Chapter 23

The minute he was out of the room I broke down. I sat on the chair in the corner and hugged my knees to me, letting all the built up emotion pour out, the feelings I had kept from Brian. Jac was by my side in an instant, her arm tightly around my shoulder as I cried. "Shhh, he'll be okay Sue. In less than an hour that doctor will come in here and tell us everything is just fine. Come on, then he will be all better again." Jac tried to comfort me. She had to be going through her own turmoil, Brian was a good friend of hers too, but she was my strength right now.

"What if something goes wrong?" I said to her quietly. I didn't want Jackie hearing me. She had to be going through her own share of turmoil.

Jac took me by the shoulders. "Sue, nothing is going to go wrong. Brian is coming back to you. He'll be fixed up, and he'll be back before you know it. How about we go for a walk while we wait?" she suggested.

I was shaking my head. "No, I told him I would wait for him. I am not going anywhere."

"Then I am staying with you."

She sat beside me, listening to me quietly cry to myself. I was unaware of anyone else in the room. Everything suddenly began to spin. "Jac." I cried out weakly, needing her to help me stay upright. She had her arms around me in a second.

"Sue, You're coming with me. You need some fresh air and a walk and if I have to get into trouble with Brian so be it. I'll just have to punch him," she said and I attempted a weak smile. The room was still spinning. "But honestly. Come on you need to get out of here for a while. Just for a bit. We'll be back before Brian comes back, I promise."

I looked around the room unsteadily. Kerry nodded. "Sue you are deathly pale. Go out with Jac, I'll stay here with Jackie."

Jac dragged me out of the chair I was in, holding me up for support. Her arms around me, we walked out of the room and down the hallway to the elevator. I leaned against the wall of the elevator, trying to overcome the waves of dizziness washing over me. "Jac I'm gonna be sick."

I heaved and tried to stop myself from being sick. The doors opened and she helped me into the closest bathroom and I made it inside just in time. When I reappeared Jac had a wet hand towel ready for me to wash my face. "Come on, we're outta here," she said gently leading me out of the bathroom, and then the hospital.

"Fresh air is better now. Come on, lets walk. Will you be okay to walk a bit? There's a coffee shop at the end of this park."

I nodded, not saying anything. She wrapped her arm around me again and we walked. I hated to think what I might look like, red blotchy eyes, against my pale face. My thoughts were only with Brian now. It had been 15 minutes. He would be under the anaesthetic now, even being operated on already. I let out a shuddering sob at the thought. So many things could go wrong. They had to stop his heart for this. They had explained it all to the both of us when we visited the doctor. The man I loved would now be laying up there, his heart not beating. I swayed, feeling ill again. I looked at Jac for help, unable to say anything. She knew what I was thinking.

Finally I was able to speak. "Jac, what if they can't start his heart again?" I sobbed out.

"Sue, he'll be okay, trust the doctors. It'll be ok. He will pull through, stopping his heart or not." She took a deep breath, trying to calm her own doubts and fears. "He will be ok," she finally whispered.

We reached the coffee shop and Jac sat me down at an outdoor table before going inside to get some coffee. She came out, sitting beside me in case I needed her support again. She handed me my coffee and I wrapped my cold fingers around the cup. As warm as it was today, I felt ice cold.

I took a sip of the coffee. "Yuck Jac. You know I like coffee sweet but how much did you put in this?"

"Loads. Sue you are in shock. You need the sugar." She told me and I nodded. She was right. I drank the rest without even tasting the sweet liquid.

My mind went back to Brian. I probably shouldn't be doing it, but I couldn't help but think of what they were doing to him. The whole procedure had me scared out of my mind and I couldn't budge the thought of his heart being stopped, relying on an artificial device to keep him alive. "Jac, I'm scared. I don't want to lose him. He means everything to me."

"I know. You won't lose him. I'm scared too. He means a lot to me as well. Shit Sue, he's got you to live for, that alone will pull him through."

I smiled at that thought. "He will be okay won't he." It was a statement, not a question.

"Yes, he will."

I looked at my watch. "We have to get back. Now."

"It's okay Sue. He will be asleep for a while."

"I don't care. I want to be there when the doctor comes out."

"Okay then, Come on. But you have to relax. You have a bit of colour in your face now. Promise me you will be okay."

"I can't Jac. But I'll try." I said.

We walked back across the park and into the hospital. I hesitated at the doors, afraid of what I might find, but Jac urged me on with a slight tug at my arm. We walked to the elevators again and I closed my eyes, forgetting where I was.

We walked in the room all eyes on us as we did. Harold came over to me. "Are you okay now Sue?"

I nodded. "Yeah, a couple of mishaps, but I think I will be okay. Any news?" I asked eager to know.

"Nothing yet. It shouldn't be long." I nodded, and sat back down, Jac hovering nearby. I was okay for now, knowing it wouldn't be long.

But that newfound ease soon turned to more anguish. One hour had past and now two, and there was still no sign of the doctors. I felt sick again, but I was not leaving this room. By now I was just in a state of shock, not feeling anything, not comprehending anything else. I knew Jackie was going through the trauma, along with Harold. Shit everyone in this room was.

Another half an hour went by and I thought I would pass out with the fear I was feeling. Waves of nausea were common, and Jac kept bringing me cold water and wet washers. I think she was helping everyone out, with Kerry's help, I wasn't comprehending. I remembered what Brian had said earlier in the day. 'Whatever happens today, just know I love you,' he had said. I hid my head in my hands and cried quietly.

