A Clever Parody by Tea!
A/N: Most parodies portray the Fellowship members as bisexual/gay. This is no exception. 9 guys...testosterone-loaded...Come on! There's gotta be a bit of fun.
The One Ring
Frodo Baggins, an adorable Hobbit
Sam Gamgee, Frodo¡¦s bisexual servant
Merry Brandybuck, backup adorable Hobbit
Pippin Took, ditto
Strider/Aragon, the Ranger/King
Legolas Greenleaf, Elven prince of Mirkwood
Gimli, biased Dwarf cousin of a king
Gandalf the Grey, the good Wizard
Boromir, Gondorian twerp (a.k.a. steward)
Galadriel, Lorien¡¦s Elven Queen
Celeborn, her husband
Elrond, their son
Arwen, their granddaughter
Saruman, the bad wannabe Wizard
Bilbo Baggins, Ringbearer¡¦s uncle
Sauron, that evil dude
Balrog, tenant of Moria
...and the usual extra gits along for the ride in the credits
Audience Members
me, Clever Parody Girl
Legolas Lovers
Aragorn Aficiandas
Frodo Fangirls
Movie Critic in Disguise...and more!
Essential Vocab
Galadriel = God
Sauron = Satan
Lorien = Heaven
Mordor = Hell
Galadriel (v.o.): The world is changed. I feel it in the water. I feel it in the earth. I smell it in the air¡Koh, no, that¡¦s Celeborn again. Unfortunately, millennia age does not work well with some Elves.
Galadriel returns to voice over.
¡KMuch that once was is lost, for none now wish to tell it, for the sake of Peter Jackson¡¦s other movie ¡V which involves no slapstick or crude humor. It began with the forging of the great Rings of power. Three were given to the Elves, because Sauron thought he could get on our wise, fair side ¡V ha! Seven were given to the Dwarf lords in repayment for lending him the gold to make them. And nine, nine were gifted to the race of Men, because Sauron desired each of their princesses. [blather blather blather] Okay, this movie is like two hours, so let¡¦s just cut to Gollum, shall we?
Gollum in a dank cave in the Misty Mountains, with the Ring.
Gollum: I had such a great night last time I put you on. You are my precious¡K
Ring: Oh, crap.
Gollum: It came to me, my own, my love, my precious¡K
Ring: Uh, I¡¦m flattered, but you¡¦re not my type. I, uh, have a girlfriend, you see...
Galadriel: The ring gave to Gollum unnatural long life, all because Gollum didn¡¦t particularly turn it on. For five hundred years in the gloom of Gollum¡¦s cave it waited until it managed to escape. But then something happened that the Ring did not intend.
Another part of the Mountains.
Ring: Freedom! I¡¦m so tired; I think I¡¦ll just take a nap...Uh-oh.
A shadow looms over the Ring, and the fingers of Bilbo Baggins pick it up.
Bilbo: A ring! Well, because of my long loneliness I will take it with me for amusement.
Ring: Oh, crap.
Gollum: Lost! My precious is lost!
Ring: I was wondering when that rock decoy was going to wear out.
Galadriel: Okay, so the Ring got away from its unrequited lover and into the hands of a Hobbit. This darkness sucks for my pale skin, so let¡¦s go to the sunny Shire!
Shire¡X60 years later. Frodo Baggins is sitting under a tree reading a book, while Gandalf approaches in the distance.
Frodo: And then, Prince Charming whisked Cinderella off to his palace to live happily ever after. The End.
He sighs wistfully and hears Gandalf singing. He leaps up, fixes his hair, and runs to meet him.
Audience: Hahahahahah! Look at that tiny little thing!
Frodo: You¡¦re late!
Gandalf: For what? You don¡¦t think I¡¦d miss your Uncle Bilbo¡¦s birthday, did you?
Frodo: Er, no. I just had nothing better to say.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early. He always arrives precisely on time. [blather blather blather]
Frodo does an amazing four-centimeter jump straight into Gandalf¡¦s outstretched arms.
Frodo: It is wonderful to see you again, Gandalf! [slyly] And¡Kyour pipe weed.
Gandalf: All in good time, my lad.
Frodo: Well, since I¡¦m not high yet, I¡¦ll be inquisitive. What¡¦s new in the world? Tell me everything!
Gandalf: Haven¡¦t we grown curious? Most unnatural for Hobbits like yourself, who have no business being anything but adorable. If you¡¦re not careful someone from Rohan will want to shag you.
Frodo: Celibacy until the end of the trilogy.
Gandalf: Oh, I am getting ahead of myself now.
Audience: [bewildered] So, is Frodo a priest until the end of the Third Age?
Gandalf: Ah, the long-expected party. I understand it will be magnificent.
Frodo: He¡¦s got the whole place in an uproar.
Gandalf: [not really paying attention] Indeed?
Frodo: He¡¦s up to something.
Gandalf: [looking jolly] Ah, so he is inviting those frisky old Dwarves?
Frodo: [looking scared] Ah, no...Oh, well, here¡¦s my stop. Gotta go!
Frodo leaps out of the cart and into the road. He falls in a ditch that is much bigger than he planned. A squat Hobbit woman passes by with a basket of vegetables.
Hobbit Woman: Stoned 50-year-olds!
Gandalf, meanwhile, absentmindedly drives his cart straight up to Bag End. Along the way he disappoints a few Hobbit children expecting fireworks, but instead ending up with a copy of Playwizard. We all know the hassling scene when he tries to get into Bag End, so let¡¦s skip ahead, shall we?
Gandalf: So, inviting the Dwarves?
Bilbo: Ah yes, our old ¡§friends.¡¨ [winks at Gandalf] I was reluctant to invite that fat ass Bombur, but he was most insistent. I rather fancied Thorin while he was alive, though.
Gandalf: I had quite a thing for Fili and Kili, nice young ones. We were all having a shag in the cave, didn¡¦t you know?
Bilbo looks bewildered, disappointed, and disgusted. He slowly backs away to the fire.
Bilbo: No...Oh, I¡¦m going away for a lark at Elrond¡¦s basement.
Gandalf: Frodo suspects something?
Bilbo: Of course! He¡¦s a Baggins, not some stoned 50-year-old Hobbit lying in a ditch somewhere!
Cut to Frodo lying in a ditch. He inhales some of the green leaves his face was smashed into.
Frodo: Old Toby...Oh yeah...Good shit...
Night in the Shire. The Long-Expected Party of Bilbo¡¦s is being held in the big bit of land near Bag End. Frodo and Rosie ¡V the two people of Sam¡¦s dreams ¡V are dancing together. Sam peers at them from over his shoulder, holding a mug of beer.
Sam: Rosie, Rosie, how I love thee. Frodo, Frodo, how I love thee. Rosie and Frodo...Oh yeah...
Frodo: So Rosie, now that I am no longer high, how are you?
Rosie: Lovely! This dance is lovely! You are a lovely little Hobbit, Frodo Baggins!
Frodo: All right, ¡¥bye!
He hops on over to Sam in an attractively perky way, which makes Sam even shyer.
Frodo: Go on Sam, ask Rosie for a dance! She¡¦s too horny for me anyhow.
Sam: Oh, you and your damned celibacy! I¡¦ll go have another ale.
Frodo: Oh no you don¡¦t!
He pushes Sam over to Rosie, who grabs him and pulls him into the dance.
Sam: Hello, Rosie.
Rosie: Sam! You¡¦re so lovely!
Sam: [winking] Well, I do think I¡¦m leaning toward being a hetero!
Meanwhile, Bilbo is talking to the Hobbit children.
Bilbo: And then, when not only was my life but my breeches in danger of being soiled...Poof! Gandalf appeared and¡X
Hobbit Children: [snore]
Gandalf: Come on, Hobbit children! To make up for our Playwizard episode this afternoon, let¡¦s have a lark with butterfly fireworks!
Hobbit Children: zzz¡KWheeeee!!!
Bilbo sulks.
Merry and Pippin sneak into Gandalf¡¦s cart to steal some fireworks. Pippin grabs one and leaps back out again. Merry nonchalantly eats an apple, for Galadriel knows why; they run into a tent filled with ears of corn.
Pippin: Merry, the fuse is lit!
Merry: So stick in the ground outside!
Pippin: Seeing as how I¡¦m not quite so bright, you could have told me that before!
They fall to arguing, until the firework explodes into the air, taking baskets of corn and the tent top with it. Merry and Pippin are spread eagled on the ground with sooty faces full of shock.
Pippin: What the bloody Mordor was that?!
The firework becomes a colorful dragon which swoops back. There is general panic as popcorn falls to the ground and the dragon evaporates in a blast. Millions of curly-haired Hobbits scream in terror as the popcorn hits them.
Bilbo: It burns, it burns!
Merry and Pippin are pleased with themselves, until Gandalf grabs them by the ears. A moment later they are washing dishes and giving him back rubs.
Gandalf: Oh yeah...I haven¡¦t had a back rub this good since Fili ¡V and he did more than just back rubs.
Merry and Pippin back away in terror and retreat to the dishwashing corner. Gandalf shrugs his shoulders and takes a whiff of pipe weed. He looks up to see Bilbo making a speech.
Audience: Speech!
Bilbo: Like, I was doing that, okay? Galadriel, if this isn¡¦t the most harrowing birthday ever... Anyway, I¡¦ve been living among you swot-asses for one hundred and eleven years and I can¡¦t cope anymore. Goodbye!
He slips on the Ring and vanishes.
Ring: Swot-asses? What the bloody Mordor -
Bilbo: Shut it, swot-ass.
Ring: Ooh girl, you betta watch yo mouth cause I ain¡¦t got no ass.
Bilbo: Then just shut it, you.
Ring: You can¡¦t tell me to shut it! I¡¦m the Ring of Power that decides the fate of you Middle-Earth freaks! I can talk whenever I damn well feel like ¡V
Bilbo takes off the ring and materializes back in Bag End. The Ring, meanwhile, begins to sulk over this sudden interruption. Bilbo flips the Ring like a coin ¡V much to its annoyance ¡V and jumps to see Gandalf standing by the mantle.
Gandalf: I suppose you thought that was terribly clever.
Bilbo: Hey, could you have thought of anything better than swot-asses at a time like that?
Gandalf: As a matter of fact ¡V
Bilbo: Shut it, swot-ass.
Gandalf: There¡¦s no need to get angry.
Bilbo: Well if I¡¦m angry it¡¦s your fault!
Ring: Oh sure, blame the only all-powerful friend you¡¦ve got. Who¡¦s a swot-ass now?
Gandalf: Oh my Galadriel ¡V a talking ring!
Audience: For an all-knowing wizard, he should have known that from the beginning.
Movie Critic In Disguise: Stupid wizard ¡V Harry Potter major Oscar contender.
Ring: You degrading idiot! I¡¦m not just a ring, I¡¦m the One Ring of Power! Muuuaahhahahaha!
Movie Critic In Disguise: Chatterbox Ring ¡V A Beautiful Mind major Oscar contender.
Gandalf: I think you¡¦ve had this Ring quite long enough ¡V considering that it is the One Ring and Sauron is looking for it so he can reclaim all the power on Middle-Earth and turn your homes into a wasteland!
Ring: Oh, bloody Mordor ¡V Sauron is looking for me? I told him I wanted my own freedom Ages ago. [wistfully] But does he still want me back in his Black Tower of Barad-Dur?
Gandalf: You¡¦re the only one he¡¦s ever known.
Ring: Muahhahahaha! Then if he wants me, I¡¦ll go to him! Enough of these one-Age stands! I am coming back to Sauron and I shall rule over all of Middle-Earth!
Gandalf: Er, what about Sauron?
Ring: I suppose he can be the queen.
Movie Critic In Disguise: A hidden love affair between Ring and Sauron...whaaaa? ¡V In The Bedroom major Oscar contender.
Bilbo: Hmm...Now that this Ring is so dangerous and the Dark Lord obviously wants it, I think I will take it on my journey to Rivendell hoping to get there unharmed.
Gandalf: Hmm...Now that Bilbo is going to take this dangerously powerful item of jewelry to Elrond, I think I want it instead of that swot-Elf. I think I will scare you into submission by giving Frodo the Ring. Muahhahaha!
Audience: Gandalf, an evil wizard? Is nothing sacred?
Movie Critic In Disguise: Evil wizard meant to be good ¡V LOTR definitely not a kid¡¦s movie now!
Bilbo: Ahhhh! Freaky shadows! Okay, okay, the Ring is Frodo¡¦s!
Ring: Galadrieldammit!
Bilbo: Sayonara, suckers! The road goes ever on and on, and I am going to Rivendell¡K
About an hour later...Frodo hurries back into Bag End and shuts the door quickly, as a slightly high Rosie and slightly drunk Sam lurch around looking for an empty hole.
Frodo: Hullo, Gandalf! I got away in the nick of time before Sam and Rosie invited me for a three way shag ¡V hullo! What¡¦s this?
He picks up the Ring.
Frodo: Oh, how ugly! Bilbo had such terrible taste that I¡¦m glad he¡¦s gone to stay with the Elves ¡V marvelous decorators, you know. Now, since I missed like 22 minutes of your odd conversation, fill me in and give me more screen time.
Gandalf: Hmm¡Klet me see this ring, Frodo.
Frodo holds out his hand distractedly while trying to search Gandalf¡¦s cloak for pipe weed.
Ring: Don¡¦t touch me, you crackpot old man! You¡¦ll never get me!
Gandalf: Oh, that¡¦s what you think.
Ring: I¡¦m not scary, I¡¦m not scary, I¡¦m not scary, blather blather blah blah!
Gandalf jerks his hand away in surprise, which attracts Frodo¡¦s attention.
Gandalf: Oh my Galadriel, that ring is evil! Because it is a Ring of Power made by Sauron it whispers Black Speech and always seeks the Nazgul! And it burns, burns like a hot tea kettle!
