February 28, 2009
someone remind me that rent is due tomorrow. =P Stupid February!

They say it comes in 3s, right? First there was my beloved (sorely missed) sister Janice. Yesterday it was Brian's grandpa (awww... now who am I gonna say hi to when I pass by that building?!?!). And I guess over the weekend Christian's gramma passed away too. It's never really hit this close to home before. Have I really gotten to that age when people you know actually start dying?!?!? Dude... this is gonna suck!

Yeah... kinda shows how close we've become these past few years when I'm the first person he calls when he found out what was going on. I feel special, but at the same time I feel so much pain for him. And I really want to just reach through the phone, give him a big ole hug, grab his gut and make him laugh. Do something to distract him from the hurt. Or do something to help him deal with the hurt. But I guess in these cases, you can't really do anything to take it away. I've learned that first hand this week. =(

Nick and I went to "opening day" for spring training for the Padres on Thursday. And it was the BEST AFTERNOON EVER!!!! Like... if my life could be like that for the rest of my life... I would just be in heaven. Napping in the grass... baseball fans cheering... the smell of hot dogs and beer and nachos! Falling more and more in love with him with each moment that passes. Not just moments that we spend together... but every moment of my day. That's how it should be, right?

We officially made our debut with his friends at Cadence's Christening. No big announcement... but we appeared together. We held hands. We did the things that couples do when they attend events. And it broke my heart how things have turned out =( Like... this set of friends used to be so close! And now it's just kinda BLECH. I wouldn't say it's been destroyed, but definitely damaged pretty badly. Trust issues, morality issues, and just the general disapproval. It breaks my heart because they were my friends too. And I know how much he loved his friends. And now... BLECH. I dunno. I hope this passes. But only time will tell, huh?

Tomorrow we go to another Spring Training game. together. With his other friends. So we'll see how that goes. HotCop is supposed to be there too. He's supposed to hang out with us on Monday night too. I just wanna hook him up with Kelsey. But kinda feeling guilty cuz we've had this flirty thing back and forth and I'm gonna be all over Nick. EH well... if I made my intentions clear in the first place, maybe he wouldn't have come? I dunno. Guess we'll see. Slap another hash mark in the Girls-are-evil column.

And i've been having this weird thing with my belly. Not really sure if it's beer belly coming back or indegestion? I don't know. But i've been working my butt off trying to get rid of it and it just keeps getting bigger and bigger!!! No, it's not a prego belly. It's just belly fat and it's irritating the crap out of me! Maybe it's a combo of all the beer and all the JUNK and all the late night eating?!?!? We most definitely need to have a talk about our drinking and eating habits. Cuz I feel like a freakin slob with a belly like this =P

Opening day in one month!!! HOORAY!!! CAN'T WAIT!!!!


February 24, 2009
Brace yourself. You should already know what this post is about... Nick (most of it will be anyway =P). Anyhoo... a few nights ago I gave him a key to my apartment. Actually... we just call it "home" these days. As in.. "I'll see you when I get home." or "Just come home when you're done with work." Too fast? Yeah? Maybe? It just feels nice, tho.

We had our first serious talk about the future last night over dinner. A little freaky because the issue of marriage was brought up (but quickly dropped!). In a nutshell, he has a very real opportunity to buy a house. Like a 4 bedroom, newer, home. Which kind of pushes the plan to move back to San Diego back a few years. It shouldn't be too long... 5 or 6 years at the most... and at this point, he makes me happy enough to want to stay in Arizona. 'Cuz honestly, he's made this place bearable and has shown me parts of AZ that are actually beautiful. It's not the ocean or the beach and it's definitely not home... but it will do for now until we can figure out how to really come home. And that was the issue that we talked about... like... WHEN we move to SoCal... will we be moving there TOGETHER like moving in together? Or are we getting 2 separate places? Because financially, it would just make more sense to live together when we move out there. Cuz let's face it... Cali is not the cheapest place to live... even with the economy shot to crap. But then we run into the problem of us actually living together. My parents will give me crap and I'm sure his will give him even more crap for it. Like... not just crap... but won't allow it. And yes... we're both adults.. yada yada yada... but it's a respect thing. Both of us need the moral support of our parents to make us feel okay with the decisions that we make in life. And that's when the OTHER issue came about... 2, 3, 4, 5, years down the line... how close would we be to that point?

