June 30, 2002
i just finished cleaning my car. vacuumed. cleaned the panels. after a short 6-hour shift at work. im pooped. i deserve a reward! got an invite from Brian for boba. buuuut... i dont think so. i think i wanna keep our relationship conversational. over the phone, that is. he's my bestfriend fill-in while the pooh bear is in hawaii. except without the coming-over-to-each-others'-pads benefit. i think the late night talks are sufficient. me love my bedtime stories.
yeah. like you care.
i think my posts have become entirely too long to maintain your attention. damn television. see what this new age has done to your brains? FRIED i tell you. FRIED!
and how often do i care whether you can actually get a grip of what im saying? hardly ever. i always continue to babble right? and how fair is that to the people who actually care to read my pointless ramblings? why should i deprive them of some good quality wetawdedness? so screw you if you cant hack a lot of reading. just stop reading. DUR.
so anyway...
ive been thinking alot. about the situations ive put myself in. about things to come. and what i want to happen. ive blinded myself to what lies ahead in the future. i used to plan everything. i used to know exactly where i would be headed. i used to plan out my life. and now im just living it... just seeing where it takes me. i guess its that time in my life where i should just live by the seat of my pants. to really see what i want out of life. but theres still a part of me that wants to plan out everything to the detail. act and live for the benefit of my future. i.e. "am i looking for my future husband, or am i just looking to have fun right now?" or "is what i am pursuing in school really gonna benefit me in the end?" how about my job? where the hell is that gonna take me? all of this, and im still really not sure. i guess i should start trying to figure it out. i guess i should maybe come to a decision about what im gonna do about my life.
but maybe later.
just checked traffic:: what exactly happened on thursday to get me so much traffic? hm. must investigate. p.s. sorry for the decline in entries. ive found better things to do. (HAH! how snobulous did that sound?!) ill try to post as often as i did that one lifeless, uneventful day when i somehow posted 7 times. eep. what a LOSER! bleh.
in other news, Del Mar fair was GREEAATT!! 3 couples. how u figger. that's a FIRST. even for me. then last night's party. the popular crowd from high school. brrr. i shudder at the thought. but a good night all in all. im building my tolerance! YEY! i will overcome my weaksauce status by my birthday. just watch... its gonna take A LOT for me to get faded that night. YEAAAHHHHHH boy! (shut up bri)
Sense and Sensibility is so much better when you read it for recreation as opposed to required reading. im only on chapter 5. out of 50. i wish i had more time to just sit and read. BUT... oh well. as long as i can finish it. im excited!
June 28, 2002
i used to:::
... be a 4.0 student
... be able to carry a note and add a little vibrato
... be 34-25-34
... set goals for myself and accomplish them
... have a mean diaphragm
... be strong
... have willpower
... have a super grip
... be able to go a day without making a purchase
... have a regular sleep cycle
... not be so prone to addiction
... be PURE in every sense of the word
... be fine with being out of season
... be able to live a simple life
thinking of all this has turned me into a depressed puddle of slush. what the fuck did i do with my life? what the FUCK have i turned into? ill tell you what ive turned into... ive turned into a fat cow of a superficial and materialistic kind. with no talents. with no wit. with no sense of who the hell i am. ive drowned myself in the sea of mediocrity. and i have no clue as to how i will be able to bouy myself back up. shit. i depress myself. is it PMS? no. cant be. im not bloated. im just fat. fuck this. how come everyone else gets to be so happy?
dont listen to me. this is just me trying to keep myself from becoming some superficial fuckface with nothing to think about except her weight and what she's wearing every fucking day. trying to avoid being the cow that i am destined to become. trying to maintain the balance within by counteracting all of these happy feelings ive been having lately. well.. not lately... just for the past couple of days. bring me back to reality so that i can face it with a "fuck you. i know your twisted little ways" face and not back down. damnit life. im gonna win if its the last thing i do.
oh yeah. HAPPY BIRTHDAY ERIK!!! you are OLD. welcome to old-fart-dom. so go drown your sorrows in liquor. while you're at it, can you get me some too? im an alkie now remember? but ye... HAPPY BERFDAY SUCKA. hope you had a good one. and hope maybe we'll hang out before your next berfday. i like your new rotors. who spoiled you with those?
esty, i know, i know. your bday! im so excited! whatever ur feelin right now, im feelin. eep! i think that's why our emotional psychological breakdowns are simultaneous. damnit. haha. its funny tho isnt it?
coolest big bro:: yes, i actually have used that "i feel better now that ive heard your voice" line. i think between the two of us, we've used every possible cheese line there ever was. GAG GAG GAG GAG GAG! you know you wanna gag with me. oh yeah. and according to family motto #1, you're sick because of Bert. dont blame the bed bugs. oh. and my time management sucks as much as yours does. go figger. you're my big bro. i take after you remember? even if i AM older.
i know, i know. i need to learn how to use email for all of those targetted posts. but you know you like going back and forth reading what we post to each other. sucka. im a blog reader too. you dont think i do the same kinda shit? UH DUUURRR!!!
June 27, 2002
last night i finally fell asleep before 4am! YEY! im proud of me. some well deserved rest after the day & night that i had. =P woke up at 630AM on tuesday to drop off the little bro and the sunlight kept me up doing nothing but sitting on my bed trying to compose my thoughts. and trying to find my poor little journal that so desperately needs some attention. p.s. i still havent found it. then work. n boba with the boyfriend. [editor's note: this is gonna kinda be a this-is-what-i-did-today entry] had the biggest craving for a kiwistrawberry slush. even if it was freezing outside. and WHOA. sarah was there! WOWEE! havent seen her since the time i went to dwin's pad to get his necklace. she just arrived from italy that day n her cuzzins (who were supercool btw) had a boba craving. so we were just chillin illen til i had to bounce cuz the moms was "get your ass home" vibin. arrived to an empty house that smelled like spaghetti. bri called n we were on the phone for HOURS. helped ease my mind about a lot. he's one of the few that will actually tell me a story when i ask for one. and i asked for a lot. but so did he. that was a much needed trip back to memory lane. and a much needed workout for my abs. as well as my funny bone. bedtime rolls around and i get a call from boyfriend.... and all the clarity that the talk with brian gave turned to shit. i was on the brink of psychopath-girlfriend mode. so i had to talk to him. and we talked. until 630AM when i had to drive the little bro again. full circle. that was a whole 24 hours. the day began and i had to get my ass to work. so i hopped in the shower. downed a red bull. drove to work. walked my 10 blocks. downed a venti chocolate brownie frap with an extra shot (4 espresso shots total) and got to it. co-worker-NICK was cappin cuz i kept running into things in a drunken blur. customers were worried cuz all of that caffeine made me supershaky. thought i was a crackhead or something. midway through my shift, i get a call from my district manager. "maria. your whole department is going on sale except for a few styles. you need to get all of that hard-marked and rearrange your department.". shit. AND she's coming to visit the store first thing in the morning. MOTHERFUCKER. how the hell was i supposed to get that done? damnit. well i got it halfway done. left mark to do the rest cuz i woulda gone into overtime. and i headed over to boyfriend's pad to do a little more talking. it was more like talk. nap. talk. nap. talk. i could not help it. the 36-hour mark was rollin along and i didnt sleep a wink. been on my feet for that long and i was barely keepin a hold of consciousness. but everything is good between the boyfriend n i. said our sorries. kissed n made up. headed home. bri called n i fell asleep to the sound of his voice.
and that was my two days. what the hell happened to YOU? seems erik had an earlymorning/latenight too. maybe its a unified blogger thang. maybe none of us had any sleep.
p.s. hey erik, werent you originally sposed to head back up like YESTERDAY? and we coulda actually DONE SOMETHING that one night. but you were already up there. sucka. no. YOU suck. p.s. if i dont get to post before latenight tonight, early HAPPY BIRTHDAY. you old fart. i remember when you still werent drinking age. counting down the MONTHS and DAYS before you could drink alcohol with the blessing of the government. what a dork. and now look at you. you're OLD.
esty, we need to have a sit-down talk. i dont think itll work over the phone. =( i just need to talk to you. and you need to talk to me. we just need to talk to get all this shit out of our systems.
big bro, im worried. how can you be so sick when the weather is SO BEAUTIFUL?!!? (cheese note: when when she says how beautiful the day is, tell her "only because you're here to bring the sunshine in my life." hell yeah. your little sis is a big fat ball of cheesy mush) but yeah. i worry. hope you feel better soon. shall i bring you medication? or did your parents bring it back from vacation? still not receiving your texts. screw cingular. and what's family motto #2?
