November 30, 2005
post script
this is BOREDOM:::
last thing you watched on tv: CSI: Las Vegas on Spike TV
last thing you ate: cesar salad from a bag
last thing you cooked: eggs
last thing you drank: agua
last text message you received: "hope you had a good day" from China
last time you showered: 14 hours ago
last time you got drunk: i dont remember (time, place, or events of)
last time you had a date: a real date? about a week ago
last time you partied: last friday
last time you got scared: this morning
last time you worked: this morning
last game played: mind games with a certain taco
last great love: Brian Paul Valecruz aka Mr. Starbucks
last relationship: ended 2 months ago
last person you talked to: my mother
last person you kissed: China
last person you fucked: no comment
last person you called: Rosa
last person you hugged: Khris
last person you met: Jamilla
last person that called you: China <3
last person you gave your number to: twinnie Alan
last person that got your number: twinnie Alan
last person you thought about: i'm thinking of Dookie
last person you think was thinking about you: hopefully everyone. uh hur
last person that gave you butterflies: Check Guy
last person that made you swoon: China
last person that made you barf: no comment
last person that irritated you: some random customer
last person that emailed you: um. you. weirdo.
November 27, 2005
so... how was everyone's thanksgiving? hopefully y'all had a good dinner. some fun with family, and an overall very good holiday weekend. =)
mine was WONDERFUL. you always take the ones you love for granted. this thanksgiving reminded me of how wonderful my family is, and regardless of the distance, the drama, and the lack of communication... no matter what, we'll always be there for each other every step of the way. We had so much fun =) think karaoke, sudoku, Disney Scene It, and cranium. =) good times. good times.
i still can't figure this thing out with China. the way i figger... eh. whatever. it just baffles me how it happened. we went from hot&heavy to oldcouple to casual dating to nothing at all. all within the span of 4 weeks. i just dont get it. is this how people do it these days? probably. i'm just glad i didnt waste a number on him. =)
blah. sorry if i'm rambling. but i'm sick. i'm sore. and i'm in no mood to formulate sentences. all the product of friday night. FRIDAY NIGHT: the plan was to go to Gina&Erica's place for a housewarming, followed by dancing in PB. yeah. we get there, no one is there, so we ended up just prepartying with some marppleade, and heading out to PB bar and grill. a couple of shots and some strategizing later, we're on the dance floor. and we never leave the dance floor. for three hours. so we're sweaty. and drunk. and sticky. and i can't seem to find CheckGuy anywhere. (that was the mission for the night). instead, i end up meeting a guy named Will Santos (i didnt believe him, so i made him show me his driver's license). i kept asking if he was the same one from Seattle, and he never really answered the question. so the question is::: how did he know i knew a will santos, and how did he know i had an older brother? (his pick up line was "how's your older brother?") which i wasnt really sure if it was a pickup line, but i saw him eyeing me the whole night. ARGH. so the girls and I leave and it's pouring rain outside. we're still hot and sweaty, so we welcomed the rain on the short trek back to the car. and today...
today i get the runny nose. the stuffy head. the sore throat. the achy body. the sore legs (warning: do NOT dance in heels for more than 3 hours. take a break.) and the dizzy spells. crap. i've already killed a gallon of orange juice. so this better go away fast.
someone please find my CheckGuy. he used to work in Lemon Grove. looks just like Douglas Robb (but scruffier). his real name is John, but he goes by J.
that's all i want for Christmas. (aside from the laptop, a new digicam, and a diamond necklace)
November 24, 2005
self preservation. we lie. we cheat. we steal. we compromise others in order to achieve it. its something that's instinctive, and unless pointed out to us, most dont even realize it. some know it better than others, and refer to their actions as a way of being strong. in most it is something idle unless provoked. its primal. if you were in a struggle for your life, who would you want to win? it's you or me. and in your head, too bad for me.
i dont get it. being friends with Brian suddenly triggered something in my system. it could be my pheromones. it could just be hormones. but as soon as we were on good terms, something happened to me. China fell off the face of the planet. Dookie stopped being my little puppy. I dont get the looks that i was starting to get used to. and all of a sudden, i'm getting all bloated again. what's the deal?
a little over a week ago (pre-hanging out with Brian), i had no boy problems. the extent of which was "who should i hang out with tonight?" my body had no problems containing its fluids, and kept my bloating to a minimum. my pheromones were sending clear signals that all systems are go. and my phone was at least consistent with someone wanting to go out or hang out or do something.
and this week... nothing. the only person that i actually receive calls/texts from is brian. WHY??!?!?! i dont get it. did he hijack my frequency and receives all calls/texts for screening? what's going on? i find it hard to believe that all of a sudden, i fell off the face of the planet and everyone suddenly forgot all about me.
me me me me me stupid little girl. just stop being friends. and stop eating so much sugar and salt.
