5.31.02.home.from.mark
really getting into Bridget Jones's Diary. its like reading a blog... except OFFLINE. picked up a few quotes... funny shit.
Valentine's Day purely commercial, cynical enterprise, anyway. Matter of supreme indifference to me.
I shall be poised and cool and remember that i am a woman of substance and do not need men in order to be complete.
Maybe the Smug Marrieds only mix with other Smug Marrieds and don't know how to relate to individuals anymore. Maybe they really do want to patonize us and make us feel like failed human beings.
It is proved by surveys that happiness does not come from love, wealth or power but the pursuit of attainable goals.
more when i get em. dont worry... i hi-lite as i go. makes it easier to remember where the good parts were.
reading is FUN! i wish i had more time to read. p.s. i need to take a picture of my "TO READ" stack. its climbing slowly. the stack is almost a whole foot tall. shows you how much i LAG when it comes to reading. and that's just for entertainment. eep. argh. nm.

im such a fucking COW!

May 31, 2002
i was doing some random clicking today. other peoples' links n all. its nice how small this world is. everyone is connected somehow in this intricate world wide web. ofcourse, i dont have the balls to link these people. although i would really like to. but i know you guys. how you like to click on the people i click on and somehow connect our lives. no thanks. i think ill keep this one to myself. maybe when things settle down then ill add them to my link list. but just so you know, i will begin to read these people on a daily basis. just dont want yalls to start reading too. i know im greedy. but this is shit from my past.
i came across a few people's sites that i had a not-so-recent falling out with. some high school shit, some college shit. some that i would rather not look back on. because they were real friends. and sometimes... i dont know. old friends are so much harder to get back with than random acquaintances that you just happen to meet up with again. i really cant verbalize it at 7am. but i know you know what im talking about. we all have skeletons in our closets.
but it just makes me think. i see that they have lives of their own. much separate from mine. well obviously, because if it wasnt, then you would know about it right? yeah. exactly. but as of late, ive been getting in touch with people in my past. its wild to see how much all of our lives have changed since high school. reunion is gonna be a bitch. ive been strolling through my past. comparing it to where i am at this point in my life. amazing to see how your expectations for yourself can be compromised in such a short time. you know what i mean. did you ever expect yourself to be at this point in your life? is this how you saw yourself 6 years ago? because i sure as hell dont. i pictured my life so much differently. but ive gone and skewed into another tangent. what was i talking about again?
ah. yes. how everyone has their own lives separate from what and who they were back in high school. a lot of people have evolved. finally grown up to see that there is life beyond high school. beyond hanging out with friends doing nothing. finally beginning to see that love is a possibility in life. growing up outta the toys-r-us kid mentality. life isnt all fun and games. parents arent always gonna be there to support your ass your whole life (although many that ive come in contact with lately still hang on to their parents bank accounts for dear life). moving out of your parents' pad is inevitable in pursuing your own life (even though i have yet to leave the nest). but its cool. to see everyone finally maturing. i mean... at least for college kids. cant wait to see everyone graduate... wonder what everyone's gonna end up doing. i wonder what ILL be doing. graduate school hopefully... if i can afford it... if i can get my GPA back up.

saw the 311 video for "amber." reminds me of the summer 1 DVD for american eagle. i miss that shit. pac eyes n tees is cool and all... but there isnt half as much to do as there was at AE. not as fun. but i can deal. i would quit, but right now i have too many financial obligations. [on a side note, i had a dream last night that mark (my boss) got an offer to manage the pic-n-save. and he was ecstatic about it. funny shit. p.s. ABERCROMBIE in horton plaza opens today. wondering if i should stop by. but their new shit doesnt come out for another 2 weeks. there i go with the tangents again] but ye. amber is the color of your energy. i love that video.

lifestyle changes. [side note:: i know this post is getting long. just leave already. i dont need you to read me to validate my postings.] seeing that 311 video makes me want to go back to that kick back style. wait... im still there. but with my sisters trying to teach me how to be hoochified. and me working at PET's... ive been straying. right now, i wanna be urban. not coast-y. argh. i dont know. i cant even decide on a lifestyle. i wanna do them all. bt i know i wouldnt be able to pull it off. people would just think that im confused. well i am. fuck. nevermind. i like dressing in all AE/A&F. surf/skate style isnt really me cuz i dont surf/skate. urban? getting there. i have yet to take a walk downtown by myself. on monday i will. ALL BY MYSELF!!! i have to... cuz imma be the opening manager. i wanna bring my scooter... but i think the downtown people might get pissy. AE/A&F style doesnt include scooters either. maybe ill dress urban. ack. i feel so GIRL right now... fucking trying to decide what the wear. WHAT THE FUCK??? this isnt me. i just roll out of bed and throw shit on. whatever style emerges... so be it.

i need a haircut.


5.30.02.almost.midnight.
dear ERIK, i doubt that you still read this, but just so you know, i still read you. i decided to just right click and view source to read you. and you know what? it worked. haha. shows you desperate i am for contact. argh. but go figger... my aim isnt working. sorry dude. but you know.. you DO have my cel number. put it to good use sucka. oh. by the way.... ilybinilwy= "I LOVE YOU BUT IM NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU" i got it right? yeahhhh!!!! took me a whole 10 minutes to get it. YEY!!! i get a nice fat pat on the back! woop woop. at least i get that. i never got that damn roll of dimes for my peoples signing your guestbook. cuz you know... NONE OF MY VIEWERS EVER SIGNED YOUR GUESTBOOK!!

another moment of SUCKNESS::: rolling pennies and being short ONE PENNY for my very last roll. took forever to find one penny to finish off that roll. go figger, the bank wouldnt have missed it. but hey... honesty yo. not gonna sacrifice my integrity. that sucks for the bank too. but iono. decided to finally break open the piggy bank for the month. i know its a day early, but i wouldnt have time for it tomorrow. came up $32.50 in coins for the month. see what that pocket change can turn into?! word of advice for the poor college students in the same sitch::: get a piggy bank. make it a nightly ritual to empty out pockets into the pig. break open at the end of each month. that's food money for a week.

i feel bloated. water weight gain. need to lose 5 pounds by sunday. yargh. i smell spam.

5.30.02.done.archiving.
congrats JEFF!!! you are now the biggest source of traffic for me! bringing your percentage to an impressive 18.96% that's how much traffic you bring me homie. thanks! see that? and you even get a post just to recognize you for your efforts. nah. you're just popular and your viewers are curious. i wish mine could be like that. (HINT HINT!!!)

dear erik, i just wanted you to know that your page is VERY difficult to view. i cant see like HALF of the text that you post. and its making it very difficult. can you please fix that? it would be very much appreciated. THANKS! and p.s., thanks for not calling me while you were in san diego. sucka.

