November 28, 2003
i'm too tired to complain right now. 12 hours cleaning up after people. dealing with a lot of rude people. hauling around mounds of clothing and faking nice to everyone that approaches me.

listen. i'm sleepy. i'm tired. irritable. and i just want to go home. 12 hours of work is exhausting, and asking me to run around looking for something impossible for you is not an option. please leave me alone. because i'm only milliseconds away from ripping my bloody pad off and stuffing it in your mouth. don't fuck with me today. thank you. have a nice day.

and that was the bulk of my day. i'm glad i had the day off yesterday to spend with my family. otherwise i wouldnt have survived today. yeah. okay. you try fighting MALL TRAFFIC at 5am to get to work. and having nonstop chaos and not being able to take a break. i'm tired. and i get to do it all over again tomorrow.

but all i'm thinking about is the fat check in 2 weeks. overtime overtime overtime. all which will make for a worry-free christmas season.

so me and the boyfriend have planned a gathering of sorts to hookah tonight. there's me, the boyfriend, the super-gay drama queen, the boy-crazy slut, the friend's anti-social boyfriend, the loud-obnoxious-flip-typ, the dumb blonde, the schizo shopaholic screamer, and a partridge in a pear tree. toss in a couple of hookahs, and a bar next door, and we're gonna have one hell of a time! thank God for good friends. =)

still trying to figure out what's up with the .com BS. there's too much red tape. i'm so over it. ugh. time to re-advertise


November 25, 2003
so NOOOOOW they tell me that i have to renew with network solutions first. THEN PAY THEM to transfer my site. this is STUPID. what a fucking waste of time this is. stupid .coms. damn them all to hell. =P we should just remember ip addresses like we used to remember phone numbers. bah. whatever. i have an exam to study for.


November 20, 2003
lately i've been feenin for cigs. i dont know why. but it's probably the stress. fucking glen. if he didn't make me light his shit that one night, i never woulda started craving. sorry bro, but you're an ass.

i just finished takin my stats exam. i dont remember learning any of that in lecture. =P so i was sitting there. stressed. and my mind began drifting as i stared at my blank calculator screen. and i thought about the time i found that calculator. in my sophomore year in high school. me, jer, mark, and jade were sitting in the far back right corner of the classroom. i think it was jer or mark that pointed out the calculator that was chillin on the desk next to me. i had a POS calculator, so i took it. there was a vans sticker on the inside of the cover. filled in with a red marker. ever since then, it's been the only calculator i use. it's been with me for 6 years. and probably gonna stay with me through grad school. hm. maybe even to my research lab. ya never know. all i know is that without it, i never woulda graduated from high school. (cuz of all the cheat sheets that conveniently fit inside the back cover.) oh well. thanks mark or jer for bringing that calculator to my attention. =) to you, i owe my high school graduation. =P


November 18, 2003
suffice to say, nobody reminded me to renew my domain. bleh. suckas. thanks a lot. whatever. at least i wasnt really aware of it til much later. fuckers. what if some porn site had bought out my account? yeah. i bet you would LOVE that! whuteva.

anyhoo. i'm gettin REAAALLLLY sick. and starting to revert back to my alkie days. my tolerance is still extremely low at this point, and hopefully it will stay that way. i really shouldnt be drinking til the holidays anyway. ooh! speaking of which...

all of our holiday hires... SUCK. our HR manager seems to have it in for our department. so she's taken it upon herself to hire for OUR department. so she put all the schizo non-english speaking girls in our department. cuz you know... you don't need to know ENGLISH to work retail. idiot.

oh well. starbucks cups are red again. the peppermint syrup is available, and the air is crisp. OOOHHH WEEEEEE!!!!! can't you hear the sleigh bells already? man. and it hasnt even passed thanksgiving yet. =P


November 12, 2003
hey erik... apparently, you're the only one that seems to read this. oh well. top of the evenin to ya! thanks for callin. it reminded me that school and work and my relationship with brian arent the only things goin on in my life. that there are other people that i need to touch base with every once in a while. that there are other people in this world (WHOA! what a concept). in any case, if i dont call anytime soon, it's probably because i'm not bored. =P and you said to call you when i'm bored. so good luck withdrawing (haha! that sounds SOOOO diiiiirrrrrty!) and if i dont get to call you by then, CONGRATULATIONS ON CROSSING OVER!!!! you may not consider yourself "greek" but you're still greek. get it? (yey! GREEKS (minus R) for life!) welcome to the cult life. you should come with me to one of our formals so you see how it is to be presented to the greek community instead of just your own. then we could share our best friend. =) or maybe we could share him over the thanksgiving break that you wont be in san diego (wink wink) oh. and sorry this doesn't make sense. working on my neuro paper robbed me of any and all useful nerve cells.