He produces an envelope from his pocket and drops the pipe weed in it absentmindedly on the floor. Frodo eagerly drops the ring inside and throws himself on the floor to pick up the weed for his pipe. Gandalf seals the envelope.
Ring: Oh this is bloody great now!
Gandalf: Put it somewhere out of sight.
Frodo throws it in a chest of maps and parchment as Gandalf picks up his belongings and heads for the door.
Frodo: Where are you going? You¡¦ve only just arrived! I don¡¦t understand.
Gandalf: Neither do I ¡V just keep it secret and safe.
Frodo: That¡¦s it? Oh, come on! What is it? I know that¡¦s not your business, it¡¦s just some swotty excuse ¡V
Gandalf: Er, I¡¦m going to visit some Dwarves...?
Frodo: Get out of here!
Outside, Gandalf shrugs and puts on his pointy hat. He never understands this Dwarf thing.
Gandalf rides on his really fast horse across Middle-Earth to see its freaky deaky towers. He can hear Gollum inside.
Gollum: Shire! Baggins! Oh yes, yes, my precious! Oh yes, I need you!
Audience: Uhhh!
The Nazgul hear Gollum and get really freaked. So they ride off at high speed out of the Black Gates of Mordor.
Ringwraith #4: Damn, that Gollum scares the dead shit out of me.
Ringwraith #5: What¡¦ll we tell Sauron?
Ringwraith #6: We¡¦re gonna tell? We never told that one time when we met those Orc women for a booze party.
Ringwraith #7: He¡¦s probably too busy trying on dresses to notice.
Ringwraith #8: He made me buy him mascara once from The Prancing Pony. What then?
Ringwraith #9: Galadriel knows why he needs mascara.
Ringwraith #3: He¡¦s got an eye, you swotty cloak boy.
Ringwraith #2: Hey, if anyone¡¦s a swotty cloak boy it¡¦s me, okay? I was a prince before this undead shite.
Ringwraith #1: Okay, shut up! From now on we tell Sauron that we were out looking for his ring which should be in the hands of someone named Shire Baggins, and whenever someone comes we make our nails-on-chalkboard noise, ok?
Ringwraiths: Yeah!
Gandalf has gone to Gondor on Shadowfax for the Middle-Earth version of Google research and then rides back to the Shire. We don¡¦t need to see the annoying flashbacks of flashbacks, now do we?
Gandalf: Frodo! Is it secret and safe?!
Frodo: No, it¡¦s gone.
Gandalf: What?! I needed that Ring! It was my life! My life!
Frodo: Oh, I meant the pipe weed. I¡¦ve been clean for a week now! The Ring is in the chest.
Gandalf: Now I shall throw it onto the fire!
Frodo: Oh, suit yourself.
Gandalf: Er, Frodo? You wouldn¡¦t mind forgetting about the Ring being my life, would you?
Frodo: No, no...Wait a second. Does this mean you want to use the power of the Ring to ¡V
Gandalf: My dear boy, did I ever tell you about the incident with the two wonderful Dwarves?
Frodo: It¡¦s forgotten.
Ring: Oh, thanks a lot, Gandalf! I thought someone had put me on for once ¡V but noooo! I¡¦m tossed in the fireplace!
Gandalf: Oh get used to it. You¡¦ll be swimming in molten lava when the Ringbearer¡¦s through with you.
Frodo: What¡¦s a Ringbearer?
Gandalf: Oh, never mind.
Frodo: No, tell me!
Gandalf: No, I cannot!
Frodo: Come onnnnn!
Gandalf: Shut up, you nancy boy!
Frodo: [slightly hurt] I am not a nancy boy!
Gandalf: Are!
Frodo: Am not! Goosssshhh!
Gandalf: Then hold out your hand while I put the Ring in your palm, in hopes it will burn you!
Frodo: Fine! I¡¦m a real man!
Gandalf: You may be one-fourth the size of a real man, but since I hate your silky smooth hands compared to my age-cracked ones, let¡¦s carry on!
Ring: I¡¦m freezing here! Just somebody wear me!
Frodo: Shut up, you ¡V Hey! It¡¦s not even hot!
Gandalf: Blast! Blast you and your perfect hands!
Frodo: Oh don¡¦t get in a huff, Gandalf. Just use Vaseline and Lubriderm and wear riding gloves.
Gandalf: But of course!
Audience: Vaseline...Lubriderm...and riding gloves. Ingenious!
Ring: Hello! Can anyone read the very unfashionable writing on my golden complexion?
Frodo: Oh my Galadriel...it¡¦s Elvish, but I can¡¦t read it!
Gandalf: The grasshopper can never outwit the tall wrinkly wizard with the pointy hat! It says all those blather blather about the One Ring ruling everyone and everything.
Ring: Dude, that¡¦s gnarly!
Gandalf: Uh...yeah...and if you think that¡¦s a lark, you¡¦ll love this: Sauron¡¦s life is bound to you and if he finds you he can take over Middle-Earth.
Ring: Yeah, yeah, that guy was a little too committed to his relationships. I already knew that since the beginning of the First Age. Get with the times, man!
Frodo: Hey, I need more talking time since I can¡¦t just hang around here being cute. So, let¡¦s hide this Ring and pretend it never existed.
Ring: Stupid idea!
Gandalf: I¡¦m with the Ring this time.
Frodo: But since no one knows it¡¦s here then it will be safe!
Ring: Hurrah for you, Frodo! Except...
Frodo: What?
Ring: Uh-oh, I think the Nazgul are in town looking for me.
Gandalf: The Nazgul!
Frodo: The who?
Gandalf: Shut up, swot-ass ¡V just wait until you meet Strider in Bree.
Frodo: Nazgul? Strider? Bree? No way am I leaving my house for anything!
Gandalf: Well, we wouldn¡¦t want an adorable Hobbit like yourself to get fat and pudgy, now do we? So just shut your hole and let us babble inanely.
Frodo: Wait...what¡¦ll I do?
Gandalf: Look adorable, Frodo.
Frodo: I¡¦m on it!
Gandalf: Anyway, Ring of Power, Gollum is looking for you and is experiencing mad lust in Barad-Dur. You¡¦ve got two of your former owners in the exact same place.
Ring: Galadrieldammit! Well, at least they weren¡¦t my old lovers in the same place. That¡¦s never good.
Gandalf: Never for me.
Frodo & Ring: Okay, okay, we get it!
Gandalf: Weren¡¦t you supposed to be looking adorable?
Frodo: Oh, it¡¦s a tiring bit. I¡¦ll join your conversation.
Gandalf: ...And so I suspect that the Nazgul are searching for Shire Baggins and the Ring he carries!
Frodo: Ahhhhh!!!!! Wait a second, my name is Frodo!
Ring: And how did you know about the Nazgul¡¦s plot?
Gandalf: I have very good hearing.
Ring: Can¡¦t beat that ¡V except for maybe Legolas.
Frodo: Leg o¡¦ lamb? Who¡¦s that?
Ring: Oops, I¡¦ve given away an elemental part of this movie. Well, at least he thinks that Elf Prince is just another meal for warrior Men.
Frodo: This is getting strange. Can you tell me what we¡¦re going to do now?
Gandalf: I don¡¦t know, do you think I have all the answers?
Audience: Yeah!!
Gandalf: Well, sorry to disappoint you!
Frodo: Oooohhh oooohhh ooohhh! I know ¡V to gain more screen time I will volunteer to keep the Ring out of the Nazgul¡¦s transparent hands.
Rustling in the bushes. Gandalf makes a big deal of rushing to the window and slamming Sam Gamgee onto the nearby desk.
Sam: Ow.
Gandalf: Okay, so without asking anyone else¡¦s opinion, Frodo and Sam will go to The Prancing Pony Inn in Bree where the Ring will be safe ¡V except if I don¡¦t get there soon enough.
Sam: Oh Galadriel, having another lark with the Dwarves again, eh, Mr. Gandalf?
Gandalf: Don¡¦t be idiotic Sam, they¡¦re both dead!
Sam is puzzled, then backs away in horror.
Sam: See you tomorrow, Mr. Frodo sir!
The next day. Gandalf leads Frodo and Sam through the woods. Uneventfulness ensues, so for Galadriel¡¦s sake we¡¦re going to just cut to the part where Gandalf rides to Isengard.
Saruman: Smoke rises from the mountain of Doom. The hour grows late and Gandalf the Grey rides to Isengard seeking my council. For that is why you have come, is it not, my old friend?
Gandalf: Saarrrruuummmmannnnn¡K
In the garden vales outside Isengard.
Saruman: You are sure of this?
Gandalf: Beyond any doubt.
Saruman: So...those damned Orc transvestites have more horrifyingly beautiful nails than I!
Gandalf: All those long years it was right under my long nose.
Saruman: And you had not the wit to see it. Your love for the Halflings¡¦ leaf has clearly slowed your mind.
Gandalf: Hey buddy, it¡¦s slowed your bloody mind as well! I remember all that weed you had during your little New Age Party!
Saruman: Forgive me for not recalling.
Gandalf: Now you will be saying that you wish to aid Sauron in finding the One Ring!
Saruman: [taking a puff on his pipe] No, of course not, old chap. I don¡¦t even smoke!
Gandalf: Oh, and Bilbo had the Ring for about fifty-eleven years. Got any more pipe weed?
Saruman: Naturally. Let¡¦s go inside before the Orcs recognize the scent.
A bit later, after climbing the eight million steps...
Saruman: And now that I¡¦m a bit high, let¡¦s ramble. I think Sauron has regained his former strength though he still is a great eye ¡V lidless, wreathed in flame.
Gandalf: Then what¡¦s with the mascara?
Sauron: Who knows? Maybe it is an evil thing, as we feared.
Gandalf: You know this? How?
Saruman: I have seen it in my Palantir. Better and cheaper than video games.
Gandalf: But...your DanceDance! Nooooo!
Saruman: Well, why should we fear to use the Palantir for forms of entertainment?
Gandalf: The lost seeing-stones are not all accounted for ¡V you may not know who else might be watching you for late-nite entertainment. Besides, just because Radagast the Brown Breakdancer beat you at DanceDance is no reason to get in a huff.
Saruman: Oh, look who¡¦s talking! But back to our ramble ¡V the Nine have left Minas Morgul!
Audience: We know.
Saruman: Whoops! But...did you know they crossed the river Isen on midsummer¡¦s eve?
Audience: Ooooh, no!
Saruman: Good!
Gandalf: They have reached¡Kwait, I don¡¦t know where they¡¦ve reached.
Saruman: But you know they will find the Ring and kill the one who carries it.
Gandalf: Frodo!
Saruman: He¡¦ll suffer greatly. Come on, let¡¦s go look in the Palantir.
Gandalf: Let¡¦s play DanceDance. I¡¦m sure you hid it in that pathetic little dungeon of yours.
Saruman: Oh yeah? Breakdancing on my buttered obsidian floor, with blood!
They do a little breakdancing, with blood.
Gandalf: You still suck as much as ever, Saruman.
Saruman: Yeah, but with dagger-like nails and a powerful staff, what¡¦s to lose? Let¡¦s go check out the Palantir, where I get The Sopranos.
Gandalf: Hold up ¡V The Sopranos?! Tell me, friend, when did Saruman the Wise abandon reason for madness?
Saruman: Do you think Sex in the City is reason? Just for that, you have to stay on the roof!
Back in the Shire, Sam emerges from a corn patch.
Sam: Erm, Mr. Frodo? Frodo!
Frodo emerges onto the path.
Frodo: What?! Sam, how dare you call me by my first name only?!
Sam: Oh...well...I thought I¡¦d lost you.
Frodo: Eh? I¡¦m still miffed about why you addressed me on first-name, no-title terms.
Sam: Oh, Gandalf and I agreed we wouldn¡¦t lose you. Or the Ring.
Frodo: Sam, we¡¦re still in the Shire. What could possibly happen to my good looks here?
Sam and Frodo are knocked over by Merry and Pippin.
Pippin: Oh, hullo cousin Frodo!
Merry: Oh, hullo! Here, take these vegetables and run like hell to that precipice over there.
They run like hell and fall over promptly.
Sam: Ow. Bloody Mordor, two smacks in two days! What¡¦s Middle-Earth coming to?
Pippin: Mushrooms!
Sam: Eh?
Frodo: Uh, I think we should get off the road.
A few feet away...
Ringwraith #1: Damn it, gnomes ahead!
Ringwraith #9: Oh, what would it hurt to pass by gnomes? Maybe they¡¦ll give us some fairy dust!
The other Ringwraiths giggle.
Ringwraith #1: Well, just turn on your Black Speech.
He shrieks like a harpy and rides forward.
Frodo: Eeeekkkk! I mean, dudes, get off the road; that¡¦s not cool.
They hide under the roots of a large tree while the Ringwraith leaps off his horse and sniffs.
Ringwraith #1: Oh, someone let out a wet one! Wait a second, it smells oddly enough like vegetables. So it is Hobbits we are looking for!
Ring: Hey, Frodo, you know you want to try me on ¡V even though I am a secret portal by which I can see Sauron and the Nazgul.
Frodo: No, shut up!
Ringwraith #1: Well, I guess I¡¦d better go. The boys have got beer.
Merry throws a bag of vegetables into the shrubbery.
Ringwraith #2: Yo, boss dude! We¡¦re gonna get drunk and stoned. Wanna come?
Ringwraith #1: No boys, fun¡¦s over. Some idiot made some noise and we¡¦re gonna have to get on it. We know the drill ¡V no weed or booze yet.
Ringwraiths: Awwww!
Nightfall. The Hobbits are running in fear, the Nine are riding in exasperation.
Ringwraith #1: Anything?
Ringwraith #8: Nothing!
Ringwraith #5: Aw, give it up. That Hobbit is looking for something or someone. Boss dude?
Suddenly, Frodo and his companions appear in the distance and head towards the Buckleberry Ferry.
Ringwraith #1: We have to leave this place. We must follow this Hobbit to see if Shire Baggins is anywhere around, and would he please hand over the Ring?