May 30, 2002
turns out that it was TOO MUCH TRAFFIC that caused my place to shut down for a few days. thanks for the traffic guys... i mean it makes me feel special and all... eh. i dont know. whatevers. at least everything is back up right? YEAH! all gravy baby. and i can retrieve files. YEYEYEYEY! all i need is my past. eep!

amber is the color of your energy. well, according to my mood ring, amber is the color of "anxieties, nervousness, and strain." woaaahhhhhhh. so does that mean that amber is negative? err... iono. go figger. but my mood is usually dark blue... making me very happy, in love, passionate and romantic. woop woop. i have a boyfriend that can vouch for that.

hmmm. okay. i have some archiving to do. peace you laters!


May 23, 2002
sorry guys, but imma be MIA over the weekend. i highly doubt that ill be running into any internet-ready computers during conference. i apologize for my absence... but hey.. i know yalls gots some lives of yo own. live your lives sucka! yeah. like you give a fuck. aww. fuck you too. asshole.
just kidding. i love you too.

got some MOCHI today!!! thank you eDWIN for turning me on to those little ice cream balls. that's the shit. turned the galavanters on to it too. guess we'll be on galavanting quests to find mochi from now on. got some boba after the mochi. boba just doesnt cut it after mochi. its just too damn good. sorry boba tards.

is it me? or is my blogger LACKING some valid vocabulary and content? i used to be on this dictionary kick. word-of-the-day kinda thang. and now? straight G to the HETTO. (silent H) im in need of some serious intellectual conversation. but everyone just seems to be falling off the face of the planet. most of the original bloggers seemed to have found significant others or just straight disappeared into oblivion. err... or they've just LACKED in entries. damnit. the internet is littered with brainless fucks that have nothing stimulating to say. AIM is bombarded with little "azns" and middle aged white men that are just trying to hook up. ICQ is seeking no one. AOL is superfucking LAME. aa sucks. 107 sucks. findapix is close to interesting, but is just downright brain-numbing addictive.... it's internet CRACK. most of the cool people online got chased away by the massive rush of idiots that call themselves peoples.
these fuckers need to grow the fuck up. MATURE damnit! MATURE! ugh. makes me sad to see how minds are getting as small as this fucking world. yeah, everyone is getting closer connected, but it's just making everyone SO FUCKING RETARDED. damnit.

but i dont wanna end on a bitter note. this weekend is gonna be BOMB! tomorrow i get to spend the day with my favorite person in the world.... and the night n weekend spent with the most awesomest sisters in the whole wide world. and some rho dawgs to add spice to it all. hopefully there'll be some guest appearances by some dark boys. oooweeeee! being greek fawking ROCKS!

quick update:: JEFF congrats!! you get me 0.76% of my traffic. *clap clap clap clap* take a bow. this is YOUR moment!

hotness:: being linked by total strangers
hotness:: landing the PRESIDENT of team solo
hotness:: landing a dedicated member of SFL (single-foe-life)
hotness:: skipping happily down the street with mochi-filled cheeks
hotness:: loaded corolla. stock. keepin up with a wanna-be-fucking-racer trying to impress his ugly excuse for a girl.
hotness:: the dark boys
hotness:: being a geek/dork magnet
hotness:: rockin a costco card


May 22, 2002
JAN!!! i am so proud of your latest blog! im glad you know exactly what you want, and arent settling for anything less. you deserve to be happy, and i know the lucky guy that meets your standards is gonna be very happy. giiiirl... i have pics from "pass the courvosier." cant wait to see u on friday girl! I MISS YOU!

i finally have a good grasp of everything in my life. i have full control of what happens. i have what ive always wanted. im living the life that i planned. so why is it that im questioning it all of a sudden? too good to be true? maybe. or maybe im just in denial of what's really going on.
if i looked at myself from my high school perspective, i would have shot the self that i know now. i became the girl that i hated in high school. sorority girl. giggly. mush around my boyfriend that's almost a foot taller than me. working retail. going to school at SDSU. partying. getting drunk. shopping excessively. material things make me feel better. cell phone permanently attached to my ear. nails done. toes done. hyped up super import. listening to nothing but what's popular on the radio and cheesy love songs. FUCK. i wanna shoot myself.
but that's the girl i wanted to become when i was in middle school.
i know who i am. i know what i want. so how come im so confused when i look at the life that im living? [shit. maybe the schizophrenia that runs in the family is gettin to me early] i finally know what those SNOBALICIOUS FUCKS feel like when they get all the attention. i finally know what it feels like to be in the scene. this is what i lacked in high school. this is what i lacked my whole life. and now that i have it, im sort of lost on what to do with it. part of me wants to throw it all away and start over. get back into my SCRUB mode and work my ass off to become that bitch at the top of the ladder. the other part of me wants to keep the life that i have now. being mediocre isnt so bad. at least i have fun. and i have sisters that love who i am. and i have a boyfriend that loves me.
but that's just it. im trying to justify my mediocrity with happiness. by nature i want to be at the top. and that's not where i am right now. the path that im walking on isnt gonna get me there. i really need to get my fucking priorities straight. i need to re-structure my path while retaining my personality. i like the bonds that i have right now. but everything that im acting on isnt gonna get me to where i wanna be.

that's IT! i just lost track of my path in life. i just gotta get my shit straight so i can get over this fucking identity crisis. sorry guys. i've been doing that a lot lately. but please understand that this journal is primarily for the benefit of my sanity. you guys are just an added bonus.


5.21.02.*kaput*im.dead.
im SO on the edge of deadblogger status that its not even funny. i gotta take some sort of form. being mush is taking over me, and im scared of falling into that lull of being a part of a couple. WHERE ARE YOU MAR??? err... or more importantly, where is MARIA? couple-dom is great and all.... especially when you're happy with the person that you're with... but as of now i feel like its completely consuming me and taking complete control of my actions and mind. UGH!
okay. i have to get over this. this blog is my way of maintaining my sanity. fellow bloggers are my eyes into the world of others. the internet world is so vast and i havent even begun to touch on even a part of it. i dont want to disappear. i dont wanna be a deadblogger. one of those boring FUCKS that just talk about their fucking bf/gf. my life is NOT gonna be centered around one person.
fuck. but i like being mush. i like spending most of my free time with boyfriend. i like that he completely consumes my thoughts. all that couple shit makes me happy.
but being that person constitutes a total change in my personality. and i know that that's not me. i have to retain balance in my life. i just have to keep telling myself that... ugh. i dont know.
but it's okay. because it's just the beginning. things will slow down a bit. and that's when i can get back to my own life. and everything will be just fine. no more identity crisis. i KNOW who i am. and right now... im just letting one aspect of my personality dominate. yeah... that's what it is. EXACTLY!
BAM! SCORE! i figgered it out! woop woop! thanks guys! you rock.

hotness:: realizing that you are who you really think you are.
hotness:: hyper drunks
hotness:: getting a compliment on your personality before you get a compliment on your looks
hotness:: getting a compliment on your personality AND your looks
hotness:: spending too much time and too much money at the book store
hotness:: 6' chinoy in a baby blue AE original polo workin at mission valley anchor blue
hotness:: ladies of alpha phi gamma

5.21.02.work.sucks.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TRIPLET!!! ms. lora fong, you ROCK! happy 21st sis... live up to your freak-family status! YEAAHHHHH!!!!!!

