So you're a guy. You wanna decorate, 'cos you've got an artistic side, but you don't want the guys to think that you're... you know... sissy. What do you do?

You do this.

First, pick a color, any nice color. Orange is nice. It's bright and it's one of the hip new colors. But don't pick one of the light girly oranges—get a good, thick, dirty orange, the kind of orange that heavy factory equipment turns when it's been out on the floor for a long time. A manly orange.

Then set up your bed. Your bed's the most important piece of furniture in the room—it's where you prove your manhood! Don't get a headboard, though, because headboards are girly. Instead, emphasize your bed with something manly, like the bigass hairy skin of a dead animal. A cow! Get a cowhide! Or even better ('cos cows are girls), get a steerhide! Can't tell the difference? Neither can your friends. Tell 'em it's a steer.

Make sure it's a big steer.

Now remember, rooms are supposed to have three colors in them. Black and brown don't always count. So pick some other way to get some color in. Rugs are a nice way; get a good tufty, flat rug in orange and blue checks. (Blue is opposite orange on the color wheel, so it's a high-contrast scheme. High-contrast schemes are manly.) The rug has a line of maroon in it, so get something to pull the maroon and the blue together. Maybe a coverlet. A coverlet in vaguely tribal patterns ('cos tribes are manly), with maroon and electric purple as a ground.

Wait, that purple was supposed to be blue.

Oh, never mind. Besides, too much matching means that you spent a lot of time decorating, and decorating is something only women and sissies do. And you're not a sissy. You're artistic. And manly. The proof of your manliness is that the colors on the coverlet both clash with the orange on the wall, and clashing is the highest kind of contrast there is. You rule!

Now add a really small end table, since if you get a bigger end table then that means you have to decorate it. Stick an IKEA lamp and some old paperbacks on it. Then get a really, really tall lamp for the other side of the bed, something that looks like it belongs outdoors. The outdoors is manly!

Looks kinda empty, though, doesn't it? get some art. Doesn't have to be pretty art. In fact, it's better if it's ugly art, because pretty things are girly. If you can't find enough ugly art at Goodwill, sit down with some charcoal and a crayon and make your own. Tack it up over the IKEA lamp to, y'know, turn the lamp into a display and all. Clustering is in.

That cow—steerhide's lookin' kinda bare? Yeah, I agree. Definitely needs something. How about a black-and-white photograph? An artsy one? (It can be artsy if it's black-and-white.) How about an artsy black-and-white photograph of a headless, mole-spotted man's ass, poised to take a squat right over your pillow?

Yeah!

That'll show the guys.

The photograph comes from page 185 of Extravagance: The World of
Whimsical Interiors.