HOLY CRAP ITS ALMOST JULY!!!! and i still have no ends to go to DC.
June 26, 2002
im not in the best of moods. im not in the best of shape either. im not in the best of anything right now. im turning into james. only he would understand me right now.
June 25, 2002
still havent found my journal. fuck. last night, i had to resort to writing on white paper in a deserted parking lot somewhere in national city. thanks brian for keeping me company. now go download that song and burn a copy for me. thanks! but i need to find that journal. the aroma of the leather is very inspiring. takes away the inhibitions so i can write freely. buti guess the paper was enough. i had enough in me to just write and write and write.
the first entry ended with:: "the balance in this universe is completely FUCKED." second entry ended with the chorus from Nelly & Kelly's "dilemma." i dunno. i was feelin the song, and it just so happened to play twice in a row on an SD station then again on Power. in vegas, Day & Night was playin. how u figger that?
but at least ive regained the bit of sanity that i lost. im starting to think clearly again. this insomnia that ive come down with is surprisingly invigorating. makes me wanna jog at night. although im very fond of the bags that have grown under the eyes. marc says that if i stay up late enough, the bags will grow large enough to make my eyes super chinky. cuz u know... they'll get so big that itll squish em up. haha. well lets try it marc! it seems to have worked for him. speaking of which, lets check up on the FAP forums. which by now have DIED. whatevers.
6.24.02.last.post.i.swear.
ive spent a majority of the day chatting up jeff, erik, and jen. not a complete waste of time, but i think i could have been much more productive. and since i know you three read me on occassion, i had fun for the most part. i always enjoy a good conversation. and in some cases, pointless banter that cracks me up and give my abdomen some good exercise.
so here's my thang. i had a whole shpiel in my beyond marfiles about it a coupla years ago. then again last year. but yea.. ANYWAY... with every guy that shows any interest in me, i always wonder "why me?" i never could understand it. not like i have much to offer. and i always wonder if its rule #1. because to be honest, ive always met these guys while im with someone else. not that i become dependent on being in a relationship that i have to hop from one bf to another. but... there are so many girls that are prettier. have more substance. could offer them so much more. and the guys that i end up with... i KNOW that they can do much better. so i could never understand why they settle for me. and whenever i ask, i get an answer that ive heard before. an answer that sounds so fabricated and practiced. not very convincing. even if i dont doubt their feelings, sometimes, i just have so much doubt in myself that im not convinced that there is anything about me to love.
bleh. i babble sometimes. this is one of those times. sorry. i know that this is post #7.
6.24.02.im.pathetic.
this is my 5th post of the day. how pathetic is am i! no... im not pathetic, im just very dedicated to bringing you some entertainment! hahha! and making you read a LOT of jibberish that i consider my thoughts. eep!
i couldnt find my journal today. that's probably why im online right now trying to compensate for it. its driving me CRAZY! i wanna write it out. this is one of those times that i would just like to keep it to myself. one of those things taht an audience like you just wouldnt understand. something that would trigger an event that ive been through n wouldnt like to experience again. so for the sake of my sanity, and the sake of ... well lets just say that its not something that you would like to read, nor would i like you to read it. (jan, dont worry, ofcourse you can read!)
i dont get me. how come ... now that i have NOTHING to do except work, i have all this shit to say? but when i had everything going for me, and hardly anytime at all, i had NOTHING to say. maybe its cuz now i have more time to think. and back then, all i wanted to do was to update you on my hectic life. or maybe i was just trying to vent it all out. so that i wouldnt have to deal with it all. gr. so when the fall semester comes around, expect to see a lot of "this is what i did today" entries. but hopefully you understand that this is a place for me to vent. and forget. see? another entry getting superlong. i have way too much time on my hands.
me n erik are done "conversing." time for post #6! but it will be on blogspot. where no one goes. so that's where i post even stupider shit. nm. just click on another link. or try to catch up w/ today's entries. haha. I AM SO PATHETIC! now i know why brian is always cappin.
6.24.02.not.even.4am.yet
OH MY GOD!!! WILL IS BACK!!!!
after SUCH a long time of no will, he's finally back! dont ask me how i found his new site. cuz i dont even remember. but that's what random clicking does. oh hell yes! you just DO NOT UNDERSTAND how ecstatic i am. i just wanted to share with you. because... well because i know how nosy you are. and will just rocks! he's goin by the alias "jayden w. santos" now. but he will always be WILL. and im not sure if im sposed to even say anything. or link him, at that. but.. i just need to. i miss willsantos.com. and now... YEYEYEYEYY! im excited. arent you?
also found this cool girl. seems to have gotten out everything ive wanted to say in the past. but she says it with so much more pizazz than i.
I don't wanna lose my independence to a boy. I know better than that.
I know serious relationships consist of compromise and give and take but I just want to make sure I'm fully insulated from hurt.
But it's also about taking risks so I should just give in a little and enjoy it, because it takes two to make it work and it would only be fair to be a little vulnerable too if he's also doing it.
there's a LOT more. she says a lot that i can totally relate to. but she has the balls to say it. er. or maybe her guy just doesnt sign on as much. haha. she's cool. you know why? cuz she has also managed to vent on more than one journal. personally, i like the more emotional ones. cuz i like to relate. its fun seeing someone go through the same shit as you. cuz you can soooo feel exactly what they're saying.
i love random clicking. it takes you to the greatest places. and you find people that you would otherwise never ever meet.
June 24, 2002
checked my hittage. hmm. 52govroom.com seems to be up n poppin again. SDSU summer school has taken a huge toll on my numbers. cut 10 or so daily viewers all week long. bringing my pathetic audience down to 23 hits per day for the week (p.s. i go by unique daily visitors. my meter doesnt count it when my page is viewed from the same ISP addy per day. so refreshing doesnt count as another view). geez guys... is school that hard already? wow. makes me happy that i decided to take a break. but nice to know that you guys are back and reading. welcome back. get your asses to reading, cuz you've missed quite a lot. no, not really. im lying. i just want you to catch up.
and apparently, im linked somewhere on fadedatmovies.net my sitemeter tells me that ive been getting some traffic from there. but when i tried to see where exactly the link was, i was denied access. it asked me for a username and password. bleh. I WANNA KNOW!
speaking of fadedatmovies, i could really go for some BROTHER time. i had my taste of the bros tonight, and i realized that male presence in my life has taken a serious dwindling down lately. where are all my bros? i havent seen any of my pledge bros in forever. would really LOVE to have an alpha phi gamma & beta omega phi exchange sometime soon. or an aphig and apsirho social. OR SOMETHING. i need to attend a greek event soon before i go nuts. (yeah, greeks are dependent on each other. because we're family. fuck off if you dont understand)
and BROTHER time this christmas! yey!!!! JJJ is comin w/ melissa on 12-22 to 1-4!! meaning my kuya will be here a week before and a week after. maybe melissa can be the next dikkless bro. aw crap. me n marlon need to get our asses to the gym. you know what we were doing at quickly? we were seein who had a bigger donut. ofcourse, being smaller than he is, mine was bigger. how u figger that? i dont know. but i still keep my title as "FAT ONE" in the group. could never understand how my biological brothers are super skinny, and ive got so much meat on me. but whatever. imma get abs laffin my ass of this december. and i have to call up Les for that Bakla G pic. oh man. I CANT WAIT!!!