the past week hasnt been so bad. wake up at 8:30, get my ass out of bed and be downtown by 10am. parking sucks. but the traffic has been relatively lacking. i get off at 4pm, just in time to hit the early bird traffic. not so heavy, but it is still present. next week, i start work at 8:30. meaning that i have to get up at an excruciating hour of the morning to face the nitty gritty rush hour traffic. get off at 5, to hit the peak of everyone desperately scrambling to get the fuck out of downtown. ahh... i feel like a grown up! ... except without the business suit.

this weekend kicks off the annual alpha phi gamma national conference. i get to see my sisters from across the country and we get to have one giant weekend slumber party. friday night we get to hang out with the gentlemen of pi alpha phi. they were est.'d in 1929... and they're having their national conference.... HOT DAMN!!! AphiG and PAphi UP IN HEA! UP IN HEA! talk about cockfest... im guessing a 10:1 pineapple to aphiggirl ratio. but you know what? AphiG can hang! this is one of those times when i kinda wish that i was single.

but im glad im not. cuz my boyfriend rocks. and i rock his socks.

May 21, 2002
those three little words. in our society it seems like its been thrown around so much that it no longer has meaning. its been used. abused. mistreated by teeny boppers and their lack of a better expression to dedicate their hormonal imbalances to their partner. dont say it unless you mean it. and please... make sure you know what it is before you say it.
what am i saying. i feel so hypocritical right now. because ive been known to use and abuse that phrase. ... err... but not lately. but that was high school shit. tales of the past that consisted of nothing but puppy love and school girl crushes.
im so tempted to publish the lyrics of "More than Words." but i think ive done that entirely too much. probably 5 or 6 times ... bleh. if you look through the archives, you'll find the words. but that song... just bears so much meaning. because love IS more than words. but just hearing it coming from the person that you love... just makes the world a much happier place to live.

oatmeal with no lumps. im MUSH. but i just cant help it. having the DEVOTION cd on repeat doesnt help either.

ofi says:: There are somethings that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind, but keep in mind that letting go is not the end of the world, but rather it's the beginning of a new life.

"if you love something, let it go. if it doesnt come back, then it was never yours to begin with." and what if it does come back? what if HE comes back? then he's yours. meant to be. this is love. so dont let go of it a second time. it's like us. but i walked into YOUR store. it was fate working her tricks. it was time that gave us wisdom. and its love that will keep us together.



May 20, 2002
and drunkness says::: mar is a HYPER DRUNK. hyper drunks generally walk aimlessly and constantly fall. they say what is on their minds, but are usually happy thoughts. hyper drunks are the most entertaining drunks to watch, because they are usually making asses of themselves and dont realize it. hyper drunks generally feel like they dropped E. hmmm... i wonder how i woulda felt had i had some red bull.
formals was fucking AWESOME. thank you mark for being my escort. thank you for taking care of my drunk ass throughout the night. thank you for being an awesome boyfriend. i love you. and you know it.
i thought i would be an emotional drunk. you know the type... crying for no fucking reason, bringing up everything just to argue and cry through them. ack. im so happy that im not. yippee!!!
and fellas.... smirnoff is now my best friend. PASS THAT SHIT OVER!!! i was still craving in the morning. but damn... im WEAKSAUCE!!!

okay. sorry for the inconsistency. but a lot went on. i remember everything, i just dont feel like posting everything. if you were there, it was awesome. if you werent, you missed out on one of the best nights/mornings of my life. i love you mark.


May 16, 2002
mark & maria
who really needs a label? apparently, my BOYFRIEND does. yeah you heard right. i have a boyfriend. again. im still letting it sink in. cuz you know why? im his FIRST girlfriend. WOOP WOOP! oh the pressure! the pressure!
but suffice to say, i am one happy motherfucker. im done with school. i have an amazing boyfriend. my sisters rock. i have a new job. my parents are on a lenient streak. i have a FLOOR in my room. and a visible couch. life is good. mark is just the cherry on top. (actually, IM the cherry on top... get it? cuz my name is cherry? and im the girl? nm)
watched EPISODE 2. that's right. on OPENING day. and i had leg room to spare. we had to drive all the way to mexico to watch, but ey... shut the hell up. did YOU watch on opening day? didnt think so. so shut the fuck up. i really need to watch the other 4 episodes so that i understand the story. but... work in the morning! so i need to get my ass to sleep. the morning grind is not a happy place to be functioning on lack of sleep.
whatever. im in paradise (valley). its not even gonna matter to me tomorrow. EEP EEP! yeah.. you heard me. EEP!


5.15.02.military.payday.
thanks lenny for giving me 1.44% of my traffic. come on people... LINK ME!!! see what happens when im linked? you get yo recognition as soon as you get me at least 1% of my traffic. woop woop.
did anyone ask for an individual? a WHOLE person? not a half of a couple? well you gots one RIGHT HEA! [ed. note: i just remember i have 6 chapters to read tonight] after 4 years of being tied down, i had my doubts about myself too. but the biggest tipoff that i got that i am SOOO not dependent on being in a relationship:: i didnt have a rebound. didnt even need one. dont even want one. [well i wanted one, but that feeling was fleeting] and the fact that i was completely UNPHAZED about the break-up... speaks for itself. you know me. im not a cruel, cold-hearted bitch. he meant something to me. it just wasnt right. being able to recognize that... and finally smartening up to the fact that it wasnt right... and taking action on it despite the consequences... says a lot right? because im strong. i know i am. and i know who i am. i know exactly what i want (okay, no i dont... but im speaking generally.. as in life.. i know what i want in LIFE). and i know that i can do whatever i put my mind to (except make a decision). and i know that whatever happens and whatever life decides to chuck at my head... i know that i will do the right thing. cuz im a smart girl. i may not act like it sometimes, but i am. IM A GENIUS! (right big bro?) okay... not to that extent, but im a smart girl. i know my shit. but im also human (well, half at least... cuz im bionic... err... or was that boinkotic? j/k). [ed. note: my lil bro just walked in with an egg sandwich foe me. wow!] sandwiches are GREAT!
ah yes. i know... not making sense. it would if you had a talk w/ me late night a couple of nights ago. err... or if you're jan. okay i swear ill stop.

i have a hankerin for some marble slab.

