Today’s teenagers usually complain of a generation gap between them and their parents, a gap which usually causes conflicts between them. As Missy, a 21-year-old account manager says, “Conflict [arises] when my parents assume that their situation then still applies to the world we have right now.” Dino, an 18-year-old college freshman, agrees, “Yung mga bawal noon na okay lang naman ngayon, sobrang ayaw nila (Things that were taboo then but are okay now, they still don’t want to accept).”
Indeed, today’s times are changing. Today’s teens have more and more extra-curricular activities. High school students like Kenny and Nicole, both 16, agree that they usually fight with their parents because of gimmicks, especially when they are denied permission to go out. And apparently, age is not an issue as Mika, a 21-year-old young professional says, “I wouldn't go out till that late if I wasn't sure that I would be with safe people. [But] from their end, it's all about how things have changed since their time, like how unsafe certain areas are in the city and the crime rate.”
The changing times also mean changing opinions and beliefs, which is something not all parents can handle. For Paula, a 22-year-old advertising executive, she and her parents don’t see eye to eye regarding her religious views, as she says, “My parents don't understand that I’m starting to develop a set of religious beliefs that is different from theirs. I do pray, and I do live my life as best as I can. But for my parents, they think it's not proper. That’s where we always clash,” she shares.
It is becoming more common for teenagers to express their beliefs. But parents usually take this the wrong way. As Trizza, a 16-year-old high school student says, “Sometimes I say something and they take it another way, which is not what I meant at all.”
For Camille, an 18-year-old college freshmen, even body language can be taken differently, as she shares, “There was a time that I'd look at [my parents] straight in the eye when they scold me so they would know I'm paying attention. But they thought that I was challenging them, so then I tried not looking into their eyes. They also didn't like it because they thought I was being rude.”
It may seem like conflicts between parents and their adolescent children can never be resolved. But there are ways.
Dr. Anna Josefina Vazquez-Genuino, a Child & Adolescent Psychiatrist, shares her insights on the causes of conflicts between parents and their adolescent children, and offers advice both to adolescents and their parents on how to have a better relationship with each other.
Poor Parent –Child Relationship
When parents think that children are better seen than heard and totally ignore their complaints or comments, this sets a poor pattern of communication during their adolescence.
Lack of Understanding the Adolescent : Parents too Permissive
Some parents place too much trust in their teenager’s judgment, while others are just too busy with other matters. Having parents that are too permissive burdens the adolescent with the task of disciplining himself, which will obviously be a source of conflict with the parents if they don’t agree to his sense of discipline.
Lack of Respect : Parent too Restrictive, Authoritarian or Controlling
Some parents continue to be as overbearing, meddling and controlling of their teenagers as when their children were younger. If an authoritarian and dictatorial style of parenting seemed to work previously, it will instead have an adverse effect on the adolescent who needs more explanations of why certain behaviors are expected of him.
Lack of Communication
Parents need to allow teenagers to speak their mind and give their opinions especially if it concerns them. While parents still have the ultimate say and authority, decisions regarding hairstyle, clothes, hobbies, activities, friends, career should be up to the teenager, especially when these matters do no harm to others anyway.
ADVICE TO TEENAGERS
Talk & listen to your parents.
Let your parents know that you are no longer a child but a young adult with a mind of your own. Some parents don’t realize that you are now at the stage when you are establishing your own identity apart from that of them. But this does not mean that your parents should just leave you alone without any admonition or occasional monitoring. Communication between you and your parents is so important because it is their only way of knowing what’s going on in your life.
Respect, trust and befriend your parents.
Regardless of how you feel about it, you need to ultimately acknowledge your parents’ authority over you. This is exactly where communication with your parents comes in handy: you both can arrive at some mutual understanding of each other, which will eventually result in mutual respect. Being open to your parents about your feelings, concerns, activities, friends and dreams also gives your parents the opportunity to get to know you and accept you for who you are. A feeling of alienation makes parents too critical and judgmental, so if you would like your parents to trust you more, it would be best to be open to them.
Realize that your parents are just human.
You need to realize that your parents are flawed. Sometimes they use the wrong methods of teaching them what is right and wrong, and sometimes they are unable to show their love and concern for you in the way you want or expect. In fact, some parents are just learning “hands on” about their parental roles. Nonetheless, they will always have your best interests at heart.
ADVICE TO PARENTS
Understand that teenagers are no longer children but not yet adults.
Give adolescents opportunities to make their own decisions and possibly make mistakes for as long as there are no permanent damaging consequences. Let them be responsible for their own decisions and actions especially if they don’t follow your advice or admonition. Allowing them to experience negative consequences teaches them to become responsible and accountable for their actions.
Respect your adolescent and allow freedom of speech.
Allow your adolescents to speak their minds and express their opinions and value judgments, even if they are completely opposite to what you believe. Encourage your children to express themselves freely so as not to stifle their ability to think and analyze. Allowing them to speak freely is a sign that you respect them and their opinions, and this is very important to them. If you want your children to respect you in turn, be worthy of their respect. Because children –including teenagers—learn more by example than by words, parents need to be upright in all their dealings at work and at home to model honesty and transparency to their adolescents.
Befriend your adolescent.
Since the adolescent is gradually moving towards adulthood parents need to shift gears and treat them a little bit more like equals than when they were younger. This can be done by letting the teenager know more of your parental concerns for the family- problems with the younger children, financial or difficulties at work- without necessarily burdening them.