May 30, 2001
does anyone remember if there's a 31st in this month? eh.. whatever.
i was having a dream about a car accident this morning. this big ghetto van rear-ended me and tried to drive away. i got in the way so it couldnt. i got all the information and everything, but the police werent cooperating. the 911 lines were all busy and the 24-hour non-emergency police line was operated by a bunch of assholes. but here we were, in the middle of pomona, this cocky ass meheecan bitch trying to deny that it was her that hit me (hello bitch, i see the damage and i saw you in the rear view mirror you dumbfuck). then i felt as if i was moving into consciousness and out of this dream. BUT WAIT! in my head, i was thinking if i wake up now, this bitch will get away with hitting my car! it's gonna be a whole 'nother hit and run accident! my insurance is gonna skyrocket again! oh man. i was FORCING myself to stay asleep so that this imaginary bitch would pay for my undamaged car in my dream.
it was cool tho. i got an extra coupla minutes to sleep. hee.
im on a mission to buy The Sims today. after today, i have two whole days off. then a weekend without my pooh bear. gotta entertain myself somehow. i wonder if erikshun will let me borrow that Sims extra that he got. i wanna see them get it on. on the original version they censor EVERYTHING. and they do this superman turnabout to change into their jammies. who does that anyways? isnt it supposed to be like real life? bleh.
May 29, 2001
button-fly experience:: i had to pee reeaaaallly bad the other day at work. here i was, arms full of clothes, bladder about to explode, and no one in sight to help me out. then nichole comes out of the backroom. squeezed that button on my two-way "nichole i gotta pee baaaaad," drop everything and zoom to the potty. i fumbled to undo my first button and try to pull my zipper down. crap. no luck. tried harder... and i feel a little button go *POP*. BUTTON FLY! damnit. i coulda been peeing. unbutton. unbutton. unbutton. slap on the paper toilet seat cover and *WOOOOSH* ahhh. i feel better. but button flys suck.
the pity person:: so i went to the AB Samahan banquet last night. surprisingly, it wasnt as bad as i thought. karl and adrian accompanied me in my out-of-Samahan experience. we stuck around outside while they had their little speeches containing all of their inside jokes, talking about all the people that we didnt know. its sad though... cuz while we were talking... random people just stopped by and contributed to the conversation... and i realzied how nice of a person i am.... always being the one to accept an invitation when no one else would.... kinda sad how i always end up with someone that everyone is talking shit about... but eh... whatever. and i finally met this one girl that ive seen on campus a million and one times. turns out she's the pooh bear's distant cousin. we were in a coupla classes together... damn. i coulda had a good study buddy if we met earlier.
why is it that corporate offices can never care about the people whom they are supposed to serve? i watched Erin Brockovich over the weekend. it really got me thinking. and here i am... at the very bottom of the corporate ladder. just hoping that i wont get squished. ack. nevermind. words cannot explain....
5.25.01::random thoughts
* pine sol smells damn good. when i grow up, my house will be all tile and imma scrub it down with pine sol everyday. * laffing histerically outloud while you're online makes you sound crazy. but it feels daaaamn good. * i have to get The Sims. it's the coolest game ever. pooh bear hogs it whenever we're at his house. so imma get my own. XP * To our Asian parents, the concept of matchmaking is totally natural. After all, most of our grandparents were hooked up by some lady that got a cut of the gross. After the wedding, sacks of rice exchanged hands. Vows made, hymens broken (supposedly), eggs fertilized, the rice digested. Then came your parents. Ah, the Circle of Life. * the phrase "Christmas Cake" will never be the same to me ever again.
