January 31, 2004
if anyone out there has access Yellowcard:::Ocean.Avenue, and you're wondering what's going on in my life right now, i suggest listening through the entire album, but skipping tracks 5, 9, and 13. there, you'll find exactly how i feel inside. and for those who don't have it, here's the playlist. please save me the trouble of cutting and pasting lyrics for you.
1. Way away
2. Breathing
3. Ocean Avenue [[la jolla shores]]
4. Empty Apartment
6. Only one
7. Miles apart
8. Twenty three
10. Inside out
11. Believe
12. One year, six months
everyone i've told has been a little less than devastated. kara and rita's reason was that we were the couple that they looked up to, and having that image shattered basically killed their image in their heads of a really strong relationship. but hey... i thought we had it pretty strong too. logan and khris' reason is that we were the only couple that they ever enjoyed hanging out with. logan's pretty crushed. i'm guessing the starbucks team already all knows. and are wondering how it affects our friendship. they were my friends before they were his coworkers. but i guess they'll be supportive on both sides. but it's always hard to be stuck in the middle. maria and ali still refuse to believe me because they expect me to be red-eyed and swollen. but hey. i'm all cried out. it hurts. but what am i supposed to do?
if it's one thing i've learned about relationships, its how to make a quick exit and not let it do too much damage. people wonder whether it had any effect on me. and i tell them that it's no big. because that's the lie that i have to keep telling myself to retain my sanity. i can't back down again. i can't lower my standards and break my promises to myself. you can only compromise so much. you can only fool yourself until it smacks you in the face and you have no choice but to sharpen up. it's all about damage control and self control. i'm tired of my heart getting beat up. tonight i store it in the freezer for good.
Here I go so dishonestly
Leave a note
For you my only one
And I know
You can see right through me
So let me go
And you will find someone
Here I go scream my lungs out
And try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go but there's just no one
That gets me like you do
You are my only, my only one.
I think I'm breaking out
I'm gonna leave you now
There's nothing for me here it's all the same
And even though I know
That everything might go
Go downhill from here, I'm not afraid.
Way away away from here I'll be
Way away away so you can see
How it feels to be along and not believe
Anything.
Letting out the noise inside of me
Every window pane is shattering
Cutting up my words before I speak
This is how it feels to not believe.
[[insert ALL of 'Inside Out']]
01.29.04.not.again.
being with my sisters gives me confidence. i'm not exactly sure what it is. maybe its because when i'm with my sisters, i'm surrounded by love and there's no room for insecurity. because i have them to support me in any which way i need. that no matter how long i've been gone, i can still turn to them as if no time had passed. here is a group of women, all so diverse, and in any other situation, would not get along very well. but when we come together, it's like that michael jackson video and everyone can come together in harmony. and its fun. =)
anyhow, bri seems to have developed some sort of discomfort around greeks. he says its because he feels insecure about them asking questions and what not. gets too paranoid around too many asians. whatever. but anyhoo, we've come to the conclusion that he's just not gonna come. oh well. makes room for any single, available friend to accompany me to events and hopefully make a connection with one of my available sisters. YAY! so... any single, available friends out there that would like to come out tomorrow night, HOLLLAAAA!!! tee hee!
k. g'night yalls. last post of the night... i promise. =)
01.29.04.my.breaks.are.too.long.
haha! that's what your boyfriend said! (joke! cuz i know majority of readers here are male.)
She smashed the radio with the board of education
Turn up the static left of the state of the nation
Turn up the flame, step on the gas
Burning the flag at half mast
She's a rebel's forgotten son
An export of the revolution
She is the first voice of the last ones in the line
She'll drag the lake to keep the vendetta alive
Bring in the head of the government
The dog ate the document
Somebody shot the President
And no one knows where Maria went?
Maria, Maria, Maria,
Where did you go?
Be careful what you're offering
Your breath lacks the conviction
Drawing the line in the dirt
Because the last decision
....is no.
GreenDay.maria.
i think mar is here to stay.
January 29, 2004
and just when you think things have calmed down and all is well....