Three of the Ringwraiths reveal themselves, and the Hobbits run. Frodo gets separated from the others who arrive at the Ferry earlier.
Ringwraith #2¡¦s Horse: Galadrieldammit!
Movie Critic In Disguise: A talking horse ¡V Mr. Ed is more praiseworthy attempt at crude humor.
The Hobbits have untied the raft while Frodo makes an amazing leap that must be at least twice his height. The Ringwraith halts his horse abruptly.
Ringwraith #2: Damn it! Boss dude, he got away!
Ringwraith #1: Galadrieldammit! Now, would the eight of you turn away so I can curse in Orc speech?
Meanwhile, the Hobbits are transported to Bree in the middle of the pouring rain. A guard opens the Hobbit-level window to get a look at them.
Guard: Gnomes ¡V four of ¡¥em! Come in!
Frodo: We are headed for The ¡V
Guard: Galadrieldammit, does it look like I give a crap?
Frodo: Since you are so uncouth to an Oscar contender such as I, I shall sulk.
Guard: Very well, young sir, meant no offense by it. It¡¦s my job to ask questions after nightfall ¡V plus I am schizophrenic. Can¡¦t be too careful.
Frodo and Company arrive at the Prancing Pony, where they meet Barliman Butterbur. Gandalf, naturally, is not there. So they get some rooms and settle down at a table.
Sam: Frodo, that mysterious and rugged man in the corner has done nothing but stare at you and the part of me that likes you is beginning to feel jealous.
Frodo: Oh Sam, it¡¦s only because of my near-Elven good looks. No trouble at all!
Barliman: Well, since I happened to be eavesdropping under cover of a clueless innkeeper, that man is a Ranger named Strider. Don¡¦t know what his right name is.
Pippin: Well, isn¡¦t that convenient? A wonderful eavesdropping informer!
Frodo: Strider...
Ring: Baggins, Baggins...Put me on and give me some ale¡K
Frodo runs toward Pippin to fetch some ale from his pint, slips and falls. The Ring lands on his finger and he disappears.
Frodo: Gnarly!
Ring: Aw, damn it! I can¡¦t see nothing but those Galadrieldamn Black Riders. Take me off, take me off, take me off!
Frodo takes the Ring off and materializes underneath a table. Then a hand grabs him and shoves him up the stairs and into a room.
Frodo: Look, I know you¡¦re horny but I¡¦m not into guys. I mean, my looks have attracted Sam and you can see from that bloke ¡V
Strider: It¡¦s not just your looks that draw too much attention to yourself, Mr. Shire Baggins.
Frodo: Are you coming on to me?
Strider: I¡¦m a weather-beaten Ranger. I have the right to multitask at coming on to and saving a person.
Frodo: Doesn¡¦t that only work with princesses in fairy tales?
Strider: Sure, what the hey. By the way, are you frightened?
Frodo: Erm...no.
Strider: Whatever floats your boat...though you should be. I know what hunts you.
The other three Hobbits burst inside the room holding chairs and their fists up.
Sam: I¡¦ll have you, Longshanks!
Strider: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hee hee hee hee hah hah hah!
Anyhoo, the Nine come to Bree and attempt to break into the Hobbit rooms.
Ringwraith #1: Strider¡¦s in the next inn, so let¡¦s just stab these decoys with our swords to vent our anger over our aching crotches. Curse the horses! Then we make the harpy sound and settle down with booze and weed.
Ringwraiths: Yeah!
In the next inn...
Frodo: What are they?
Strider: They were once men, great kings themselves. But then Sauron the Cunningly Handsome Deceiver bribed them with rings in exchange for a one-Age stand with their princesses. And the rings did a two-in-one bit and got Sauron both followers and a few girls knocked up as well.
The party leaves Bree, taking the wilderness trails ¡V which are no trails at all.
Frodo: Where are you taking us?
Strider: Into the wild, where I can grow my beard nice and Gandalf-y long.
Merry: How do we know Strider is a friend of Gandalf¡¦s?
Frodo: I dunno. For all we know he¡¦s taking us to his cave to slaughter and cook us.
Strider: Hmm...intriguing...
Sam: Where is he taking us?
Strider: To Rivendell, the home of Elrond and his famed basement.
Sam: Did you hear that? Rivendell! We¡¦re going to see the Elves!
Audience: Duh! He just said that!
In Isengard, Saruman is using the Palantir for his own entertainment.
Saruman: Damn, WWF cut-off again! Well, maybe I¡¦ll go check out Good Darkness, Mordor!
He peers closer into the Palantir, where a great lidless eye wreathed in flame appears.
Saruman: Hey, it¡¦s the host Sauron.
Sauron: Hello, you are on Good Darkness, Mordor¡¦s fan chat.
Saruman: Erm...I love your show! I mean, oh my Galadriel. [hyperventilates] Like, the power of Isengard is totally at your command, Sauron, Lord of the Earth!
Sauron: I¡¦m Lord of the Ring, Galadrieldammit! You¡¦ve pissed me off so much I¡¦ll go have a cry by myself. ¡¥Bye.
There is a click as Sauron hangs up the phone ¡V and if you¡¦re wondering how an eye can talk, well, don¡¦t ask me! ¡V and Saruman berates himself for messing up the fan chat. He goes to sulk and sit in his study uncomfortably. At that moment, some nasty Orcs choose to walk in.
Orc: What news from Good Darkness, Mordor, my lord? What does the Great Eye command?
Saruman: Hmm...I¡¦m still a little stoned. (Is that a pink elephant on a paisley ottoman?) Well, since these Orcs think that Sauron is the all-mighty, I¡¦ll just have them do some of my dirty work by killing nature. Hee hee, won¡¦t that be a lark?
Orc: Well?
Saruman: We have work to do.
Below, the Orcs are pulling down trees. Gandalf watching them from atop the tower, wondering how he can convince Saruman to let him down to do some DanceDance. Down below, however...
Orc: The trees are strong, my lord. Their roots grow deep.
Saruman: Rip them all down ¡V I¡¦m feeling particularly vengeful.
Meanwhile, Frodo and Company cross through harsh lands. They come to Weathertop ¡V a.k.a. a crumbling old stone tower. Strider looks at it with reverence.
Frodo: What the Mordor is this place?
Strider: This was once the great watchtower used for kings, now transformed into an abandoned Amon Sul 6. We will rest here tonight.
Pippin: Hope they have cable.
In a crevice, Strider passes out four swords to each of the Hobbits.
Strider: These are for you. Keep them close. I¡¦m going to have a look around. Stay here. Don¡¦t kill yourself.
Pippin: Galadriel ¡V no cable!
Merry: Well, at least they have Mad TV. Is it Lithe yet?
Pippin: No.
Merry: Damn it!
That night, Frodo awakes to the sounds of voices. The others have started a fire and are cooking over it.
Frodo: What are you doing?
Merry: Sausage, tomatoes, and nice crispy bacon!
Audience Members With Nasty Minds: They¡¦re doing sausages, tomatoes, and bacon? Aeehhh!
Clever Parody Girl: [chuckling] Only me.
Sam: We saved some for you, Mr. Frodo.
Frodo: Firelight hinders my complexion ¡V and you¡¦ve attracted the Nine! Put it out, you fools, put it out!
Frodo stamps it out himself. Funny how he could be obsessive over his complexion and not care whether or not the hair on his toes gets singed. But I wrote this shite anyway.
Pippin: Well, that¡¦s nice. Anyone for an uprising against last Lithe¡¦s Mr. Shire?
The Nine approach through the fog.
Merry: Maybe a bit later.
Frodo: Eeeeekkkk! Go!
They pull out their swords and hurry up to the top of the tower. Down below, the Nine are grumbling.
Ringwraith #1: No booze, no weed. And there¡¦s movement up ahead in the Amon Sul 6. Who votes for a stay at the top?
Ringwraith #5: I once had a shag there with my former queen.
Ringwraith #4: Ah, poor dead thing. Well, at least we¡¦re immortal unless the Ring is destroyed.
Ringwraith #8: Here¡¦s to immortality! Since I¡¦m so angry, let¡¦s kill anyone who happens to be up there.
Ringwraith #7: It is our secret shag spot, after all.
Ringwraith #9: We had a secret shag spot? Galadrieldammit! How come no one told me?
Ringwraith #5: ¡¥Cause you¡¦re a swotty cloak boy.
Ringwraith #2: [feeling hurt] Heeeeyyyy! I¡¦m the swotty cloak boy, remember?
Ringwraith #1: Okay, sure. Five of us will check and do our business. Who has to go?
Five Ringwraiths raise their...er...cloak sleeves. He nods at them as they hold wherever their crotch should be, hopping up and down.
Ringwraith #1: Okay, boys. Go on up.
The Hobbits form a circle in the center, then turn to hear heavy footsteps resounding behind them. From the crumbling archways the five Ringwraiths approach the Hobbits.
Ringwraith #3: Galadrieldammit, gnomes!
Ringwraith #5: Looks like the secret¡¦s out about our secret shag spot.
Ringwraith #6: Galadriel, number five, you say it like you wanna see a gnome shag.
Ringwraith #9: Hey, I¡¦d wanna see that! I wonder how they get it on¡K
Ringwraith #8: Would you four hurry up? I have to do my business and I¡¦d prefer it if gnomes weren¡¦t watching me.
Ringwraith #9: Oooh, they have pointy swords.
Ringwraith #5: Oh, so is that how it¡¦s going? Can¡¦t anyone take a dump without someone being hostile?
Ringwraith #3: Aeh, number five, you need to take a dump? I knew I smelled something back on the road.
Ringwraith #8: Okay, shut up! Just draw your swords and tell them we mean business.
Ringwraith #5: Yeah, poopy business.
They draw their swords and angle them towards the tiny Hobbits. Sam lunges forward.
Sam: Back, you devils!
Ringwraith #9: Aaaahhhh! The gnome is attacking! Aaaaah!
However, to the Hobbits this just sounds like shrieking harpy noises. Exasperated, Ringwraith #8 does a swift sword move and knocks Sam aside. Merry and Pippin squeeze together in front of Frodo, but he pushes them aside, too.
Frodo: Ahhhh! My good looks are not saving me now!
He drops his sword, backs away, and falls down. Ringwraith #8 closes in on him with the others in tow, hastily looking for a private corner to do their business. Ringwraith #8 leans toward Frodo just as he puts on the Ring ¡V and he is suddenly visible to them.
Audience: What ¡V an ¡V idiot.
Movie Critic In Disguise: Audience observation ¡V using references to Harry Potter & the Sorcerer¡¦s Stone.
Frodo: Ahhh! Ghosts!
Ringwraith #8: Oh, now I¡¦m hurt ¡V and suddenly enraged. I¡¦ll lean toward you invitingly.
Frodo: Noooo!
Ringwraith #8: Little nancy boy! Here, I¡¦ll stab you in rage so you can be one of the girly Nazgul. Sayonara while I kill your gnome friends!
He stabs Frodo in the shoulder, and Frodo screams like hell (er, Mordor). Frodo takes the Ring off and reappears, screaming in an unsettling way. Sam rushes to his side as Strider reappears with a flaming stick, slashing with his sword and setting fire to the Nazgul.
Ringwraith #9: Strider! Eeeeekkkk!
Strider: Eat fire, assholes!
Sam: Frodo!
Frodo: Oh, Sam. I could kiss you, and you can misinterpret my affectionately adorable tone.
Ringwraith #8: Wussies! Run back to boss dude! I shall stand my ground here ¡V aahhh!
Strider: Hope you enjoyed your full-on meal! Hope it burns your throat!
Audience: Go, Strider!
Movie Critic In Disguise: That comeback makes no sense.
Sam: Strider! Help him!
Frodo: Aahhh aaaah aaaccckkkk!
Strider picks up the sword, but the blades dissolves into dust and he throws it down in disgust.
Strider: He¡¦s been stabbed with a Morgul blade. This is beyond my skill to heal. He needs Elvish medicine in Elrond¡¦s basement.
Pippin: I thought we were already going to Rivendell.
Strider: Oh, shut up. All the more reason to make haste in our new workout! From now on, we all speed walk and jog. Break!
He throws Frodo over his shoulder and strides off. (Strider is striding.)
Strider: Hang on, Frodo.
Sam: It¡¦s six days to Rivendell! He¡¦ll never make it!
Frodo: Gandalf!
Well, what did you think?! If you¡¦re already enthralled by it then there is no need for me to tempt you with shirtless Legolas. LoL. >>
What will happen to Frodo & his first fatal wound? Will Merry & Pippin lead an uprising because of the new exercise program? Will the Wraiths finally get some free time to have a booze party? And most importantly, will Gandalf bitch-slap Saruman and play DanceDance in the dungeon? More answers to these pointless questions in the next installment.
(p.s. >> Oy. Transcribing is a true bitch. The things I do for you people...XOXO anyway.)
Frodo: Gandalf!
What will happen to Frodo & his first fatal wound? Will Merry & Pippin lead an uprising because of the new exercise program? Will the Wraiths finally get some free time to have a booze party? And most importantly, will Gandalf bitch-slap Saruman and play DanceDance in the dungeon? More answers to these pointless questions in the next installment.
Gandalf is still in Isengard, trying to find ways of amusing himself. But what can a person do when millions of Orcs are milling around oddly uprooting trees and doing Sauron¡¦s evil bidding? A moth suddenly flutters by expectantly, landing in Gandalf¡¦s hand.
Gandalf: Ack! What the Mordor?! Get off of me, you fat bug!
Moth: Damn, man, you¡¦re pissy. Oh well, even though I can¡¦t understand you, I shall still send Gwahir the Wind Lord to your aid.
Down below in the garden vales of Isengard, Saruman is overseeing his latest project, a la Harry Potter. He is breeding a new type of creature beneath the earth.
Saruman: Are they ready yet?
Orc: Yes, my lord, twice baked.
Saruman: Did you take the necessary cautions?