"why look back? the future's out THERE!" ~~~Pacey Witter, Dawson's Creek

May 15, 2002
only in dreams
orange juice. i remember that that's james's favorite. i dont know why i rmember that. but along with it, i remember crying that night when he told me that. i dont know why was crying. but i was. what happened that night james?

physiologically, dreams have no meaning. dreams are random neurons firing to form memories. they're completely random and unconnected. but our brains dont like discontinuity, so it attempts to put that randomness together... thus creating a dream. so when you have that sudden jump from your momma's house to the girl's locker room in the middle of gym class, that was your brain not being able to connect those two thoughts.
so now the question is... you know those dreams that make perfect sense? the ones that you wake up from feeling clear-headed (not airheaded)... if they were just random neurons firing, then why does it make so much sense? my theory is that whatever you're dreaming about consumed your entire thought process that day. youwere so caught up in whatever you were doing or who you were with that it carried over in your dreams. strengthens the implementation of that memory in your brain. sometimes a good thing, sometimes not. the other night i had a very vivid dream about mark. good thing *wink wink*

bah... just call me velveeta. (cheesy mush) i just cant help myself. *BANG!*

hotness:: having a boba slush named after you
hotness:: rockin sweats to get carne asada fries
hotness:: spazzing when you get touched in that way
hotness:: kissing your momma goodbye when you leave
hotness:: being filipino and arriving ON TIME!
hotness:: being the only person with a special ring-tone on my phone
hotness:: michael rosenbaum and kristin kreuk
hotness:: being an APPROVED sacrifice
hotness:: being able to be sacrificed
hotness:: being velveeta ON ACCIDENT!
hotness:: velveeta with a BANG!


5.14.02.sudden.burst.of.happiness
thanks kristine for opening my eyes to the fact that.. yes... SDSU people are the first FUCKS that end spring term! WOOOO!!! i just wanna jump up outta my seat and yell "HEY MOTHERFUCKERS! BE HAPPY! WE'RE DONE AFTER THIS WEEK!" but i think that would get me shot. but i dont think these people even realize that we're SOOOO outta here after friday... or whenever their last finals occur. AH YES. the freedom of summer. i can just taste it. i have no fucking idea what the hell im gonna do with all of my time, but im for damn sure not gonna miss the confines of this hellhole that they so proudly deem as an institution for higher learning. aww fuck that. higher learning my ass.
bah. ive been blogging for far too long. i promised myself i would get my ass back to studying at 11:30 for my poli sci 320 exam. but the way i figger.. as long as i can pull a 65 on that exam, then im good to go w/ a B. if i can pull an 80, then i get an A. frankly, i could care less what grade i receive in that class. that class was a waste of fucking time, and im glad that i didnt attend it very often. that time was much better spent w/ sisters or the internet. screw political science. im not a citizen. i dont need to know this shit.

May 14, 2002
p.s. everything is FINE. late night talks are always good. no inhibitions equals complete honesty. and uncovering mysteries of the past is always nice too.
you know what has to be one of the worst feelings in the world? getting UNLINKED!!! aww fuckin HELL NO! there was once a time when i could click on any of many sites and see my pretty little link. ah yes. 52govroom.com. marfiles. and now.. such a rarity. i must start playing guestbook ninja again. i mean.. thanks guys.. for yalls that still have me as an active link n all... but its just not enough. =( i used to get around. aww. that makes me sad. i guess im not interesting anymore. yeah. its okay... i noticed that too. go figure. lack of time = lack of content.
no one loves me anymore. i think im gonna go cry in the corner and weep my pathetic ass to sleep.

yeah right. fuck that. quirkiness turned into cynicism. its an ugly thing.

i gotta get my ass back in gear because this personality is just not cutting it. where are all my minty farts at? where did all of the confucious quotes go? aww hell.. ill even take socrates. once again, mainstream culture has struck down the heart of yet another indi... fuckin findapix.

must. retain. personality. no. more. findapix. must. expand. audience. THUD! bah. i miss will santos.


May 13, 2002
okay... this one is for YOU. this time, there's no translating to be done. no hidden messages. anything and everything i write in this post is for YOU. and YOU alone. so everyone else that is not YOU.. go ahead... PEACE OUT. because you dont wanna hear the shit im about to spit out.

(are they gone yet? okay. let me begin) i know i dont like to talk. and you know i like to avoid things as much as possible. but thats my nature. if you want me to change that, its not gonna be a problem. im good at change. and im quick at it too. im just not good at handling it in other people... mainly, YOU. you confuse me like no one has ever confused me before. and i just wanna say "fuck it. this takes too much effort." i dont handle confusion very well. even if there's some logical, psychological explanation to it... i dont care. because in my eyes, its something that you can get over. if i can get over it, then you can get over it. but when you do that shit, it puts ideas in my head taht i dont like to be in there. it plays on a fear that i have. whatever you're doing to supress that same fear by doing the things you do, it just builds up on my fear. and there's gonna be a point that when you do it... im just gonna run away and hide forever. you said you lost me once, and you dont want it to happen again. well think about how you lost me the first time. and think about what you're doing now. pet peeve. pet peeve. i dont like not being in control as much as you dont like it. and i know that you need to have it, so for the most part, i LET you have it. (well sometimes i just cant decide... but that's not the point) point is, im giving you the control. so use it wisely. you know how i feel. and if you dont, just ask. its not that hard. but when im all happy and shit.. then you just DISS me like that... what am i supposed to do? just be happy and not care that you're not happy with me?
hey.. think of it this way.. you're not losing your identity, you're adding to it. i hate what couples do too. im with you. and we dont have to be like that. cuz when we're like that... i dont know.. you're not yourself. i wish you would be tho. i like the person that you are. dont change that just because... well just dont change it. shoot me for all i care. there are times to be shot, and there are times to be ourselves. JUST STOP THINKING ABOUT IT so much and let it flow. i know the YOU inside when you're with me is screaming to come out. let him out. i wanna play too. but when we're into couple mode, he never wants to come out and play. but i want him to. i like im. i like how playful he is. how quirky. it sucks when we're getting shot at and he's not around. it makes it so much funner to be shot when he's around. i dont know. maybe we should just stop with all of this couple shit. if that's what it takes for you to be normal again... then FINE. no more couple shit... only when it's appropriate. only when we cant get shot. but its up to you. i put everything in your hands because i trust your judgment. i trust you with whatever will happen. i trust that you know what i want and you'll do what makes us both happy. i want you to be happy too. dont let your fear get to you. its been a long time. that's all high school shit in your head. dont let that high school shit get to you. we're here now. we finally got what we wanted. now what do you want to do about it? "self sabotage" dont pull that shit on me. i only have so much of a tolerance for it. you know i hate it when you dont get back. even if the reply is gonna be wack... i dont care. i just wanna hear your voice. or feel you in your text. you know ill make time too. you know when im available. "ill be there in 5 minutes" im not in the philippines. just a phone call away. or even a text.
i just want you to know that im here. for you. only you. if you wanna throw away my game pieces, then let me know. but they're entertaining when you dont get back. keep that in mind. while the cat's away, the mouse will play. okay... not really. more like... when the cat's not giving the mouse the attention that she needs.... its time to play with the other mice. but as long as the cat is chasing the mouse, then the mouse cant play with the other mice.
call me after you read this. and remind me of what i said. but everything is pretty much there. i should remember it all.