June 23, 2002
okay. new strategy. instead of frantically trying to remember post ideas while i surf or trying to post without any inspiration, i will now surf with a notepad window available. so if any inspiration decides to come my way, i have a medium ready and willing to capture my thoughts. WOOPEEE!!!
p.s. you are looking at the newest owner of MALADROIT. ive only heard half of the CD, but the fact that i LISTENED to every song without hitting the SKIP button says a lot. im not a very patient person. i like the SKIP button. even on my mix CDs. so when i dont hit SKIP, im either deep in thought, pre-occupied, or i just really love what im listening to. in this case, i just really love what im listening to. everything is good now that i have weezer playing in my car. worries go away. i think ill go for a drive. just to hear the rest of the CD. but its getting late.
p.p.s. erik, ive never called you before because you NEVER gave me your number. after all those times. sucka. you always changed the subject. and i thought it would be kinda rude to track it down. but that one night... go figure. i wasnt thinking straight.
mental note: ask brian what his last name is
"sorority life" premieres on MTV tomorrow night. during my fucking management meeting. which means i wont be able to see it. which means that whatever stereotype the masses will inevitably cast upon me, i will be clueless about. i mean.. yeah.. i already KNOW the stereotype, but now it gets worse. hopefully, they will show the sisterhood. but with a large sorority, its hard to see it. all you see is the hazing and the partying and a depiction of mindless social drones. UGH. i fucking hate being LABELED.
speaking of higher learning, books are available at the SDSU bookstore. i should really go pick up a copy. being a junior and all... im not LAST to register! yey! sucks to be a sophomore! but ye. i need to see what classes are available when, cuz im still planning on working my 40 hours while im school. but also planning on getting a little sis. and doing my 20 units. maybe 19. or more. chinese (5), psych 301 (3), psych 333 (3), bio 341 (3), RWS 305 (3), psych 270 (3), psych 271 (1). so how many is that? 22. oh shit. thats a big load. and that's not including the classes that i have to take to get my associates in biology. (more on that later) hmm. maybe i wont get a little sis. maybe ill just work 35 hours. academics first. that's only like 25 hours of school per week. 35 hours of work. 10-20 hours sorority time. there's 168 hours in a week. hm. and about 10 hours cumulative driving time in the week. TRY to do the 7 hours of sleep per night = 49 hours. [side note: i picked up my phone to use the calculator, and it was OFF! just turned it on, got 2 texts from brian (he found a boba place in vegas) and a vmail from Ken. WOW! i feel special) that's 139 hours total. so that leaves 29 hours of boyfriend, eating, internet, study, and "other friends" time.
OHHHH SHIIIITTT!!!!!! its all the BROS! they're ALL ONLINE! and we're ALL IN ONE CHATROOM! fuckin HELL YES! in marlodude's words:: "all the bros and the dikkless bro CHERRY!" awww sucka. i love these guys. oh man. these words are typed between laffing my ass off and trying to keep up with the conversation. MAN! i LOVE IT! i cant wait til christmas! cuz JJJ is FINALLY coming down! and he's bringin melissa! WOOWOWOWOWOWOW! im so giddy, i think imma take a long run after we get off. YIPPEE!!! im burning calories cuz im laffin so much. MAN. i was SO in need of this bro time!
k. this is getting long (that's what your girlfriend said!). i think imma focus on chatting and give you a break from reading.
but before i go... "i wanna be T&A and substance"
6.22.02.gettin.close.to.midnight.
no erik, ive never called you before. i called out to you... that one time through the two-story Mcdonalds drive-thru window. but that's about it.
i like country style orange juice with the pulp. you know why? cuz the pulp takes up a lot of space. so that means its like eating an orange for breakfast. which means you dont really have to eat breakfast. cuz your tummy thinks you did. but you really didnt. and its a good source of vitamin C. and makes me feel GREEAAAT all day long. even on those days when i dont sleep. i like smirnoff because they tell me to drink responsibly. and not to drive afterwards. but come on now... can you really get a good fade after a coupla smirnoffs? (well if you're superweaksauce like me, then i guess yeah) so they arent the ones that should be tellin people to drink intelligently. they should advertise that smirnoff is just damn good. glug glug glug!
did ya ever wonder about "the one that got away?" i mean seriously think about him/her. what woulda coulda shoulda happened. and why he/she got away. what did you do? why did it have to end? and why... after all this time... does it still feel so right? and why does your heart and your mind just tear you to two different directions? and you get left in the middle. idle. not knowing what to do.
... glad i dont have that problem. but still... sucks for the people who do. and still think about it constantly. and still have that person in their lives. hurts doesnt it? sorry fellahs. but i reeled my fishy that got away back in.
they played THREE blocks of WEEZER on 91X today. that made my day. one in the morning. one during work. and one on the way to my TWIN's apartment. the third one was the BEST! played DOPE NOSE followed by THE SWEATER SONG followed by ISLAND IN THE SUN. man. tomorrow i will blow a lot of money on CDs. i deserve it damnit.
Freddie Prinze Jr. reminds me of Brian. maybe its cuz he's a Scooby freak. maybe its cuz of the parts that freddie has played before. maybe... i dont know. he just does. they're both cool dorks too.
June 22, 2002
from now on, i POST before i go anywhere else. other activities are distracting.
watched LILO AND STITCH. it was awesome blossom! WOWIE! it was HEELARIIIIOUS! 4 thumbs up (2 are mines, 2 are the boyfriend's. it was extra good.
all of a sudden, i have writers block. i had so much to say before i turned on my computer. so many thoughts running through my head. so many tangents i coulda ran on. but now.. sitting here... i have NOTHING. goes to show that nothing beats solitude for higher thinking.