i wonder if they put my domain to sleep yet. hm. i still havent renewed it. hopefully it doesnt get sold to anyone else. *knock on wood*

tomorrow is marBRI anniversary celebration. everyone at starbucks knows what we're doing. and none of them will squeal. damnit. they were my friends before his. =( that's so unfair. oh well. i'll let you know what happens. err... or maybe i'll just call erik and tell him. cuz he's the only one that cares to read anyway. how sad. that makes me want to cry. because i'm selfish and self-centered like that. wah wah wah.

can i borrow someone's Christina Aguilera's Stripped album? i really want "The Voice Within." nice to see that she's finally using her voice talent instead of her attitude and her body/sexuality. 'sides... i have a feeling that it's a good album.

i want to hear you cry out in pain. i want to know that it hurts you. because maybe then you'll see how much you've hurt me. how wrong you were about everything. how much you've pushed me. but in the end, it worked out for the best... for me anyway. and i'm glad you're suffering. because your pain just makes it so much sweeter. and no matter how much you try to hide it, i can see it. careful now, you've got everyone convinced that you're alright, but no one else is quite as vulnerable.... but i don't need to hear you cry. i don't need to watch your heart break. or see the look on your face when you realize what you've lost. or the nothingness that you have gained. it's satisfying enough to know that you cringe whenever the thought crosses your mind. but.. sometimes i like to imagine that things weren't the way they are, that things between us weren't so sour, and that things could just go back to the way they used to be when we were happy. but i know better than that, and that's where the hurt comes from. so fuck you for hurting me like this. i hope you choke on my happiness. hmm. disturbing what you come across sometimes...


November 11, 2003
a year ago today, brian and i decided that we are supposed to be together. and that was the day he finally had had the balls to call me his girlfriend.
HAPPY ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY MY LOVE!

my gift to him was the first step to our life together. pillows. =) as stupid as it sounds, it's exactly what we needed. two, nice, fluffy (yet firm) pillows for our bed. pillows that took almost a month to find. pillows that set me back $75+, but were well worth the money, because those are the pillows that the two of us will build our dreams together. rest our heads together. and... well... you get the point. something useful. practical (kinda). meaningful. and will last us for years.

sometimes i forget how wonderful it is to be in a fulfilling relationship. to have someone supportive and kind. to help you in times of stress and insanity. to have someone that can hang with or without you. to hang with the friends. with the family. and with everyone else in between. someone to look forward to seeing not out of obligation, but out of love. someone that's in it for the long run but never forgets that we're living in the present, and that what we do now actually DOES matter. someone willing to sacrifice anything for you, because they know that you would be willing to do the same. someone to share anything and everything with. because you know they will accept you for who you are, what you do, and everything about you. to know each other like you've been together for years, yet still have a vibrant, exciting relationship that still feels like when you first started dating. it's great to be in love!

but, duty does not go away for love. =( as much as i wished i was with brian right now, i'm in the lab. trying to type up a paper. i just finished my I/O exam. my paper is due at 2. and i have an exam later tonight. =T but thursday... IT'S ON!!! he's got a little surprise day-long adventure planned out. OOH! i'm excited!

p.s. if you get a chance to see culture shock.. GO WATCH! they're awesome. there's a lot of talent in those kids. we went to the CS choreographer's showcase on sunday evening. a 3-hour show with performances from CS groups WORLDWIDE. daaaayaaaam CS switzerland was good. CS vegas had the best dancers, but i LOVED CS san diego's routine. and CS oakland... they could dance, they had an okay routine, but the synchrony (is that a word?) and unity... and they were so precise! it was impressive. but in any case... if you have a chance, go see them. they should be havin another showcase in a few months. just keep an eye out. or go to cultureshockdance.org

i really need to get to work on my paper. =) toodles.