ARGH. this is starting to frustrate me.
OH yeah..... HAPPY TURKEY DAY, folks! Enjoy your tryptophan. =)
and this is what Mar is thankful for this holiday
November 22, 2005
I finally grew some balls and decided to head over to Check Guy's place of employment to drop off a cute little note with my phone number on it. I took three deep breaths, hopped out of my car, and trekked over to the bulletproof window. He wasn't there. Just two chubby girls. so i went ot the friendlier face and asked if Check Guy was working any time soon. and then.... *THUD*
there goes the news. he no longer works there. apparently, hist last week was when he helped me with my last transaction. when i looked like crap and rambled on like an idiot, and he greeted me a belated happy birthday. shit.
i blew my chance. UGH!!! so pissed at myself. i should have just blown off China for another 10 minutes that night. TEN FUCKING MINUTES and i would have gotten his number. or passed him mine. or been out the dor and on the beach with him. DAMNIT.
i would rather have Check Guy than China. I've never gotten over Check Guy. it was love/lust/crush/fireworks at first sight with Check Guy. and when we danced... i just fit so perfectly against his body. *SIGH* i hope i see him soon. *SWOON*
November 21, 2005
thank you sisters for a WONDERFUL night. you bunch of FREAKS!!! but I LOVE YOU!!!! i still can't believe we have a virgin in the Freak Family, but whuteva.... we'll get you soon. ;) jokes.
The Day of the Top Dog (10.01) aka Mar's Bday
More often than most, those born on October 1 are likely to wind up at the top of their profession, social circle or family structure. This is generally due less to their pushiness or aggressiveness than to their ability to function and mainatin a far-reaching outlook on life. Others seem to instinctively recognize the exceptional abilities of those born on this day and this last point can sometime post a dilemma, as October 1 people may not have a lot of ambition. Indeed, functioning at the top can put an enormous strain on them, mostly psychological, which they find difficult to handle.
The problems encountered by October 1 people usually center on their careers. For example, it can take years of struggle for them to reach an elevated social position, only to find that it isnt quite what they expected. Part of the reason for this is that they tend to be very serious individuals who may not take enough joy in their successes. Indeed, they can be plagued y those problems presented by their work which they are unable to solve- this is not particularly helped by their perfectionist tendencies which find it hard to leave things alone. Yet, through the difficulties they encounter, many born on this day demonstrate a marked ability to learn and ultimately to progress in their personal development.
As far as their interpersonal relationships are concerned, October 1 people usually seek out involvements with highly capbale and decisive individuals, but oten those who do not have high personal goals of their own. Undeniably, those born on this day will choose a mate who can both help and understand their need to further themselves. The emotional support of such a person is generally crucial to the success of their endeavors.
Generally October 1 people are very idiosyncratic and only know how to operate in their own peculiar way. However, because the results of their efforts are most often impressive, they will be taken seriously and ultimately even emulated by admirers. WHen these unique individuals are seen working, or perhaps shown in a photograph with peers or co-workers, they will often look out of place or unusual. They are indeed atypical members of their profession, due both to their unorthodox methods and working philosophy. They may come under constant criticism, much to their discomfort, if they focus on their work to the exclusion of important alliances and company politics.
Most October 1 people learn what they know not from formal schooling but from experience. Their professionalism is beyond reproach, and they generally appear polished, self-confident, honest and above all, dignified. October 1 people usually win the love and respect of others, even if it takes years.They are greatly missed when they are no longer around, and are spoken of fondly by the same people who thought less of them previously.
Numbers and Planets
Those born on the 1st of the month are ruled by the number 1 and by the Sun. People born on the 1st like to be first. Those ruled by the number 1 are typically individual, highly opinioated, and eager to rise to the top. October 1 people may have mixed feelings about their role in life, but usually have the stamina and concentration to hang in there, regardless of frustrations or confusion. The Sun symbolizes strong creative energy and fire, which is best kept flowing steadily rather than allowed to sporadically flare out of control. The combination of Venus (Libra's Ruler) and the SUn lends a romantic and idealistic aura to October 1 people.
Tarot
The first card of the Major Arcana is the Magician, who symbolizes intellect, communication, information, as well as magic. Over his head is an infinity symbol, which in some Tarot decks takes the form of a hat, in others a halo. Many interpretations may be drawn, one of which is that the Magician recognizes the cyclical and unending nature of life and is empowered by this understanding. The positive traits suggested by this first card include diplomatic skill and shrewdness but, negatively, lack scruples and opportunism. The choice rests with an October 1 person whether to settle for superficiality and illusion or strive for more worthy ends.
