life in order to make myself happy, and to keep the others around me equally content. This time around, i'm not so sure.

as of now, i'm at yet another fork. if i trek to the left, i leave behind a handful of partners that i have grown to really love. and i leave behind the cleanest and most fun environment that i have worked in in a VERY long time. if i choose to extend my training (at this point, i wouldn't gain any more knowledge than if i took the quicker path), then i get to stay for just a bit longer (2 months, at the most) with these people. But by doing so, i also lose out on a great opportunity. professionally, it would be best if i took the promotion faster. and you know what? it's what's best for myself and my husband.

i just hate to leave my partners behind (AGAIN!)

but i've walked away from too many promotions, and have regretted it most of the time. so this time around... maybe happiness lies where i least expect it? or should i just follow my heart and stick it out a little longer?

poop.


December 3, 2007
i'm so POOPED. i don't think it's the work that's gotten me so tired, but i think it's more the weather. (forgive me for that sentence. it was very grammatically incorrect. incoherent, almost). Anyhoo... The weather here has just been up and down. sunny, and freezing, and raining! =P The inconsistency is taking some time to get used to. you know me. i hate changes in weather. the only good thing about wintertime is all the cute layered clothes i get to wear! but in phoenix, you can only wear that stuff early in the morning and later in the evening. oh well. that's what i get for moving, i guess.

anyhoo... YAY... mar has really made some friends. WOOT WOOT! i'm actually going out every weekend now =) slowly workin gmy tolerance back up. WOO HOO!

Chuck is on. i'll post again later.