7.31.02.YEYEYEY!
i was actually planning to stay home today after work. my moms been trippin lately about me always being out. BUT... i just couldnt stand the silence. and Bri was sick of the the typing noise in his head. soooo..... we met up for coffee and watched the sunset. cirrus clouds. OH WOW. cirrus clouds make a beautiful sunset! there were rainbows in the clouds. indescribable. you had to be there. sippin on my large mocha caramel latte. with someone who appreciated the atmosphere and knew exactly how to react to it with me.

headed over to the new TARGET in mission valley. it just opened, so we wanted to check it out. ...i wanted to show him the escalator that carried the cart, and he wanted to check out a two-story target. we ended up staying for almost 2 hours. playing hide and seek. playing with pre-school toys. watching SHREK in the kids department. he was flossin a scooby backpack and i was flossin a pooh bear backpack. know what else we were both luggin? SUPERMAN LUNCHBOXES!! strollin around in target with our empty cart (which got JACKED by the way). playing with EVERYTHING! i had SOOOOO much fun! only with Bri could i have that much fun in target. we're plannin a rendezvous at ToysRus soon. WOWEE! then we got ice cream. and ended the night there. all in all... had lots of fun. its always a good time w/ bri. im glad we went out. got to take my mind off things. i think i woulda gone crazy had i stayed home and signed on. and bri finally gave me my present that he got me like 3 months ago. haha. talk about LAG.

he needs a new best friend. so.... HERE I AM BRI!

what time does the subway close? *flashes hands twice* hey look at the sun now! *looks to the left... THUD!* TIGER!! here's your bib. *wide arms. sweater pocket* man. only a couple of months ago, we couldnt even look each other in the eye. now, its like we're connected at the hip. and the brain. and the cel phone. hahaha.

p.s. im accepting applications for a date for a second viewing of Goldmember. bri watched it a second time w/ erijane. so.... i need a date. please. THANKS.

July 31, 2002
single aagain. since the AM. err... late last night. details shall be divulged at a later date. stay tuned and maybe you will be gratified.

i was one with the playlist again. you can't ignore something like that. specially when the lyrics scream so loudly.

... how you figger... i was lyric hunting today too. purely coincidental... no... ITS THE FORCE!!!

at least jan and jason seem to be hitting it off. OOH! me and bri have STORIES about that! we're making a lame attempt at playing cupid with the two... combining the cupid responsibilities w/ a game of taildaters. haha. beep beep jan!

have you seen my slutty ass new boyfriend anywhere? brian introduced me to him the other night. his name is doug. you might know him. he's the lead singer for hoobastank. i know he's hot. and you know what? he's MINE.. you may have had him once but i got him all the time. HE'S MINE...

so anyway... it didnt mean NOTHING. to those of you who care enough to have taken the time to get to know me, then you already know taht. im just good at distracting myself. good at keeping my happy face on while the reparations go on inside. im not gonna let this phaze me... on the outside. screw that. my idea of healthy healing is to let it out in spurts over time. the ex-bfs that frequent this could vouch for that.
healing takes time. but it doesnt mean it takes away your life. and there is no time limit specified. so im gonna take my sweet ass time.

but you know what gets to me? i CRIED last night. first time ive cried for a guy in over a year. but not because it was over. because i realized something.... (to be continued elsewhere)


7.30.02.JUMBLES.
I don't want you to give it all up
And leave your own life collecting dust
And I don't want you to feel sorry for me
You never gave us a chance to be
And I don't need you to be by my side
To tell me that everything's alright
I just wanted you to tell me the truth
You know I'd do that for you
Why are you running away?
Why are you running away?
Cause I did enough to show you that I
Was willing to give and sacrifice
And I was the one who was lifting you up
When you thought your life had had enough
And when I get close, you turn away
There's nothing that I can do or say
So now I need you to tell me the truth
You know I'd do that for you
So why are you running away?
Why are you running away?
Is it me, is it you
Nothing that I can do
To make you change your mind
Is it me, is it you
Nothing that I can do
Is it a waste of time?
Is it me, is it you
Nothing that I can do
To make you change your mind
So why are you running away?
Why are you running away?
...What is it I've got to say...
So why are you running away?
...To make you admit you're afraid...
Why are you running away?

oh... and on a different note, please pray for my Kuya in Maryland.

7.30.02.in.good.faith.in.good.time.
throughout my life, i've always had one or two friends that stuck around only because i was a nice person and they knew that i could be taken advantage of. i was willing to do anything and everything for my friends. im a giver. and nothing has changed. although, what HAS changed is my tolerance for users.
which sucks because i tend to trust a little too easily. so when i think i have friends, i always believe that their intentions are good. never to take advantage of what i can give them.
right now im just a bit skeptical about a few people. ive been burned before. and as of now, im in full-defense mode.

only humor can break down the barriers. what happened? i used to have so much of it in my life.
i guess there is still a smidgen of it left. and that's why only a smidgen of people can seep through the cracks.

can you do me a favor?

ask yourself something...

are you yourself?
... food for thought.

July 30, 2002
hey erik... i never got a chance to tell you that i like your new layout. very summer. i like that pose. makes me wanna be a beached whale. not that you're a whale or anything. toothpick. and THANKS for FINALLY taking that picture of the es por mar sign. haha. but i guess the Spor already blew out. sorry for snobbing you yesterday. i was superclose to saying "yes, you were the person i was waiting to IM me." but i had to go. dont worry. i wasnt the best person to talk to yesterday.
for those of you who arent long-time readers, a while back, erik passed by a sign that said "Spor Mar" you know... sportmart. and when he saw it he thought "es...por... mar." he said he was gonna take a picture of it... and he finally did! and here it is...


ERIK ROCKS!!! haha. yes. you really do. did i feed your ego enough?

iiiii wanna be your chick. i wanna be down for you. be your down ass chick. ill ride for you. down for you. do anything you want me to. ill be your down ass chick...
seems to be the song of the week. plays almost every 5 minutes. ja and ashanti make a cute couple.

i wanna ask that bank teller guy out one day. he's a really cool guy. (his name is jason [jay for short] BTW) i wanna hang out before he leaves for europe. today i had to bring down 8 deposits. so we were sitting there chatting for a good half hour while he did my transaction. he rocks.


