07.24.03.did.yah.ever.get.the.feeling...
i felt like being intrusive. so i decided to peek into the lives of others for a change. a change from my usual reads (which have become virtually NON) and decided to explore a bit much. i felt like the scientist who split the atom. so convinced of one "truth" and failed to see the real. i hit one button and ALL THIS SHIT just came out. this whole new world that i didn't even have a clue existed. well... i had a CLUE... i just never followed up on it.
did yah ever feel like you really belonged somewhere? and that this magical place was somewhere where you could always return and still have that same fuzzy feeling. kinda like your favorite bar. or your bedroom. but with sober people and not stuffed animals (and i mean that in both cases). and then you pull away for a bit just to see it from a different perspective... and you see something completely different. you probably WERE a part of it. but whenever you decide to return, you realize that you're not gonna have that fuzzy feeling again. because you've been detached for so long... and too much has happened... that this safe haven of yours... is just another cold building to run and hide in.
well anyway... that's a jist of what i'm feeling right now. but i turned away from the microscope before this harsh realization could really do some damage.
did i ever tell you about the 991threesome? me. brian. mike. seems like EVERYWHERE we go, we go together. either as a threesome, or as a twosome (me&bri, bri&mike, mike&me) come and knock on our door.... we'll be waiting for you... we've all gotten into the GROTESQUE habit of matching. there is always a pair MATCHING. don't get me wrong... it's not intentional. but none of our houses are close enough to each other to conveniently change. we all have matching new balance 991s. me&bri have matching flipflops (in two colors). mike&bri have matching running shoes and who knows whatever else. and me&mike have our chucks. we have yet for all three of us to match simultaneously... and i pray that it never happens... but it's just WRONG. ew. we're that creepy set of friends that always seem to have some eerie telepathic connection. *shivers*
so jeanelle.... bri was talking about how we should get you a pair of 991s.
July 24, 2003
dear erik...
i've been on a posting frenzy because i've been trying to teach myself patience. my computer takes FOREVER to boot up. then takes even longer to sign online. and i have dial up. that LAGS. so surfing takes forever and a day. (geez i feel like a flinstone) so i'm trying to train myself to learn to put up with it. and while i wait, to do something else productive, such as laundry or picking up the piles of clothes on my floor. i need to start reprogramming myself and gear up for this upcoming semester. but while i'm online, i try to limit my time, so i only do productive stuff. like research. or posting. i dont want to get too caught up in anything. and i know if i sign onto aim, i'll get stuck in front of my screen for hours on end. you know how it goes. remember all those nights we were online chattin til the break of dawn? as much as i enjoyed that, it's not good if i start that all over again and get as addicted as i was before. but hey... hollaaaaa at me when you're in sd again. i'm trying to be a less clingy girlfriend, so i need people to hang out with again. oh... and i would like your company. =) k. that's all for now.
cheez & nips,
mar
i just got off work. 9-6:30 with a 45 minute lunch break. then i ran errands to get my car fixed. (i've been LAGGING. i was supposed to take care of that stuff last week) i'm doing laundry as i type away. and i need to take a quick shower before i head back up to mira mesa. the 991threesome is off to cause trouble in PB. no. not really. just to people watch and get wasted. then i get to go to work shitfaced at 6am. FUN!
July 23, 2003
today i have exactly one month before brian's 22nd birthday. i'm stumped. last year i spent well over $150. and we weren't even "official." this year has to top that. but holy monkey i'm stupid broke. oy! i've been accruing little things that could be combined to make one big thing... buuut... i still need that one gift that just POPS. the one that says "i love you with all my heart and i hope that this gift shows you that you mean the world to me." i should just pop out a baby or something. but maybe a puppy will do. we'll see.
hey i've been doing a great job keeping up with these posts. maybe my writing will finally get back to what it used to be. hopefully. i have to take the upper division writing exam within the next two months or i'm screwed. the last english class i took was in my freshman year. and i need to do a remarkable job this time around cuz my grades are a little less than impressive. i was skimming through the grad school requirements, and my upper division gpa needs to be above a 2.75 to even be CONSIDERED. i'm pushing it. grrrr.
oh man. i'm gonna be stuck in retail forever.
but before i leave... i have a question... why is it that when you KNOW the lyrics to a song already, but want to find it online because you're too lazy to type out the whole thing.... it's always the hardest fucking thing to find? just frustrating i tell yah. FRUSTRATING.
