I sat in a chair, uncontrollable tremors shaking my body. Someone pressed a drink of brandy in my hands, I don’t know whom, but they forced me to drink it. Gideon and James hovered protectively about me, but I was in shock. The news about Eric had spread throughout the set like wildfire. Lizzie who had found his broken body in my trailer, had to be sedated and taken to hospital. Steve, getting no sense out of her, had abandoned his attempts at questioning and had gone back to examine the crime scene, which was roped off and had the police swarming all over it, trying to find clues.
‘Jac.’ A voice penetrated the numbness in my mind. ‘Jac.’ A soft touch on my hand caused me to look up into Ken’s shattered face.
‘Ken.’ My voice faltered and became a whisper. ‘He was killed because of me.’
‘Oh Jac, sweetheart.’ He knelt in front of me and picked up my hand. ‘Jesus Jac, your hands are like ice.’ He tried to rub some warmth into them. ‘I’ve got a car ready to take you home. Steve wants you out of here. He said to tell you he’ll come by later when he’s through here. I’ve rung Kevin, he’s on his way home with your father now.’
‘Oh Ken, I don’t know if I can live with myself now. This is all my fault. If the stalker hadn’t been thwarted the other night, Eric would never have been killed. He’d still be alive today.’ Tears filled my eyes, but I bit my lip to stop them from falling. If I gave way now, I knew I’d never be able to control myself. I took a deep steadying breath as my acting training came to the fore. The numbness was beginning wear off as grief began to tug at the edges of my heart. ‘He was the sweetest kid, I liked him so much and he didn’t deserve this.’ My voice caught in my throat. ‘ And today I’d finally convinced him to call me Jac as well.’ I added making Eric’s death all the more poignant to me.
Ken didn’t know what to say, his own face was pale and grief stricken, everyone one involved in this movie’s production had been rather fond of Eric. Instead he squeezed my hand in comfort and signalled for James and Gideon to take me home.
**********************************
Kevin burst through the front door of the apartment like a whirlwind, Miles hot on his heels. He found Gideon pacing restlessly about.
‘Where is she?’ Kevin asked abruptly concern making his voice sound harsh.
‘In your bedroom. I tried to make her lie down and rest but…’ he left the rest of the sentence unspoken with a shrug of his shoulders. Not bothering to answer Kevin raced down the hallway intent on getting to his wife as quick as possible. He couldn’t describe the fear that had gripped his gut when Ken had broke the news of Eric’s murder to him. All he knew was that Jac would need him, and that had been his one driving thought on the drive home. Miles sensing his son in law’s distraction after the phone call had removed the car keys from Kevin’s hand with an implacable look that forbid any arguments.
‘I don’t think Jacqueline would appreciate it if I let you kill yourself, if I let you drive home in this state of mind would she?’ Miles has said with a calm he far from feeling himself. Now as he watched Kevin rush to comfort his daughter he wondered with a deep sense of foreboding where this would all end. ‘I’ll think I’ll make us all a good strong cup of tea.’ He said out loud showing his Englishness and faith that a good strong cup of tea would put all to rights.
***************************************
Kevin opened the door of their bedroom quietly, just in case by some chance Jac was sleeping. She wasn’t. She sat quietly on a chair by the window staring off into deep into space. Her strained grief stricken face was pinched and white and drained of all colour.
But her hands told the story of her agitation. Not at all restful, they twisted and turned as she
plucked at her fingers nervously. He closed the door quietly behind him and he made his way over to her side. Her eyes were red rimmed and swollen from crying and the skin was tight and drawn across her cheekbones, and her normally smiling mouth drooped and her lips were down turned in their sadness. She hadn’t heard him enter the room, so he squatted down on his haunches in front of her, taking one of her icy hands in his larger one while with his other hand his fingers gently stroked her cheek. Concern and worry for her clouded his face and made his normally handsome features hard. Blankly, with a puzzled look she glanced at him, it was as if she hadn’t expected to see him in front of her. Pale sea green eyes, so changeable like the ocean with her every mood, were now frozen in shock but there was fear there as well. She sat deathly still her body rigid with tension, she was as taut as a bow string and would break just as easily if placed under any more strain. He chewed at his lip as he thought quickly, desperate to find the right words to offer any comfort he could. She stared at him unseeing, like a mist had clouded had her vision, he opened his mouth to speak, not liking her colour, she was looking decidedly green about the gills.
