October 30, 2001
well at least this time my time away from the computer has been eventful. not extremely, but enough at least. do you want a list? i think ill make a list. =P just for you. and only you. because i know how much you love me. or if not, i dont care. because i want to remember what happened to me that one time that i was away from the computer for 6 whole days and missed out on everything that was happening. =P
the topper had to be Cindy DELIVERING! had a 5lb baby girl on saturday. i get to visit the mommy n the baby today afterschool. YEY! i have a NIECE!!! FINALLY! girls are such a rarity in the Alejandrino clan.
worked another 16 hour shift saturday night/sunday morning. and it was daylight savings. how nice was that. an extra hour to spend at work. well at least i got some overtime.
and more work stuff... i got promoted to lead cashier. so basically i get to handles all the money and train the new-hires how to do everything. cuz you know.. i got skillz like that. and that's skillz with a z, not with an s.
went to sea world. the haunted house was LAAAAME. the highlight was when one of the mummies started cracking up at Rendell because he got so freaked out. this mummy guy was actually pointing and laughing at him. that's cruel.
and i worked. worked worked worked. the new sweaters smell like wet dog. and they're all fluffy. so when i got off i was covered in wet-dog-smelling-lambswool. baaaaaaaa.
did fine on my history midterm. ofcourse i wont find out the results until tomorrow night. when its all dark outside and i have to walk to my car in the dark all by myself. im scurd. i think ill call for a campus escort.
ooh. and i learned how to dance to "Im a Slave" by Britney Spears. and i get to do my own rendition of the song "Smokescreen."
and i lost my pledge pin at sea world. i think shamu ate it. i was freaking out. bah. there goes $25 down the drain. or rather.. shamu's drain. (uh hur hur)
and i saw a MANATEE!!!! i wish i took a picture with it for mark. cuz he's always calling our fat customers manatees. nnnnnnnnnnnnnggggggggggggggggg.
ooh. and there are a bunch of blondes making out with short guys all over campus. ive never seen that before.
mmmmmmmmmm. im hungry. i want some arrozcaldo. but i have to study for my art midterm which will be in an hour. food first or art first? bah. ill tell you what happened later.


October 24, 2001
i kinda told myself that i would stop writing about stupid sorority shit in here. but when it consumes more of your time that you spend sleeping, eating and going to school and work... then it becomes a problem.
this shit is so overwhelming. they expect me to be superwoman. i know my SN is superMAR, but HELLO! i didnt mean it THAT way. ugh. i need some ecstacy or something to keep me going. adrenaline and "love" and rest is just not cutting it. it's okay. come december, it should be all good.
my car hasnt been washed in forever and a day. my cousin is dropping a Twin turbo GT-R (R32) engine in his little tiny S15. and my turbo is lagging like a mother. but my intercooler is shiny! oh yes. i uploaded pics of my car. even though i wasnt at the show... some gracious webmasters allowed me to steal the pictures that they took of it. for now, the pictures reside in my picture directory. http://www.oocities.org/marpictures they should be under "gen_hin" or something like that. starts with "gen" so click on those. and however generic the pictures are, bare with me. im not pro remember? bah. i need to be soon tho. =P


October 23, 2001
dont you hate it when the novelty wears off? then you're left with this gaping hole in your life that was once filled with such ecstacy and emotion? bah. oh well... it happens. who cares.
im starting to lag again. it must be that mid-semester syndrome. where you think you're doing okay. but you're really not. then you start falling behind. then you screw yourself over for the rest of the semester. and the night before finals week you're in front of your monitor desperately looking for answers because you kept falling asleep in class and ditching to hang out with people and wasting time. ugh. neverending cycle of failure.
and i swear to you that i thought i was doing horrible because i didnt know anyone in this God-forsaken institution. but now that i know people here, im doing the SAME! damnit. you just cant win with school can you?
yes. and MUCHO PROPS to Mr. Reginald B. Alex for placing first in the integra division at Hot Import Nights. and first in the integra division at Extreme Imports. and at that other show. all three shows of which i was a no show. im starting to think im bad luck for mr. alex. but GO ICZER! and also congrats to Mike from Saga for his second place in the toyota class. and mr. john jigga for placing first at Extreme imports in toyota class. WOOOO! GO ICZER! comin up you guys! YEY! especially you mr. president! (hey at least my car is doing okay!) which reminds me... i have no pictures of my car yet. =P the after-shop results. BAH. time to surf again.


