1. Jesus is coming, everyone look busy
2. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory
6. The more you complain, the longer God lets you live
7. If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished
8. Telepath wanted : you know where to apply
9. ATO/IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got
10. I'm just driving this way to annoy you
11. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs
13. Out of my mind - Back in five minutes
14. Keep honking, I'm reloading
15. Hang up and drive
16. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot
17. Lord save me from your followers
18. Guns don't kill people, postal workers do
19. I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen
20. The gene pool could use a little chlorine
21. It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you
22. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat ?
23. Forget about World Peace ... Visualize on Using Your Turn Signal
24. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot
25. He who laughs last, thinks slowest
26. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math
27. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy
28. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
29. Be nice to your kids, They'll be choosing your nursing home