‘Baby, Jax love, I’m here now.’ He said gently lacing his fingers through hers. Her eyes focused on his face and he breathed a sigh of relief that was short lived.
‘Kevin?’ she said with voice croaky from crying. She looked into his eyes and the colour drained from her face and said ‘I think I’m going to faint.’ Before doing exactly that.
Cursing, Kevin easily caught her up in his arms and laid her gently on the bed. He gathered up a throw rug that lay on the end of the bed and tucked it about her. Despite the warmth of the late afternoon she felt deathly cold. He opened the door and yelled out for Miles to get her a brandy and a strong cup of tea, before sitting down beside her on the bed chaffing her hands. She moaned her eyelids fluttering as she started to come too.
***********************************
The world was spinning out of control. I felt like I was trapped in a vortex, then slowly the mist before my eyes began to clear and I found myself lying on our bed covered with a rug and Kevin rubbing my hands was talking softly to me. Strange I thought vaguely, why am I here? My eyelids fluttered open and I heard Kevin speak softly to someone. ‘She’s coming around.’ I tried to sit up but gentle hands pushed me back down onto the pillows.
‘No lie still babe.’ I gave up the struggle to sit up and did as I was told. I blinked against the light and finally I focused on Kevin’s face, his evergreen eyes full of worry and concern.
‘I’m alright. I think.’ I croaked out. I tried to raise myself up again.
A gentle hand stroked my hair. ‘ Just lay still baby, you fainted.’
I felt the bed move as someone sat down next to Kevin. ‘There is the brandy and tea you wanted Kevin.’ I turned my head towards the voice.
‘You do as Kevin tells you Jacqueline, you’ve had a shock and it’s all got to much.’ My father said as he patted my leg.
I pulled myself up to a sitting position, shaking off Kevin and my father’s hands. ‘I’m ok now, honestly.’ I lied. I still felt woozy and disorientated and the room still had a tendency to spin.
‘Well whether you are or not, you’re going to drink this.’ Kevin held out the brandy. He wasn’t buying my story, despite the uneasiness on his face he looked sceptical. I sighed wearily as I took the glass from his hand staring pensively into the golden liquid as I examined its contents.
‘Drink it Jax.’ He insisted softly.
I swallowed it in one gulp grimacing at the taste, but I felt the fiery spirit burn its way down my throat and immediately its warmth flooded my weary limbs. I coughed and spluttered as I handed the glass back to Kevin.
‘Now drink this cup of tea.’ He held it out towards me and my eyes met his.
‘But I’ll be sick.’ I protested weakly.
‘No you won’t. Drink it please Jax,’ I took one look at the determination on his face and the set of his chin and gave in and sipped from the cup. This was one battle I wasn’t going to win and I didn’t feel inclined to argue with him. I heard my father give a chuckle. ‘Good work lad.’ I glared at him over my cup, but unconcerned he just patted my leg again. ‘I’ll leave you two alone now.’ The door closed behind him leaving us both alone.
‘You’ve put sugar in my tea. I hate sugar in my tea.’ I pulled a face in disgust.
‘It’s good for shock, you know.’ he tilted my chin up and studied my face. ‘You look horrible.’ He said bluntly but he softened it with a half smile.
‘Thank you my love. I’ll admit I’ve had my better days.’ I said wryly. I placed my cup on the bedside table and drew my knees up to my chest, hugging them tight against me so I could rest my chin on them.
