Halloween
MACINTOSH SUCKS! STUPID LAGGERS. ARGH. I HATE THIS SHIT. AND IM WORKING TODAY. ARGH ARGH ARGH.
HAPPY HALLOWEEN GUYS.

October 30, 2000
I have a boyfriend again. genel. got back together last night/yesterday. (sorry i lagged gee::parallel.. OOOOH) well, what can i say, except that it hit me like the E. i was ready. it hit me in a blur. that this guy... no matter how much shit he puts me through, no matter how much shit i do, NO MATTER WHAT... we're supposed to be together. we need each other. we love each other. and nothing can change that. things can get between it, things can alter it's path, but nothing can change what we have. and that's unconditional love. stop me. im starting to get all sappy. but on the other hand, i feel like there's a lot of loose ends i left unattended. there's still those dates that i accepted from Jerry n Edwin. sorry guys. and then there's nEmO. how i do tell him? where do i begin? "hey, um, sorry to tell you this, but im back with genaro already." that hardly compensates as an explanation. but then again, everyone should have expected this already. i announced it right? a kind of pre-getting-back-together thing? or maybe not. but those who needed to know knew. dont get to attached, otherwise you'll get hurt. OUCH. that's harsh. so now i gotta summon up enough guts to talk to nEmO. argh. damnit. i dont wanna do it. but i must. do what you must and thou shalt not be .... yeah. shut up.
car show was.. eh. but had fun with the team. it was alllll rigged. fookers. and i have a speech to practice. 30 minutes left before i go up there... and what do i have done? NADA.


October 28, 2000
Damn im good. just had to say that. haha. whoa... its fun amusing myself with mind games. no effort either... haha. damn im good.
compaqs. damn them all to hell. P.O.S. computers. broken all the time. argh. suffering from online withdrawal. need my blogs and my email damnit. argh argh argh. need to update. oh yeah. text is small cuz of my computer. dont ask. i have reasons. but no time. argh.

October 27, 2000
1:35 am and im sitting in front of genel's gateway trying to finish up my psychology. damn aol wont start up on my computer. it said "if you keep seeing this window, go to Keyword: Help" um... HELLOOO! dur. stupid aol. i hate aol. but yet i always seem to keep paying for their crappy service.
so anyways, got a very busy day ahead of me. schedule's packed tight from 6am to 10:30pm. so i dunno what im gonna do with the lack of rest. oh crappers. i just hope i dont get sick from it all. bla bla bla. but its okay. time for some more vivarin or something. something that i know will inevitably make me sick from my restlessness.

October 25, 2000
Revelation on the toilet
sometimes it's the tiny little flickers of light that give me the deepest insights. but it's because it was from a tiny spark that i somehow fool myself into believing that i am fooling myself. [u gets?] but whenever i am blessed with those windows of opportunity, i never seem to take them, because i try to make myself believe that the facade that i see is true. i have a tendency to overanalyze tidbits of information. and i always seem to be right about the results, about the events in the shadows which always seem to give off a minute flicker for my eyes. which i always catch, but i never want to read into it because of my fear of being wrong and assuming and making an ass outta myself in the end. BUT.. in the end... i'm right anyways. one way or the other, the truth will always present itself. im lucky to catch it beforehand and be able to expect it.
i'm not always the one to blame. everyone has a backup. everyone has a reason to flee. but some are smart and hide it within the mistakes of another. there's a flicker... try to analyze. if it's one thing i hate, it's someone thinking they've gotten the best of me. no i am not blind. i understand a lot more than i let on. stupidity is the best facade. let others insult your intelligence. that just says a lot about theirs.
aah. if only the months had faces and could be loved by fruits. if my mistakes wouldnt be taken advantage of, my head would be so much clearer. haha.. funny thing:: genel told me something funny that kind of made me write this marfile:: he told me that before we broke up, he was actually looking for incriminating evidence to break us up. its funny because i knew what he was doing. and he couldnt find shit, so i did something to really cut it off. haha. man. if only they knew what i knew. no... that wouldnt be cool... i wouldnt have as much fun with it. HEE.


October 25, 2000
Jocelyn Enriquez
you would be in love with me if i could change your mind. i could put away these letters and stop wasting all this time. if you only felt the same whenever you were near. i could show you how i miss you if i had you here. just to see your smile. just to have that moment of happiness would make it all worthwhile. all my love. i've been waiting for you all my life. i'd give you so much more. now you're gone. and now that we are apart. i didnt know love would break my heart. are you still in love with me? the way i am with you? do you feel your heart is breaking after all that we've been through? heaven knows where you are now, but all i wonder is why. and the only thing that i regret... we didnt say good bye. i didnt know love would break my heart.
You were my world. you were my soul. you're everything i could depend on. and now all you are... is gone.


