January 30, 2008
i'm glad it's almost February. Because this month has been too stressful. and that's a horrible horrible thing to be at the very beginning of the year. So i'm gonna start anew in February. and by March, everything should be just dandy! WOO!

i picked up a six-pack today. which REALLY made me feel like an alkie. But as of late, i've been appreciating beer a lot more. It's like coffee and wine! YAY! you just have to develop a pallate for it and taste a VARIETY! instead of the ho-hum regular crap they have on tap. So The Yardhouse has been my haven. especially during happy hour! my current favorite? Leinenkugel Sunset Wheat! it tastes like if you used hefeweizen in your fruity pebbles instead of milk. it's quite delicious. a second runner up is Lost Coast Downtown Brown which tastes like Italian Roast's beer persona. DELICIOUS!

i'm starting to become a snob. but at least most places carry widmers.

i think it's doing all kinds of funky things to my belly, tho. so i need to start working out again. and eating better. cuz this carbonation is just making me bloat bloat bloat and toot toot toot!


January 29, 2008
aside from being broke from too many car repairs and unexpected expenses that have added up to way too much for me to think about without a migraine starting to form.... nothing much in the ways of mar. i'm just pooped from trying to figure out how i'm gonna get by until i finally have a check that isn't completely accounted for by my car. UGH. and p.s. if you were wondering.... it's been a high deductible, a 3 week car rental, a new set of tires, new wheel bearings for both the left and the right rear wheels. SHEESH. and i still have to pay for Christmas on top of that. which means... CRAPOLA!

keepin my head up, tho. I'm hoping that something good will happen soon and i can pay off these bills without having to ask my parents for help. i'm an adult now, aren't I? and my parents' money should be going to support the other 3 kids that are living with them right now. asking them for help right now would just make them worry. and that's the last thing i want.

just keep praying for me. cuz the bulk of my prayers have been for my family back home (they've been having a lot of trials lately, as well).

but i should stop. leave my problems in the hands of God. and just pray for them to get better.

i know it sounds a little crazy and not very practical. But at this point, that's really the only thing i can think of to do.

i'm just feelin the wear and tear of winter. you know how i get this time of the year. i'm just not good in the cold. and the rain. and the icky sticky STINKY wetness of it all.

i miss summertime. even here in the heat of the desert.


January 20, 2008
i know it's kind of a long shot to hope that the chargers beat the UNDEFEATED patriots today. on the one hand... i would LOVE LOVE LOVE for my home team to come to my current city for the superbowl. On the other hand, i still have some part of me that is still loyal to Junior Seau and hope that he actually gets a superbowl ring (even if it is with the opposite team). but i would love for all the san diego fans to come here to visit. it will be like home again. =)

out of boredom, i googled myself. Turns out.. there is a Maria L. Alejandrino (whodathunk same middle initial too!) that is heavily involved with Neurological studies. well.. to be more specific, she is an actual neurologist. which, coincidentally, was my absolute favorite subject in college. why i never pursued the subject... it would take me a million lines to explain how that didn't happen. but that's okay. it's nice to know that at least my name will live on in that field. even if it wasn't myself. and even if i never actually made any impact in the field like i would have hoped. (unless there is some odd chance that my paper on phantom limbs struck a cord with someone and it promted more studies. but i highly doubt that)

i should really be getting ready for work. but i'm too lazy and it's too cold. and i'm having a really good hair day and i don't wanna wash it out.

but we both know that as soon as i hit save and publish, i'll be off this computer and in the shower within 30 seconds. how predictable.


January 18, 2008
You cannot depend on an alcoholic, so you learn to live for the moments when they are present. You tell yourself you'll leave, but then they do something wonderful that reels you back in: host a picnic on the living room floor in January; find the face of Jesus in a pancake; celebrate the cat's birthday by inviting all the other neighborhood cats for tuna. You use all the good times to paint over the bad, and pretend you can no longer see the grain of wood that she's made of. You watch her wade through sobriety and secretly wish she would drink, because that is when she turns into the person you love; and you cannot figure out who you hate more: yourself for thinking this, or her for reading your mind.

a small excerpt from a book that i just finished. i'm glad i finished it because there are too many instances where i saw myself in the character too often. it's a powerfully written.... to me at least. because there were so many pages that i wish i could reflect here. so many things that were said in a character's head that i wish someone could tell me in real life. so many passages that i felt my heart breaking because it's reflected in some aspect of my current life.

the excerpt above tells you how i felt when i was drinking a lot. I wasn't in as bad a state, but i was definitely on the way there. i could never forgive myself if anyone were to think those thoughts about me. and i could never forgive myself for letting it happen.

in any case.... it's under control. and i'm on my way back to the library to pick up my next day-stealer. 19 minutes by Jodi Picoult. i started reading the first chapter while waiting for pane to decide on a book at Borders. I'll read it first. if it catches me, then i'll buy it. =)