‘Here shove over.’ He shifted himself next to me as I scrambled across the bed to make room for him. He wrapped his arm about me and I leaned in resting my head on his shoulder. ‘I think you should talk about it Jax, holding all your feelings in will do you no good you know.’
‘I know, but oh Kevin, how can I live with myself. It should have been me, not Eric. He was a kind gentle lad and he didn’t deserve this, not on my account. All this is my fault. It should have been me.’
Kevin roughly turned my face to his holding my chin captive with his fingers in a none too gentle manner and said harshly. ‘I don’t ever want to hear you say that. Do you hear me? Ever. It shouldn’t have been you, never you. Jesus babe, don’t ever say that.’
I paled at the anger in his eyes but ignoring it I flew off the bed and paced the floor angrily, guilt at Eric’s death tore at my innards. ‘Well tell that to Eric’s family Kevin. What a comfort it must be to them, the fact that I’m still alive and their son is dead. Let’s tell them Kevin that he’s dead because some wacko wanted to send me a message. A message that’s made his point to us all so bloody well.’ Kevin leapt off the bed to stand in front of me, his brow creasing over strained eyes in his attempt to reason with me.
‘It’s still not your fault Jax. He chose his victim well. Knowing just what the impact of this tragedy would have on you. He’s playing cruel mind games with you. There was nothing you could have done to stop this happening. It was out of your control.’ He laid a hand lightly on my arm. I shook it off angrily.
‘But I have to live with this Kevin, live every day of my life knowing that a friend of mine was murdered, just so some wacko guy could play mind games with me.’ My fragile control snapped and a sob escaped me.
Kevin reached over none to gently and pulled me to him cradling my head against his chest as I sobbed into his shirt. ‘Oh sweetheart. I wish I could take the pain away.’ He whispered against my hair. I soaked his shirt with my tears. I could hear his heart pounding in his chest as he held me close.
Finally my sobs subsided and I looked up into his eyes and sniffed. ‘But you know what the worst thing is Kevin? Don’t you see? It could have so easily been you. Eric was my friend, but if it came to a choice between you and him. I’m relieved it was Eric and not you Kevin, and that thought is making me feel even guiltier. Because if it was you that had been killed, I think I would surely die.’
‘Jesus baby.’ He whispered softly his face pale. He saw the turmoil and her fear for him on her face,
I could see he was lost for words but his strong arms just held me even tighter. He raised my face up to his and placed feather like kisses all over it before he claimed my lips with his for a deep feverish kiss.
When he raised his head I begged him as I clasped his face between my hands ‘Promise me you’ll have Carlos with you at all times, promise me please Kevin.’
‘ I promise baby ok? Come on lie down now, you need to rest.’ He pulled me down onto the bed. He lay down beside me resting his head on his elbow while his other hand fiddled with a lock of my hair. ‘Do you want Carlos to stay here with us? He can have the spare guestroom.’
‘Yes, I do. I don’t want you out of his sight.’
‘Even here in our bedroom?’ Kevin said with a weak attempt to make me smile.
It half worked. I nodded no.
‘Ok it was just a thought.’ He teased tenderly.
‘Well it’s not one of your better ones.’
He dropped a kiss on my nose and made to get up. ‘Well I really think you should have a sleep Jax.’
But I scrambled up on my knees and grabbed hold of his hand to stop him leaving. He sat back down beside me with a quizzical look in his eyes. ‘ Kev, don’t go. Stay with me please. I don’t want to be alone.’
Sitting back down he moved so I could snuggle into him and he wrapped his arm around my shoulder and rested his head against mine. ‘We will get through this Jax, that I do promise you. One day we’ll wake up and this nightmare we’re in will be over.’ He said fiercely. And I wondered which of us he was trying to convince himself or me.
‘I hope so Kevin.’
