July 31, 2008
David Choi helps my heart. I don't know if it's his voice-- Chris Carraba used to/ sometimes still does have that same effect on me. But I think it's more of the combination of the mellow and the cracky and the david-cho-ness of his that woos me. "If my heart could write songs they would sound like these." That, and the combo of rat pack/modern/up-beat/emo that I adore and can listen to. Dunno. Just helps me heal a little inside. And helps me realize that I can still send a message without actually going through with it.

I know... I'm such a wuss.

I suppose I should just try to run through the tears. But we all know that the exhaustion will just make me sick and that will just make things worse.

He told me that believing in being happy was a fairy tale. NO! That's not how it works. You try to find happiness and if you stumble across something that stops you from that happiness, then you use all of your strength to crush it. I'm too young to be this distraught. Too young to have my hopes crushed. Too young to not dream. Too young. Period.

I'm so emotionally exhausted. This used to be so easy. I cried, I dumped, I cried, and I was back to the happy person that I will (hopefully) forever be. This time isn't so easy. I was reading up on the divorce process and the timeline is SO FREAKIN LONG. If the marriage doesn't crush your spirit, then the process certainly will.

I think I'll just run away back home. Home where my heart and my spirit is. Where I love to be and where the people that I love are. Where the ocean and the clouds and the breeze and the sun greets me with such warmth and hope and happiness. Where I can be myself and still be everything else. It's not just about the food and the service and the water anymore. It's EVERYTHING.

How you used to be there. You could feel it in the air. How you touched my soul made me so complete. How you opened my eyes and showed me how life could be. I still feel the same since I let you go. It's something that I can't change and it's hard for me to know. Oh I'm such a fool for letting you go. I still feel for you. Those days are gone. They've slipped away. But I still have the memories, I don't need nothing else cuz you gave me a love like nobody can. How you bared your heart to me, don't you understand? [repeat chorus] I still feel you. You haven't left me. I still need you right here with me. I still feel you.


July 30, 2008
There's nothing like being in someone else's home to put things into perspective. We visited a friend today that recently had a premie baby. The baby came out healthy and fine, just a tad underweight, but otherwise no complications. But he's about a month old now and he's still this tiny little guy that has only put on a pound since birth. So he looks very emaciated with his skinny little arms and (powerful) little legs. He looks like a miniature man with a giant head. Not so much like a newborn. I held him and my friend commented how tense I looked holding him. Well... he's this TINY little thing!!! I'm not used to small kids, because all of my relatives' kids were giant, fat babies. It made me realize how unprepared I would be if I were to get preggers anytime soon.

The part that surprised me was that this child was unplanned. The parents broke up, and a short time later, she was pregnant. He was already starting a new relationship, but decided to try to make things work with the mom so that the kid would have a decent chance at a "normal" family. And now I see him and how he's grown up. He's a DADDY! And they've actually become a family unit. Cats and dogs and a mortgage and all.

I thought I had my life together. And seeing this little family, I realized that I still have a long way to go before I'm ready to be in that same place. There are still a lot of kinks to be worked out in my own marriage and in my financial life before I'm ready for all of that. Not to mention my immaturity and lack of motivation to "grow up."

I'll admit that in the past two years that I have made a lot of changes and sacrifices that have finally gotten me on the right track. BUT... I still have a lot of room for improvement. And I definitely still have a lot of the party bug to work out of my system.


July 26, 2008
Currently watching the original animated version of Peter Pan. This has been a recurrent theme with me this weekend. Not necessarily Peter Pan, but just reminiscing and going back to my past. I spent a majority of last night perusing photos and catching up on blogs. *And browsing/shopping a few cosmetic company sites and regressing to a product junkie.

It's quite the good times, let me tell yah.

It did sting a little, tho. The first one was a picture of my baby brother wrapped up in his favorite blanket and sitting in a giant teddy bear's lap. The second was... well they all kind of tumbled out one by one. You can guess which era of my life that was-- i'll give you a clue-- there were several photos at concerts, in LA, on the beach, and out and about.

That era was never a dull moment. I think that's the reason I still hold it so dearly in my heart and someone will have to pry it out of my cold, dead, rigomortic (sp?) fingers before I let that relationship ever die. Looking back kind of makes the whole ending a blur. Not necessarily the actual event, but the events leading up to it.

I remember my 24th birthday, and that I gave myself two very important things that year: my freedom, and my lungs (I quit smoking that very night). I'm still on the fence on those decisions. YAY, I quit smoking, but nay, I also quit a careless time.

I've gotten my life together since then, and without that birthday, I don't think I would have ever escaped the spiral that I was in without making some serious cutbacks and decisions. But things happen for a reason, I suppose. And despite my current feelings on love and life in general, I still believe that all of my decisions up to this point have gotten me to a place where I can really potentially be happy.