7.29.02.hmm.still.confused.
you know how i had that dream about mark getting to san diego and not calling me? well it pretty much came true. i reserved the whole day for him. wanted to go watch Goldmember w/ him and jess. wanted to spend some time with him after the long week apart. but... nothing.
you know what i ended up doing? wandering around san diego. spending over a hundred at abercrombie. coffee w/ brian. jollibee. and basically wasting time and gas. i didnt have to be home til midnight. the night is young. but ive given up on any hope of even a phone call.
to simply say that im upset is an understatement. yes, i had fun w/ brian today. but he wasnt the person that i was reserving my day for. i was expecting a phone call to wake my sleepy ass up this morning. i woke up at 630am. couldnt go back to sleep in fear of missing a call. me and bri were on the phone til 330am last night/this morning. giving me a total of 3 hours of sleep. i could have slept in. but i didnt. instead, i kept myself busy in order to stay awake. and what do i get for my efforts? i was hoping to get the same sacrifice of rest in return. but... whatever. i must ease my focus elsewhere. all of this negativity is really fucking up my psyche.i think its time i pull the whole psychologist bit, and treat this as an experiment and withdraw myself from the situation. as harsh as it sounds.... its something that i have to do.

im angry. this is how i deal. we're almost at the crucial 3-month point.

he doesnt want to be just a number. as if my other relationships were. wants it to be unique. wants to be the guy that really made a difference. i admit, that he has been different from the rest. it has been a completely different experience. you be the judge of whether its been good or bad. as of now... its an experiment.

yeah. you think this is harsh. but you have no clue how much i hurt right now.

July 29, 2002
i just realized that my posts have a tendency not to relate. as in... each paragraph kinda goes off in different directions. so you're left with a jumble of mush that you have to try to put together. and unless you've been keeping up with the reading, you have no clue what im talking about. my apologies.

hung out with jessica and angie last night. we went to little italy to some cute little cafe. nice atmosphere. the guy that was helping us was cool. thinking i need to hit that area up more often. give bri and erijane ideas. (they have this thing about eating somewhere new every week. neither of them have even been there. so there you go) for the most part, conversation flowed. at least now i understand how mark can stay out so late with them doing nothing but conversing. (sorry, i never did do well with girl-girl conversations except w/ my sisters) and its a good thing that im starting to get to know his friends. (geez. i felt like a MOM when i said that) maybe the more i can be included with his circleS of friends, the closer we can get, and maybe he can stop holding back as much. we told each other we wouldnt let our other relationships suffer because we were "a couple," but seeing the aftermath of trying to do so, it seems as if our own relationship suffers in trying to maintain others. so by including each other in each of our worlds, we can grow closer. hopefully. it's an ongoing experiment. dont feel bad... you will be kept well-informed.

you know what this whole has experience has made me miss tho? alone time at school. remember how i used to just chill... all by myself. reading a book. or just getting some quiet time. with thousands of people surrounding me, but no one buggin. ah. dont know if you've been a reader for that long, but yes, i used to know absolutely NOBODY at SDSU. so if i picked a spot anywhere on campus, it was pretty much guaranteed that i could sit there. do my own thing. and not be bothered. i miss that. if i wanted that again, i would have to HIDE cuz i run into people everywhere i go. but i do like the conversation. i do like the social interaction. but... i also need some alone time. (between mark, sisters, work, and bri ... and w/ pooh coming back this month, i honestly dont know when i'll be able to rack in any alone time. oh well. there goes my sanity again)

hi jan! i miss you too. im glad you're having fun with your friends. hey... hopefully one day you can incorporate your NoHo life w/ your SD life. but in time... in time. ah. you know what im trying to say. we need no words.


July 28, 2002
it's someone's birthday. WHO?! WHO?! WHO!!!!!????? it was a boy. one of them. bleh.

bunso. oldest. only child. oldest. oldest. bunso. oldest. ive never gone out with a middle child. ive clicked the best with bunsos. but theres this thang i have about the oldest child. cuz you know.. the whole responsibility thing. but me being the free spirit that i am (for the most part), and bunsos with their knack for having fun. =) i dont know. now is not the time to analyze.

i had a dream last night. (jan, you heard this already) err... yesterday... when i was napping. me, bri, and jan were shopping in irvine. (bri was shopping in irvine w/ erijane yesterday and i was talking to him for for the most part. he really wants to bring me there... cuz you know... we're both shopaholics and he knows my style) well anyway... me, bri and jan were shopping in irvine. we were just chillin... walkin... and then i see Mark, Anthony and Ronnel. it was saturday. in irvine. mark gave me this "uh oh" look. and i had this "what's going on here?" look. so we said our hellos. i asked him when he came back, and he replied:: "i was gonna call you on monday."

ill be chillin w/ jessica and angie later on tonight. i think. this should be interesting. im a little hesitant. i know how paranoid mark gets when he hears about his worlds colliding. not just these two worlds, but others. he hates to be kept out of the loop. hates not being able to control whats going on. he's the ultimate babysitter, and with him not being there tonight. it might drive him crazy when he finds out.
BUT... he never has been able to control me. it frustrates him. i know. i dont mean to. i dont do it to spite him. i do it because i like to do what i want. ive let others control my actions before. ive allowed people to overtake my thoughts and corrupt my judgment. maybe i should concede to some of his suggestions... after all... he is just trying to look out... but. i dont know. im stubborn. and if i screw up, i screw up. i like to learn my lessons the hard way. for me, decisions are hard to come by. so when i make one, i like to stick to it. (but you know Libra... only if it's fair. what a sucker)

on a much lighter note, you know me and fanmail. so i would like to share the following with you:::
in a message sent on 7/26/02 at 10:00 PM by joshSR75:: hello Fishy Kiss, of course there's tons of interesting people on this findapix.com website. like you for instance. every picture, a certain girl is like showin' off their body, posin', lookin' all hard. but you...you come up in a white shirt and a smile on your face. why...yes why are you smiling. and don't just because of the camera. like why aren't you posing all sexy, not saying you're not, but you get my drift. hit me back. i'll be waiting for a ful-filling response. names Joey. 23yrs old from north cali. sitting at home.
i replied on 7/27/02 at 6:17 PM with the message:: hello joey, 23 from north cali. im maria. MAR for short. fishy kiss is a phrase that i use to make me happy. and i agree... findapix has a ton of interesting people. and a ton of hoochied out girls trying to be sexy. so why dont i have a sexy pose showing off my body? because i dont want one on there. because i dont dress sexy. im a jeans, tshirt and flipflops kinda girl. why project a sexy image of myself when thats not who i am in real life? i mean i could, but i dont see the point. so i put up a picture of me that is me. jeans, tshirt, and the koolaid smile that i constantly have on my face. i like to chill. and thats what im doin... chillin. haha. but anyhow, nice to meet you. im likin the barrelman action. i have a barrelman and a barrelwoman a coupla feet away from me.
yeah i know. not the best response, but this was typed half asleep. and HELLO when im on findapix, im not exactly Little Ms. Intelligent. oh well. bri's almost off work. =) you know what that means.

oh hey.. before i forget... i clicked a link on the "newest bloggers" thang the other day... i thought she was pretty interesting. i liked her first line in her first entry. sounds like something i would say. as a matter of fact, i think i liked her entry cuz our writing styles are similar. hahah. me and my vanity. thats hilarious.

and that punk that was hatin on findapix finally stopped. my rating is back up to a 6.13. still average, but better than ugly.


7.27.02.avoiding.laundry
PISCES:: Wrap yourself around that special someone, and never let go. Okay, you'll have to come up for air or go out for dinner eventually, but right now you only want to be in each other's arms. This is love at its finest. No two people ever deserved each other this much.
LIBRA:: You and your lover need to go out to someplace unfamiliar and get lost in something neither one of you has ever done before. This experience will bond you together, and you'll fall in love all over again. Be willing to explore -- both yourself and your partner.