January 17, 2008
my brother told me he's planning on buying a new scion. which makes me feel all the while better because at least i know that now he'll be driving a dependable car and he'll be just fine. It sucks to have a car payment... but he's been growing up too fast as it is... so i figger that he's mature enough to really know what he's getting into. i'm kinda bummed that he's not driving a pink car anymore, tho.

i have 2 whole days off! actually... 2 and a half. i'm not so sure what to do with myself. the initial thought was to drive home. but not on 2 bad tires. my car has been driving extra loud ever since i picked him up from the body shop. i got two of the tires replaced (shoulda been four, but i'm super strapped for money b/c of the whole accident thing. with a 3 week rental. and christmas to boot). so hopefully if i can stick to my budget, i'll be able to get the other 2 next week. HOPEFULLY. at least it's only alignment wear on the tread. the center tread is still good. just the outsides have been worn pretty badly.

so no san diego for mar this weekend. it's okay. i don't have any real reason to go other than to see my parents. but i think they've acclimated to me no longer being around. Which is both a good thing and a bad thing. Good because I feel better knowing that they really don't need me around. they can handle their own in that household. Bad, because .... well... because i miss the crap out of them on a daily basis.

it's frickin cold out here in the desert. today's high was 54 degrees. griefers. i was telling one of my new partners today how when i first came out here, i would have anxiety attacks because i couldn't smell the ocean. and there were no seagulls to be found anywhere. and the ducks and mallards were all ugly. and how the sky was never blue enough.

i used to bitch about not being able to leave my bubble. and now that i'm outside of it... i want to be back in. be back where i'm always sheltered. where i know everyone. and how to get everywhere. and how the city speaks to me and tells me of her secret food places. and how no matter how late it is... there's always a place to get some good mexican food. or copies made. the city itself sleeps, but when you want something... you can find it at any time. i miss it. i miss not dreading the drive anywhere. because it was always worth the trip. i miss not having to risk my life on a daily basis because the people around me don't understand english or how to drive or have common sense. there are a lot of idiots in san diego, but nothing compares to where i am now. (ofcourse, i'm only a few miles from california. i'm sure it gets worse as we get further away)


January 15, 2008
today is my mommy's birthday. Please pray for her to have a happy birthday and for many more to come. that woman is the reason that i have become who i am. and you can take it either way... whichever way you see me. I don't care much about what you think... just what she thinks (and ofcourse Him).

and just as i think i have financial stability right around the corner... WHAM!!! something else happens. Tomorrow i have to get new tires. yay. oh what fun sitting in a shop for hours on end will be! that... and i really don't have the means to at the moment. but i guess i just have to suck it up and just continue not shopping/eating out/drinking (as often). BOO.

that's not what's really bugging me, tho. Yesterday, my little brother totalled his car. =(!!!!! He's physically okay (thank God! ... funny thing about that... is that he was on his way to church and totalled his car one block away). I told him that I think it was God's way of telling him to slow down. He's been working his butt off trying to make money for his trip out to Australia to see the Pope this summer. That, and he's pretty much self-reliant. He pays his own way for everything, and helps out my family financially because i'm not in the household anymore. so at 19 years old, I am so proud of what he has accomplished and how he has turned out as a person. But he really has been working himself way too hard (3 jobs, goes to school full time trying to get into the nursing program at one of the toughest programs in the state, and still manages to maintain a full social calendar and is active in the church). I'm very proud of him. but at his age... he needed to slow down. so maybe this accident was a blessing in disguise. I'm from the school of "God does everything for a reason." and for someone like my brother... there was something else going on here that we'll learn later on. I don't know why i'm having such a hard time dealing with it. because he's FINE.

I think i'm more freaked out because it makes him mortal. ofcourse i've always known that... but this just made it so clear. UGH. I can't handle death. I've never been able to. I can't even handle it when my mom is sick with a cold. I had a breakdown when my dad was diagnosed with diabetes. when it comes to my immediate family... i can't handle it. I'm a strong person with everything else in my life except this one aspect. I should probably see a shrink about that, huh?

great. now i'm all flustered, thank you very much. (hello, kryptonite)


January 9, 2008
i suppose i should sit and reflect and decide on some solid goals for myself for this year. but i haven't really decided on anything. so let's regurgitate some previous resolutions that i have yet to achieve.

~Get my financial situation situated. It is for the most part. I just need to do some more fine tuning and really get to where I want to be. I projected to be completely clear (with the exception of my student loan) of debt by June of 2009.
~Start drinking/socializing more. This is something that i was striving for the opposite in previous years. But in the past couple of years, I've realized that I wasn't really myself when I was holding back and keeping "control" on myself. At least i've learned self control. So now it's a matter of having fun again. (yeah. i know it can be fun without alcohol... but it's just so much more amusing WITH it!)
~Get back into shape. Now that i have the means and the time to do it. It's not necessarily for my shape. It's more as a concern for my HEALTH. Let's face it... i'm almost THIRTY! ACK! so now would be a really good time to get some good habits going and prolong my life.
~Travel more. I need to stop making excuses and just go for it. and stop flaking.

that's it, in a nutshell. I think i've come a long way from the person i was a few years ago. I've actually grown up and matured. =) YAY me.