October 21, 2001
whoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoaWHOA! i cant believe i dont miss this as much as i did before when i missed 3 full days of internet withdrawal. and do you know WHY? because of my lovely, beautiful and adorable sorority sisters. and you know what more? im dead serious about that last statement.
this weekend was such a turnaround in my pledgeship. all of that negativity. all of that anguish that i was feeling... almost completely eliminated.... at least those feelings that i had about my pledge sisters... as for the elders... i still have a lot to say. its just not the time. but my pledge sisters.... WHOAWHOAWHOAWHOAWHOAWHOA! they're just awesome. and the weekend was just bodacious.
im not at liberty to blabber about everything and anything that we did during our Mission, but i can tell you that i had about 5 hours of sleep from friday morning until tonight. and im running on a happy high. and we volunteered at the Breast Cancer Awareness walk in Balboa Park. and we took up an entire space at Dennys. and we went shopping in our matching outfits. and we played football at the beach with frat boys. and we played volleyball in the park with other sororities. and we took a mini tour of san diego. and we were matching all weekend long. and we were giggling like a bunch of hyenas everywhere we went.
and you know what? i loved every minute of it. what a change. im getting that CG sensation again. whoa. here comes the next loop of my life.


10.18.01.almost.friday.
erik, ill clean your room if you clean mines. =X yours is easy (that's what HE said). check out my room. yes. those are piles and piles of clothes. the ones on the floor are dirty. the ones on the buried bed and couch are clean. eek! why is there so much POO(h) on my bed??? (uh HUR!)
i just realized that my pledge sisters are comin over to mi casa tomorrow before mission impossible. YIKES! can i borrow a house to hide my mess in? or SOMETHING. yeow well. "God made dirt so dirt dont hurt." (i wonder how many kids that ate poo told themselves that.)

10.18.01.sitting.up.in.my.room
i really should be memorizing stuff right now. but i dont think i can. im not lazy. i just have no motivation to do it. my brain has been fried since last week. anything more and ill be a vegetable.
im a born-again-red-bull drinker! remember when i got all naseaus that one night after downing 4 red bulls in the time span of 8 hours? after that, i quit on the red bull. but today.. TODAY i was just craving that gasoline lookin beverage. so i went for it. (and i had to break my $5 somehow) my eyes were wider than an anime cartoon characters all throughout some boring video in Art. mar's addiction all over again. coffee tastes good, but you get that nasty breath afterwards. with red bull, you just smell like taurine. *huff huff*
yes. i am being pointless. but so what? you're reading anyways right?

October 18, 2001
i meant to write more last night, but i was BEAT! doing nothing all day followed by doing a lot makes you tired. so after work i just crashed on the couch.
BUT! i was able to watch the news. did you hear? did you hear? MC HAMMER IS BACK! he just finished recording a music video for his new unity of america song. and he's like dancing in capital city with a bunch of members of congress. he's all pimped out in white with a bunch of flag bandanas wrapped around his ankles and arms. talk about capitalizing on a tragedy. what the hell is that about?
and did i tell yah? huh? huh? huh? I ROCKED MY HISTORY ESSAY! woooohoooo! look at me! im smart! haha. not really. but i got a perfect score on my history essay on Confucius. it was one of those timed writings. i did a page and a half in 15 minutes. i coulda done a lot better, but heeeey! i did WONDERFUL! cuz i rock and you dont! =P
okay. that moment of vanity was fleeting. im over it now. ugh. but arent you glad to see that im not depressed anymore? WOOOWEEEE! i must be on drugs or something. because i feel grrrreat. *yuck. someone just let out a big WOOFER in the computer lab. and the girl next to me is chewin on some strong gum. mmmmmmm. minty fart. what a combo!*