June 21, 2002
GOOD LAAWWDDDD DEAN CAIN IS HOT! he's making a cameo on tonight's episode of Just Shoot Me. now i remember my motivation to wake up 8am every morning. its not cuz i cant stand the sun burning through the first layer of my skin... its cuz Lois and Clark is on TNT!
my ears are having the biggest craving for some weezer. (green album) my eyes are craving Dean Cain. my nose is craving candies. my mouth is craving skyy. my skin is craving.... skin *wink wink*
boyfriend/girlfriend night tomorrow night. YEY! im excited. its been a while.
so i signed on before midnight. with intentions of posting this (it was written in notepad). but decided to check up on the FAP forums to see who replied to my posts. got caught up. and its 1:46am. i have work in 6 hours. and still have to fight traffic. im FUCKED. red bull is gonna be my best friend tomorrow. no more FAP for maria. hey hey! but some dude that i used to talk to on AA hollered w/ the message "your SN seems so familiar. have i ever talked to you before?" apparently YES. im pretty sure he was wunna the people who were constantly in the chat rooms w/ me, erik n emilio. but if he was, he was wunna the people lookin to hook up w/ someone.
hey erik... you HAVE to join the FAP forums! COME ON! and i have just the picture that you can use! wouldnt want to leave you out. but we can leave emilio out... seein that he has a gf n all now. ey.. whatever happened to all the people from WBS?
yes. the internet is a big part of my life. its a big part of yours too. so shut the fuck up. you internet loser. kiss my ass. cuz we're in the same boat sucka. (actually, i came on a plane)
June 19, 2002
for the record, I AM NOT AN ALKIE!!! i finally heard erik's voice for the FIRST TIME EVER! we've known each other for what... like four years? or is it 3? i dont know. but its been FOREVER! and we've never ever ever talked to each other over the phone EVER until last night. BUT I HAVE YO NUMBA NOW FOO! had to track it down tho. asked Bri for Emil's number. then had to ask Emil for Erik's number. then texted this foo cuz i was under the impression that he lived on the morse side of south siena. turns out he lives by the 2 story mcdonalds. he used to have a map & directions to his pad on his ASIANAVENUE page. but that's long gone. BUT ANYWAYS, i digress. but i know that's one thing you've learned to love about me. YEY!
i got my cell bill last night. er.. yesterday. guess how much that shit is... $338. 47!!! oh good lord. okay.. i have NO ends to pay for that shit. pooh bear only used 2,000 minutes n 381 text messages, but he got charged up the ass! that's what having NO long distance does. and he went hella over his peak minutes. dumb girls. he should stop callin those internet hoes. me, on the other hand, used 3,488 minutes and 678 text messages... and you know how much MY end of the bill was? $60.97 that's what happens when ur night minutes start at 8pm, you have unlimited mobile to mobile, nights and weekends, long distance and text messages. and i only used 95 minutes of my peak time. out of 300. and that was cuz other people used my phone.
the lesson of that story? jump on the bandwagon when its a GREAT deal. cuz those corporate motherfuckers are gonna SNATCH that shit away as soon as they realize that people are actually buying their shit. assholes.
June 18, 2002
so according to my site meter, a majority of my page views are between the hours of 9pm and 1am. which is great! considering that those are the hours that i post. means we're on the same level buddy. but kinda scary... considering that you probably have me on your buddy list... and you're just waiting for me to sign on and off... watching. and waiting. and not even IMing me. SUCKA! what the fuck is that about?
i think jeremy put it best when he said "it's like looking into someone's room. it's not as fun if they know that you looked in." i kinda understand, and i kinda dont. i mean.. .COME ON! you read about the daily happenings of my life. you're practically living my relationships with me... and i still dont know who the fuck you are. kinda scary. but then again... i know if you started talking to me about what i write about, id just be like "what the FUCK are you talking about?" cuz honestly, i dont even remember my blogs half the time. scratch that... i remember my blogs about NEVER times. but it would be nice to get some guestbook hits. just so i know you care. and if you're a blogger too, then you can link me to yours, and we can stalk each other via internet in secret. YEY! wont that be FUN!?!?!
him and i are gonna have a talk soon. (right boyfriend?) to sort out all of this blahblahblah. not necessarily drama... just misunderstandings. we dont quite get each other yet, because we're so alike that its hard to understand. you get it? its like when you're trying to figure yourself out... you just cant most of the time. we both react the same to each other, and it REALLY doesnt help. just makes things worse. but we're too stubborn to admit it.
i could really go for a mikes hard lemonade. or a skyy. aw hell. even a screwdriver sounds good right now. but you know what i really want? PINEAPPLE JUICE.
6.17.02.oy.vey.
first of all, a BIG CONGRATULATIONS to everyone who walked today. on to a bigger, better, brighter future! or at least you get to take that step towards one. make it a good one. cuz this is your life baby.
on a side note, how come people dont know how to spell congratulations? its often spelled congraDulations, or even worse... congraDTulations. and these are people who should know better. what the heezy man. if ya dont know how to spell it, then at least just write "CONGRATS" or something. haha.. or not. they might end up spelling "CONGRADS." but i guess for this occasion, it would be fitting (it being graduation n all).
jan had a dream the other night. and of all things... she had a dream about me and mark's wedding. WTF jan!? well at least my dress was nice. and it was a beautiful reception. and jan's dress was lavender... so im guessing that my wedding will be lavender (cuz she HAD to be the maid of honor or a bridesmaid). and she gave a touching speech that made me cry. and yah know who her date was? GUESS! haha! could it be anyone else? ofcourse not! all in all, a very wonderful day. shared with the sisters that i love, and the guy ... well yeah.. the guy that i love. (shut up. i know that was BANG material)
and i had a dream (post sushi) that mark and i were in la jolla. err... coulda been coronado. but in my dream i was convinced it was la jolla. i decided to go for a jog, n he graciously offered to accompany me. it was getting late and getting quite dark outside. but i didnt have any running shoes (actually, i think i was in shorts, a tank top, and barefoot). so we ran through all of these random peoples' houses looking for my shoes. mark got sick of it after a while, but he continued to run after me. after a while, i found my shoes in an eastlake-lookin house. so we headed outside, n took a jog around the cliffy part of the cove. a little whiles later, we were at the naval amphibious base in coronado chillins. i dont remember much of the rest of it... but the feelings resembled those i had during michelle's debut. then i woke up.
hey. listen... i know im not much of story teller. but thanks for putting up with my garbage.
June 17, 2002
*DOOG* *DOOG* *DOOG* *DOOG* *SLAM* walls are up. windows shut. doors locked. alarm systems... ON! sucka! this is not the time for ghost stories.
watched Bridget Jones' Diary. the movie sucked. the book was much better. what a complete disappointment. but it's motivation to read more as opposed to frying my brain in front of the telly.
BRI just is telling me that Scooby Doo is alright. but could have been better. darn. and i was highly anticipating on watching. grr. fuckin OKAY bri! i get the point! he's pissed cuz he loves scooby.
visited KENNY today at work. got off early (it being the 16th and all... err.. WAS) but he had to work. so i decided to see kenny. stayed there for at least an hour just talking and... um... straightening the store. he confronted me about my flakiness. about how he always wants to chill but i always flake.
i know i have to stop doing that. BRI has called me on it too. so did TUAN. NEMO did for a while, but i was flaking cuz i really didnt feel like chillins w/ him. so now, i think ill stop. that'll be my resolution for this summer. i will stop flaking on people. and stop putting things off (e.g. calling people back, setting a date and sticking to it, etc. etc.) oh yeah... flaked MANY times on eDwin too. whoops. these guys are gettin antsy about hanging out. okay. here. damnit.
BRI:: lets go to Buca n Marble Slab. then hit up the beach so you can show me what that 24 hour fitness membership has done for you.
KENdog:: we will hang out. we will chills. late night dennys again, perhaps? then cruise the mall when its closed.
TUAN:: we never really planned anything. just to chill. so lets chill. next car show. you and me. we'll see who knows more models.
ERIK:: whats another 4 months? when i hit drinking age... yous n meez are gonna bring the alkie back out of emilio. lets get CRUNKED!
((hey check it out... usher is in an episode of The Famous Jet Jackson))
eDWIN:: next semester... we'll plan our breaks together again?
so next time i flake... PLEASE call me on it. cuz otherwise, im not gonna learn my lesson. and ... then... bleeehhhhh!
not thinking clearly. defenses are up. blocking thinking waves.
