I smiled at him and nodded. He always did this sort of thing making me smile when he thought I was down. He had sensed my mood again. I loved how he knew me so well.

The crackle of the overhead announcement system caught our attention. "Brian Littrell, you are wanted at the office for a phone call."

Brian went pale, and like me he thought the worst. They didn't announce phone calls unless they were urgent. I grabbed his hand across the aisle and squeezed it for support. He looked suddenly scared, his eyes devoid of the usual laughter in them. This was what had been bothering me, but what could it be?

"Brian, you are excused from class, you may as well take your books now." Our teacher said to him.

"Thanks." He looked at me. "See you later?" I nodded feeling scared. Something important was up.

It was hours before I saw him again. After dinner that night he knocked on the door. I felt angry, he knew I would be worried, but he left me waiting with no word from him, I imagined everything from a family member being hurt or worse, to something simple.

"Brian, what happened I have been worried sick, why didn't you ring me?"

"Sue." He said and stopped. The look in his eyes gave me a feeling of dread. It was something to do with him, I knew it by looking at him, but what? He pulled me into his arms and held me tight. "I love you Sue, more than anything. You know that don't you?"

I moved back, feeling very confused and uneasy. My heart began to pound. "Yes Brian, I know that. What's wrong?"

He took a deep breath and looked at me, holding me close. "I am going away."

"Away? To Cincinnati?" I asked. Oh God, please don't tell me it's anywhere else.

"Not to Cincinnati. To Florida."

I frowned. "Florida? What are you going to Florida for?" I was confused and feeling suddenly very scared. My perfect relationship with my perfect guy suddenly didn't look so perfect. He would go away, he would forget me. I felt tears starting to sting the back of my eyes and blinked.

"That phone call, today at school," he said excitedly. "It was from Kevin. He wants me to audition for that group he is in. They need another member. Kevin thinks I am perfect for the position."

I didn't know what to say or do. Damn Kevin for ringing Brian. Didn't he know I needed him too? I pulled out of Brian's arms and sat down. I stood up again and paced. I motioned for Brian to follow me to my room. "I don't understand. You are auditioning for the group?"

"Yeah, no guarantee I will get in, but Kevin was pretty confident. He asked me if I have my passport."

My heart sunk. But I tried so hard to look excited for him. I wanted to be excited for him, because it was obvious he was almost jumping out of his skin. All I wanted to do was cry. I just had this sixth sense this would be the end of our relationship. "Passport Brian?"

"Yeah, Kevin said we would be maybe going all over the world. Isn't it fantastic Sue? Oh we could become famous and you could join me and... oh I am so excited."

"That's great Brian, You have always wanted to sing and this is the way you can do that." I said flatly. He didn't pick up on it. "When do you leave?"

"First thing in the morning."

"Tomorrow morning?" He nodded and I lowered my head. Tears now began to spill over and the misgivings I had about our whole relationship came back to me. I knew this would happen, just not like this. My heart would always belong to Brian, I knew that, but Brian would now go off to the big world and he would forget about me. He might say he will always remember, but with time and becoming famous, he would forget. From the very beginning I felt our relationship would come to this. Our friendship would always be there, but the relationship would end. I didn't want it to.

"Sue." He said lifting my chin, to look into my eyes. "Please don't cry. I want you to be happy for me."

"I am happy for you Brian." I sniffed. "I'm just going to miss you. You won't be around when I need you. When I wake up from a bad dream, you won't be close enough for me to ring and talk to you till you calm me back to sleep. If I have had a bad day, you won't be here to make me laugh, when something great happens, I won't be able to share it with you," I said as a huge tear fell. "We are always together and now you won't be here."

"Ah, Sue, please don't cry. I won't go. It's not worth it to see you cry like this."

Now I was shaking my head. "I can't let you do that. This is the opportunity of a lifetime for you. I would never stop you from at least trying, I'd never let that come between us. I love you Brian. I will always love you, but I want what is best for you too."

"But I love you Sue. I don't want you to be unhappy. Something else will come along."

"It won't Brian. This is your one opportunity and you have to grab it. I won't stop you."

