Standing at the edge of a sparkling spring, set in Black Hills, there is a calmness around. A light breeze blowing through the trees, Birds sing their love songs, and the cute furry animals run about playing. I look up to the sky with eyes closed, as I take in a long slow deep breath for the mountain air. I smile as I feel the hot sun warm my face, and release my tensions. I can see him now, the man of my dreams, the one who can take all my fears away. A man who is strong, confident, gallant and noble, yet so tender and passionate. My knight in shinning armor! From the time I was a little girl I dreamed of a man, who would come and sweep me off my feet, carry me away from my horrible life, and to a place where I would be treated as a queen. Where I was the most important person in his life, he would take care of me forever. Where I would have everything, I could ever want. He is the man of fairy tales, the one that all little girls dream of.

As the wind cools and hardens, I wrap my arms about myself. My thoughts drift to the present, instead for a little girls fantasies. Now almost at the age of 30 I look at my life. The love that I have had and how I have lived. My childhood was a painful and hard, not how I would want my own children to live. I thought I had protected myself from a world that hurts  so much, but instead I ran and hid from it, marring a man that I really did not know only to get away from everything. I thought it was a way out, I thought that I could be happy if I pretended. All I managed to do was make things worse. I was trapped in a loveless marriage; to a man, I came to hate, and in return hating myself. So I did the only thing I could do I left.

Though it was hard to leave the safety and dependence of that life, I managed to go on, but only with the help of a special person. This new man was some thing different, yet still something of the same to what I was use to. He came into my life and like a summer storm, knocking me off my feet. He was so mysterious, so passionate, so sure of him self and where he was headed. I tried not to care for him, to not fall in love. I knew that I did not need love again, at least not yet. He was so amazing, everything he did dazzled me. Soon I realized that I had fallen for him, harder then anyone could every fall. Things were so wonderful, I was happy, and so was he. As time went on, the more things went wrong. It was not just him, it was me as well. We began a cycle of fights, and lies. So, I then began to tell myself that he was not what I though he was, that the heat, and passion that I felt for him, was only of the flesh not of the heart. Oh how my flesh burned with fire every time we were together, when we made love it was 
nothing I could ever share with anyone else. My desires ran so deep, that I would ache without him.

Somewhere something really went wrong. He told me that we were possible not meant to be together. At that moment, my heart broke in to thousands of tiny pieces. My world was lost, life was not worth anything, I was nothing. At that same moment, I realize that I had become something I had for 3 years fought so hard to not be. Angry, angry with him, for my past, for everything that had happened to me in my life. I have been so us to  conflict and fighting, that I was so blind that I was destroy something so very precious to me. The only thing I have ever known, and so comfortable  with was the very thing condemning me, hate. My anger and hate, my need to show that I had control, that I was independent, has taken the very thing I desire and need in my life.

Suddenly a new warmth seeps into my body, love. For the first time in my  life, I can say that I really do know what it is like to love some one. I have found my knight in shinning armor, although he has not come to me in the form I thought he would. Yes, he makes me ache, but not just of the flesh, but from the heart as well. To know that he loves me, only makes me complete. There is only one problem, can he accept that I have learned how I have hurt him, and my self as well. Is there hope to fix what I have done. They say life goes on, but true love only comes once in a lifetime. Is there time left to tell him, that I know I was wrong, no matter how much I knew I was in the right at the time. I may have been right, but I did it all wrong. Can he see that even with the past, the fights, and the problems of the past, that we cannot give but on this love. Can he let me show him how much I need him in my life. Can he give me a chance to show him, that I can make things rights, that he is my knight in shinning armor; he is the 
man of my dreams. Is he willing to let me back in, never to hurt him again, and he me. Hope is all I have left. I want more than anything to keep this love that I hold in my heart, in my life forever. I was never use to having to talk to some one, but I know I have to. I have to put my heart on the line, no matter what the cost of doing it is. Remember a love like this comes only once in a lifetime. This is my lifetime and he is my love, so I have to hold on with everything I have, dig deep into my soul, and be who I really am, allow myself to let go of all the pain, from the past. After all, it was not his fault! If he can see that, I know this now, then maybe he can do the same, share that pain with me, and let it go. Love is a wonderful thing, and can heal with wonders, if only you give your self that chance!

Amber Dawn

08-06-01