Deep Thoughts, Funnies, and More
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THE FOLLOWING ARE ACTUAL QUOTES FROM ACTUAL PPL (From "The 365 Stupidest Things Ever Said" by Ross & Kathryn Petras, published by Workman Publishing, NY):

On the Future, More of It:
"There is certainly more in the future now than back in 1964." - Singer and actor Roger Daltrey

On Contestants, Odd:
Richard Dawson (host of Family Feud): Name the first thing you take off after work.
Contestant: Umm. Underwear.

On Trying Again...And Again...And Again...And:
"If I don't make this one last, there's something wrong with me." - Mickey Rooney, on marriage #3, 1949
"This one is for keeps. We're really in love." - Mickey Rooney, on marriage #4, 1952
"The perfect end to an imperfect journey." - Mickey Rooney, on marriage #5, 1959
"It's unimportant how many times a person is married. We don't think in chronological numbers. Margie's my wife and we're sure this is a good one." - Mickey Rooney, on marriage #6, 1966
"I am my own man for the first time." - Mickey Rooney, on marriage #7
"At last I've found the real one." - Mickey Rooney, on marriage #8, 1975
"His previous wives just didn't understand him." - 25-year-old Jan Chamberlain, Mrs. Mickey Rooney #8

On Confidence-Building Signs:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work) - Sign on door of repair shop

On Time, Different:
"It is now 22 minutes past 8:30." - WKAT (Miami) radio personlity Lynn Russell

On Corporate Life, All-Too-Typical:
As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and emplyees will receive their cards in two weeks. - Winner of the Wizards of the Coast "Corporate Shuffle" quotes contest (quoted in Duelist magazine)

On Vital Political Jobs:
Associate Assistant Secretary
Assistant Assistant Secretary
Deputy Assistant Assistant Secretary
Associate Deputy Assistant Secretary
Chiet of Staff to Associate Assistant Secretary
Chief of Staff to the Assistant Assistant Secretary
Principal Deputy to the Deputy Assistant Secretary
Principal Assistant Depury Undersecretary
Associate Principal Deputy Assistant Secretary
- Federal job titles, as quoted in The New York Times

On Patrons, Big:
"Every single seat is absolutely packed." - Ron Jones, on Radio 5 Live (U.K.)

On Minks, Mean:
"Minks are mean little critters. Vicious, horrible little animals who eat their own. They're not beavers. I wouldn't wear beavers. I'd rather have a mink coat made of mean little critters that are killed in a very nice way and treated nicely for their short, mean lives so that I could keep warm." - Actress Valerie Perrine

On Carrying Automatic Weapons Around, Arguments For:
"It's their own personal equipment, like you have pens." - Indonesian General Syarwan Hamid, justifying his soldiers carrying loaded machine guns on the streets

On Prisons, Very Strict:
"An automatic incident report will be wrtten on anyone found with trash in their trash can." - Don Williams, prison unit manager

Great Moments in Courtroom Testimony:
Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q:Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979
- Testimony from court records

On Romantic Guys:
Reporter: When did you get married?
Cleveland Cavaliers forward Tyrone Hill (turning to his publicity man): When did I get married?

On Historical Knowledge, Vice presidential:
"Who are these guys?" - Al Gore, referring to the busts of Jefferson, Washington, Franklin and the Marquis de Lafayette, on a televised tour of Monticello, home of Thomas Jefferson

On Warnings You Can't Argue With:
WARNING: WORKS ON HIGH TEMPERATURES WHEN PUT ON HIGH SETTINGS - Hair dryer advisory

On Arithmetic:
"We talked fives times. I called him twice, and he called me twice." - California Angels coach Larry Bowa, on off-season conversations with the Cincinnati Reds' Stan Jefferson

On Death, Partial:
MAN THOUGHT HURT BUT SLIGHTLY DEAD - Headline from the Providence (R.I.) Journal

On Helpful Leaflets:
If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons. - Printed in a pamphlet

On Executions, Why We Need 'Em Faster:
"The last thing you want is for somebody to commit suicide before executing them." - Gary Deland, former Utah director for corrections

On Memory:
"I remember a lot of things. I just can't remember them." - Junior Ortiz, on his five years with the Pittsburgh Pirates

On Autos, Human:
"Except for his car, he's the only man on the track." - Murray Walker, on ITV (U.K.)