Health
Those born on October 1, whether of the more practical or spiritual type, will generally be aware of matters concerning health. If their pefectionist side is focused on improving or maintaining their condition, they will look after themselves impeccably. If not, they are quite capable of disregarding it altogether. October 1 people must especially beware of damaging their kidneys or other internal organs through poor diet or drugs. For this reason a balanced diet, one reasonably low in fat, animal protein, alcohol and sugar, should gradually be complemented by nutritional grains, low-fat yogurt, fresh vegetables and other healthy foods.
Advice
Bring more consistency of effort into your life. Shed some of your fears and concerns. Beware of self-fulfilling prophecies. Learn to delegate responsibility.
Meditation
When too parties are trapped in a bad situation, and one is incapable of thought or decision, the other must decide for both of them.
STRENGTHS: Unique, Dedicated, Dignified
WEAKNESSES: Crisis-Prone, Indecisive, Aloof
Erik's Birthday
Big Bro's Birthday
anyone else? send a request to mariaaalejandrino@hotmail.com
11.20.05.dude.what.a.loser
so i got bored. but didnt wanna sign off cuz i was talking to the most awesomest big bro in the world. so i googled "52govroom" and a host of shit came up. here. i'll let you amuse yourself.
article from apt 107 about racer boyfriends
random corolla article that i was moved to write
erik wears butt huggers
yeah. i was pretty loser-ish. hardy har. laugh at mar. she thinks she's a movie star.
big bro said "you should marry someone with a last name starting with "N"! fun with initials" i.e. my initials would be M.O.A.N. yummy!
and nada surf has a new song out. and i'm head of the class. i'm popular.
November 20, 2005
a lot has happened. i got all my stuff back from brian. we've hung out. we've gotten drunk. i saw the man i want to have and to hold in sickness and in health, but didnt have the balls to talk to him. phils with rosa. coronado with Dookie. i passed out in pb on the beach. China came back, and apparently he thinks we're together?
good times. holy crap. but it's only one thing that has had my head spinning for the past couple of days.
a few months ago, i went into my local check cashing place to buy money orders, and the most AMAZING thing happened. i met someone that has the face of Douglas Robb (lead singer of hoobastank. and we all know how obsessed i am with him). except he has broader shoulders. thicker arms. he's taller. and has a butt that you can bounce a quarter off of. we chatted. he asked what my plans were for the night. i invited him to go to mardi gras. (keep in mind that during this time, brian and i were still together. so this single business was not happening). His name was John. We had the most amazing CHEMISTRY while we were talking. our eyes were locked. we smiled. we chatted. we flirted. all through bulletproof glass. i was obsessed.
that night, (before getting completely wasted at mardi gras) i called Nemo. because he was the only one i knew i could talk to about it. i gushed. i asked for advice. i could not get check cashing guy out of my head. (ps from now on, we refer to him as "Check Guy") nemo thought i was crazy. and he had every right to. because i was completely swept off of my feet. the chemistry buzz lasted longer than any kind of alcohol or illegal substance that i have ever partaken of. (thanks mindtwin. you're the best)
i saw Check Guy againt the day after brian and i broke up. purely coincidental. he greeted me a late happy birthday. and i stumbled on every word. being single and having to face him left me with no confidence. i doubt that he even remembers me from the million years ago when we had that amazing conversation. but at least he still showed some interest. and unfortunately for me, i was this bumbling, rambling idiot. damnit. there goes my chances of having the hottest thing ever taking me out to dinner.
which brings us to friday night. when China decides to let me pick the destination. i picked PB bar and grill. he agreed. we drank. we danced. and while we were dancing, i noticed a familiar face against the wall. it was Check Guy. i swooned. we locked eyes. i smiled. and China told me he had to use the bathroom. (SCORE!!!!) so i shimmied my way over to Check Guy, grabbed him by the hands, and pulled him onto the dance floor. his first question for me was "isn't your boyfriend going to get mad?" so i told him, "he's not my boyfriend. i dont have a boyfriend." i think i included "he's just some guy" but i dont really remember. we exchanged names. he held me close while we danced. (and he's a great dancer) and our faces were so close together that i'm very surprised that we didnt start a fire with all the sparks going.
then all of a sudden...