July 22, 2003
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAN!!! i know we havent talked in almost forever... but i wish you the best today and for the rest of the year. i'll see you soon! love ya sis!
so we didn't end up in venice beach. when i got to brian's house, we couldn't get a truck to drive up. his car is iffy. my car is iffy. we didn't want to take the risk. plus we had no cash for gas. so we ended up sittin around the house until 130 in the afternoon when we decided to get coffee somewhere in del mar. i drove. decided that since we're headed up north anyway, that we might as well go the distance. we stopped by downtown carlsbad for coffee. nice neighborhood. we should visit for a day. hopped in my car and headed for pomona. picked up jeanelle, and the three of us ended up at the long beach roscoe's chicken n waffles. (wow. that one was NICE. not crowded, in a nice neighborhood with real parking. and it was HUGE! and much closer to the other two that we've been to. not to mention easier to find) after we ate, i decided to drive around downtown long beach just to sightsee, and we ended up at the long beach seaport village. imagine san diego seaport village... but in long beach. still nice. the weather was beautiful. and there was a little island that you could take a boat to. with a nice view of downtown long beach. and a serene park across the street. afterwards we went to the block at orange to visit jerry. dropped off jeanelle, and we decided to call it a night. headed back down to san diego... and we were off to dreamland. not bad for a monday.
i like that we can be spontaneous like that. it reminds me of how much i love him. and that nothing in the world matters when we're together.
July 21, 2003
venice beach... here we come!!!
and as a side note.... we've become muses! inspiring young lovers everywhere... (right jeanelle?!) hahaha!
July 20, 2003
i opened my binder this morning to take out my resume, and the smell of the plastic greeted me. made me remember the excitement of the first day of classes. trying to find an empty seat in the overcrowded psychology classes. scrambling for used books in the bookstore. trotting down the halls trying to avoid people i know. it just got me excited, knowing that i will be walking those halls as a senior. one year to finish and i will have my degree in hand, ready to beat down the doors of any decent grad school.
one month of summer left. i feel like i should be livin it up. but i just feel like staying home and watching discovery. OY.
July 19, 2003
i hate my rag. i hate my rag. i hate my rag. i hate my rag. bloating. fatigue. massive blood loss. not to mention the inconvenience and mess of having to excuse myself to use the little girls' room every hour. and the crankiness. the cramps. i should have kept up the pregnancy charade. this shit didnt happen when i pretended to be preggers. i guess it's all in my head. ugh. stupid psychology. in my head i'm trying to rationalize it physiologically and blaming it on the coffee and excessive sodium and caffeine intake... and i go and contradict myself with the whole "mind over matter" thing. ugh. sucks to be a libran psychologist.
anyhow... my coworkers and i had a little shopping expedition after work. i won one battle and lost another. tonya fell in the credit trap after being coerced by little-devil-khris. and lost the battle for a cardigan and halfied on the dior battle. and khris... well... what can i say about khris... she just keeps digging the hole deeper and deeper and deeper and deeper. but that was a damn cute volcom sweater.
but it was nice to shop with girls for once. nice not to be surrounded by asians. very nice change, i think.
July 18, 2003
10am. khris and i just flipped a nickel to see who would go to starbucks first. she wins. grabs her prada bag and heads towards the door. ... seconds later, she runs back... screaming... "OH MY GOD! IT'S 10AM!" i look up... react similarly, and we scramble in our tiny brunette heads to remember the number to ticketmaster (the robmay ticket master doesnt open til noon). 220-TIXS!!! dashboard is headlining in september at the open air theater. the promoters made a mistake and promoted a presale for last night at midnight, but since the site was down all night, ticketmaster would do presales starting at 10am. ticket sales don't actually start til mid-august. then i remembered i have no money for tickets. so i'll be waiting til mid august. UGH. guess i wont be getting pit tickets. =( but it's okay. just a bit frustrating. cuz i tried superhard to get those beck tickets from 91X to see them open. but now they're HEADLINING! and MXPX is gonna OPEN for them. =( bleh. we'll see. oyvey. bad enough we cut outta warped tour early cuz the crowd was super-aggro.
anyway... time to take a nap. got home at 2 from mellow last night n had to wakey wakey early cuz i was scheduled at 7am.