On Say That Again, Please:
"I do not want to put labels around his head and nooses around his neck that he cannot live up to." - Tony Carr, manager of the West Ham Youth Team

On U.S. Forest, Why The Trees Look Kind of Droopy Recently:
Only unqualified applicants may apply.
Only applicants who do not meet standards will be considered.
-Two separate position announcements for the U.S. Forest Service

"I Didn't Know That!" Department:
SUFFOCATION MAY CAUSE DEATH. - Warniing on an automotive A/C recycling machine

On Tax Returns, Filing Instructions For Criminals:
Illegal income, such as stolen or embezzled money, must be included in your gross income. - Helpful information posted on the official Internal Revenue Service Web site

On Who Needs Food When You've Got a Computer:
"I'm just tossing this out...but maybe we need a tax credit for the poorest Americans to by a laptop." - Newt Gingrich, former House speaker

On Weather, Fickle:
Weather Forecast: Precipitation in the morning, rain in the afternoon - From the Detroit Daily Times

On College Courses, Demanding:
Course at the University of San Diego: An Introduction to Sand Castle Building

On Difficult-To-Remember Dates:
"We are trying to change the 1974 Constitution, whenever that was passed." - Representative Donald Ray Kennard (R-Baton Rouge), during a debate in the Louisiana state legislature

On Pitchers, Very, Very Old:
"Coming on to pitch is Mike Moore, who is six-foot-one and 212 years old." - Cleveland Indians sportscaster Herb Score

On Dog Owners, Loyalty Of:
"Once you've had a bull terrier, you'd never want any other dog. I've got two bull terriers, a rottweiler and a bulldog." - Julian Dicks, on Radio 5 Live (U.K.)

On Guards, Feeding:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty. - Sign in a Budapest zoo

On British Sports Adages, Unusual:
"If you can't stand the heat in the dressing-room, get out of the kitchen." - Terry Venables, Capital Gold

On Questions, Redundant:
"What time does the ten o'clock tour leave?" - Question asked of a coporate travel guide (thanks to Piper Neagles)

On Road Signs, Painfully Honest:
DANGER: SLOW MEN AT WORK. - Road sign in Brunei

On Endorsements, Not-That-Great:
"Except for his tendency to get angry, arrogant, and sulky, he is the most qualified." - Noboru Takesita, former Japanese prime minister, on trade minister Ryutaro's prospects of getting the prime minister's job

On Crooks, Real Stupid:
"Give me $418 - and no ones." - Bank robber in Dundalk, Maryland, to a bank teller

On Questions, Zen-Like:
"Can you get a ticket for running a stop sign that's not there?" - Question posed by 16 year old driver's license applicant on May 4, 1999, as heard by a Florida driving school instructor

On Mob Lawyers, Ethics Of:
"I've represented people as vigorously as I know how, protecting their constitutional rights...If anybody has a problem with that, they shouldn't be allowed to vote." - Oscar Goodman, former mob lawyer, when announcing plans to run for mayor of Las Vegas

On Our Legal System, Great Human Rights Moments In:
SUPREME COURT RULES THAT MURDERERS SHALL NOT BE ELECTROCUTED TWICE FOR SAME CRIME - Headline in the Cleveland Daily News

On Public Vomiting, Why It's Not a Good Idea:
It causes inconvenience when you are passing by and walking down the street. - Reason given by officials for passing an ordinance against public vomiting, as reported in the Phillippines Daily Inquirer

On Differences:
"We have no differences because we have nothing in common." - Tennis player Guillermo Vlas, speaking about Argentina Davis cup teammate Jose Luis Clerc

Tornado Sweeps Through Cemetery, Hundreds Dead - Newspaper headline

Cow Attacks Farmer with Ax - Newspaper headline

On Important First Steps In Putting Out a Fire:
FIRST, CARRY TO FIRE - Instruction on fire extinguisher

On Interviewers, Apparently Not-Too-Smart:
Richard Madeley: I understand you have a little lad of 12.
Caller: Yes, that's right.
Madeley: Is he a body or girl?
Caller: A boy.
-Overheard on British radio

On Instructions, Hard-To-Follow:
"Can you hear me? Squeeze once for yes and twice for no." - Police detective, questioning a wounded officer

On Violence, Violent Responses To:
"I would say that anything that is indecent and violent in TV is a crime against humanity and they should shoot the headman responisble." - Media mogul Ted Turner

On Alibis, Rock-Solid:
"My son couldn't have been involved because, at exactly ten-thirty, when this shooting took place, he was over the other side of town in a housing project, murdering someone who owed us money." - A New Orleans woman defending her son to the police, who were accusing him of having committed a drive-by shooting

On Percentages, Problems With:
"Pitching is 80 percent of the game. The other half is hitting and fielding." - Baseball player Mickey Rivers

On Confusing Soccer Analogies:
"The problem is that there's no middle ground in football anymore - and we are in that middle ground." - From the Liverpool Echo (U.K.)