Or I can believe that this is just one of the many stepping stones towards that happiness that I've always been striving for. And that because of the situations that have taken place in the past couple of years, that I can truly be honest with myself in deciphering what I want and what I need in my life to be happy.

But enough of that for now. The thinking for now has to be put on the back burner. I think my heart and my head has bled enough for this week.

I'm slowly becoming a product junkie again. (I mentioned this earlier, yes?) Last night I decided to venture out of my little box and try a few "The Body Shop"'s products. I ordered via internet, so my package should arrive within the next week. This is a nice transition from being a Department Store only product girl (with the one exception of Neutrogena's Oil Free Acne Wash, which in the history of facial cleansers is the only one which has been able to successfully wash away the gunk and junk that a junkie like myself piles on. It even outperforms 'Take it away' when it comes to 'Double Wear'). In any case, I have temporarily lifted my ban on less expensive skincare products (my haul last night consisted of 4 items that totalled less than $70! amazing!). Unfortunately, Bath & Body Works has already soured my taste for facial products from a company that doesn't specialize on such (with the exception of Co. Bigelow Menthalip Shines). I prefer a company with a solid research and development background such as the Lauder company (Estee Lauder, Clinique, Prescriptives). The Body Shop is in the L'oreal family, so hopefully that will garner better results than B&BW. The added bonus is that they don't test on animals and are a big supporter of the Fight Against Domestic Violence (Holler AphiG's national cause!).

Sadly, this regression was brought upon watching a Make-up Editor's YouTube post on her daily skincare regimen--- which consisted of a cheap knock off of Cetaphil, a no-name toner, and L'oreal skin regenerist eye, and Olay Daily Moisture. The girl's got acne on her cheekbones and T-zone, which I gather is from the incapable products that she uses on her face--and to be frank, she needs to swith to oil free products. I just really want to tell her that the best pallette to work on is a clean, clear, and fresh one. Without a good skincare regimen, your makeup won't look as fabulous as it possibly could. She needs to re-evaluate her skin (which from what I observed is combination) and taylor her routine to its own needs. Here's what I'm suggesting (and by doing so here, I would not be offending her-- because from the videos I watched, she is clearly more concerned about the colors on her face than what she's doing to her skin):
Clinique take the day off (which she is currently using, yay);
A foaming cleanser with salicylic acid (to slough off the dead skin and promote a clear complexion-- I suggest Neutrogena's Oil Free Acne Wash)
A balancing toner (I suggest Estee Lauder's blue toner- it balances the pH of your skin and rehydrates without stripping. It is also oil and alcohol free, which is a rare find in a toner)
Clinique's Total Turnaround serum-- to smooth skin and promotes healthy skin turnover. It also reduces redness and provides a smooth pallette for your makeup so you can skip the primer.
Clinique's All About Eyes Rich or Estee Lauder's Advanced Night Repair for Eyes-- both reduce puffiness, helps to eliminate undereye circles, doesn't travel when it heats up (e.g. most eye creams won't stay in place, hence the need for an eye make up base. Both of these products double as a base), and when used as a base, it amplifies the pigment of your eyeshadow.
A lightweight, oil-free moisturizer with an SPF of at least 15 and a catch (i.e. fights lines, brightens complexion, neutralizes free radicals, etc). Because she's in her mid-twenties and living in California, I would highly recommend a higher end product with more benefits-- consult your local beauty counter to get a better idea.

But then again- those are just suggestions. Sometimes I really miss being behind the counter. I LOVE LOVE LOVE seeing the new technology and advancements in skincare that we were given a sneak-peak of. And because Lauder was the leader in all that mumbo jumbo, we were always on the cutting edge of it. Jeez. I need a part time position, pronto!


July 25, 2008
Finally recooperated enough to be back to reality. Even if my first day back to work isn't until Sunday morning, I still feel like it's ages away. I've been sick in bed with a fever and sore throat and massive headaches since Sunday evening. Went to see a doctor and he was stumped. So he prescribed some antibiotics (I got to choose which one I wanted to take... which makes no sense to me), and sent me on my way. My partners (love them!) covered the rest of my shifts for the week for me and sent me home to get better. I love that they're totally there for me.

In any case, I'm at about 70%, and hoping and praying that I'll be at 100% by Sunday morning. I've been testing myself the past couple of days by going out and running errands, but after a few minutes of being on my feet, I can't focus and I need to sit back down and regain myself. Not exactly "back to work" ready, would you agree? At least I was able to get a full nights sleep last night without the constant waking and tossing and turning that's been happening the past week. Yeah. Feel bad for Pane. He's had to come home early a couple of times from work to take care of me and take me to Urgent Care. It's kind of been madness.

I love that people actually care, tho. Friends have come out of the woodworks to offer support and care. =) Makes mar happy.