July 27, 2002
is it really saturday already? that means mark will be back in a couple of days. wow. that was quick. man i love working full time.
BTW, bossmanMark asked me today:: "how can you stay up so late at night and still open the store?" hmm. i wonder. it got me thinking. i stay up til 3/4/5 in the morning every um... morning, and i wake up to be at work by 830. work a good 8 hours and be peppy my whole shift. honestly, i dont know. i just do it.

have you ever drank so much coffee that when you pee, you relive that whole coffee experience? cuz that happens to me often. if you ever go into a bathroom stall in the middle of the afternoon and it smells like coffee, it was probably me.

i wish i had the full financial support of my parents. now that i think about it, i could be doing so much with the money i earn. BUT THEN AGAIN... i like responsibility. and i like not being a financial burden on my family. they have enough to worry about as it is. and im somewhat helping relieve the burden. i mean, it might only be a few hundred per month, but that's better than nothing. and me paying for school myself... eh. i dont know. its a little overwhelming, but that's 10Gs that my parents dont have to worry about. they still have 2 other kids to put through school.


7.26.02.YAAAAWN!!!
oy vey! that was a nice, long nap. i wonder what i missed out on. it being friday night and all.
about to meet up w/ bri (p.s. he just said "mar rocks!") in a couple of hours. he went out last friday. i went out the friday before. so this friday, we've decided that the balance needs to be balanced out and we need to chills. not him and erijane. not me and mark. me and bri. so next weekend, i get to party. then the weekend after, he gets to party. then the weekend after, we get to party together. then the weekend after, he parties w/ mike, and i party w/ pooh bear. works out. yes?

i feel like a breezy. cuz i havent been sleeping lately. BLEH. whatever. im having fun.


July 26, 2002
230am. talking to Bri as usual. jeanelle just left my pad. we got boba at quickly with bri. and the guy with the hair hooked it up. then we went ghost hunting. but i WUSSED OUT. damnit. why do i have to be such a CHICKEN? but at least we cruised LIBRA. yeah you heard me. LIBRA! and i know how to get to Bri's pad now. ugh. im beat. that movie-scream took a lot out of me. man. my abs hurt from laughing so much. its been a good day (yesterday was).

in a text message dated 7.25.02 at 4:51pm from +185872235**:: message said: the sky will never look the same again, until u showed me how it could be
in a text message dated 7.20.02 at 9:45pm from +185872235**:: message said: ...u were everything i wanted. but i just cant finish what i started
in a text message dated 7.25.02 at 4:01am from +185872235**:: message said: good night. thanks again for the invite. your friends rock!
now that ive posted those, i can finally clear out my inbox. can you tell that he likes NFG?


July 25, 2002
WOW! well in case you were wondering, YES, i DO have a perfectly good explanation of my absence.
the night before, Bri stayed up with me til 5am to clean my room. 3 hours later, i was at work and VERY excited for jan's arrival. after work, it was all SISTER time! met up w/ jan, le, and steph (the secret twin quad!) to get some sushi. then back to le's pad to chill. then chula vista to go dress shopping. after shopping, it was off to BUCA DE PEPPO!!!! you have NO clue how much ive wanted to eat there for the LONGEST time. ive been craving like crazy. im glad my first time was with people that i love. *wink wink* sisters. rho dawgs. jason from work. and Bri. had LOTS of fun. conversation is always great. sister time is always great. hey steph:: "i dont know if you remember me..." hahahhah! turns out steph and bri were in the same 5th grade class together. that was a hoot! seems like jason and jan hit it off. im excited. after dinner, we all decided to hit up mom's apartment for a little after dinner refreshment. i drove bri. jason rode with jan. the two little boys left their cars at Buca. a little fade and a little MTV. good fun. we had a blast. 3am rolled around, and me, bri and jason packed into ADAM and headed back up to mira mesa. coupla hours later, i was knocked out on my couch. how u figger... that now that my room is finally clean, i decide to crash on the couch.
8pm right now. jeanelle is about to stop by so we can chill. had an overall fun day. woke up 11ish. talked up bri for a couple of hours, then we headed up to la jolla for some marble slab. coffee and peppermint ice cream with whoppers mixed in. that's some good ice cream. then he took me to some souvenier shop that led to a cave. it was AWESOME! it was a workout to get back UP those stairs, but that was well worth the work. and we saw a coupla pidgeons ganging up on another pidgeon. that was crazy! haha. always a good time watching pidgeons fight. then back up to land and we took a stroll by the ocean. hey! someone actually cleaned up the railings. there was NO bird dookie! so we could actually lean on them. we got down to the cove, and the beach was COVERED in dead squid. they were BIG squid too. hey i saw PELICANS!! "so that's how i got here!" we made our way down to where my seals were, and THEY WERE GONE!!! not one seal on the beach. but the beach was covered with those big squid. we saw the channel 8 news guy doing a broadcast, so tonight we'll just watch to see what happened. hm. i wonder tho. 430 rolled around, and bri had to roll to work. so we went to fashion valley, got some coffee, and he worked. i peaced out after a little window shopping, talked up nemo a bit. and now, jeanelle is on her way to chill.
hm. nice to have someone that takes in the beauty in silence. caught up in their surroundings with nothing but appreciation of the beauty that they're engulfed in. its so gratifying when you're with someone that understands.
ah. damn. i feel like a popular person. my apologies for the this-is-what-i-did-today entry. i just had so much fun the past coupla days that i had to write it all out to remember.

i just really miss hanging out with greeks. aw. I CANT WAIT TIL SCHOOL STARTS!!!

p.s. i think im gonna start on Shopaholic Takes Manhattan. i left Sense and Sensibility with jan. damn. its okay tho. it was a boring part of the book anyway.

there was a segment on today's news on WORLD YOUTH DAY in toronto. i wish i was there. not just cuz Mark is there. but because i would love to hang out with other youth with the same beliefs. and i want to see the pope. eh. oh well. maybe next time. i have yet to be confirmed. damnit. i lag. OOH! i just popped by mark's page. he was in a cyber cafe. wow. and here i thought he was actually joking when he said he would go searching for one. haha. funny shit.

oh shit. ive been on ONE BAR of battery for a couple of hours now. maybe i should charge my phone. poor thing. its been overworked lately.

wow. i have a lot of books.


July 23, 2002
bossmanMark once said, "if you dont get along with Maria, then you have some SERIOUS problems. because Maria gets along with everyone." i find that amusing. please leave comments.

hmm. every moment that i havent been at work has been spent on the phone with Bri. EVERY moment. yes. even right now. while im typing. and he's making fun of me. for typing. "you know how some peoples' ears ring? my ears make some weird typing sound." shut up bri. but hey... at least im killing minutes. he calls me from work. i call him from work. today he visited for a while. a long while. man. pooh bear has got some SERIOUS competition.

i have to go clean my room now. cuz jan might sleep over tomorrow night. and she's a neat freak.
haha. how u figger that Bri just texted me (yeah. while im talking to him) to clean my room. i didnt even remind him. shit. this guy....