On A/C's, Important Tips About:
DO NOT ALLOW AIR CONDITIONER TO FALL OUT OF WINDOW. - Warning on a window air conditioner

On Recipes, Deadly:
Blend sugar, flour and salt. Add egg and milk, cook until creamy in double boiler. Stir frequently. Add rest of ingredients. Mix well, serve chilled.
Funeral services will be held Thursday afternoon at 2 o'clock.
- From a Gettysburg (Pa.) newspaper

On Blondes, The Truth About:
MOST LIES ABOUT BLONDES ARE FALSE - Headline in the Cincinnati Times-Star

On Good Points:
"It's only puffy when it's swollen." - Baseball player Charlie Hough, on his broken finger

On Precision, Imprecise:
"Walking down the street, I saw - to be perfectly precise - ten, twenty, fifty, one hundred beggars." - Tommy Boyd, on Talk Radio (U.K.)

On Family Fun Days, Perhaps Not as Fun as They Thought:
It is thought that Raj Mohammed Poselay was beaten to death, possibly during a family fun day in the park. - From the Wolverhampton Express & Star

On Calendars, Loud:
"Mr. Milosevic has to be careful. The calendar is ticking." - NBC News consultant Richard Haas

On Avertising Claims, Proud Boasts:
IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE'VE GOT IT - Slogan for a tire store (thanx to Chris Brauchli)

On Points to Ponder:
LACK OF BRAINS HINDERS RESEARCH - Healine in the Columbus (Ohio) Dispatch

On Food For Thought:
"My appetite is so good that I can eat the tablecloth right off the chair." - Representative J. Joseph Moakley (D-Massachusetts)

Great Moments in Broadcasting:
Listener: My most embarrassing moment was when my artificial leg fell off at the altar on my wedding day.
Simon Fanshawe: How awful! Do you still have an artificial leg?
-Conversation on Talk Radio (U.K.)

On Great Moment In Legislation:
Representative Reggie Dupre (D-Montegut): I can't accept this amendment, Mr. Speaker Pro Tempore.
House Speaker Pro Tem Peppi Bruneau (R-New Orleans): The amendment is by you, Mr. Dupre.
- Conversation during a Louisiana state legislature session

On Taxis, Disquieting Signs Seen In The Backseat Of:
SAFETY FIRST: Please put on your seat belt - prepare for the accident.

On Defendants, Great Answers From:
Lawyer: Sir, what is your IQ?
Defendant: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
-Testimony from court records

On Bryant Gumbel, Life of the Party:
"It's not that I dislike many people. It's just that I don't like many people." - TV newsperson Bryant Gumbel

On Parents, Divine:
"I have a God-given talent...I got it from my dad." - Missouri basketball player Julian Wakefield

On Learner's Permit Test Questions, Really Mind-Boggling:
A "No Parking" sign at a certain location means..." - A multiple-choice question on New York State's learner's permit test

On Legal Contradictions, Odd:
"My lord, we find the man who stole the mare not guilty." - Welsh jury verdict

On The Homeless, Rumor-Spreading:
"There is no housing shortage in Lincoln today - just a rumor that is put about by people who have nowhere to live." - Mrs. G.L. Murfin, mayor of Lincoln, in the Lincolnshire Echo (U.K.)

On What About the Other Cars:
"Most cars on our roads have only one occupant - usually the driver." - Carol Malia, BBC North-East

Our Fire Department will blow the siren 15 minutes before the start of each fire. - From the Wayne County Mail, Ontario, New York

On Death, Startling Facts About:
"For most people, death comes at the end of their lives." - GLR broadcaster (U.K.)

On Legal Questions, Extremely Important:
Q: Were you acquainted with the decseased?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: Before or after he died?
-Testimony from court records

On Midnight, Early:
MIDNIGHT BOWLING SATURDAY AT 9 P.M. - Sign outside Green Mountain Lanes in Lakewood, Colorado (thanx to the Armiotes Family)

On The Dead's Sense Of Humor:
"We were disturbed by the ridicule because death, especially to the person who has just experienced it, is not funny." - Spokesman for a national funeral directors' association

On Feet, Dexterous:
"I broke the fingers of my feet." - French motorcyclist Raymond Roche, describing a motorcycle crash in which he broke some toes

On Consulting Jobs We Don't Want:
OUTSIDE CONSULTANT SOUGHT FOR TEST OF GAS CHAMBER - From the Arizona Republic

On TV Ads That Might Not Reach Their Audience:
"If you or any member of your family has been killed..." - Lawyer ad on TV, reported in Orlando, Florida

On Warm Welcomes:
THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. (THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE ENTRANCE.) - Sign on a chruch door

Great Moments in Cross-Examination:
Lawyer: Looking at People's Exhibit 5, a photograph, can you tell me who is in the picture?
Defendant: That's me and Officer Geiger.
Lawyer: Were you there when the picture was taken?
- Testimony from court records

On Nervous Drivers:
"It is a fearful thing to contemplate that, when you are driving along the road, a heavy horse may at any moment drop from the sky on top of you." - Mr. Justice Vaisey, quoted in The Daily Graphic (U.K.)

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