And best news ever?!?!? JAN AND BRYAN GOT ENGAGED!!!!!! How freakin awesome exciting! It's about friggin time! Congratulate these two, because they are an amazing couple.


July 19, 2008
I can't believe it's actually coming to the close of July. Christmas is almost here and I still haven't started my shopping. I'm usually completely done except for 3 people by October. Awesome, right?

So now... now that the year is quickly coming along, and I still have to plan for a few things. Christmas, trips home, September in SF, October in New Orleans, August in SD, POST SEASON!, etc. etc. etc. Pane has thrown Hawaii into the mix, and we still haven't planned the annual trip to Fresno (yay familia!)j

Oh, BTW, still no 'thank you' from the G-man.

Currently, I'm sitting on my behind watching TV, a fresh stack of magazines on the couch, and eagerly awaiting a phone call. A phone call for what, to where, and with whom has yet to be decided. I still can't believe it's taking this long. I should have received an invite at least 2 hours ago, but still bupkus. It's okay. My face isn't done yet and I'm still in my jammies. If I don't get a call, it's not a big deal b/c I'm not ready yet anyway. ..... Doesn't it just sound a little sad, though?

Whatevs. I could probably use a break from the partying. My monthly reminder of not starting a family should be checking in at any time now, and we all know how vulnerable my liver and my brain is when my red blood cell count is low. Cheers to anemia!

Blah--- and cheers to getting old!


July 18, 2008
I sent Genaro a myspace message yesterday. It was his 29th birthday. Still haven't heard back from him. Not even a 'thank you.' Not that I expected a response. The last actual conversation I had with him was eons ago, whilst I was drunk, wandering the streets of downtown San Diego- after a night of hookah at Fumari and shots and drinks next door with Khris and Logan. EONS ago. I remember that he called me that night because he was upset. And I was equally upset. Because here was this person that I adored and loved and wanted to stay in my life because he (at the time) knew me better than anyone in the world. And SHE had changed him. She turned him into a cheater. She manipulated him. She became this wasp that clung to him and became so desperately needy that he could not leave her out of pity. So instead of having to deal with the guilt of this mad-woman harming herself because he chose to leave her, he became a cheater. He became a drunkard. He became a person I didn't know- nor wanted to know. He became a different person after that conversation. I told him to call her, break it off, then to call me within 3 minutes. He never called back.

I eventually found my car (in between Horton plaza and the courthouse). After that night, I never heard from him again. I saw him a few times out and about- with Her, ofcourse-- but I was usually with friends and did not want to be around this pitiful, weak person. I remember seeing her a few times, and i remember seething with rage because I knew what kind of a person that he became after he met her. He was no longer a free-spirited, innocent (for the most part), happy-to-the-core person. With her, he was a darker soul. His heart became this bitter, beating stone- not because he lost the ability to love, but because his ability to love overtook him and She warped his perception of it.

Even now, I still can't stand to think about her without my heart beating uncontrollably out of anger. He is no longer in my life because she didn't allow him to be my friend. He was kept on a short leash and now he has no recollection of what freedom and the possibilities that love can create. It's sickening to know that a person can do that to such a loving soul.

I can say this because, even with the circumstances that I've put myself in- I haven't lost the ability to think and feel and love the way I want to. Yes, Karma is a bitch- and I've felt what He has felt the few times that I chose to neglect people that I really shouldn't have neglected. But with the same token- I haven't pushed anyone out of my life because it was frowned upon. I still allow myself to love freely. I still ALLOW MYSELF to do as I please.

That sounds absolutely selfish, but if you know me, then you know that my intentions are not to hurt anyone. My intentions are to make people feel the same love that they make me feel. The same adoration and hope and lightness that comes with conversations, connections, and just BEING the person that you are and allowing it. It's not selfish because I'm not stingy with what I feel. No, I don't wear my heart on my sleeve the way I used to- it's a little more guarded these days- but by no means do I not allow myself to feel them. And in the same respect, I make sure that those connections are mutual. There's no greed here. At the very least, no intention of it.

Pane gets upset because he feels like he has to share me with everyone else. To me, that's greedy. So I don't allow it. What I feel for him is completely his. What he doesn't understand is that love doesn't run out. But because of the way he was raised- that he had so many siblings in a household that did not garner affection- he thinks that because I share a love with others, that I will only have enough for them, and that he will get bupkus. You know how much of a turnoff that is. The more he says that I don't love him the way I love everyone else, the less and less I am enamored with him. Why love someone so deeply but have that person not believe you? What's the point of pouring so much energy and affection and love into someone that writes it off as an obligation?

An OBLIGATION?!!?!?! Loving an absent, abusive, adopted parent is an obligation. When someone CHOOSES to bestow it upon you and lavish you with it is not. I don't know any other way to explain that.


