Untitled

September 27, 2000
whine whine whine
DAMMIT! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK! What the hell? okay.. just viewed my most recent PLASTIC bill. Fuckin AOL is charging 43.95 for some shit that I DID NOT FUCKIN SIGN FOR. Isn't that ILLEGAL? I wasnt notified of this shit. WTF???? Then i continue to read and there's a $29.00 overlimit fee or some shit like that. because I went like $83 over my credit limit... BUT... $29 is the fuckin fee, and $43 is the fuckin AOL shit that they charged on my fuckin account that I was not notified of. FUCK. Great. more unneccessary shit to fuckin pay for. It's not enough that fuckin Telecheck fucks up my account and makes me fuckin pay extra for a fuckin mistake that their fuckin high-school drop-out dickshits made on my fuckin clean as a fuckin whistle account. FUCK THIS. I think I should keep all my shit in cash in my fuckin mattress so that these damn credit people and stupid ass bankers that probably fuckin failed all their fuckin math classes and fucked all of their mid-life-crisis proffessors to pass the fuckin pass-or-fail class can fuck up my account so that they can fuckin make money off of me. SHIT. I fuckin work at a fuckin pretzel place and they're fuckin takin my hard earned money. shit. do you KNOW how many retards i had to serve and how many fuckin pretzels i had to fuckin roll in the hot ass store to earn that fuckin money that's supposed to go towards paying off my fuckin student loan???? I hate this shit. My birthday's coming up. Someone give me money.

September 27, 2000
I wonder where I'll keep all of these thoughts when I run out of space on theglobe.com. or what if it dies. what if i lose every fuckin html code and thought that i have devoted so much time to? I dunno. the archive will be huge. (say YUGE like white people) should i erase after a year? or no? or print it all out and look back on it in 30 years. or maybe keep making new accounts to support all of it. I think the only reason i have so much space on this thing is because of the irritating banner and because i havent uploaded anything on here. fear of angelfire syndrome. but i have yet to find a server with no banner and plenty of space to support my html magic... or rather, stupid little gifs to make up for a stock layout.

September 26, 2000
Yet again, I pop back to gerard's and lookie what he's done. Two entries for 9.25.00. Sound familiar? Scroll and take a look see. But the content is slightly different. Slightly. Key word.
GERARD SAYS:i'm sick again. back into regression. ya know, sometimes i just don't do maintenance on my heart protection. well, it's just because of this one song. and it almost makes me want to go on bended knee and say "i want you back" to someone. "i'm telling the world here and now that i'm gonna love you and love you, i take this vow. you captured my heart so long ago. still there are some critical things that you should know. this love has been worth waiting for. this love doesn't matter to me if it's not yours. as we become one, through and through, i dedicate all of my life to loving you. do i give all i am to be now and forever your man? do i take you to be without question, the woman for me? do i promise you, 'i do'?"
BUT NO. I dont think so. Exes make me mad and sad and lovey-dovey and happy and horrified and queasy and confused and straight-forward and all-knowing and stupid... all at the same time. Amazing how a heart works. One minute ur happy, the next ur apart. Then ur sad again. Then ur fighting for no apparent reason. Then ur alone.
Still debating about who I should be with. If u care to help, participate in the poll to the right. NO CHEATING.
To help u out, go read previous maRfiles entries. That should get ur decisive juices flowing.
Genel n I were having a little altercation again. I think it's all a sign pointing out that I need to be with nEmO. Cuz everytime it seems that me n Genel are gonna be back together, something happens that flashes in big green neon lights that says "NO NO NO!!!" But my heart is saying "YES YES YES!!" It's something.. SOMETHING. I can't point it out. But then there are forces that keep me from falling for nEmO. So I have a theory: If i shut both of these guys out for a while, then everything should be clear. But.. FAT CHANCE of that EVER happening. Because even if I try, I wont be able to let go of either of them. But I have to try to do something sooner than later. So what do I do? WELL ISN'T IT OBVIOUS? NO. That's why I will continue to sit here confused, but happy because I only allow myself to remember the happy moments.

