Let's first draw a distinction between "hearing" and "listening." Hearing is simply taking in sound, and is a natural, automatic process. Listening, however, is a learned process, and includes paying attention, processing the sensory data coming in, and remembering it.

Since listening has to be learned, and since we learn from those around us, if we have good listening models, we will probably turn out to be effective listeners. If we have poor models we may or may not be effective listeners.

How many of you parents and grandparents actually take time to teach your children and students effective listening habits? I don't mean just saying, "Now listen to me." I mean teaching them ways to pay attention, process the data, and remember it.

THE PRACTICE OF LISTENING: ACTIVE LISTENING

Active Listening is a useful way of listening whenever you are getting directions, having an argument, or listening to someone's problem. Your focus as the listener is on the speaker, and you provide an active mirror to reflect an understanding of what the other person is meaning and feeling.

There are three techniques in Active Listening.

First, paraphrase, or summarize in your own words, what the person has just said. Don't be a parrot; just summarize briefly.

Second, express an acceptance of the other's feelings, if they seem important.

Third, ask non-threatening questions in order to find out more information and encourage the other to fully express their feelings and ideas.

This technique must be practiced regularly to become effective. It isn't natural, so the first time or two may seem stiff and awkward, but with consistent practice, it will become more natural, and the results will be well worth the effort.

LISTENING TO CHILDREN

Good advice on how to listen to children: "Listen to children's comments with respect,” Don’t be patronizing or bossy; it will just turn kids off."

Some specific ways are, "To help your child be a better listener, try these steps: Stop what you're doing, look at your child and listen fully when she speaks. Ask questions. This not only shows you're listening, but also that you are interested in what your child has to say. Play games that encourage listening, such as Simon Says or, for older children, Trivial Pursuit."

LISTEN: A POEM

When I ask you to listen to me
and you start giving me advice
you have not done what I asked.

When I ask you to listen to me
and you begin to tell me why I shouldn't feel that way,
you are trampling on my feelings.

When I ask you to listen to me
and you feel you have to do something to solve my problems
you have failed me, strange, as that may seem.

Listen! All I asked was that you listen -
not to talk or do - just hear me.
Advice is cheap: 10 cents will get you both Dear Abby and
Billy Graham in the same newspaper. And I can do for myself;
I'm not helpless.
Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.

When you do something for me that I can and need to do
for myself, you contribute to my fear and weakness.

But, when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel,
no matter how irrational, then I can quit trying to convince
you and can get about the business of understanding what's
behind this irrational feeling.
And when that's clear, the answers are obvious
and I don't need advice.
Irrational feelings make sense when we understand what's behind them.

So please listen and just hear me. And, if you want to
talk, wait a minute for your turn; and I'll listen to you.

Anonymous

Source: 4-Star Listening Post, Teman Johnson