.summer 2005.
Today is 23 August 2005 making me smile: stadiums
current lyrics: the cold comfort of the inbetween, a little less than a human being
If I make a peace out cd next year, that song will
most definitely be on it. Jenny moved to Tampa, and I keep thinking about how
wonderful.scary.final it will feel if I do the same thing. There are several
things and/or people that I need to say peace out to and not look back at. A
year may change things, but past years have not, and maybe it’ll be time. Maybe
it’s time now and the only thing holding me back is the fact that I graduate
this semester and not last one.
I had a dream a while ago that I figured out how to
silk screen tee shirts and I opened a little tee shirt shop out of my car on a
windy road that reminded me of the drive to the beach and also sort of a road
in Vermont in the summer time. I tried out my little invention in real life the
other night and I’m actually happy with how it turned out. At least I know that
if my career choices of educator, politician or ambassador fail, I can make
shirts and sell them from my car.
Gwen Stefani’s song ‘Cool’ kind of breaks my heart. Just
a little because I feel like I might be in her same place in a few years and I might
know what it’s like. Or something. I don’t really like having regrets, and
though I only have one major one right now, I still dislike them and am trying
to avoid having any others.
Things I like, however, include my gigantic Zephyrhills
water bottle, running stadiums in the rain, the blue bra that makes my boobs
huge, & being able to look past the bad news and find the silver lining,
however simple that may make me.
Today is 20 August 2005 making me smile: dance parties in my room current lyrics: fucking get me a towel
I am at a very good place in my life right now. Despite
everything not being figured out the way I’d like it to be, it all seems to be
ok. I feel like I will never fully figure things out, but I can’t control that
so I am not going to let them affect me anymore. For some reason I’ve been able
to finally stop caring about things that bother me and for that I am grateful.
Last night was my favorite night in a long time. Any
night that starts with grilling out and market street, includes a dance party, blue
moon beer, a cigar, a trampoline, and ends with a sunrise and a hangover is
good in my book.
I’m happy. That’s all I really wanted to say with
this: Truly happy.
Today is 11 August 2005 making me smile: internet porn current lyrics: I’m surprised that you’ve never
been told before that you’re lovely and you’re perfect and that somebody wants
you
I keep on having little flashes in my head when I’m
walking or falling asleep that I really want to share here. Little poignant bits
about the way I’m overwhelmed with life or the way I love laying in the sun or
the way I haven’t washed my hair in three days because the sand and the salt
feel too good. Or the way it feels to be me.
I start my last semester of college in eleven days.
I think I’m more ready for it just because three of my fifths are already done,
so I’m a little behind and wanting to catch up. It’s not so scary, just a
little weird. I think I grew up a lot this summer. Maybe “grew up” isn’t the
right idea – more like acclimated to the idea that I’m 22 and it’s ok that I’m
older than college kids, it’s ok that I have the beginnings of crows feet and
ok that one of my best friends is now a wife.
We have a charcoal grill here and it makes me happy beyond
happy that I have grilled out more times in the last two weeks than I ever did
before.
I use the word “I” too much. And I list things in
the same manner too frequently. Maybe you didn’t notice this until just now,
and it will bug the hell out of you from now on. Maybe you did notice it and it
didn’t bother you.
Today is 31 July 2005 making me smile: beach hair current
lyrics: seems I always look when I hear your name
Somehow my birthday went almost completely un
photo-documented. I have a picture of an empty Irish car bomb, me looking sly
at midnight, the Atlantic, a firey grill, Cyrille sitting on my couch and
nothing else after that. I have a feeling that it doesn’t matter because despite
the copious amounts of alcohol, I can remember my favorite parts; a birthday playlist in iTunes, “I can wrap it around your head twice,” being a ridiculous drunk, brushing my shoulder
off, some long overdue eye contact and a phone call that confused me to bits
but made me fall asleep happy.
Saturday morning/afternoon I was forced to remember
my French and surprisingly, I did. I love the fact that I have neither an American
nor French accent, but some combination of my own voice and slurred words that
are my attempt to sound more guttural.
I miss Jenny and Nora and Sophia and my cats. I love
road trips to see the red sox and Sofia champagne and beer bands that got
stolen and writing on my door that I can’t understand, but know is dirty. I hate
talking in circles and hang overs and feeling like I was punched in the chest.
Today is 25 July 2005 making me smile: finding my silver baskets current lyrics: I like gypsy moths and radio talk
because it doesn’t remind me of anything
I don’t know when I last updated. I’m sorry this has
been so long in the making. It’s rough at times, being me; the me that is still
a little girl who just wants some help, but everyone else sees the big girl who
grew up ok without it.
I moved. I’m in a new place with teal and lime green
walls, silver lyrics on the closet door and a pair of handcuffs hanging from
the bedside lamp. I don’t really play that much, when you get right down to it.
I feel a little like my room is something out of a movie and that makes me very
happy. Other things that are making me happy at the moment are the huge blue
bath tub that I can call home now, the hot pink flask that adorns my bookcase
and the fact that all of the framed art on my walls is my own.
