January 30, 2009
Pane moved out most of his stuff today. Him and Michael packed up his truck and took off to San Diego. I kinda don't know how to feel. It feels really weird. Like it feels like a big huge sigh of relief... but it's so weird that i'm really getting divorced. Never in a million years did i ever imagine getting divorced. =( And to be in a situation like this.

Man.... who knew?!?!?! But as of right now... my heart is so full with the people that have come out of the woodworks for support. People that would have been the least expected to be supportive of me. SO my heart is full of love <3

Cindy took me out to Margarita Rocks last night because my myspace blog almost made her cry. So she took me out to make sure that I was okay. A LOT LOT LOT of jagerblasters and beer later... mar was still not drunk. so 3 more shots later... mar had a good buzz... mar was dancing =) [[hee hee... it's been a while]] and we were out the door. =P It was a GRAND OLE time!!! But i kinda feel bad for Nick cuz i kept drunk texting him =(

But we had another long talk today and we're good. That seems to be our relationship lately... one of us breaks and needs to be consoled... then the other breaks and we fix it. I love that we fix everything TOGETHER.

Now i'm sittin here having a friends marathon all by my lonesome. so sad. so sad. But he's here with me in spirit <3 He went to apply for new jobs today! I'm so proud of him! And as messed up as all of this has been... I truly believe that we came together at the right time. Because we're really motivating each other to get our stuff done. Really working our butts off to get our future paved and the lines painted on. <3


January 28, 2009
Sometimes I feel like i take Brian for granted. And you know what? I probably do. sometimes I don't realize that he's really there for me and that I can call on him for the most part for whatever I need. Like this weekend for example... I'm sure he knew that I was aching about nick. That I was turning to him for yet another broken heart. i feel bad about it... but i know it's because he's sooooo good to me. And I'm still unclear why. Like... is it because he still loves me in that way and wants to wait in the wings? or is it because he really is truly my best friend and this is him just being a wonderful friend? or are there other motives.

That's the thing about our relationship... there are always so many roadblocks. We connect on so many different levels, but the communication isn't there. The trust is definitely there. And I know that what we have is absolutely unconditional. Because we're gonna grow old together... regardless of whether or not we're a couple or just friends. It's a given... we're in each other's lives forever. But the thing that being with nick has taught me is that without that clear line of communication, the relationship really can't reach it's full potential. And with brian, I hesitate way too much. I'm afraid of what he'll think or feel or fear of how he'll react. Because I know how he is. I know how his head processes things. And that's the reason why I can't be completely open with him. I can be HONEST with him... i just can't spill the beans about everything. And it sucks. And it hurts because I really want to tell him everything. But I can't. BLEH.

Nick and I talked about that today. About just how we're feeling. AGAIN. another FULL DAY of hashing things out and dissecting and talking about our feelings. Just being completely open about it. THat's what we've promised each other... TRUST. COMMUNICATION. Complete honesty and openness. And I love that about us. Because I know that even if it's gonna make me look like a horrible person, or if I know that what I'm going to tell him is going to hurt him.... I can still tell him. Without the fear of judgment. Because i know he'll be understanding and comforting and really listen to my reasons. Our minds function so similarly that it's a little scary. Our hearts pretty much beat at the same rhythm at this point. I'm apprehensive about telling him a few things... but I know that I still want to tell him and that I CAN tell him without being fearful of what will happen or what his reaction will be. Because I know what his reaction is going to be.

And what we have is exactly how relationships SHOULD be. And it just really really sucks that we can't do anything about it right now. And there's no rush. We've already decided that. That whatever happens will happen. And that as long as we are completely honest with each other then we'll be fine in the long run. But there are just so many things that run through my head and I just want this whole ordeal to be over so that we CAN do all of those things that we talked about. And just really be who we are and be with each other.... and just be happy. and make each other happy.

You know me. All I've ever wanted is to be happy. And I can see that in Nick. He can actually give me everything I've ever wanted.


January 27, 2009
mar needs a pair of cookie pants ^_^ I heart scrubs!!!

So after my trip to San Diego I felt a little bit better. Just getting away from the heartbreak really helped. But I was running away. And I always run away. I don't want to do that with Nick. EVER. He's been such a good friend and such a great person in my life that I really can't let him go. =(

after another day of crying and bawling and trying not to completely shut down... I picked myself up and went to work. (actually, I got up at like 2am, hauled ass back to phoenix, showered and went to work =P) Nick text me that he needed to talk. So we text for a bit. and i called him after work.

Nothing like a good talk between us to help with the healing process. In a nutshell, we were both a complete mess. Both hurting and really depressed about the whole thing. Absolutely scatterbrained and depressed and unable to function because our eyes were filled with tears every other second. So I called him after work and we just let it all out. Hashed out what happened, what could happen, what needs to happen, what shouldn't happen. EVERYTHING.