I placed a kiss on his neck and he traced a finger along my jaw but he looked me straight in the eye. ‘I know so baby.’ He told me his lips finding mine. I clung to him. He was my rock, the one stable point in the stormy sea of my existence at the moment. He was so strong and I knew that I would need every ounce of his strength to get me through this ordeal, but for now I just wanted to forget it all, block out the horror. And here in his arms was the best place to do so.
‘Make love to me Kevin.’ I asked desperately as I clasped his face in my hands. ‘Make love to me and make me forget all this.’
Without any hesitation he understood my need. Gently he lay me down on the bed and in his arms the outside world ceased to exist as he carried me away to a place where his love prevailed and like a knight in shining armour he slew all my demons and for awhile I found peace.
******************************************
Eric’s funeral was a traumatic experience for all parties involved. The press had finally sniffed out trouble, and despite Kerry getting her father to exert his influence, word had got around that there was a hot story brewing.
Events at the Halloween party, then Eric’s murder, combined with the persistent rumours of a stalker hounding me and the fact that there were two bodyguards shadowing my every move, added credence that the rumours might just be true. And they were now being openly talked about around L.A. It could have been far worse. Kerry’s father had managed to control to a certain extent the wild speculation but the bare facts could no longer be suppressed. I was used to having my photo splashed about the front page of the tabloids, but all my sympathies were with Eric’s family to whom all this must have been a nightmare. The paparazzi were camped en masse outside the church, vultures preying on the vulnerable.
All of the cast and crew were attending the service, and against Gideon’s and James advice I was determined to show my respects to my friend as well. The studio and the Ken’s production company had provided a great deal of security, but we still had to fight our way through various media camped outside the ring of protection. And the flashes from the cameras were blinding and the clicking of the snapping lens deafening.
Gideon, James and Carlos proved to be a practised and formidable barrier for us. Shielded by Kevin’s body and wearing a large black floppy hat and dark sunglasses that hid my red puffy eyes, I kept my head down as I clung tightly to Kevin’s hand as we quickly pushed our way through the press of people to find Ken waiting for us. Kevin and I, together with Ken, made our way to our seats, shadowed discretely by James, Gideon and Carlos who took up protective positions close by. I kept a tight rein on my emotions, and I knew the stress of the last week, on top of all the months of trouble, had taken its toll. The mirror couldn’t lie. Dark smudges beneath my eyes because of disturbed sleep made me look tired and wan, and my face was drawn and thin. I had developed a restless nervy habit of twisting and tugging at my wedding band and fiddling with my bracelet and with this edginess came a tendency to jump startled at every sudden noise. My nerves were becoming frayed as I worried that the stalker would now strike against those I loved, Kevin, my family or my friends. I couldn’t get the fear of this happening out of my mind. My waking hours were fraught with worry and fear for them. I felt like my life was on the verge of cascading out of control and that feeling of constantly standing on the edge of a precipice and waiting to fall was causing a good deal of mental fatigue and I knew I was at the limit of my endurance.
The only peace I found was in Kevin’s arms where at night he would make love to me and I would respond frantically, tiring myself till I fell into a the restless sleep of one emotionally exhausted. And I had come to rely on him more than anyone else in my life before, more even than Kerry or Sue who where the closest I had to sisters. And they had both been incredibly supportive of me. Sue rang everyday from New York where she was working on Broadway. She was willing to leave the play for me if I needed her with me. I was touched but refused her offer. Kerry dealt with the press in such a way that her father would have been proud of her and she had barely had a moment’s peace, since the story broke. Both were a constant boast to my flagging spirits but Kevin, he was the best thing that ever happened to me.
My father regretfully had to fly back to London before the funeral, he had to close an important deal but he pulled me aside before he left. ‘You know at first I regretted the hasty circumstances of your marriage to Kevin?’
I nodded. ‘Yes I know, you told me so. In no uncertain terms as well.’
‘Well Jacqueline, I‘ve already told your young man this. But I couldn’t have chosen anyone better for you. I know I’m leaving you in good hands. He’s a good man darling. For once, it seems this one scrape of yours has paid off, he really loves you.’ I hugged my father and kissed his cheek.
