"Thank you for calling Bellsouth Dial Internet Service. My name is Lamar, could I have your phone number with the area code first, please?"
"So, you're finally here, huh?"
Silence.
"What was your name again?"
"Lamar. Could I have your phone number with the area code first, please?"
"What's that damn phone number? Holy crap, this place sucks."
Silence.
"Sir, could I have your first and last name?"
"This is HOWLIN' MAD MURPHY!"
Silence.
"Okay sir, and what is your Bellsouth user ID?"
"Chopper Dave."
"Okay sir, could you please spell that for me."
"...okay. Nope."
Silence.
"Um, sir, could you please spell that?"
"Nah nah nah nah, nope."
"Are you having a problem with your email, sir?"
"Right."
"Okay sir, and what is the problem you're having?"
"Look, all I want is some sweet, new balls."
"I'm sorry, sir?"
"Aw, clean your ears out, woman! I want some balls!"
Silence.
"Look, I'm...I'm just gonna just lay my cards on the table, and maybe you'll think this sounds crazy. Who knows, maybe I am crazy. But if this is crazy, babe, I don't wanna be sane. I'm in love with you. You want the mustache on or off?"
Silence.
"Okay sir, is there anything else I can help you with?"
"Jeez, way to go, Sparks. You broke the monitor, and you're dead! Happy? I warned him."
Silence.
"Uh, sir, is there anything I can help you with?"
"I bet your lymph nodes are as big as cats! My nipples are hard just thinking about it."
Silence.
"I'm sorry sir, what...what's hard?"
"There go my nipples again."
"I'm sorry, sir, but what does that have to do with Bellsouth?"
"It's not a toy. It makes real cupcakes. With a 40-watt bulb. And it has icing packets. But the secret ingredient...is love, dammit."
Silence.
"That's nice, sir. Are you having problems with your Internet?"
"What? What in Judas Rockin' Priest is goin' on around here? Are you an assassin?"
"Uh, sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to keep it professional."
"Shut up, mailbox head."
"Sir, keep it professional."
"Is there ever a bad time for pudding? Is there?"
"Uh, sir, what does pudding have to do with Bellsouth?"
"Aren't you, uh, forgetting something?"
"Like what, sir?"
"What about little butter-chubs, there?"
"Sir, who is butter-chubs?"
"Damn your non-metal body! Now who's ready to beat some ass?"
"Sir, I hope you know this call is being recorded."
"Now strip down and let me get to your buboes."
"Sir?"
"SHUT UP!"
"Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Listen fignuts, whoever's on this phone, get off of it! Because I need this line clear!"
"Sir, please keep it professional."
"You're the fifth caller!"
"Uh, sir, what does that mean?"
"This is Howlin' Mad, go ahead."
"Okay sir, is there anything else I can do for you?"
"Silence! I swear to god, I'll stiff ya, son."
"Okay sir, I'm releasing this call. Thank you for calling Bellsouth Dial Internet Service and have a great day."
"You just bought yourself a ticket, smart guy."
Click.