October 24, 2000
droppin Emotions
there are times in your life when life just unexpectedly bites you in the ass and sends poison running through your system and an excruciating pain in your body. at that point you dont know whether the poison will either heal you or weaken you. so all you can do is cry... and cry... and cry... and cry some more.
i dropped today. green nipple. why did i do it? i guess for the experience. and since i have a high tolerance for anything that is supposed to fuck me up, i thought that it wouldnt really do anything to me. i have never felt that way in my entire life. so much energy, so little inhibitions. none actually. i just happened to be with genel, who you know would ask me a load of questions to take advantage of the fact that i could not lie or hide anything. and to my surprise, i did the opposite. i didnt lie, but i damn well surprised myself with all the shit i said. all of these deep down feelings that i felt, and for hell i couldnt lie about. i was talking so fast and so much that there was no time to make up lies. so all i could tell was the truth. and even though it was coming from me, i was astounded at what i said. [what i said is not important right now, by the way.] there was a lot. A LOT. i never knew that that was how i really felt. because i guess i was trying so hard not to that i pulled the covers over my own eyes and was able to start out fresh, when in reality, it was impossible.
so now i've lost someone so incredibly dear to me and i dont know what to do. i miss him terribly, but i know that i cant go running back. because i am not ready to, and he is not ready to accept me. maybe we can both.... no. theres nothing that either of us can do to bring that back to what it was. something has changed, and if we ever come back to each other, so will have the relationship and the feelings between us. basically, its gone. gone. gone. gone. and however deep my heart is saddened, however much i will continue to mourn this loss, and however long it will take for us to become friends again, i know that it was done for the sake of both of our hearts.

October 23, 2000
got off of work at 9:30ish tonight. elliot and I were closing. we were playing. DAYAM WE'RE GOOOOOOD! it usually takes forever and a day to close up shop, and tonight, we did it in less than half the time with time to play. only Mother Hen and One Eyed Rooster can pull off a miracle like that. WOOOO! dayam im beat.

October 23, 2000
i never thought that what other thought about me mattered. .. with the exception of bosses and instructors, ofcourse. but otherwise, it never bothered me, and i never really did care what others thought about me... because i knew better than them. but today, i was enlightened to the fact that maybe i should start listening to what other people think or say. because its not always to criticize, and sometimes i can be blind.
i had a very interesting conversation with my cousin Cindy this morning. at firs it was all catch-up talk, what's been happening and stuff. and the topic of genel came up. i ofcourse didnt give all the details of our problems and what not, basically gave her the cliff notes version of it all. and what she basically told me is that she saw it in the relationship. how i was this little girl adhering to my boyfriend's wishes and was basically all in a different world. the things that i thought no one would ever see because i thought i was a much stronger person than that... to allow myself to be in a relationship that demanded more than love, friendship, and fun. and really, that's all i really want in a relationship. love, friendship and fun. some of the extra stuff is highly unneccessary and way beyond boyfriend/girlfriend stuff. another topic which came up was jealousy. im not about to get into a whole new essay about this, but basically, that's not that great either. i mean, theres a difference between healthy-jealous and bad-jealous. there's a bold line between the two, which some people just do not seem to understand. it's one thing to feel a pang of pain when your boyfriend or girlfriend is seen flirting (and not casual flirting, hard core i want to get into your pants flirting), but its another thing to restrict someone from associating with a good friend and nothing more. but there will always be people that dont see the line.
class has been incredibly boring all day. comm:: 3 very boring deliveries on 3 boring topics. psych:: zzzzzz i dunno what happened. i remember waking up because i was sleeping with my mouth open. soc:: need i say more? im hoping that RWS will at least keep me awake. we're finishing up A Streetcar Named Desire and might i say Marlon Brando is very yummy in his youthful state.

October 22, 2000
why must i lag so? lag lag lag. but at least i do pretty good. decent... on my assignments. but i LAG! lag worse than emilio. argh. no. not worse than emilio... no one lags worse than emilio. but dayam. ohrayt. i dunno.
been craving unidentified meats lately. hot dogs. spam. sausage. its all EEVEEELLLLL! hee hee. okie. time for work. and church. hahahah. is it the matrix? YUMMEH

October 19, 2000
im guessing people actually like to sneak up behind me, pull out the chair from under me, and let me fall backwards on my ass and then stomp my face into the ground. just a thought. it's been happening so much lately. one by one. night by night. maybe its all one big-ass conspiracy to break down my walls to just weaken me and beat me to this little pile of pulp. or maybe... i dunno...maybe its something about me thats telling everyone that im in need of a good backstabbing. great. life is so wonderful.
on the good side... went to a reading.. might i say it was very entertaining. maybe it was her syntax. so descriptive. sounds so clean.. but yet... so... DIRTY. haha. the lame who do not understand must be disappointed. they get a kick outta that kinda material, but to have her display those scenes in uncomprehendable terms.... how sad. how sad.