Orc: Yes, my lord.
Saruman: Splendid! Mmm...these cinnamon toffee cookies taste delicious! Now ¡V spectacles.
Orc: Here, my lord.
Saruman: Add a pinch of river water...Et voila ¡V eureka! I have done it! Muahahahaha!
Orc: Now what are you doing so high above, my lord?
Saruman: I¡¦m going to watch you Orcs get killed by my super-mutants. Sayonara, suckers!
Audience: God, how insensitive.
One of the Orcs tending to a mud pit starts pushing at the odd creature beneath. It claws through the...er...Saran wrap and strangles the Orc tending to it. Saruman smiles.
Saruman: Ah, much better than Summer of Sam on HBO.
New Creature: Growl.
Saruman: I call you Uruk-Hai.
Uruk-Hai: Oh, ok. Just wanted to clarify that. So, master, can you explain why I am so blue after being underneath the mud all day?
Saruman: Hoo boy.
Orc: Great job, my lord. Make a smart and fluent mutant.
Audience: What a sarcastic servant.
As for Frodo...Strider carries him as they pass the three trolls set in stone.
Book Fans: Would they stop with The Hobbit references?
Sam: Mr. Frodo? He¡¦s going cold!
Pippin: Is he going to die?
Strider: He is passing into the shadow world. Soon he will become a wraith like them.
Merry: Well, if you were listening to the Nazgul¡¦s indecipherable speech it was pretty obvious.
Audience: Hey...how could we understand them if they¡¦re so indecipherable? Whaaa?
Movie Critic In Disguise: I fear an audience uprising.
Audience: Nah, we¡¦re good. Frodo¡¦s still so adorable even after he was stabbed.
Merry: What should we do to pass the time?
Pippin: One hundred pints of ale on the wall, one hundred pints of ale¡K
Strider: Let¡¦s do something more productive. Sam, do you know the athelas plant?
Pippin: Ninety-nine pints of ale on the wall, ninety-nine pints of ale...
Sam: Athelas?
Pippin: Ninety-eight pints of ale on the wall, ninety-eight pints of ale...
Strider: Kingsfoil.
Pippin: Ninety-seven pints of ale on the wall, ninety-seven pints of ale...
Sam: Ale ¡V er, kingsfoil? Aye, it¡¦s a weed.
Pippin: Ninety-six pints of ale on the wall, ninety-six pints of ale...
Strider: It¡¦s to help slow the poison.
Sam and Strider split up to find the plant, and Strider reaches down to cut a few leaves when he feels a blade at his neck.
Arwen: What¡¦s this? A Ranger caught off his guard?
Strider: Galadrieldammit, Arwen! I¡¦m supposed to be, but I¡¦ve got a highly dangerous Ring and the wounded Ringbearer here.
Arwen: Stop giving away important names and titles, Aragorn son of Arathorn of the Dunedain.
Strider: You should talk, Arwen Undomiel of the Woods of Lothlorien.
Arwen: Are you feeling like the other is really hot right now?
Strider: Yeah! Let¡¦s get it on in Rivendell. Right now Frodo is in danger.
Arwen approaches Frodo as a glowing elf-maiden in white clothing.
Arwen: Frodo, I will mumble in Elvish and we¡¦ll see how good your vocab skills are, okay?
Frodo: Let me just adjust my funky-colored contacts first.
Arwen: Okay, are we good?
Frodo: Go ahead.
Arwen: Frodo, I am Arwen.
Frodo: Obviously.
Arwen: Shut up! I¡¦m here to help you. Hear my voice.
Audience: The cow goes moo...
Arwen: Return to the light.
Arwen returns to her normal self, in dark-hued clothing.
Sam: She¡¦s an elf!
Audience: We stand by what we said before.
Arwen: He¡¦s fading. He¡¦s not going to last.
Movie Critic In Disguise: I have to say it ¡V The cow goes moo! It goes moo, Arwen!
Arwen: We have to get him to my father.
Audience: Finally, some sense!
Strider crushes up some kingsfoil and puts it into the nasty open wound.
Arwen: I¡¦ve been looking for you for two days. There are five wraiths behind you. Where the other four are I do not know.
Pippin: Eighty-five pints of ale on the wall, eighty-five pints of ale...
Arwen: What¡¦s Pippin mumbling about? Perhaps he knows about the wraiths.
Strider: He¡¦s too stupid. He¡¦s mumbling about getting liquored up.
Arwen: What if they are?
Far, far away...yet not so far for comfort ¡V the wraiths are getting liquored up as a celebration/consolation for eating fire.
Strider: Oh, just stay with the Hobbits. I will send horses for you.
Arwen: I¡¦m the faster rider, and I need some action-packed, suspenseful screen time. I¡¦ll take him.
Strider: But my rugged good looks ¡V
Arwen: Oh, suck it up. Give me Frodo and let me show you how a real woman rides.
Strider: The road is too dangerous. Then we can¡¦t get it on!
Arwen: But if I can get across the river, the power of my people will protect him. I do not fear them.
She mounts her grey horse.
Strider: Arwen. Ride hard. Don¡¦t look back.
Arwen: You got it.
She rides forth.
Arwen: Like, duh, I was already planning to do that!
Sam: What are you doing? Those wraiths are still out there!
Arwen rides straight into afternoon ¡V apparently she is not as fast as we all thought. The Ringwraiths spot her and decide to pursue her.
Ringwraith #3: Hey, my booze is starting to wear off!
Ringwraith #5: Well ride your horse faster for a pick-me-up!
Arwen cuts her cheek on a stray branch.
Arwen: Grandmadammit! That was so not in the script!
Ringwraith #6: Hey, stop! Stop! I have some ointment in my saddlebag to help heal it!
Arwen: Eeek! They¡¦re gaining!
Ringwraith #6: Wait ¡V we¡¦re just trying to help you!
Arwen: Shriek! Ringwraiths! Back, you devils!
Ringwraith #9: Damn, heard that before.
Ringwraith #7: You know what, number six? She¡¦s insulting us! And she¡¦s got a Hobbit with her!
Ringwraith #1: You eight do what you want.
Ringwraith #6: Let¡¦s seek revenge and hope her cut never heals.
Arwen has crossed the Ford of Bruinen and is across the water from the Ringwraiths.
Arwen: I¡¦m an Elf, dumbass! I can heal anything!
Ringwraith #1: Give up the Halfling, she-Elf!
Arwen: Well, if you want him, come and claim him!
Ringwraith #1: Oh yeah? Well why don¡¦t you come over here and we¡¦ll claim him ourselves.
Arwen: Hmm...fair enough! Yeah! [mutters in Elvish] Oh, whoopsies ¡V I think I triggered the flood Daddy usually takes care of.
A wave of horse-resembling water sweeps down from the Ford and washes aside the Ringwraiths.
Arwen: Sayonara, suckers! Never trust an Elf who pretends to be completely clueless.
Ringwraiths: Galadrieldammit!
Arwen triumphantly watches them go, then turns to Frodo, who is definitely fading. She dismounts and lays him on the ground.
Arwen: No, Frodo! Don¡¦t give in! Not now! We need you to destroy the Ring!
She hugs him and cries.
Arwen: Let what grace is given me be passed to him. Let him be spared. Save him.
Frodo¡¦s world dissolves into light, and he dreams of enchantments and funky houses. He wakes up, in bed.
Frodo: Where am I?
Gandalf: You are in Elrond¡¦s basement, and it is ten in the morning, on October the 24th, if you want to know.
Frodo: No, not particularly. That was an aside question!
Gandalf: Well, aren¡¦t we huffy?
Frodo: Gandalf! Wheee!
Gandalf: Yes, I¡¦m here.
Audience: We can see that, you blathering mysterious old man!
Gandalf: Hey, let me get on with not telling him things, okay? Anyhoo, a few hours later you would have been a nancy Nazgul, but you still have some testosterone in you, my dear Hobbit.
Frodo: I sincerely hope he is not coming on to me.
Audience: We agree!
Frodo: So what happened? Why didn¡¦t you meet us?
Gandalf: So you would have more time on-screen, of course. Generous as I am, I was delayed.
Cut to the roof of Isengard.
Gandalf: One ill turn deserves another. How dare you cast nature aside?
Saruman: Did you expect me to not be vengeful? I¡¦m obviously getting evil from the weed.
Gandalf: Or was it because I, Ghetto Gandalf, beat you, South Side Saruman, in our breakdancing competition?
Saruman: Yup, that too. And then, the host from Good Morning, Mordor totally snubbed me, and... [sniffles]
Gandalf: You¡¦ve got problems.
Saruman: That¡¦s true, that¡¦s true. I need a hug!
Gandalf: Hey ¡V I may have had a nasty scandalous shag with the Dwarves, but I am not giving you a hug. No way!
Saruman: You¡¦re pissing me off, Gandalf! Let¡¦s go talk about the Ring again.
Gandalf: Whatever makes you happy.
Saruman: It is over. Embrace the power of the Ring or embrace your own destruction.
Gandalf: Damn, that¡¦s creepy.
Gwahir, the Wind Lord, swoops near Saruman¡¦s ear and flies behind Gandalf.
Saruman: Hey, did you notice a breeze up here? Do you need an extra cloak at night?
Gandalf: Nah. Time for a parting shot.
Saruman: Carry on.
Gandalf: The Ring has but one master, and he does not share power. See ya!
He jumps off the roof and onto Gwahir¡¦s back.
Gwahir: Oof!
Gandalf: Thanks for coming on such short notice.
Gwahir: Welcome to Gwahir¡¦s Eaglelines. Please fasten your seat belts and keep all hands and legs away from the wings. I am not responsible for any injuries or you falling off my back. Thank you and enjoy your flight.
Saruman: Damn, another suicidal jumper. Ah, well.
Shots of Gwahir flying Gandalf past snowy mountains.
Gwahir: And here on your left we have the Caradhas Mountains. Lovely spot for both skiing and dying in an avalanche.
Gandalf: I hope Gwahir doesn¡¦t realize I owe him two now.
Cut back to the present.
Frodo: Gandalf?
Gandalf: Nothing.
Frodo: Dude needs a psychiatrist.
Sam rushes in overexcitedly, followed by Elrond.
Sam: Bless you, Frodo, you¡¦re awake!
Frodo: I¡¦m feeling so giddy and giggly that I could kiss you, Sam.
Gandalf: Sam has hardly left your side.
Frodo: Uh...
Gandalf: Nasty-minded Hobbit! Not in the way of me and the Dwarves, no!
Frodo, Sam, and Elrond edge away from Gandalf.
Sam: Thank Galadriel we weren¡¦t that worried about you, were we, Mr. Gandalf?
Gandalf: Enough of this! Thanks to the skills of Master Elrond, you have begun to mend.
Elrond: Welcome to Rivendell, Frodo Baggins.
Frodo: My reward for you is my gratefully pathetic smile.
Elrond: Ah, good enough.
Frodo goes outside to meet Merry, Pippin, and a considerably older Bilbo.
Frodo: Bilbo!
Audience: Damn ¡V what happened to his makeup?
Bilbo: Hello, Frodo, my lad!
He bursts into song.
Bilbo: Have a look ¡V in this book! It¡¦s so red ¡V I¡¦m almost dead! It¡¦s a wonderful little ditty about me, me, me ¡V
Frodo: Okay, Bilbo, I got it.
Bilbo: I need some more screen time before I drop dead. I¡¦m 111!
Frodo: There and Back Again, A Hobbit¡¦s Tale by Bilbo Baggins. This is wonderful!
Bilbo: I meant to go back to all the places I went in The Hobbit ¡V Laketown...
Book Fans: Unwelcome reception there, remember?
Bilbo: ...Mirkwood...
Audience Members Who Read The Books: The king put the Dwarves in the dungeon, remember?
Bilbo: ...see the Lonely Mountain...
Book Fans: You got kicked out of it, remember?
Bilbo: Okay, shut up! Did you people memorize the books or something?
Book Fans: [slightly hurt] Yeah, so?
Bilbo: But an age, it seems, has finally caught up with me.
Frodo: Oh yeah, definitely. I do miss the Shire. I spent all of my childhood pretending I was off with you on one of your adventures.
Movie Critic In Disguise: No! No! The Emotional Moment is coming too soon!
Frodo: Don¡¦t blame me ¡V blame Peter Jackson.
Bilbo: Should I still say ¡¥my dear boy¡¦?
Audience: Sure, what the hey.
Bilbo: My dear boy.
Sam is packing.
Sam: What have I forgotten? Oh yes, Mr. Frodo. And Merry and Pippin in case Mr. Frodo dies and I have no one to be infatuated with.
Frodo: Packed already?
Sam: With the exception of you and the others, Mr. Frodo. Oops, I¡¦ve said too much. I¡¦ll blush.
Frodo: Oh Sam, your looks are no use here. Neither are mine ¡V oh, I¡¦m a horrible conceited liar.
Sam: No more than being prepared.
Frodo: I thought you wanted to see the Elves, Sam.
Sam: I do.
Frodo: More than anything ¡V even me.
Sam: I did, but...We got the Ring this far and I thought we¡¦d be back home shagging Rosie.
Frodo: Oh Sam ¡V I¡¦m not like that.
Sam: I suppose so. But I predict more angst, testosterone, and horniness throughout the trilogy.
Audience: Ah, foreshadowing.
Meanwhile, Gandalf and Elrond are watching them.
Gandalf: I love your spying chamber. What do you use it for on regular days?
Elrond: Spying on Arwen¡¦s Elvish chambermaids. There¡¦s a bath house nearby with funky glass.
Gandalf: Crafty as a Dwarf! Or two...
Elrond: Uh, Frodo¡¦s strength returns.
Gandalf: He¡¦ll have the wound for the rest of his life.
Elrond: Yet to have gotten to Rivendell with the Ring, the Hobbit has shown resilience to it.
Gandalf: Nope, that was all Strider and Sam. So we can ask no more of Frodo.