July 22, 2002
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAN!!! can you guys PLEASE do me a BIG favor and SIGN her guestbook and let her know how special she is. CUZ SHE IS!!!

Mark is gone for a week. hmm. i miss him already. but what can i do. work work work. as usual. talk to bri. as usual. and ... that's basically it. aside from dinner w/ the sisters on wednesday, the only thing missing are my mark times. =T oh well. its only a week.


7.21.02.bleh.
i used to be a person that would yield to everyone around me. a little too considerate of everyone's feelings. a little too forgiving. a little too nice. and i still am. but ive matured. seen the bitter sides of life. been taken advantage of one too many times, and i decided that maybe... it was time to edit my outlook on life. i've taken baby steps to get where i am. and then a person comes around... and i do a complete 180 and become the unselfish, yielding little girl that i was brought up to be. go figger. i live in a traditional filipino family. its hard to be an individual when your parents work so hard to mold you into their ideal child. hah. sorry mom. sorry pa. im a horrible child.
so now i dont let people step all over me. well sometimes i let them. but at least im conscious of it. at least now i have a breakpoint. i can only take so much shit from people.

but it sucks to see that trait in people. to see someone i care about let people step all over them. i guess i understand where they're coming from. but still. i dont like that they try so hard to make other people happpy, when they should make the effort to make themselves happpy.

yeah yeah. i know it sounds greedy. but ive been in that position. and ive learned from it. ive learned how to deal with it.

tourists suck. if they didnt make our little city rich, id shoot them all.

July 21, 2002
i need to live in La Jolla. great shopping. close to everything. seals. MoCA. and the cove. i could just sit there on a rock forever. clear my mind. sit there and watch the waves change. in awe of the ocean. and watch the sun disappear into the horizon. yesterday, it was raining sunlight. it was BEAUTIFUL. i love it there.
and yesterday, that's what i did. headed over to LaJolla w/ boyfriend, (okay. new people. take notes people) jessica, angie, and garrett. i felt pretty bad tho... cuz i was so caught up in the beauty of my surroundings that i didnt really get to do much bonding w/ the new people. but yesterday... if i coulda cleared the area of all the tourists... MAN. i love the ocean.
okay ill stop. i sound like a tree-hugging hippie. (man. i hugged a tree too. cuz it was knocked over. and i felt bad for it. cuz it was in pain. shut up)

hahahah! jan! your last entry cracks me up! not that you're depressed. the fact that your mind works like a LIBRA!! haha! cuz you know... i act like a cancer. i guess that's why we're twins! =) early happy birthday esty!

DAMNIT!!! starting in august, i have to start taking over my car payments. that's an extra $300 out of my pocket per month. fuck me. im not adult enough for this yet! im currently paying for:: Gas & Electric, Phone (landline), & Water. so basically, i pay for the utilities for getting off scotfree from rent. then i have my cel bill, 4 visas, a student loan, my clearcard, Mobil card, and express card. add a car payment. holy crap. goodbye shopping. guess ill be a few seasons behind this year. oh well. fuck it.

brian from OC is FUNNY! look! another brian!
brian started a thread called "Game: If You suddenly woke up, and You were the Person Below..."
i posted::
id screw a hot girl to see how it is to think with a brain below the belt.
or spend all his money on me (the real me)
or sit in front of the mirror flexing all day.
hi brian.
then HE posted above me w/ the following::
HEY wassup..
hahahaah If I was you for One day, I would go Kiss ANother Girl to Feel How it feels to be a Lesbian.. hahahha oh wait i am a Lesbian...
Then I would Go Drive your CAR ALL AROUND.. .. and then Used your $$$$ Spend it ALL On Men's clothing.. ANd Then I Would Go To My BODY. and SEe What's the point of view about me from a GIrl...
I Hope Your Man don't Kiss me If I was your For One day, That would not be GOOD>.. hahahahahaha I'll be Like.. Hey.. Im NOt... no NO nO.. no Kiss.. STOp... Noo I am BRian From OC!!!! and hell be Like... Aww playing hard to get eh.. ohh come HERe.. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA THAT WOULD BE NOT KOO!!

shall i pursue conversation? could be fun! he had to do a little digging a reading in order to figger out that i have a boyfriend and a phat ride. so he cant be all bad. but the inverted caps are kinda scaring me.


7.20.02.OKAY.OKAY!.ill.get.ready.for.mass.now.
but first... check it out!!! it's EMILIO and BRIAN! haha. at Pure a few weeks ago. haha. bri closed his eyes cuz it was wunna those digicams that flash a million times before taking the pic. and looks like emil put on a few pounds. see what having a GF does to you? (whoa. okay. dilemma just started playing. this is freaky)


7.20.02.daytime.already?
Bri isnt as funny of a drunk as i thought he would be. but only cuz he was holding back. but he was STILL funny!

so hey. i have DILEMMA on my phone. woop woop. paid a buck fifty. and its not very impressive. but i dont care. i HAVE it. i wanted it. so i got it. hah. story of my life.

some guy on findapix is hatin on me cuz i wouldnt make him a booty call. okay. so in the forums, there are threads that go on forever. i posted in the "would you make the person below you a booty call?" forum. i got this guy below me. and i put a big fat HELL NO.... but in my own funny little way. so he got all pissy. i got props for my comment, but i guess he took it to heart. you know... cuz ugly, insecure people always take it to heart when you call them them ugly. so he's tryin to phaze me. tryin to bring my rating down. and he takes every opportunity he can get to bash me. what a loser. this guy obviously doesnt know who he's dealing with. he thinks that im some insecure fuck that needs the adoration of complete strangers as a source of confidence. OH PUH-LEEZE. its funny tho. funny cuz he's putting forth so much effort in hopes of bringing me down and scaring me away from the forums. and all he's coming across as is some bitter little fuck that has nothing better to do than hate on a stranger who told the truth. (sucka. im NOT gonna feed your ego and tell you you're hot if you're NOT. if you're ugly, deal with it. i have.) its like wunna the forum buddies said:: "arguing online is like running in the special olympics.... even if you win, YOU'RE STILL RETARDED." i know its harsh. but this fuckface IS retarded. and that's why i dont fight back. *wink wink* MAN. i love having a hater. specially a stupid one.

aw. im not sexy anymore. how depressing. (but ive been depressed since my junior year. bleh. what a hef)

Love erases the feelings of superiority and inferiority that often color other social interactions. Everyone here is equal and deserving. Unlikely partners have a lot to teach each other. Finally, those amazing tales of true romance aren't just anecdotes that happen to someone else. If you behave with honor, you can act without guilt. Unlikely partners have a lot to teach each other. Finally, those amazing tales of true romance aren't just anecdotes that happen to someone else. If you behave with honor, you can act without guilt.

i like how you call me on your break. and i like how i call you on mine. i like that we rack up the minutes. talking about anything, everything, and nothing at all.