October 16, 2001
had a very enlightening talk in the car with Lisa tonight. turns out she's feeling the same way. we have a lot in common. that's nice to know. and its much nicer to find out that im not alone in my distress about depledging. so i guess my sisters really do feel the same. it's just not out in the open. really wish we were more open to each other tho. it seems just so impersonal. BAH. too much sorority talk gets you your head after a while.
hey i got my newest issue of cosmo in the mail today. cant wait to make the pages dog-eared. =) if i get any time at least. there's just too much crap going on that its nuts. or as kenny would say "silly." never did get the hang of that word. eck.
dum dee dum dee dum. this has made me incredibly boring. i should go jump off a cliff or something. do something with my life worth recording. being broke just isnt cutting it.


October 15, 2001
its hard to wake up when the shades have been pulled shut.
"WEAK! WEAK!WHY ARE YOU SO FUCKING WEAK?!?!?!" the words are still echoing in my head. in the voice of Nana Melissa Neivera, Mommy MaryJane Dullas and Lola Llewelyn Galace. i guess it's a form of motivation. but it's retrospective. im not doing this for anyone else except them. i wish i had some way to contact them to talk about all this sorority stuff. i just dont feel comfortable enough yet because these girls are so unlike myself. their minds function in a different way. i want to say as if it was slower, but its not really. i just want to talk to my nana or my lola or my mommy. they'll understand. they'll pull me through it. they've always been there with the right purpose. with the right kind of motivation. with the right way of communicating it to me. it was never that much of a contradiction with them. they laid it out. they slapped me in the face with reality and thats how i knew. thats how i understood. because they didnt bullshit all of it. they never pulled a facade over my face. they were real about it. that's why i miss ColorGuard. i thought that by doing this, i would relive all of that. so far no luck.
but im still trekking ahead. i see the big picture. as clear as day. but as for determining whether it is for me or not... that's whats hazy. like i said... i can hack whatever they throw at me. i understand just punishments. i can comprehend hidden meanings. i can revel in the significance of each activity. but when i begin to lie to myself, when i pull the blanket over my own head, that's when i begin to really think about it all. the thing with me is that i always want a balance. i thrive on achieving it. and ive been a loner. ive been all negative. ive been completely real. and now i feel unbalanced. and this is my way of getting back my momentum. but its hard. my morals are compromised. and most of the time its just not working out. and their balance is way off. and it's throwing me off. UGH. i need to breathe. i need to talk to someone unbiased. but also someone that knows me. someone that knows each aspect of all of it. but there's no one out there. maybe dwin, but he's hard to get a hold of. maybe i just need to start meditating again. so i can at least get my shit straight.
i remember when i learned my entire knowledge packet. i could go up to any of my leaders and say "fuck you. i know my shit. DO YOU? show me why i should respect you and i will. dont expect respect just because you have seniority and therefore authority. i have to earn your respect, so you have to earn mine." ofcourse i never had the balls to say that, but it was always in my head. philosophy. superiority. reality. respect. this is what it's all about. not contradiction. not narcissism. not deceit.
i miss ColorGuard. i miss the ideals. i miss the sisterhood. i miss the unity. i miss the superiority. i miss everything about it. and now im trying to fill that void of my life with something less. something similar. but its not the same. its not CG! i dont have my nana getting on my ass about being the best damn commander there ever was. i miss dullas screaming at me with her last breath to finish my push ups. i miss lady pushing in my diaphragm to get my commands crisp, clear, and loud as fuck. i miss jenny doing push ups with us because she understood that it was hard for us after hours of practice. i miss DEL making fun of us and then dropping us for 50, but giving us something to laugh about. i miss the stories about soriano. i miss CJ and how he always tried to make us feel inferior, but at the same time giving us motivation to exceed his males.
and i miss my sisters. no matter how far apart we are now. no matter what kind of shit we put each other through. what we had is something that NOTHING in this whole fucking world can ever replace. i dont care what the fuck has happened to deteriorate our relationships, i still love them because they are my sisters. they went through hell and back with me. jeanelle, you little ungrateful fuck. you were my best friend through and through. melissa and lerane, you guys turned on us. but now i understand because im doing the same. theres just so much i have to say to you. bernalyn. what can i say about you. you tried so hard for us. but im so sorry we didnt try as hard for you. i love you so much. josie. josie josie josie. holy shit what would i do without you? you made everything happen. little DEL i wish you didnt forget. i wish you stuck with us. you always made me laugh. and last and ofcourse not least, kristin. we had it. it was all you and me. we were IT! you were my best left side flag. but you went off to pursue other flags. we had everything down pat. i never had the same cadence with any other flag other than you. you guys were the best.
and what can i say about my brothers? we had the best brothers. we had the closest family. i miss my CG family. those were the best times of my entire life. it ended way too soon. and that's why im here. trying to fill this huge black hole that leaving you all left in my heart and in my life. nothing will ever replace CG in my heart. nothing can compare to that love. to that bond. to those memories. no matter how much you glitter anything else. i may have corrupted my path towards my future by devoting so much time to CG, but i would never change anything about it. even if i became homeless and hopeless because of CG, i would never turn back the hands of time. sometimes what you leave behind is more significant than what could have gained.