China grabbed my hand. i told Check Guy i was sorry. and away i went. i caught glimpses of him the rest of the night. and he caught a glimpse of me and China kissing in the back. SHIT.
i had my chance. but at least i know where he works. the only thing is... what do i say when i talk to him? "hi. we have amazing chemistry. sorry i was making out with another guy the night we actually danced. but would you like to have dinner with me sometime?" hm. i dont think that's going to work.
the only person that understands how infatuated i am with this guy is nemo. and that's because i wouldnt stop trippin about him when we first met. i actually contemplated a breakup (or a break. which we all know isnt real) in order to even go back and talk to this boy and take my chances. yes. he's THAT intoxicating to me.
i think i have a series of posts about him on my blogspot. here are the links::::
me obsessing about Check Guy part 1
me obsessing about Check Guy part 2
November 14, 2005
aside from sounding (and probably looking) psychotic whilst i wrote that last post... i really do feel like joining the military. hey at least i'll get my citizenship gratis, right? i just miss everything about it. eh well.
so 52govroom.com has FINALLY expired. it's about fucking time. and to all the folks that never bothered to write down the geocities address... sucks to be you. you're probably better off without the ramblings anyway. you lazy fuck. it wasnt that many more letters. whatever.
brian and i have been speaking more frequently. on the phone. on aim. (and i told him to stop with the text messages, but apparently, he still doesnt get it) we're being civil. avoiding what needs to be avoided. he's making jokes. i'm not laughing. so things are starting to move along. hopefully things will move along so that i can get all my shit that i left at his house. (pjs, cds, ipod stuff, pictures, clothes, etc) i dont really know how to feel. partly i feel like i should just stop right here and now and cut off communication again. only because i dont want things to end up the way they did.... again. i'm tired of the games. if he wants me, then i need to see a fucking ring. (1.5+ ct round cut solitaire set in platinum, to be exact) otherwise, i'm having a blast being single.
if you've talked to me, you've seen how happy i've been. with time for myself. time for my sisters. not having to be anywhere. not having to plan around someone's schedule. not having any other obligations except to myself. i love it. i'm living it. and until i get sick of it... i'm going to keep doing it. i need to learn how to stay on my own for a long time.
i'm still teetering on the decision on whether i'm a cold, heartless bitch or if i'm just a very resilient person. i should have been in worse conditions after this breakup. aw hell... after any of the past three breakups. but the tears came and went. and the regrets never did. i'm wondering whether that's a sign of a strong, resilient heart, or one that does not really know how to love. i'm hoping that it's because i have a very resilient heart. but what does that say about me, anyway? ugh.
erik. fool. CUT HER OUT. friends dont let friends feel lost in love. friends dont let friends have their cake and eat it too! you can do it! *chooo CHOOOOOOOO*!!!!!
11.13.05
i watched Jarhead yesterday with my bestest ever big bro Reggiemeister that if it wasnt incentuous, i think would be pretty hot too (but big bro, that's just gross). it made me think about enlisting in the army. finishing some business that i never allowed to ever begin in the first place. stupid genaro. why did he have to go and join the navy? if he didn't i'd be an officer right now. probably be in iraq, but i'd be an officer. makin money for my fams and not having to worry about trivial shit like my payments to my dentist or what i'll be wearing to go out next saturday or how to lose this alcohol belly that's starting to develop. (p.s. it's not "happy relationship fat" anymore... it's alkie fat!)
just sitting there as the ever-so-hot Jake Gyllenhaal (sp?) goes through boot camp. through training to be a sniper. through all the shit that he goes through as a marine... made me want that again. it was good times. the brotherhood. the bonds. the shitting in your pants and being completely obnoxious. i miss it. i love it. OOOOOHHHH FUCKING RAAAAAA! yeah. i had to hold back pretty often throughout the movie from screaming OOH RAH and chanting. this is my weapon. there are many like it but this one is mine. without it i am nothing. without me it is nothing. this is MY FUCKING WEAPON. and i am nothing without my M16. they had everything memorized. the magazine capacity. weight. length. established. used. everything. they had the history down.
damn. i'd be a damn good officer too. none of this paperpusher shit that the navy has China doing. i'd be out there. delegating. commanding. putting shit faces that fuck up in their fucking place. discipline is key, motherfucker.
OOOOOOOH FUCKING RAAAAAAAAAHHHHH motherfuckers!
ugh. i'm such a geek. but you love it. and i need a place to displace all of this aggression and adrenaline. good thing gina just called for me to help her move. ooh rah!