So we're just gonna back off from each other. Let me get my divorce in order and let him figure out what he needs to do to get his life on track. We'll be there for each other if the other needs the other... so our communication will be based on a need basis. Which is still going to be weird because I'm so used to just picking up the phone and texting him or calling him so we can spend some time together. UGH. I really don't know how I'm going to do this. But talking it out with him has really helped.

Then again... I really don't want him to play any part of my divorce. I don't ever want to think about it and have him be a part of it. Even if it's as a shoulder to cry on (which I wont... cuz I've cried enough over Pane that i'm SOOOO done). So this is a good thing.

And when all is said and done, then we can pick up our friendship where we left off (well... not exactly where we left off)... but be able to hang out again and be there for each other again. We just need a cooling-off period to get our feelings and emotions and our lives in order. Because it will just make our relationship THAT much easier when we pick it back up. =)

This whole thing really has been a testament to how strong our friendship is. That we can get through something like this... be open and honest and be completely ourselves and talk it all out without hating each other. Really just being there for each other and helping the other sort things out.

yes, I have something similar with Brian... but what Nick and I have is just absolutely amazing. I never thought I would ever find someone that I could be so open and honest with and have no fear of his reaction. Like... NONE. I may hesitate at times, but I know that he's gonna get it out of me and I know that he's going to be accepting and understanding and helpful. Even if I know that it will hurt him, I know that I can tell him because I know that he will be understanding.

we just FIT.


January 25, 2009
Yesterday was one of those days that will forever haunt me. Nick had a very long talk with his parents, and basically gave him an ultimatum::: cease all contact with me, or get kicked out. He chose to go cold turkey. And ofcourse, I have to go along with the decision. Not like I have a choice. I could plead and make my case and fight for us. But I wouldn't be that greedy to ask him to choose his family over me. I can't do that. I refuse to. Because I would never want to be placed in that situation. To have to choose between the person that I love or my family. Because I will always choose my family. So ... naturally... here I am... a bawling mess. And I'm sure he's the same way.

I called him during my lunch at work. I sat behind the store, in an empty parking lot and listened to one of my best friends cry hysterically. That's the worst feeling... because I know those tears are caused by me. =( So back to work I went. In a daze. Not knowing what I was doing or what I was going to do. Just numb. From head to toe. from every little nerve in my body. Nothing processed. I don't think I've ever been THAT consumed over anything at work before. But at least I held it together long enough to make it out the door. but the second that my foot hit that pavement... *BOOM*

The tears started and never stopped. At the park. At home. In the car ride to San Diego. I'm trying to rationalize why I'm feeling like this, and came to the conclusion that::: Here was a big part of my future, standing in front of me. Everything I've ever wanted.... and with more to learn and more to come.... then to have it completely RIPPED away. And nothing left. Not even a friendship. Not even a glimmer of maybe seeing each other in the future. Left without even a MAYBE.

It was only 2 weeks. But two weeks of bliss and planning and everything feeling PERFECT. And the more I learned the more I wanted. The more I received the more we planned. It just FIT. PERFECTLY. All we had to do was to fill in the blanks. But that was something we planned on doing together. And now.... NOTHING.

I really want to be angry. Because it's not fair. But I rationalize it and I have no right to be angry. Because we brought this upon ourselves. But that's the kicker.... the day before, we decided to cool off and take a break from each other. Because if we were gonna really do this, then we were going to do it right. And though it started off wrong, we were intent on making it right. Not by un-doing anything... but by being responsible and doing what we had to do before we got in any deeper. But now... that's not even an option.

I keep hoping that there's still hope for us to be together. But at this point I don't even know. And I don't even have the option of talking to him about it. And it sucks... because we promised each other that everything between us would be open. No secrets. We based it on TRUST and COMMUNICATION. And now the communication part is no longer an option. Oso said it's like Romeo and Juliet. Damn Capulet!

But as a Libra.... freakin LIBRA!!! I understand where his parents are coming from. They probably hurt just as much as we do. BEcause how do you watch your son go from bliss to THIS?!?!? You want the best for him, and you're looking out for him and his soul. And yes, this is the right thing to do. But to watch how devastating it is and to watch someone you love so much to be in so much pain... I know they hurt too. So we're all hurting. BLAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

So.... the only thing for me to do now is just to get my shit together and figure out the rest of it. I'm glad I have such wonderful people left in my life to console and talk me through this. It just really really hurts and it just really really sucks.

