May 31, 2006
HAPPY LAST DAY OF MAY!!!! which makes this my last day as reigning partner of the month. BOOOO!

i'm upset about a few things.
1) how full of himself brian is
2) that He still calls Sunny his "bird"
3) my cd still isn't fucking here

brian called me earlier and he's holding my Compadres card hostage. at first he said it was cuz i owe him a burrito... which i can understand. whatevs. i'll fucking buy him a burrito as long as i can get my points. (which, BTW, he didn't even fucking swipe. so i got jipped 10 points. BASTARDO!) and then today he won't give it to me because "i think it will be awkward for you to meet who i'm taking to the game." WHAT THE FUCK!??!?!?! who does he think he IS?!?!? first of all: we broke up for a reason. that being: we can't be together. it's OVER! does he not understand that? secondly: i have a fucking BOYFRIEND. which means... i've moved on. and it's been well a long time for him to move on too. if he's dating, then he's dating. that's none of my business unless he wants to tell me. but why does he think i'm still INNNNN love with him that it's gonna make it awkward for me to meet who he's bringing? NEWS FLASH: we're not together anymore! you're freeeeee, asshole! don't make it seem like i'm gonna be upset to see you with another girl. stupid. just give my fucking card back, and just KNOW that you can shove other girls in my face as many times as you want, BECAUSE I DON'T WANT YOU ANYMORE!!!!!! and p.s. jealousy was never my bag, stupid. we were together for 3 fucking years and you still don't get that?!?!

what upsets me more is that He still calls Sunny his "bird." aka The one that got away. WTF??!?! and he still sees her pretty often. the fact that he still thinks of her that way even tho he's with me makes me shaky. that's not cool. i always told him that there's no such thing. because if you really think they got away, then that just means you hold them so close to your heart and you never want to let that go.... because they only physically got away, and you just never took your chance when you had it. MEANING: you can still do something about it because you understand what's going on in your heart.

and lastly: i bought a cd online last week and it's STILL NOT FUCKING HERE. and now you know why i don't buy shit online.


May 27, 2006
what does it all meaaaaannnn????? UGH. i'm starting to get a little frustrated with these stupid songs playing again and again in my head. and they're even starting to follow me at work! at a time when i really don't need them to be. especially now that i know that he has her. and now that i'm starting to realize that i may have made a huge mistake. and now that i feel like i'm losing my place. and now that i feel like i can't escape from it.

UGGHHHHHH!!!!!! take this knife. stab my heart. let it bleed, and let me go. I'm so tired of playing this charade. JUST FUCKING SAY SOMETHING ALREADY!!!! i'm tired of the fucking games because they're just GAMES in the end.

but these games... MAN. i just don't even know what to think. And whilst i think, then keep playing your games. because it keeps me where i am until YOU finally decide what you freakin want. ... and gives me a chance to really decide on what IIIIII want.

but these songs are haunting me. because they're filled with such memories of YOU. and then you go and you add another song to the list. bastardo.

and either way, i'd be a cruel, heartless witch. it's either i let YOU go, or i let HIM go. and i'm not in a position to be ready to do that right now. EITHER one. because i need to move on. i really do. and so do you. and we've already started to. but its weird, isn't it? and the worst part of all of this... i don't even know if you know that i'm talking about you. goes right over your head just like it always does. ALWAYS, damnit. it's been years and you still don't get it. ((then again, it's been years and IIII still don't get it.)) but even if i don't get it, i still feel it. and i could be interpreting things wrong, and i probably am... but i know that it's there. untapped and untouched. and it's probably gonna stay that way forever, because knowing you the way i do, and you kinda knowing me the way you do.... yeap. our chance has passed, eh?

or it could be another one of those times. when we just pass each other. let each other grow away from one another. and then years down the line we'll meet again, start back up, and make it even better than before. 'cuz things like that happen. it's happened before, and no doubt our paths are intertwined, as much as we think they're not. and even if they're not, then at least i can think of you as a great memory. and hopefully it will be the same for you.

well... i have changes to make anyway. and even tho you've always been a huge part of me.... without you even knowing or realizing it... i just hope you take what we've had and hold it in your heart, just as i have done. and that's all i ask for now. when we cross again then we'll take it from there. but until then... i'll just stop trying.


May 23, 2006
my internal clock is all screwed up again. FUCK! i miss waking up at 3:30am. it just made things SOOO much easier!

and it's finals week. but SUCKILY for me... it's only projects and one exam. i fucking LOATHE projects. especially when i could fucking care less about the stupid class and the only thing getting in the way of me pissin off is my pride that i can't possibly get a low grade in such a stupid class. .. even tho it would be absolutely justified.

i'm lazy when i'm not motivated. it's as simple as that.

and it's been BEAUTIFUL lately. and i've been doing HOMEWORK. fuck.