November 13, 2005
FIVE days to go 'til China (we've shortened the nickname from Chinaman to China, btw) gets back. i've been practicing my moves for the lap dance i owe him for finding my earring. A few nights ago, i lost a little, mother of pearl hibiscus flower earring that my little brother bought my for my birthday. i lost it in his huge white bed. this little, tiny, white thing was somewhere in his apartment. i couldnt find it, but China took a long time out of his (notso)busy day to hunt for it. and he found it. and now i have to give him a lap dance to get it back. so i bought "Carmen Electra's Fit to Strip" Disk One. it's pretty good. very sexy.
anyhoo... i decided to bail on last night's festivities with the MensCollections crew. As sexy as Vinhman is, and as much as i would have loved to get him hammered to take advantage of him on the dance floor, it was a very serene evening that i think a night of drinking and dancing would have messed up. i did kind of regret it.... but i can get Vinhman wasted another night. maybe next time just a couple of us, without the hateful eyes of the other girls he works with.
Dookie decided to come with me n the girls to PB the other night. (man, Jer, you woulda had a good time) he was a "hangin out with sorority girls" virgin. so all in all, a very good time was had by all. Heather and I stalked our Japanese bouncer all night and Amanda flung herself into his arms (bitch). Pre-partying at Yah and Neris's ultimate bachelor pad was a good time. i envy his bar and entertainment room. i need to have a spankin place like that.. stripper pole, full bar, hookah lounge, bonfire pit, the WORKS!
did anyone else know that UTC closes at 7pm on saturday nights? that sucked. i was on a mission to find cute jeans that night. and sadly, the madison, the erin, and the emily jeans are not fitting so cute. the madison is too flared. the erin is too tight around the hip but loose around the thigh and butt. the emily is too narrow in the leg and wide at the waist. i did find a really cute denim mini, a burguny l/s tee, a scarf n boyshorts. and i spent $99.99 =) hey... that's a deal at abercrombie. so i trekked over to american eagle, and they already had their doors closed. =( soft close my ass. so maybe today i'll head over there and try on a few pairs. they have to have more than 3 types of basic low rise. it's FALL (actually, it's retail holiday already). which means all the BTS denim should be on sale. argh. i should just go shopping on wednesday (aka markdown day). yeah. that sounds like a plan. that's when my hair is gettin chopped off anyway.
that was good times on that stripper pole. i want one. right next to the regulation sized pool table.
November 12, 2005
i hung out at La Jolla cove. just people watching. watching all the first dates. all the families. the joggers. and the couples. there was a planet shining brightly down on them from the southwest. i dont think anyone even noticed how magnificent it was. the moon was shining 3/4th of his glory. and the ocean had gentle waves washing away footprints. the parkway is finished, so there are benches built for 2 or 3 scattered throughout the walk. i've seen multiple couples just have a seat, enjoy the scenery, then a couple of minutes later, have a kiss and walk away. they have no idea how lucky they are right now. no matter how crazy their lives are, just being here with someone special makes this absolutely PERFECT. its a chilly fall night, but it doesnt matter. because they have the warmth in their hearts and the possibility of whats to come.
i love it here. but now i feel like... i dont know. i guess i just have to look AHEAD. its been a turnover spot. its been my haven. and its been multiple first dates. hm. i guess we'll see.
November 11, 2005
it's supposed to be officially 3 years today. bah humbug. i spent the day working and hangin out with Dookie.
Dookie told me he was "very interested" today. really? no shit, sherlock. he's so old school it makes me laugh. he actually asked me if i had a CRUSH on anyone at the time. how the hell are you supposed to answer that? what am i supposed to say? he might as well have written a note that said "Do you like me? Answer YES or NO" hm. right. okay. because we're 12, apparently. Maybe because i'm actually taking time to get to know him at this point. with the other boys we just start making out. but he doesnt know that. he's always teasin me about going out on dates. and it makes me wonder what he does. school. work. babysitting, and then what? eh. he's been single for a long time. i guess after a while it tapers off by A LOT. sheesh.
anyhooo. i hate my boss. i hate my job. but i LOOOOOOVE the company i work for. what to do. what to do.
ok folks. it's gettin close to "going out" time. and plans have not yet been set in stone. erik's makin me think of doing laundry tonight. i'm broke. so that sounds like a good plan. my comforter needs a good fluffin, anyway. but i guess we'll see. tomorrow is me n big bro's "breakup recovery day." followed by Vinhman's show. (can't wait! vinhman is superhot)
bah. laundry it is. wait. nm. PB it is. for a booze cruise? hmm. i'll let you know what it is afterwards. i've never heard of it either. but sounds like my kind of fun!
November 9, 2005
post script
strange times. everyone seems to be breaking up. these are from the past few months... err.. or at least they're very recent...
