June 25, 2003
we got our manager fired. but now her crackhead best friend is our new manager. something tells me it's time to go jobhunting.

i'm at the RBR. hmmm. maybe the cycle starts early this year. maybe. but i really need to get serious about school so i can start my life. cuz you know... i've gotten ahead of myself on one part already. gotta step it up before i get left behind again.

thank you emil. thank you erik. thank you jeff. thank you jeanelle. you four must be the only people that care. because you were the only people that bothered to contact me.

yardhouse has some goooood food. a little too fancy schmancy for what we were planning for last night. a little pricey... but whatever. it was good. nice atmosphere. but i dont think that we're just at that maturity/social/economical level just yet. we're still on the fridays/DnB/henesseys level right now. hey. at least we graduated from dennys. maybe we can hit yardhouse status in a couple of years. after my car is paid off and i have my degree with a CAREER.

my registration time is on aug 12 at 8745am. i WANT to take Organizational (321), Personnel & Industrial (320), Industrial/Organizational (319), Behavioral Neuro (360), Cognitive Neuro (362), Research Methods (301), then spanish 102 and psychological novels (english 301). that's 29 units. realistically, i would have to drop 3 classes, which most likely would be 362, 319, and 321. then again... i can't have the stress of 20 units, so i would have to drop 360 and 320. meaning i would only have required classes, and no leisurely stressful classes. i would have cognitive stimulation, but not as much as i would prefer. there are 13 extra classes that i would LOVE to take this year, but i dont think it's going to happen. which sucks ass, because i really need to decide whether im taking the money-way or the learning-way in life. it's either the I/O way or the physio way. i cant decide. and i know that if i took all of the classes that i WANT to take, i would be able to decide between the two. at this point, the 5 year plan is not an option. i've already accepted the 4 1/2 year plan. an extra semester would be a big NO.

whoops. gotta pick up my baby's daddy from work. i'll get more into it some other time. thanks maaaaaan.


06.23.03.bah.bump.bmh
Is there a way to become invisible?
You say you might but you wouldn't dare
I think it works when it's unintentional
I know you hear me and I know that you don't care
I'm not invisible

I didn't say that you were unemotional
You put it on like the clothes you wear
You've got emotion but it's one-dimensional
Your full of hate full of anger full of fear
I'm not invisible

No love is unconditional
No way to walk that line
You couldn't make it if you tried

Is there a way to become invisible?
I've done my best to be seen and heard
I'm not amazing and I'm not original
I'm not so sure did you even catch a word?
I'm not invisible

facetoface.unconditional.

bri is bald again. and i hate it. his head is like velcro. but at least he stopped scratching his neck. but ew. my boyfriend is a bald filipino that drives an integra, lives in mira mesa, works at the mall and goes to a community college on the 6 year plan. if i didnt love the guy, i'd guffaw. oh well. his girlfriend is a filipino girl from paradise hills that graduated from morse, goes to state, used to date a racer, works at the mall, drives an econo-box and got pregnant before finishing school or getting married. WONDERFUL. just call us bri and mar typical. but ya know what? we're above all that. you know it. i know it. we know it. current circumstances have no bearing. excuse us, but we're actually SURE about who we are.


June 23, 2003
it's almost JULY. wow. THIS is how i've managed to lose sight of my youth. bri & i spent the night sightseeing downtown last night. gave us a chance to recapture the same feelings we had last summer. the newness and excitement of something new. as well as i know him, and as much as we have been through together, i still get butterflies when i think about him. we had a chance to talk about more than the everyday blah of our lives, and started really talking about the future, our plans, and everything else in between. the what-ifs and the whatnots. i love that we can still do that, even after all this time.

but i guess we still do have a lot to talk about. he made me breakfast in bed this morning. washed the dishes and did the laundry afterwards. he'll make a good dad. we're both too scared to start talking about the marriage issue, but we both know how each other feels. this whole process just brings up so many issues and confusion. at this point, we just have to take things as they come, and have faith in our love for each other.

tomorrow we've planned a trip up to julian to hang out and be away from the city life. we won del mar fair tickets from 91x today, so hopefully we'll be able to go soon. FYI, NFG is playing on july 6th. bleh. maybe we'll be seein ya there. til then... TTFN. *boing*


June 20, 2003
for those who need to reach me, it's 861-5947. i should probably be more cautious about posting my number, but in all honesty, all i've learned is that you folks are just a bunch of readers. because even if you ARE or WERE a close, personal friend, the events that happen in my life dont seem to matter. because heaven forbid that you call for any reason. even be it a good one. but whatever.

so anyway. test shows positive. guess i'm gonna have to slow things down a bit. but i'm relieved, in a way. because now i dont have to stress about the "what-if"s anymore. because im sure i am. im planning to set up an appointment first thing monday morning. im still in a daze because i can hardly believe that this is really happening. but then again, everything in my life up to this point has been unbelievable. i'm NOT turning out how i wanted to turn out. but oh well... that's my life. and im accepting it.

blah. sorry. i dont post for FOREVER, then when i do, i make no sense. it's okay. home for 3 friday nights in a row. =T eh. kinda makes up for all that clubbin from last month. i need this down time.

