Elisabeth found herself looking at the clock again for about the hundreth time that day. Time was dragging my so slowly, and yet there weren’t enough hours in the day for Elisabeth at the moment.
Her whole Saturday had been completely ruined. All her time
she’d spent worrying about; thinking about, and still being completely stunned
by Steve.
She still couldn’t believe how he’d left her last night-
the way he’d left her, in those circumstances. She’d thought he was being so
kind, so kind and understanding; listening to what she was saying and
respecting all her wishes… but he hadn’t been listening to her at all.
When she said she wasn’t ready: she meant she wasn’t ready
for sex at all just yet. But he’d just taken that ‘yet’ as that night, and he’d
come again the next night. She didn’t mean the next night- she meant probably
next month! And that was at the earliest! God- why did he demand so much from
her?? Why didn’t he understand…
After he’d left her last night in the kitchen, with the
horrific message, ‘I’ll be back tomorrow night then’, she’d just stood in the
kitchen for about 5 minutes, slowly coming around to what was happening to her.
Not a few moments ago she had thought Steve was the most wonderful
person on the earth. Now she was just left feeling shaken and thrown by what
he’d said to her. How could he want so much from her? And so quickly?
Had he known that she didn’t want sex at all that weekend,
but still said it anyway just to persuade her even more? Or had he really taken
what she’d said that way?
Elisabeth doubted it. He knew what he wanted and was
determined to get it, and what she said and felt wasn’t going to get in the way
of that.
And that scared her- did he care about her at all?
Did he just want…
Elisabeth sighed. She didn’t want to think that; it hurt
too much. And she didn’t believe it either- he must care about her a
little- surely! Probably not love; but she didn’t expect love- she just wanted
him to care about her enough to not push her into doing things she really
didn’t want to do..
And last night… had she really been that blind not to see
what he was thinking? That all the time she’d thought he’s been understanding,
he’d just been scheduling their little rendezvous for the next night?
Was she really that stupid? That credulous? That was what
she felt like. She’d just been given the hand of the school bully to shake, and
she’d taken it gratefully, and they’d just pulled her over into the biggest,
muddiest puddle.
She felt really let down and betrayed by him.
But maybe she deserved it. After all… how on earth would
Becky feel if she’d found out about the two of them.
Maybe Elisabeth had deserved this slap in the face.
She just couldn’t help feeling hurt, that’s all.
She hadn’t slept very well. She’d had a rough night,
plagued with dreams about Steve coming round and coming onto her, and she was
too weak to resist him, and he’d forced himself too much into her privacy, and…
They were bad dreams. But she was so worried about tonight-
how would she be able to foil him off this time?
He wouldn’t take no for an answer. He didn’t get it.
She hadn’t been able to do anything all day- just sitting
there, fretting away about tonight. Looking at the clock, it ticked away,
evening drawing ever closer.
Elisabeth wanted to escape. The house was awful without
Becky, all she was left with were her own thoughts and they were slowly driving
her insane. She wanted to jump into her car and just drive. Drive further and
further away from all of her problems, and never, ever come back.
But… she just couldn’t. where was the logic in running
away? All it made her look was hollow.
She needed help, God she needed help. She didn’t feel as
though she could hold Steve off anymore, and she’d end up doing something she
didn’t want to.
Then a sudden thought crossed her mind.
Paul.
Paul could help her.
He’d said if she ever needed to talk, he’d be there for
her. And she needed him now: really badly.
She didn’t know his number, but she tried to think if anyone
had called the house since he had on Thursday night- and she couldn’t think of
any- so if she dialed call back, she could get his number… couldn’t she? And
then phone him. It was kinda desperate… but God, she didn’t care.
Grabbing the phone, she dialed 1471 and scribbled the
number down that had called her home last Thursday at 8.33pm.
Mobile number alright; okay, she had his mobile number. She
just had to call him now.
Oh God… she hoped calling him would be okay. Not hassling
him or anything… she’d already dialed the number before she remembered he’d
caught a plane on Thursday night. Oh no! would he even be there? Would
he be busy? Would-
The phone was ringing.
Elisabeth took a sharp intake of breath and just hoped
everything would be okay when he picked up.
It rang for a few moments, and then picked up, and she
heard his voice.
“Hey, Paul speaking…”
“Paul!” She cried, relief flooding her voice.
“… sorry- too busy to talk to you right now, but you know
how it is, someone has to bring some talent to this group! So leave a message
and I’ll get back to ya later, kay?”
then the beep came on.
Elisabeth relief was replaced with sheer disappointment as
the voicemail message ended, and she was left to leave a message.
She opened her mouth to leave one, but the words seemed to
catch in her throat and she just breathed a little before slamming the phone
down.
She couldn’t do it.
How could she bother him like this? He was probably on a
weekend break somewhere- maybe even on holiday. It could even be something to do
with his work… whatever he did.
Again- there was something weird about him, mentioned in
the message: ‘someone has to bring some talent to this group’? what the hell
was all that about?
She felt sad not having spoken to Paul, but just hearing
his voice… it had been nice for just a moment. Made her feel safe; but now it
was gone again, and all her terrified thoughts came back.
It was nearly 6 o’clock now. Time had dragged too
fast for Elisabeth. He’d be here soon- she had no idea when, he’d just turn up
again out of the blue like he had last night, on her doorstep.
Maybe she could hide. Turn all of the lights off, and run
and hide upstairs until he’d gone.
But God Elisabeth, why are you being so crazy?!!