October 18, 2000
I just had a bomb dropped right on the top of my head. So unexpected, and from the one person i least expected it from.
so i cant go to pomona next year. or rather, the possibility of me transferring or moving out next year is almost zero. family problems. nothing i can really avoid. family is family. blood is thicker than water. and whatever they go through, then so must i suffer along with them. but what i didnt expect is to be hated on because of it. to be bitched at because of something i have no control over. to be ripped to shreds at a time when my insides are already torn to bits. so that basically makes me mush. just a bundle of tears looking down because looking up is impossible. i kinda expected this. a fallout between two best friends. its not like it was unexpected. two completely different souls that just happened to be thrown together on a team and created a bond that they thought was pretty damn strong. but.. rain and sunshine broke though it. weakened the bond and it cracked, split, and snapped in different directions. the different directions that they were supposed to go initially. but its pretty depressing when someone so close to you just slaps you in the face when you're already down. it sting like a bitch. and that bruise stays with you for a long time.

October 18, 2000
There have been times in my life when I have regretted saying something that I didnt mean. Actually, there have been numerous times that that has happened. Many times, it ends with tears or hurt feelings. Today, I've said a lot of things. Everything i actually mean. Everything from the heart. I've been really careful with what i've been saying lately, because I know that every word that I say will be analyzed and broken down to the very core of the message. But all i can say for now is... I have no regrets about what I have said. The matrix.... I love it... dont you?


October 16, 2000
man. I coulda sworn i put in a maRfile for yesterday. I guess not. getting old. i told you i was suffering through a midlife crisis all early.
So i'm sitting there reading the Daily Aztec and I come across an article on the recent tragedies on the 54 freeway. One tragedy per week with a total number of i think 8 deaths. and then i hear of yet another accident last night. same freeway. more deaths. i was wondering why the flag was at half mast this morning. i just figured those ROTC kids forgot to bring the flag down. but no. another death... on the 54. geez. over the weekend, i lost control of my otherwise stable car a couple of times. so i may be partially at fault. but it seems to me that ever since these accidents started happening, everyone on the 54 has been driving a lot more defensibly and dont consider the other drivers on the freeway. they have a mean-freeway mentality that just make them drive like dicks. that's whats causing all of these accidents. it cant just be because someone is speeding. people speed all the time and nothing happens. something has to happen for a car to lose control. i bet it was something like what happened to me yesterday. i was cruising behind this Eclipse. both of our little black cars were cruising at 80 mph with a comfortable distance between us. then the degree of the road begins to change and the little eclipse begins to slow down, and my little corolla slowly inches towards her rear bumper. i had the intention of changing lanes because her shit-car couldnt hack the small hill, and before i could turn my signals on, this bitch slams on her brakes and i veer left just barely escaping an accident, but losing control of my little car and had to use my CG muscles to get control again. when i pass by, she gives me this look of disgust as if to say "dont tail gate me like that." and im just like "i hate stupid people on the road." i mean.. WHY THE FUCK are you gonna TRY to cause an acident? i wasn't trying to drive that bitch into the other lane. i was just going faster than she was because her shit-load couldnt go uphill. bet her intention was for me to slam into her car. HELLOOO BITCH! WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU TRYING TO CAUSE AN ACCIDENT? man. i hate people like that who just wanna start shit. fuckin getting mad for some gay ass reasons and taking it out all recklessly.
more thoughts on the side bar. RIGHT SIDE. because if i add a lot more text here, it will erase the window. dont want that to happen again. new maRfiles next entry.
i just read my horoscope for today. it said:
LIBRA: A surprising development could change your travel plans. Saty alert. If you're going to be on the ghiway, listen to the radio traffic updates. Don't geta talking with your passenger and zip right by your off-ramp either.
scary shit considering everything that's been happening lately. have you watched Final Destination? considering all of the accidents that i've avoided lately, it makes me wonder if i'm next. freaky thing... i was talking to my buddy Josh this morning about the recent accidents, and i told him about my experiences on the road. and i, jokingly ofcourse, said "what if i died? and i didnt know it?" just freaked him out. and now, freaks me out too.



