IAN: I HARDLY KNEW ME

THE OFFICIAL BIOGRAPHY OF IAN KIDD

Left, Ian Kidd, on a schoolday, as they were...

From this point forth, you entrust yourself willingly to the kind hand of history. You shall not long for the lost joys of the past, nor shall you yearn for the waiting comforts of the future. It shall be your role, from now, to be passive and alert, and be witness to the recollection of the life of this young man. Each step, each word, each smile and each tear will be presented before you. You must pass no judgment, give no criticism, nor make any fond word. You shall exist as eyes and ears only-- a spy on history. Watch, listen, and enjoy.

PART I: EVERY TREK OF A THOUSAND MILES...

Ian James Kidd was born on June 7th 1984 at six o'clock. He narrowly missed Neighbours, an early demonstration of his perogative to self-survival. Following in the steps of a grand lineage, Ian shares a birthday with such luminaries as Tom Jones, Maria Callas and Anna Kournikova. Ian grew up in the small post-apocalyptic town of Stoke-on-Trent, most noted for its fine Wedgewood pottery and low ranking on the UN humanitarian index. He attended St. Thomas' Primary School, leaning to read, write and tie his shoelaces. This took up eight years of his life. This was interspersed with various other events, such as swimming, learning and shoe-lace tying. 

In 1996, Ian began to attend St. John Fisher Catholic High School, and continued attending there until 2002, when he stopped. Ian demonstrated strong ability in all subjects, except maths, sports, design and technology, music, textiles, home economics and French. Ian has an excellent attendance and punctuality record, except for one or two days when he didn't. There was a lot of fun had, especially in Sixth Form, which largely consisted of reading the newspapers, doing the crosswords, waiting for lessons to start, and waiting to go home. Ay, those were the days, but there was also some serious learning done. Geopolitics, the problem of evil, the poetry of Blake, international development, and others. For the information of those who are impressed by such triumphant achievements, Ian got:

This quadruple confirmation of academic excellence and endeavor ensured that Ian could begin the next step in his epic journey to greatness. With great victories behind him, Ian marched on Durham University.

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PART II ABANDON ALL HOPE, YE WHO ENTER HERE...

Synopsis-- Thus far, Ian has entered into the world, and has begun his motions toward greatness. His burgeoning intellect extending as far as can openers and Where's Wally, Ian soon moves from the placid joys of youth through to the trials and hardships of an adolescence in a Labour constituency. However, he overcomes these adversaries, and champions through to Durham.   

In October 2002, Ian began to attend Durham University, famed for its ancient cathedral and its excellent philosophy students. The small city, with its lanes and cobbles, served as the perfect home for our newly-matriculated BA Philosophy student. For those readers with a real vocation in life, Philosophy is somewhat akin to intellectual golf. If involves asking questions that no one need ask on subjects no one need consider to formulate conclusions that affect nothing. However, Ian threw himself into Ethics and Values, Knowledge and Reality and Reading Philosophy. He soon concluded that it would be ok to kill himself, because he doesn't exist, and that Socrates was right. Indeed, the repressive costs of university soon paid off.

To stave fears that the old system of head ruling heart would return, Ian also graced many others with the glory of his omniscience. Many people would soon benefit from his greatness, and Ian from their humility. Indeed, arrogance and supremacy were soon replaced by caution and brevity. Many japes and scrapes were to follow. Ben the fellow philosopher introduced us to the joys of Steeleye Span, whilst following a more sensible philosophical path. With Boris, there was founded the Boris Johnson Fan Club. Simon smoked and worshipped God. Rob showed us how to do cryptic crosswords, and then showed us the stars- I can still name them all. Nick drank whiskey and joined the navy. Matthew, Suilin (philosopher!), Tim and the other nice Cruddas people offered a succinct alternative to the Linton corridor, whilst Dave P was lost in ecstasies of Hendrix.  Ethan (Andrew...? Adrian...?) beat us at pool and livened up our dreary days. Adam carried his briefcase and thought wistfully of the civil service. Finnegan...my word. Amy and Danielle were kind enough to put up with the nonsense that Ian sometimes occasions to mutter. Jess managed this, too, but expressed concerns over my arrogance, but we forgave her because she's from Brighton. There are lots of other nice people at Durham, but I won't mention them all. Yet. And my roommate put up with me-- thanks, Joe!