Me n Brian
Big Bro n Sandee
AlanTwin n Patty
Chi-O twin n bf
Jan n David
Gina n Steven
Dionna n Matt
Catherine n Mark
Tuan n gf of 1 1/2 yrs
Charles n Reenie
Chassie n RayRay
Khris n Logan
There must be something in the water. That, or we're all just tired of trying to figure all this stuff out. no. there really is something in the water, because when i talk to these people, the concensus seems to be "It was just time". No wonder the nightlife has been so wonderful. =)
I havent told Chinaman about brian yet. I dont know how to tell him that i'm really not ready for anything other than dating right now. but maybe i'm taking things too seriously (but really, i'm not). we barely know each other anyway. yeah. things with him are just going waaaaay too fast. time to SLLLOOOOOW my role. 'sides... justfound out that he's a Taurus.
"What ultimately defines a relationship is another relationship."
November 8, 2005
ever since the breakup, i've felt more like a WHOLE person. It's something that, for a very long time, i thought would not be possible. i've always been a part of a couple. someone's other half. and with Brian, that mentality worked perfectly. he balanced me. he was every bit a part of me as i was a part of him. and when we broke up, it felt like i lost my anchor.
a month later, here i am, world! all me and no dependence on someone else for identity. =) i'm proud of me! no boyfriend for a whole month! if you scroll back through the seven years of this journal, you're not gonna find a month without me havin a boyfriend, or a serious prospect of one. (and p.s. Chinaman doesnt count. i just really like his apartment)
so today, diva memyselfandI took my day off and actually took it off for myself. no looking for someone to fill the day with. i scrubbed the hell out of my bathroom, i made my hair appointment, i did my grocery shopping, and took a VERY long nap (a long, uncomfortable nap... i really miss Chinaman's bed). Dookie asked what i was gonna do today... read between the lines--- Dookie wanted to hang out. um. its okay. i need some time para mi, por favor.
up next:: Laundry, mani, pedi, clean out the corolla, iron my uniform, and work out. =) its good to have me time.
awww POOOOOO! eric young and brian giles arent going to be padres next season. here i go. cryin a river. i'm gonna miss my buzz lightyear.
November 7, 2005
i've been spending a lot of time with Chinaman. We've fallen into this comfort zone. somehow, we've skipped through the whole "dating" thing, and ended up in the old-people-time relationship. i get off work, go to his place, we watch tv, maybe grab some dinner, watch a movie, brush our teeth, and go to bed. (p.s. don't call me a skank just yet. nothing has happened. his bed is just really comfy. and i love making out with him) in the morning we wake up, brush our teeth, he gets ready for work while i make the bed, and off we go. it's a comfy routine, and i dont know if i like it or not. it's either i like it, or he's just a lazy cow.
Chinaman will be underway for 10 days. TEN days without phone calls, the comfy bed, and the making out. i still dont know how to feel about that. but at least i'll have more time for Dookie.
Dear James. Oh my dear twinie... i dont know what to tell you. you'll be happy to know that i decided to drop the two flavors that i met while i was on the phone with you (or rather, the times when i hung up on you to talk to them). they weren't all that interesting, and there are more important things i have to get done. i'm sorry i was being such a bitch that night. but i know you know me well enough to understand that this is what i need. and this is what i've always been. and i know that my attitude towards all of this is what made you love me in the first place. and even though you keep telling me that you dont love me anymore... i know you still do. let me finish up with flavor of the week for this week and next, and i promise that i'll find some time for you. you never called dibs, and that's YOUR bad. but because we go so far back, you ofcourse will get yours in due time. IN DUE TIME. i know i've been a bitch. but that's because you've been a dick. so we're even.
November 6, 2005
post script
i've been seeing brian's friends a lot lately. hangin out with them, drinking, chillin, dancing. it's weird. they were my friends at some point too... so it's not so bad... but it feels so weird.
i took Dookie out drinking the other night. he told me he was up for it... no matter what reaction he would get. (he insisted that he would break out into hives if he had one drink). turns out... he has higher tolerance than me. or at least... it seems as if. i wasnt really drinking to get drunk (i was the dd), so i dont really know how drunk we both would have gotten if we had kept going. he's been throwing me curveballs... which is weird because he's the staple "nice guy." they've been good surprises... but each time a new one comes along, i just can't help but feel like he's leading me into the dark.
the other day Rosa had lunch with him. she basically told him to run the other direction before he gets hurt. he laughed it off. i wish he hadn't. because really.... i think he really might end up getting hurt.
this morning i took Chinaman to my big sis's starbucks. she mistook him for Dookie. he gave me a weird look. i told him a big fat lie. whoops. my bad. that's what he gets for calling me his. i'm single, damnit.