September 25, 2000
Rant #2
DAMNIT! How come, every fuckin time I THINK I come to a conclusion, something always comes up. Drama. or some BS like that. I know that everything is attributed to all the shit that I do, all the shit I feel, all the fuckin jumbled up emotions that somehow locks up my heart, tightens up my brain, and puts me on full BITCH mode. I just get all grumpy and I can't think straight. So i take my grumpiness out on those that are close to me. Kinda sucks though, because the grumpiness is almost in no connection with whoever i'm taking my anger out on.
So emil n maria are on a break again. Which means i'll be in double-overtime bitch sequence, non-stop whining and yelling until things are straightened out and i'm ready to really make a commitment to one guy... heart, body, mind n soul. no more of this half and half thing. but you know what? knowing me... FAT CHANCE. If this is ever gonna happen, its because one will completely reject me and screw me over like the little scandalous whore that I am. (Whoa. Strong choice of words. I think that last comment was a little too extreme.)
If only my heart would have been content with the relationship I had, or if only I had the ability to get over someone quickly. Well, then I'd really be a dirty little whore wouldn't I? HAH. no just kidding. I need to laugh just as much as you do. But IF ONLY, then I probably would be content with what I have, who I have, and who I have found in my life. Okay, so maybe sometimes history isnt that great to have as a girl. BUT.. i know i would be happy. No more drama, no more invisible strings. no more being a puppet. But then I wonder... would my emotions be as strong? no. doubt it. BLEH.

September 25, 2000
Why is it that every time I come to a conclusion, something else comes up to confuse me some more? My eyes open only to have someone throw some pepper in there and blind me again. Maybe it's God's mysterious ways. Or maybe it's because I'm not lettin myself come to any conclusion, because subconsciously I really don't want to come to a conclusion. Ignorance is bliss.
So I've been chillin a lot with Genaro lately. Everyone questions it. It has even come to the point that even my best friend questions it. Now I have no choice but to think about it. Because if Jeanelle questions it, then that means that something funky's going on. So I thought about it. And I've been thinking about it. And I came to the conclusion that I do this because of the feeling of familiarity. Before we broke up, this is all that we did. Chill together except when we were in desperate need of sleep. So now it's happening all over again. No, we are not back together. We just seem to have found that little niche of "genaria"-ness again.
It's hard not to care what people think about it. I have a boyfriend and I kick it with my ex more than i kick it with him. Considering our history, I know people will always think stuf. I can't blame them. If it was the same situation with anyone else, I would think the same thing. Soo..... I dont know. Maybe I need to give this guy another chance. But that's unfair to nEmO. And right now, more confusion is the last thing I need.
Attack of the chickens and roosters!!! OH NO!!! My new best work buddy is Courtney. We were play fighting and I landed on my butt, and I got stuck in the corner, and I got browning solution all over my neck and face, and I got ice down my shirt. He was teaching me how to roll like him, and it gave me this tight feeling in my cheeks that made me smile. Work is fun. =)

September 22, 2000
Oh no! It's happening again! First I meet my mind twin, and now it seems I have found someone who's life is parallel to mines. Same probs, same feelings. It's freaky I tell yah. It's nice to know someone going through the same situations. You get feedback from each other and its a lot easier to make decisions. Unless ofcourse, ur both confused. then its back to square one, but at least not alone.

September 20, 2000
Before I forget, Happy Birthday Doe. You're no longer a child. U need some meat on them bones.
I went to Pomona today to drop off nEmO. Went with genel. What happened? Surprisingly, everything went smoothly. No drama, no fights, not even that weird squishy awkward silence that should have been haunting the car. So nEmO's up in Pomona, and I know that I'll be grumpy again all week because I'll know that he's up there and I'm down here. It's okay though. HAHA. It was weird though. It seems like everytime we attempted to go anywhere, there would be a big ass white F150 right next to my little black corolla. On the way home alone, I saw 7 different ones, and that was when I was awake. Who knows how many passed us up when I was off in nEmO's DreamLand.

I'm so proud of my baby {my car}. Call me stupid, call me dumb.. whatever u wanna say for caring so much about my car. But I love it. It takes care of me, it says good night to me every night, and it takes me where I want to go. He's getting stronger too. I was doing about 120 and didn't even reach 3000 rpms. I can red line him without him screaming at me. Wow. My little man is getting stronger! I'm so proud. But he's seriously in need of an oil check. i went 300 miles over, and when I checked his dipstick, poor thing was running low. Wells... theres something to do. =)

