November 20, 2008
Last night I told Pane that I didn't care. That I didn't want to try anymore. and that the reason I've been letting him hold my hand is because it makes it easier to live with him. Sounds cruel, right? Well I just don't care anymore. He made the plea that he's been trying to make it work. I told him it was too late to try. That he should have listened to me when I was pleading with him to be a better husband or to treat me right. He didn't listen. SO I'm not listening now. Not caring. I'm already gone. If it wasn't for this lease and this job I would have been home months ago. And I can just kick him out. But that wouldn't work out for either of us right now. We depend on each other too much right now. I'll be okay in a month. Just need to pay off some bills and I'll be fine. But not this month. And him.... he says he needs me but didn't show it. Yeah, he does NOW. But now it's too late. I kept telling him that last night. That he's too late. I'm done. Been done. Don't care. Won't care. And the fun part? He's made me look like the bad guy to his friends. Because his friends don't realize how crappy he treated me in the past. His friends (formerly my friends too) didn't get to see me pleading with him to treat me like a person. Didn't get to hear all the bullshit he put me through. Didn't get to see how miserable I was because I put a smile on my face and just grinned through the whole ordeal.

But I don't care. I have my own friends. They can talk all they want. It's not gonna do anything but hopefully make him realize he fucked up big time. And he did fuck up. And I'm just tired of fixing it and making it better. It's time to fix my own life now.


November 18, 2008
I went home this past weekend. No big plans or anything-- I just really missed my mom. So I hung out with the people I miss the mostest-- my fambam and my best friend. It could have been a bigger deal. But we just sat around and played on the Wii. Good times doing a bunch of nothing. I miss that.

I don't get that out here in AZ. Hanging out always has to be an event because we can't hang out anywhere "home" because it's also someone else's home. BAH humbug. I need to be single again. I miss it. I don't like being married to someone that's not even my friend.

And on that note, he's really trying to "make it work." I'm not. I'm done. I hope he understands that soon. Because I know he's not gonna change. EVER. So I'm just waiting til I'm in a better position to deliver the news. I know it sounds evil. But you didn't have to live through what I've had to.


November 11, 2008
If we stayed together, today would be our 6 year anniversary. I worry about him sometimes. He drinks a lot more than he used to. He's kinda stuck even more than he was. I worry because I still care. I worry cuz I don't wanna leave him in the dust. But in any case, I wish that he would kinda just get things together. One of the many reasons we fell apart.

Last night I was woken up at midnight and sent to bed alone. He asked me why I don't invite him to bed anymore and I just told him that I just don't want to deal with the drama when someone calls or texts me. It's unnecessary to have to deal with it. I gave up already. I'm not going out of my way to get reprimanded and given dirty looks. It's not worth fighting for anymore. So I dunno. Guess we'll see what happens.


November 9, 2008
Bought Season 1 of Pushing Daisies today. Popped it in and vegged out with the characters i've fallen head over heels over. (Or as Nick would put it-- heels over head?) It re-kindled the hopeless romantic in me. I was a bit afraid that that part of me died when I got married.

Speaking of which-- still not sure how much longer this is gonna last. I'm just tired of it. The charade. The actually TRYING to get to where we should have been before we even got married. I really want out. I keep seeing the possibility of being happy by myself or with someone else. But this situation is definitely not the one I plan to be in for the rest of my life. The escape plan is in the works.

I just want to see that look that Ned gets whenever he thinks of Chuck. Watch the show and you'll know exactly what I mean. You can't mistake that look for anything other than love.


November 7, 2008
As I was writing down my schedule for the next few weeks, I realized that my next day off from work... err... SCHEDULED day off from work is on November 15th. My last day off was on Halloween. And that was because I was coming off of long flights and coming back to a lot of work ahead of me. SHEESH! The mar is super tired. I think that if I haven't been hanging out with friends as much as I have been lately, I would absolutely go insane.

Yesterday we went to Dave n Busters. Finally! We've been trying to go there for quite some time now, but something always happens. I made friends with the bartenders. What's new, right? Cindy made the observation that mar has a tendency to connect with bartenders. Nice. And we played. And we had a jolly old time. Nick and I stayed behind for a few hours just to hang out and talk. Not necessarily about anything deep. Kinda getting to know each other better. But mostly just to spend time together.

It's nice. It feels like I'm actually connecting with someone. I know I'm married. I understand that. But how often over the course of that relationship have I actually been happy? Honestly, I think I really did get married to prove a point. To prove that I was loyal. I know it's for the wrong reason. I've been fighting that battle with myself for years.

And now there's THIS. Last night I had a dream that we were still hanging out at Marketplace cuddled up by the fire. I fell asleep and he was talking to someone about the wish he had made on one of the shooting stars that we've seen together. And he said "I should just kiss her" and I woke up and replied with "Okay" and kissed him. Even though it was just a dream, it was such a moment of clarity for me. Shortly after I woke up. Text him "wow. i just had the greatest dream." and fell back asleep.