May 25, 2001
big trucks are scary. especially when you're in a leeeettle tiny car driving next to it on a narrow road. then the road begins to turn... brrr... scary shit. i was driving next to this big ass 18-wheeler on my way home from school... we started to make a slight turn.. and BAM! whamo right into this guy's big trash can. it got caught in between the wheels of the truck and was left in pieces on the driveway. poor thing. and the damn truck didnt even notice. what an asshole.
wow... i knew i was a hypocrite.. but holy freakin geez! on monday night, i will be making an appearance at the AB Samahan annual banquet. all dressed up in my nice little dress. with my date from high school. drinking soda and eating hourdourves mingling with the popular folk. my God. its gonna be high school all over again. i hated high school. but... i just gotta keep in mind that this is a favor for a friend. a favor for a friend. man... im gonna die. i hope i come down with the 24 hour flu or something. man... what a freakin pansy. damnit. can u picture it? me? the loner/ anti-social butterfly/ indie college chick at a banquet? a military banquet, i would understand... but AB Samahan... with all the pretty people... with all the filipinos.... with.... ACK! just remember not to scream....
and yes... crazy peple really are nuts. and i think that schizophrenia is dominant in my DNA (schizophrenia runs in the family... my uncles and grandpas all have it). i knew i was having an identity crisis.. but this is too much. at work yesterday.... i had the highest sales, highest numbers... and lowest hours. weird beans. considering i thought i was gonna be the failure in the group because im so anti-mall-goers-that-giggle-too-much-and-have-too-much-money-to-spend. i dunno... it kinda surprised me how nice i was and helpful to all of these customers. i kinda predicted myself to be the sales associate with the crappy numbers and always hiding out in the fitting room so that nobody would ask me for help. but.. surprise surprise... a red bull can do such wonderful things. jeanelle's mom is gonna get me a case from costco! YEY!
May 22, 2001
lately, i've received many calls informing me about this year's morse ROTC. apparently, they lost the beloved stillwell, as well as every other trophy that their predecessors have worked so hard to get. they have also tarnished the prestigious reputation that we worked so hard to establish. so what do i say? all i have to say is that i saw it coming. the lack of discipline, the lack of pride, the lack of effort that was evident during the last year that i was there. but my peers and i did our best and we kept our part by keeping the stilwell and always watching our facades. so how does it make me feel that everything that we've worked so hard for is gone? oh well. too bad. at least i wasnt the one that took the fall. they coulda done better... but they didnt. they coulda disciplined themselves... but they didnt. they coulda kept in mind everything that we tried to instill in them... but all they did is powertrip and lose control. so they lost everything. and now... nothing. they just have to deal with it. they have to deal with being the year that lost everything. they have to deal with being the year that killed the morse reputation. after almost 2 decades.... they killed the program.
May 21, 2001
i wish i could be just like erik. so funny. so unpredictable. so freakin happy that it kills me whenever i read his entries. this guy is unbollweivilble. i wish i could be that happy-go-lucky. i wish i could be completely oblivious to whats happening in the outside world, not caring about who or what or when or how, just caring about stuff i cared about when i was little... the cartoons, theme music, video games... and just being totally happy even when my belly growls.... but still be all "hey im smart but im good at hiding it behind my sunny disposition." too bad for me.
oh well. at least i stopped working 50 hour weeks. get this.. my schedule has me on for 12 hours of work this week. apparently, to AE, that's a FULL TIME schedule. corporate bastards. this is the worsetest corporate company i've ever worked for. they're tough. and they like to get all evil. all of the management there is all like... that lady that works for Dr. Evil in austin powers. she's all tactful one minute, then outta nowhere she's all "SCOTT!" in this maniacal evil militaristic tone. my management team is like that. they're all "okay, ill help you out because we're all fun and sunny and perky at this store! so have all the fun you want!" one minute... then ill stop and think for a second where something is, then they're all "maria, do you need something to do? you look a little useless right now. we dont do that in this company." in an evil dominatrix (but not the fun sexual dominatrix way) tone of voice. its scary. so scary that im all scared and forcing myself to have fun. *shivers*
May 19, 2001
12 hour shift + 3 Red Bulls + Rubios + empty stomach = diarrhea cha cha cha.