July 20, 2002
a little something from the Mos Diggable Will Santos. a piece of advice that i cut and paste from December 2000. that i think is relevant right now.
The Guy "Friend" who always seems to be there to talk to her on the phone late at night when she needs someone to talk to. The Guy "Friend" who picks her up when she needs a ride to the store. The Guy "Friend" who gives your girl gift after gift after gift on every single occasion. Your girl sees him as the male platonic friend. But your eyes are open wider and you see this "friend's" true motives. He's plotting and planning ... planning and plotting for the moment when he can make his move on your girl. The fact that your girl is the most faithful woman in the world is irrelevant. She'll be faithful to you, there's no question in that. It's not about her and him. It's about you and him. It's all about what that guy is thinking. Therein lies the secret to slaying the Jealousy Beast.
When you're jealous, do not take out your frustrations on your girlfriend ... nay, do not do that ... because that's all a part of the Guy "Friend's" plans. He wants you to fight with your girl. Do not play into his hands. He wants internal strife. It's called "Divide and Conquer" and that's the greatest weapon in the "friend's" arsenal. Do not fall for his tricks! You must learn how to deflect the negative energy the Guy "Friend" douses on you. Instead, you must reassure yourself. Reassure yourself that your girlfriend loves you and only you. This will temporarily hold off the Jealousy Beast ... but not for long! Next, quickly, you must put your mind into the Guy "Friend's" mind. Know your enemy. Think like your enemy. Then you must pity your enemy. You must ask yourself, "What kind of man has to make moves on a woman who has a boyfriend?" The answer is simple: a pitiful, desperate, lonely man who has no life and must scavenge from the charity of friendship that your girl gives him. You must pity him. You must pity him just like the homeless people holding up "Will Work For Food" signs on the sides of the freeway. You must pity him like a lepper in the street. You must pity him because men like him are the bottomfeeders of the Dating World. That is how you slay the Jealousy Beast.

issues? yes i do have some.

coulda gone out with Brian and Emil tonight. (yes erik, OUR Emil!) BUT. decided against it. missed my chance for a ride up there (it was all the way up in Carmel Mtn). didnt wanna drive home intoxicated. i dont trust myself enough to. and knowing me, i cant sober up before 5am. talking to Bri right now tho. HEE HEE HEE!!! can i just TELL YOU.... oh man. this guy cracks me up. when i hit drinking age, we're gonna take turns treating at DnB. my dime decides who pays. heads he pays (cuz he's bald), tails i pay. YEAAAHHHHHH!!!! (oh yeah. p.s. erik, we HAVE to call up emil when you come down again. he sounded kinda pissy when i told him we hung out last night) oh. and i guess Bri is gonna keep his UNOPENED bottle of 151 (that he got on his birthday LAST YEAR) in his trunk. cuz i promised that next time i see him, we have to take a shot of it together. he's making plans to visit me at work soon. aw. fuck me.

see the relevance now?


July 19, 2002
all in all... a very interesting day.
work as usual.... until my Loss Prevention audit. an audit that ive been fearing for the past few weeks. and yah know what??? I GOT A 98!!! thats right. out of 100! yeaaaahhhh sucka! so after all that shit was out of my system, i was good to go. until my manager told me he wouldnt be in for another hour. so YEY. 9 hours of work with no break. i was STARVING. so 530ish came around and i was READY to go GRUB. picked up jeanelle (whom i havent seen in over a year). ate at ISLANDS. and headed to horton to pick up my check. picked up a coupla shirts too. so now im home. boring you with my mundane little life. oh well. you know you love it.

i like cheese. but it doesnt agree with me much.

im off tomorrow. but everyone is busy. SHIT. what a waste. this is the first saturday ive had off in MONTHS.

in a text message dated 7.18.02 at 11:31pm from +185872235** message sent:: "life's a prison when you're in love alone."
weezer. keep fishing. (oh yeah. i bought a weezer shirt today)

hey. whaddya know... gerard's emi's bday is the same as pooh bear's. WOW! haha. and there i go thinking the parallel was over.


7.17.02.finally.met.erik
so after dindin w/ boyfriend's family, i went home to email best friend. it being his birthday and all and he doesnt visit this page. so after i did my emailin, i got bored. cuz i did my entry at boyfriend's pad. so i signed on to AIM. and the FIRST im i get is from erik. message says:: "PICK ME UP NOW!!!" so i say. okay. and he gives me directions to his pad. i hop in ADAM and zoom to paradise hills.
we got boba at green tea. which was POPPIN by the way. cyrus was there. so was nellie. so was jazel. then we stopped by lolitas in clairemont, got a peekaboo at tea station. which was packed. but lolitas was closed. so we head all the way down south. and... as always... lolitas was poppin too. go figger. maybe we're just popular and everyone is followin us around. but at lolitas there was this dood there... wunna the guys that are always at drink ups at dale's. or whenever we're drinkin/smokin with dale. but yeah. we talked about random stuff. hahah. and it wasnt even awkward. you know how when you meet someone for the first time... or talk to them for the first time in person... specially when you met online... its all awkward and weird at first? IT WASNT LIKE THAT! which is totally awesome. YEYEYEY! next time, we include EMILIO. if we can pull him away from his girlfriend.
ERIK. you're cool. haha. seeee... you shoulda started callin me a long time ago. maybe if you came with emil that one day, the exbf wouldnt have come and emil would still hang out with me. damnit. seee??? im not a stalker. and even if im talking to you on aim right now... im still gonna post this! cuz you know... it makes it more difficult. cuz simplicity is overrated. it's under the poll. poll be carepoll. FOB. but yeah. call me up when you're back down. FO SHO!

yeah. today was GREAT. did i tell yah? i got mucho visitors at work today? and after work, boyfriend was chillin waitin for me in the food court? WOW! that's a first. dunno. overall... very good day. very social. hee. cuz im popular! haha. NOT. i just know a lot of random people. but none to really call friends. well... SOME. but not many. how sad.

yeah. i sound like a popular-person-blog. i know i know. i have sinned. so what. screw you. i get to have my breezy moments dont i? hello BABE! GAG

yes. so today was me n erik's first hanging out. YEY! landmark. i need to search through my archives and find the time when i hollered through the mcdonalds drive thru window. and that one time when i saw him driving down bonita. shit. i do sound like a stalker. and the first time we ever talked on the phone was like a month ago right?

before i forget... erik tells me that he gets a lot of traffic from my site. so that means you guys are clicking there. jeff tells me the same. you guys SUCK. and you cant even take the time to sign my guestbook? sheesh. and you call yourself a reader. man. i coulda gotten a FAT stack of dimes from erik. but nooooo. you had to shut up and not say anything. damnit.

had my venti chocolate brownie frap w/ extra shot today. made me feel AWESOME BLOSSOM. a little too much caffeine. but its okay. the milk balances it out. and im getting sleepy. just in time to sleep before my AM shift tomorrow morning. tomorrow is gonna be a busy day. i can feel it. SO IM SO EXCITED! WOOOOOOO!!!!