5.12.02.astrology.is.fun.
this is TOMORROW'S horoscope. i just thought i would share w/ you. since i know how much you crave mark&mar tidbits. (joke lang. but i couldnt help myself)
Pisces::: Someone chooses to keep his or her private life under wraps. Ships pass in the night, never knowing what might have been. Put this sad affair behind you. Do something for yourself, and watch that attractive glow return.
Libra::: Your prospective lover gives you all the clues you'll ever need. Waste no time getting next to the one who beckons so urgently. Longtime partners break the bad habit of ignoring each other. You're here and you're ready. What else is there?
i better get to studying tonight. seems like tomorrow imma have to do a lot of talking. yes? or no? YOU tell me.
i thought these were interesting too...
BRI::: You know you're worth having. Anyone who can't figure that out may not be worth your time. The best lovers are also best friends outside the realm of sexual politics. Physical intimacy is more the result than the cause of why you're together.
GENARO::: There are so many fish in the sea that your net will never come up empty. You're not impressing anyone with those tall tales of the one that got away. Instead of dwelling on your failures, consider your prospects for success.
taking into consideration everything that's been happening lately.. i just cant help but laff.. oh so true! SO TRUE! that's some knee-slapping good fun.

May 12, 2002
hotness:: cruisin down plaza blvd munchin on salted, pepper chicken wings from Royal Mandarin.
hotness:: hauling ass from mira mesa to mission valley so the boba in the MARs doesnt freeze.
hotness:: jeans, t-shirt and flip flops
hotness:: bonding time w/ your momma

so the one day i decide not to wear flip flops is the one day that i get to church late and have to stand in the hallway. bah. my feet dont hurt, but it woulda been nice to be able to sit down instead of standing in wedge heels in the heat and not being able to move more than 2 inches because the other late people are squishing you against little kids that are as tall as your boobs. next time, ill wake up a wee bit earlier.
check it out... im online again posting. go figure. i need to stop this shit. STOP LAFFING BRIAN!!!! it's an addiction. i swear.


5.11.02.damn!im.on.a.roll!
the STRATEGY of making a Libra make a decision
1) replace one topic of indecision with another, since the second decision will often cause the first to be no longer important
2) make only ONE suggestion in helping Libra solve the second decision, NO MORE.
3)allow a reasonable length of time, since Libra's decisions, once made, are always teh very best choice of all possible alternatives, thanks to the Venus wisdom, fairness, justice, logic and exquisite taste
4) if no decision is made during the reasonable lenth of time, make a decision yourself, and FIRMLY PRETEND you are going to expedite it immediately, if not sooner.

5.11.02.everyone.is.just.jealous
ive been watching Notting Hill for the past hour or so. i remember watching this movie for the first time and it not having any effect on me. same thang happened with Boys and Girls. its amazing how much movies touch you so much more when you can relate to the characters in their situations. i have to stop playing the part of the commitment-phobe. always playing games... always running right when things get scary. argh. i gotta stop that. but then again... if i dont... ill get so swept up in everything that's happening that ill completely lose control. bah. think tank time. damnit big bro, i really AM your little sis! we're so alike it's scary.
i think that i just need that single, defining moment in my life to clear the air and show me my path in life. err.. or at least when i GET that single defining moment... then i also need some continuity. this on again off again bullshit is starting to get to me. but... i guess that's only cuz its what i wanted... now im getting it back thrice (rule of 3). bah. maybe i just need some definition. er... or something. okay. time for brain food.

May 11, 2002
im pretty sure im happy, but the numerous shopping bags sitting on my floor right now contradicts that. i only shop excessively when i need to be comforted. but everything so far seems so good. so what's the deal with all the bags? damnit.. jan... i wish you were there to stop me. =P
last day of work today. im gonna miss that place. im gonna miss those people. eh. im gonna miss working there. part of me still wants to work there. but whatever. i gotta move on. commitment-phobia sucks ass.

HOTNESS list::
hotness:: cruisin the mall with a purpose in sweats n a t-shirt.... by yo lonesome.
TABness:: cruisin the mall with your posse in your hoochie outfit you're too young to wear and skin you shouldnt be revealing.
hotness:: not giving a fuck about what others think... they're just jealous of your hotness.
hotness:: cruisin in your phat car and knowing that each modification has purpose... and knowing how it works.
TABness:: having your bf/gf buy parts for the car and you have no fucking clue what the hell it does... it just sounds damn good and you think it adds power. idiot.
hotness:: knowing what you like, want, and need... but leaving yourself open to possibilities. hey... its a challenge... grow a little.
hotness:: the Venus smile and the Neptune eyes.
hotness:: being intelligent and knowing it. being original and knowing it. ... and all without trying.
hotness:: knowing each others' every thought without saying a word.
hotness:: keeping in touch with the child within nad being proud to have had those experiences. growing up doesnt mean forgetting.
hotness:: having a personality you can truly call your own.


5.10.02.almost.midnight.
hey at least i got home before midnight tonight. bleh. but i feel horribible for standing up my sisters tonight at the AphiG anni party. =T eh. they always have fun without me anyway. :: had another 2-for-1 movie w/ LIPS. always fun. we caught up w/ a fellow cynic. she shot us DEAD at the concession stand. haha. that was fun.

death of a blogger:: ah. the wonderful significant other. reading about the chase is always fun. the contemplating is always fun. and then... the death of the blogger. when each post is littered with MUSH bout their newfound bliss. yeah... like you really need to hear about it right? yeah yeah, the chase is over. now you're both caught. woop dee doo. now on to better things. but it doesnt stop there. what used to be a very interesting read about a very interesting person becomes a daily showcase of all the lovey dovey things that the couple does. come ON! geez. create a blogspot or something! dont put that shit on a DOTCOM!
bah. haha. yes. i am the queen of contradiction. this is my pathetic attempt at apologizing for the few previous posts. ive seen one too many bloggers lose their spark when they get into a new relationship. ah. ive been trying not to do that, but i just cant help it lately.
BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG!!!! no. they're just jealous.

sweet spots:: we all have them. where's YOUR spot? you know.. the spot that makes you tingle when your hottie strokes it. makes you do that breathy moan because it feels so good that you just cant help it. that when you feel that carress, you just wanna jump your hottie and have your way with him/her. p.s. most people's sweet spot is on the back of their neck... slightly uncentered. grrr... im gettin all wow just thinking about it. BAH! no tummy for you!
crap. i forgot what my point was. whatever. it wasnt going anywhere anyway. just remember... if you're not ready.. then dont go there. sucka.