the store is finally opening on monday. parkway plaza. in el cajon. take 8 east and exit johnson. make a left when you exit. make a right at the light after you exit. park in the parking structure. (p.s. structure is going out of business) enter through the food court. make a left after the food court (just follow the cinnabon aroma. and go to the cingular KIOSK (not store) and buy a phone from Chris or Erik. then ask where you can find maria (make sure you say marIA cuz they dont know me by mar). then they'll tell you. then i can dress you up. and get you a cool lookin credit card. and ill show you everything i did. and my battle scar on my right forearm. then you can buy 3 items and spend at least $50 total. and ill get you a credit card. dont worry, there's no interest on it if you pay your balance within your 30 day grace period. and then you can walk me to flexivity and we'll go get my daily red bull. and chat with my flexivity buddies. yeah. do that. on june 10th we have a family and friends shopping day. you get 20% off of everything in the store. if you want the discount, just leave me a note at maria@52govroom.com and leave your home address so i can mail it to you. or something. its awesome. 20% goes a long way at that store. its just like getting my discount. but my discount is 50% on everything. nyanyanyanyanyanya.
im addicted to red bull. but it doesnt give me wings anymore. but i have to have a few everyday to keep me going. im like a crack addict that depends on it. bleh.
May 17, 2001
it's been really bad. and everything is eating me up from the inside. but i cant give up. im not strong enough to go on. but i cant give up. because no one else will be strong for everyone. i cant let everyone down. even if i let myself down. i cant be greedy now can i? i cant just dilly dally along and go on with my life when there is so much to be fixed. there are so many to be protected. there is so much to be done. and im the only one that will do it. because no one else will. so i have to. because it has to be done. damnit. i wish i could just give up and just let everything bad happen. but i cant do that. because it will be the same. no matter what i do, im stuck in a catch-22. if i work hard, i suffer. if i dont, i still suffer. if im idle, then i also suffer. so what can i do? i dont want everyone else to suffer. id rather suffer alone than to be a burden on someone else that is going through just as much. so what do i do? nothing. not that i can do anything. all i can do is everything.
i broke down already. and look where it has gotten me. nowhere. still stuck in the same place. because i cant do anything about my situation. im stuck. no matter how much i cry. no matter how crazy im going. no one will ever notice. because no one will ever care as much as i do about them. im just a rusty cog. everything gets done, but still... nothing.
May 8, 2001
i cant get that damn Lil Romeo song out of my head. it's so old school. and so jivin that i cant get it out of my freakin head. it should be categorized with britney spears and nsync because it gets stuck in your head. just like barbie girl. hmm... maybe it's because they're all very good nokia tunes. yes. that's probably it. i need to get myself a nokia 3390 and compose lil romeo's song. so it will stay with me forever and ever. no. that would just be bad. *shivers* scary.
hey im employed. ooh look at me. i'm an American Eagle Outfitters employee. im gonna be dressed just like an abercrombie and fitch employee. except instead of A&F, i'll be wearing AE. isnt that gorgeous? they were looking for "all-american-lookin-college-people." is that me? well you know... no. not really. maybe that's why it took them so damn long to hire me. hmm... maybe erik told them how great i interacted with white folk. or maybe adam told them how white washed i am. oh well. i got a job. thats all that matters right? my mom said not to spend a lot of money. HAH. yeah right. i get 50% off of everything. and i have another plastic devil on the way. man. this is gonna be scary.
ooh look. i just found out that wunna my plastics expire in august. that's spiffy! that one's almost paid off too. i havent used in in practically forever. only for the occasional eBay purchase. no more ebay. YEY.
