Inner City Diary
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Sad, sorry words of 'Anne'
July 28, 2002
I thumbed through the pages of the notebook, found in the rubble of a building we're renovating. I was shaken by the words and thoughts of a nameless girl who has obviously spent some time working the streets in our neighbourhood. 

Here are a few excerpts from her journal, most of which was written during a brief stay last year in jail.

July 22Ö

ÖIím in the same cell I had in 1990 and my name is still everywhere I wrote it. I guess itís true that when you write your name in a jail cell, you come back to see it. Thatís f------ up eh? Itís almost lights outÖ

July 26Ö

ÖLast night I prayed for the first time. I donít know what it was that made me do it but I did it. I found myself thinking and wondering if God was real and I was upset and feeling very alone. All of a sudden I think about God like he just pops in my head Ė just like that. So I pray and confess and ask for help. Last night was the best sleep I had for a long timeÖ

July 27Ö

Traumatized (dedicated to Joe)

I miss the man who stabbed me
Violence was his prayer
When I said we were through
He grabbed me by the hair
I closed my eyes tight
Then got a smash to my face
I remember it all
The pain canít be erased
He hit me harder and harder
Not bothering to hear me cry
Then he pulled out the screwdriver
And let the f----- fly
It hit me right in the head
And blood was everywhere
I heard him say heís sorry
But I donít f----- care
From now on Iím gonna be smart
Because Iím traumatized
But more than that he broke my heart
Starting with the lies.

August 3Ö

Hey Journal, itís Friday. I hope I get a visit. Anyways, my blood is just rushing and my heart is pounding cuz June got me all pumped by talking about crack and money and the hood. Thinking about crack always just makes me think about Joe. F---, we were a good couple. Me and June are gonna tag team on the out. Weíre both good thieves and if we put our heads together itís gonna work. F---, I canít wait to have a hoot. Anyway, I donít wanna write about this, it gets me too over-excited.

August 7Ö

I got lots on my mind right now. First off, another girl tells me that Joe is f---ing and pimping and beating Sandy on a daily basis. Well IímÖ IímÖ I donít know what I am right now. So many mixed emotions running through me. Itís like why did he tell me he loved me? Why did he fill my head with such garbage? Why did I let him? He used me and pimped me the same as he did to all those other girls. Oh my god. I let it happen again. I swore I wouldnít.

Joe, I f------ hate you for hurting me and breaking what was left of my pathetic, busted, ripped up heart. F--- you. I hate myself for letting it happen. I hate myself for falling for you, you f----- pimp. I thought we really had something. I really did. Iím glad I never got pregnant. Iím glad I donít have to be tied to you for life. You probably wouldnít stick around anyway. F--- you.

You never deserved my honesty and love. You never deserved to touch me in any way.

I feel so dirty. I feel like Iíve been raped. Iím so used. Why do they use me and abuse me like that? I have a heart. A kind heart and feelings. Iím a good person. God, Iím tired of being hurt. Iím tiredÖ

I want to sleep and never wake up againÖ

October 21 (after release from jail)Ö

Iíve been changing my habits little by little. But Iím still a crack hoe. A year ago today I had a clean furnished apartment with food in the cupboards. I would watch TV and life was what I thought was normal. This last year has changed my life forever. I want to go put pajamas on and watch TV and go to sleep. But I need cash and that means Iíve got to go break Ė get beer and food and crack.

Back on the streets, life goes on. At least I hope her life goes on Ė and changes.

Judges, crowns and defense attorneys shuffle paper and play with words. Instead of using the law to send her for treatment or to a safer place, they gave her 20 days in jail and told themselves their job was done.

Horny ďJohnsĒ continue to tell themselves that theyíre doing no harm.

Pimps like Joe strut our streets, and their eventual hell will be compounded by the temporal hell they have brought to others on our streets.

ďAnneĒ Ė I hope you make it home okay!
Copyright 2002
Rev. Harry Lehotsky
Rev. Harry Lehotsky is Director of New Life Ministries, a community ministry in the inner-city of Winnipeg, Manitoba.
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(204) 775-4929

lehotsky@escape.ca