May 10, 2002
just like before... its just BARELY the 10th. but its the tenth. so deal with it. guess where i just came home from again...
ah yes. mr. mark's pad again. did a little tv watching. did a little .... well... its me n mark. you take a wild guess. rated pg-13 by the way. you sicko. {post for mark} sorry about that. you're the good boy remember? okay. look! im home now. happy? i think im home. but when i wake up ill be at your pad again. argh. "does it count if its a dream?" yeah. okay... i see what you're talking about now with the quoting. uh hur. but that doesnt count unless i directly quote from your page. i only RESPOND to your posts. that's different. fishy fishy! look! car! *BANG* another one... *BANG* *BANG* *BANG*{/post for mark}

two finals down, 4 to go.. plus a paper. GREAT. at least im off of work all week next week. woop woop! so i actually have time to study... unless i get called up to galavant.. and in that case... galavant i shall go!
so okay... what kind of fucking professor deletes a student from the computer the day of the final? UGH! so i took my physiopsych final today... first to finish so i could meet up w/ fishy for some boba... and when i try to send my test, *BLEEP!* REJECTED! the computer DENIED me. what the fuck? turns out that im no longer in the system. someone dun fucked up and deleted me... er... or some fuckface in the class withdrew this week n they un-registered me on accident. damnit. so i gotta deal with all this bullshit on tuesday. taking up some valuable study time damnit. i have other shit to worry about. GRR!

hmm... this is my "TO DO" list... aka my "what i need in a man" list.... let's do a little compare n contrast... first victim? mr. mark sherwin ovalles
~tall. hey. i want a guy who i can look up to. that whole eye-to-eye thing... over rated. [mark analysis: 6'1. yes. i like.]
~cute w/ chinky eyes and a smile that can make me knees turn to jelly. nice teeth are a must. cuz you know... i have straight teeth.... n i dont want my kids goin through the whole braces thing. [mark analysis: chinky? enough to be chinese. teef? looks good... lets move on...]
~humorous. a funny man is the best man. i need humor in my life. so i need a guy that's funny ha-ha AND funny hee-hee. a guy that can be the life of the party but still have the sense to keep me as his focus. [mark analysis: doing good so far. i havent stopped laffing yet]
~LIPS (ofcourse). [mark analysis: where do you think it originated?]
~willing and able to do anything and EVERYTHING! i take chances. but i dont like to take them alone [mark analysis: we'll see how far he goes on the 18th]
~adventurous... like i said.... [mark analysis: like i said...]
~strong family background. i have a strong family background. i want him to know where im coming from. some people just dont understand [mark analysis: looks good so far]
~knows his way around cars (or is at least willing to learn). i like to talk about cars. .... a LOT. so at least try to keep up. [mark analysis: when i say vroom... he zones out. hmm...]
~has rhythm. you know what they say about how a guy dances..... that... and a musical guy usually has a lot going for him. i like talent. ;) [mark analysis: geetar n formally formality. doin good...]
~has intentions of finishing school.... sometime before the decade is over at least. none of these slacker types please. im having a hard enough time keeping myself in check. [mark analysis: thanks for makin me study. now YOU study!]
~a realistic view of life... but not cynical. *scratch that... sometimes its nice to be with another cynic* [mark analysis: BANG BANG BANG!]
~can keep me up all night.... doing whatever activity you choose (talking, galavanting, or whatever *wink wink*) i can be nocturnal. and i get lonely at night. so unless you want me talkin up other guys late at night.... then you better learn how to function on little sleep. [mark analysis: i think the past week has proven your endurance]
~can teach me a lot. if you cant teach me shit about the world.... then what use are you to me? *uh hur. yeah. that was nice* oh yeah. [mark analysis: has yet to teach me about DnB. dave and busters? NO! drum n base]
~preferably catholic... but as long as you have the faith n are willin to come to church w/ me... then its all gravy. [mark analysis: we've been to church together the past coupla weeks (except last sunday cuz of work)... you decide]
~must be wireless. i cant stand not being able to get in contact with people.... so my man has to be reachable at all times... damnit... what if i was in the hospital or something? see? SEE? [mark analysis: yes. but his phone hates me... so does it still count?]
~quirky and playful .... i need some fun in my life to balance out the stress. quirks are always fun. and its a nice compliment to my quirks [mark analysis: quirks are fun.]
~has style... and is willing to play with it (plaid pants/shorts are a must... hey... imma be ROCKIN the plaid... and we have to match *wink wink*) [mark analysis: HEY! nice plaid pants. and plaid jacket. where'd he get em from?]
~knows his way around the mall... when i need to destress.... only chocolate, shopping, and ice cream can console me.... i dont care HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU.... you're not chocolate, or shopping, or ice cream.... im a girl and i have NEEDS! [mark analysis: he works at one... never actually shopped w/ him... so that's left to be decided]
~i like a man who has control over his body... in every which way... whether you're doin some upkeep, or shakin your groove thang.... control is key. [mark analysis: its a groove thang a grooooove thaaaang]
~has a flexible schedule.... cuz mine isnt.... and if you're not available at the drop of a dime.... then i dont know when we'll ever see each other (but u know... i MAKE TIME for my men). [mark analysis: so far so good]
~can be chills around my sisters.... cuz they're a part of me... just like my man is a part of me.... and if both parts dont see eye to eye.... then my balance is all wack... and libras need balance... so one of them have to go.... and its for damn sure its not gonna be my sisters. [mark analysis: my sisters like him a little too much... im gettin kinda scurd]
~find my spot.... period. [mark analysis: "i plead the 5th"]
~tact... if you dont know how to deal with people... then you need to peace out.... cuz people are my life... *HELLO psych major* [mark analysis: good good. yes. mucho tact.]
~can deal with my daily rants.... cuz i bitch a lot... well not excessively.... but i bitch as much as any girl out there.... but it's funny.... so just laff. [mark analysis: he reads my blogs... that says a lot]
~secure enough to let me wear the pants in the relationship. i tend to do that. so deal with it. [mark analysis: yet to find out...]
~not the sit-down boyfriend. i cant stand a guy who doesnt mingle. and i cant stand a guy thats the life of the party and forgets who he's with. i cant stand a guy that doesnt know how to maintain balance between mingles. know your place boy! and know it well. hahah kidding. [mark analysis: lively. yes. very lively. he knows his place... next to me!]
~touch discreetly... and touch often. contact is KEY. haha. how else are you gonna find my spot? [mark analysis: once again.. pleadin the 5th]
~i would love to be with a greek. cuz greeks ROCK. no one understands greeks except greeks themselves. [mark analysis: to be announced]
~computer literate. HELLO! im always online. you need a way to keep up with me. cuz i forget the difference between posting and actually physically telling stuff. my pots are a my vents. once i vent, i forget. [mark analysis: fellow internet junkie. ah mi]
~GET BACK! pet peeve! pet peeve! if you dont call, then i wont call. END OF STORY. END OF RELATIONSHIP. i know i shouldnt get pissed about it... cuz i know i never get back either... BUT STILL! you dont leave me hangin like that. always, always, ALWAYS acknowledge that i have messaged you in some form. because then i think theres something wrong. then i start to assume. and assuming is BAD! and when i get worried for no reason... i get angry... because all you had to do was get back. [mark analysis: hmm... sometimes....]
~((this one is for informational use only)) when i watch a movie, i need to have my legs stretched out in front of me, and i need to be cuddled. dont do this "lets just sit and you can lean on me" bullshit. that makes me antsy. and an antsy me is not a happy me. you dont want to be around an unhappy me. [mark analysis: got the point after a while]
~late night talks are a must. inhibitions fade away at night. and thats the best way to really get to know someone. think of it as a natural drink up. ... er... or something. [mark analysis: ZzzzZZzzz many a nights]
[mark analysis conclusion: doing good.... but there's still a lot i need to know. if only he would post his offline blogs... hint hint.]

damn. that was long. tired yet? haha. time for blogspot! just kidding.