July 17, 2002
HAPPY BIRTHDAY BEST FRIEND!!!! yeah. the POOH BEAR is 23 today. you old fart. i have to take him shopping when he gets back on August 2nd. which also happens to be test tube twin's 21st birthday. well well. imma be broke status next month. damnit. oh well. as long as i get my shoes. and my threads. and my swingers. and more shoes. then im good. fuck me. no. actually, just shoot me now. argh. "stop spending mar." yeow well. debt can wait. im coming of age damnit!
im at the boyfriend's right now. so im kind of in breezy mode. once again... yeow well.

saw jeanelle today. we're gonna hang out on friday. hmmm. we'll see. i've been hankering to go to PB lately. hit up buffalo exchange and the river. and the sketcher store. and the pacific eyes. and trader joes. and that one place where me and jan ate dinner once across the street from mcdonalds. damnit. i REALLY need to hit up PB. like really. no really. really! (haha! get it jan?)

YEAAAHHHHH!!!!!! jan is coming on WEDNESDAY!!! woop woop! heee. im excited. WOOOOOOOO!

in a text message dated 7.16.02 at 1:56am from +185872235**:::: ok ok last text 4 the nite, dang u knocked out quick. jus wanted to... nevmind go 2 sleep u need it
everyone wants me to sleep. i guess i really do look UNHEALTHY. yeow well. im on my rag. so fuck it. (p.s. my rag is gonna be my excuse for EVERYTHING this week. YEY!)


July 16, 2002
first of all... HAPPY 2 MONTH LOVE. you know what i have to say. i need not say it online. better to leave things between us anyhow.

what a great feeling. to know how much you mean to a person. and when they show you. or tell you. its like nothing else in this world matters. when you're LOVED... i mean REALLY LOVED. its like everything that's ever gone wrong in your life has all been worthit because you're loved by someone. and the fact that they care enough to let you know. its and indescribable feeling. its like "WOW! i cant believe that someone could feel so strongly about me." and you're just in this euphoric state of mind. untouchable. its wonderful i tell yah! so thank you. for making me feel this way. you know who you are.


7.15.02.happy.thoughts.
these give me HAPPY THOUGHTS.

7.15.02.turbo.mode.
turbos used to be banned in V8 engines at the strip for being "too efficient". anyone know if that law has changed yet? or was it a load of shit that i was fed?

a little something i picked up from lilu kim and iistix. as always, put into words only scrambled in my head.
Should I be subtle in my hints that I still care for him or to beat him over the head with affection? Either way I'm screwed and my pride has been trampled upon and I'll end up acting like the blithering psychotic obsessive-compulsive idiot with no life that I've become.

July 15, 2002
damnit. i KNOW i have a copy of Catch 22 somewhere. i remember buying it. i remember reading it. then... fuck. where the hell did it GO?! there was a passage that i wanted to quote. ugh. but yeah right i'd remember what page or even what chapter it was in. BLEH. oh well. screw it. ill just get a new copy. DAMNIT! i wanted to re-read that bitch too.

OOH! just finished reading RJ. and he had something very interesting (also very relevant) to say:: "Friends do that, they let their gaurd down for you."

esty, PLEASE dont tell me you resigned from USFC. ill call you tomorrow. we need to talk. but you never have service! =(

ACK! i desperately wanna post in my blogspot, but those 5 posts were all in the time span of an hour and a half from last night. so if i add another post, then it would bump one. and readers would miss a post. FACK. i hate restrictions. bla bla bla bla bla.

i really need to start running. my heifer ass is getting too big. i know its getting really bad when i can just barely fit into my fat-girl jeans. UGH! what an oinker!

im down to a 6.08 out of 506 votes on FAP. shit. so either its time to change the picture, or start making new friends that are FAP feens. hmm. ooh the choices! hrrmmm... funny that my rating suddenly took a dive as soon as the only 2 comments that i share are from the boyfriend. one of them being "mine mine mine mine mine MINE! BANG! 10+!" hmm. maybe the male FAP audience doesnt take it too lightly. OH WELL! screw it. at least i can say im average hotness.

and today's horoscope says::: Amuse yourself while waiting. Make educated guesses about someone by the book they're reading, the contents of their home or the place that they've chosen to meet you. When it's time to start talking, see whether you're right.
and TOMORROW'S::: LIBRA: You feel a little lightheaded. People in love are worthless for anything else. Sit down and breathe deeply. You need to be more in control than this.
PISCES: A touch of variety would make your day. To date new people, you need to find a fresh source. Accept invites to parties and industry mixers. While looking for attractive expressions and gestures, listen to the words that go with them. hmm. wonder what that's about.
and an interesting line from Pooh's:: Longtime couples break out of a dull routine to rekindle their original passion.
so in a nutshell, i need to have more control. he needs some variety. and bri is "wildly smitten." food for thought.

2 days. and no service.


July 14, 2002
when i get into hiphop mode....
then when i get into alternative mode...

total text messages today:15. total phone calls:4. people they were ALL from:1. what happened?


July 13, 2002
no more smirnoff for mar. BRING ON THE VODKA! i shoulda stuck with my first instict n stuck to it. cuz that shit is just good. good for the fade. good for the tongue. bad for the liver. but im just not caring at this point in life.

so JEFF!!! wow. i wish i could remember anything from last night, but i dont. how u figger? the ONE time i shoulda remembered for you, and i dont remember JACK SHIT. fuck that. that's a first. damnit. sorry. all i remember is that you kept calling us all by our full names, followed by each of our birthdays and the exact day that we would all turn 21. sucka. and i remember that we hugged. A LOT. but yes. i looked through my SIM card today, and loe and behold... there was a new entry:: "HALO HALO" so yes ill keep in touch. i think ill text you someday. you are a cool friend. you are a FUNNY drunk. and you owe me a blow job. YEAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! okay. but my apologies for not remembering shit. i usually remember the details when im drunk. next time we drink up... ill remember. but there are a GRIP of pictures. so you'll remember. but im weaksauce remember? so be gentle.

im jealous of boyfriend. cuz he has a hater. and he has the best kind of hater! the kind that knows jack shit about him and lacks the pizzazz and eloquence of a hater that could do some serious damage. bleh. i miss that shit. yeow well. whutevers. my mundane little existence isnt enough to stir the hearts of those around me. aw. that sucks.

got home at 5ish (according to brian). woke up at 730ish. couldnt sleep. took a third of a red bull. and skipped my happy ass to work. no hangover. actually, i felt GREAT! and i have no idea why. what happened? maybe my lack of memories subdued my hangover. so in that case... bring on the hangovers please.


