I sit here in the dark, surrounded by the night.  Thinking of the love I have found. Wanting to shout the love I hold in my heart and mind from the highest mountain top. I want the world to know the wonder of his love, and the kindness of his heart, but I cannot.  No one can know that he holds my heart in the palm of his hands.  But can he hold the weight of the pain and sorrows of my life on his shoulders.

            He is heroically brave for wanting me in his life, but how can I not wonder having me in his life could ever be good for him.  He deserves more out of life then what will become of it having me there.  All I will cause is pain and hardship.  I know I should tell him to forget me, but I love him so much.  I need him.  He asks me why I love him, it is easy to say why, he loves me for who I am and what I am and nothing more.  He gives me a reason to live through my darkest times, no matter how hard it is for me to go on.  I know he will be here for me.  Do I dare tell him I want more?  I want him forever, or should I go now before I scare him away, will the complexity of my life hold us back?

            How do I tell him my fears, if I do tell him, will it be too much for him to handle.  He has a whole life ahead of him, he could do so much better for himself, but, with me, all those things may never happen.  Everyone I have ever cared about has lost so much in life because of me in their life.  So do I dare love this man and allow the same thing to happen to him, even though he seems to be my soul mate?  Do I love him always as I do now, knowing I could destroy his life, just by being in it?

I do not know what hurts more, knowing I could destroy his life with my love or not having his love in my life.  H e makes me feel things I have never felt before.  He makes me feel beautiful and loved.  The love we share makes me stronger then I could have thought I could be.  Having him hold me in his arms makes me feel safe from the world.  I think about him even at night when I am asleep he is in my dreams.

            I could never, nor will ever love another man again.  If he chooses to leave me, I could understand, I love him enough to let him got, to seek happiness, if I were not the happiness.  Yes it would hurt me, but his happiness means more to me than anything in the world.  My dreams for him are bigger than my own. I do not now if I believe in dreams anymore.  I have learned in my life that I am here to help others dreams come true instead of my own.  No Matter what the cost to me, I will make sure that his dreams come true.

Amber Dawn

3-8-98