One of my best friends is getting married in 2
weeks. The fact that I’m not weirded out by it at all makes me feel old. “Of
course Kristina’s getting married. Of course we’re in her wedding. Of course we’re
discussing seating arrangements and shoe dying at brunches nowadays.” Hmm.
Today is 20 June 2005 Making me happy gigantic fake diamond earrings current lyrics I shall drive my chariot down your
streets a’ cryin “oh it’s me, I’m dynamite” and I
don’t know why
Sometimes the best weekends begin with taking a
final and kicking the essay’s ass, and they end with me falling asleep
during Hope Floats. In between there is a little crescent beach sand, some
vodka, peach schnapps, cranberry, pineapple and driving back to Gainesville with
the windows down. There is usually a little 80’s music for good measure,
passing out on a trampoline with my future roommates, making at least six new
friends, and being told I’m beautiful. Occasionally a collection of
random middle school boys, a street fight, a pack of clove cigarettes, and an order
of moons over my hammy will work their way in. There is some domesticity
(because I just wouldn’t be me if I wasn’t domestically inclined
when I’m hung over), some watermelon by the pool, and a Real Simple article
about lemonade stands that makes me cry.
I just wanted to say thank you to everyone I know
because over the course of my life I have come in contact with some amazing
people and I feel very lucky. Sometimes I wonder if I affect other people as
much as they do me, and then I get a letter in the mail from Laura telling me
that I do, and it makes everything worth while. I love you all. Even the ones
who don’t know it.
When I was driving home from dinner tonight I saw two eleven year old boys running for exercise or something silly like that. One of them was definately trying to get somewhere though, like he was trying to catch up to an ice cream truck or a dog that had gotten away. He wasn't running the same way adults do, and it made me happy that he hasn't figured out how to yet.
Today is 14 June 2005 Making me happy bobby-pins Current
Lyrics I want you not to go, but you did
I’m currently obsessing over: the good parking
space in front of FBS every morning. Iced coffee. My amber colored lenses. The
humidity. Fog. Feeling sticky. Nora’s 21st on Friday.
Crosswords. Feeling content. My epiphany.
Today is 9 June 2005 Making me happy
being remembered :) Current Lyric
My license plate expired so I either had to renew
the personalized one I’ve had since senior year or be adventurous and
take a chance with a random one. I choose the latter. I was really hoping for
letters that made up some unintentional funny word like WTF, JIZ or AS5. Jenny
got BZL, and that’s pretty funny. Mine? OUN. Like “noun”
without the “n”. I have the feeling that people will be laughing at
me rather than with me. At least I can start being sneakier when being my
stalker self.
I’m super excited about my new room at the new
house. Despite the fact that it will be my smallest room since I was 8, I’m
really looking forward to being able to paint it any damn color I want. I’m
also about to pee my pants over my quote/lyric wall. It will be the jam and there’s
no other way to describe it. I will def post pictures when I get it all done
just so you can be jealous of me.
Had something to complain about but opted against it
for the betterment of my karma and disposition.
I’m at my moms doing the house sitting thing
and while I am in love with her new computer I hate that it’s slow
internet and can’t figure out how to run the AIM installer. I feel very
cut off, not being able to check away messages every 3 minutes to see what all
my friends are doing without me. God forbid I pick up a phone and call them. I’m
so silly.
Today is 7 June 2005
making me smile: margaritas & personal soundtracks & the “&”
sign (& anyone who can write them b.c I can’t at all) current lyrics: it’s not that we’re scared; it’s
just that it’s delicate
I had to laugh at myself today when I was walking on
campus listening to music, as if the fact that I couldn’t hear anything else
made it more like a movie montage than walking back to my car after class. Bittersweet
Symphony came on as I was walking down the middle of an empty street and I thought
how cool of a shot that would be so I tried to walk with the beat of the music,
I think it’s been done before, I’m sure. Then I realized the music is way too
slow to walk to, so whatever I’d seen must have been slowed down a lot because I
was walking kind of ridiculously. I’m damn sure glad I wear sunglasses like it’s
my job so I didn’t have to make eye contact with anyone who was thinking “what
is that girl doing?”
I like when I leave a building in the summer and the
heat hits me like a brick and fills my lungs with hot air and humidity, and it
gets hard to breathe for a second, but then I’m ok because I’m a north Florida
girl and it’s what I do; breathe in and out all summer long.
I don’t remember who I told this to most recently,
maybe Nora, but I’m more afraid of being forgotten than dying. I’m scared to be
that girl who remembers everything and everyone and hugs and laughs and jokes
and car rides and smiles and then no one remembers me. It makes me happy to
talk to people that I haven’t talked to in forever and have them remind me of
something. Sarah did that when we had dinner. I was sure that somehow she’d
forgotten about me, but she told me about her roommate who uses the same lip
stuff I have since 10th grade, and how every time she sees it she
thinks of me. The other night I wore a faux-hawk when I went out. I wanted to
IM Leah and tell her because they remind me of her, but then I realized that we’re
not friends enough where she’d care or even be amused by me doing that.
Btw: love the thin layer of salt and sweat that is
on my skin all summer. & am pretty positive that I think way too much.