BANG!!!
another one bites the dust. if there's one thing in life i really should have learned by now, it's that you need to be ready for times like this. times when you have to learn how to pull away because you KNOW better. and the fact that you KNOW what you should be doing just emphasizes that it's really what you SHOULD be doing. but hey... shoulda coulda woulda. but fortunately for me, it's not to that point yet. i still have a chance. which can be a good thing or a bad thing.
in any case, i know that no one is to blame. no one ever is... but i've taken it upon myself to assign blame to those i think deserve it. and p.s., i'm not one of them. we'll see how this weekend goes, and then i'll make a decision from there. oh geez. not again. i wasnt expecting this so soon. but hey... ride with it, right?
funny thing is tho... the radio playlists arent supporting the decision. if there is one to make, anyway. but maybe i should start stickin to CDs again.
01.27.04.cuz.4.hours.just.isnt.enough
Your IQ score is 127
This number is based on a scientific formula that compares how many questions you answered correctly on the Classic IQ Test relative to others.
Your Intellectual Type is Insightful Linguist. This means you are highly intelligent and have the natural fluency of a writer and the visual and spatial strengths of an artist. Those skills contribute to your creative and expressive mind. And that's just some of what we know about you from your test results.
yeah. if they say so. i think i'm just average. but i could be wrong. but the natural fluency of a writer? i think not. and visual and spatail strengths of an artist? maybe, but i sure dont have the talent to be one.
01.27.04.4.hours.and.counting
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
So, the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes."
The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favorite passions--things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
"The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else--the small stuff.
"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. "Take your partner out to dinner. Go to a movie. There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the disposal.
"Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.
The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."
01.27.04.damn.you.jerry.
this is what happens when you're left alone with high speed internet with nothing better to do, no hunger pains, no money to shop with, no homework, no sisters/boyfriend/close friends/coworkers/old friends to hang out with because you're too stubborn to dial a number. YOU TAKE QUIZZES. stupid ones that are much too generalized. you should know better. but whatever. it's something to do.damnit.
You're "Cute without the "e"",
Your relationships usually go a little
something like this: You fall for them, they
cheat on you, you become a stalker. The end.
Which taking back sunday song are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
How random are you?
this quiz was made by alanna
You are Baby Gonzo from Muppet Babies! You have
definitely got some issues that need working
out. Your friends really DO like you, but
sometimes you just can't believe them. Maybe if
you'd just stop unleashing strange monsters
from the Basement . . .
Which Forgotten 80s Cartoon Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
BIRDIE
what type of BABY animal are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
ur to smart leave us alone Nerd! shut up not
listning cuz i can't understand a word u say
tone it down cuz no one cares.
do u have a mental problem
brought to you by Quizilla
Your hair color is Dark Brown. You like to be rebellious, but you have a strong
consience. You hate the rules your parents put
on you so you do whatever to make you feel like
they don;t have total control of your life.
You're probably a lot like me.
What color hair should YOU have???
brought to you by Quizilla
January 27, 2004
sometimes i wish i was single. because being in a relationship can really tire you out after a while. but i guess that's what breaks are for. but along with those breaks comes a certain amount of rules and guidelines (e.g. unless it's an open relationship, dating others is a big no-no). there's also that stipulation that after a certain amount of time, you will be back with that significant other (which can be a good thing or a bad thing, which is entirely subjective). in any case, i took the liberty of imposing a break between me and brian (even though we havent discussed it, he gets the picture... i think). i'm not exactly sure how long i need. maybe all i need is today. or tomorrow. i had all day yesterday and it felt great, but only because i was in the company of sisters and close friends. today i'll be alone. so we'll see where that takes us. i'll probably pull a Logan and stop the break within 24 hours (haha! girl power!) but i guess only time will tell.
why do i need the break? just because. i've become entirely too dependent on the daily interactions between us. and i need to learn to have days without him without pulling nearly all my hair out. because there are those days, and i need to be able to pull away at will and not center my schedule around his (or vice versa). we've come to a point in our relationship when the honeymoon is over and now is the time to learn to live with each other in our daily to dos.
BAH. who am i kidding.the relationship is fine. i've just come to the habitual "i need something/someone new in my life to spice things up." i'm mentally creating problems because the fact that there are none to solve is driving me insane! i feel useless and bored. i've become that drama queen that constantly starts shit because having a problem to solve is the only thing that will get me through the day. UGH. i make me sick. maybe i just need a good fight.
or maybe it's the low of the alcohol catching up to me. see kids... alcohol is BAAAAAAD!