‘I know daddy.’ I had told him.
Now sitting here in the church beside Kevin, I stole a glance at his profile as I remembered my father’s conversation. He stared stonily down at the floor his eyes unwavering as he listened to the minister speak of Eric. His face was set and tense, accentuating his strong jaw more than normal. He too looked tired, the situation was taking its toll on both of us, more than I had realised I thought. He sensed me watching, and glanced sideways at me. With an inaudible sigh he captured my hand and laced his fingers through mine, our eyes locked for a brief few seconds, the look of love and reassurance in them softened his face before we both turned back to the service.
Then it was over, and we made our way sedately out of the church and into the bright sunlight. I reached into my bag and found my sunglasses and placed them over my tear stained eyes, shielding them from view and the sun. We stood talking quietly amongst ourselves when a small older woman approached us
She looked around the group as Ken introduced us to Eric’s mother. I felt my heart plummet to my stomach as her pale red ringed eyed held mine fleetingly before accepting our condolences. She made polite conversation for a few minutes before reaching out and laying a light touch on my arm. ‘May I have a word with you in private please Ms Ryecroft?’ I nodded silently, my tongue felt like it was stuck to the top of my mouth and with a side ways look at Kevin, who nodded reassuringly, I let go of his hand and followed her to a bench under the dappled shade of a tree. James and Gideon followed silently, keeping their distance but making sure they were close at hand.
We sat in silence for a few minutes, listening to scraps of conversations that floated around us on the breeze. I looked about the churchyard before turning to the woman sitting beside me. I waved my hand at my two shadows as I tried to explain. ‘I’m afraid Gideon and James are a necessity, I hope you don’t mind. I know you said you wanted a private word but after, after…’ I found my throat closing up as my voice trailed off. How could I speak of Eric’s death to his mother, especially when I felt so responsible and guilt ridden for it happening. I looked down and poked at the ground with my shoe, heedless of the dirt it left on my toe. Eric’s mother looked at me and sighed.
‘My dear I understand.’ She looked away into the distance as if gathering her thoughts before facing me again. She folded her hands neatly in her lap her next words made me look at her. ‘Kenneth tells me you’ve been having a hard time coming to terms with Eric’s death. Eric used to speak of you often Ms Ryecroft. He always said that you were very kind to him and for that I thank you.’ Her eyes were full of unbearable sadness, but they held no hostility towards me in their brown depths. That surprised me into speaking.
‘He was so sweet, so helpful and everyone liked him, Eric was my friend. He brightened my days on the set with his smile and we always used to chat over a cup of tea after filming was finished.’ My voice cracked as I remembered his cheery face and the eagerness to please in his eyes. With a sigh I continued ‘ And I would have done anything for this not to have happened. I’m so sorry, so sorry…..’ I took a deep breath to steady myself and looked away from the pain in her eyes, it was too raw. Again I poked at the ground drawing circles with my toe.
A light touch on my arm brought my head up. ‘I want you to know Ms Ryecroft, that I don’t hold you responsible for Eric’s death. I hope you believe that. The person that murdered Eric is pure evil, and you shouldn’t blame yourself, because you do don’t you.’
‘Yes, I do. If not for me Eric would still be alive.’ I closed my eyes and thought of poor Lizzie who had found his body. She was barely holding up today. If I looked bad, she looked dreadful but Eric’s mother continued.
‘Maybe he would, maybe he wouldn’t. Eric’s at peace now. He was always a shy child. See I was told I would never have children Ms Ryecroft.’
I said impulsively. ‘Mrs Brooks please call me Jac. I always asked Eric to call me that. It’s so formal and well finally he did……. the day he was murdered.’
His mother took my shaking hand and I was amazed at her aura of calmness. She looked inquiringly at me. ‘Jac. Is that short for Jacqueline?’
I nodded. ‘My father calls me Jacqueline, my friends all call me Jac, and Kevin my husband calls me Jax.’