I tried really hard not to flip out. Here i am... still technically married... having this conversation. It wasn't a trapped feeling. It was a bit of a panic attack. Even tho things are completely different with Nick than they were with Pane, I'm still kind of gun shy. Don't get me wrong... I've thought about it... just not very much because the panic sets in and my hands get super sweaty and I can't breathe right. =P Okay... let's hash, shall we? Here's this guy that is absolutely perfect for me. He's caring, he loves me, he wants the same things for the future that I do, and he's absolutely AMAZING! I'd be insane not to want to marry him, right? (OMG... here comes the shortness of breath...)I dunno... we just both have this vision of what we want in the future and it just matches and clicks and fits so well! And maybe it's too soon to tell whether or not we would be compatible that way. But from here it feels perfect. Feels right. I think I just really have a lot of issues that I need to work through before I can really commit to the idea. But dude... seriously... too early, right? We'll talk about it when we get to that point. When the panic attacks stop. YIKES. Mar is screwy.

Okay... in other news... watch out for the waterworks... here they come!

My sister Janice has been in the hospital for a few weeks. She had viral meningitis and has been in the ICU for some time. She's always had health problems, but nothing like this. Nothing that we thought would ever take her so soon. BUt she passed away yesterday morning. WHich is stupid because she's a FIGHTER. She was supposed to get through this just fine and then have another Vegas trip in the spring! I still can't wrap my head around it. This isn't really happening, right? She's only 26! She's a trooper! She's faced every challenge in her life head on and did it with the spunk of a giant (even tho she's only 4'10") so Jannie said she would keep me posted on the funeral arrangements. So I think I'll be going to LA this weekend. I don't think I'm strong enough to go. But I owe it to her to see her one last time because I've been such a bad sister and haven't hung out with her or even visit her in the past couple of years. I'm not gonna be able to see her. As much as I want to and as much as I need to... I can't say good bye. Not strong enough. I don't know how I'm gonna make that drive by myself.

I dunno... I guess we'll see what happens when it gets to that point, right? It's all a waiting game right now. For everything.


February 21, 2009
Sometimes I find myself wandering over there just to see what kind of turmoil and instability he's in. These days his life is documented in photos as opposed to text. Usually of the food that he eats or the places that he goes to or the things that he wants to buy (or has bought). It reminds me why we clicked in the first place. Because we were so caught up in material things and trying so hard to portray our individuality through these material things that were so trendy. Kind of defeats the purpose, doesn't it? Yeah... it was a strange time. Call it a rebound, I suppose.... came to terms with it a little bit too late. But whatevs. I still feel the sting when I think of him. I still don't understand why we had to hurt each other more after the fact. Like... intentionally inflicting emotional pain on each other. We're still "friends" these days. But we're still always trying to one up the other in life, in love, and everything in general. We went the "living well is the best revenge" route. Like "dude. I'm soooo much happier without you. You had no impact on my heart or on my life." kind of thing. But really... it's one of those things... I dunno. I'm happy where I am right now with my life. And I'm with someone that makes me genuinely happy (we'll talk about that later). But sometimes I still feel like rubbing it in his face and saying "see what you missed out on, fool?" Which is stupid and pointless. I just really want him to know how stupid he was being and immature and ... okay... let's just stop there, shall we? But yeah. Sometimes I wonder.

Anyhooo.... these days Nick and I just can't spend time apart. Our breaks are spent on the phone. Our time off is spent together. And really... we usually only spend half of the night apart. It's blissful, I tell yah. BLISSFUL! I like this. I like where we are. I just don't like the situation. =P But what are you gonna do, eh? When you find someone that can finish your sentences and is already thinking what you're thinking before you can even say it outloud... then by all means, grab hold of them and never let go! I love this guy. No hesitation. I do. The crippling fear of the future and growing up is slowly dissolving. SD and the Padres are slipping. YIKES! This love is beginning to be all-consuming and I'm ready to allow it to be.

Scary thoughts, huh? Yeah. I know. But I've come to terms with it.


February 20, 2009
SPRING TRAINING IN FIVE DAYS!!! FIVE DAYS! FIVE DAYS! FIVE DAYS!!!!!! So I'm trying to figure out who can take my shift on tuesday so I can go to the Mariners/Padres "Opening day" for spring training. ^_^ SO EXCITED!!!! Doug and I have plans to go to Sunday March 1st, but still have yet to decide which game to attend. On the one hand, I would love to see my boys play... but then again I also wanna go see Hoffy and the Giants go at it. So I guess we'll see. Baseball is baseball, yes? And mar is developing well as a baseball fan =)