September 19, 2000
So today is nEmOmAr #1. Been thru lots, and I'm still confused. Maybe its a sign. Or maybe this is just some sick twisted joke that my mind is playing on me and has bound and gagged my heart so that all i can do is think and think that I'm feeling. Argh. So today, I don't know what to do. I should just go to work. That always seems to solve all of my problems. To get away from it all, just roll, and be happy with my fun co-workers.
But I still need another job. 21 hours a week just isn't gonna cut it for my apetite for STUFF. Useless, superficial, materialistic... STUFF. But hey, what can I say... I'm just a girl in the world.. that's all that you'll let me beeeee!!! Cuz I'm just a girl livin in captivity. BLEH.
Tell me something: when someone passes judgement on you, you have the right to be offended, and during that time of being offended, you have the right to act like a bitch.. RIGHT? I was called superficial the other day. Like I had no kind of depth. Like all I am is this fake front. And all I care about is how I look, the guy who's arm I'm clinging on, and "representing my Pinay Pride." Dayam. okay.. i can admit that i was like that in the past, but even then i was thinking about my actions. I never once let my grades fall or my morals diminish while i was representing. I was always thinking. And now, all of that shit is completely out of my system. I may have this need to go shopping once in a while, or get things in a certain color, or with certain characters, but all of that is for my enjoyment and all for me. Just like how I'm trying to lose weight, bla bla bla,... FOR ME. Not for anyone else. I would care less if some guy off the street came up to me and told me I was fat. I would just be like "I know that Retard, that's why I'm trying to lose weight." Not for a guy, or any guy. FOR ME! FOR MAR! So that I can feel comfortable in what I wear and that little chunk of flab hanging out my side wont bother me so much, and so that I won't feel so insignificant when I stand next to a stick called a girl. BLEH.
Happy Anniversary nEmO.

September 16, 2000
*i got this from SilverDragon408 who got it from orangetwinkler's page*
:::HOW TO MAKE AN ASIAN GIRL HAPPY:::
1. Be RICH. This is important for you, but not for her. For her the number two rule follows.
2. Spend MONEY on HER. This is the most important thing for her, whether you are rich, have any money, or must lie, steal, or kill to do it.
3. Be TALL. Of course you have no real control over this, but if you don`t do it, she will secretly and forever resent you for it and it will come out of left field to smite you. Preferably be about one foot taller than her - not for comfort or aesthetics, but because you are a trophy and, as always, the bigger the better.
4. Be a MINDLESS ZOMBIE RULED BY HER. Forget what you`ve heard about submissive asian women. They actually rule every relationship with insidious and painful, passive-aggressive, guilt-evoking, whiny, crying mind-control.
5. Have the EMOTIONAL STABILITY OF A 4-YEAR-OLD. She will be impressed and enraptured by your delight at the sight of Hello Kitty, stuffed animals, puppies, kitties, duckies, bunnies, as well as chocolates, shiny jewelry and other trinkets and knick-knacks. Also, she will understand perfectly well if you pout over the smallest perceived slight or slip and demand to be appeased, assuaged, or made up to. If you behave any other way, she will never understand it.
6. Dress like a PRETTY-BOY GEEK. This will save her the trouble of replacing your wardrobe and dressing you, herself.
7. Remove EVERY HAIR ON YOUR BODY EXCEPT THOSE ON YOUR SCALP. The sight of a whisker on your face reminds her that somewhere inside you, something is trying to grow. You must not grow - you must be as unchanging and constant as the firmament.
8. There are NO MORE RULES to making your asian girlfriend eternally happy. If any situation arises which you feel the rules have not addressed, you are mistaken - immediately refer to the primary rules #1and #2 - they are the solution in every such case.

September 15, 2000
One eyed rooster. AOL lag. Cookie man. Abercrombie and Fitch. hotmale.com. A few possibilities to escape my problems. All that inhabits my head is Robert Frost and Kai. Someone needs to make me extremely happy and forgetful.
I saw my Lolo CJ today at Fashion Valley Mall. If you could see the huge smile plastered from one end of my face to the other, you would wonder if my face was made out of rubber. I haven't seen that guy since graduation 1999. It hurt that he didn't come watch me walk, but he was in an accident. Perfectly understandable. But wow. I couldn't stop trippin. I gave that guy the biggest hug possible, because i only see him about once a year. And it's hard to show how much I appreciated his presence and strength while I was "growing up." He said, "Wow, you're all grown up now." Coming from CJ, that's something worth remembering. Wow. I walked away from him with tears in my eyes. Once again reinforcing the fact that you never really learn how to appreciate someone until they're gone. CJ is a prime example. He treated us like shit. But at the same time, he was always there for us, encouraging us and making us stronger using tough love. Now that that whole ROTC facade is gone... WOW. What a great guy. And I am just now REALLY thanking him for all that he has done.