We've seen 3 shooting stars together. I've made the same wish each time but have yet to see it come true. I've had my moment of clarity. Now it just needs to come to fruition.


November 3, 2008
The Mar is BEAT! I should really start going to bed early again. But sleeping on the couch makes for a late night on most occasions. I think it's been about 2 1/2 weeks since we've slept in the same bed. Yeah. Not so sure we're still even married.

So the 10 hours yesterday? Spent in a HAAAWWWTTTTT Rousch mustang. Driving around SouthMountain and appreciating the view. Getting turn by turn directions. Watching the stars appear. Making wishes on shooting stars. Catching the lights. Then off to dinner. BBQ at Honey bears-- nothing compares to Phils. Then we closed that place down. Hunted for an SBUX to chat. and closed one down. Then off to another one. And closed that one down. Then off to Yardhouse for drinks. ... AND CLOSED THAT ONE DOWN! So down the freeway we went and dropped off David's drunk behind. Drove a little bit more and said our G'nites. Then chatted a bit more online. and said our G'nites. I remember the last thing I said to him was "I think i may have misinterpreted our chemistry. Any thoughts?" Actually... i don't THINK... i KNOW. He asked me about it today and i chickened out and blamed the delirium from lack of rest.

Teetering sucks. I just want this to be okay already. But as of now I'm drowning in work. I should really play catch up but there's way too much to do. So I'm prioritizing. >_< The mar is beat!


November 1, 2008
SO after 10 hours of conversation, hanging out and just taking us where the mustang takes us... I just have this feeling of freedom. Not necessarily that I am free, per se. Just that I realize today that I really should be with someone that loves me genuinely and unconditionally. That's what I deserve, anyhow. Not that Giant is "The One." We're still barely getting to know each other, so it's not HIM that's changing my mind. It's the spending time with him and just realizing how far off I've become from being myself. How much I've changed since being married. Hell.. since starting this relationship in the first place!

Admittedly, it hasn't all been changes for the horrible. I've gotten my life where I really should be for my age. I have more direction than I did in my early years of college. I've cleaned up my finances (for the most part, anyway). And I've weeded through a lot of my friends and have learned to distinguish between the keepers and the ones to have around "just in case." So I've learned that much, at least. And it's brought me here... to a place where I've grown up more than I thought I could and learned as much as I should living on my own. And yes, I know I probably would just barely make it if he moved out. It's tough enough with his help as it is. But you know what... if it comes down to it... i know that if he leaves this month I'll be okay.

And this thing with Giant- I just really need to sort out my feelings. Or really just figure out what he's feeling. Because honestly, he becomes more and more amazing the more time I spend with him. And when I feel even a bit neglected, my heart dips a little. Because he has such a magnetic personality. He's so AMAZING. Like... as in the TOTAL PACKAGE! Tall, hot, HOT, educated, good family background, smart, cultured, ... I could keep going on and on and on. But I wont. Because I'm just making myself fall for him even more. I want to talk to him about it. But we haven't even gotten to that point yet. And i know it's because I'm married. And he's respectful of that not to try anything because he knows that it's not the right thing to do.

But how far do you allow yourself to hurt before finally letting it go, or finally giving in to how you feel?

I can feel that this is mutual. I know that he's the same sweetheart around other people. I know that he has the biggest heart ever. I just want to confess it all and let him know that I think he is absolutely wonderful and that the more time I spend with him, the more I feel like this could actually work.

Being with him reminds me of how it was with Brian and I when we first started hanging out. Just constantly on the phone and practically connected at the hip. It was the most wonderful time of my life to have a partner that I could depend on and knew me inside and out. But he doesn't know me as well as Brian does. My heart likes to hide, I guess. It's like that most of the time.

I don't think that Brian knows how I've pined for him. I don't think that Pane knows how much I hate him most of the time for actively trying to make me unahppy. There are a lot of things that I don't allow people to see because it just hurts too much to face the truth.

And that truth being: I'm unhappy in my marriage. We are not right for each other. Our ideals are not the same. He's not gonna bend that much for me. And because of that rigidity, I refuse to bend that much for him. A marriage without compromise will inevitably fail. This one is on it's last lap as it is.

I've had days when I want it to work. Because those days he actually shows me that he loves me. But those moments are fleeting. And a marriage can't be based on those few fleeting moments. Love needs to be continuous and infinite. I love my wedding set. It's PERFECT. I love the stability of being married. I just don't want to be married to the person that I'm married to now. I love being married. Just not in love with my husband. Yeah... I concluded that today.

I just want to make a very quick, clean, break. But I know that it's not going to happen.