Elrond: The Enemy is moving! [blather blather] And you say that Saruman has betrayed our HBO club for watching The Sopranos? Our list of allies now grows even thinner.
Gandalf: His treachery is deeper than you know. He has destroyed nature, perfected the cinnamon toffee cookie recipe, and has made really cool Orcs!
Elrond: Well, whatever your point is, the Ring cannot stay here.
Gandalf: Why not?
Elrond: Because I¡¦ve already got Vilya, the Ring of Air that my father passed on to me while my mommy Galadriel kept Nenya, the Ring of Adamant. I can¡¦t have two because I¡¦d be too flashy for an Elf. That¡¦s Thranduil¡¦s job. I mean, Mommy only knows how Legolas got the reputation for nancing.
Gandalf: Yes, Galadriel only knows how he did.
Gandalf looks out of the balcony. Boromir arrives looking all rugged and too-cool. Legolas comes looking particularly hot. And a group of Dwarves arrives, with auch-accents and all.
Elrond: What the Mordor are you looking at?
Gandalf: Our speedy new arrivals ¡V Boromir, Legolas, Gimli.
Elrond: Eh? Oh yes ¡V the swot-ass, the heartthrob, and the indignant ass.
Gandalf: Hey, let¡¦s place our hope in Men when you Elves go sailing over the ocean blue.
Elrond: Ha! They¡¦re weak ¡V and the only reason I know is when Isildur took the Ring for himself without listening to my advice. And look what happened to him ¡V shot by Orcs, dead in his grave!
Gandalf: So rely on the only one who can lead them.
Elrond: Yeah, well he chose exile. Sorry, suckers!
Nighttime. Strider reading a book.
Strider: And so Cinderella¡¦s fairy godmother arrived and said, ¡¥Bibbity Bobbity Boo!¡¦...Ah, I must thank Frodo for selecting this wonderful book for me.
Boromir: Hey, the Shards of Narsil. The blade that cut the Ring ¡V
Audience: We know.
Boromir: But how?
Audience: Uh, everyone¡¦s mentioned it at least once.
Boromir: Well, it still cut the ring from Sauron¡¦s hand ¡V
He cuts his finger from it.
Simpsons Fans: Ha-ha!
Audience: Ooh, foreshadowing!
Boromir: Ouch that smarts. I¡¦m so mad I think I¡¦ll drop it with a clang.
He drops it with a clang and doesn¡¦t bother to pick it up.
Strider: Okay, he¡¦s my conflict buddy.
He reverently picks up the hilt and returns it to its place. Arwen approaches.
Arwen: Why do you fear the past?
Strider: I don¡¦t. And why haven¡¦t we gotten it on since yesterday?
Arwen: Because now we¡¦re on-screen. Wanna take a walk and then make out?
Strider: Will it lead to getting it on again?
Arwen: Oh yeah, definitely. No cameras!
Strider: Let¡¦s go.
The next day, the Council of Elrond gathers.
Elrond: Okay, friends, you have to unite or else fall.
Old Guy From Gondor: You mean, we¡¦ll fall on our faces?
Elrond: Ignore him. Frodo, bring forth the ring.
Frodo places the teensy Ring on the stand in the center of the ring of chairs. Ah, symbolism.
Frodo: Okay, I can handle being without it for two minutes. Or can I?
Boromir: I¡¦m the future steward of Gondor, but do you wanna see some of Isildur¡¦s blood in my veins?
Elrond: Why not?
Boromir: See, I think it¡¦s a gift that we can use and later give to Gondor and we shall govern! Muahahahahah!
Elrond: Am I paranoid, or is he a bit evil and stupid?
Strider: No, it¡¦s not just you.
Elrond: But his little speech has convinced me that he has a little Isildur in him.
Strider: Can I contribute some opposition?
Legolas: And can I team up with him?
Elrond: Yes, sure.
Legolas: And can I also stand up so the girls can scream?
Legolas Lovers: Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! It¡¦s him!
Elrond: Since I¡¦m afraid of an uprising, I will agree.
Strider: Then I think Boromir¡¦s theory is a load of crap.
Boromir: And what would you, a handsomely rugged Ranger know of this?
Legolas stands up.
Legolas Lovers: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I love you!
Movie Critic In Disguise: Hoo boy.
Legolas: This is no mere Ranger. It is Aragorn, son of Arathorn. You owe him your allegiance.
Audience: Ohhhhhhhhh! He got you!
Boromir: This dude is Isildur¡¦s heir?
Legolas: Yup ¡V with real Isildur blood in his veins.
Boromir: You¡¦ve gotta be kidding me.
Legolas: And heir to the throne of Gondor.
Movie Critic In Disguise: Ouch, two good comebacks!
Strider, now Aragorn: Oh crap, my cover¡¦s blown.
Boromir: Gah!
Aragorn: Sit down, Legolas.
Boromir: Gondor doesn¡¦t want a Ranger.
Elrond: Well, Gondor doesn¡¦t want a steward like you, either.
Movie Critic In Disguise: He¡¦s got you there!
Gandalf: I¡¦m siding with Stride ¡V er, Aragorn.
Elrond: Okay, since we¡¦ve confirmed all of this taking sides business, I think the Ring should be destroyed.
Ring: Mordor no!
Gimli: So what are you waiting for? Argh argh auch!
He means to smash it with his axe but the Ring ends up smashing his axe. To pieces.
Frodo: Ow. Headache. Oh, and I saw a creepy Eye of Sauron.
Ring: Ha-ha!
Elrond: This isn¡¦t The Sword in the Stone, okay? You have to walk to the volcano and dump it in there.
Frodo: Where¡¦s the volcano?
Elrond: Oh, Mount Doom happens to be smack in the middle of Mordor. Happy journey!
Audience: How convenient.
Elrond: Come on, don¡¦t be shy. One of you can dump it in there.
Boromir: You can¡¦t do it even with an army.
Legolas stands up again.
Movie Critic In Disguise: Oh God, not another speech.
Legolas Lovers: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Oh my God!
Elrond: Hey, show some respect to Mommy. It¡¦s ¡¥Oh my Galadriel!¡¦
Legolas Lovers: Sorry. Aaaaahhhhhhhhhh! Oh my Galadriel, it¡¦s Legolas!
Elrond: There ya go!
Legolas: Hello? Okay, yeah. Didn¡¦t you hear that Lord Elrond said the Ring must be destroyed?
Boromir: Sorry, I had ear plugs in my ears!
Aragorn: Was that sarcasm?
Boromir: Shut up.
Elrond: Gimli, have you established any enmity yet?
Gimli: I take no one¡¦s side, especially Legolas¡¦.
Legolas: What did I ever do to you?
Gimli: I dunno. But remember that I am reluctant to do this.
Legolas: I suppose, though I do love harmony between all and Chai Lattes. Carry on.
Gimli: So, I suppose you think you¡¦re the one to do it?
Boromir: What if we fail? What happens when Sauron takes back the Ring?
Gimli: Even though I am in an Elven city, I will be dead before I see the Ring in the hands of an Elf! Never trust an Elf!
Elrond: Oh, thanks. Great manners, man.
Boromir: Damn, he¡¦s good at enmity.
Aragorn: Poor Legolas.
An argument starts up.
Ring: This is a bit boring and blather blather blathering. Maybe I¡¦ll do the fire on my complexion thing to creep Frodo out.
The Ring reflects fire consuming everyone arguing.
Frodo: Okay, I guess this is a sign. I¡¦ll take the Ring.
Unimportant Council Members: Aloha-oe!
Elrond: I guess that only leaves you suckers.
Frodo, Gandalf, Aragorn, Boromir, Legolas, Gimli: Er...yeah.
Elrond: I can¡¦t go with you because I have to oversee my basement.
Gandalf: Frodo doesn¡¦t have a sense of direction. I¡¦ll go.
Aragorn: I¡¦m the heir. You have my sword.
Legolas: You have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Boromir: Since Aragorn¡¦s coming I suppose I should come, too.
Aragorn: C¡¦mere, conflict buddy.
Elrond: Awwww!
Sam: Hey, wait for me! Mr. Frodo needs a gay lover.
Merry: Us, too! Pippin can provide stupid comic relief, while I can be his accomplice and savior.
Elrond: Nine companions for the Nazgul to kill. Alrighty, you shall be the Fellowship of the Ring.
Gandalf: Better than The Nine Swot-Asses.
Elrond: Can I still change that?
Peter Jackson: Nope. Talk to Tolkien, my immortal friend.
Ring: Whoa, I¡¦m in deep shit now.
Bilbo¡¦s chambers. He is there to give Frodo some old Dwarvish stuff.
Bilbo: My old sword, Sting ¡V and it has lived up to its name. Take it, take it! It burns, it burns!
Frodo: It¡¦s so light.
Bilbo: Yes. Made by the elves, you know. The blade glows blue when Orcs are close ¡V and pulls out just as easily too!
Frodo: Sounds fun.
Bilbo: Here¡¦s a pretty thing.
Frodo: Ooh, a pretty thing?
Bilbo: Yes.
Frodo: Can I guess what it is?
Bilbo: It¡¦s not a comb or a mirror, Frodo. It¡¦s a mail coat. As light as a feather, but as hard as dragon scales.
Frodo: Any special Elvish names?
Bilbo: You¡¦ll find out later.
Frodo: Damn, I hate people not telling me things.
Bilbo: Let me see you put it on.
Frodo begins to take off his shirt, and the Ring is revealed on a chain around his neck.
Frodo Fangirls: Whooooo! Take it off!
Bilbo: Oh, my old ring. I should very much like to hold it again, one last time for eternity.
Frodo: Uh, I don¡¦t think so, Uncle Bilbo.
He covers up the Ring again.
Frodo Fangirls: Damn you, Bilbo!
Bilbo: Argh-arck-growl.
Audience: Shriek! Creepy face!
Bilbo: I¡¦m sorry I brought this upon you, my boy. I¡¦m sorry you must carry this burden. I¡¦m sorry for everything!
Frodo: It¡¦s alright, Uncle Bilbo.
Movie Critic In Disguise: Hey, an Emotional Moment. Well, can¡¦t argue with it.
The company leaves Rivendell and travels through ruins, mountains, and fields.
Movie Critic In Disguise: Product placement ¡V New Zealand.
Gandalf: We must hold this course west of the Misty Mountains for 40 days. [blather blather]
Pippin: Time for lunch!
Merry: His stomach just knows.
Boromir: I see...Hey, wanna practice sword fighting?
Merry & Pippin: Why not?
They do.
Merry: Getting good, Pippin.
Pippin: Thanks.
Boromir: I¡¦m starting to like Merry and Pippin. They¡¦re definitely my Hobbit pals.
Gimli: If anyone were to ask my opinion ¡V which I note they have not ¡V I would say we¡¦re taking the long way round!
Gandalf: Damn! But then, Dwarves were always crafty.
Gimli: Gandalf, we could go through the Mines of Moria. My cousin Balin would give us a royal welcome.
Gandalf: No, Gimli, I would not take the road through Moria unless I had no other choice.
Gimli: Auch!
The sword fight ¡V
Aragorn: Move your feet!
Boromir accidentally hurts Pippin¡¦s hand.
Pippin: Ow!
Boromir: Sorry!
Pippin drops his sword, holds his hand, and kicks Boromir in the shin and tackles him.
Merry: Go, Pip! I think I¡¦ll join in.
They wrestle Boromir to the ground. Meanwhile, Legolas leaps lightly onto a rock and looks onto the horizon. An odd black cluster is in the sky.
Legolas Lovers: Aaaahhhh! Show us a close-up!
Sam: What¡¦s that?
Gimli: Nothing, it¡¦s just a wisp of cloud.
Boromir: It¡¦s moving fast.
Legolas close-up.
Legolas Lovers: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Legolas: Are we ready for my line?
Clever Parody Girl: Yes, of course we are!
Legolas: Okay. Crebain from Dunland!
Everyone grabs their stuff, puts out the fire, and takes cover in the rocks and shrubs. The crows pass over, shrieking. When they are gone, everyone reappears.
Frodo: Gandalf, don¡¦t you have a Safety and Invisibility Spell for us?
Gandalf: Ah, no.
Fellowship: Damn!
Gandalf: Don¡¦t I know it. Well, those are Saruman¡¦s spies. The passage south is being watched. We will have to go over the pass of Caradhas.
Aragorn: Why is he looking for you?
Gandalf: He needs a Wizard¡¦s hug.
Aragorn: Ah...
Climbing Caradhas, Frodo suddenly falls and rolls down. Aragorn catches him.
Audience: Frodo the red-nosed Hobbit - had a very shiny nose! And if you ever saw it - you would even say it glows ¡V
Fellowship: Like a lightbulb!
Frodo: Hello? Who¡¦s got the Ring?
Ring: Boromir!
Aragorn: Hey there, conflict buddy.
Boromir: It is a strange fate that we should suffer so much fear and doubt over so small a thing.
Aragorn: Yo! Boromir! Give the Ring to Frodo.
Boromir: As you wish. I care not.
Legolas: Oh Boromir, we all know you do.
Aside, Aragorn removes his hand from his sword.
In Isengard, the crows return to Saruman. First, let me tell you that he has turned ghetto yet still sucks at breakdancing.
Saruman: What news from my posse?
Crebain: Caw caw caw!
Saruman: So, you tried to lead them over Caradhas. And if that fails? Whither then will you go? If the mountain defeats you, will you risk a more dangerous road? Come on, I wanna know, yo!
Atop Caradhas in a snow storm. The others slog through a rough path while Legolas runs deftly on top of it, above the others. He stands at the edge of a cliff, listening.
Legolas Lovers: Whoo! Another close-up!
Legolas: There is a fell voice on the air!
Gandalf: Saruman!
Rocks fall from the side of the mountain, followed by snow.
Aragorn: He¡¦s trying to bring down the mountain! We must turn back!
Gandalf: No! My pride prevents me!
He climbs out of the path and shouts inane babble.