May 21, 2006
last night was fawqing AWESOMEBLOSSOM!!!! getting free EVERYTHING last night was just GREAT!! 3 free clubs (Belo, Heat, & Whiskey Girl) and hella free drinks. me and my girls... gotta love it. needless to say... i was on a really good buzz.

the best part? i actually had self control. which i normally don't have when it comes to being out and about with the girls. it's usually "i'm single for the night"... and i end up doing things that i really shouldn't be doing whilst attached. But last night... used the charm but managed to deflect the boys into the direction of the single girlfriends. YES! mar DOES have self control! and they were hot too.

ran into warren with another girl. BAH. i don't wanna go into that right now. i'll just wait and see what he says to me tomorrow morning.

wunna the girls at work is tryin to move in on Pane. she's about to be blown to itty bitty bits. nobody messes with mar's men, damnit.


May 18, 2006
i'm walking on clouds. he makes me so incredibly happy. and i can't imagine life without him from here on out.... well... i probably could... but that would just suck. i don't understand how he's gotten so deep under my skin in such a short amount of time. i am certifiably INSANE.

tonight i chill with the girls. and am meeting sam for drinks. sam is freakin hot. ((but he's also a whore that banged one of my best friends, so no touchin that!... oh yeah.. and i have a boyfriend. dur)) but sam is fawking hot. i wouldn't mind being a tally on his board.

and this whole warren thing.... UGGHHHHHHH!!!! how frustrating. He's been going out of his way to make sure to talk to me... and hold up my line! YIKES! the suckiest part? he's fawking AMAZINGLY HOT and everytime i see him i just wanna jump across the room and make out with him. and he's the biggest sweetheart! and we've been doing a lot of chatting... about family, just about things in general.... and he makes the people wait behind him just so he can talk to me a weeee bit longer.... UGH. and now i have a boyfriend. (((p.s. we've exchanged 'i love you's already.... which is NUTS!!!... err... me n pane, not me and warren))) BAH. damn this superficial head of mine.

blah blah blah. i should probably go back to class now.

remind to tell about::: happy hour club ::: the boys.


May 15, 2005
everybody hates me. but it's okay. i deserve it. i hate me right now... but i'm having too much fun with the new boytoy. (you know me and my toys, woop dee doo!)

been feeling a weeeee bit guilty tho... just about the whole brian thing. i've been hearing things through the grapevine.... just about how unhappy he is about the whole thing. And he doesn't even know that things are serious now w/ Pane.

serious enough that we're having dinner with the extended family sometime this week. I still don't get how things are moving so quickly, but i'm in it for the ride... and so far it's been good. I can't complain, and he treats me well. And that's what matters in the end, isn't it? At least he's fine with me doing my own thing. And also okay with me taking up all of his time. It's nice.... this guy will just do about anything to keep me happy. WHy? I'm not too sure... but it's good right now, so i don't wanna question it.

and for the record, i understand his insanity. I admit that he's a big weirdo.... most people just look at me funny when they meet him. He's WEIRD, plain and simple. But he's got a good heart and he has good intentions. the weirdness factor just makes things interesting... cuz we all know how "normal" mar is.

in any case.... i no longer feel the need to justify our relationship. It is what it is. We keep each other happy, and that's what matters NOW.


May 11, 2006
so like...can i just say...

I'M THE BEST DAMN LIAR EVER!!!! dude... erik... i got you goooooood again! hahahahahh! sorry, buddy! dude. i know i'm crazy... but i'm not THAT crazy!!! hellooooo?!??! me? get ENGAGED?!? especially to a guy i've only been dating for two weeks? wow. you guys are freakin gullible.

but yes, for the record, i DO have a new boyfriend. his name is Pane. we've been together for who knows how long...because there's really no "official" date. i'd say a couple of weeks. but i'm basing this on our first "date." how serious are things? certainly not as serious as being engaged, you big crazies. but things are fun for now. he's planning to leave for arizona in august, and we all know how super-flaky mar is.

aside from the big joke that has everyone and their mother YELLING at me for being stupid.... nothing really happening in life. other than the PADRES BEING SUPER BAD-ASS! if we would have won tuesday night's game, we would be on a 12-game winning streak. cuz padres are fucking bad ass! ((and i'm still getting a lot of shit from people at work because Hensley pitched terribly on tuesday... after i made his caramel frap)) i've been to at least one game for every series played at home. the only exception is missing the Cubs series for opening weekend... which i made up for this past series cuz i went to see the Cubs twice for this series. YAY! obsessive compulsive? YEAP!

that, and i think i have a new girlfriend. her name is Sarahi. and we've gotten tighter than a virgin in the past month since we've met. she's fawking cool beans... and we share the same birthday! hooray for day of the top dog! woo hoo!

aside from that... i really have been a humongous flaker. i feel terrible. but my schedule doesn't really allow for socialization these days. my big sis is keeping me on an afternoon schedule (meaning i don't get off of work before noon anymore), and now that i'm with Lauder again, having two jobs keeps me on my feet. that, and i've had to attend EDD seminars in order to keep receiving unemployment benefits. BLAH. that's a freakin lot of driving. blah.

but i have been to the zoo, the getty, and a ton of field trips lately with Pane.... so that might be where all my time is going recently. bah. and you know what sucks the most about it? i've become THAT GIRL... the one that the guy flakes on his friends to hang out with. i keep telling him not to do it... cuz i hate it when my bros do that shit to us... but he's doing it. BLAH. but i enjoy our time together, so i can't complain too much. ((i hate being libran))

GO PADRES!!!! and p.s. i cut my hair. and now i'm a poofy puppy.