October 14, 2000
Man I'm beat. Work was um.... pretty good actually. worked hard, had fun, basically. It had it's moments. =) Rooster needs to call. Gave him my number again. Same napkin, different numbers. I think I should change my intro. Bubbles is scary when her voice changes.
Why have I been craving ghetto music lately? Okay, not all ghetto, but like hip-hop, rap, g-funk... that stuff. Okay. SO ITS NOT GHETTO. But whatevers. I can't really stand listening to slow jams and alternative or techno right now. Don't know why. Just wanna listen to black music. ARGH. WHY WHY WHY? Why ask why? Try Bud Dry. Oh hells no. MGD.... Lite.



October 13, 2000
Today is gonna phase everyone. I bet. Friday the 13th in October with a full moon. Okay. So I've seen a lot of white F150s today. I'm not scared.
I have senioritis again. Dayam. Good job. I see my high school friends and the laziness comes back. It's okay. It's only my freshman year. First semester. It's expected... right? Eh. whatever.
Chillin at school. I have class n 15. Should I stay or should i go? [Jeanelle, i need another alternative tape. with more pumpkins.] "Stop ditching maria." "nah, it's okay. it wont affect me." Gotta stop. Reality, please slap me. Not too hard though.


October 12, 2000
I feel a lot better today. Something just clicked inside my head to make me happy i guess. NO, i think it was the massive visitations I received at work and while trying to finish my sociology paper. Brought back so many good memories of friends, jez chillin and goofing off being kids. Really brought me back to that sense of being young again. It was the good days of high school all over again. Back when worrying about finances was trying to find money for food during lunch time. Back when relationships didn't involve fornication and all this marriage crap. Everything was light-hearted back then. I mean, it was only a year ago, but in such a short time, so many things have changed. Today brought me back to that childhood. Made me feel happy again. I haven't really been happy like that in the longest time. Today I had genuine lightheartedness and glee. Thanks Mark, Jay, James, Jac, Ronnie, Edwin, Marlo, Ty, Thomas, MarLON, Ron, and Andre. You guys brought me back to being myself. =)
Oh yeah... Courtney, Leesa, Daphne> and Theresa, thanks for the pretzels and just making me smile even more. Miss working with you guys... but winter time... LET THE GAMES BEGIN!!!!! Dough Fights... OOOOOHHHH YEAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!


October 11, 2000
If it was still Genaria, it would be year 2, month 4. But what does that matter now?
Geez. It seems to me like every time things are going well, it's only because I've been blinding myself from all the bad stuff. Facade. Good job. I need some X-ray glasses so I can take a good look at the people around me. Their intentions, their thoughts, feelings, words, past, present, and skeletons (and i meant that metaphorically and as a joke.. har har). Why does everyone seem so fake to me now? The only person that's real, I've blinded myself from. Or maybe he's not, and I'm blinding myself from the skeletons. Excess baggage. That's all I am right now. Not necessary. Just another hassle to deal with that creates problems. How depressing.
Oh yeah.. look at 10.10.00 entry of Gerard's site. Wow. That's incredible. He summed it up in four words. But then I read 10.11.00, and I wonder when I'll start feeling that way again. Man. I think the parallel died yesterday.


October 10, 2000
I hate cloudy/ stormy/ rainy/ gloomy weather. My rag isn't exactly helping my mood either. Neither are the slow jams pumpin from my stereo. Or the fumes from the Brasso reminding me of high school cram sessions.
Something is seriously wrong with me. Or maybe it's everyone else around me. Cuz you know... NOTHING is wrong with me. HAHA. NO. Just trying to add an element of jeanelle-ness there. But I think it's the pressure on me. From everywhere. I'm turning into this little ball of Cheng trying to hide in the corner. Don't mind me.
Dayam. This feeling is unshakable. And people are just driving me deeper into my funk. Fuck this. I need to go soak some towels with salty tears. FUCK! I really need to cry. But I don't want to. Cuz i know I'm stronger than this. Why the hell am i fuckin allowing myself be troubled by such trivial shit like who the fuck is talking to me and wha the fuck people are saying. Dayam. alrite. Maybe its jez cuz i'm so confused. My signals are getting all screwy. Fuckin weather. I hate this shit. Fuck. Tears are flowin. Blood is flowin. I'm just a fuckin river today.


October 9, 2000
Happy birthday cuzzin MARk. make this one good. party hard. smoke ur brains out. then turn 19. then turn 21 then party ur heart out. drink ur guts out. fuck til ur shit dies. then turn 22. basically.
ive been lazy to write lately. aced my comm midterm. only A in the class. how sad. but bombed my psych midterm. i need to change my major. oh well.
i've been feeling especially bleh lately. PMS im guessing. started my rag EARLY and now im paying for it. sex is bad guys. dont do it.