Saruman: You and yo posse can¡¦t beat me, yo! I¡¦m ghetto fabolous.
Legolas pulls Gandalf back just before a hefty amount of snow buries them. They emerge a few minutes later.
Aragorn: We must get off the mountain, then!
Boromir: Let¡¦s take the Gap of Rohan, and go back to my city. This place sucks!
Aragorn: Rohan takes us too close to Isengard! And besides, it¡¦s not my fault you¡¦re homesick.
Gimli: Let¡¦s go under the mountain!
Gandalf: Oh, for the love of Galadriel!
Saruman (v.o.): Moria ¡V You know the Dwarves awoke shadow and flame before noon and paid the price.
Gandalf: I¡¦m adamantly against Moria, but let¡¦s ask the foolish Ringbearer.
Frodo: I may be foolish, but I¡¦m adorable! And I think my adorability can be safe in the mines.
Gandalf: That¡¦s what you think.
Cut to Moria and a dark lake. Frodo¡¦s foot accidentally splashes in it and he jumps back. And then they reach...
Gimli: The walls of Moria. Auch!
Gandalf: Ithilden. It mirrors only starlight and moonlight.
Audience: Oooh!
The moon shines on it and reveals glowing Elvish writing.
Audience: Ah!
Gandalf: It reads, ¡¥The Gates of Durin, Lord of Moria. Speak friend and enter.¡¦
Elvish Speakers: We already knew that!
Book Fans: Yeah, so did we!
Movie Critic In Disguise: I fear a conflict. Ah, well.
Pippin: What do you suppose it means?
Gandalf: Fool of a Took! Just let me speak this really long Elvish password like a genius.
An Age later (kidding ¡V it was probably an hour or so)...
Aragorn: Sorry Sam, but even brave ponies like Bill can¡¦t come into the mines.
Sam: Sniff, sniff. ¡¥Bye, Bill. I know I¡¦m supposed to make a bigger deal of this.
Aragorn: Don¡¦t worry, Sam. He knows the way home and this movie is three hours long.
Movie Critic In Disguise: You still could have spared a bit of Emotional Moment!
Merry and Pippin are throwing rocks into the lake.
Aragorn: Don¡¦t disturb the water! Notice I am restraining from saying things like swot-ass and imbecile like the others.
Anti-Profanity People: That¡¦s our man.
Gandalf: This is useless! No one can solve this, because I am an extremely smart guy!
Frodo: It¡¦s a riddle. Um, ignore the ripples in the lake and focus on me, please! What¡¦s the Elvish word for friend?
Gandalf: Mellon.
And ¡V gasp! ¡V the gates open and they go in.
Frodo: Oops, I think I stole Merry¡¦s job. Well, even so, there was no Tom Bombadil or Barrow-Downs in the first place.
Gimli: Soon, Master Elf, you will enjoy the fabled hospitality of the Dwarves! Roaring fires, malt beer, red meat off the bone!
Legolas: Uh, fascinating.
Gimli: This is the home of my cousin Balin. And they call it a mine. A mine!
Females in Audience: Geez, no wonder you guys never ended up with wives.
Gimli: With the exception of my father Gloin.
Boromir: Enough with the sexual orientation and genealogy ¡V this isn¡¦t a mine, it¡¦s a tomb!
Orchestra: Enter dramatic music.
Light reveals some skeletons ¡V okay, there¡¦s millions of skeletons!
Gimli: Nooooooooooooo!
Legolas pulls an arrow out of one of the skeletons and examines it.
Legolas: Goblins!
Boromir: We make for the Gap of Rohan! We should never have come here! Get out!
Freakish Giant Squid: Sorry, bubs, I¡¦m on the other side. Hmm, saucy little Hobbit.
Its tentacle reaches out and grabs Frodo ¡V twice! Then it hangs Frodo high above its mouth. A fight scene ensues.
Legolas¡¦ Bow: Twang. Twang. Twang. Whizz. Whizz. Thwack!
Aragorn & Boromir¡¦s Swords: Chop. Hack. Chop. Hack.
Freakish Giant Squid: Owie. Oh crap, there goes the one holding the saucy little Hobbit.
Boromir catches Frodo.
Boromir: Oof.
Frodo: Hey, I¡¦ve lost 20 pounds during this damn journey!
Legolas¡¦ Bow: Twang. Whizz. Thwack.
Freakish Giant Squid: Right in the eye. Ouch, that smarts. Visine, anyone?
Gandalf: Into the mines!
Freakish Giant Squid: Guess not. Better close the doors in anger.
The gates slam shut and they run to avoid the debris. Darkness.
Pippin: Dude, I can¡¦t even see my own hand!
Gandalf¡¦s Staff: I bring you light. Unfortunately, I require two AAA batteries if this stone goes.
Gandalf: Be on your guard! There are older and fouler things than Orcs here.
Merry: Crap? Wait...smelly crap! No, no, diarrhea!
Gandalf: No. Let us hope our presence here may go unnoticed.
Pippin: I make no guarantees.
They climb up a stair ¡V or, the Hobbits have to literally climb, the others take big steps.
Gandalf: I have no memory of this place.
Fellowship: Then we command you to go sulk and think!
Gandalf: Fine! And I¡¦ll bring the weed with me.
Everyone sits aside from Gandalf, except Legolas, who stands. Frodo turns around and sees something crawling. He runs to Gandalf.
Frodo: There¡¦s something down there ¡V and it¡¦s worse than a bad hair day, I think.
Gandalf: It¡¦s Gollum. He¡¦s been following us for three days.
Ring: Whoa-oh, hold up.
Frodo: He escaped the dungeons of Barad-Dur! See how good my pronunciation is?
Gandalf: Escaped, or set loose? Gollum loves the Ring, unrequitedly.
Ring: Oh, of all the places you had to go!
Frodo: Pity Bilbo didn¡¦t kill him when he had the chance ¡V and dumped the Ring in lava, too!
Gandalf: Many who live deserve death, and many who die deserve life. Sucks for their families.
Frodo: Here comes my whiny line that I will be repeating in different forms through the trilogy.
Audience: Ooooh! Here it comes!
Frodo: I wish the Ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.
Gandalf: Time for me to say my famous line.
Audience: It¡¦s The Line that will endure throughout the entire movie!
Gandalf: Well, maybe not. But one of them, at least.
Ring: What do I have to say in Black Speech to get you to remember me?
Gandalf: So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time we are given.
Movie Critic In Disguise: Oh, what a wonderful Moment!
Audience: Much better than whatever-it-is he did with the Dwarves!
Gandalf: Okay, Moment¡¦s over. Let¡¦s go down this passage.
Merry: He¡¦s remembered.
Gandalf: No, I knew it straight from the beginning, but Andy Serkis demanded a better intro.
Fellowship: Ah.
Gandalf: Now for some more light.
He raises up his staff and they see before them a huge cavern with immense pillars.
Gandalf: Behold! The great realm of the Dwarf city of Dwarrowdelf.
Audience: Ooh! Ah!
Sam: That¡¦s an eye opener, make no mistake.
Gimli spots a door and runs toward it.
Gandalf: G ¡V i ¡V m ¡V l ¡V i! Nooooooo!
Audience: What¡¦s with the slo-mo talk, man?
Pippin shrugs. The remainder of them follow Gimli, who is grieving over a tomb.
Gimli: Auch! Argh! Auch! Arrgh!
Gandalf: Let me display my skill at reading Dwarf runes. Here lies Balin, son of Fundin, Lord of Moria. He is dead, then.
Audience: The cow goes moo, Gandalf!
Gandalf: Well, it is as I feared, okay?!
Gandalf finds a skeleton lying against a tomb clutching a book, and picks it up.
Legolas: We must move on. We cannot linger.
Gandalf: Blather blather about the end for them. ¡¥A shadow moves in the dark. Drums, drums in the deep.¡¦ Ah, more foreshadowing!
Pippin: Heh heh. A skeleton with an arrow stuck in it. I think I¡¦ll just ¡V
The cobwebby head comes off and falls into the well it has been sitting on. You¡¦d think it would be over, but then the body follows. And then you¡¦d think it¡¦s done, but then comes the chain attached to the remainder of it. Of course, an iron bucket is on the other end of the chain.
Pippin: Er, whoopsies?
Fellowship: Oh, crap.
Legolas: I told you.
Gandalf: Fool of a Took! Next time, throw yourself in and rid us of your stupidity.
Orchestra Conductor: Drums!
Drummer: Doo-doo-doodoo. Doo-doo-doodoo. [background music: Justin Timberlake¡¦s ¡§Like I Love You¡¨]
There is a slight pause, but then the sound of drums arise. The volume rises, and Sting glows blue.
Legolas: Orcs!
Boromir rushes to the door and jerks back as two arrows nearly hit him. He shuts it.
Boromir: They have a cave troll. Greeeaaat!
Aragorn: Hobbits, stay close to Gandalf!
Hobbits: Well, we¡¦re a bit hurt. Are you saying we can¡¦t take care of ourselves?
Gandalf: Can you?
Hobbits: Nope.
Pippin: I caused this whole shenanigan, remember?
Gimli: Let them come! There is one Dwarf yet in Moria who still draws breath! Auch!
The Orcs begin to smash down the doors. Legolas and Aragorn do some pre-conflict arrow shooting while Boromir twirls his sword.
Legolas Lovers: He¡¦s so dreamy and valiant¡K
Legolas: Ladies, I appreciate it, but this is not the time.
Ensue fight scene. (In which Sam hits a few Orcs with his frying pan.)
Sam: I think I¡¦m getting the hang of this!
Troll: Duh, three Hobbits. Duh.
It blunders toward them, and Frodo is separated from Merry and Pippin.
Troll: Duh, one Hobbit. Duh.
It plays a little game of sniff-and-seek, where Frodo tries to avoid it on either side of the pillar. But he is caught by surprise and falls. The troll grabs his foot.
Audience: Oh, for the love of ¡V
Frodo: Aragorn! Help!
Aragorn: Who calls by my true name? Frodo! Here I come to save you for the umpteenth time!
Non-Legolas Lovers: Sigh ¡V Aragorn, so valiant!
Legolas Lovers: Sure, he¡¦s ruggedly handsome, but Legolas is hotter!
Non-Legolas Lovers, Now Aragorn Aficionadas: Aragorn¡¦s the hottie!
Legolas Lovers: Not on your life!
Aragorn Aficionadas: Shut up, you little ¡V
Boromir: How come no one has a fan club for me?
Audience Members (Who Are Mainly 46-Year-Olds): We love you, Boromir, and we can scream just as loud as our daughters can for Legolas and Aragorn!
Boromir: Then I¡¦m good! Hi-yah, Orc asses!
Boromir Lovers: Sigh.
Frodo manages to cut the troll with Sting, and just as it makes for another pass, Aragorn runs over and stabs it with a spear.
Troll: Owie. Duh. Smash future King into wall. Duh. Hope get invited to coronation. Duh.
Aragorn¡¦s Subconscious: Mental Note ¡V Do not invite troll to coronation.
Frodo attempts to shake Aragorn, but he doesn¡¦t get up.
Troll: Duh. Hobbit. Duh. Spear. Duh.
Frodo dodges the fallen spear the troll has picked up and aimed at him. Then he runs into it and is pushed against the wall. The troll stabs him and he falls with the spear looking embedded in his side.
Audience: ¡¥Who will saaavve your soul?¡¦
Movie Critic In Disguise: Not Jewel!
Everyone else goes crazy and fights with a renewed energy. Merry and Pippin throw rocks at the troll and leap onto its back to stab it. Merry gets thrown off, but Pippin stabs it and holds the chain back. Which is just enough time for Legolas to shoot an arrow into its neck. Pippin gets thrown to the ground when the troll falls.
Legolas Lovers: Ha-hah, our guy won!
Aragorn: Oh, no, Frodo.
Frodo: Nope, still alive. Sorry to freak you out.
Sam: He¡¦s alive!
Audience: The cow goes moo!
Frodo: I¡¦m all right, I¡¦m not hurt.
Aragorn: You should be dead! That spear would have skewered a wild boar.
Gimli: Mmm, wild boar...
Boromir: Time for a lull in the fighting.
Legolas: And an exaggerated peace.
Gandalf: I think there is more to this Hobbit than meets the eye.
Frodo: Okay, you blew my cover. I have this schmancy vest from Bilbo.
He rips open his shirt.
Frodo Fangirls: Whhooooo! Oh yeah, baby! Take it off!
Movie Critic In Disguise: Oh my God ¡V er, Galadriel.
Gimli: Mithril! You are full of surprises, Mr. Baggins.
Orcs: Okay guys, lull¡¦s over.
Gandalf: To the bridge of Khazad-Dum!
They run through the cavern and are surrounded by Orcs leaping up from crevices or crawling down onto pillars. Then a roar in the distance makes them all disappear.
Gimli: Ha! Auch!
Gandalf: Shut up, idiot. We¡¦re not that intimidating.
Gimli: Wasn¡¦t Legolas supposed to be my conflict buddy? Auch!
Gandalf: Oh, right.
Boromir: What is this new devilry?
Gandalf: A Balrog, a demon of the ancient world. This foe is beyond any of you. Run!
Aragorn and Boromir: My valor demands of me to stay behind and fight with you ¡V
Gandalf: Just follow Legolas!
Aragorn and Boromir: Legolas, what a nance! How come you¡¦re running?
Legolas: I¡¦m not a nance, I just run faster than you Men.
Aragorn and Boromir: We take it back then.
Legolas: Well, you had better. I¡¦m about to save Boromir from plunging into a pit.
Boromir: What? That¡¦s impossible ¡V Aaahh!
He comes to the end of the path and teeters there, trying to keep his balance. Legolas grabs him and pulls him back, while his torch drops.
Legolas: Told you.
Aragorn: Yet again!
Legolas Lovers: See, Mom? Legolas saved your guy¡¦s life! Ha!