July 11, 2002
i think brian's shoe addiction is rubbing off on me. fuck me. im spending too much again. no more cruising the mall for mar.

well at least i finally got my lazy ass to work and did something productive on my day off. fixed up my juniors department at the store. picked up jan and big bro's sweaters. (geez. took a MONTH for me to get around to picking those up) picked up a class schedule at school. picked up a couple of books. satisfied my subway craving. read a few chapters of sense and sensibility. called up my kuya to catch up. helped brian pick out a frame. yada yada yada. all that and i got home at 2pm just in time to take a nap! woopee!

hey JEFF... early HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! im probably not gonna make it home on time to blog tomorrow to tell you... so HAPPY BIRTHDAY! be legal. have fun. and have a hell of a time tomorrow night. is it safe to assume that you'll be FUCKED by the time i get there?
hey ESTY!! one more week! woopeeee! im excited! haha. wait. is it one week or two? hm. in any case... shall we get to planning or fly by the seat of our pants like normal? cuz you know... planning has never really gotten us anywhere anyway right? and planning usually ends with disappointment. bleh. okay. no planning. we'll just see what happens. =) YEY!

blogger working yet? i havent been able to publish in days. makin me crazy i tell ya.


July 10, 2002
used up 4,000 minutes this month. err... last month. guess how many of those were my PEAK minutes. aka the ones i actuallly PAY for... i used 48 minutes. forty-fucking-eight. out of 300. damnit. i need to get more use out of my phone. bleh. oh well. whatever.

IN OTHER NEWS:: pacific eyes and tees is filing for chapter 11 bankruptcy. which means... i dont know. guess we'll see right? haha. for now... bleh. ill hang in there. cant wait for the offers to start rolling in tho. YIPEEE!!!! oh yeah. and i get PAID a week early! woop woop! but no more spending. bleh.
(STORY TIME!) okay.. so today it was pretty muggy. i was in a tank top and capris and cold like raw fish on ice. so i skippidydoodah my way to the abercrombie downstairs to find a sweater. brian helped me pick one out... but it took like half an hour. and remembering that boyfriend plucked a 15% off coupon from the A&F quarterly, i decided to purchase one. i figgered that $6 is worthit for that damn coupon. plus i have reading/flipping material. so when i go to pay, the girl goes "you're over 18 right? you have to be to buy the magazine" i was like.. YEAH. dur. and thought nothing of it. til i got back to work... and thought about it... and realized... "shit. did i just buy PORN?" so me and jason rip the thing open, and loe and behold, the first page has a picture of a ripe young girl. topless. the continuing pages followed with the same theme of nudity. boys n girls. straight and gay alike. WOW. i bought porn. and from abercrombie of all places. THATS GREAT!

i have gas. cuz i didnt eat all day. then i ate a GRIP of taco bell. bleh.

brian is predicting my rag to come on the 22nd of this month. hm. we'll see. ill let u know if he's right. (i know you dont wanna know... but oh well)
AIM BOMBS! AIM BOMBS! AIM BOMBS! okay. the one night i decide to sign on to aim (cuz boyfriend signed on too) i get BOMBED. what the fuck?! where the hell were you guys when i WANTED someone to talk to?


July 9, 2002
first, let me apologize for letting my .com expire. NO ENDS. im a poor college student with a shopping addiction. go figure. kept putting off renewing my domain until they finally shut me down. oh well. just remind me at this time next year. you know... just cuz.

i got my glasses today. thick, black, square frames. you know... the super trendy ones. and know what else? they're ARMANI! geez. how much of a fucking sellout am i? haha. its okay. i can do it cuz i actually am a dork. see... if i was a trendy bitch that got those frames purely for cosmetic purposes, then you can start cappin. but i think i have a sufficient GPA, read a good amount of books and stumble over my own feet enough times to pull off the glasses. 'sides... my prescription is -5.25 already. making my visibility equal to that of a newborn puppy. aka ZILCH.
and can i just tell you? that those motherfuckers cost me $300. i was about to ask my parents to help me out and pay for them... buuuut... i dont think so. i got up to the point of telling them the price. they asked if i wanted them to pay for it. and i replied with a "no, its cool mom. i got it. i just got paid on friday." FUCK ME. my financial situation SUCKS right now. but i have too much pride to let my parents help me out. cuz i know that if i let them buy me ANYTHING (except food for me n the bros), i know that it would be their cue to help me with everything. that means i go in even higher security lockdown. i dont have enough independence as it is. fuck that if they're gonna try to jack me for the time that i get out of the house. i would rather stay in debt than stay in the house. bleh.

sorry. i had a MUCH longer entry a while ago. but my computer just quit on me and i lost it all. yeow well. less for you to read right?


7.7.02.ah.yes.
im finally awake enough to actually write something. lately, life has been flashing by in a blur. i guess im getting what i wished for... but in most cases, when i get what i wish for, it's a disappointment. but im finally falling into BREEZYMODE. drinking up. staying out late. hangin with the popular crowd. being loud and obnoxious. but who cares right? im having my fun. so fuck it. when i drive, im in a trance. i let my car take me wherever it may. i trust in adam, and he trusts in me. ugh. what the fuck?!? damn. what a breezy.

the other night i was chillin on dale's lawn with boyfriend's bruthas while he was babysitting. so the chair to my right was empty. some dude comes up next to us n asks "ey, is it cool if i take this chair?" ant answers with: "nah. go for it." stranger goes: "MARIA?!?" i reply: "who the FUCK are you?" hey, it was dark. i didnt recognize him as one of my immediate friends/acquaintances/cadets. he replies: "its JOE" i reply: "joe WHO?" he replies: "joseph" OHHHH SHIT!!! its the original boyfriend. haha. mr. number ONE. how you figger that? so we had our respected hugs. n chilled. surprise, surprise, he was the one asking questions. a thang that hardly happened in the past. it was cool. and im glad i was sober to experience it.
haha. okay.. you know what the dead give away that someone had regrets about losing you is?::: whenever you see them, the first thing you tell them is that you have a new gf/bf. heehee. i love psychology. but anyhow, night 2 of dale's house party was kinda weaksauce. the bros left as soon as i got there... again. suckas. must see marco before he goes back to illinois.

tonight's announcement:: FUCK BEING BREEZY. yeah yeah. contradiction to what i said a couple of lines up. but... ive had some time to think. hear that? THINK! it used to appeal to me. no worries. and i have an excuse to blow all my money. have an excuse to always be fucked up. always have an excuse to ditch class. have an excuse to have a poor GPA. have an excuse to fuck every guy i see. always have a party to go to. never have to pay for my own drinks. and gives me an excuse to dress like a corner whore.
but... even living that life partially... i dont want it. i think i can hang if i just lose myself in breezyness every once in a while... but no thanks on always. (make sense?) partying isnt all that its cracked up to be. that's not what i want.

July 7, 2002
crap. i need to really reflect about everything thats been going on. being breezy is hard work. thats all i gotta say right now. it will all come to me again later.