May 9, 2002

crap. i wasnt supposed to blog. its 5:31 am. and im supposed to be doing my extra credit so i can actually PASS poli sci 101. damnit! but i checked out big bro's site n clicked on a nifty little link. (ah! yey! thanks for linkin me big bro! you ROCK! that's why you're my favorite big bro! [[big bro would say:: but im your ONLY big bro]])
but ye... mark... this is how we woulda reacted like a coupla weeks ago. and now look. WTF? amazing what takes over you when.. well yeah... when stuff happens. i keep thinking that if i saw us that night, i woulda wanted to shoot the both of us. but... nah. that wouldnt be cool. 'sides... screw them all. cynics SUCK. haha. does that mean that WE suck? aha! okay. im dumb. its 5:36. go figure. my brain is tired. so kiss my ass world.

i really have to stop with these targeted posts. that's where the trouble begins. then you just start writing for a one-person audience. and the rest of your audience gets BORED because you're not addressing them. (p.s. i love each n every one of you! please dont leave me!) so ye... sorry for the targeted posts. ill try to stop in the near future.
ey. can someone remind me to start drinking more water? ive been downing a lot of caffeine lately and not compensating for my lack of water intake. my pee is starting to get really yellow cuz of the lack of water. (TMI! TMI!) ew. that's disgusting. so you better remind me to drink plenty of WATER. not soda, not red bull... WATER! dehydration is not a good thing... specially with formals coming up (well... i guess it can be a good thing.... no water bloatness... but still... that's bad).
p.s. you HAVE to read Fyodor Dostoyevsky's work. he's a fucking PSYCHO! but he makes an awful lot of sense. its some DARK shit, but its worth the read.
thank GOD for school. id go fucking NUTS if i didnt take in this much information. i would be one of those unenlightened fuckers that spend all of their time online doing absolutely nothing but filling their pathetic little minds with trivial shit that only holds substance in an inverted caps conversation over aim or icq. damnit. im gonna go nuts over the summer. can someone lend me some books to read or something?

yet again... i procrastinated til the last minute to do a paper... and got stuck online blogging. killing time. and generally flushing my hard earned tuition money down the drain. which reminds me... i have to do a post... about that whole "TO DO" list on my blogspot. i wanted to do a compare and contrast and a "who the fuck cares." thats gonna be fun.
but i have no time to do that right now. i have 45 minutes to read 70-some pages and do a 5 page comparative essay. FACK! and im still blogging because????


5.8.02.good.things.are.worth.the.wait.
i had a dream right before i woke up. mark called up brian n told him what was up. bri was kinda "eh." but it worked out. then i woke up... thought i was still at mark's pad. geez. talk about nostalgia.
but whatever. i seriously need to get my ass into study mode. i have two finals tomorrow and an essay to write. and work in an hour and a half. crap. i wanna hit up quickly tonight... but... academics first. p.s. do you like this whole red look? well... i like the topper. ;)

May 8, 2002
well.. just barely. ;) its like midnight-forty right now. as i type away at my pathetic excuse for a computer... i just cant help but smile.
and not just any smile... the biggest faacking smile ive had plastered on my face since ... well since i came home on sunday night. ;) just came home about a minute ago (had to make a little rest stop ... but that's TMI) and from where? that.. you'll have to guess.

good things are worth the wait right? and the longer the wait, the better it gets. AHH. nothing feels as good as ending the wait. **excuse the loss of words.... my mind is going a million miles a minute right now** and what feels even better than ending the wait? realizing that the long wait was well worthit.

sorry.. im just bubbling with happiness right now. =) if you could see the look on my face... holy crap you'd think that i was psycho. but i dont care... I DONT CARE! think what you want. im not psycho. and for those of you who glare... you can all just kiss my behind... cuz you're just JEALOUS!

FISHY FISHY! KISSY FISHY! my fishies are kissing again. ill post again when i have my senses back. right now... im just... ah. i dont know.
p.s. mark's surprise was boba night tomorrow at quickly. but i have work. n a final the next morning. it was a nice thought tho. thanks mark. you make me happy. *all smiles*


May 7, 2002
sitting in the computer lab w/ edwin. have class in a few. but yeah. that's boring right? blablabla. let me babble.
mark says he has a surprise for me later. what surprise can be better than green tea? but that's not the surprise. makes me wonder... or maybe he's just playin with my mind cuz of that whole "i like surprises" thang. whatevers. we'll see... and guess who'll be the first to find out!!...
you... ofcourse. why not? you swear like i have people to tell. edwin just said "me" and pointed to himself. i dont know. this guy has problems. just kidding. *big hug* and my sisters will find out soon enough. err... jan... you already know before reading this. uh hur.
hey big bro, i owe you moolah for some of them scented candles. good fun. right? ah ha. no. but im proud of you. i think you would make a good pledge dad... spoil the crap outta them kiddies of yours. but you're more of a spring daddy... maybe next semester. 'sides... you're too young to have kids.
okay kids. time for class. ill see you tonight! p.s. findapix rating has gone up! surprise surprise. damnit.


5.6.02.only.if.you.want.it.
sometimes its hard for me to extend my arm out because im paranoid that no one will be there to accept it. so ill be left hangin with my hand extended and no one there to take it. we've all seen it happen. and when you see it happen, its usually a humorous thing to see... lookin at someone gettin left hangin... its funny. cuz the person feels and looks stupid. just standing there... expecting something... and nothing happens.
thats why i like surprises... and that's also the reason i dont expect them. i dont like to expect because i dont like to be disappointed. if i dont set myself up for disappointment, then i wont be. and if something does happen, then SURPRISE SURPRISE! its a happy moment. but for the most part... eh. i dont know.
this time... it feels like i was just left kinda hangin. *pet peeve, pet peeve* i know i shouldnt start building walls again, but i need them to feel secure again. if i dont feel secure, then i dont feel confident. and when im not confident, im not a very cool person to be around. not a very cool person to read about. not a very cool person. period. (then period again!)
have you ever prematurely taken a big breath right before you jumped into a pool? but then your friends wanted to jump in together... so you kept holding your breath until they were all ready to jump in... but they lagged... so by the time you were all ready to jump in, you were out of breath. and had to take a breath a millisecond before you hit the water. thats what i feel like is gonna happen. ive taken everything prematurely. and now im scared that when i finally hit the water, i will be so unprepared that... when what i was looking forward to finally happens... it wont feel as good because i had that down time to sit out... and be left behind waiting.
but i dont wanna build walls. but i dont like feeling this way either. this whole entry feels like a blogspot entry... i wish i believed in editing. bah. whatever. ill go be depressed some more over there then.