10.14.01.night.night.not.good.night.
that "Fall 2001" thing just got too passe. i was seeing it way too much online. and i did that fall shit at the beginning of the "fashion fall" which was back in the summer solstice. damnit.
pooh bear is here now. he just got pulled over. more later.

October 14, 2001
God, please forgive me for being such a flake.
i hate being such a chicken. ARGH! cant even bail on some girls that i would like to bail on. then i bail on people that i dont want to. err. make up your fucking mind mar! yeow well. i do that. that's me. i guess. ugh. what a loser. if i wasnt me, i'd be baggin on me so hard that i would lose the self-esteem to ever show my face. oh the shame! the shame!
hey Corky was pretty entertaining. i wouldnt say that it was good, but it was entertaining. it was too Hollywood. but it was pretty funny for being so unrealistic. it was like a live cartoon. it's a good date movie, i guess. its good to get your spirits up. now i cant wait until Shallow Hal.
there was a song by Cake that i heard last night. i loved it. it was one of those happy songs from high school. it's just being clouded by their rendition of "I Will Survive." so it's on the tip of my tongue, but i just cant seem to get the melody in my head.
p.s. if anybody has access to Confucius' Analects, may i please borrow it? and after i borrow it, please read it. it's very enlightening.
time for laundry.


October 12, 2001
first, lemme say a few things before i completely bore you out of your mind with emotions. i ROCKED that geography exam. highest score in the class, and the closest person "on my ass" got 10 questions right less than me. also spent some time with dwin last night. maybe ill do a blogspot about it later. but bah.
there's been a lot running through my head lately. ignorance is bliss and i have never had a full grasp of that concept until of late. this whole sorority thing... i woke up from it. i learned so much. and it's all the wrong things. it's all the things that i didnt want to know. but what i found out is what changed my mind. everyone knew this wasnt me. i just didnt wanna listen. because i fooled myself into thinking that a "sisterhood" would fill that space. i guess it might. but i would have to give up a lot of my morals just to fill that void. i can hack the physical shit. i can hack the humiliation. i can hack the time management problem. i can hack everything that they chuck at me. but i wont do it if i dont believe in what is happening. if i see a dark road ahead of me, then light at the end of the tunnel, then HELL YEAH im gonna risk everything just to reach that light. but if all i see is darkness, then ill just turn back and return to the light. it's not worth it if there's no long term advantage.
right now im still in the process of trying to convince myself to stick it through. that everything will be alright. that all of these mindsets can be changed. but im fighting a losing battle. and no one has my back. if they knew me, they would know. and they would help. but no one is taking the time. so they're not. and the only thing keeping me here are the commitments i have already made. but i wont make any more until things change.