i was driving around ms. daisy. oh wait.. that was my lola. and she was telling me about all of her bus adventures. for a lady her age, she "pasyal-pasyal"s a lot. ((man.. what's the english word for that again? i think it's "goes out")) so she was telling me about it all. we spent about 2 or 3 hours together in my hot little black toyota. ack. and it's BURNING outside! she also told me that my cousin Xaren has a baby. Xaren is my older cousin.. she's turning 22 this summer. we used to be bestest cousins til i moved to "the states." she got married a couple years back and now she's this successful business woman in the philippines. wow. go Xaren. her older brother is in Saudi working at McDonalds. he's making his way to Toronto. i wanna visit when he gets there. i never realized how hard it is to live in the philippines. makes me really thankful that i live here now. but its not like conditions here are that much greater. the only diff is that over here it's relatively easy to find a job. it usually is in a tourist town. but in the philippines, it's way different. it makes me sad how they're living over there. but there isnt much that i can do. the last time i sent money to my cousin, (she told me she was in desperate need of surgery. like a life and death situation, and i sent her practically what was left in my entire bank account), she used it to go gambling with her mom. and they lost it all. that really sucked. my mom's siblings keep asking her for money too. she used to send a lot of money. even maxed a coupla her credit cards. and they tricked her. only used it for gambling. so.. man.. it's hard to trust them. which sucks cuz i really wanna help. i've been so fortunate here and they're struggling over there. but what i offer, they misuse. so what else can i do?
so this whole "Xaren got married at an early age and has a baby now" thing makes me think of how my life is now. i wanna get married too. i wanna have a baby too. (me and my lola went to seafood city, and i saw all of these chubby faced little asian kids. aww!!!) but the biggest diff is that Xaren graduated already. im barely finishing my first year. damnit. how suck. but still.... i can sooooo do as good as her. damnit. my parents arent gonna buy that excuse tho.
my aerobics teacher is making us do a 3month plan. so that we can all stay in shape while we're off for the summer. yeah right. next semester, ill be back in her class fatter than ever. bloat bloat bloat. eww. that's nasty. when i hear the word bloat, it makes me think of like this giant fat swamp monster with gas bubbles all along his surface. and when he talks, his gas bubbles pop. and his voice... just screams bloat. okay. not literally... but the sound of his voice... you can just tell how fat he is.
5.7.01
Libra
Libra, you are the most charming sign. Social, sympathetic and popular, you aim to please and have a variety of accomplished friends. The spiritual, airy side of Venus rules your quest for balance and harmony, and your expensive tastes complement your aspiration to lead a luxurious, elite lifestyle. Fond of art and music, you prefer to purchase paintings, attend the opera and cultivate up and coming artists rather than produce the work yourself. Although most Librans are not considered traditionally beautiful, they usually appear attractive and stylish.
Despite your need for people, you are quite detached, tactful, and possess a cool head; you have the ability to handle complex negotiations in an impersonal manner. Some Librans enjoy turning their talent for peacemaking into contests, particularly if there is a beautiful prize at stake!
Libra needs to live elegantly -- you detest run-down, dirty environments, and find even yellowed paperbacks offensive -- so a generous paycheck is a requirement for any job you take. Many Librans choose to work in stylish settings, such as art galleries or auction houses. Judicial positions and high-ranking military occupations also appeal to Librans, who find particular satisfaction in synthesizing opposing points of view.
Definitely not a time-waster, you accomplish a great deal with only very little visible effort. Some employers will perceive this as laziness and may try to get you to put in more hours on the job. You resent close supervision of your work, though, and will usually choose subtle ways of rebelling rather than directly confronting your boss, as you tend to find blunt methods of communication artless and somewhat gross. Keep in mind, though, that what you think is subtle may appear devious to those in authority. You need a job that provides you with some autonomy, though a exclusive, high-ranking position may be a tad lonely for your social nature.
You are at your best in a relationship, and your innate flirtatiousness makes it easy for you to attract whomever you desire. In fact, your need for a romantic partner may find you committed to someone before you are really ready! If you become unhappy with your mate, you won't readily break up, but rather detach yourself by seeking amusements outside of your relationship, sometimes as a way to shake things up or test your partner's affections.
Other signs may find you a bit paradoxical; you charm, yet can become suddenly distant in a 'look but don't touch' sort of way. It is therefore important that you make commitments to people who are not clingy and have full lives of their own. Also, your love of luxury should always be taken into account when you find yourself falling in love. Don't let starry eyes obscure your need for a beautiful lifestyle!