September 14, 2000
If you had to choose one person to live with for the rest of your life, who would it be? The one that you love, your favorite personality, or the one that you've always dreamed about? If someone made me choose right now, I would choose the person that I've always dreamed about. Because he will be perfect for me in every possible way, and when you meet that person, what else can you do but fall in love? The only thing is, there will always be a love that holds me back. So until that love has been buried, then being with my Cookie Man will never be total bliss.

September 13, 2000
"The Road Not Taken"
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet, knowing how way leads onto way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I --
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

September 12, 2000
"How I�ve tried to express what�s been troubling my mind
But still I can�t find the words
But I know that something�s got a hold of me."
In A Rush by Blackstreet
So I find myself listening to slow jams on my computer, thinking about the past few months. All of the unnecessary drama that has been happening, but on the flip side, all of the happy times that went along with it and because of it. It took me so many of years of existence to realize that there�s a silver lining on each cloud. But sometimes, times like now, I can�t decipher the difference between the cloud and the lining. That�s when I get all BLEH. Being a Libra, it�s already hard for me to make a decision. Because I want to make everyone happy, and at the same time, make the right decision. But it�s impossible to do both. Geez look at me� I can�t even decide if I wanna make people happy or be right. But anyways, these songs are getting to me. It�s just that when I listen to the words, they hit the right spot and my emotions begin to tumble out through my fingers. Good? Maybe. Maybe not.
I finally talked to A&F today on the phone. Because my cellie is up n running. He�s bragging about me to his buddies. Geez� what�s up with me and military men? I seem to attract them like flies. Haha� see? I get endless calls and letters and invitations. Okay�so what if they�re recruiters or they�re in boot camp. HAH! Everyone keeps telling me that I�m gonna end up marrying a military man. Hmm� that leaves me a few years to decide which branch right? Haha. I probably will. But we�ll see in due time. It�s either marry a military guy or go into it myself. As of now, I�m leaning towards option #2. I used to have this dream� this kind of plan for my future. I would enlist as an E-3, go to school to get my BA in photography and work my way up through the ranks so that my pay as an officer wouldn�t be the same as some E-5 that�s been enlisted for 25 years, and eventually make it to Colonel or LTC. By then I would have a family. The hubby at home taking good care of the three kiddies and the 4 bedroom house overlooking the city. The 2 7-second Hondas peacefully resting in the 4-car garage, The Beemer and Land Cruiser gleaming in the sun, and my own mini body shop in the garage. I would be retired by the time I hit 48 (30 years in the service= retirement pay of 75% of what you were making before retiring). That leaves so many happy years ahead to spend with my family, taking advantage of the benefits I receive from our government which I loyally served. BUT� that dream is gone. No.. it�s not necessarily gone, I just gave up on it. I�m in the process of formulating a new plan for my future. One that consists of security, a family, and a leisurely lifestyle. Any suggestions?

September 10, 2000
A little something I posted on GERARD's site that I thought I should share with you guys.
leave it to mtv to commercialize everything. i think thats why everything has been sucking. stupid mtv is getting more and more TYPPIE-ish. more teeny-bopper. suddenly its not about the music, but only about the image. come on now.. when the f u ck is the last time you've seen something on mtv with some kind.. ANY kind of depth? i think the closest thing to depth on mtv is real world or road rules. when real people (or at least ALMOST REAL people) come to realizations that they never would have if they didnt encounter people that were so different from themselves. and even then, a lot of times the conclusions that they come to are so incredibly stupid or shallow. its like.. damnit. what the hell is the point? mtv is supposed to be a representation of our generation. and what kind of image are they portraying of our generation? "generation x" maaan. no wonder old people dont like us. because according to mtv, we're all shallow, superficial, tight clothes wearing, e-addicted ravers who only think about sex, breaking stuff, gang banging, making trouble and acting stupid. damn. that, or carson-obsessed britney-wanna-be trl-watchin almost-in-love-because-the-song-says-we-are teeny boppers. HELLOOO!!! some of us in this generation are actually making livings. some of us care more about drugs and alcohol and sex. money, fame, booty and diamonds are NOT all we care about.