October 10, 2001
we need to challenge any pre-conceived notions we have of college.
refuse the friendship of all who are not like you; and if you have made a mistake, do not be afraid of admitting the fact and amending your ways.--Confucius
last night i took a 180 on this whole sorority issue. i guess it was teh anger in my mom's voice when she told me to come home that snapped me back to reality. i started to think clearly for the first time n a long time. i thought of why. and i thought of who. why am i doing this? for who? and at what cost? im sacrificing so much of my time, money, and just precious little things that i dont need to be. im beginning to turn my back on those that i love just for acceptance. and i shouldnt be doing that. i dont need to be doing that. and especially for something that i see nothing in the future for me. no advantages. nothing but bullshit.
when i decided to pledge, i was shown this facade about learning more about yourself and how if would benefit me in the future. how i would be able to help other people and have this sisterhood amidst it all. i thought that by pledging, i would make friends that would be real friends. i thought that i would get to know these girls on a deeper level than being friends. i thought it would be just like CG except better. a bond stronger than superglue and atomic shit. a friendship that would last even through my flakiness. but i dont see it. it cant be possible with the way things are going right now. no one freakin knows me. i dont know any of them. and its not just an isolated thing. it goes for the whole group. now whats gonna happen with that?
kenny keeps trying to convince me not to de-pledge. ive made a lot of commitments to the group. and that's whats keeping me here still. but afterwards, im gone. im tired of it. i cant see the big picture because the big picture isnt there. have you seen CPU? the beginning of it starts out with the pre-frosh walking down a hallway of a frat house. starts with the charter class, all nice and dignified. as he progresses through the hallway, the frat just sort of deteriorates in the pictures. thats how i see it. and i dont want to be apart of that.


October 9, 2001
check me out! im on FIRE! HELP ME! HELP ME!
okay. i dont understand where that was going, but im just happy because i finally finished a midterm that i didnt make a fool out of myself with. Last week was harsh. with horrible outcomes. i found out that i got a C+ on my art exam, and a B on my psych exam. horrible i tell yah. horrible. if i dont start getting my shit straight, im gonna get it big time. (but dont i say that every semester?) but foe really yo. i gotta get my act together. the geography exam made me feel a lot better. i actually knew that material. no kind of stressin on answering questions. she said the exam would be hard, but it really wasnt much of a problem. WOO PEE! IM SMART AGAIN! well not really, but it's nice to think that.
i have a lot of crap to finish up. so maybe ill try to sleep tonight. but knowing me, that's not gonna happen. i still have a history paper to write and i have work at 7am. and a meeting until probably 11pm tonight. so im guessing ill be asleep at 3:30ish again. BAH. ill catch up on sleep some other time.
speaking of sleep... well not really... but sleep reminds me of my contacts. my one left contact which still hasnt arrived at my optometrist's office. how freakin long does it take to order ONE contact lens? it's not even a freakin PAIR! and it's been two weeks already. my peripheral vision is suffering immensely, and i keep getting nauseated due to the blurriness of everything around me. ugh. this bites vinegar toes. i want my eyes damnit! LET ME SEE! LET ME SEE!