I should start the filing for dissolution process. And start budgeting. CRAPOLA!!! No mini cooper for mar mar this year. =( Pooper... I know I can afford the rent by myself... I just won't be able to afford anything else -_-

Cheers to growing up! So.... under my belt::: Degree, Marriage, Divorce, DUI. Just wonderful how far i've strayed from the master plan >_< Someone please shoot me.


January 20, 2009
So a lot has happened in the past couple of weeks. After the happy hour/wall-sit/hike/picnic days... the next day we had a Scrubs marathon til 4am at my place. And in the morning, we went to the Farm for a picnic-style lunch, a hunt for four-leaf clovers, and a nap in the field. Later that night we had a friends marathon. And the morning after? A trip to Prescott. .... and then... *dun dun dunnnnnnnn*

After watching the eagles win and the chargers lose (STupid chargers!!!) we just explored Prescott. Just kinda walked around and did nothing. Talked about who knows what. And just enjoyed each others' company. Then we watched the sun set over a lake, watched the first few stars appear, and take in a magnificent sight. [sidebar: we found a patch of snow on the side of road. like a big block of ice =P and then we stopped where it was kinda snowy and pretty and found out it was all slippery-break-your-tail-bone-snow-ice hee hee] So we decide to take the scenic route back home so we can enjoy the stars instead of having to drive on the rickety bright freeway. And decide to stop where we first stopped on our way up to watch for shooting stars. But before that, we saw Christmas lights! and a giant singing christmas tree!!! <3!!! SO ofcourse we stopped and hung out and just enjoyed the lights... and that's when the cuddling started. And our "first" kiss in front of the courthouse in front of the giant candles and fake shooting stars. ^_^ So anyhooo... we stop along the side of the mountain to star-gaze and more cuddling... one thing led to another and 5 hours, 3 weezer albums, sinatra, and dino later.... we had sore lips, dreams in our heads and were left in disbelief that this whole night just happeened. The sky decided to bless us with one awesome shooting star on the way home <3 which I only saw the tail end of cuz i'm a bum and fell asleep in the car.

So that's where it began. And now i've been in this crazy haze that I haven't experienced in a very long time. I love it! But I shouldn't lose focus on home, on my mini cooper, and just getting my stuff straight.

There's still the issue of my marriage to deal with. I've been telling pane that I'm done. I just want out of this relationship because i know we're not right for each other. I don't love him anymore, and I haven't in some time now. It's sad to say. And I still have avoided telling him that, but it's something that I feel... have FELT. And it's worse now because he's actually working on himself and trying to hold on to me and sustain the marriage. But it's so one sided. That's the problem with us. It's ALWAYS one-sided. In the beginining it was me trying to make things work. Trying to make a home for us and trying to start a life for us so that we could do all of the things that we talked about. But it was just me making the effort and he put me down for trying and just kept kicking and kicking and now I'm just beat. THere were a few times that I thought we could actually make it-- those few times that I thought he actually got the message in his head that marriage is about compromise and communication and trust and having the same beliefs. But if I said one thing wrong or he perceived something I said in the wrong way... then it just all went in the crapper. And after a few times of getting my hopes up and thinking that things would turn around... then getting knocked down and crushed... I'm just done. I'm done thinking that things will change. I'm done thinking that he can make me happy. I'm just DONE. So now it's just a waiting game. I've been avoiding him. Every time he wants to spend time with me I say no. Because I know what he's going to do... he's just gonna get my hopes us and knock me down again. I've been stupid in this relationship for long enough. It's time to get myself our before i lose my sanity and lose myself in the process.

I feel like crap for treating him like this. But I'm not trying to hurt him. I'm just trying to drive in my point... that he needs to just let me go. Let me GO and just let me have my freedom back. My sanity back. My SELF back. And he just refuses to let go. And it sucks-- but i'm not giving in. I'm not gonna be in a relationship with someone that I don't love [or have the possibility of love]-- let alone be married to someone that I know I can't grow to love because I know how he is in his core. He's being selfish and it's not fair.

And now there's this with nick. That we're so attached to each other and making plans and can't stand to not be around each other. =X As horrible as I feel for "cheating" on pane... being with nick just feels so RIGHT. so wonderful. It feels like home with him. Being with nick is all the wonderful that I had with Brian, except this time there's an actual future and not just the present.

oh yes... there's a brian story too. But we'll get to that later ^_^ But you know how i feel about Brian. It was just perfect. PERFECT. until we both realized that it would be that way forever. At a standstill. With us growing old together, but never actually growing UP.

And that's the difference this time around. I can actually see a future. And it feels good in the present.