...even if it is summer.


June 9, 2003
im not needing this kind of stress right now.

last night, after watching FINDING NEMO, me & bri were on our way home. seemed just like any other night. we were both tired from the days that we had. and were ready to crash at home. then i get rear-ended. again. cuz you know... i've had my car for almost a whole two weeks now from the shop. so i started bawling. bri didnt understand. he didnt know yet. he thought i was just upset about my car. i mean yeah... i was hella upset about the car. but i was more concerned about the baby...

i didnt want to say anything... didn't want to assume anything... but as of now... i'm convinced. the nausea. the mood swings. the bloating. the cravings. my fucking watermelon ankles. we had brunch at the broken yolk cafe in PB this afternoon to talk. and we're both terrified of what's to come. what we should do. what would be the right thing to do. everything.

but maybe we're just jumping the gun. we're not even really sure yet. BUT... it is an issue that needs to be addressed. so it was. and we've decided that we're not ready for this. but we're also not willing to give up this opportunity. as much as this will change both of our lives, we're strong enough in our relationship that we both know we can handle this.

you guys probably think im crazy. because i will be giving up a lot. my parents' trust. school. work. my youth. i have so much shit to work through before i can even be half ready for this. but you know what... i know we can do this. i know that we're making the right decision. judge all you want. but i would prefer that you be supportive of this matter.


06.08.03.zzzzzzzzzzzz.
it's 5:26am. dont fucking ask me why im awake right now. just woke up cuz the alcohol just wore off. damnit. i forgot i was still signed on. whoops. i was waiting for blogger to fucking republish and it was taking forever. it didnt finish it, by the way. so i have no post to prove that i fell asleep at 130ish. with that said...

dear erik... whoops. sorry. i forgot i was still signed on. i swear i was sleeping. why the fuck are you signing on so late anyway? oy. but whatever. i have work all day today. so just leave a message on my phone or whatever. but yeah. it's just been a while. blablabablablabla. dont worry about my bf gettin pissed that we hang out. he's not like that, remember? not like the other ones. and even if he was, he wouldnt have a right to tell me who not to talk to or kick it with. (ooooh. draaaamaaaaa) anyway, popular... i hope this doesnt turn into like the last time you were leaving... how we keep sayin that we're gonna kick it... and then never do. okay. i need to go back to sleep now. ~maR~

dear dwin... i received your message. yeah, it has been a while, i guess. sorry. i just get super caught up in my own life. blah. hope things have been going better for you. i have the same number if you wanted to just call. i know you do, and i know i dont get back. sorry. i suck as a friend. but you wouldnt wanna see my eyes right now anyway. they're all icky cuz i drink too much and dont get enough sleep. i just look like im fat and on crack. which makes no sense, but whatever. gimme a call. and if i dont answer, it's cuz im at work. ~eyes~

shit. stupid internet. stupid dial up. and it's only 5:34. so i cant even check my grades yet. bleh. k. good morning motherfuckers. rise and fucking shine. it's an ugly day... but we all gotta face it anyway.


June 8, 2003
dear ERIK...
it's midnight. and i'm signed on to aim. with the away message reading "sorry... waiting for only ONE person to sign on." that person, BTW, is you. i'm disappointed. you're not allowed to turn into me & emil and be MIA on aim. (haha... aim is mia backwards!) me, bri, emil & vanessa kicked it last night. and tonight. were just wondering why you still havent called. cuz really... we really need to kick it. thanks for CALLING me and telling me that you were back in san diego (hmm. sense the sarcasm?) cuz really... i really wanna chill. cuz yoooz cool like that. and im pretty pathetic and you're one of the few people i know that will hang out with me no matter how long it's been since we last talked or seen each other or how pathetic i've become and everything will be just peachy. i miss our conversations. and i know you have no minutes. upgrade your phone already damnit. and every time i try to text you, it gets returned to me. =( and believe me... i've been trying to text a lot lately. blah. so anyway... give me a call.
dryer lint & warm pandesal, ~maR~

that's right mother effers. i'm on aim. im ONLINE on a fucking saturday night. have things returned to normal? hmmm. something to ponder. i think i'll surf a while and see what's going on in the world.