October 8, 2000
inspired by my old AP english class
Invisible Girl
Why do i always feel so invisible?
Does my presence lack the intensity or vibrance that beckons the attention of those around me?
Or am I just too Plain Jane that my existence is not worth recognizing.
My thoughts are nothing to consider. They`re nothing important.
Those around me who don`t notice just pass them off as insignificant.
Dust? Dust you say?
I scream and nothing happens.
I cry and nothing happens.
I disappear, and yet...
Not like it matters.
I`m just the invisible girl.


October 7, 2000
More than Words Devotion
Saying I LOVE YOU is not the words i want to hear from you. Its not that I dont want you not to say it but if you only knew how easy it would be to show me how you feel. More than words is all you have to do to make it real. Then you wouldnt have to say that you love me cuz id already know. What would you do if my heart was torn in two. More than words to show you feel that your love for me is real. What would you say if i took those words away. Then you couldnt make things new just by saying i love you. More than words. Now that ive tried to talk to you and make you understand. All you have to do is close your eyes and just reach out your hand and touch me, hold me close dont ever let me go. More than words is all i ever needed you to show. Then you wouldnt have to say that you love me cuz i'd already know. What would you do if my heart was torn in two. More than words to show you feel that your love for me is real. What would you say if i took those words away. Then you couldnt make things new just by saying i love you. More than words.


October 6, 2000

if you told me you love me
how would i react
to a declaration of feelings
completely alien in my system
still harmoniously coexisting with all of
my bodily functions
left in a state of confused bliss
my head in the clouds
heart submerged in warmth
content with its location in
a fluffy pink world
full of yellow-faced emotions
eyes dilated stomach churning
all inhibitions hidden deep within the silver lining.
then it rains
the silver lining is gone
and nothing is left but raw emotion
silently screaming for a response
beckoning to fit comfortably
in this happy little world
with the population of two.
two to live in private
contentment together
outside influences feelings distractions
non-existent as long as this duo
remains trapped with this
limbic system product
which they have created
to cage each other in.
if you love me then do not
box it in words so that it can be presented
to me with an underlying Hallmark
embedded message
tainting the emotion
purity comes only with actions.
and with only these non-verbal aspects
can i ever believe anything to be true.

October 4, 2000
83 flashcards in 6 hours. 6 hours of monitor time meticulously taking notes on Bio-Psychology. Vivarin. Double Espressos. Cappuccino. Strong Columbian caffeinated coffee... black. 203 key terms to flashcard, learn, memorize, and put into a brain function that makes sense. Serious lack of rest. 8 hours of work tomorrow.


October 3, 2000
I seriously need to find a new server. One without these damn pop up ads or banners slowing my tish down. So I can stop with the stolen gifs and the tacky banners. so i can make some room on my geocities. And my blogger can function properly. I'm maturing web-ly and theglobe.com is not accomodating the growth. argh.


October 2, 2000
Contrary to popular belief, you are not the center of attention on your birthday, nor are you any more special on that day than the next Joe in the beat up old celica next to you on the freeway, and you are not entitled to greetings from every soul that knows of your existence. I've known this since a few birthdays ago, when it seemed that everyone except my older brother remembered that that day was the anniversary of the day I almost killed myself trying to avoid drowning in a sea of blood. So what can I say? Another year, another disappointing birthday. But I've come to expect disappointments. That's why I try not to set myself up for it even more by even attempting to plan anything out. Because I know that somewhere between perfect planning and being party pooped, some idiot will have to screw it up and make my birthday miserable. But even when I do plan an insignificant little trifling event to celebrate my birth into this world, something happens. Aaaah. The joys of being an insignificant useless speck of dust in this infinite universe.


October 1, 2000
It's been less than 15 minutes into my birthday. Greeting count so far: 4. I need to sing a little birthday song for me. And Xtreme Imports is today. Hope its actually good this year. It doesnt feel any different from being 18. Actually, I still feel like im 16. No, I've been feeling 17 lately... being more independent.. but not 19 independent.
19 years ago (almost exactly, because I was born at midnight), I was strangling myself with my own umbilical cord. My face was covered in my mom's uteris blood, my face was beginning to turn red and black and blue from the lack of oxygen, my mom was pushing and struggling to get me out, but keep me in. The doctor was trying to keep me alive. And as fate would have it, I'm here today. Good or bad? I guess good. Year 20, here i come.