June 15, 2002
if you were to list the people in your life by order of who loves you the most, where would your significant other lie? before or after your family? before or after your friends? before or after your ex-significant others?
and if you were to list the people in your life by order of who YOU love the most, where would he/she lie?
just a thought.
i signed on to aim again. he was online. IMs in order of receipt:: tuan (to tell me he was thinking of me today), mike from saga (to ask where the hell ive been and how come i havent called), and kenny (because we miss each others' presence and to exchange work schedules). 10 minutes later, he was gone. 5 minutes later, im venting about it because i dont have the balls to say anything. it being the 15th and all. (p.s. military payday today.) no text. no phone call. no IM.
now i know how erik felt. (not erik the mexican, the erik-ex) and so the tables have turned. now i know how everyone who has ever been in a relationship with me has felt. (p.s. jen, if you want details, just IM me or gimme a ring) him and i are just too similar. in terms of defense mechanisms, in terms of mannerisms, in terms of behaviorisms, and any other isms that apply. which makes it difficult because there are so many possibilities of thought processes that i cant decide which is which. ugh. i dont know. its not something you can exactly explain in words. its just difficult. its like being in a relationship with myself. and everything is in balance, so i cant complain. but... the balance is off, then its on, then its off, then its on. wunna those thangs. maybe its the PMS talking. maybe its the cheese talkin. maybe its my excessive free time. maybe this time, the cosmos are no longer gonna put up with my disobedience (re: fish and scales are not a good mix).
and right now i dont know. and questions can be good because they lead to answers. im just afraid of the answer. so that's why i dont question. but we do need to talk. but im just thinking... dissecting a relationship is not the prettiest way to go. i like the honeymoon. regardless of how cheesy it is or that for the most part its just making out. [side note: i was watching Rookie of the year today, and just thought of CRACKER JACKS. yum. especially the cool prize!]
aw screw it. i just lost my train of thought. i was watching my pinky typing, and marveled at the intelligence that tiny little finger has. it has a mind of its own! it knows the exact moment to hit that SHIFT key! how does that little guy do it? I DONT KNOW! but WOW! i have some amazing, talented little fingers dont i? this little guy has a mind of his own! haha... hence all of the exclamation points!!!! sucka. what a tard.
June 14, 2002
i dont understand how people can share their bloggers with other people. like they actually share it. i guess its okay. especially since they've been a close-knit set of friends since the beginning of time. but still... id be freaked if friends (regardless of closeness) were all up in my space. i dont think id be able to freely address exactly what was on my mind. id be too distracted thinking of what to say to them as well as the rest of the world. but oh well. maybe im just jealous. i dont have close friends that i went to school with.
who do i have? i have the boys that i grew up with. namely- my older brother, charles, greg, and jeremy (JJJ). along the way we picked up marlon and joby. further down, we picked up ty, pooh and les, but they arent as tight as the 7 of us. no room in the van for them either. but these are the guys i grew up with. we know each other well. we know what's going on at all times, even if we only talk and hang out once or twice a year. we fart on each other's heads. we drive all over the place with no destination. we wrestle. and we talk for hours on end at my kitchen table about anything and everything. every winter, my brother comes home. so does JJJ. and we have a month of nothing but the 7 of us. chillin. eating. wrestling. farting. because when they're around... nothing else matters. the rest of the world is there for us to conquer. my bfs and their girls come and go. but we've grown up together. we've been there for each other through EVERYTHING. and its gonna stay that way for the rest of our lives. this is stronger than sisterhood. stronger than brotherhood.
shit. i cant wait til winter. im in need of some cynicism, random fun, and gasping for breath in fear of getting in an accident in the van. i miss you guys! the internet n the phone arent enough.
got cold stone w/ nemo today. we caught up. told stories. mind twins are the greatest.
6.13.02.mark.is.rambling.
BRI:: where's a good place to get pho (fuh)?
MAR:: ive never had it before. but i heard that the place by tea station by 99 ranch is good
BRI:: hey thanks.
MAR:: aw! i dont wanna go to work today. it's beautiful outside! this is perfect beach weather
BRI:: oh yeah we're going there after. ill tell you how it is
MAR:: aww! punk. well at least think of me while you're there. just pretend that im right next to you.
BRI:: it'll be hard not to. ill also be thinking of you while im at marble slab!
MAR:: aw! that's wrong!
BRI:: boba too.
MAR:: okay. lets GO! im calling in sick. pick me up.
BRI:: you talk the talk but can you walk the walk.
MAR:: i know. shut up.
MAR:: i would if i had balls
BRI:: well i would hope you didnt have balls
MAR:: and if i did?
BRI:: that would just be scary.
BRI:: we'd have to go on jerry springer
MAR:: lets GO! but i dont have balls
okay. it went something like that. then it went on. but i just dont remember exactly how. we just kept going on random tangents. talking with brian always rocks. we have this thing about tryin to make each other jealous. so the both of us always ends up with random text messages about where the other person is or what they're eating. we leave tabs to the other person. and for what odd reason, i will never understand. but its fun.
nemo called up today. pomona is over n done with. so i guess ill be his gf-fill-in for the summer until i can get him hooked on a girl. haha... perhaps another sister? its gonna be like one of those gay-guy-and-straight-girl relationships.... except instead its a single-guy-and-straight-girl-with-a-boyfriend relationship. but he's my mind twin. gotta take care of his psyche so that i can retain my sanity. which reminds me... gotta dig deep w/ james so i can get my head on straight. damn twins.
June 13, 2002
missed another day didnt i? i miss you too.
eDwin, i LOVE the new layout. i wish i had skills like that. aw hell. wish i had skills. period. bleh. hey... quick question... do i still owe you a date? after 4.20 im not exactly sure. [p.s. you guys HAVE to check out his new layout. it's just HOTNESS.]
im going up and down 5 flights of stairs 3 times a day. ive only been eating in the morning (but snacking excessively). and im still a heffer. im starting to believe that exercise is a bad thing. my chin is starting to droop. my tummy is starting to have a life of its own. and so is my ass. what. the. fuck.
im suffering from the boyfriend complex. the weight gain. the decline of male callers. the wiltering presence of the otherwise exceptionally significant people in my life. lack of functional thought. cheesiness. (sorry jan, but you're the only one in the Disney Quad that's not suffering from the bang-me-disease) at least we havent (and WONT) started the "i love you MORE" debate. im becoming less dependent, but also becoming less impulsive. i need to just go out for a drive.
wish i was suffering from the post-breakup complex. well not really. i just miss being skinny. and being on everybody's most wanted list. =( not that everybody wanted me. but still. shut up.
p.s. new pic on the left side.
June 11, 2002
"asian as in ching chang chong"
rekt monkee: DUDE
super M A R 52: DUUUUDE!
rekt monkee: why didnt you tell me you were online
super M A R 52: huh?
super M A R 52: i just signed on
rekt monkee: haha. oh
super M A R 52: like a minute ago
super M A R 52: SUCKA
rekt monkee: i dont have my sounds on
rekt monkee: i was gonna sign off
rekt monkee: WAS
rekt monkee: so let's go somewhere. RIGHT NOW!
.....
super M A R 52: go gog og!
super M A R 52: ... i called you gog
rekt monkee: gog?
rekt monkee: gog og.
super M A R 52: og is your last name
rekt monkee: AHHHH
rekt monkee: hell yeah
never a dull moment online with erik.
on a duller note, havent seen boyfriend in two days. if not tomorrow, that makes it three. im becoming less and less dependent on the other half while im in a relationship. im getting much better at retaining my individuality and independence in this relationship. had it been anyone else, i'd be helpless w/out the other half. im glad i dont have a second half... i have an addition. which is much better. (but bulk-wise, im still a HEF)
6.10.02.mervyns.
open your eyes. open your heart. open your soul. open your mouth. open your mind. open yourself.