May 10, 2006
today i posted this on myspace. and i think you should read it too.

so like.... if you're reading this, it's because you've been wondering WHERE THE HELL I AM.
for the record... no, i am not dead.... no, i have not been kidnapped (not illegally, anyway).... no, aliens have not secretly probed my bunghole and have taken over my body.... nor has a human being, for that matter.
so really... i don't have a valid excuse... err.... not one i can publicize, for the meanwhile.
but i do have HUGE-mongous gargantuan news of epic proportion!!!!!!
(((okay, maybe not THHHHAAAAATTTTT gigantic.... but it's pretty big))))
if i've contacted you personally.... i need to tell you in person. it's not something i can do over the phone, or over a bulletin.
for the rest.... just please know that i DO have a reason for missing formals/not calling back/missing major events/being mia for a party/club/etc./ not calling you for a game.
i just want to apologize from the bottom of my heart.... because your friendship really does mean a lot to me ((and that's not a load of shit))).
Jannie & Heather & lil sis..... you can kick my ass as soon as you see me... because i think i let the three of you down the most. I'm SOOOO SORRYYYYY!!!!! i really hope you can forgive me for missing the past two weeks events and breaking my promise!!! ((and Jamie... congratulations! i'm glad to finally call you a sister!!)))

and can i just say???? MY BOYFRIEND IS COMPLETELY INSANE. if i've told you what happened... please keep it to yourself. we have yet to finalize things. and erik... for the record... somehow i'm up to 60% now?!?!?!?! fuck. i've gone insane too!!!!

and yesterday i made Clay Hensley's tall caramel frappucino. and i stumbled. i tried to speak but it all came out in gibberish...with a little bit of drool. I can't believe how incredibly HOT he is in person. and i touched his magical fingers!!! OMG. i'm MADLY in love!!!


May 8, 2006
despite the very few people that know about my new acquisition, i think i've gotten more shit about it than anything i've ever done in the past. come on people.... how are you going to be more supportive about a freakin DUI than THIS?!?!?!? you are all insane.

but you know what? he makes me happy. and that's what matters in the end.... because it's MY HAPPINESS that matters when i'm making decisions about my life... and nothing the superficial says will make me snap out of it.

if you've been reading here long enough, you know how shallow i can be. and i'm not using this as a time to change, but i am taking this opportunity to finally snap out of my bad habits.

i have a story to tell you, but it will have to wait. just remember to remind about Long Beach and the hobbit. i'll know.


May 2, 2006
post script: written during class::: and i know it's out of order
"bookkeeper." that's what i was called. why? not too sure.

so keep it on the hush. but how? somehow, everyone in my life is somehow connected. someone here reading this is somehow related to somenone in my sorority... or someone that works with me.. or with Brian. My friends... as many as there are... are all someohow connected. so anything i say here will end up in a partner's ear, which is exactly where i don't want this news to go. BLEH! as much as i want to talk about it, i can't and i wont. I mean... i trust you and all... but you understand.

so... he's taken me to the zoo., to dinners, the most amazing views int he La Jolla, and to the AMA (motorcycle races). i've enjoyed myself, and we've shared a ton of firsts. which is good, right? on sunday we have plans for disneyland, then monday we've got great seats for the Padres game. In the span of two weeks, we've gone from just co-workers to something AMAZING. i just want to tell the world how wonderful he is to me... but i can't. BLEH.

oh... and we even "broke up" for a quick minute. HAHAHAH! basically... brian saw us together, started asking questions, and got all upset about it. I told Him about it, and He basically told me that He couldn't be with me because He didn't want to jeopardize my friendship with Brian ((hey, BTW, if that line just confused you, pay attention to the capital H's)) in short, He said "no matter how you look at it, you belong to Brian." and wiht that said... we parted ways. And i felt like CRAP. especially since we had to work together the net morning. which, BTW, has been one of the most gut wrenching work experiences i've ever had. because we had to pretend that nothing has happened. A few hours later, neither of us could stand it any longer, and we were "back together."a today he told me that he's never gonna let anything trivial get between us again.

so... are we together? technically, yes. is he my boyfriend? no, but i am his girlfriend. he understands, and right now, the only thing that matters is that the two of us get what happens between us. ANd for hte first time in my life, I have something that i can say belongs ONLY to the two of us.


May 4, 2006
holy crap it's freakin MAY!!!! i realize i've been hella MIA. don't worry. i've got posts on paper that are pretty good. hahahahha! i promise this time i'll actually post them. *promise*

if you're wondering where i've been.... i havent been sleeping lately. and i havent been been home lately. been to random places at random times. and i'm loving it.

p.s. mar doesn't have a boyfriend, but i'm someone's girlfriend. i'll explain later. if you get impatient enough, then call my cel. i'm pretty sure you have the number, if you're curious... or drunk... enough.

oh yeah. and i have to tell you about the brian drama.

i'm more excited about being someone's girlfriend, tho.... and .... as a technicality.... i still am upkeeping my "no boyfriend this year" resolution.