Infomercial: Bad Breath (Thanks to Kelly for this!) :-) |
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Drew:....they’re gonna be two guys in an infomercial trying to sell a new miracle product and they have to use the items in the box to help sell the product that I’m gonna give ‘em. What I need from the audience is a personal problem you might have that would be improved by a miracle product. (audience shouts various things) Bad breath. Bad breath. We’re gonna use bad breath as the..uh..problem, and you have to use all these items in the box to cure bad breath. Take it away Ryan and Colin...... Ryan: Hey! It’s 4:00 and time to Shop, Shop, Shop! Colin: Does your breath stink? Ryan: We can smell you through the cameras. C: You need help my friend. R: Yeah, breath mints and gum do the trick for a little while, but to really alleviate that awful smell, have we got something for you. C: We have come up with a program that will destroy your bad breath and it will never return because it will be to afraid to go into your mouth. R: That’s right Colin. (Pulls item out of box---goggles w/ a snorkel attached) You’re not gonna need one of these anymore with bad breath. C: That’s right! R: Aren’t you tired of blowing your bad breath up in the air? You won’t have to! C: (pulls a small Canadian flag out of the box) I’m Canadian. (throws the flag & picks up new item) R: Hey Col, what’s that? It looks like something magnified 1,000 times. C: That’s right! These are bad breath molecules. Notice how they like to stick together cause stink clumps. What happens is, it comes out the mouth, and wafts to an.... R: Whew! Whew! Does that smell! Bad! C: That’s right! And believe me, you don’t need a nose that big to smell it. (puts down item) R: (picks up new item—a hamster wheel) Now, lets show you how this tool works. Colin, stick out your tongue, will ya? (Colin sticks out his tongue and Ryan spins the wheel just above it) We take the bad breath off the tongue....(Ryan is having trouble holding the wheel and spinning it at the same time) This will work when you buy it....taking the....scraping all the bad things off your tongue (Ryan sniffs the wheel). Eew! (Both have “yucky” looks on their faces) R: Breathe on me now Col. (Colin blows in his face) Oooo! A bed of roses. C: (Colin takes the next item out of the box—it looks kinda like two bright green bird feet) R: Huh.... C: What could these have to do with bad breath? (shrugs) Who knows? (puts them in other box) R: (gets new item–it’s kinda like huge orange tweezers. sort of) Hey Col.....you know, sometimes to use the gerbil wheel (covers mouth w/ hand) I mean, “Bad Breath Scraper”, a lot of people don’t wanna stick out their tongue for that. That’s where this comes in handy. (Puts the thing up to Colin’s mouth and pulls his tongue out with it) That’s right! Open up wide!! (flaps the thing around before putting it down) I like that! (Colin picks up new item–a red reflector) C: Now to make sure your bad breath is going away, use the bad breath indicator. Ryan? R: Huh? C: Breathe. R: (blows on the reflector) Oh.... C. If it doesn’t change color, your breath smells great. If it turns black, GET HELP RIGHT AWAY!!! R: (picks up a blue reflector) Hey, we’ll even throw in one of these. Colin, I’m pregnant. (Both laugh. Ryan puts reflectors in the other box and searches through the first box for a new item) R: Ahh.... C: (picks up a really long green ropey thing) Sometimes, if you have a really bad breath problem, we have to actually root it out. Ryan? R: Yes? C: Swallow this entire thing. R: Alright. (Acts like he’s putting it down his throat. Colin walks around behind him and starts it out his butt) C: It goes through the entire body... R: Oh... (About 15 seconds of Ryan swallowing this thing and Colin pulling it out his butt) (Drew buzzes. Guys walk back to their seats. Both laughing. Ryan looks slightly embarrassed.) Drew: And of course we’ll be selling that mess after the show for 5 dollars a ticket. (Ryan sighs) Drew: (laughs) Thousand points apiece. Great job. Ryan: Whew! That went right though me. THE END |
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