Today is 6 April 2005 making me smile: green current
lyrics: I remember all the feelings and the day they stopped
My feet turn me on. Not my feet specifically, but
when they try to walk on slippery things. Like my light tan rainbows that aren’t
completely broken in yet. And slippery rocks in rivers. And wet floors. The sudden
slipping feeling that’s contested by the flexing of the arch and the toes
really gets to me.
I went to a lake today and it reminded me of how in
love with lakes I am. They are most certainly my favorite bodies of water. I
talked to ktc about it one night and she said that the ocean was hers, “as an
institution,” but that lakes were pretty damn good. I concur.
I think there is a very fine line between being
used/walked on/naïve and being laid back/not caring. I would like to think that
I’m still on the side of not caring. I feel like some things that happen to me,
I don’t really have any control over and it is a waste of energy worrying about
them or trying to change them. I like to put trust in the people I know won't ever hurt me and learn by trial along the way who the rest of them are. Most days I would be very happy to sit outside
and drink some kind of beverage that includes a lime wedge and say "sometimes, you just gotta say..."
Today is 10 April 2005 making me smile: iced coffee current lyrics: free, that’s all that she can be,
that’s why she’ll never stay
The weather lately has been amazing and it’s made me
so content with my life. It really just reinforces that I am a summer girl. I
love the smell of things that have dried in the sun. I washed my sarong
yesterday and left it on the porch to dry. When I brought it inside I just
wanted to curl up in it and take a nap with all the windows open. The smell
brings back memories from Vermont, Long Island, camp, and Massachusetts. Those
are my summer places.
Sometimes I feel like things seem really recent,
like they just happened a week ago and when I realize that it’s been a year, a
half a year, two years, nine years, I get really sad that I let them slip away.
Other things seem like forever ago that just happened. Jenny’s birthday and
that whole (weird as fuck) weekend was just a week ago but I would swear that
it has been a month or two. Albert E. had something there when he theorized
that whole “time is relative” thing.
For whoever cares, this is what the next ten days of
my life requires of me: paper on NYT coverage of US policy towards the EU, read
a book and write a page on it, paper comparing two books on post-modernism IR theory,
and three finals. Oh, and don’t care about things. Got it.
Today is 15 April 2005 making me smile: the grey one, with the blue eyes current lyrics: it isn’t like I want [him] back, I
just didn’t realize I was so fucking attached
I forgot what I was going to write about. I had a
point but I lost it. I’m sorry.
Today is 01 May 2005
making me smile: Patrick Dempsey current
lyrics: can you help me unravel my latest mistake?
I’m drunk, so please excuse this: I think. I think
about kissing him. I think about the fight we had. I think about all the things
I finally said to him that I wanted to. I think about how he didn’t even look
at me. I think about how many times I’ve seen him that aren’t fair (because
everyone else I know? Guys that have broken them into pieces? They’ve been able
to go weeks without seeing them) I
think about his name. I think about other people that don’t even come close to
how I think about him.
I cried myself to sleep the other night because I’m
not as strong or as sure or as something that I thought I was. I’m not good
with the whole girl-boy thing. I’m shy and I’m not sure of myself and I’m self conscious
and all that comes off as bitchy. And I’m almost 22 and that’s not so good.
Graduation was yesterday. Today. James and I drank
margaritas tonight, which we need to do more often, even though we do it almost
every other weekend. I will miss James and Jenny like they don’t even know. They
are my other 2/3 and it’s not even funny.
I download music like it’s nobody’s business and I listen
to lyrics and I string them together to tell the story of my life in one long
lyric that that’s not related at all but it is because it’s my life. I hear
songs and make play lists that a boy would give me on a mixed cd and he would
say “these are how I think about you” and they would be good. I check and
recheck and recheck and calculate and recalculate my grades because maybe if I’m
good enough then I’ll be good enough. I think about running and getting
addicted like I did that one time because maybe if I’m thin enough then maybe I’ll
be thin enough. I’m jealous. Of nothing. Of everything.
Today is 2 May 05 making
me smile: peppermint dentyne ice current lyrics: the
clock says it’s time to roll now, for all you people fo
sho
Yesterday:
[1]I got pooped on by a bird and even though it was
gross I’m considering it good luck.