May 7, 2001
two weeks until school is out. well... for me anyways. i have no finals this semester. so i get to pop out one week earlier than everyone else. but these last two weeks are going to be so horrible. got a lot of catching up to do in my classes? remember when i said that i really had to buckle down, concentrate, and get my shit together? i meant that for next semester. this semester just kicked my ass for some reason. at least it was only 8 units. not like 18 like last semester. *whew* but still. i still have to show my grades to my mom. =X
and yes. i'm unemployed. like really depressingly undeniably unemployed. that sucked. i really thought i had it in with American Eagle Outfitters. he told me to go to the new-hire orientation and everything. damnit. this sucks. but he never called to confirm my employment status. so for all i know... i could be employed. or i might not be. eh. well.. we'll see what happens. i think ill just give him a call back tonight and see what happened with my references. i bet that dickfuck at wetzels said that i was an unreliable worker. bullshit. im the best damn employee anyone can ever have. i just have a problem with management. argh. that's why im unemployed. damnit. this bites.
there's this girl in front of me in the lab. (all the window seats were taken. so im sitting across from other people) she has the biggest boobs. well, not really. they're just slightly larger than average. but still. she's still largely larger than me. i want boobs. not fake ones. i just wish i could develop more. not having boobs and having to grin and bare it is just like being fat and trying to hide it. ack. too much information. okay. ill stop now.
so many paragraphs. do you wonder why? i just figgered that i'll smush everything together so that i dont have to do that whole new entry thing everytime. just mix it all up like salad. oh yeah.
i saw reggie today. like.. actually talked to him. he was coming onto campus and i was leaving campus. i told him i had his shit in the car. and after he passed by, i just started laffing. well... someone said that he looked "heavy." that just cracked me up. how do you look heavy. but then i took another glance back at reggie... and he did look heavy. i was chuckling all the way to my car. those people thought i was crazy. that sucks about reggie tho. man. i bet i look heavy too. ack. freshman 15 hit me at the end of the year. go figure.
5.4.01
state is a lot smaller than i thought it would be. i can get to all of my classes with very little effort. parking isnt that bad unless you get here helluva helluva late. i keep seeing the same people over and over and over again pass me by in the halls. and these are people that i've been seeing since the beginning of the fall semester.
and yet.. it's still large enough so that i dont constantly run into people i dont like. or people i dont want to see. or people that dont want to see me. or just... people i know in general. its kind of like a sei-permeable membrane. filters everyone out for me. and people generally leave me be because i look like one of those loner types who want to be left alone with her studies. wow. what a nice school.
but then there are times like this, when i am literally on the outside looking in. well actually, im on the inside looking out. im at my favorite computer, where i have a perfect view of the middle of campus. i see everyone. and i can see such a diversity of people. of groups. of friendships. its like having a God's view of college. they dont know im watching, but im watching. and they're all expressing themselves as if no one is watching. oh look. my entire group of high school buddies that attend state. just walking along. no problems. no noticing that their little friend is sitting here watching them. times like this, i miss being a part of the group. but i also love this solitary life. i smell pizza hut. damn im hungry. time to take a nap.
5.4.01
in the event of my death, i would like to wish all of my friends and family a warm, loving goodbye. miss me, but dont stop living. just because i stopped, it doesnt mean that yours will come to a halt. keep me as a memory, but not as a reminder. for i would want to be remembered for the person that i was, the good that i have done, and the people that i have loved and have loved me in return. i do not, however, want to be kept as a reminder of who was always screwing things up, or as a constant reminder that life does end. it would be best to keep me out of mind for the remainder of daytime living, and as a keepsake in your dreams. continue to love me as i will you, but do not love only me, because then you would rob another of your love.