November 4, 2005
post script
i was talking to Dookie about his past. he told me about how bitter he is about his ex-girlfriend. turns out, she was a control freak who wanted to mold him into her ideal guy. she tried to change how he dressed, his social skills, and his friends. After that relationship, he told himself that he would never allow himself to get involved with anyone that didnt take him for HIM, and only HIM-- as is, damage done, no changes allowed.
which brings up an interesting point. now.... i've never been someone to try and change a person to fit my needs/wants. if it doesn't fit, then MOVE ON, right? but i've always been one to encourage my significant other to try new and different things, and am usually one to push him into becoming a better, more evolved, version of himself. i'm not asking him to mold into my ideal... i'm asking for GROWTH. trying something new, just to see if it's a good fit or not. how else are you truly going to know that you don't or do like something unless you try it? not only that, but as far as the future goes... its inevitable, so why not try to prepare for it? you can't stay the same forever. you can't stay in NEUTRAL forever. so i've always been someone to give that extra push into preparing for what might happen in the future.
which brings me to my point... how much encouragement, and how much pushing is considered too much? is it too much to ask where you're headed in life? is it too much to ask you to dress up for a special occassion? is it too much to ask to try something NEW with me? how much is TOO MUCH?
this is coming from someone that has always been open to change. always been open to trying anything new (except high bridges over water and solid sheets). it's one thing to stick to your comfort zone, but its something else to be closed-minded to new things... or even friendly suggestions.
and why is it that so many people don't understand how good CHANGE is? change opesn doors. change presents new oportunities. change shifts your fate. change... well... change is GREAT as long as you're open to it. as long as you look at it in a positive light. change is like anything else in life... it just depends on your attitude towards it.
November 2, 2005
did i ever tell you about my "sheets" thing? it hardly ever comes up, but it's something that i find important. important enough, at least.
for those that don't know.... i still sleep on a bed with winnie the pooh covers, pillows, and a giant, winnie the pooh comforter. why? because i'm a big kid, and i can't ever let it go. believe me... i've REALLY been trying. don't think that i'm exactly proud to still be sleepin in the same thing as a lot of toddlers out there. but i just can't let go.
i have this thing about sheets and pillows. they have to be PATTERNED. plaid, stripes, flowers, SOMETHING. just as long as they're not one, solid color. SOMETHING needs to have pattern. otherwise, i can't sleep in that bed. and if by chance i'm that tired, and i actually do fall asleep, i tend to have very bad dreams or pretty bad nightmares. there's actually been one instance when the guy had a SOLID WHITE bed (now granted, it was a down comforter and a really, really, really comfortable mattress) that i ended up on the edge of the bed the entire night, not being able to sleep for more than 3 minutes at a time. i just spent the night listening to the lull of his light snoring.
anyhooo... my quirks aren't important. it's just something that came up yesterday when i was talking to Dookie. now he thinks i'm crazy. but then again... this from a guy that actually turned in something that said "Maria's boyfriend application." i think someone has issues. =P
rosa told me i have a tendency to freak out about boys. i never thought i did. but apparently, she's right. she told me that i get scared too easily and run away as soon as i hook someone. but that part, i disagree with. i don't get scared... i just know that i'm not that interested, so i create distance. i don't really freak out. it's more like... keeping my options open for something better.
i'm hopeless. and chinaman is only good on paper. darn.
11.01.05
Dear Big Brho....
i just read your post, and i'm SOOOOO sorry to hear about you and sandee. i know nothing i say is going to alleviate any of the pain that you're feeling, but hopefully, it will numb at least some of it. i know that it was three and a half, very happy, very good years together. from what you've told me, it was nothing but good times, and an occasional spat. which makes the breakup even worse. but big bro... it's time for you to LET GO. if she says there's no chance of you getting back together, then that's your cue to get a move on it and get yourself back in gear. i know it's hard, and that not thinking about the whole thing feels like it would be demeaning the relationship that you did have, but that's just it.... it was a relationship that you DID have... but no longer do. Big bro... you're only 23. TWENTY THREE!!!!! you're so YOUNG and full of potential. i know you have big dreams for yourself. this is just a speedbump. remember what you told me? life is always throwin you curveballs. before you know it, you're gonna be havin the same dilemma that you had when i first met you. Don't make this about HER. this is about YOU. this is an opportunity for YOU to get your focus back in life. not just your focus on someone else... focus on yourself, and ONLY YOURSELF. you deserve better. don't think that this is the end of the world. you have a whole fraternity at your disposal to make you feel better, take you out, and make a WHORE out of you! j/k. maybe you just need to go drinking with your lils. it will make you feel better, i promise. I know everything seems like it's all gonna go downhill from here... but it's NOT. the downhill slope has FINALLY come to an end, and you've hit rock bottom. which means... THERE'S NOWHERE TO GO BUT UP!!!! so get your ass in gear and get back out there! you have so much other stuff to focus on right now.... get your pastry shop into the making, start planning those mortgage payments, burn off that relationship belly, get yourself an acting gig... and become that WONDERFULLY AWESOME BIG BRO THAT I CARE FOR AND LOVE!!!! There's no rule for mourning a relationship. let it go, big bro. there's no use trying to make things right, because in her head, it's all so wrong. why even bother? you're stronger than that. so please don't accept her calls. don't call her. just CUT HER OUT for 60 days... after those 60 days, then re-evaluate how you feel. she needs her time away... and SO DO YOU. you need to detox from her, and i promise you'll come out of it a stronger, better person. if you feel the need to call her, just STOP. you can call me instead. no more tears. no more wallowing. it's time for you to stop thinking about it and focus on better, more pressing matters in your life. LOVE YOU BIG BRO!!!!