[2] I killed a bird. In my defense it was a suicidal
bird in the middle of 43rd street that didn’t have enough sense to
try to fly away at the onset of traffic. I still feel terrible though and am
racked with guilt and probably lots of bad luck that totally negates the good
luck that came along with the poop. So I’m back where I started except that I got
pooped on in the process.
[3] I bought myself an iPod mini for doing well this
semester. I had to order it from Apple because no where in gville had the green
ones. I’m terrible at waiting though, I feel like it’s all my life consists of.
[4] I fell asleep during “The Blowers Daughter”
[5] I had a dream that somehow incorporated the
Westwood locker room, blue shampoo, showers built into armoires, a fictional
great aunt, and a school, where I think I was a teacher?
Today is 14 May 2005
making me smile: armbands current lyrics: and if you ever say you missed me then don’t say you
never lied
I saw a picture tonight at Jamie’s that made me cry.
I’m sure it’s the 5 cosmos I had but I think it’s the first picture that’s ever
really made me cry; If not the first, it was the first in a long time. It just
represents all that I see as wrong in my life and with me, all that I failed to
see, all that went over my head, all that I knew, but refused to admit because I
was stubborn. And I wanted to make it be somehow. It showed me a shirt that I haven’t seen since
then, it showed a smile that I haven’t seen since then. A pair of lips, a pair
of eyes. Ones that I thought I’d get to look at for at least a while longer.
I ran stadiums last night and it was the worst
showing of athleticism I’ve ever witnessed. I need to do those more often, and
will.
I miss Paul, way-nuff, 7/16”, orange milkshakes,
knowing what a good split was, oars, boats, riggers, the boone drum, the o.a.r.s.
bagpipe, multiple sarah’s and liz’s, being paul’s girl, re-making all my best
friends, water polo, 17th ST, driving to work together, running at
midnight on 441, being fluent, drinking at jenn’s, thinking there was so much
college left, grill works, camping out, my phone lighting up blue at 2am, alias
dates, having a crush on the boy in the picture.
Today is 24 May 2005
making me smile: kittens who haven’t figured out what their tail is yet current lyrics: oh my god it’s a man
So I went to this wedding on Saturday that was
filled with old faces, ones I hadn’t seen in years. Scott got invited to row
with the US Men’s National team. Jessica and Spencer are pregnant with their 2nd.
Letty’s ring is huge.
Then I came home and found a little cat (I named her
LC) next to my door, and being the dork that I am, I brought her in and started
to organize a lets-find-this-little-cat-a-home campaign (I’m like that). She’s
freaking adorable. She chases her tail, she hides behind my bathroom door, she
buries her face in any nook of my body she can. I couldn’t find her a home so
now I have to take her to the pound, because places like the humane society and
g-ville pet rescue don’t take in strays. I feel really bad because I know the
statistics of how many cats are taken in versus how many are actually adopted.
I’m not very good with the idea of pets being abandoned (and there’s no way
that this cat wasn’t a pet). I get sad too easily.
Maybe I’m too much of an idealist. I hate settling
for anything less than what I want. Oh god, this is about so much more than the
damn cat, isn’t it?
Today is 31 May 2005
making me smile: irony current lyrics: it
was good, as good goes
There is a song that will forever remind me of the
counselor resource room at ccl. I was up really late at night painting these
huge murals of the ocean, and I had this song on repeat. I kept having to move
everything to be able to put the paper down. I think Cassie came in with ice
cream at one point, and maybe Miles. That was probably my favorite week at
camp, my color group week. I remember being scared that no one was going to
like me and telling that to Blake before we left. Maybe it was a self
fulfilling prophecy or maybe I just really do have ESP. Either way I’m not
going back this summer and I’m ok with it.
When I couldn’t fall asleep the past two nights my
mind wandered to things that I have had to let go of prematurely. I thought
about crew a lot… the way the boathouse smelled at the end of the summer, with
my huge gar fish hanging over the right hand bay (I wonder if it’s still there).
The way the oars felt in my hands and how I’d prefer wood to rubber any day. I
thought about camp, and how even to the very end of it, I wasn’t sure if I fit
in ok. I thought about my dad some, but not as much as I usually would have in
that thinking sequence of things I miss. Sometimes I notice that I’m never not
ok. I’m always self sufficient enough to make it through, and then I think
about how if I know this going into something, why not just be ok all the way
through? Why not just shrug everything off in the beginning of the drama, of
the heartache, of the headache, and just be ok.