Gandalf: Lead them on, Aragorn! The bridge is near! Swords are no more use here!
Aragorn: But I got skills! Well, I suppose you¡¦re right.
They run. And run. And run and run. They come to a gap in the staircase without banisters. Legolas jumps across dexterously and Gandalf follows in a few seconds.
Boromir: Merry! Pippin!
He grabs them and jumps across. The edge of the staircase conveniently crumbles. Aragorn tosses Sam across to Gandalf.
Gimli: Nobody tosses a Dwarf!
Gimli jumps but only gets his feet dug into the edge. Legolas reaches forward and grabs his beard to keep him from falling.
Gimli: Auch! Not the beard!
Still more conveniently, more of the staircase begins to crumble. It is too far to jump across, and part of the roof conveniently ¡V see how wonderful this is? ¡V whacks the remainder of the staircase¡¦s base. Aragorn and Frodo keep their balance but make the staircase go in the right direction.
Aragorn: Lean forward!
Frodo: Whee! Oh, wait, I¡¦m also scared of sudden death.
The remainder falls forward, and Frodo lands in Gandalf¡¦s arms. (Aragorn in Legolas¡¦.) They then continue on down the stairs and the bridge. The Balrog emerges from the chasm behind them, and Gandalf stands in the center of the bridge to protect the others who have already gotten across.
Balrog: Fear me.
Gandalf: You cannot pass.
Balrog: How are you not daunted by me?
Frodo: Gandalf!
Balrog: Maybe I should unleash my fiery ass special effects.
Gandalf: Ho hum. I am a servant of the good fire and you¡¦re the bad guy. Ready to die?
Balrog: Hmm...still undaunted? How¡¦d you like a taste of the fiery sword?
Gandalf: Hi-ya! Take that ¡V and that! Yes!
Balrog: Damn it, you broke my best sword! For that you shall pay!
Gandalf: Go back to the shadow! You shall not pass!
He slams his staff on the bridge, which erupts a flash of white light.
Gandalf¡¦s Staff: Ow. Hard stone! And you know, this intimidating flash of white light will probably drain out the last of the batteries.
Balrog: Time for the whip, you saucy Wizard.
Gandalf: Galadriel, I hope you do not mean that in a sexual way.
Balrog: I¡¦m so offended ¡V whoa!
The bridge gives way and he drops into the chasm.
Balrog: I hope to Galadriel there¡¦s a trampoline at the bottom. Maybe my whip will catch on something convenient, like a jutting-out rock.
As Gandalf turns away, the whip hits his face.
Clever Parody Girl: Ooh, you got bitch slapped!!
It gets caught on his leg, dragging him down. He grasps onto the edge...The audience holds their breath...
Gandalf: Run, you dumbshite!
...And with that last word, lets go.
Will there really be a trampoline at the bottom of the pit? Is Gandalf really dead?!? Will the Uruks ever get to have their own names? As always, everything will be sorted out in Part 3...well, as much as it can for this movie. >> Onwards!
Gandalf: Run, you dumbshite!
And with that last word, lets go.
Will there really be a trampoline at the bottom of the pit? Is Gandalf really dead?!? Will the Uruks ever get to have their own names? As always, everything will be sorted out in Part 3...well, as much as it can for this movie. >> Onwards!
Audience: Nooooooooo!
Gandalf¡¦s Voice: Run, you slow swot-asses!
Frodo: Nooooooooooo!
Boromir: Man, that pisses me off. I¡¦ve gotta run.
He holds Frodo back, lifts him up and carries him outside like a child.
Boromir: Aragorn!
He dodges arrows shot by Orcs as he stares at the place where Gandalf was last seen. Then he turns and follows the others.
Orchestra Conductor: And now, Celtic flutes, please.
Outside, the remainder of the Fellowship escape from Moria into the sunlight. They collapse on the rocks outside with grief on each of their faces. Sam sits down with his head in his hands. Boromir tries to comfort a shocked-looking Gimli. Merry is crying while trying to comfort Pippin, who is in his lap grieving. Legolas looks slightly shocked yet very sad. A/N: I did not change anything to make it funny because it¡¦s so sad!
Aragorn: Legolas, get them up!
Audience: You insensitive bastard!
Boromir: Give them a moment, for pity¡¦s sake!
Audience: Listen to Boromir!
Aragorn: By nightfall these hills will be swarming with Orcs! We must reach the woods of Lothlorien. Gimli, Legolas, get them up!
Audience: Galadriel, at least Legolas is kinder with them than you are!
Aragorn: On your feet, Sam.
He picks him up.
Aragorn: Frodo? Frodo!
Frodo is away from the rest, taking his grief alone. He looks adorable! A/N: Nice eyebrow pencil!
After managing to pull Frodo away, Aragorn jogs across a cold stream.
Aragorn: Cold! Cold!
Boromir: You could have just used the bridge, dumb ass.
Gimli: Auch! I too would jog in the stream, but I fear my beard will become curly and frizzy.
Legolas: Man, you guys aren¡¦t worthy of my haunting Elvish song about Nimrodel.
Boromir: Good! [aside] Such a nancy Elf.
Cut to them running across the grass towards Lothlorien.
The Hobbits: Men and Dwarves. They make more noise than stomping deer.
Legolas: Ditto.
In Lothlorien, Frodo and Sam are walking along with Gimli into the wood of silver trees.
Gimli: Stay close, young Hobbits. They say a great sorceress lives here, an Elf-witch of terrible power. All those who look upon her fall under her spell, and are never seen again.
Frodo: An Elf-witch? Well, Sam will protect me and my good looks will disarm her.
Sam: More Elves? Bring it on!
Galadriel (v.o.): Oh, it¡¦s already been brought!
Pippin: I¡¦m sexy, I¡¦m cute, I¡¦m popular to boot!
Gimli: See, Pippin is already falling under her spell!
Galadriel (v.o.): Frodo. Your coming is like the footsteps of doom. You bring great evil here, Ringbearer.
Frodo: I hope whatever-that-was isn¡¦t referring to my eyebrow waxing kit.
Galadriel (v.o.): Oh, for the love of God ¡V I mean, me.
Gimli: Auch! This is one Dwarf she won¡¦t ensnare so easily! I have the eyes of a hawk and the ears of a fox!
He finds himself face-to-face with an arrow. Suddenly they are surrounded by Elves with drawn bows.
Legolas: These are my kindred, but Company policy requires that I draw my bow in defense.
Elven Extra: Fair enough.
Ghetto Elven Extra: Yeah, but he ain¡¦t part of our posse, yo.
Haldir: The Dwarf breathes so loud we could have shot him in the dark.
Gimli: Auch!
Aragorn: Haldir of Lorien.
Haldir: Uh, yeah.
Aragorn: We have come for help.
Haldir: Obviously.
Aragorn: We need your protection.
Haldir: What you just said.
Aragorn: Oh, shut up!
Gimli: Aragorn, these woods are perilous! We should go back! Auch!
Haldir: You have entered the realm of the Lady of the Wood. You cannot go back. Come. She is awaiting Frodo¡¦s secret stash of aromatherapy goods and Sam¡¦s special gardener¡¦s hand cream. And I am afraid your Dwarf will need to be blindfolded.
Gimli: Auch! Anger and indignation arising to the surface!
Haldir: Your face will probably scare away all of the silver trees on your way.
Gimli: Only if Legolas is blindfolded too!
Legolas: No way! I¡¦m an Elf who needs some poetic inspiration from the silver trees! And I¡¦m pretty.
Haldir: Will you settle for a bag on your head?
Fellowship: No!
Peter Jackson: We¡¦ll just skip to the next scene. Cate Blanchett¡¦s about to use rubber cement for her fake nails!
Everyone: Run!
Cut to entering the Elven city in the trees, where the Fellowship is brought before Celeborn and Galadriel.
Pippin: Shouldn¡¦t we be seeing that chick Krista from Fern Gully?
Merry: She¡¦s a sprite with wings who¡¦s about the size of your big toe, Pip.
Pippin: Never mind!
Celeborn: Eight there are here yet nine there were set out from Rivendell tell me where is Gandalf for I much desired to speak with him.
Galadriel: Please excuse my husband¡¦s attempts at Yoda-like speech.
Aragorn: So is that what Arwen will be like?
Galadriel: No, because she¡¦s got my genes!
Aragorn: Phew.
Galadriel: Now Celeborn, Gandalf has fallen into shadow. Go run and play.
Celeborn: Then alright.
Galadriel: Now then, time for my mystical-sounding speech. The quest stands on the edge of a knife. Stray but a little and it will fail, to the ruin of all. Yet hope remains as long as the Company is true. Do not let your hearts be troubled. Go now, and rest, for you are weary with sorrow and much toil. Tonight you shall sleep in peace.
Frodo: Dum-de-dum-doo-doo...
Galadriel: Welcome, Frodo of the Shire.
Frodo: Yo.
Galadriel: One who has seen the Eye!
Her eyes widen.
Frodo: Aaah! Her eyes are bluer than mine!
They camp in a little pavilion on the ground. Legolas, dressed in silvery-white, holds a pitcher and listens to the funky haunting music in the background.
Enya¡¦s Agent: Hello? Yeah, get me in touch with the Lothlorien Elven Orchestra. She¡¦d love to perform with you guys.
Legolas: A lament for Gandalf.
Legolas Lovers: Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh! He spoke!
Merry: What do they say about him?
Legolas: I have not the heart to tell you. For me the grief is still too near.
Legolas Lovers: Sigh...
Aragorn: Take some rest, Boromir. You¡¦re going to need it ¡V I saw two Elvish girls staring at you.
Boromir: I shall find no rest here. Can I blather to you about my city?
Aragorn: Sure. [cough] Your city.
Boromir: One day, our paths will lead us there and the tower guard will take up the call, ¡¥the lords of Gondor have returned!¡¦ Wa-hoo!
Aragorn: I¡¦m making no promises because we all know you¡¦re going to die. Now that¡¦s something to cheer about!
That night, Galadriel walks to the ground. Frodo wakes up and follows her to a basin on a pillar.
Frodo: Hmm...where¡¦s Sam? Oh well, I need some time with me and my good looks.
Galadriel: Will you look in the mirror?
Frodo: Oh, I know what I will see ¡V last Lithe¡¦s Mr. Shire! Great decor, by the way.
Galadriel: Silver and white are what it¡¦s all about. Order online at WETA or Pier 1 Imports.
Movie Critic In Disguise: Product placement. Wait a second ¡V what about shipping and handling?
Frodo: Hey, what¡¦s this? A basin! Thanks, I¡¦ve been holding it in all night!
Galadriel: Whoops!
She fills it up with water from a silver urn.
Galadriel: Just do your business in the corner, will you?
Frodo: Gotcha. But I think I can hold it in long enough.
Galadriel: Suit yourself. Just don¡¦t start doing a dance.
Frodo: It¡¦s so sexy no one will even suspect. Now then, is this a hint that I need to take a bath?
Galadriel: Er, no. This is my mirror, the Mirror of Galadriel. Will you look into it?
Frodo: What happens when it rains? Doesn¡¦t your reflection get all rippled? Or is this an alternative to regular mirrors, because they crack when they see your face?
Galadriel: No! Not even the wisest can say, for the mirror shows many things that are not faces.
Frodo: Damn it!
Galadriel: But they show things that are, things that were, and some things that have not yet ¡V
Audience: Oh, get on with it!
Frodo looks into the ¡§mirror¡¨ and sees Legolas.
Legolas Lovers: Whoooo!
He then sees Merry and Pippin, and Sam. There is the Shire, and then the Shire being invaded and burnt by Orcs. Sam is in chains. Sauron¡¦s Eye appears and the Ring pulls Frodo towards its image in the basin.
Frodo: Ack! Must...resist...
He smacks himself backwards and onto the ground.
Galadriel: Smooth.
Frodo: Oh, shut up!
Galadriel: Then I know what it is you saw ¡V
Frodo: Yeah, I saw you sneak a big long glance. Don¡¦t pretend you¡¦re all-powerful and all-knowing.
Galadriel: You shut up now! I¡¦m, like, the equivalent of God in Middle-Earth.
Frodo: Okay, go on.
Galadriel: It is what will come to pass if you fail. The Fellowship is breaking. It has already begun. That Gondorian bitch will try to take the Ring. One by one, it will destroy them all.
Frodo: I feel compelled to offer the Ring to you, since you are all-powerful.
Audience: Boo! Hypocrite!
Galadriel: You give it to me freely. Damn you, I wanted to bribe and threaten!
Frodo: So...you do really want it?
Galadriel: Yeah, but it¡¦d be just lying around somewhere in the grass.
Then, a freakish dark light comes over her as she feels the power of the Ring.
Ring: Whoa! Dude! I¡¦m stronger than I thought!
Galadriel: Instead of Sauron, you will have me! [blather blather] Mwahhahaahahah!
Frodo: Okay, you¡¦re freakier than I was when I got that cut from the Ringwraiths.
Galadriel: You were supposed to be freaky? I thought you were having a cold!
Frodo: For the love of Galadriel! I mean, you. Yeah.
Galadriel: Give me the Ring!
Frodo: Would you like some beauty supplies and mud masks instead?
Galadriel returns to normal.
Galadriel: Sure ¡V fair trade for the Ring any day.
Frodo: Then I cannot do this alone.
Galadriel: What about Sam?
Frodo: No, he¡¦s, like, permanently attached to my leg and doesn¡¦t count as an individual.
Galadriel: You are a Ringbearer, Frodo. To bear it is to be alone. This task was appointed to you, and if you do not find a way, no one will.
Ring: I¡¦m guessing I¡¦m stuck with them until the end, eh?
Frodo: Are you just being nice and giving us little Hobbits a chance to destroy it?
Galadriel: Yeah, and plus we cool important people get to stay alive and control Middle-Earth.
Frodo: Then I know what I must do. It¡¦s just¡KI¡¦m afraid to do it.
Galadriel: Let me give you some advice, Frodo.