January 8, 2009
Tuesday evening Nickie and I decided to do happy hour at BJs. Endless conversation with that guy, I tell yah. <3 A few beers and some pizza later, I had to be home for the season premier of Scrubs. So I hurry home in time to watch both episodes, and we decide that we still want to be with each other. So off to Buffalo wild wings we go! 2 hours later (and more conversation) and Cindy and Ariana decide to join us =) [sidebar: David wants Nick and Ariana to start seeing each other] so a few shots later, we decide to have a nightcap at Cindy's new apartment =) and a few more shots later, we're getting kicked out of the place because her roommate was awake and pissed! But Nickie and I weren't done yet... so we hung out in the parking lot, found a 6-foot wall to sit on and sat there for a couple more hours just talking.

If I didn't know any better, I think i'm digging deeper and deeper with this guy. But as much as I want to stop it in its tracks before we're in WAAAAAY too deep.... I don't want it to end either. We had a talk about it a couple of weeks ago.... about how the more time we spend together the harder it is not to like the other more. But we just can't help it. =/ so now what? He said the only way to stop it is to just cut off-- cold turkey. But that would hurt so much and suck so bad! oh geeeeeez. >_<

And today we were talking about the weather... and ended up having a picnic on top of south mountain and playing Uno. <3 Yesterday we spent the whole morning hiking in the White Tank mountain. Mar went hiking! and SOOOO sore from it right now! but feeling SOOOO good!

So I'm at a standstill right now. Just waiting until something tells me to either stop or pursue it. He makes my heart flutter. When I think about the time we spend together, I get lost in my own thoughts and I catch myself smiling for no reason. So if you ever see me with glossy eyes, it means I'm probably thinking of a time when we were together. for example: right now.

ahhhh amore......


January 2, 2009
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! Let's just get that out in the open. I hope all of you had a safe, memorable, and Happy Holiday Season! I on the other hand, spent the entirety of NYE cleaning house in an attempt to start the new year fresh. There are many goals to come and lotsa big things I want to accomplish for myself. =) CHEERS TO 2009!!!

And yes... been a while since my last post, hasn't it? It's called a bad computer that crashes on Thanksgiving and decides to do it over and over again. I'm still in the process of getting it repaired. But it did solidify the need for a new macbook <3!!! Brian got one recently and Nickiepoo has convinced me that Mac is the way to go. And after dealing with the customer service of HP, i figured that service is totally worth the price. And come on.... we all know how much of a snob that mar is. tee hee!

Lots has happened. Shall I document? Well... where shall we begin? Let's start with the crush, shall we? Well the whole Giant ordeal has taken a twist. One night we were supposed to go to Glendale Glitters just to see the lights, have some dinner, maybe a couple of drinks, and call it a night. Well.... dinner turned into an adventure to Glendale to look at a few lights and a hunt for wine. Why wine? I'm not too sure. But wine it was and off to Audra's apartment. Where after finishing a couple of large bottles, we decided to get some jagermeister and make it a night. Well... a full bottle of jagermeister later, Giant was drunk. I was drunk. And Sarah was drunk. And we ended up at the pool, then the hot tub. then the pool. then hot tub. There were these strange boys that were around, but that's just a tangent. The biggie? Nickie and I shared a fabulous moment preceding a shooting star that he does not remember. We shall keep it at that, because the memory (no matter how drunk I was) is forever ingrained in my head. Well... Nick and Sarah started making out and I remember a string of events of me taking off and trying to avoid seeing them. It was a crazy night, and we'll keep it at that.

The same weekend, Nickie crashed Bruce in California. =( and when he returned, we had a very nice, very LONG talk about our relationship. How we feel/felt/crave. It was good. We laid all of our cards out on the table and basically came to the decision that this friendship of ours would become even more solid that it already has.... BUT... after last night, then there's more to come =P

Nickie's 21st birthday went off without a hitch. His fambam is the greatest and he was the drunken giant puking all over the backyard. It was good times. I got some GREAT photos ^_^

which brings us to yesterday.... our talk came to the conclusion that the both of us are digging deeper and deeper, but crushing the friendship would just hurt even more. So we'll keep fighting for it. And try not to dig deeper... but we shall see what happens in the end. Somewhere in the conversation, the word "sin" came up. And I just thought... this boy is amazing for bringing that up and being so good. Just leaves me in a place where I really need to make a decision. And seems like now would be the best time for that.

In other news... Christmas was FABULOUS!!! I spent it with my family--- the people I love the most in this world. Reminds me of why it was the right decision not to leave for college. And why I love them so much. And why Brian and Oso are the best friends ever.

We'll get into the resolutions another time. My planner is in the car and that's where they're written. =) but among them.... Move back to SD, buy a mini cooper, and finish paying off my credit cards. I'm still debating on whether or not I want to buy a new tv and a macbook this year.... more debt, i suppose. =P