... and THEN decide.
6.10.02.story.time
if you've ever had the chance to talk to me late at night, then i've probably asked you to tell me a story. im a sucker for someone that can tell a good story. get the details in all the right places. ugh. i would love to be a writer, but i lack the skills and creativity. so maybe ill just marry one.
asian avenue has redeemed itself! even if they still havent commissioned a new Love in a 10-Block Radius article in over 2 months. i clicked on a link, and found my new internet obsession.
it's called IIstix.com a compilation of stories and experiences written by young asian americans. it's GREAT! i've been stuck on it for hours, just reading and connecting. finding myself in the experiences of others. i would love to link the articles that i screamed "whoa! oh my god! i feel you on that girl!", but i wont. because it will inevitably offend someone that i know and love. or someoneS. plural.
so hang on. ill find the balls in a couple of hours and post a story. so chill out. cruise my links a while. hey... maybe you'll find yourself in a couple of those stories.
June 10, 2002
did i really miss a day of blogging? huh. didnt even notice.
im getting tired of reflecting. ["eenie meenie miney WHOA"] too much thinking renders me vulnerable and helpless. must reinforce hunky clunky block of defenses. wall between mind and life. must become that stupid girl with no worries. being giggly isnt so bad. my pledge mom always told me "hakuna matata mar." that's who i need to be. i need to be MAR again. or at least for a while. let go of all my fears. let go of all my worries. need some maalox for the brain. as of now, i just need to LET GO.
wait. the above paragraph. isnt that reflection? uh hur hur hur! DUH MAR! what an idiot.
well as long as we're talkin about dreams, last night i had a dream that i was trying stuff on in the fitting room of some department store, and there were no bathrooms, so i just started peeing on the carpet. and it splashed onto my jeans. that was a long pee. i guess my bladder was really full. ew. that's nasty. at least i didnt pee in my bed.
im trying really hard not to eat the chocolate heart that my big sis gave me on valentine's day. but it looks so chocolatey and delicious. its a giant ghirardelli heart on a stick. yum.
I HAVE NO WILLPOWER. the shopping bags on my bed can vouch for that. and so can the bite mark in the chocolate heart. but being bad feels so good.
June 8, 2002
hookah. drinks with old friends. awesome boyfriend. arriving home at 5:30am and not getting in trouble. life is good.
ive decided to pierce my belly button. its gonna be my motivation. if i get my button pierced, then that means i have to show it off. but i cant/wont show it off if im all flabulous. so that means i gotta have a sexy wexy abdomen. and i dont wanna waste my moolah on getting pierced n not showing it off, so that means i gotta lose the midsection donut. FO SHO!
work is boring. home is boring. most of my sisters are MIA. (damnit. i shoulda gone up to GRAD NITE up at Union) summer is gonna be fucking WEAKSAUCE! it's saturday night and im watching "Leave it to Beaver: the movie" on the Disney Channel. how pathetic.
i would call up sisters. but i feel like i would just be a pest. i would call up the homies. but they're always busy. and so unconnected (cel phone free). i would call the exes (whom i KNOW would chill at the drop of a dime), but now is not the time, as i have some issues to deal with. and who else is there? i dont know. you tell me.
june 11th is creepin up. the woulda been 4 years. work at 1030am. til 1030pm. yeow well. its over and done with. a close friend once said "let's just look to the future."
June 7, 2002
i've been looking through me n mark's archives. just to see how far we've come since 02.02.02 (day i got his digits when he walked back into my life). its been one hell of a rocky time. there was so much blog drama, its not even funny. but iknow yu would rather not relive all of that. but you know what? I DO.
4.8.02.hard.to.believe.its.before.midnight.
how come... that just when you think things are going the way they're supposed to go, everything goes wrong? and just when you think you made a smart decision, reality gives you a sharp slap in the face and tells you "think again, sweetheart. you're kidding yourself." i hate how life likes to give you a good thing, and just give it to you on a silver platter, only to snatch it away the SECOND you make the decision to grab a hold of it.
i guess sometimes you can just fool yourself into believing that what you want is real. sometimes you just want something so bad, and you keep believing that you'll get it.... you just pull a blindfold over your head... and when you realize that you were fooling yourself... its too late to turn back. sometimes i wish i could just be a cynic. and not let anything ever get to me. i know that it would put me in a position of not ever knowing what's really out there... but sometimes, the risk just isnt worth it. i wish i didnt have to learn that the hard way. but even more... i wish that i was right.
but it figures. i always did suck at CHEMISTRY. never could figure that shit out. too many factors. too much unnecessary shit. i shoulda just STOOD UP, walked out, and taken that shit during the regular school year. but how can i be wrong? i was so sure of it. but right now... right now... i dont know. i just dont understand. im in the same situation again. i just feel like making a face, looking down, and peacing out. this time, i dont know for how long.
mixed signals: it's funny how one little phrase, sentence, or word can have so much of an affect on me. I read WAY too much into every little thing...
posted by Mark at 12:49:07 PM [sign/view the guestbook]
promises to keep: I made a promise to myself a long time ago that I would never change who I am and the habits that I've come to develop for anyone. Not my friends, not my family, and espically not for a girl. Being true to myself has keep me grounded and I wouldn't have it any other way. I never liked it when other people get all up in my business or make assumptions about the type of person I am. I try not to allow myself to be influenced by the people around me... instead I come to important decisions about my life on my own terms.
posted by Mark at 12:46:35 PM [sign/view the guestbook]
crazy shit. im glad that we're finally able to be open to each other about the way we feel. there isnt that big ass wall between us that kept us apart for so long. no more constraining little details... just very constrictive ropes. haha! joke lang. nunna that up in hea. point is.... im glad that we're finally together. hopefully the only rocky times that we will ever experience are from those times of miscommunication before we were together.
sorry. im a deadblogger. give it some time before i can get back into the saddle of lame jokes and pointless ramblings.
June 6, 2002
lunch w/ esty was great. caught up. exchanged doubles. i have a feeling that it will be like that WHEN WE'RE 40.
i think you will all be happy to know that i have regained my sanity. turns out i had a case of brain constipation. its all shitted out now. i would tell you exactly how i regained sanity, but that would just leave me with my brains shot out. *BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG!!!*
i know you're tired of long entries. consider this a BREAK. and if ur feenin for a long one, call up a black man.
.... or read blogspot.
June 5, 2002
HAPPY BIRTHDAY BIG BRO!!!!
he's 20 today. haha. yeah... i turned 20 last october. but he's still my big bro. and he's my favorite big bro. and he's got the bestest lil sis in the whole wide world! j/k. but yes, mr. reggie mose, today is your day! have fun sleeping in! good luck on that auntie/uncle party that your parents will hopefully throw for you. the more the merrier. because the more, the fatter your pockets shall be. for the ones you havent seen in a couple of years, remind them that you're in college now, and therefore they have missed your graduation... in other words, mo moolah please. well since i AM your favorite lil sis in the whole wide world, and you ARE my favorite big bro, save me item #3 on your bday wishlist. (#1 is saved for the parents, #2 saved for the girlfriend) and what size do you wear again? M or L? with your height, i know for damn sure you cant pull off a small. and with your lack of circumference, its for damn sure you cant pull off an XL without looking like a deflated balloon. but let me know, PLEASE. whatever it may be, you can count on me!
in other news, mark is in pomona hangin w/ his cynics. [honestly, i have NO clue why i even bother to link him, cuz i know he doesnt update.] i wish i came along. i could really use some pomona people time. [sisters, ding, nemo, paul... i miss chillins w/ yalls. but its k. come summer time, they'll all be back in MY HOOD. ice cream, taco bell, n boba runs all summer long! YEAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!] i could really use the driving time too. long drives are GREAT when you have someone to talk to.
figured out why ive been so anti-social lately. i just dont remember it now since i vented in my offline journal. yeow well. ill post it later.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY BIG BRO! (p.s. banner will remain until he makes a point of mentioning to me that he's seen it.)