We went to a Coyotes game last night and it was AWESOME!!! Like seriously... every person in that arena was a FAN. Like a REAL fan... not just there just to go to a game.... they were all really into it and cheering and getting up and loud and paying attention to the game! WOW! Like... WOW! I didn't realize that arizona actually had fans! Cuz after going to a cardinals game and several Dbacks games, ... it's a bit depressing! Nothing like Petco. Nothing like SAN DIEGO!!!!! But yeah... it was pretty cool. There was a giant floating taco pooping out TacoBell coupons. and my favorite Gecko was there. And we were in the EXECUTIVE SUITE (holllerrrr!!!). And I had my nickie. <3 All in all... a very good night =)

Except the whole feeling awkward thing at this focus group we had to do before hand. Apparently, it was for college students >_< And mar hasn't been a college student in like 5 years =P Whatevs. Didn't care cuz we got free Coyotes tickets ^_^

Found out that Pane was in Westgate at the same time we were. Eh... whatever. If the SBUX rumor mill hasn't gotten the news to him, then I'm sure he's seen us out and about. It's not like we're being discreet about it. And I know he's staying up in Glendale somewhere (I'm guessing with Michael) and that's pretty much where Nick and I hang out for the most part. Seriously tho... I just kinda don't give a crap. Because Nick and I are happy. And seriously.. blissful is more the word.

Just looking ahead ^_^ Yesterday I served Pane. He signed the Response and I filed it. So now I'm just waiting on a court date to get the final divorce papers signed!! WOOOOOOO! Mar is a freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee bird!!!!!


February 13, 2009
Almost exactly a month after our 5 hours in Prescott, we decided to spend 5 hours here in Avondale taking the next step. Thanks, Kung Fu Panda and 337 Cab <3 You made our night! And thanks Kelsey for being a sick flaker poo ^_^ Gotta give credit where it's due, i suppose ^_^

And now I can't wipe this ridiculous smile off of my face. We're a little obvious these days. Partly because we care but we really don't. What we have clouds our judgment and it's hard to get your head out of the clouds when you've been floating this high for so long. And holy crappioli... we've become the "WE" monster. It's not so scary right now. I say "right now" because I'm still pretty drunk off of him last night. He's like a drug, I tell yah. And I'm addicted. I guess I have been, yeah?

Yikes! This better work out because I don't wanna go into the double digits -_- But i'm not worried.

Today we had a talk about him possibly... maybe... buying a house sometime in the near future. And not like "near future" like a-few-years-down-the-line-before-he's-30-near-future. Like possibly before the end of the year near future! WOW! Because housing in Phoenix has gotten so bad that it's actually affordable for a 21 year old to purchase a house. Like a nice one. And my lease is up in October, and I will need a place to stay... and he might need roommates? And it will help with the mortgage? But that's something that we need to really sit down and hash out and talk about when the time comes. As for now, he needs to have the talk with his parents about the possibility in the first place.

So after lunch I decided to finally clean my bathtub. A task that I've been dreading (but planning) to for a couple of weeks now. [sidebar: I'm slowly but surely turning this apartment into my own place. like... how I want it. which is partly the reason that I don't wanna give this place up.] and I got to thinking....

Aside from the divorce situation.... DUDE... I'm super happy right now!!! And I never imagined being this happy and not living in San Diego. Because seriously.... the ocean and that city was my lifeline. But after lunch, I got to thinking how lucky I got with Nick. Okay... not only is he super hot and smart and kind and loving and the perfect person for me and understanding and talented and all of the above.... but his car is super hot. and now he could possibly be a homeowner by the end of the year? Before he even turns 22?!?!?!? WOW. This guy is absolutely incredible!!!! I landed a good one! High fives all around! ^_^ Like... I really lucked out. I suppose? Is it bad to think of it that way?

I thought I was over the whole losing-yourself-in-a-relationship thing. I guess I'm really not.... not now anyway... but there's still that possibility. Because I like who I turned out to be. Strong, independent, a little nutty, but still logical. I'm not going to lose that part of me... but the clingy beast is rearing it's ugly head and do you know who likes to follow the clingy beast? The jealousy beast! And I'm pretty certain that I slayed both beasts years ago... but who knows. And I should really know better. And I know he loves me. He tells me everyday. He shows me every chance he gets. And I have no doubt in my mind that he will continue to do so for a very long time. And ditto for me for him.

okay Miguel just called me. we'll continue this later, yeah?


February 11, 2009
INSEPARABLE. That would be the only way to describe us. Because seriously, we can't be kept apart. I don't know if it's the whole "can't be together" thing that makes us want to be together even more, or if it's everything else. I vote for everything else. We both know that we need to take time apart. WE KNOW. WE GET IT. yeah. but we need to try harder. And dude... we've been trying. Just not hard enough, i guess. -_- It's just that... well... after being friends for so long it's just our nature to pick up the phone and figure out what to do that day or hour or whatever. Or to just text something strange because we know that the other is the only other person that would appreciate it. e.g. song lyrics. =P

Sounds like a bunch of excuses, doesn't it? Because if it was me being the mean one, then I would mos def call them excuses. But no really... we've been telling each other that we need to not see each other. And never fail... we always see each other. It's getting a tad bit ridiculous because we're running around in circles with this whole conversation.