May 4, 2001
shopping with a girl 101
why is it that girls and guys always have a different take on shopping? it should be the same for both sexes right? you go to a store, decide which color, fabric, cut, and shape you would like. pick something out from the very minimal selection that the "diverse" stores in the mall have to offer, rip out the plastic or cash, and move on to the next store.
if you think about it, both guys and girls have to consider all of the same things. price, color, flattery-level, style, and comfort factor. that's it right? you still have to decide if you want it. you still have to decide if you need it, can afford it, will fit in it, and all that other shit. guys and girls do it all the same. cuz we're all picky. we all want to have nice things. we all want what we buy to be at a reasonable price, look good on us, and still look nice.
so why is it that when a guy hears the words "let's go shopping" leak out of their girlfriends mouths, they run screaming? hey damnit. we dont expect you to freakin buy everything for us. and hey... you know you need some shit too. if you can't afford it right now, then ask. im sure your girl will be happy to cater to your needs (yeah.. i can hear all of you ladies laffing).
okay. solution to all of this? make it as enjoyable for you as it is for her. if you have no dinero at the time, try "honey, i dont have money yet. can we go next week when i get paid?" or "babes, can you spot me?" or something. no style? let her dress you up. the perk to that is that she's willing to buy what she puts on you. no time? shut up. there's always time. she's irritating when she goes shopping cuz she goes into every freaking girl store there is in the mall and looks at every rack and can never decide on anything? here's a tip: girls love getting feedback. go into the store with her, pick something out that you would like her to wear (but please keep in mind that what she will be wearing will also be seen by millions of other testosterone-driven guys), and she'll be a much easier shopping companion. she gets her clothes. you get some eye-candy. the store gets their money. everybody wins.
guys have that shallow, superficial, picky side too. just in different tastes. so shut up.
quicklink::
Sneak Peak to NEW Iczer Page
May 2, 2001
imagine this car with it's front and rear bumpers completely torn off. it's headlights punched in. it's paint completely scratched, chipped, and dulled. imagine how the license plates dangle by a single thread of fiberglass. imagine the interior blackened by the dirt from the tow yard. and lastly, imagine this car sitting awkwardly in my next door neighbor's front yard, with no other cars in sight. some bastards demolished the car on the night of 4.29.01. and then they drove off. left evidence of a late model BMW 325i. the rear of their car smashed into the rear of our car, sending it flying over the sidewalk curb and into another yard. it was supposedly an accident, a neighbor said that his friend's car was left unattended and the parking brake was off. but how could this alleged accident completely miss my dad's car, which was 2 yards directly behind our car? how the FUCK did that car ram that fucking hard with the back of his car? and where the FUCK are the driver, the friend, and everything else? and why the fuck are his damn friends sitting in another car up the street laffing their asses off?
the cops came about 4 hours into our vigil next to the car. they asked what happened. were skeptic about our "story." and gave suggestions on what happened. i know what the fuck happened. and you dont fuckin believe me. those bastards at the top of the hill did this shit. and now you're letting them laff at us. DO SOMETHING! THIS IS YOUR FUCKING JOB! but... we have no solid proof. and i know those assholes are gonna lie through their teeth. smile and grin at the nice officer and pretend like you havent done shit. and those officers... can never resist a smile. can never turn their backs on their fellow negros. can never believe that just because these filipinos have a nice car, that these filipinos are looking for someone to blame for this insurance scam that they're trying to pull. bullshit. fuck you pig. fuck you because you wont help us. fuck you because you wont fucking do your job. and fuck you for not believing us.
that was some shit. you dont understand the extent of my anger that night. you dont understand how traumatizing that was. and you dont understand how badly those bastards are gonna suffer for doing this. karma will get a little help from me. those green eyed crackheads are gonna get what's coming to them. and ill be there for their fall. just as they were there to watch us suffer. everything comes back to you times 3.
oh yes. and the insurance estimate was only $4042. which is only 2/3 of what they gave us last accident. but the amount of damage for this accident is far greater than the extent of the damage from the previous accident. stingy bastards. and they made us pay the deductible. fuck. this is some shit.
seems like everything that could possibly go wrong has been lately. i dont understand why. i dont understand how. and i dont know what i can possibly do about it. all i can do is sit and watch and wait to see what will happen next. we're doing our best to stay positive. but it's just not working. it seems as if the more optimistic i become, the worse things get. it was never this bad before. there was always a silver lining that i could look to. but now... nothing. i'm unemployed. broke. the car that me and genaro treat as our child is fucked up beyond belief. and nothing. nothing to look forward to. no one there reassuring us that everything will be fine. nothing. nothing. nothing.