November 1, 2005
happy november folks!!! get ready for early sunsets and early mornings. this will be a dooozy!
tonight has been spent getting to know a couple of choices better. and when it comes to opposites... these two are the extremes.
Chinaman is everything that i've always wanted for myself at 26, as well as in a man. He has his masters in computer science, is an officer in the navy, has traveled enough to know what he likes and loves in a place, has his own place (sans roomie), bought his own car, and has IMPECCABLE taste in everything. On top of that, he's the tall chinese guy that i've always had a fetish for. I should be in heaven... but i'm not. WHY?!?!? (i keep asking myself the same question). because for once in my life, i've found someone that i actually want to impress. someone that i'm impressed with more than is impressed with me. (and around san diego, to meet a guy like that is a rarity). he makes me nervous because he has such high standards.... granted i know i meet those standards, and if i had the means to, would be living under those standards as well. ... but i'm just not at that point in my life as of yet. he makes me nervous because next to him, i feel like i've really let myself go. and honestly... i know i'm better than that. But i know that if things do go well between the two of us, that he would be my motivation to finally get out of the crappy job that i have, get my ass back in gear and finally start my real life. but it's a matter of him accomodating to the chill life that i've established for myself, and me accomodating to the standards that he's set for himself. but everything comes with a compromise.... and at least this compromise would be for the better of us both. he makes me feel like he would be extremely supportive and would give me that push that i've needed for SO LONG. i'm very impressed with this one.
and then there's the polar opposite. Dookie is a nice guy. but he's Chinaman's complete opposite. But i'm drawn to him because he's so Brian-ish. and maybe that's bad. maybe it's good. maybe he can just be a stepping stone. but he's just SO SWEET that it's hard for me to say anything. i feel like i could be HIS cheerleader. i could be HIS motivation. but as far as potential goes, i'm not quite sure how much he has. he's a really sweet guy.... but everything about him just screams for me to stay away. and we mesh well. we have good conversation. we've had a good date. he's been through enough heartbreak that he would know how to make me happy. and he's definitely a gentleman. but making me happy is a BOYFRIEND quality. but he does have a lot of good fatherly qualities too.
at this point in my life, i need to stop looking for boyfriends. i need to do one of two things... i need to find a HUSBAND that will be able to support me and take me out of my parents' house, --OR-- i need to get my ass in overdrive and set my boost to 10 and get my career on its way so that i can support myself and whomever i choose to be with, whether it be a boyfriend or a househusband. the ideal would be both, but we all know that it's a tough thing to do.
Chinaman and i were talking about military stuff.... and we went over why he joined, and why i didnt join... and it made me start thinking about WHAT IF. what if i decided to screw Genaro and just join the army anyway? i wonder if i'd still be in iraq. i wonder if i'd be an officer now. i wonder how much different my life would be. Chinaman passed on west point. that tells me that he's got a LOT more goin for him that he's letting on. because honey, it's fucking HARD to get into west point.
he has the husband qualities. and the qualities that would push me into something i know i would like for myself. he would be my muse. my inspiration. and i would be his grounder, keepin him fed and tan... san diego style. he could teach me about new york life. how not to be as lazy as i am. he could open my eyes to something more than just SAN DIEGO... and not just by travel... but by culture and pace.
oh yeah. we had our little conversation trying to recall the majority of saturday night. apparently, HE grabbed ME. so dont label me a skank just yet, cuz he actually made the first move. and he said he was actually sad that he didnt get a hug goodbye that night. i guess Rissey and Steve were grillin him to make sure he was an okay guy for me to be with that night, and he said they were bein a lil aggressive with him (now that's sisterly love!). and apparently, my cousin chuck was grillin me about him too. but hey... all in good fun, and everyone seems to have had good vibes all around with him. i have yet to ask my rho-twin what he thought, but we'll see what happens. awwwww. i'm smitten!