May 31, 2008
in spite of my lack of effort, or maybe because of it... i have a feeling i won't be seeing my closest friends in the near future.

i am, however, on my way to hicksville, az immediately after posting this to go see one of my closer friends who decided to visit her parents this weekend. woo hoo! it's a very long 2 hour drive. which i wouldn't normally complain about, except that the destination isn't LA or the bay or anywhere else exciting and urban. it's to chino valley, az. a burb of a burb of a burb. yeap. three of them. so today's activities include antiquing, walking downtown (like the old west), and general laziness by the mountains. actually, it's called the "high country" out here.

if i go missing, look out for the coyotes. they might have eaten me.


May 28, 2008
first of all... let's not talk about it. in hindsight (isn't it always?), it was something trivial. that got out of control. but it's all of those moments that add up to something HUGE. and that's what that was about. but we're not talking about it, right?

on a completely different subject: have you ever seen a picture that completely changed how you feel about someone? or just completely validated something that was always nagging at you, but you never really paid attention to because you knew it would change too much if you did? if you haven't, then good for you. if you have, then you know how i feel right now. and right now, i don't know how i should feel. because a part of me feels like i should be HAPPY about it. that someone that has been so good to me and has had the worst luck ever has finally found something he can hope for and really have a chance at getting at. the other part of me feels left behind. wondering what will happen to what we have now and what we've always had. because in the past, it was never a big threat. it was more of a joke. but now... it's just different. seeing it in pictures makes it real.

so i don't know. as a friend, i should be happy. excited, actually. but that's not how it's turning out. which makes me a really bad friend.

i have to tell you about my new store (i got promoted, yay). it's turning out a lot better than i ever would have thought. but we'll save that for another day.


May 25, 2008
at the moment, i am supposed to be celebrating the one year anniversary of well... our wedding. nope. but that's not happening.

if anything, this will probably mark the day that i was fully convinced that i need to NOT BE married any longer. because honestly, i married someone that did not fit. did not match. and i am finding out way too late is the absolute worst person i could have ever married in the first place.

i'm working on a solution. because we all know you can't change a man. so i want out. I WANT OUT. i'm done. i don't need this kind of shit in my life.


May 18, 2008
so apparently, my Ayurvedic Type is Pitta.

Pitta types are determined and strong willed with good digestion.
The Pitta's primary organs are the small intestine and stomach.
Pittas tend to be hot, oily, and light.
Pitta is associated with the fire element, and tend to have a fiery quality.
When a Pitta becomes imbalanced, he or she may notice skin rashes, burning, inflammation, fever, ulcers, anger, jealousy, copious urine. In order to be balanced, Pittas should remain cool, avoiding excess heat, steam or humidity.
They should also avoid excessively oily food or fried foods as well as caffeine, alcohol, red meat, hot spices, or salt, choosing instead to eat fresh fruits and vegetables and whole grains.
Pitta types should also try to get plenty of fresh air. Expression of emotions is also important.

in a nutshell, it tells me to avoid eating everything i LOVE to eat and continuously crave; that i should express my feelings freely (and although i do so via this, i highly doubt that it's as effective as being direct with people); and that i should NOT be living in the arizona heat. huh. go figure.


May 13, 2008
reality smacked me in the face yesterday when i got the word that i am being pulled from my store on the 26th of this month. so my last official day would be May 22. (the 23rd being my lil sis's graduation and the 25th my wedding anniversary, so i will be in san diego for the weekend) still... i've had this boulder in my throat and tears welling and a stabbing feeling in my gut for the past few days. i've put so much effort into maintaining and building and uplifting and standardizing this store so much that it's a shame to pull me out at this point. we had a management meeting tonight which really shed the light on how unprepared this store is for my departure. sucks for them. sucks for my mental health. you know how much of a sucker i am for helping out my fellow partners.

the crappiest part of it all is that i'm getting pulled out on the 26th regardless of my readiness level. in order to "support the district," if i'm not ready to be placed elsewhere, i will be placed as an acting store manager at the slowest store in the region. yikes.

i'm still racking my brain to put a positive spin on "i don't want to advance. i just want a raise. i don't want to leave my current position or my current store." I think my store manager and I have a great dynamic. we work extremely well together and we accomplish a lot as a team. not that i think i would fail without him, but i can undeniably say that we both bring out the best management qualities in each other.

in any case, my interview is tomorrow, and i have to do my best. so wish me luck. because, as the Padres have demonstrated... a change in pace, in plan, and in rotation can make a huge difference in performance. (we've won 3 of the past 4 games! woo!)


May 9, 2008
BTW, yes, i'm still depressed, if you were wondering. But a great new episode did a great-tabulous job of temporarily pulling me out of my funk. I love how it was directed. Too bad that the storyline was out of order (too many things not folloowing a line... kelso's retirement, cox being chief, etc). and to make matters worse... there was no conclusion. i don't think it was a proper season finale... so if that was the series finale... then someone please slit my wrist and get it over with.