October 8, 2001
if there's something to be said about me, i am one hell of a crammer. here i am, sitting in front of my computer trying to intake half of a semester in one sitting. and yah know what? i can do it! and hopefull i will be able to retain it for longer than 24 hours. but my geography teacher is wonderful. so i have confidence in myself. (and as an added benefit, SHE CURVES!) eek. but i still have some pledge-manual memorizing to do before tomorrow night's meeting.
i made a page for my pledge class. check it out... it's super boring, but it's something to click on. so here. we should be posting pictures up as soon as possible, but you know how lazy i can get sometimes. so sorry. bah. at least you know what i'll be up to most of the time. so dont ever wonder "where did mar go again?" im not wasting it on nothing.
actually, lately, i've been so productive. and so busy. not with BS either. im usually actually making my time worthwhile and getting things accomplished. but i think im spreading myself too thin again. remember how that went before? too much effort on too many projects equals low quality, low energy, and low ... well everything else pretty much. (ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ)
i should get back to studying. after wednesday, im clear for another 4 weeks of snorlaxing. YEY! that's when i'll be interesting again.


October 7, 2001
i hate being this hormonal. stupid hormones. this is why i never shoulda gotten off the pill. because i get all frickin hormonal. stupid hormones. making me break out. and making me all cry-baby. and sensitive. and bloated. UGH! i cant even freakin THINK straight. stupid hormones. bah. it will all be over in 2 weeks. then i can be normal for a week and a half before it starts all over again. damnit.
i talked to emilio last night. he made me call some random guy's cell phone and leave a message that said "hi bryan. this is just the girl from AE. i just wanted to say hi. okay. bye." he wouldnt tell me why. so i did it. turns out that this bryan fellah was this guy that used to work in the same mall as i do and he used to pass by my store all the time. i remember him. bald guy. always passed by. anyhoo, he was talkin to emilio about some girl that worked in AE. and emilio goes "hey! i KNOW that girl!" so he made me leave that message. thanks dorko. yeow well.
okay. im trying my hardest not to talk about sorority girl shit. so ill end it here. sorry so boring. ill understand if you never wanna speak to me ever again. cross my heart and hope to die. but really im crossing my fingers behind my back.


October 6, 2001
i've missed you so much. you dont even know how much i miss the internet world. the way it lags when somebody is trying to speak to me. the way my keyboard feels beneath my fingers as i type my cares away. the way the aim icons begin to flash as i receive another message from a friend that lives 5 minutes away that i am too lazy to call. oh me oh my.
it's been over a week and my contacts still havent come in yet. for that freakin price they shoulda sent them to my house via horse-drawn carriage. sucks to be me wearing glasses. sucks to be wearing glasses that fall off your face. sucks not having peripheral vision. bah humbug.
oh hey. Iron Monkey is coming out in theaters. how cool is that? i have it on video! since like a million years ago. and now all these people goin along with the "asian trend" is gonna cough up millions of dollars to go see it in theaters. YEY! okay i will too, but only cuz i wanna see it surround sound and in wide screen. .... .... shut up.
okay im talking to mikey and ronnie and they're catching me up on all the high school people who came out of the closet this past year. seems like everyone is coming out. maybe i should too. NOT! well i would... if i swung that way. but i dont. so i wont. i should come out of the (as erik calls it..) filiphobia closet. eek!
damn. tonight was homecoming. but our football team sucks. no victories all year.. er.. season. i was supposed to go with my pledge sisters. but... stuff came up. (and there was a new episode of Lizzie McGuire that i didnt wanna miss). yeow well. there's always next time. and theres always TUESDAYS! wooO! that reminds me... i have some studying to do. and some editing. eeK! so much to do. so little time. im gonna end up just like jessie spano.


October 2, 2001
it's my party and ill cry if i want to. cry if i want to. you would cry too if it happened to you. yes. yesterday was my birthday. and i spent a majority of it crying. yes it sucked. but at least i got one hell of a good pedicure. (courtesy of myself)
there's all this secret sorority stuff going on. im bursting at the seams to tell. but i cant. no really. i cant. ARGHHHH! yeah, well it's more frustrating for me not to tell. and i cant even write in beyondmarfiles. AGHHHH!!!!! how suck. but at least im getting a real BOND again. with girls. yipee.
blah blah blah. im at a loss for words. big surprise.