Cold turkey would be the way to go, yeah? Maybe? I dunno.

I was originally gonna type out an excerpt from the book that I'm reading. 'specially since I was dumb enough to read through my posts from when i was enjoying the single life. And then just kinda compare the feelings. Cindy wrote a blog last night. Maybe I'll link it? Probably not. But the gist of the post was about that movie "He's just not that into you." And that all men are jerks and all women are bitches. In a nutshell. But anyhoo... what was my point?

OH YEAH!!!! My point was... being single was fun because I got to play the game. And the game is SUPER FUN! I miss it but I don't. I probably miss it because I'm subconsciously trying to sabotage the wonderful that I currently have. Which is retarded. And I'm making a conscious (VERY CONSCIOUS) effort to squash my fear. Because logic just isn't cutting it right now.

Come to think of it... mar's logic hasn't really been playing in a while, huh? I should probably get that part of my brain going again. This can't be good. =P

ugh. retaining water. HOORAY!!! I dunno if it was the being sick part. It's probably the beer that did it. But my beer belly is getting really out of control! UGH. I miss my metabolism. Remember back then? I could seriously eat as much as a fat person, then eat a small bear and still be good. I'd gain like 5 pounds from it, but after a brisk walk, it would be gone by the end of the next day. -_- ahhhh youth. How mar misses it.

My big sis is turning THIRTY in a month and a half!!!!Yikes, dude. I'm next, aren't I?


February 8, 2009
My heart is a little achy right now. Brian sent me a few drunk texts last night that just kinda bothered me. He had every right to say it... and as much as I hate to admit it... i kinda need to hear it.

Anyhoo... the '09 padres schedule is posted in 3 different places in my apartment. ^_^ What a dweebo!

I could really go for a good slice of cheesecake =9 I had a taste this past week and now I'm seriously craving! Although... I really shouldn't. Because it's gettin tougher and tougher to keep this beer belly from expanding =P I've been going to the gym, just not consistently. Hopefully the next couple of weeks will I'll get better ^_^

The past few nights have been so great! Just hanging out and watching DVDs, or just hanging out at the bar, or just being with friends. =) It's how a relationship SHOULD feel. And it all just fit so perfectly. We just mesh. It's fun! And seriously... it's all in the company =)


February 7, 2009
Nick just left my place. We were supposed to just talk over the phone about what happened last night. About where we are physically and emotionally. We exchanged "I love you"s last night. And it was WONDERFUL!!!!! But it's TERRIFYING!!!! Because I have never been in this position before. Where I can't see a cap. I can't see an inevitable end.

With Genaro it was because we both knew it was a high school sweetheart thing. With Brian it was the future.... because we both were commitment-phobes... so we both knew it was fun for now... but not fun forever. With Pane... well... I'm still iffy if it was actually love or not. I was sick, remember? And i had something to prove. And when mar has something to prove, you can bet that she'll go to the ends of the earth to prove her point.

How horrible is it that I'm terrified because we want the same things in life? That I'm scared because we think exactly alike. That we like the same things and really make each other happy? I'm scared for all the wrong reasons! Because this is stuff that I should be ecstatic about. I should be excited that the guy I'm with actually wants to make me happy and that he and I have the same values and that we want to share a life together... a FUTURE together.

Maybe that's the part that freaks me out. The FUTURE part. The committing to a future together part. Because at this point, I'm a little gun-shy. Not just about marriage... but just about commitment. But maybe that's thinking too far ahead? And we told each other that we wouldn't think too far ahead. But only because I'm so freaked out about it. But it makes him so happy! And I hate the feeling that he's holding back because of me. That he's not being 100% himself because it freaks me out.

I should just give in and stop being such a baby. Cuz I trust him with my heart. I trust that he won't hurt me. I know he won't. We're both paranoid that it's not going to work out. We're both terrified that the other will find someone else. Both have these stupid insecurities that shouldn't be there in the first place because we know each other well enough and trust each other enough and communicate enough to know better.

And that's another thing.... the no secrets thing. We're not keeping secrets. AT ALL. And as scary as it is to tell him things that I know he doesn't want to hear, I know that he wants to hear them. I know that it will bring us closer because I tell him. Like about blogspot? I wasn't sure if I was ready for him to read that. But he did. And I almost stopped him... but then I realized that it would be pointless. Because he would hear about it all eventually. And i don't want to hide anything from him.

