September 30, 2008
Maybe I'm just a masochist. That's why I do it. Or just that my heart is too large and too confused. Or maybe it's becaues I'm just like a lost puppy... looking for her happiness wherever it may be, and temporarily accepting guidance and love and care and affection from the most reliable source. Then again, it could be all of the above, right?

I'm feeling good. The beer has done it's job and has provided me a good buzz to get me through this post without having to hold back. Although, it makes no sense to- seeing that a majority of hits here are strayed searches. Sorry folks.. nothing to see here. Bah. I should have stuck to weizens tonight.

He's really done his job. I've been scolding myself all day trying not to obsess over it. But it's the jokes and the messages and... well... everything he has said in the past few days has just made me swoon. He's having the same dilemma too, I can see. Because he had to have a boys night with his best friend the other night. I think he's a bit freaked out about what's developing here. Hell--- I'm freaked out too. Because I'm used to the lingering feelings about you-know-who. I'm used to the ghosts that haunt me. Used to the flirting with others and all that stuff. THat stuff I've always known how to handle. Because when it came down to it, well, let's be frank-- I'm married. And i've been in those situations already and I know they weren't the best circumstances. I miss them, but not quite enough.

But with him (let's just call him Giant)-- with Giant, it's all there. Everything that I love about seeing someone new. The flirting and the messages and the seeing each other and meeting. Everything just feels so right. We just FIT. Not in the way Brian and I fit (nothing could be easier than Us), not in the way that anyone else in my life has. He fits snugly even in our situation. And it's tearing me up inside. I want and I want and I want to keep pursuing the path that we're on. But I know I'm not supposed to. And there are so many people that would get crushed along the way-- people that I love and would never want to hurt.

I know in the end I'm just gonna end up broken because he'll find someone else (or I'll find him someone else). And ofcourse I'll be happy for him. Ofcourse I'll act ecstatic that he finally has someone to do those couple things with him. But I also know that it will hurt, because it's not with me anymore.

Look how greedy I've become. I guess it's the 27 talking.


September 26, 2008
Maybe it's the hormones. Or maybe I just don't want to give in to the idea that I actually have a crush on someone. A genuine crush on a person that I can actually have a relationship with. But that's poppycock! I'm MARRIED!!!

This person is too good of a friend. (And a tad too young, but not really). And it's just weird of me to think of him in that way. But scrolling through his photos today, I stumbled on one particular one that just blew me away. He didn't physically look different in it-- but it was in his eyes and his expression that I took me for a loop. His eyes said "I just want to figure out what this is. I just want to be happy. I can make someone just as happy. We just need to find each other first."

I could go on and on and on about how he's managed to sweep me off my feet. Endless are the inside jokes and the little things that he says or does that just exude care and complexity and love. It doesn't hurt that he's absolutely my type, superhot, very smart, (tall), and drives a car that makes me all tingly down there. Toss in the sensitivity, the great sense of humor, the giant, caring heart, and he's the perfect guy.

Except that I'm married.

This is ridiculous. But you know what? It is kinda nice to float away on the dream. =)


September 24, 2008
I'm still surprised who people turn to when big things happen in their lives. Yesterday I became the person that a friend of mine turned to after her breakup with the boy. They've been together since high school. Best friends before they decided to be together. They've been living together for the past 7 months, and all was well for a few, but when things go bad, they go really really BAD.

Now, the surprise isn't really the breakup. That relationship has been hanging on for dear life for a few months. My surprise was that I was the first to know outside those two people. I wasn't particularly close to either one. I've only known them for a few months. Only started hanging out with them a couple of months ago. And if anything, I would have bet she would have cried to Pane before she came to me about anything. But... SURPRISE!!!

So I took her out. Did the big-sister thing and let her just deal with it her own way and if it came up, it came up. I was there neither to hash it out or to fix it. I was there to distract her from it so that she could keep her sanity. But she also knew that when/if she needed to talk/hash/digest/dissect anything, that I would be there for her. 9 hours of distraction later, I dropped her off at her truck, gave her a big hug, and let her finish her night. Hopefully to break the news to her parents that she would be moving in shortly. I haven't heard from her and it's been 16 hours. Which means I did my job and she should be getting things straightened out at this moment.

The other surprise? I think Pane has really finally let all of the stuff we fight about settle in his head. That if he wants us to work out, that he really needs to genuinely try to be a part of this relationship. You know... an ACTUAL MARRIAGE. I was very close to pulling a 24 and giving myself my freedom for my 27th birthday.

Crapola. 27 already.


September 10, 2008
Today was the first time I didn't like my job. Okay, that's a bit of a stretch. I LOVE my job. I just don't like my boss too much. I guess it's because I don't respect him as much as I should. It seems like I either respect him, or I don't. But knowing me, it's never quite that simple. SOOOOO... if it was on a spectrum, it would be closer to "Don't." Just because he doesn't recognize who should be recognized, and really only favors those who make him look good. Nevermind the small victories (I have a small store, so most of our victories are small), but anything that will make him look good he blows up, and the things that actually matter to us and our customers he just pushes away like it's trivial. I'm just a little irritated, that's all. It's hard to respect someone and really work hard for them when it's not reciprocated. BLAH.

That's what's wrong with a lot of things. People scratching the wrong backs. That's how it is in politics, and really-- it shouldn't be happening at starbucks of all places, but it does. LAAAAAME!!!!

Tomorrow we drive to SD for a whole day. YEP! Another 24 hour trip to SD!!! Then Fresno for Saturday and then back to Phoenix. The best part? I get to hang with Cracky for 2 hours! WOOOOHOOOO! Eat that, stars!


September 9, 2008
I've never been the jealous type. I still believe that I am not that girl. But there's this girl that Pane works with that I just cannot stand him to be around. There's nothing wrong with her. I'm sure she's a great person. She's not particularly hot, but she's not ugly. I don't have anything against her as a person, and as much as I want to tell her not to take how I act towards her personally, there really isn't any other way to take it.

My problem with her is that Pane shows her exactly how he feels about her. He adores her. Takes care of her. Generally talks to her more than he talks to me. Now that's not where the problem lies-- the problem lies in that he doesn't do that with me. HIS WIFE. Doesn't make the effort to spend time with me. Hardly ever tells me he loves me. Generally doesn't touch me. Or shows me that he cares. I get ZIP.

And now you know why this relationship is complicated and why I want out. He gets better sometimes. I'll point things out and sometimes he'll change for a couple of weeks. But it's usually only for a couple of weeks. Then we're back to square one.

Now there's someone else in the mix. There's nothing going on between them. I know that for a fact. I know he wouldn't cheat on me. I just hate that by seeing how he treats her, it shows me that he has the ability to continually show someone affection--but chooses not to show me that.

It drives me insane. I hate him for it. I hate her because of it.

We took an impromptu trip to San Diego this past weekend and he invited her along. I said a total of 8 words to her. I didn't care that she knew that I didn't want her there. I actually WANTED her to know that. She said "Thanks for inviting me." And I replied with a very cold "It was Pane that did." I would have had so much more fun without her there. Tonya and I could have taken so many more photos. We would have done so much more without her there. But she was there. And I couldn't enjoy myself the way I wanted to.

I hope that he understands that I don't want to be around her. Don't want to hear about her. I don't want to see her or have to ever think about it. Because it hurts my heart to.

Conventional wisdom tells me to leave him. And I think about it pretty often. I DESERVE TO BE TREATED BETTER. And I'm well aware of that. I also know I can do MUCH better. Because I have, and if it comes down to it, I will.