July 12, 2008
I didn't realize how delicious Kraft Classic Ceasar dressing is. It's very close to the dressing at Buca Di Beppo, except a little bit creamier. I'm still deciding which one I like better. But both have that wonderful anchovy goodness! Sounds gross, huh? But I love it love it love it! All that's missing is a touch of lemon zest. mmmmmmmm.

I'm watching the Phillies get killed by the Dbacks. Stupid Dbacks. At least they still suck along with the rest of the NL West. But poor Adam Eaton. He was charged with 7 runs in 4 innings.

SOOOOOO yesterday I had an encounter with a guy that reminded me too much of China. He had the same physique, the same charm, same vibe to him. Dude, I had to get a grip because I was swooning all over again. I don't know. I can't get China out of my head. I think because I've started to look back at him and how perfect he was on paper. And evaluating the person that I am now and the person that he was then.... okay, let me start over.

I am a firm believer that we just had absolutely horrible timing. Because the person I am now is perfect for who he was then. THe ridiculous obsession with Scrubs, how picky I've become with eating out, and just my viewpoints in general. I am who he needed me to be when we were "together." So I wonder how he's doing these days. I am almost tempted to send him an email, but after our last encounter, I don't think he would like to hear from me.

Because honestly, in retrospect, I was the crazy girl he dated. A little needy, always drunk dialing, but still aloof and distant when it was completely unnecessary. I played the game with him when he didn't want to, and when he started to play along with me is when I lost interest. If I was one of his buddies, I would have told him to drop the crazy sorority girl that still works at the mall and lives with her parents. We were only 2 years apart, but those 2 years of experience and maturity were apparent.

I'm probably obsessing because I'm finally starting to realize what happened and how narrow-minded I was. I never regret anything I did with him until now. And now I wonder how he is, whether he still thinks of me or not (probably not), and if he's found love.

You know I won't contact him. I have no reason to. I'm married-- and my friendships are already a strain on the marriage as it is. There's no need to add another headache to it.

And even though he was a crappy lay, a cheap date, and a bit bossy-- I still wonder. I still think it could have worked if we tried. But neither of us tried hard enough. Neither of us had much of a reason to. But at least one of us regrets not trying. Maybe both?


July 9, 2008
Busy, busy, busy, busy. I really shouldn't be, because everything is in order right now. Or so I think. I think it's just that time of the month when I think everything is settled, then I open my mail and here comes all the crap that needs to be paid. AKA, BILLS. This month has been especially harsh with the party (crap, didn't realize how expensive it is to throw. alcohol is expensive! next time, BYOB!), and both of our student loans being due. It's been officially 6 months since Pane has graduated, which means we have to start paying down his loan. And his loan was twice as much as mine, so in turn, his monthly payment is also twice as much. YEESH! I think as long as we don't throw any shindigs for a couple of months then we'll be fine. Last month (and this month) is also going to be expensive because we're paying off the furniture in large chunks. If you've never bought furniture, I suggest you SAVE UP for it. Cuz leather is expensive, and if you want a decent set, you'll be shelling out a lot of cash. Yeah, you can finance it-- but it's just another monthly thing that I have to worry about. We have enough headaches on our monthly plate as it is.

I really shouldn't be complaining as much as I am. But I've gotten into the habit of completely paying off our credit card statements as soon as we receive them. With the exception of the next two months, because the furniture was more than we make in a month. And that being that we still have rent to pay and other bills, I thought it would be better just to pay it off by the end of this month and not have the finance charges hanging above our heads. The 17% interest on Pane's student loan (it was a private loan) will be PLENTY interest enough for us to pay down for the next 20 years, thank you very much.

My bad. Talking about money is depressing. But it's not half as depressing as my Padres =( who have been on a LOSING STREAK all season. LAME! And the mid-summer classic is next week. COME ON BOYS!!! With all of the injuries on the team, I don't even know how we'll get out of this funk.


July 5, 2008
The tornado that was our party last night has finally been cleaned up. Remind me no to have those ever again unless it's with people that I know and trust. Because I threw out so much beer this morning it made me cry a little inside. Next party, none of that shit. They finish their shit or they never come over ever again.

Pane surprised me tho. He normally passes out after a couple of drinks. But last night, he was the life of the party. And that NEVER happens! Maybe he's finally learning how to enjoy life. If anything... I'm glad I've been able to teach him THAT. So it left me happy. And we both woke up this morning hangover-free and started to clean the apartment together. It was nice. Things are finally starting to work out between the two of us.

Which is strange, because that should have been the case before we got married. But... I can admit it--- we got married way too fast. We barely knew each other. But now we're finally learning how the other works and learning how to enjoy each other's company. Maybe in a year or so, I'll finally be in a happy marriage.

Isn't that a sad thing to say? But hey... it's the truth.

I'm finally getting caught up after all the madness at work. After this week I should be fine again. The past few weeks have just been absolutely insane and exhausting. I really needed to unwind.