September 8, 2000
Why is it that what I WANT to feel and what I actually feel never seem to correspond? Right now I�m in a state of being just stuck in the middle. Being completely idle. I do this so that I can just REACT to things, instead of act on my own. Because for some stupid reason the things I do on my own will are mistakes. So what exactly am i waiting for? I�m not sure what I really want to happen. Actually, what I want to happen is to let my past go and be in total bliss with the guy that I�m with. But I can�t let go of my past. I can�t let go of this special love that I shared with the ex-factor. Because that was the first time I ever experienced TRUE love. Not this comic book, Disney created love. Have you ever heard that song, �Torn between two lovers.� It feels so horrible to be split in two. My heart is telling me all these different things. Or I dunno.. maybe clinging on to my past is my way of staying on solid ground. So that I wont have to feel like I�m walking on air because it scares me to feel like that. It�s the best and the worst feeling in the world when you know that you�re SO not ready for it. So I�m falling. But I�m not falling because I�m so desperately clinging on to this cliff of love that I had� the love that I still feel. The worst part is that I�m leaving these two guys hanging on, just waiting for something to happen. But I�ve already chosen one to be with. But I�ve chosen one to love. If they were the same person it would be easy. But it�s not. So okay� one is waiting for me to come back, and one is waiting for me to fall. So what should I do? That I don�t know. What I would like to do is to just bask in the happiness that I feel when I�m with MR2. Let the past heal on its own. Let the love fade away naturally� or at least let it be forgotten. It can be forgotten for a while. I know it�s not exactly the best thing to do for my psyche, and it�s definitely not healthy� but the perfect fa�ade also means hiding certain things so that it everyone will be happy. That�s all that it is anyways. Geez. How cold can I be. ARGH. I just read what I just wrote. And the thought occurred to me� LET ONE GO. Shit. Now I have to do the pro/con thing again. But that never works. And I don�t feel like re-writing my list of guy traits. And I really don�t feel like locking myself away from everyone right now. Nor do I feel like throwing away everything I have now. BLEH. I think I need to be alone.

September 6, 2000
My drive on the freeway last night was surreal. Maybe it was the lighting of the crescent moon or the freaky scenes from �The Cell� lingering in the back of my mind. But the separation of red and white lights� merging, weaving, speeding up, slowing down, and blinking� was almost hypnotic. Along with the light show was the low grumble of Jesse�s Tanabe G Medallion exhaust, his high pitched screeches as he made a slight turn, and the way his seat gently cushioned my body as his massive structure sped over the imperfections of the road. The soft vibrations as the ride continued eventually lulled me to sleep and brought me to a dark dreamland. My dreamland ended when we came to an abrupt halt at Paradise Valley Road. My mini-fantasmic experience had come to an end with the end of the freeway, and I was once again well aware of the beautiful ugliness of my surroundings.

September 1, 2000
Whoa it�s September already. Time has been going by so quickly in the past 3 years. Is it because I�m growing up? I know I didn�t add THAT much to my schedule. I don�t know. Maybe the Earth�s orbiting time has changed. No, I doubt it. Whatevers tho. A lot has changed over the past 3 years. I guess I�ve changed a lot too. I�m more skeptical, more grown up, a little bit wise, a lot stronger, a lot fatter, and a lot colder. I�ve learned a lot about relationships too. I�ve learned that I�m still young and that there�s no such thing as forever. I�ve also learned that as long as it feels right, then it�s okay. Hey if it�s not permanent, then its all good. Things can be fixed. Minds can be changed. People wont remember it in a coupla years anyway. Think of it all as a learning experience. And I have one hell of a good excuse� �Everyone experiments in college.� That�s what college is about right? Making mistakes, learning from those mistakes, and having a lot of fun while you�re at it. And I already know Im going to make a lot of mistakes. So� might as well right? So anyways, I bet everyone that�s reading this is wondering �what mistake?� That�s for me to know. If I really cant hack it, then it�ll be posted. BLEH. I hate doing that though.
I ate at JVs Taco Shop today. WHOA. Dang its HELLLAAA gooooood. Wow. Better than Lolitas. Better than Zapatas. Hmm�. I love exploring. Have you ever just gotten lost on purpose? I love doing that. Just so I have an excuse to drive around Daygo and learn the streets, shortcuts, and little corner stores with bomb ass food. And then when you drive around with your friends, you KNOW where you�re going and they�re thinking �Wow, she has a good sense of direction.� But what they don�t know is� �I know NOW!� hahaha.