October 31, 2008
So Nawlins was quite the experience. =) I feel re-inspired and re-newed as a Store Manager. It was nice to get away and actually have bonding experiences with my peers and to see the good that CAN be done as opposed to the good that SHOULD be done but never is. And to see the operational stuff, to meet the senior leaders of our company just gave me a sense that we are actually doing the right thing and that the people up there are genuinely trying to make things easier for us at the store level. It's the trickle down effect that I have to blame for my cynicism.

On the personal side of it all.... I met up with a few friends. I thought I would be partying like I would be in Vegas... but to be honest... I was drinking to forget who I was with. It's just not the same experience unless you go with REAL friends. I had some fun. Just not as much as I thought I would. In hindsight-- that's a good thing. I must remember that I was with peers, and not with friends.

And the whole other part of it all... we spent a good amount of tiem going back and forth. Both realizing that there was something missing... and that was each other. Been going through withdrawals lately. Today was supposed to be the day to re-unite and remember why we get along so well in the first place. But as things go, today is once again a day off to myself, by myself. Yeah. I miss him terribly. But what are you gonna do?

Checked my space today too. His too. I got bumped down by A LOT. But the song (Perfect Situation) also says a lot. I'm kind of disappointed, but I can see where his head is. I just wish I could share the master plan with him. But I'm not ready to give up everything I have just at a shot at something that may in the end not become what I hope.

Here's to hoping that things end up well.


October 24, 2008
Hard to believe I'm leaving on a jumbo jet in a few hours (35 hours, to be exact) for "nawlins" aka New Orleans =) I'm super excited, but I just can't get myself to start seriously packing. Giant suggested that he help me pack tomorrow night a couple of hours before I have to leave for the airport. It would probably be a bad idea.... but I was open to the suggestion only because I would really like to spend more time with him before I leave. It's been a while since I haven't seen him for longer than 2 days.

I'm insane to be thinking about not seeing my good friend for a few days instead of my husband. But Pane actually likes it when I'm away-- but I know that Giant will actually miss me.

Last night we had pizza at the place that we've been trying to go to together for quite some time now. SO last night we finally went with David. We finished dinner, David took off, and we hung out in the parking lot just talking. Flirting. Whatever you want to call it. Well.. 11:30 rolls around and we finally decide to get going. But my car wont unlock. So we try to figure it out. Beg and plead with my car to please wake up and let me in. I had to crawl through the trunk to open the hood. No luck. So we hung out inside my trunk for a bit. When we finally got my car to wake up, we just kind of had this moment--- a few hugs later and we were on our way. Those 2 hours in the parking lot definitely left a mark. I can't shake how happy I was just being there. I can't shake the chemistry that so ALIVE when I was standing on the sidewalk trying to be his height--- then those last few hugs.

I've pined for a lost love. I've had pretty big crushes that I couldn't stop thinking about that other person. But this is different. Because we plan the future together. Well.. not "together." But there is definitely that unspoken element that a future "together" is a possibility. And I think we're both trying to just "entertain" the thoughts without taking them too seriously. Because neither of us want to get hurt.

Something different about this time around.... the unspoken is actually spoken about. Normally in these situations, the relationship that the other person is in isn't talked about unless it's negatively. But we don't talk about it that way. Maybe it's because we both understand that without the relationship, we never would have met. And the not meeting part is worse than the not being together part.

I don't want to leave. But I'm excited for the experience. We're planning a trip in January to San Diego. A trip in April for opening day. A trip to New York in 2010.


October 23, 2008
It seems like time has been going by exceptionally fast these days. I guess that would be a good thing, seeing as the plan is to scoot out of this desert in October of '09. We shall see how things progress, shall we? There are a lot of plans culminating in this noggin of mine that just need a little bit of time to marinade and come into focus.

Thursday nights have become our designated dinner and "fun" night. Mainly because that's the single day that my small congregation of friends have decided actually fit into their very packed calendars. I tend to gravitate towards those with similar mentalities, i guess. But these days, I seem to be the only one with a very limited amount of work to do, and a relatively large amount of free time to squander away. My youth, I theorize, has finally started to bloom.

Too bad it's starting a bit too late.

But being sheltered does that, I suppose. I started the educational stuff, and adult stuff a tad bit earlier than my peers while they were off being goofballs and having loads of free time. So now it's my turn. I'll tell you what.... free time isn't all that it's cut out to be. I had a lot more fun being overbooked.