However, i've been doing my research and it seems that ABC (the show was formerly aired on NBC, but owned by ABC Disney) has picked up the series for 18 episodes, (YAY! season 8!) so there hopefully will be a proper ending to come. My biggest disappointment this season is that there were only 12 episodes that aired (due to the writers strike), and there were rumors of the remaining "fresh" episodes to either be included in the deal for ABC (which would mean that they would only film 12 new episodes and air the 6 that were originally supposed to be a part of season 7), -OR- they would be included in the season 7 DVD. i would prefer the latter. because my Scrubs collection is complete and i would love love love for each season to be worth the buy. (well, they already ARE worth the buy... but season 7 has been quite the disappointment, so hopefully the un-aired episodes will actually make the season's story line make sense.) it just seems like they were trying to fit too much into one season, and in the end it just came out all higgeldypiggeldy. kinda like how Shrek 3 had too much going on and did nothing to contribute to the trilogy.

in any case... hopefully the months ahead will bear better news regarding the things i love the most. Here's hoping that my Padres will pull out of their losing funk and finally get their act together. Here's hoping that Season 7 will be out on DVD asap and that it includes all 18 episodes that were originally planned. Here's to hoping that my marriage will endure this lull that we're in. Here's to hoping that my new store (provided i even GET a new store) will be as manageable as my current store.

i just need a morale booster. life in general has just not been as great as i will it to be.

maybe because i don't try to do as much as i used to. i've gradually become more and more average as time progresses. I don't dedicate as much time to my passions as i used to (starbucks, my home life, my drinking- yes, that is a passion) and now it shows. my efforts reflect my current stage. So now... it's about getting everything back on track.

i worked on creative stuff this past week for my store's development (i created training modules, set an outline for our upcoming meetings, created a coffee passport board and team challenge), so hopefully my efforts will have a positive outcome. This sunday i'm holding a coffee seminar so i can officially be a coffee master. I've also started to get the ball rolling on new partner training so that my manager has a good learning coach base. I've also planted a few ideas in peoples' heads about transferring over if the need arises. i'm pouring all of my efforts into this place so it doesn't sink if i leave (because a good sign of a true leader is one that can walk away and know that what he has built will not crumble with his absence.) so here's to hoping that my efforts will not go unnoticed.

i was on a roll until brian called. he just informed me that the Padres has released Jim Edmonds. i'm still on the fence about it. because for the most part he was performing at the same level as the rest of the team. my ace team (peavy, giles, gonzalez, bard, greene [most days], kooz) have been working their cracks off trying to make a difference, but the new blood just isn't performing as well as their paychecks say they should. so.. maybe this is just the first step at squashing the bad aura that we've been carrying around (and that more players will be released soon, or go down proving their worth), or maybe it's just a band-aid to put on the boo boo. i guess we'll just have to wait and see what the management does.

more news as i hear it. but more improvements like this will be needed to get me out of this funk.


May 8, 2008
depressing, i tell yah. ABSOLUTELY DEPRESSING!!!! we havent managed to win a series since the beginning of the season. we did fine and dandy in the cactus league. now all of a sudden we're giving up hits left and right and screwing up plays. our defense just isn't there. it used to be our offense. now it's the opposite. Hopefully we'll heat up in May. but it's already 7 games into the month and we've only won 2. depressing. absolutely depressing!

so i've been eating a lot more CRAP. like. crap. because i'm an emotional eater. and baseball makes me emotional. i've cut back on the drinking. now i'm just eating myself to fathood. not necessarily enjoying what i'm eating, just eating to forget the pain.

BLEH. i apologize. this is very sad. i even went for a spa pedi today and it didn't help very much. now my legs just stink of too many chemicals and i can't move my toes because i might smudge my $40 toe job. i even went to the good salon and still didn't help the depression.

in any case... i've almost been married for a year. can you believe that?!?!?! i can't either.


May 4, 2008
i figured out why i like to hang out with David so much. and why i can hang out with him when it's just the two of us--- because he's pretty much the same person as Brian. they drink the same beer, they think (for the most part) the same way. they have the same attitude towards girls, friends, (girlfriends), work, people, and life in general. and they both like to drink. a lot. SOOOOOO.... aside from david's rap sheet and divorce. same person. just different colors. hahahha! last night's escapade was pretty entertaining. a few beers and many shooters later, he was wondering how much it would take for me to be beligerent. um. the mistake there was switching to hard liquor. had we stuck to beer, i would have felt like crap from the wheat and would just have let it all go. blah. but luckily we switched to liquor so i could hold. =) thank you liver, for all you do for me!

anyhoo... my hibiscus plant decided to bloom today. three gorgeous coral flowers! i went to take a photo and my battery crapped out on me. but they're so pretty! and i'm very proud of myself for sustaining a life. i'm still waiting for my gardenia to bloom. they're budding really well.... now it's just a waiting game. it can only stand a couple of hours of direct morning sunlight... so it's probably gonna take a while. bleh.

it feels good to take care of a life again. i think i'm just using it as a distraction to keep my head out of work. it's been especially stressful lately. BUT--- a buddy of mine gave me good advice about the whole thing:: "you have to stop letting your heart make you decisions when it comes to work. in the long run, it will just hurt your career" wise words, but it's a lot harder to do that it sounds.