Now he was beginning to consider what I was feeling. "I'll be lonely without you. I won't have anyone to share all those things with either you know. I love cheering you up when you are down, now I won't know when you are down. When you wake me in the middle of the night with a call after a bad dream, I like making it all better for you. Sue, don't think for a moment I am not going to miss you like crazy, because I am."

He pulled me into his arms and held me tight. I thought he would break me, but I never wanted him to let me go. I clung to him for as long as I could, no more words needing to be said. I just wanted to hold him. I had to get a lifetime of hugs from him in a short space of time. He moved back a little and looked at me, as if he was memorising my face. "I'm going to miss you beautiful," he said before his lips came down to mine.

I kissed him, as I had hugged him, never wanting to stop. I memorised his taste, and how he felt in my arms. My hands wandered over him feeling every muscle. I stood there in his arms, wishing I had let him take another step further with me, but I still knew it wasn't right for me. But right now I wanted him to love me, in every way he could. But he couldn't, we couldn't. So I kept on kissing him.

"Shoot, I have to go. I promised mom I would be home by 9. It's already after."

"I'm sure she will understand Brian."

"Yeah. Oh Baby, look at you, your eyes are all red. Please don't cry."

I wiped my eyes and tried to be strong for him. I smiled and he smiled one of his famous heart warming smiles back at me. Brian went downstairs to say goodbye to my family, each one of them happy for Brian, but sad to see him leave. I stayed in my room while he talked to them, then came downstairs as Brian was leaving.

"Will you come to the airport tomorrow? To see me off?"

I shook my head. "I can't Brian, It would be too traumatic." He looked disappointed, but I knew I couldn't do it. My heart was already breaking into a million pieces, I couldn't do it again in the morning.

"Well, I guess this is it then." He said to me.

"I guess so," I answered him, trying hard to smile encouragingly.

"Oh God I'm going to miss you Sue. We've been together our whole lives."

"I'll still be here for you Brian. I'll always be here for you. Just promise me one thing."

"Anything Baby, anything at all."

"When you are rich and famous, you'll still remember me."

"Oh Sue, I will always remember you. You are my one true love. You know that. Please tell me you know that."

I nodded, I knew that for now. But I just couldn't shake the, 'but what about later' feeling.

He kissed me then, one more long deep loving kiss then he had to go. He turned to leave and came back three times. But finally, he left, not turning to look back. I watched till he was out of sight. "Just remember me Brian. Please" I said and turned back into the house.

I walked into my room and threw myself on the bed. Now Brian was gone the tears fell freely. I couldn't stop myself or stop my heart from breaking more with each breath I took. All along, from that Christmas day less than 4 months ago, I had known this would happen. Maybe I was selling Brian short and he would keep in touch, but in the back of my mind, I knew. It was less than 4 months. That was all we had had. It wasn't very long. I had wanted a lifetime.

I rolled over and saw the stuffed toys Brian had given me over the years. I smiled weakly as more tears fell. My whole body ached with grief. My best friend, my soul mate, was leaving me and I was devastated.

I don't know how long I cried, but eventually I fell asleep. It was a fitful sleep and I woke with a start, my heart pounding, another bad dream. I reached for the phone to ring Brian, then I remembered what had happened earlier. May as well get used to not having him here to help me now. I rolled over again and lay looking at the wall until I fell asleep again. There were no tears this time, I think I was all cried out.

I woke early in the morning. Mom came to me to see how I was. She gave me a hug and talked to me about how I felt. She didn't treat me like a 17 year old with a lost love, but as an adult with a broken heart and for that I would forever be grateful. My tears fell again and she said she understood, dabbing at my tears and trying to tell me I would be alright. Instead of trying to tell me there are plenty more guys out there for me she tried to reassure me Brian would be back. She knew I was in no fit state to be going to school that day, so she let me stay at home.

Everyone left for school and work and I was left alone at home. I wandered about the house aimlessly, nothing grabbing my attention for more than two minutes at a time. All I could think about was Brian. I could have gone to the airport to see him off, but I knew I couldn't handle it. Every plane I heard fly over in the distance caused a fresh bout of tears. Was Brian on that plane? Around 1 in the afternoon the phone rang.