October 19, 2008
Just came home from the AZ state fair and WEEEEEEEEEEZER!!!!!!!! SOOO MUCH FUN! Totally worth the wait. But a bit of a reminder of how much better their stuff was back in the day. BUT I LOVED EVERY MINUTE OF IT!!!

Ofcourse it didn't hurt that I also had great company =) My Giant and my favorite drinking buddy David was my company. The only thing better would have been brian along for the ride =) Baseball, my three favorite boys, and my absolute favorite band in the world. The only thing that would have made the day perfect would have been if the concert was at La Jolla and if it were the Padres getting the win. But that would just mean I was dreaming.

The jealousy beast popped out today. Not intentionally. It just did. I guess I get territorial when it comes to certain things, and not so much others. Hrmmm. The particular moment? Giant put his hand briefly on someone's shoulder. And I freaked. He flinched when I saw (as far as I think, he didn't see a reaction on my face). Which brings me to a couple of conclusions. We won't go there tonight.

I like to feel my youth.


October 18, 2008
My friends have been weeding themselves out of my life one by one. I've come to the point in my life where if it's going to work out, then I'll put in the effort. If not, then why bother?

WEEEEEZER show tonight! Along with fair food, fair rides, and the companionship of one person that I adore.

I've been going on quite a few dates lately. I probably shouldn't be, right? But it just so happens that these dinners/activities/plans that were originally planned as group activities turned out to be me and one other person. It's not at all the way you think it is. But from an outsider's perspective, it seems a little shady. For example-- a few nights ago, it was supposed to be group sushi night at westgate. It ended up being David and I having sushi, then ice cream and coffee afterwards. Sounds like a date, right? The other day was brunch with a friend and a stroll to watch the dogs. Date, right? Wouldn't sound as bad, but when you toss in the guy paying for everything, then it gets worse.

ANYHOOO... there's been a few times like that lately. Is that horrible? Or is it just coincidence? Because looking at it from my perspective, I'm just being a good friend by actually following through on plans. As it happens, other "friends" just flake out on me and it just so happens to be myself and one other person. So, judge it as you may. But all bases have been covered.

The situation has settled itself nicely. I think I came to the right conclusion, but ofcourse, everything happens with time.


October 13, 2008
I suppose this is what happens when you get older. You watch more sports. You have fewer (but more precious) friends. Your commitments become stronger, more urgent, and easier all at the same time. Things get much simpler, and much more complicated all at the same time. Or it could be that you become more equipped at dealing with the challenges that you're faced with.

Or simply, all of the above. I keep waiting for it to become more and more complicated, but the decision making process seems to have gotten more clear over the past few days. Not that my heart and emotions and all that hormonal stuff gets any easier, but let's just say that I've SUBSTANCE-ially (I know it's the wrong spelling, genius) gotten all that hormonal stuff under control.

Let's take this Giant thing as an example. A few weeks ago I was in this mad state. Wondering why my heart was failing at it's job. Teetering on my commitments. The answer was slapping me in the face the whole time. And as things progress, I will be sure to keep you posted. I've made my decision. I've made my peace with my decision. And I'm happy with it. Now whether or not things go the way I think they will, that's a different story. But I think I'll just keep this one to myself until whatever it is blossoms to whatever it is supposed to be. Here's to hoping, I suppose.

Current events: Pane got fired from Honda. Blame the economy, and blame the attitudes that the economy produce. Also, blame management for mis-management. As a matter of fact, you can also partially blame Pane. But as much as I want to be unhappy about the whole situation, I'm not. He's much happier with less on his plate. A happier Pane makes for a happier Mar. Because the less he stresses, the less he's grumpy, and the less he makes my life a living hell. I'm tired of getting shit on whenever he had a bad day at work. And practically every day was a bad day at work. So you see where all the bad stuff stems from. So... I'm okay with it. As long as he's making enough money to pay for his half of the rent, the phone bill, the cable bill, and his student loan, then we'll be just gravy.

Headed to New Orleans in a couple of weeks. I'm super excited, but also a little apprehensive. I don't like to be gone when I'm in a position of power. It took quite some time for me to take an ACTUAL day off. I'm learning to wean, tho. Hopefully in two weeks I'll be just fine to leave the apartment, the hubbers, the buddies, and the store to their own doings. Hell... it's a control freak thing, I suppose.

But I can't wait to party. It's been a long while. I really need it. And I damn well know I deserve it =)