July 17, 2003
happy birthday genaro. i hope you're doing well. i hope you're taking care. i hope that whatever point you are in in your life right now, that you are happy with the decisions that you've made. if ever you need me by your side, never ever hesitate to call. because you are first and foremost a good friend and whatever kind of shit you put me through will never change that. happy birthday, buddy.
i keep trying to convince myself that my entire life has not been a facade. that everything i do now is for my future and to be content with the decisions i make. but in retrospect, i see a lot of mistakes that i've made. granted, that i've learned many lessons, and i've become a better person because of them... but... it's just the fact that i have so many blemishes in my past. i hate the fact that there have been times when i have been so horrible. and nothing i can do can ever change those things. nothing i can say will ever erase it from memory. and i know that i will die, and inevitably everything that i have done in my life will be forgotten or lost... but for the while i still have to live with it all. i wish i could just forget it all and erase the past, but keep the lessons that ive learned. but it's not that easy. because those shadows keep their grasps on me. and i can't shake it. UGH. i dont know. whatever.
all i really want is to get my life in order. but when i go to act on it, i find myself short of the abilities and motivation to do so. i want to get my academic shit straight. but when i was scheduled to wake this morning, i decided not to. i want to get my finances in order... but somehow, alcohol and food seem to always be the priority over paying a bill. my intentions are in order. my plans are okay. but my actions need mending.
i need a dominatrix in my life.
July 16, 2003
i realize i've been out of the loop for some time now. hey. i get lazy. so? but i've FINALLY archived MAY2003 and JUNE2003. yeah. it's july. and in the midst of me completely losing track of time... i've failed to mention a few things.... i know i'm HELLLAAAA late... but here goes...
HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY ERIK! i know i'm like 3 weeks late... err... 18 days late. but at least i didnt forget. ew... errr... wow. um. you're in your MID TWENTIES. but it's okay. at least you finally look 16. HOOORAAAAY for you! hey. i finally got your invitation to join friendster. i'm trying to avoid it... specially after Jin gave shouts to the friendster community at E st the other night. *brrrr* scary. but anyhow... speaking of which... just thought you should know that vivian from surf girls is also on friendster. just gotta look reeeeaaaal hard. cuz wunna my buddies found her n now they're email buddies. =) but anyway.. yeah. and sorry about that preggers bit. but we got bored of the charade n just didnt know how to break it to anyone. =P but if i ever do get preggers... you're still on the "who should be a ninong" list. after all... you were there to help with me & emilio's friendship who hooked up me & bri. um. not that bri is on perma-daddy status. err... shit. k. happy belated birthday anyway. =P
happy belated birthday ADING ANN. i still have no way to call or whuteva. lemme know what's up.
happy belated birthday JEFF GREEN. sorry i was a no show to the birthdaybash. worked late that night and was scheduled at 7am the next morning. life of a working girl. hope all things went well and you were safe. =)
with that said.. i have some school business to finish. ta-ta people. happy july.
((hee! how you like me now?! a pedicure & a post in just 15 minutes... and bright pink. tee hee! i've become such a girl.))
July 15, 2003
sometimes it amazes me how lazy i can be to get up on this stupid thing and start typing away. seems like eternity since i last posted. and when i finally get my lazy ass up off the bed to type, i leave myself short of time to actually post something with content. but oh well. here goes.
THIS is exactly why i need the summer away from school. so i can have time to relax. and the only real thing i have to stress about is getting to work on time. (although at this point, i think i'll be a few minutes late again). i got out of bed earlier than an hour before work today to give myself time to take care of my student loan. so now i'm approved, my hotmail is clear, and i've activated my loan for SY03-04. no problems at the registrar this year. hooray! holy monkey tuition went up again! this year, i will be paying $1,007 per semester. ugh. i remember as a lower division rookie i was only shellin $888 per semester. eep. i know it's still cheap for higher learning.. but still... ugh. shut up. anyway... i have a tendency to ramble. does it show? so yeah. i got all that taken care of. got the test dates taken care of. now all i have to do is REGISTER! hooray!!!
up for this semester... PSY270, PSY321, PSY320, SPAN102, PSY360, and PSY301. totalling... 21 units. HOORAY! which really isn't bad, if you think about it. cuz it's only 6 classes. i took 6 classes last semester and i did fine. i could do it again. cuz if i do the 21 units this semester, that means i only have to take 18 units in the spring. which is only 5 classes. and ill be DONE!!! hooray!
shit. i'm really late for work now.
but by the way... i'm not pregnant. i was just shittin with you.