January 26, 2004
i had a nice LONG talk with nemo last night. just catching up. and basically realizing how long it's been since we first met. damn. we were both so different back then. i think he called cuz he re-met ronnie the other night. how you figger. i dont know. just crazy coincidences i guess.
there's been a lot of issues concerning past relationships lately. the nemo thing was one. and lately, i've been finding myself texting mark. yes, mark. just random weird shit. i remember texting him while i was at On Broadway cuz i just really wanted a male dance partner. i guess i miss him. (and for ya'll that know me, please don't ask. cuz i'm in the process of trying to figure it out too) maybe it's because i'm generally bored with my life right now and i need a little bit of drama to punch it up a notch. i did that quite often in high school and the first two years of college. i get bored. so what. i have a feeling imma end up like J-Ho with 5million hubbies. maybe. i wouldn't be opposed to that as long as they were only civil ceremonies and not holy matrimonies. cuz there's a difference, see.
anyway, i digress. point being... I'M BORED. i need to take more classes and work more and hang out with my sisters more and hang out with my family more. i need to stop being a BUM and get off my bum and go DO SOMETHING! But when i tell people that i'm only taking 4 classes, a research lab, 40 hours of work and being active in a sorority, they wonder where i find all my time. and i tell them i have TOO MUCH TIME on my hands. aw hell. i think i'll take a class without enrolling just for the fuck of it. maybe. at least it wont be for a grade. =P hey, a class of 500 students... i dont think the professor would mind feeding one more brain.
but like i said... i digress. i digress because i'm bored. i'm bored because the exciting things in life no longer excite me. i think i have a hormone problem. or it could be from depression. high strung type A personalities like me usually end up like this when they think they don't have enough to do and therefore have no purpose. down time usually isnt good for my personality type. because it heeds laziness. people like me become depressed and useless and disappear into mountains of bed sheets and dirty laundry. so anyway. i did laundry last night. cuz i was mad at brian. cuz he broke plans with me to go drink with his work friends (but actually, they were my friends before he started working there). fuckface. he already knew i had a booked schedule today but he "HAD" to go. whatever. they were asking where I was. excuse me, but when you're broke, you shouldnt be goin out drinking. and when you know you have plans with your significant other for a reason (because i couldn't see him today) you don't break those plans to go hang out with a bunch of old ladies and homos (no really, all the guys are gay). so whatever.
i digress. i think i'll go now.
but before i go... ooooh. i have a story to tell you. it's not very interesting. actually, i have a couple. one about friday night. and one about tonight. and how much i love my wonderful, beautiful sisters. yeah. but you'll hear about it eventually. if you havent called me, then call me. =)
HI RONNIE (aka mr. popular JR!)! HI JER! HI NEMO! To the three boys that always know how to keep conversation and a smile. =) ya'll are wunderbar. just know that.
January 22, 2004
besides being grossly out of shape, having to drive up and down the mountain a few times to buy chains, having to install, then uninstall, then install, then uninstall, then install, then uninstall chains, and my being completely useless today, it was a jolly good time. ya'll should roll up with us next time. =)
anyway, i should be at school. but i'm not. i should be on my way to school. but i'm not. i should have gone to class this morning. but i didnt. hmm... seems like i'm on the way to gettin those straight As this semester huh!? yup. seeeems like.
January 20, 2004
tomorrow's forecast for Bear Mountain: Partly cloudy in the morning but mostly sunny in the afternoon. with lows of 45-55!! and it's predicted to storm tonight and it's been a steady fall all week! ooooohhh weeeee! conditions are mighty yummy! and i just got my nifty new spy goggles to protect my peepers. =) sorry tailbone, you're just gonna have to suck it up and take the beating! but it's k. cuz it's aaallll fluff and stuff. no ice tomorrow. yippeee!
in other news: it's only the 4th day of school and i've already missed 2 lectures and forgot an assignment. oh well. wuuuuteva.
January 18, 2004
if it's one thing you can always count on mar to do, it's to LAG LAG LAG!!! so anyhow...
jer... these are for you... click and click haha! sorry i hella lag!
ronnie mr. rice king, these are for you (if you ever see them anyhow) click and click
oh. and i also wanted to show you my monkey. he wants me to SAVE HIM FROM THE EVIL DAVE AND BUSTERS MACHINE!! OR HE'LL BE TRAPPED FOREVER!