June 4, 2002
i have a hankerin to hang out with some Beta Omega Phi pledge bros. damn. shoulda hit up the car wash. err.. maybe it was cuz i hit up fadedatmovies.net and the first image i see is that of allan (2nd fave pledge bro!) and aaron giggling their asses off. man. that kind of brotherhood... like a wow! [best effect if said w/ a fobulous accent] makes me crave some valuable sister time. or at least angel time. argh.
been going through my old high school yearbooks. in mark's senior ad, he wrote:: all dat drama is in da past, let's just look to da future cuz we're freinds 4ever! when RU going 2 use dat [kantoot]coupon? p.s. i still have that coupon and have every intention of using it. but in due time. never thought that we would ever get together... it was always just something i conjured up in my imagination for happy thoughts.
well anyway, in my senior yearbook, i made it a point to plaster pictures of special people in the blank spots that people didnt sign in. (as if there werent enough pictures in the yearbook already) on the back cover, i wrote something to myself... and it went a little something like this:::
4 years of high school. FINALLY OVER. the memories created in the past four years are the sources of my character. ColorGuard. ditching. ROTC. advanced classes. hazing. trophies. SPT. BRIGADE. the dances. the cars. the practices. the stress. sleepless nights. hours on the phone. and the ever-changing group and "trueness" of friends. First, the most important people who made a dramatic impact: and i continued to list people who have made an impact throughout my lifetime. best friends, exboyfriends, ex friends. etc, etc. (p.s. mark, yes you were a part of that list... how appropriate that our song just started playing the second that i began to type your name)
being at home so much makes me think of how much i need human contact. that's probably why i work in retail n working on my BS in psychology. bleh. anymore of this excessive home time and im gonna slowly fall into DITCH MODE. when i completely alienate myself from contact from friends, loved ones, and lock myself up in my room, only to emerge when i need to go to work or use the potty. but its a good way to lose weight, i tell ya.
WARNING::: the following excerpt will make NO sense if you are not me. please be advised that any confusion will not be clarified. your best bet would be to just leave a message in my guestbook.
man. ZAL was fawking hot! yearbook was the best. RO rocked while we had control. ditching was always fun. except that one time. (KABOOM!) wait. make that two times (bonita DENNYS). high school made the world such a small place. SPT (strictly put together) made the world a small place. all my old SPT heads had their senior ad group. had i went to Ofarrell, i woulda been in that group too. drama drama. but if i did, i never woulda met rona. i remember when i borrowed Rona's pants cuz i was in sweats and it was a dress up day. ahur hur. rona turned out to be eDwin's exgirl. i knew him when he was edwin and i was maria. before dwin n mar. he's sarah's cuzzin. who i used to roll pretzels with. and she's elliot's exgirl. who was my favorite one eyed rooster( aka giant mexican cock). sarah goes to church with my exbestfriend jeanelle. who went to church with exbestfriend (but still close friend) herschel. who i've known since the early beginnings of middle school. when he had a crush on me. then i had a crush on him in 7th grade. which was the year i met edwin. edwin who ive known since the pager feen days. when we met up at plaza. when i was sposed to meet joseph. who gave my number to erik. both of which ended up as exboyfriends. and set it up w/ jeff. who lives right next door to my pledge sis mo. who lives a block away from erik's current longterm girfriend jen. who is joby's friend. who is a part of the cynicWBC that sit around my kitchen table at wee hours of the night talking about anything and everything. who got cheated out of a girl by my older bro. that one night in la jolla. when me and greg were playing with the seals. the seals that my sisters wanted to name me after. the sisters whom ive shared so many crushes with even before we all knew each other. WAAAY before we knew each other. i used to follow juanice's longtermexboyfriend when i was in 3rd grade. they came to buy a phone from me a coupla years ago. and billie from RO who is Mo's longtermexboyfriend. i knew him since they started going out. like i knew mitch when he was going out with my pledge sis angie. and a coupla months ago he went out with my pledge sis viv. but this is like 4/5 years apart. just like muriel was one of my good friends in 6th grade camp. never did receive a letter from her after that week. but she's my sista now. my CG sisters rushed AphiG too. guess decided not for them. that woulda been some crazy shit. "AND UP COMMANDER!!!" saying that to my orgi. or to my left guard at that. they used to say that to me all the time. mark used to be in RO. so was half of the people i ever socialized with. the others were strictly class-wise. melissa was a band geek turned RO dork. so was ann. we used to dance around melissa's living room trying to imitate Zorba the Greek. that was the night that we found a blonde hair in our sausage-pepperoni-italian-sausage-mushroom-pineapple-extra-cheese pizza. back when we were all cool. before the shit-talking incident. before the drama between me n ann and nemo. shit. i forgot to call nemo again. i still remember his social security number. and his pomona dorm address. p.s. he's wunna my pledge sister's exboyfriends too. sisters share everything. cuz we enjoy it. on the day that we became official, mark said "well there's one way to guarantee that your sisters wont try to take me, and that's if you tell them that i'm your boyfriend." that was just cheeseball. in high school i used to always go to school in genaro's clothes. nothing changed in my freshman year of college. and as i sit here typing this, im bummin in his a&f joggers (that i bought him the day that i received my a&f card) and old t-shirt. boy clothes are the comfiest ever. i miss jjj. he's in minnesota workin in the paint department of the 24-hour walmart. he used to be a 30 second walk up the hill from my house. and now he's a million miles away. his cat didnt like me either. i met jill through him. who introduced me to AphiG. jill's exboyfriend was in my comm class. with original-hot-boy-with-no-game. and mike from saga. they knew reggie. and genaro. when i was with nemo. original-hot-boy-with-no-game was good buddies w/ nemo. those guys were all from Saga. james is from SAGA. james who i have a relationship with that i will never understand. james who has this special magnetism to him that i cant resist but try to so hard, and sometimes resist, but i always end up calling his ass and getting dissed. james, i will never understand, and yet i know i know him, even if he thinks i dont know, because i understand him like no one else can, but he tries to change, but i can still keep up with the change, and that's why this relationship is just crazy because neither of us can ever just stop trying to confuse the other and just really say what is going on unless one or the other is asleep but is still talking. i met him while i was rollin pretzels one day. during finals week. james, original-hot-boy-with-no-game, jill's exboyfriend, and nellie came by n got some sour cream n onion pretzels. nellie works at green tea now. where i got my first boba with mark. green tea is right next to noodle house where jill's pledge sis (and my sorority sis) works. DAMN ITS A SMALL WORLD! shall i continue? or save the rest for later? i think ill save it for later.