June 7, 2003
if not to conversate, not to drink, and not to meet up with friends, or be the DD for anyone... can somebody PLEASE tell me what the point is of going downtown or pb bar&grill is on a saturday night? because as much as i hate to assume it... there are only a couple of possibilities:: a) to pick someone up. b) to avoid somebody that you know will be nowhere near the premises. or c) lie about your intentions, get piss drunk, and basically the worse case scenario.

now am i just over reacting? because i believe i asked him numerous times to spend a quiet night with me. with which he replied that he would be with his friends at his graduation party (which we JUST left from, and he has ZERO intentions on returning there). which i accepted. but being it that we just left the place... and after i asked him a final time whether he would like to spend the rest of the night with me, he quietly declined and replied that he would like to spend some time with his best friend. he's half tipsy. i asked him not to drive. but when i call to see what they're up to (with the assumption that they were getting a bite to eat), i find out that he's on the freeway. on the way to a bar. but they're not gonna drink. and you know san diego bars/clubs... you can't hold a decent conversation.

so whatever. i'm upset. upset because he's being shady about this shit when he should know better. this didnt happen before until his best friend decided to move back to san diego. not blaming the best friend. just the fact that after promising that things weren't gonna change... things have changed drastically. i've been left on the back burner. not even in the loop of what's being planned. half the time only being invited out of courtesy. the other half, just being left at home to fester with my evil thoughts. i have a right to be upset, right?

but whatever. i'm prepared for another weekend of hell. work sucks ass. the weather sucks ass. and now this stupid shit. wonderful. you know... cuz i didn't have enough reasons to cut myself.


June 6, 2003
when you spend 45+ hours with the same girls on a weekly basis, you can bet that the few of you are completely engulfed in each others' lives. add to that the fact that you all have serious relationships, and what you have before you is a pack of girls that have become codependent on each other and their boyfriends. the juniors department of robinsons may have started our own "pathetic club." we've come to the conclusions that despite the lack of empty spaces on our SIM cards, and that we SHOULD have lives outside of work and boyfriends... we don't. we have all resorted to LAUNDRY as an alternative when we are unable to hang out with our novios. laundry. or shopping. or sleeping. nobody to call. because the person that we would be calling would be HIM. as pathetic as it is... hence the title of "PATHETIC club" we've all resorted to calling each other. not the friends that we're supposed to call. because we've let our jobs and our boyfriends consume our time... that the only people that actually have a pinpoint of a clue of what has become of our personalities and our or our lives... is basically each other. we tell each other anything and everything. we experience sorrow together. experience anger and hate together. and our bond... holy shit. the syncronity [[is that a word?]] of our actions and thoughts would astound you.

but it leaves us stuck. in a job where none of us would like to be. stuck in mad cycle of shopping and scraping. stuck with each other because we're all too afraid to leave each other. co-dependent. stuck forever. UGH. it sickens me. but at the same time, i dont know where i would be without these girls.

p.s. bri&mar had a superfight over memorial day weekend. it was pretty big. for us anyway. for all you long-termers... it's like the fights you have on a daily basis. a stupid fight. because i was raggin. and he was just not gettin it. the thought of it makes me nauseous. because i can't believe we were being so neurotic. never again. i'm glad things are back in bliss-mode again.

anyway... i'm getting sleepy. once again... terribly sorry for my lack of posts. i've been writing.. i promise... just not here. and im not gonna promise to post any of it... because you know how i lag. and procrastinate. and then forget. bah. you know how it is.

p.s.s. matrix reloaded was SUCH A RETARD MOVIE. waste of time. waste of money. waste of theater space. fuck pop culture for bringing that kind of shit into my life. fuck these drones that believe that hype equals content. the amounts of "ooh"s and "ahh"s sickens me. special effects does not equal content. and there IS such thing as overdoing it. this movie is proof.


June 5, 2003
geez. i lag. sorry people. if you had a piece of shit computer that was unreliable and took almost half an hour to log on to geoSHITTIES... you wouldnt be posting much either. the last time i attempted at posting was last night. before my PC decided to freeze and never reboot. whatever.

anyhow... i feel like ive been completely detached from the outside world. the last time i talked to my brother was about a month ago. my socializing has been limited to my boyfriend, my co-workers, and my family. and whoever i run into between breaks and errands. but for the most part, call me lifeless. seriously, it's a complete turnaround from last summer. when life was carefree, connected, and summery. blah. el nino sucks ass. we dont need no stinkin cold water.

so im fat. brian's muscles shrank. and we're both at dead end jobs. BLEH. BLEH BLEH BLEH. we have until july to get things back in order. we'll see. at least we still have each other. happy. in love. and no end in sight. which is about the only good thing goin for me right now. eh.

i'll try to keep these intermissions brief. but my sincere apologies for the lack of content.