‘ A pretty name. But yes I remember Eric telling me that. Something about you not being able to sit still if I recall?’
‘Yes something like that.’ I studied her face again. The ravages of her grief told it’s own story. She would have been a beautiful woman in her younger days. She still had now what they used to call good bones. But she looked weighed down by her cares. These had been a hard few days and her face bore the brunt of the strain, but for all that, she was a kind hearted woman who’s only thought was to ease another’s pain.
‘Then I shall call you Jacqueline as your father does.’ She smiled slightly and stared off into the distance.
‘You were telling me that you could never have children Mrs Brooks.’
She smiled her sweet smile. ‘Yes, I was, wasn’t I. Yes Eric was a surprise. He was a change of life baby. God works in strange ways. He saw fit to bless our later years with a child. He was his father’s pride and joy but sadly my husband died a couple of years back.’
‘I’m sorry to hear that Mrs Brooks.’ I murmured, she looked across at me and patted my hand.’
We had a good marriage Jacqueline, we were happy. Do you love your husband?’
‘Very much so. We sort of had a strange start.’ I confessed. ‘But I love Kevin so much, he’s the best thing that ever happened to me. He’s good for me, he balances me out, make’s me whole.’
‘Good. Eric said you both loved each other and that you were nothing like the press made you out to be. I can see that he was right. You are nothing like I expected.’
I sighed. ‘Arhh my reputation has preceded me wherever I’ve gone. Well that’s mostly fiction. But not all of it, I am no angel. I have had my moments.’
‘I see you’re human and honest.’
‘And fallible.’
‘Aren’t we all my dear?’ she gave me a wry smile then continued with her story. ‘ Eric was a delightful child, but I fear having older parents made him shy and retiring. He loved his work, a friend of ours got him the job with Kenneth’s production company. He loved movies and films, he would watch them constantly. I think he blossomed there. It did him good to mix with all different types of people, it brought him out of his shell.’
I smiled remembering him flitting about the set, his mother’s words bringing him so vividly back to my mind. ‘Yes, it did. He touched my life with his gentleness. I shall miss him.’
‘I will as well. But Jacqueline, he can no longer be hurt, he’s beyond all earthly cares now. Now if I knew my son, he would be concerned for you and your state of mind. I want you to put all thought of blaming yourself away from you Jacqueline. You have nothing to feel guilty for, nothing at all. You have enough to worry about without taking on unnecessary burdens that are not yours to bear. Eric’s murderer will face his judgement one day of that I’m sure. But you must take all the care in the world that you will be safe. You must be strong and not give in.’
‘I’ll try, but I really do fear for my family, my friends, for Kevin. He’s already used Eric to strike at me and I live in deadly fear of whom will be next.’
She patted my hand and I could see by the look on her face that she too wondered if my nightmare would continue. But she rallied and said. ‘ I’ve kept you from your husband long enough Jacqueline, he will be worried. I’m glad to have finally met you. I can honestly say Eric was right to like you so much. Now I mustn’t neglect the others here today. I hope I will see you again.’ She rose and offered her hand to me, which I took and held. ‘Please be careful Jacqueline.’
She smiled and turned away, leaving me to ponder her words as I sat staring off after her. James and Gideon came up beside me. James tapped my shoulder. ‘Ok Jac?’ he asked.
‘Yes I think so.’ James reached down to haul me up from the bench.
‘Come on Jac, I can see Kevin looking fit to burst with curiosity and concern over there. Let’s get you home now.’
‘Home James? I don’t think I’ll ever be home till this is all over with. Nothing or nowhere feels safe any more.’
Gideon took my arm worry on his kind face. ‘Nothing?’
‘I’m scared guys. This isn’t the end of things is it?’ I looked across to Kevin who was walking towards me. And as a fierce protectiveness overwhelmed me I vowed. ‘If that madman harms anyone else I love, I swear I won’t rest till I get even or one of us is dead.’