June 3, 2002
had a GREAT time at work today. my boss was hungry, so he decided to take me out to lunch cuz 2 other asst. managers were coming in. treated out to ROCK BOTTOM. had some salad w/ AHI. what the fuck is ahi? its some sort of weird-tasting fish. bleh. wasnt protein-y enough. damn americans and their obsessive need for health. after lunch we went on a quest to find an ink cartridge for one of the many printers that corporate office sent us. they sent us 6 printers within the past week, none of which work until the one they sent us yesterday. which lacks ink. so we walked around downtown searching for a place to buy ink. 15 blocks later, we found an office depot. another 15 blocks and we were back at work. elevator was down, so we had 6 flights of stairs to conquer. damn. talk about exercise. lean salad, 30-40 block walk, and 6 flights of stairs. yeah. i think im good for the remainder of the month. p.s. when we put that sucka in, we realized that we also needed a color cartridge in order for that damn thing to work. maybe we'll go on another quest on wednesday.
there's something about walking downtown that just feels so AWESOME. makes me feel all grown up. independent. cuz here i am... with a destination. maybe if i do this enough, ill finally be able to pull off the urban look. maybe if i walk enough, i can shed these damn lovehandles... maybe even grow an ass like jan. [jan! i miss you SOOO MUCH! wednesday girl!] maybe walking around downtown ill get my big break. like run into some bit time psychologist that NEEDS me to be his intern. that would just ROCK my world.
on a side note: we need to teach foreigners how to use deoderant. ew.
finally signed onto AIM tonight. WHOA. talk about aim bombs. i didnt know you people actually missed me that much. ah yes. maybe bummin it around the house reading isnt gonna be my entire summer. make time for buddies too. bri is gettin a little antsy about hangin out. so are summa these online people. ken just passed me his cel number. we're supposed to hang out when i get lost in LA or when he gets lost in SD. and the chances of that happening? ZIP.
June 2, 2002
so i got this email from erik this morning:::
HAHAHAHHAHA. you fucking crack me up. okay no. i crack myself up. jk.
crackhead. anyway, i laughed out loud and might have guffawed when i read
that you figured out the ILYBINILWY bit. haha. fucker, no one was supposed
to get it. anyway. dude im still in san diego and dude we should hang out.
seriously, i done abandoned hope with the rest of my friends calling me.
im only not calling people cuz i dont have a car and it's kinda cheesy if
i call them and be like.. "lets go here and there" and then.. "PICK ME
UP!" ..but i dont mind if you pick me up. hahahha. i just called your
cell, well at least i think it was. you didnt say your name on your intro
thing so i dont know. and i didnt leave a message. you probably didnt
answer cuz i didnt feel like unblocking my house number. eh well. soooooo
yeah. what's wrong with my page? what do you use to view it with? i've
tested it on IE and crappy netscape from 800x600 to 1280x768. you just
have a crap comp. but yeah, i'll see what i can do. haha. whatever. anyway
so im still here in san diego till the 16th or something. so let's do
lunch. okay. smell you later Spor mar
dear erik, i figgered out that your text wasnt cut off, i just THOUGHT it was because it was all up on the side of the screen. and im not used to that. so im retarded and did the whole right click n view source thang. read up on the regular view page n compared to what i read in the notepad and realized "duh mar. idiot. it's all THERE. stupid. man. erik's dumb. what the hell is that about?" but ye. i dont pick up private calls. so either LEAVE A VOICEMAIL or text me. or hit *86. but i probably still wont pick up cuz i dont have your number saved cuz you never gave it to me. sucka. that is all.
he almost GUFFAWED!!! hahah. i wish i could post that picture of him when he guffawed, but PROMISED that i wouldnt. well technically, i never promised to post it on 52govroom.com. so technically, i could post it elsewhere. hardy har har! damnit. now if only i could find that file.
have church in an hour. must finish blogging to have time to get ready. dont know what to wear cuz of heffer status. argh. i feel like mochi.
June 1, 2002
(post script. my lola was on the phone all night)
coulda woulda shoulda... um.. HADTA! had to work my full 8 hours today. decided against it and left early. had to kick it with nemo today. decided against it and did laundry, along with some much needed mar time. coulda hung out with the galavanters. decided against it and read a couple of chapters in Bridget Jones. woulda drove around to think about current status in life. decided against it and caught an episode of Boy Meets World that ive never seen before that gave me a nice insight on relationships. woulda gone shopping. decided against it for the sake of my financial well being.
all in all, im extremely proud of myself. i stayed home and got some R&R. along the way i got to know myself a little better. its nice to be able to stay home, keep my phone on silent and not worry about the cares of others. today i was greedy. something ive needed to be for a while. no boyfriends. no exboyfriends. no almostboyfriends. no sisters. no galavanters. no cynics. just me. my books. my laundry. and my disney channel. didnt even feel the urge to sign online. didnt feel the urge to call people up to see what's poppin. (grr. had ONE urge to hear mark's voice. but that was it.) ahh yes. and tomorrow i will resubmerge myself in my hectic life. today was very therapeutic. maybe even moreso than shopping.
yesterday, while at work, i finally figured out why i've been in such a confused rut lately. i figger, that because everything in my life took such a dramatic change, all at once, i didnt believe that any of it was real. changed jobs. school. boyfriends. everything in my life made a complete 180 all in such a matter of a few weeks. all at the same time. and that's something im not used to. im used to big changes, just not all at once. i can handle a change in my love life, as long as work or school stays the same. i can handle a change in my social life as long as everything else remains the same. through most dramatic changes, i can generally remain sane. but this time... well.. you've seen the outcome. so this time, im cool. my head is level. i've targetted the problem, and now... i KNOW. everything is COOL. but thanks for staying with me through such an ordeal. i know i havent been the easiest person to deal with lately.
for you SD people, American Eagle Outfitters is opening a store in Plaza Bonita. OH THE HORROR! despite the plus of having an AE just around the way, im gonna have to deal with brain-free drones flossin my daily threads. which they will inevitably find a way to hoochiefy everything. ugh. makes me sick. BTW, not exactly sure when they will be opening it, i just got an insiders tip. who knows... maybe you'll see me sportin an asst. manager lanyard while there. you never know. haha.
cleaned off the plastic stickies offa my window today. so my room REAKS of old plastic. you know the smell. after four long years, my window is now sticker free. also took down the "I LUF GENEL" refridgerator magnets from my wall. i have yet to take down the soul-mate rings. yet to take down the pictures from senior year playing in the park with the drama-heads. yet to take down each year of colorguard on my wall. yet to take down my ceiling. (oh wait... that's NEVER GONNA HAPPEN). but maybe just replace the car posters... the STOCK posters. but if i did any of that, i would have to take down my homages to TAB-ness from middle school. regardless of how OVER that segment of my life is, it's still a part of my life. ah. im a pack rat. a sentimental one at that. how u figger, that i still have the gum from me n erik's first kiss. and that was what... a MILLION years ago? hahah.. and a fat wad of phone numbers that i never utilized. dating from middle school... back in the mall ratting/ pager feen days.
eminem is suddenly an inspiration. well, not so much an inspiration, but a window of insight. how so many aspects of a person can be so public, but yet no one understands. everyone just seems to judge, even though there are just so many sides that are portrayed. it bothers me how people can just stick to their judgements about you, not even taking into account that hey, there are more sides to me than you realize. and it's out there. i make it public. i have nothing to hide. i know that i have my flaws, but why must you focus on those flaws and not even try to accept that i good in me. im only human, just like you are. i have my flaws. i've made my mistakes. why must you judge solely on the basis of ONE aspect of me? i dont understand. i will never understand the workings of a closed mind.
bridget is beckoning me to finish her diary. i must go now.