5.6.02.high.trends.in.april.
as of now... april seems to have the highest hit-volume. last year and this year. 583 unique visitors in april 2001, and 783 unique visitors in april 2002. thanks guys! but like you care about my hittage. ARGH. so anyway....
i coulda read 50 pages of nietzsche this morning, but opted to do laundry and waste hours on the computer achieving nothing. at least i finally got my psuedo-findapix-hotgirl pic up. its amazing how people can get as soon as you change your "outlook." i went from the eye pic to the psuedo-findapix-hotgirl pic, and my rating started to increase. what the fuck is that about? shallow fucks. goes to show that the pose and your "look" makes a whole lot of difference. geez. personality and uniqueness takes you nowhere in these mediums. grr. at least i have blogging to keep me sane... but before i start on that whole bloggin thang... lemme show u the before n after findapix main pictures. still the same girl. just different pose... made a whole lot of difference cuz now these fuckfaces think im boppy-er.

i find myself getting more and more self involved. spending less time reading outside blogs and more time reading blogs that would more likely than not include me in the post. what the hell is that about? i used to read for the sake of opening up my mind to some humor and other perspectives. now its like blogging is a medium for these people that i talk to every single fucking day to communicate even more. awww... screw that. i need to start expanding again. this local shit is killing brain cells.
and im beginning to cuss excessively again. damnit. i need to make a mix cd. but i have no songs. argh.

May 6, 2002
GAME OVER!!!! status achieved.

thanks Bri for visiting today... it cleared up a lot. made me realize that what i really wanted was right in front of my face. that putting up my defenses wasnt the way to go... because then the walls are just gonna start to build up again. you were one of my walls... and now... its time to take you down. but thanks for the heads up. i owe you one. but remember... you still owe me boba for goin to class!! woop woop!
some things are better left unsaid. and thats what makes it even more special. sometimes you dont even need to say a word. because knowing what both of you feel.... HOT DAMN!!
...its like midnight-thirty. just got home from watching SPIDERMAN!!! and scorpion king. scorpion king was kinda weaksauce... but whatever. SPIDERMAN ROCKED!!!! i wanna see it again! and again! and again!!! that's how good it was. YEY! hey... thanks for intro-ing me to movie-hopping LIPS. you rock. and you know it. ;)


May 5, 2002
congratulations to the ETA eggheadS!!! they finally crossed last night at 9:30 pm. WOW! good job girls. im proud to finally call you sisters. SIGMA ALPHA ALPHA!!!!
im still trying to figure everything out. trying to figure how to get things out in the open. trying to figure out how to say it without really saying it. i still gotta get a handle on my vibes. but maybe its just the song thats getting to me *p.diddy's i need a girl is playing as i blog* p.s. mark, im dying without my cd here! its okay. keep it for as long as you want.
but anyhow... always confused. never on time. but makin time... tryin hard... but im not exactly sure if my message is comin across. can i get a little help here?


May 4, 2002
im in kind of a shock. mainly because i dont really take bluntness very well... er.. or what i see as bluntness. im pretty perceptive when things are aimed towards me. doesnt matter whether its negative or positive... when its aimed at me... i know. just recently ive been receiving a lot of vibes. and its all confusing me. its making me crazy. because i dont know how to react. well.. err... i KNOW how i should react. but i placed myself in this place... GRR. wait...
this is an excerpt from the movie "Boys and Girls." (starring fredie prinze... its a good movie.. u should rent it) im so fucking addicted to this movie its not even funny. its funny because the first time i watched it was in theaters... but i didnt like it because it didnt apply to my life. and now.... it just... wow. damnit.
for the first time, everything seemed clear to me. like one logical progression. it felt like you and i were the greatest plan ever made and i had nothing to do with it. being with you made me feel that maybe i didnt have to keep planning anymore because it felt like i was actually living. and that for once in my life i wouldnt have to work so hard at being happy. that it could just happen. nothing will ever hurt me as much as your reaction to that same experience...
but im tired of being afraid.... how do we know anything? how do we know that the plane isnt gonna crash?... i need you. and thats a really hard thing for me to accept. but its a whole lot easier than imagining my life without you. i wanna do laundry with you ****
you should just try breathing. it will help you relax. trust me?


5.2.02.woop.woop!!!
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Heroes in a half-shell
Turtle power!
They're the world's most fearsome fighting team (We're really hip!)
They're heroes in a half-shell and they're green (Hey - get a grip!)
When the evil Shredder attacks
These Turtle boys don't cut him no slack!
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Splinter taught them to be ninja teens (He's a radical rat!)
Leonardo leads, Donatello does machines (That's a fact, Jack!)
Raphael is cool but crude (Gimme a break!)
Michaelangelo is a party dude (Party!)
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Heroes in a half shell
Turtle power!

DAMN!!! ive been trying to figure out that second verse FOREVER! no not really.. .just a couple of days. AH. i feel a lot better now. whoa. haha. im in the computer lab again. that cant be good.


May 2, 2002
ITS 5 2!!!!!!!!!! wowowowowow! hahah. okay. that was just super cheese. but you know you love it. you THRIVE on it! trick. just kidding.
i just received an email from geocities. in case you havent noticed, ive been using geocities as my primary server on this website. well because its helluva easy. duhdur! but i just received news that geocities will be down for the weekend of may 17-may19. a full 48 hours. will you be able to survive? haha. just kidding. but anyhow, ill redirect 52GoVroom.com to my blogspot.. just so you have something to read. awww.. arent i the best blogger ever? (pshhaaaWW!! yeah right) but i will be transferring posts from whatever i type up in blogger to my geocities as soon as the geocities down time is over. and F.Y.I... that's the weekend of FORMALS... so you probably wont wanna miss that post ;) sucks that im gonna lose hittage tho. =P oh well. as long as i know you love me... come on.. i wanna hear you say it... YOU LOVE ME!
so this guy in mira mesa.. i forgot what fag team he's in... but he COPIED my old car's front bumper. bleh. i hate biters. sorry.. im not exactly feelin the mood to hate right now. (im too happy!) but fuckin (butt-fuckin!) this fool is rollin out with that front bumper conversion.. sportin it in mira mesa where my baby is currently residin? I DONT THINK SO! what a fool man. just cuz jesse is all R-ed up in type-R gear, doesnt mean he doesnt remember what he used to look like. damnit. i hate biters. *akem akem akem akem*
my sis Jovi let me have some of her ube slush w/ boba last night. YUM YUM YUM YUM YUM YUM! boba boba boba boba boba! haha. im excited. ;) PING!

surprisingly... this whole breakup has been a good thing. i didnt think that life went on without my other half. but its nice to finally be my whole self.. by myself. how refreshing. and its not like im filling the void with sisterhood or random guys.... which is how i would normally react. but im not. it may seem like i am. but im not. these guys came to me... and they're there to kill time. and its not like i wasnt spending most of my time with my sisters in the first place. wow. it feels great to finally be an individual again.
i think im no longer in the LESSON NUMBER ONE phase... the phase that sends out rebound vibes... the vibes that SCREAM to boys that im available... and sometimes scares them off... but usually attracts them cuz its FRESH EASY MEAT. im finally in the stage where im sending out IM A ROCKSTAR vibes. ive come to the conclusion that im not getting numbers, looks, etc. because im unavailable/unattainable... its cuz im beaming with confidence. cuz i AM a rockstar! hahah. that sounds straight out of a "love yourself" book. how supercheese! nah. im just happy to be me again. and just me. not the other half of genaro. =) wow. i miss this.

but you know me... ;)