Finally the door opened and the doctor walked in. Everyone looked at him expectantly. I couldn't move, I was frozen to the spot, shaking with fear. The doctor scanned the room, but he smiled. "Brian is doing fine." He heard him say and relief washed over me. Jac threw her arms around my shoulders. I hadn't even realised she was beside me. So many emotions were going through me, relief being the dominant one.

The doctor was explaining the reason behind the delay in surgery, but all I could think was that he was okay. I would see him, he would get better and then we will have the forever he promised me. I wanted to scream with happiness. Brian was okay.

Jackie and Harold went to see Brian and I waited. "He's okay Jac." I said simply.

She grinned. "I told you he would be." I could see something on her mind and I frowned. "Sue, you know he is going to look like hell?"

I hadn't thought a lot about it. "Yeah. He will. But he is okay." Was all I could say.

Harold came over to me. "Sue you can go see him next. Just tell him I said hi if he is awake."

I got up on weak legs and threw my arms around him. "Thanks Harold. Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I think it's you he will want to see. I'll see him soon enough."

Jac walked up behind him. "Thanks Harold. She needs this."

It was another 20 minutes before I could go in to see him and I was getting anxious. Jackie walked in and hugged me. "He wants to see you. Go to him. He needs you." I nodded and walked out of the room, suddenly frightened again. I looked back and Jackie smiled, encouraging me to go on.

The nurse showed me where to go, leading me in the right direction. All the things that had made me feel so ill before were still right there, but now, they didn't effect me. I stood on front of the Intensive care room door and looked through the glass. Brian lay on the bed, his eyes closed, a tube in his nose, and other assorted tubes stuck to him. All the equipment was scary, but also somehow comforting. I could hear the beeping of the heart monitor even through the door and relaxed, knowing my fear from earlier was unfounded, but so very real. His heart was beating strongly.

I pushed the door open and walked in. He looked at peace, sleeping comfortably at the moment, but I knew there were painkillers doing their job. I sat next to him and took his hand in mine touching it to my lips. His hand was warm, warmer than mine. I didn't know what to say or do, I was just so overcome with relief to react.

I felt him move and I looked up at him. His eyes were open, watching me and a single tear slid down my cheek. I wiped it away with the back of my hand and leaned down to kiss Brian on the cheek, lingering close to him. "Welcome back Brian." I said to him softly.

He smiled briefly. "Sue." He took a shuddering breath, trying to speak.

"Shhhh, there's time for talk later. You are okay now, that is what is important. Just relax now, and get better."

"Stay with me," he pleaded.

"For as long as I can Brian. I'll stay with you. I love you Brian." My own heart was beating at a rapid pace, swelling with the happiness I was feeling, I could only keep smiling at him.

His eyes nodded closed. I sat staring at him, smiling. I couldn't move, I was simply overcome with relief that he had come through this and now everything would be okay. I had been so scared. I held his hand as if it was a link to my heart, in turn sending strength to him. I lay my head down next to him, closing my eyes, feeling at peace once again.

I was woke up by a nurse who had come to check Brian's vital signs. I looked up and he was awake, smiling at me. He looked much better, but I knew life would get tougher over the next few days at least. The nurse asked me to leave and I did so reluctantly.

From that moment on, I spent as much time as I could with Brian, but it wasn't always possible. Brian's spirits visibly lifted when I arrived. Everyone who had anything to do with his recuperation was quick to tell me, so I was there as often as I possibly could.

They had Brian out of bed the very next day after surgery, and while he was in pain, it had to be done for his own good, to help with a speedier recovery. It agonised me to see him in so much pain, I wanted to take his pain away for him, but each day it got a little better, each day he made progress.

He had many visitors in the hospital. Of course there was his parents and brother, and Kerry, Jac and I. Kevin visited once, and I once again used his shoulder to shed a few tears. The stress for me was not over yet, not by a long shot. I hated seeing Brian in such constant pain. He rarely complained about it, but you could see it in his eyes. The normally smiling eyes had a haunted, pained look sometimes.

I thanked Kevin again for all he had done for me, and told him how Jac had helped me the day of the surgery. They made a great couple, both being compassionate. Kevin confided in me that he had gotten the shock of his life when he had seen Brian shuffling down the hallway with the IV in his arm. Up until then it was as if it wasn't real. Seeing him verified it was really happening.

The next few weeks were a trial for us all. Brian slowly made progress in his recuperation, but he was frustrated. I tried to be there for him, to help him as much as I could, but there were times I knew he needed space and I gave it to him. He lost his temper many times. Not at anyone in particular, mostly his inability to do certain things. He wanted to be running around, he wanted to play basketball, he wanted to do so many things he had to slowly build up to doing.

One thing he could do was a lot of walking. That was good for him, and something he could do with me, provided he rested when he got tired. We walked hand in hand all over the place, talking about everything and anything that came up. I was so proud of his achievement over the weeks of his recovery and told him so many times. Of course during our many walks we would always wind up kissing, leaving me hot and breathing heavy. He told me that was the best part of our walks, with a smirk on his face.

His final doctors appointment before he was ready to go back into rehearsal for the new tour was a special day for us all.

Chapter 24
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