January 15, 2004
I'm still writing 2003 on my checks. and on my posts. oops. gimme 6 months. i'll get the hang of it soon.
it's only the 2nd day of school (for me) and parking spaces have been surprisingly numerous. i've found parking within the first minute of my entrance into any given parking structure. this is wunderbar! i guess all those stupid fucks taking up all the spaces early in the semester either finally graduated or finally gave up. hooooraayyyy!
last night we picked up some dennys and knocked out on the couch watching late night television. we opted out of smoking and pool in PB with our ((his)) friends to do so. damn we're old.
no. we're not old. my friends are just cooler than his friends. =) tee hee. southsyyyyyde!!! just kidding. but no really. he says my friends are better cuz we "interact better." i dont know what he meant by that, but whateva. but maybe he's just sayin that cuz his group of friends are always the same group of friends. and i've taken him by friends that are just starkly different. (there are the co-workers [[mga puti]], his coworkers/my starbucks gang [[mga gay]], danawoods [[mga ghetto]], the bros [[mga familia]] and the sisters) all of which vibe different, but all of which are always a source of a good time. tee hee. so my friends are beeeetterrrr neener neener neener!
oh. and jer... you don't need a girlfriend. you just need an outlet for all of that positive energy. the band is a good outlet. but doooood... the internet IS NOT!!! it's deadening you maaaan. p.s. i'll have the pictures up from your pad soon. =) from yesterday, so yesterday. haven't you heard they're gonna be up so late? haha. joke lang.
January 13, 2004
suffice to say, i've been HELLA out of it. friday night was a big blur, but bits and pieces are slowly but surely reaching my ears and i'm slowly regaining memory. if you kinda want details, go see my blogspot by clicking here. i'll probably post more as i remember them. in summary: my bank account hurts, i had more drinks than my birthday, and all i can remember is bein hella breezy. sunday night at jer's was hella chill. but i never would thunk that i could throw back 4 red bulls and still knock out as soon as i got home. (i guess there was more alcohol [[depressant]] in my system than caffeine). no more drunk days til khris's birfday. i hope not anyway.
and school is back in full swing. i only need 12 units this semester to graduate. i'm taking up 16. not because i have to... because i know if i take any less than that, i'll be HELLLLAAAA bored. this semester, takin stats (again!!! i was 4 points away from my B), testing and measurement, bio 315, spanish 103, and a research lab with Dr. Thomas (neuropsych lab). then it's just sorority life and work. so my schedule has a lot of down time. i'm thinking of filing for graduation this semester and then just coming back for 410 next semester. but i think that if i extend it another semester, i can bring up my GPA to at least a 3.3 or 3.4 and have a better chance at grad school. or if anything, i can apply for the I/O program at state. booooooo!
anyhoo... i didn't get a chance to make new year resolutions. cuz i was bedridden all new years eve and new years day. unfortunately, it wasnt due to alcohol. i think i woulda been in better shape if it had been. but this year, let's just aim for less fat and more money. =)
January 8, 2004
HEY ERIK.... have a safe trip there and back. and don't drink the water. and make sure you keep an eye on what you're really eating. and get me a shot glass. and... and.. and... wave to the islands for me as you're landing. =) have fun. and make sure you slather on the bug repellent on a regular basis.
In any case, HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE! sorry i lag. but you know how it is during vacation. i go back to school next semester, so you'll be seein more of me. on a tuesday thursday basis, anyway.
so 52govroom.com finally works. i didn't do much. i just wrote a very long, very irritated, very aggravated letter to customer service, and viola, everything works normally. =) what a bunch of assholes. scared of a GIRL. i bet it's a bunch of skinny, bottle-coke wearin nerds that have nothing better to do but fuck around with their computers and pretend that they are the powerkeepers of our worlds because their computer knowledge far exceeds those of normal humans. yeah. then one irritated letter carrying any sort of threat and they retreat. what a bunch of pussies. in any case... whatever. it's back up. so the frustration is gone. no more dealin with this shit for another year. and by then, i wont have to deal with this cuz yalls are gonna have http://oocities.com/i52govroomi as your bookmarks. =) thanks.
hi big bro. i miss you too.