"Hi Sue?" came a panicked sounding Brian.

"Brian, is that you? Where are you?"

"I'm at Atlanta. I think I'm lost. I want to come home."

I pushed my own heartbreak aside. "Brian Littrell, don't you be silly. You have to go and try out for this group. It is there for you to take. You know I will be proud of you no matter what happens, but you at least have to try. Chin up. Kevin will be there when you arrive. You can do it, I know you can."

"Thanks Sue, that's exactly what Harold said. I wanted to hear you tell me the same. And I wanted to hear your voice. I miss you already. I'm doing this for you Baby. For us." I nodded, not trusting myself to answer. "Sorry Baby, but I have to go, I have to find my flight or I won't make it anyway."

"Okay Brian, I love you."

"I love you too," he said and we both hung up together. Once I hung up, the tears flowed again. I had just told him to leave. He wanted to come home and I told him to go. What was I thinking of?

I was thinking of him, and what was best for him. Singing was for him and we all knew it. My heart would mend as best as it could, but never fully. Until I was back in Brian's arms, forever, it would never be the same.

Later that afternoon Jac came over to see me. She had missed me at school and came to see what was up. As soon as she saw my red eyes, she was in front of me, pulling me into her arms.

"Sue, for God's sake, What happened? Is someone in Brian's family sick?" she asked, her voice full of concern.

"No, he's gone." I said flatly.

"What do you mean, gone?"

"Gone, gone. He left, to try out for a singing group in Orlando."

"The one Kevin is in?"

"Yeah, that one. Jac, I miss him so much." I said and the tears began again, both of us crying. I felt like my life was over, but Jac pulled me up. She wasn't going to let me fall into a big heap.

A few days later Brian rang me. He was full of excitement telling me he had been accepted into the group. He told me all about his new friends and how he had formed a particularly fast friendship with the youngest member Nick. He told me about AJ and Howie, and of course what a help Kevin was to him. They all had tutors to finish their schooling and AJ and Nick's mom's were there for them. I didn't want to like these people. They were taking my Brian away from me, but he made them all sound so nice and they were looking after him. I had to like them.

"Sue, you are very quiet."

I shrugged knowing he couldn't see me. "I'm just listening to you Brian. It sounds very exciting."

"I wish you could share it with me. I have never experienced anything like this." I couldn't answer him. He didn't even pick up on the fact that I was on the verge of tears, something he would have picked up in an instant before.

"Um, Brian, I have to go now," I said, making up an excuse before I burst into tears on the phone.

"Sue? Are you crying?"

"No," I squeaked out.

"You are aren't you? Sue please don't cry. I hate it when you cry."

"Sorry Brian I can't help it. I miss you so much. It hurts."

I could feel his frustration. "Sue, I'll be back for the Prom. I promise you I will be."

I smiled. "Okay. But I really do have to go. Talk to you again soon?"

"I'll try okay? I don't know what we will be doing over the next few weeks." He said, almost dismissing me. Then he was gone. No I love you anymore, and he never gave me the chance to say it. I knew then he wouldn't ring me.

Over the next couple of months Jac was my shadow, taking me everywhere, not letting me feel sorry for myself. But when I was in bed alone was a different story. I missed Brian like crazy and cried a lot. I wrote a lot in my diary about how I was feeling, more often than not ending in tears. All those things I had said to him that night before he had left were right. He wasn't here with me anymore to share those things and it hurt. I wanted him with me. I wanted to be with him. He never had time to ring me and the last I heard, from Harold, was that they were in Europe, trying to break into the market there.

The phone calls he did make were hurried. He was having the time of his life while he was away, I heard it in his voice every time we spoke. I tried to sound happy for him, and I think I succeeded, but every time he rang, it was like a knife twisting further in my heart. All I wanted to do was hold him. I wanted him so much. I needed him as much as I needed air to breath.

He promised me he would come back for the Prom. That was one thing for me to lift my spirits. Jac and I had fun shopping for Prom dresses, make up and nice hairdos and it gave me something to look forward to.