November 8, 2003
fashion valley customers can go to hell. well... actually, they probably already will. =)

christmas has arrived in the land of retail. ho-ho-ho! here comes evil mar!


November 6, 2003
4 exams down, 3 exams (and 2 papers, half of my research project, and a presentation) to go!!! YEY! i'm more than halfway done with second round of midterms! i've survived! 6 more weeks of this shit and it's DONE!!! needless to say, it's been a heap load. DAAAAAMMMNNNNNN!!!!! i'm fucking tired. okay. back to studying. no more alkiehol in the system ;)


November 5, 2003
it probably isn't a good idea to have alcohol in your system while you're trying to study. hm. but damn this feels good. i've had a bad day at work. the second round of exams arent sittin too pretty in my system, so i needed a little therapy in the form of mood-alter...ers. yesterday i had my cognitive psych exam and history exam. also had a research methods quiz. today i had to finish two labs in the span of 3 hours (mind you, these labs require 2.5 hours of work minimum... but i managed to do both in 3). oh. and my introduction (worth 5% of my research methods grade) was due yesterday. i BARELY got it done on time. and we'll see how well i did. oy vey! tomorrow i have a behavioral neuro exam and a history presentation. i have YET to read the material for my presentation, let alone contact my group for any information regarding the structure of the presentation. fuck. and i had a really, REALLY REALLY bad day at work today. so much so that i had to be talked out of quitting at the end of my shift. i'm under a lot of stress right now. so i needed to get reacquainted with my friends jose, margarita, and jager. (me and jose are on much better terms now that he's joined up with blueberry margarita)

but you know what... i KNOW i'm gonna regret this in the morning. spent 2 precious studying hours at the bar and now i'm just barely able to get the jargon in my head straight. fuck. what a retard.

anyway.... chris's voice always seems to sooth my nerves, so i spun amarkamissionabrandascar. and stumbled upon some lyrics...

I am feeling agile
I can bend and not break
But I can break and take it with a smile
And I am so resilient
I recover quickly
I'll convince you soon that I am fine
Try to understand there's an old mistake that fools will make
And I'm the king of them, pushing everything that's good away
Wont you hold me now (I will not bend I will not break)

no really. i'm fine. this kind of stress (distress) is good stress to me (eustress). i thrive on this shit. man. i dont wanna graduate yet. that means no more school =( geeks like me THRIVE on mental stimulation. faaaaaack. my brain is gonna become emaciated and lose all of those intricate little connections. the plasticity of it will cause the whole of the cortex to deteriorate and become one large retail map. faaaaack.

i think that if i had the choice, i would keep my schedule like this forever. hm. there's a thought.

... yeah... a drunk thought. idiot.

anyway. i should probably try to study now. but that just means i have to stay drunk tomorrow. state-of-retention heeds the best retrieval! hooray!

marfiles... est. '92... published since '00. gibberish for all ages (18+)

can someone please get this girl some water, a bed, and a soft fleece blanket?


November 3, 2003
round TWO! ........................FIGHT!!!!

wish me luck on the second round of exams. =) christmas is coming! and here comes all the crabby customers! i've become the assistant manager of the department. OYVEY! as if i needed more stress in my life. it's k. stress tolerance is at a high. yippeee! let's just hope that this type of optimism will get me through the next couple of weeks. =P


November 2, 2003
my life as a college student. hmm. can't really say i've lived it up as such. can't really say i've lived up to the norm of the typical SDSU student. or a typical sorority girl. or a typical nerd/geek. hmm. makes me kinda want to belong to a certain category. but at this point i think it's only the category of "poor college student." hey. works for me.

as for san diego, skies are blue again. there's a lot of clean up to be done... but hell on earth (sd) has passed and i'm thankful that it has. thank God for all the help we finally received. and thank God that so many have survived and some of the community has pulled together to help out those in need. hmm. isnt it funny tho? that all this time we've had SOOO many people who need assistance, and it took a fire to wipe out the rich for the majority to finally take notice? sucks to be at the bottom of the totem pole. but hey... this time, only the top caught on fire. less weight for the base to carry.

... if that makes any sense at all. i'm not up to par at this second. my health is taking a plunge. so i'm not in any condition to be posting anything worth mindful.

shit. it's already november. man. where did all the time go?