Date: 13 Jan 2005 Consider: growing to look like your friends Listen to: you've got a body like a battle axe.

I feel like my head is spinning. It's the second week of school and already I feel so behind, even though I know I'm not. It's like I'm so used to being behind, and I figure I wil be at some point, that I'm just preparing myself for it now. It's not a good feeling, actually.

Work is work. The kids frustrate me. Especially when I have ten year old girls with the attitudes of 19 year olds telling me to chill out. I got really depressed.angry.tired this afternoon, and even though I know it's because of my period, and that does offer some solace, it doesn't change the fact that I have felt like shit all afternoon and been on the verge of tears.

I would just like to say, however ambiguous this comes out, that when you get mad at someone and yell at them for an hour about being made of concrete and never showing any emotion, and then they try to fix it and say sorry and make amends, it's not, not cool to just ignore that effort and never acknowledge that it was made. So thanks. This is why I stay curled up in my little shell of bitch and never let people in. Because when I do, I get shat on.

btw: i took down my archives for several different reasons. so if you look you won't find them. i really just wanted to start over. i think a very good therapy would be to print them all out and burn the pages one by one, but it would also make me very sad.

Today is 17 Jan 2005 making me smile: caramel in my coffee current lyrics: she bitched so much, she drove me nuts, and now we're happier this way

I am going to live by myself in the fall. Hopefully it will be more good than bad. (I’m very curious to see what happens when my period isn’t messed up by two other girls who are on bc.) I am sad though because all of my best friends are graduating.moving.getting married.leaving me all at once, and I will be left in Gainesville all by my lonesome. It will also be very weird, transitioning from camp where I’m surrounded by people 24/7 to living alone.

I actually have a lot more to say but my head is about to explode and I have to go out in the cold to buy myself some medicine.

Today is 20 Jan 2005 making me smile: hiding spiders current lyrics: I was too damn stubborn to stop you or say anything

I’ve started pulling my hair out again. Cute. I’ll be looking like a baby duck again in about a month. I hate days where I don’t feel like I fit in my body right, like it’s on backwards or something. Today was one of those days.

I was talking to Jamie last night and Margo today, about graduating and leaving and the prospects of growing up. I’ve decided that I’m at the point where I have one foot in college, happy to be there and not wanting to leave anytime soon, and the other foot starting to inch away, wanting to go somewhere else in a different pair of shoes.

I was talking to my mom about certain goings on in my life, and she told me that I need to leave. I need to graduate, move away and forget about things here. I get really sad when I can see the truth in what others are saying, when I can see clearly enough to know that the reality isn’t what I wanted it to be (and never will be.) When I know that how he will be remembered is as the one wasn’t.

I really hope that my disposition improves with the weather. I feel like things get better and worse with the temperature and the amount of clothing I have to put on in the morning. I just want to be warm and tan and happy. Lying on a bed in front of a fan listening to music and ski boats.

Today is 4 February 2005 making me smile: nothing current lyrics: she wishes she was a dancer, and that she’d never heard of cancer. She wishes God would give her some answers and make her feel beautiful.

Today sucked ass. I would just like to say that this whole week hasn’t been the best, but today it just all exploded.

First of all I’m sick. I hate being sick. I hate sneezing, I hate being congested, I hate coughing up yellow stuff, I hate taking pills and nasal spray, I hate being outside in 40 degree weather when I can’t breathe.

Secondly, I sat underneath a flickering fluorescent light in my class this morning. The sinus pressure and the light combined to give me a migraine and made me almost throw up.

Thirdly, we had a very long meeting at work about random things that I didn’t really want to hear because it’s the same things being discussed over and over and over. Our staff wasn’t like this last year and it makes me wish for Chris and Blair and Joey and Court and Jenn. Because they didn’t CARE if they had to sweep for someone else or if they had to take extra kids because something funky happened and that’s how it was. They were the bomb basically and only me Margo and Blake know about them I feel like.

Fourthly it is a Friday evening and I am in desperate need of studying all weekend. I know that it isn’t the worst thing to have to study all weekend, but the sad part is that I’m not missing out on anything to do this. I am a loser who nobody likes and nobody calls and nobody misses when she holes up in her room for 3 nights straight.

And lastly, I’m not going back to camp. That was the worst part. I got the mail at my moms and I saw the CCL envelope and got super happy and then I noticed that it was oddly thin. There was only one piece of paper and it read “Dear Liz, you suck. I’m not sorry at all to tell you this, but you can’t come back. Nanny nanny boo boo, Tony O.” Not that it said that at all really, but it broke my heart none the less and I stood and cried for about a half an hour. I called Blake and cried and I called Margo and cried and neither of them could make me feel any better. This makes me second guess my whole time at camp last summer, and question everything I did or said to anyone. I don’t know what to do. I really have no idea what I’m going to do this summer, and I’m pretty embarrassed to ask for a job at after school now, or even tell people that I am not going back.

I think at this point I can’t even say how upset I am. I don’t think I even realize how upset I am.

Today is 2 March 2005 making me smile: margaritas with LOTS of salt current lyrics: she said this can’t be the end, we’ll meet on another day

I’m not mad that he hasn’t called me back, that hardly surprises me at all. I’m mad that he called in the first place. A year and a half ago. After everything was over. And said “I was wrong, I do want you.” I’m mad that he says “I love you” and doesn’t mean it. I mad that he interrupted me to scream that he does care. I mad that I let him get under my skin. I mad that to the rest of the world this seems like nothing, and so it invalidates any feelings I have on the matter. I’m mad that what he says would have so much more meaning if it was said 4 hours earlier. I’m mad that he kisses me so perfectly. I mad that he tastes so good. I feel like this is never going to end because of the way we feel about each other but it’s never going to be different because we’re both dumb and full of ego.

Today is 26 March 2005 making me smile: my life current lyrics: I offered up my innocence and got repaid with scorn. Come in, she said, I’ll give you shelter from the storm

1)      Getting a hair cut is possibly the best thing I can do for myself. I revel in the feeling of chopping it all off and watching the pieces fall to the floor. I love how a chunk of hair can feel so alive when it’s attached to my head and so dead once it’s in my hands.

2)      I’m trying to not be scared anymore. I’m trying to be the first to open up, not let it go and press on until I get an answer. It’s not easy. It sucks when it all reverts to what it used to be, like last night when I sat in my car at 2:30 getting frustrated with him only to be coerced off the phone and sent to bed alone.

3)      My life lately has been so crazy, so absolutely insane that I’m not even sure it’s really mine. I love it though, because it makes me feel so much more alive than when things are mundane. I love the drunken phone calls, the sober ones, the missing jewelry, J$, the beautiful days, the blonde hair and the self tanner. I love the pool, James, the rearview mirror that’s laying on archer road, the corkscrew I broke, and the daily mix cds. I love Sophia, my white sunglasses, my bridesmaid dress, my crazy mug, the paper clip that hangs out at the bottom of my screen, and the green sharpies.