I sit mounted upon a flawless white palfrey in a meadow at the foot of the Black Hills.  The western sun is hidden by the snowy peaks, that is set aflame with the fiery gold's, and lustering pinks of the sunset.  This is the one place he could find peace in his life, a place he could feel as one with the world, and where he could be understood.  This was the place he had so many times told me about, told me he wanted to bring me, to experience the world in it's splendor.  Also a place I had taken for granted, not completely, but still not totally wanting to appreciate something he loved so much.  Something he wanted to share with me, I never took much of and interest in.  The wind blow hard and cold, showing me that I had yet to completely open myself to him, unwilling to share a part of his life that he so dearly cherished.   I only saw the here and now of what I wanted.  I was blinded by sharing my life, my love for him and what I wanted that I took his life for granted.  I could only think of what I wanted that I wanted him in my life with me forever, I could not see what he wanted, that he also wanted to share his with me.

                Slowly I urge my palfrey onward.   I am compelled to seek what it is within these glorious hills, that he found contentment in.   Soft flakes of snow begin to fall as I enter the trail into the hills. and think to my self could it just be the beauty of this place that he found his solitude.  Why could it not be me, why was it so hard for him to find the same things with me as he had here? How was it I was unable to bring him the joy of life and love that he brought to me?  So many questions, are unanswered, and I don't know where to begin searching for these answers.  How can I know what was missing between us, why is this so hard for me to expect?

                Though I have never been here, I can some how feel a closeness to him.   Being with him was the most important thing to me.  I loved him with mind body and soul, unlike I could love anyone in my life.  He was so different, yet still the same as the others.  From the moment I remember seeing him to the day he was gone, and still to this day my love grows more and more for this one man that  touched my soul.  He made me feel as though I had wings that I was the most precious thing upon the earth, yet all the pain and hurt still hides inside me.  I can still see the secrets in eyes, the lies that I knew he told, yet could not prove.  Could I have loved him to much, but I only know one way to love, with everything I have inside.  Is my mistrust of men caused my own grief?  Did he finally do the things I feared only because of those fears?  WHY?  Suddenly I realized my thoughts came out as words, as I heard my voice echoing.   A long cold shiver ran down my spine as I pulled the horse to a stop.   Tears swelled up in my eyes at know I could have caused my own pain, losing what mint most to me in life was possibly my fault.

                Now I only have the love I carry in my heart, and the memories of the time we did have.  I lost the love I so cherished, the love I so craved.  The man I so needed in my life is gone, and there was on way I can have him back.   There now only what could have been.  So as I ride through the cold night, I take my thoughts the only thing I have left and the one thing that I shall carry with me to my grave, along with the guilt that could have done this all to us.  I pushed him to hard, to far, and I pushed him away!  Love is the hardest thing to give yet still harder to take back. Life is not worth a single penny without his love!!

Written By: Amber Dawn

5-28-01

Inspired By: Jason Field