Audience: It¡¦s Her Big Line!
Galadriel: Actually, no. It¡¦s a tip from a beautiful person ¡V when all else fails, use your adorability to your advantage.
Frodo: Gotcha. Now for The Line!
Movie Critic In Disguise: Hold it, I need my notebook and fountain pen!
Galadriel: Here goes: Even the smallest person can change the course of the future.
Audience: Oh Galadriel, how beautiful!
Small Audience Members: You said it, girl!
In Isengard, Saruman is talking to the Uruk-Hai.
Audience: Finally, some civilized speech from evil monsters!
Uruk-Hai: Excuse me, I would please not like to be referred to as a monster. Creatures is more correct.
Audience: Do you have a degree?
Uruk-Hai: Graduated from WETA Underground with honors.
Saruman: You creep me out and also annoy me with your political correctness and genius.
Uruk-Hai: But I serve you, right?
Saruman: Yup. So, do you know how Orcs first came into being?
Uruk-Hai: They were Elves once, taken by the dark powers; tortured, mutilated.
Saruman: Stop taking my lines! Anyway, I have perfected the botched Orc recipe to make you Uruk-Hai.
Uruk-Hai: Do I have a name other than Uruk-Hai?
Saruman: No.
Uruk-Hai: This society sucks! I want individuality.
Saruman: Let¡¦s see¡KI have the names Boz, Lug-Burtz, and Luz.
Uruk-Hai: How about Rilke?
Saruman: What the Mordor is Rilke?
Uruk-Hai: She¡¦s a renowned poet and writer.*
Saruman: No poets or writers! You¡¦re not an Elf. Oh, wait¡K
Uruk-Hai: How about Zephyr? Odysseus? Draco? Arthur? Elijah? Orlando? Viggo? Sean? Billy? Dom -
Saruman: No!
Cut to Saruman addressing the entire army of Uruk-Hai.
Saruman: Hunt them down, and then you can eat them!
Uruk-Hai Army: Ewwww...I mean, rowr! Growl!
Saruman: Bring me back Gandalf, because I have had it with everyone forwarding his messages to Isengard while he tramps about Middle-Earth! And if you can¡¦t find him ¡V he has this excuse about being dead in Moria ¡V bring back a halfling, alive and unspoiled. Kill the others for your amusement.
Head Uruk-Hai: You¡¦re so cruel! I refuse to do your bidding!
Saruman: Deal with it, bucko! Now, off you go!
The Uruk-Hai army runs off.
Orcs: Get a haircut, fuzzy heads!
Meanwhile, the Fellowship leaves Lothlorien in three small boats. Frodo has a flashback of Galadriel giving him the light of Earendil. They paddle down the river.
The Fellowship comes to a bend in the river when Aragorn calls Frodo¡¦s attention.
Frodo: Eh?
Aragorn: Look! The Argonath! Long have I desired to look upon the kings of old, my kin.
They see two statues of men in armor flanking the river. Their left hands are outstretched, as if to say ¡¥halt.¡¦ And in fact...
The Argonath: Stop!
Fellowship: Eh?
The Argonath: Stop! In the name of love! Before you break my heart!
Aragorn is singing along with them.
Legolas: And you say I nance?
Boromir: That¡¦s not nancing. But it¡¦s an excuse for his odd behavior.
The Fellowship goes past them into a lake, where they can beach their boats.
Aragorn: We cross at nightfall, hide the boats and continue on foot. We need our exercise. Anyone who needs to shave, do it now!
Hobbits and Legolas: Not us!
Aragorn: I get your point.
Gimli: Can I rant about the rest of our route?
Aragorn: Well, my only response to that is that you should take some rest and recover strength.
Gimli: Auch! Recover my...! Auch! Indignant!
Legolas: We should leave now.
Aragorn: No. Now is the time for relaxation, drunkenness, and getting high. Sor-ry if you can¡¦t do that, impatient nancer.
Legolas: Wow, I¡¦m actually feeling some anger. And how dare you call me a nancer!
Aragorn: Well, I¡¦m on the ¡§high road¡¨ now, so I think you were born a nancer!
Legolas: If I wasn¡¦t an Elf, I would curse.
Aragorn: See, you are such a nancy girl!
Legolas: All right, then! Son of a diddly!
Simpsons Fans: Oh my Galadriel, he did a Flanders impression! That was ¡¥hi-larious¡¦**!
Aragorn: What¡¦s the big deal about the eastern shore, yo?
Legolas: Something draws near. I can feel it.
Aragorn: Damn pipe weed! No flavor left! Hey, where¡¦s Frodo?
Camera zooms in on a shield lying on the ground.
Orchestra: Dun-dun-dunnnnn!
Aragorn: Ohhh, shit.
Frodo is walking in the forest and is found by Boromir, who is gathering firewood.
Boromir: None of us should wander alone.
Frodo: You¡¦re doing it.
Boromir: Well, you least of all, since I am here to take the Ring!
Ring: Crap. I knew this would happen!
Frodo: You are not yourself, so I think every word you say is a piece of crap!
Boromir: I only want the strength to defend my people! If you would but lend me the Ring...
Frodo: Defend when you have the strength of five Men?
Boromir: Uh, yeah.
Frodo: Yeah, [cough] lend you the Ring.
Boromir: Anger arising in me! What chance do you think you have? It is not yours save by a mere chance. It¡¦s mine! Give it to me!
Frodo: Not on your life!
He puts on the Ring and disappears with a parting kick.
Boromir: Oof! Damned invisibility! Now I know how everyone in Harry Potter must feel. Ranting and raving!
He trips and falls, and recovers himself.
Boromir: Oh, did my bad side set in at the wrong time again? Yes, it did! Damned schizophrenia! Frodo? Frodo? I¡¦m sorry! Come here for a big fat bear hug, Frodo!
Frodo runs through the freakish shadow world. He hides on a stone platform and sees the Eye.
Sauron: Hey, got any Visine?
Frodo freaks out and falls off the platform. *Whumpf.* He takes off the Ring and reappears. Aragorn arrives.
Aragorn: Frodo?
Frodo: It has taken Boromir.
Aragorn: Where is the Ring?
Audience: Not you too, Aragorn!
Frodo: Stay away, you schizo!
Aragorn: Frodo ¡V I swore to protect you!
Frodo: Can you protect me from yourself?...Or would you destroy it?
Ring: You know you want me, Aragorn, Isildur¡¦s Heir. You can¡¦t resist my sexiness!
Aragorn: No. I would have gone with you to the end, into the very fires of Mordor.
Frodo: I know. Take care of the others, especially Sam. Find him someone to get attached to.
Aragorn: Merry or Pippin can do the job. Okay, Sting is glowing blue. Go! Run! Run!
Head Uruk-Hai: Find the halflings! Find the halflings!
Aragorn raises up his sword and then begins to fight a Mordor of a lot of Orcs. Legolas and Gimli soon join him for the ending action scene. When one Orc gets too close to him, Leggy stabs him with an arrow and fits it into his bow to kill one farther away.
Frodo runs away and sees Merry and Pippin hiding in the shrubbery. They motion to him, but he shakes his head resolutely.
Pippin: What¡¦s he doing?
Merry: He¡¦s leaving.
Pippin: No! Then that leaves me to be adorable and Sam to be infatuated!
Pippin runs out from his hiding place and is spotted by the Uruk-Hai. Merry follows.
Merry: Run, Frodo. Go.
He waves his arms at the approaching ones.
Merry: Hey, you, over here, this way!
Uruk-Hai Army: Oh, how wonderful ¡V some friendly halflings are inviting us for a game of Follow the Leader!
Pippin: It¡¦s working!
Merry: I know it¡¦s working, run! Oh crap, more ahead.
Boromir: Heeeerrreee I come to ssaavvee the daaayyyy for my best Hobbit friends!
He runs in defending them from the Uruk-Hai for his own action scene.
Aragorn and Legolas are the ones mainly being shown fighting. Legolas is shooting at the Uruk-Hai and doesn¡¦t let any of ¡¥em get close! Then the Horn of Gondor is heard resounding through the woods and he turns.
Legolas: The Horn of Gondor!
Gimli: Auch! Of all people, who would have thought that he would blow his own Horn?
Legolas: How long did it take you to come up with that perverted joke?
Gimli: About three hours!
Legolas: Go Gim!
Aragorn runs past them towards the sound.
Boromir blows his Horn...er, still doesn¡¦t sound right...and gets shot three times by a particularly vicious Uruk-Hai while the Uruk-Hai army kidnap Merry and Pippin, who practically jump into their arms while trying to defend and avenge buddy Boromir. The Uruk-Hai raises his bow before Aragorn throws himself onto it for another action-packed fighting scene.
Aragorn: Phew. Thank Galadriel he¡¦s gone. Boooorrrrroooomiiiiiiiirrrr!
Boromir: They took the little ones.
Aragorn: Lay still.
Boromir: Frodo. Where is Frodo?
Aragorn: I let Frodo go.
Boromir: Then you did what I could not. I tried to take the Ring from him.
Aragorn: Well, that explains his haste! But the Ring is beyond our reach now and even though you are part evil I will honor you as a hero.
Boromir: I truly have Isildur¡¦s blood in my veins!
Aragorn: Oh yeah, I agree!
Boromir: Forgive me. I did not see it. I have failed you all.
Aragorn: No, Boromir. You fought bravely. You have kept your honor.
Aragorn: Let me pull out one of those arrows for you; we could use them.
Boromir: Leave it! It¡¦s over. Men will fail, and I won¡¦t be there to see it. Sayonara, suckers!
Aragorn: I swear I will not let the White City ¡V Gondor ¡V fall, or the blood of our people fail.
Boromir: Wahoo! Our people. Our people. Just explain to my dad that you¡¦re not my lover, ok?
Aragorn: Sure. Oh, and here¡¦s your sword.
Boromir: I would have followed you. My brother.
Audience: Oh!
Boromir: My captain.
Audience: Oh!
Boromir: My king!
Audience: [dissolving into tears] Oh my God!
Boromir dies, and Aragorn kisses him on the forehead.
Aragorn: Be at peace, son of Gondor.
Frodo is on the shore by the boats, with the Ring in his hand and tears in his eyes. Flashback.
Frodo: I wish the Ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.
Gandalf: So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All you have to decide is what to do with the time that is given you.
Frodo regains his resolution, puts the Ring away and jumps into the boat. Sam arrives.
Sam: Mr. Frodo! Frodo!
Frodo: Must forget that he called me by my name only. No, Sam.
Sam starts wading in, and Frodo changes to sentimentality.
Frodo: Go back, Sam! I¡¦m going to Mordor, alone.
Sam: Of course you are, and I¡¦m coming with you.
Audience: Oh my God!
Sam continues on and tries to swim.
Frodo: You can¡¦t swim! Sam!
He tries to, but fails and goes down. He tries to get back to the surface, but soon looks rigid.
Sam: Glub, glub...
Frodo: Sam!
Sam¡¦s hand is limp and reaching towards the surface, when suddenly a powerful surge of water brings Frodo¡¦s hand down. He grabs Sam¡¦s wrist, and Sam¡¦s hand closes around his and he is pulled into the boat, wet. Frodo has tears in his eyes.
Sam: I made a promise, Mr. Frodo. A promise. Don¡¦t you leave him, Samwise Gamgee, and I don¡¦t mean to...I don¡¦t mean to.
Frodo: Oh, Sam. Come on.
They hug.
Audience: Oh my God, stop, it¡¦s too much for us all!
Movie Critic In Disguise: I¡¦m not crying...Oh, what the hell, I am! Sob, sob, bawl!
They paddle across the lake.
Frodo: Row, row, row your boat ¡V
Sam: Gently down the stream ¡V
Frodo: Hey, what¡¦s that?
A boat bearing Boromir and his possessions whizzes by and floats over the waterfall.
Sam: I think that was Boromir. Poor guy.
Aragorn fixes something on his bloody arm, while Legolas pushes the remaining boat onto the water.
Legolas: Hurry! Frodo and Sam have reached the eastern shore!...Okay, you¡¦re not moving. Wait a second...You mean not to follow them.
Aragorn: Frodo¡¦s fate no longer rests in our hands.
Gimli: Then it was all in vain. The Fellowship has failed.
Aragorn: Not as long as we remain true to each other. We will not abandon Merry and Pippin to torment and death. Not while we have strength left. Leave all that can be spared behind. From now on, we travel light. Let¡¦s go hunt some Orc!
Legolas: Bring it on!
Gimli: Auch! Ditto!
They exchange a glance, and smiling run after Aragorn.
Frodo and Sam are out of the forest and are on a mountain-thing.
Frodo: Mordor. I hope the others find a safer road.
Sam: Strider will take care of them.
Frodo: I don¡¦t suppose we¡¦ll ever see them again.
Sam: We may yet, Mr. Frodo. We may yet.
Frodo: Sam, I¡¦m glad you¡¦re with me ¡V for infatuation, companionship, a scapegoat, and someone to complain to.
Movie Critic In Disguise: LOTR Oscar contender! But I¡¦m not gonna see The Two Towers with this audience!
Audience: Yeah, we don¡¦t want to see it with any of you guys either! We can¡¦t survive three hours with you!
Notes
*Rilke is a poet from the twentieth century, so we can assume my version of the Uruk-Hai are really smart.
**Hi-larious is from The Simpsons, which Mr. Burns usually says.
Well, I hope you enjoyed that. Even with the distinctive absence of shirtless Legolas. Next up: Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (T3) parody script. Expect more of the liquored-up Ringwraiths, Frodo and Sam TOGETHER, everyone still getting freaked out over Gandalf and the Dwarves, and best of all ¡V the Audience!, including the Legolas Lovers. (Expect more fangirliness.)
Thanks goes to Elisabeth Kerrigan at Awesome Movie Scripts, who transcribed the script I used for reference. W/out it this would never have been possible...because who can remember all those lines?
This Parody is not for sale (well, maybe for $100,000).