July 5, 2002
NEVER AGAIN. drank a little too much. smoked a little too much. came home at 5am. woke up at 630am. and woke up with a mean hangover. not the best idea to sneak outta my pad at 1130pm. at least i got to chills with the bros a little. got to chills with the boyfriend. got to chills with the popular crowd in high school. and people from state. even got to see second favorite pledge bro allan. good practice at being breezy. high price to pay, but oh well. now i know what having a hangover feels like.
bri was urging me to yak this morning. homie stayed up all night to make sure i got home safely. lulled me to sleep so that i could get some rest before work. made sure i woke up on time to drive the little bro. and made sure i made my runs through downtown safely. periodically checked up on me at work to make sure i was feeling better. (even if it was WAY too busy to really answer him, it was a very nice gesture). but i never got my red bull. damnit. j/k. he's a great bestfriend fill in. pooh bear's got competition when he comes back.

fuck. BUSH was at warped tour too. DAMNIT BRI!

oh. by the way. it was dale's drink up last night. there's another one being held tonight. tomorrow night is my ading's. i think. and sunday... FO SHO! drink up with the high school homies. when did i turn into such a fucking alkie? oh well. i think last night was the first time that edward called me his sister. he was a little too competetive in high school to call us his sisters... but now what sucka! maybe he was just being nice because i let him use the bathroom before me... even if i kicked his ass in the race up the stairs. brother was too drunk and too red. frantically trying to grab me and throw me down the stairs was just not gonna work. i was sober-er than he was. haha. SUCKA. caught up with a couple of people from WAY back in the ROTC days.... in a drunken state ofcourse. met a few cool people. hogged the hookah... BOTH. i had two tubes stuck in my mouth. tryin to keep the coals alive. its almost 10pm. maybe i WILL drop by dale's. even if i said i wouldnt. but i only said that cuz i was fucked up all day. but i feel much better after that nice little nap.
i should go take a shower. i dont feel too fresh. ew. gross.


July 4, 2002
yeah, well to me, its just another holiday. was never much for big occasions. i think ill sit this one out. again.

talked to bestfriend for a little over an hour yesterday. had nothing better to do, so i finally used up some minutes. YEY! im finally getting my moneys worth.

OOH! yey. transitioning suprisingly hasnt been all that bad. going into BREEZYMODE. whoopdeefuckingDOO! so i expect that i will be losing a majority of you? the DRAMAQUEEN inside has been tied up, gagged, and thrown into the lion's dungeon. but she's a drama queen... so let's just wait and see what happens to her. the DORK inside slips in and out. slips out during the night and tries to read her little book next to my head. still making pointless conversation with certain someones that also involve DRAMAQUEEN. well. okay. the SLOB is still out and about. judging by the look of my room, the SLOB is one beast i will have a very difficult time defeating. thinking of turning the upper part of my closet into a jeanwall. sorry aminals.... but your haven is now the closet under the stairs (aka the batcave).
im gonna stray for a moment and tell you a story about the closet under the stairs. aka the BATCAVE. when my family first moved into this house, all of my brothers and i (with the exception of the "mature" oldest one) were really into BATMAN. the little ones would run around in their black batman pajama suits and i would pretend to be the bad guy. or an alias. it really depended on the day. and what scenario we were playing. well batman and robin needed a hideout, and what could be more perfect than the closet under the stairs! it was dark. small. and dimly lit. and the perfect place to hide. it was the BATCAVE!!! my mom used to laugh at us. whenever something upset one of us, we would go hide in the batcave. and so the name kinda stuck. im 20. my younger brother is starting high school. the youngest is halfway through middle school. and all of us still refer to that little closet as the batcave. "hey where did you put the vacuum?" "oh. i put it in the batcave." we say it like that's the actual name for it. sometimes i hear it, and i laugh to myself. THE BATCAVE. we're all grown folks here.
okay. end of story. shall i go back to what i was saying? and does it really matter? hardly. HEE! being in breezymode is fun. i could just blank out at any moment and still play it off well.

know what i love? those irritating little pop ups that ask you stupid questions that bother you while you're tryin to surf. the one that just popped up asked "what was james bond's number?" and had a list of numbers. but my favorite has to be "is there PORN on your computer?" funny shit.
how much do you wanna bet that the next time i check my sitemeter, the most common search that will pop up will be "porn on your computer." its inevitable. i should just start writing random shit. [[[[[boomba. kantut. blow blow blow! job job job!]]]]] fuck me. im retarded.

erik, you are SUCH a fucking pothead.
what happened to will? he's gone again. FUCK.
bri went to warped tour. =( in his words:: "i wanted to bring you, but i didnt know you were into that kinda music." fuckface. at least im getting a shirt.
i havent been catching up with my blogs. part of me wants to just STOP already. erase my link bar (cuz without it id be completely LOST) and be done with blogging altogether. my registration renewal for 52govroom.com came in the mail the other day. debating on how long, if at all, i will keep my site up. give me some motivation folks. otherwise, im history. yes, that DOES include blogspot.
insomnia has really been starting to kick my ass. the bags are finally starting to really fill up. my dark ass face can no longer hide that shit.
i dont like aim. its just another excuse for people to BOTHER ME. but i sign on at times. and leave up an away message. what the fuck. but training for TABness heeds that i must be social. i must be popular. i must attend every event that has been promoted via flyers in the mall and at the drycleaners. ah me. what has my world come to?! BLEH. not so sure i can pull this off. maybe if i think of it as a challenge....
BAH! what am i saying? its only difficult for me because im having a hard time letting go. fuck that. SCREW YOU WORLD.

got myself some new etnies yesterday. these shoes... they're just hotness. well... i like them. fuck you if you dont.


July 2, 2002
man. its july ALREADY. damnit. and what have i accomplished so far? i have managed to completely FUCK UP my GPA. managed to screw up my bills. managed to increase my wardrobe. not a very productive year for me so far. but still have 6 months to change all that.

Amy has turned out to be a rosalie in disguise.... that hurts. says so much in so little. but i guess that's why it was written. encrypted, but not well enough.


July 1, 2002
had an earlymorning/latenight Dennys snack last night w/ brian. spur of the moment kinda thang brought on by a loud tummy and a responsive dime. all in all, it was a good night. marbri conversations are never dull. (like brasso, but better!) but as you may have already guessed, not very approved by the boyfriend. but thats a whole nother story. right now i just need to take some time out by myself. to reflect on everything thats been going on lately. then have talks with people. must. retain. sanity.

im checking email. geez. I DONT WANT TO CHECK EMAIL ANYMORE. im out of school. this is supposed to be my break from being greek. grr. (shit. you know its bad when i dont wanna be greek.) my inbox is FULL. full of what? grr. im not really sure. i havent opened any of them yet. im thinking i might just delete them all. but wouldnt want to be out of the loop. kind of do. but i know better. i know that if i delete those emails, one of them is gonna have some vital piece of information thats gonna keep me out of the loop when school kicks back in.

man. right now... i just want school to start again. so that i have NO TIME again. so that i always have a good reason not to be somewhere. sorry, i have to study. sorry, i have a SISTER thang tonight. sorry, i have class. sorry, i have work. so that i have NO time. and it will all be legit.