This is getting ridiculous!


February 5, 2009
I'm writing here because I know you don't want me to post on myspace. AND I so desperately want to talk to you. To hear your voice and to see your face. My nose wants to be in it's home and to feel your arms around me. My phone has been relatively silent today. I kept it in my purse at work. Because I knew that anything that came my way wouldn't be quite as exciting. Anything else would just be a disappointment because it wasn't from you.

OKAY... that sounds needy and clingy =P But it's only day one and that's the expectation, I suppose. I'm still not quite strong enough to really be where you need me to be. But hey... still trying to find my strength, right? And if you can do this, then I can do it too. I keep telling myself that. Because Kalani is right... this is absolutely worth the effort. And it's only temporary. And because we really do have to do this to make it right.

UGHHHHHHH!!!! But it's so HARD!!! >_< I was fine when I was around other people and distracted and doing anything else... but right now as i sit here just typing away or as I watch TV or Friends or ANYTHING... I can't help but think that you should be here by my side. Holding me. Telling me about your day and your frustrations and the silly things that you do that you don't realize that you're doing. And I wanna tell you about all of the stupid things that happened at work so that you can make fun of me. Like how I kept dropping things and the Urnex exploding. I want to tell you about the bad dream I had that you called me and told me it was over. I want to see your eyes light up when certain scenes come on and hear you recite line by line, episode by episode.

I'm still kicking myself because I didn't go to the courthouse today. Or do anything at all productive outside of work. But Tomorrow. I promise. To you and to myself. FOR US. (((I'm watching the episode with Brad Pitt and Joey eating the whole turkey))) I just can't wait til I make that call.... grab Adam's keys and head up to Westgate <3<3<3<3<3!!!!!!!!!

I read your blog today. YOU WROTE A BLOG!!!! And you're absolutely right... When you're limited to either trust or communication, then you just have to double up on the other. And that makes my heart warm. Just to know what you're thinking and how you're feeling. Knowing what the end result of this is going to be and finally knowing where we are going. Hey... the road is paved and the lines are painted... now we just have to gear up for the trip ahead. <3

I want to know how you did on your test today. Obviously you got your paper in ^_^ running and sweaty and frantic ^_^ yes, i can imagine it was sexy ^_^ hee hee! ANd I wonder if you had a good day at work. Any kookoos hang out? I bet everytime you looked at that FrapLight you thought of me ^_^ It's okay... every step I took and every time I looked outside today I thought of you. Did you see the sunset? it was BEAUTIFUL!!! And the moon was in the east... blurred by a haze of clouds. It was amazing! The colors were so vibrant and it wasn't that weird Phoenix fog =)

You know what? this feels better. Even tho you're not gonna read this for a few weeks... or whenever... it feels better being able to tell you this. Telling you how I wonder and feel. Feels better. =) Thanks dear <3 hahhahahah! thanks for letting me be the crazy person that I am and for loving it ^_^

Okay. Now I'm just babbling. I just needed to get this communication part out of my system to make myself feel better. Even tho it will be delayed ^_^ I miss you. But you already know....


February 3, 2009
I can't freakin believe it's already FEBRUARY!!! I know you're probably sick of the Nick updates. But we're seeing each other again. Pretty consistently. And it scares the crap out of me because of what happened last time. But daaaaaamn..... it feels so darn good to be back together! <3

BASEBALL IS COMING! BASEBALL IS COMING!! i'm so excited I might just crap myself. EW! That's disgusting!!!! No really... but I'm super excited and I just can't hide it and I wanna scream at the top of my lungs and I can't wait can't wait can't wait!!!!! <3 OMG... the butterflies are killing my insides ^_^ But really dude... last season was so crappy and sad that I'm super optimistic about this season =) Maybe cuz Moors is out?!?! I dunno... maybe cuz we're gonna have a fresh start and I have reason to be vulgar and obnoxious again? Maybe cuz I actually know that I will have something to do other than drink!? (e.g. watch games!! <3<3<3!!!)

Oh griefers.... I'm a mess. But I'm so together that it kills!

I can't wait til this is all settled. But terrified of what's to come.It's horrible to say... but I like our little secret. That it's ours to keep and ours to hold. As much as we would both like to scream it at the top of our lungs, I'm also terrified of those we love telling us no. =( UGH!

Maybe that's why I'm looking forward to baseball... cuz then I'd have something to distract me. Keep me occupied and loved. =P

Horrible. Absolutely horrible. >_<