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PART III QUE SERA SERA, WHATEVER WILL BE WILL BE, THE FUTURE'S NOT OURS TO SEE...

Whilst at Durham, Ian had the good fortune to meet Rick Erstwhile, production manager for East Harwood Music Studios. It was at this time that Ban Wailing, the a capello choir consisting of Ian, Boris and Finnegan, recorded their first single, Stop Strangling That Cat. The single was a flop, reaching only Number 41 in the UK charts, but shot straight to number one in Slovakia. This, coupled with other Eastern European interest, convinced East Harwood to take a chance on a ten stop tour. Starting in Prague, and ending two weeks later in Kiev, Ban Wailing went from strength to strength, dazzling audiences- and critics- all across the former Soviet bloc. So great was this East European appeal, that BW (as they were now known) were approached by the CIA to engage in counter-espionage work. By using encoded transmissions in the bass lines of their live tracks, BW operated throughout Russia on the White Russian tour. 

Despite their success to this point, BW came unstuck when performing in Vladivostok, when Chinese secret service agents swooped on them. BW were taken to the diamond mines of Shanghai and imprisoned, having been betrayed by a CIA agent named Bosch. This, and the increasing creative differences within the band, forced BW to split. The fans were outraged, having already invested a small fortune in merchandise. With mass riots threatening, the Chinese were forced to release the ex-BW members, which brings us to the present day. Ian returned to the UK, and operated a small tea room in the Peak District, where he is engaged in writing his sixth book, a follow-up to the Christmas bestseller The Little Book of Gungo-Ho Wisdom. Boris remained in China, before fleeing to Madagascar, where it is believed he survives as a solider of fortune. The whereabouts of Finnegan have yet to be established, but he has been sighted in Hamburg, Johannesburg, Cuba and a launderette near Charing Cross Station. 

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MORE OF THE MAN...TEN THINGS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT IAN KIDD

1) Ian has a wide range of interests. He enjoys tae kwon do, dry slope skiing and rugby, and during his waking hours also likes to pursue reading, thinking and young brunettes with limps. When not doing this, Ian enjoys spending time alone with friends. 

2) Ian often reads, particular interests being the printed word. Science fiction, biography and anything with fact boxes are also popular. Ian likes the old science fiction B- movies, such as Them!, It Came From Beneath Troubled Waters and Mutant Crabs From Beyond Morecambe! 

3) Ian didn't used to drink alcohol, but now does, and explains it by some vague handwaving and muttering some of his Omnian philosophy nonsense about conflict between opposites as the guided basis of the cosmos. He is, however, still haunted by the disturbing anti-alcohol messages of  Dumbo and Pinnochio (remember the pink elephants song? remember the fairground scene?).

4) Ian is not religious, and it is not his fault if some people worship him. The primary objection he holds against religion is the kneeling and the worshipping. Buddhism is the way forward.

5) Politically, Ian growls at Labour, sighs at the Tories, listens politely to the Lib Dems, and asks the Greens to shut the door on their way out, they'll let the heat out. See more here.

6) There is much, much more about Ian that you could (or should) know, but that is a matter awaiting deliberation. I'll add it later. If not, ask me, either in person, or by email.

7) Ian's middle name is James.

8) Ian wears odd socks. It saves time. Says Ian, ''I can still remember all those Sunday afternoons, when my Mum would spend hours sitting sorting socks. As she would organize red-with-stripe, blue, green-with-two-stripes for hours on end, I thought 'I can help!' and decided there and then not to wear odd socks. True story.''

9) Ian loves trivia. Be it naming every country on earth, listing the British and French colonies, the moons of Mars, the scientific name of the giant squid, the Norse cosmogony, Aesop's fables, Simpsons' quotes, merits of Sean Connery against Roger Moore, best decade of the Twentieth Century, American states and their capitals, scientists and their contribution to humankind...

10) Ian writes too much about himself. And talks too much about himself. And thinks too much about himself.

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Oh well, blinding honesty is creeping in. At times like this, let us stop.

Fare thee well,

Ian

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Page design and text (C) Ian Kidd Sept 2002