Just face the guy- tell him he’s not sleeping with you- be firm; stand up for
yourself. It can’t be hard, can it?
But it was- that was the problem. Losing Steve… she
couldn’t, she couldn’t! but why did she have to do this to keep him?!! Why- this?
Sex?!! It was too much.
Bursting into tears, and putting her head into her hands,
she cried wretchedly to herself. “I hate my life! Why did I have to do
this to myself?!”
She sat there crying for what seemed like ages, totally
feeling sorry for herself, but not being able to stop.
She finally pulled herself together after a while, dragged
herself off to the bedroom, washed her face, gave herself a good talking to and
regained as much of herself as possible. Trying to say a few words of
confidence to herself to try and get through the night, she went downstairs and
made herself a glass of water.
It was dark outside now- and man, the house was so quiet.
She didn’t like it being this quiet.
Music- she needed music.
She went into the lounge and put on the best feel good
music she could think of- good old James Brown. He had such a laidback voice.
Elisabeth loved jazz and the blues; she remembered going to all the jazz
festivals when she was younger with her friends and having such a good time.
Music liked this reminded her of the good times, the happy times, they soothed
her aching soul, and freed her mind just a little bit.
But then she heard thw worst noise of all.
A knock at the door.
She immediately turned the music off, and sat in the
lounge, shaking, flinching everytime the knock came.
He was here. It was him. On her doorstep.
The knocking came faster, more impatient.
She had to get it.
She slowly got up, and whispering more useless confidence
to herself, she made her way to the door, unlocked it, and then opened it.
A bunch of yellow and white carnations greeted her, and she
just stared at them shocked, before Steve’s head appeared from behind them and
he grinned at her.
“These are for the most beautiful in the world!” He said.
She just looked up at him, and the flowers he was holding
for her, and she couldn’t help her heart beating fast, feeling immensely
touched by it all. They were so beautiful! And there he was, looking so
gorgeous again.
He was wearing black trousers, a white shirt and red jacket
and he looked fantastic. She hadn’t dressed up or anything; she didn’t feel the
need to. This wasn’t a special occasion!! This was a nightmare!
“Here- take them,” he said, holding them out, and she took
them hesitantly off him, and they smelt really sweet and their redolence made
her eyes water.
He stepped into the house and closed the door behind him,
and Elisabeth shielded herself behind the mass of yellow and white, protecting
herself.
“I guess I just wanna show you how much you mean to me- how
important tonight is for me,” he told her, and she just gulped, thinking don’t
talk about tonight.
She walked away from him into the lounge, concentrating on
smelling her flowers, burying herself into looking at them, diverting her from
the real problem- Steve.
He chatted away to her, his tone genial; not seeming to
have any thoughts about last night at all. In fact, he didn’t mention it once,
he just kept on about how much he wanted tonight to happen. She felt kinda
sickened by it all, but just clutched her flowers tight and concentrated on how
nice they looked.
She felt his hand on hers. “Put them down now, Liz,” he
said softly, and he took them off her quickly, like taking candy from a baby,
and put them down on the table.
Now feeling exposed, she looked at the floor instead, heart
thumping away.
He made her look up at him. “Can see your face now,” he
grinned.
She just stared back terrified, wondering what was going to
happen.
He brought her closer to him. “You haven’t said a word to
me since I got here,” he said nonchalantly, moving the hair off her face.
“I-I’m sorry,” she replied, avoiding his eyes, letting her
head wander to the ground again.
“That’s okay, I’m not here to talk to you,” he said back,
bringing her head back up again. And then he leant in and began to gently kiss
her, taking hold of her head and pulling it to him. His kisses turned stronger,
and he slipped his tongue into her mouth again, and began stroking it against
hers. It didn’t shock her too much this time, but she did feel extremely tingly
all over. He made her feel so wonderful, what was she supposed to do? She was
like pulled to him in a way, like a nail is to a magnet. She couldn’t
stop herself kissing him back- she knew he wanted her and it made her feel
good.
They carried on kissing for a few moments in the middle of
the room, she felt herself put her hands on his back- oh my God- was she really
gonna do this?!…
He swung her around and made her walk backwards until they
fell onto the sofa together, lips still locked together, his whole body feeling
heavy on top of hers, as he closed in on her on the sofa. She felt him taking
his jacket off, but she just continued to kiss him, trying to blank out all her
thoughts, that were screaming what are you doing?? at her.
She just kissed him, trying to lose herself in him.
As soon as his jacket was off, he concentrated on kissing
her again, letting his hands wander all over his face, and then slowly down her
body. Everywhere he touched her she just tingled all over feeling her heat
rising.
He stopped kissing her mouth and then started letting his
lips touch all down her clothed body, down to where her top met her trousers
and then his hands began to lift up her top slowly, and the more skin he
revealed, he covered in kisses.
She watched him do this, feeling it happening to her, but
not quite believing it. Was this happening? Happening to her? Why was she
letting this happen?
Then he lifted her whole top off and away from her,
throwing it onto the floor, and Elisabeth lay there, heart hammering away as
her bra was now revealed.
He began kissing all around the black material, all over
her neck and collarbone, his lips kind of parted and he sucked her skin a
little as he passed it with his mouth.
Elisabeth had no idea how she was feeling. This was all so
new to her… it felt so strange… Elisabeth wasn’t sure whether she liked what he
was doing to her.
But you can do this, she told herself. Just hurry up,
she begged!
He kissed her up to her face and then stopped and whispered,
“undress me,” into her ear.
She just looked up at her blankly- not knowing quite how to
respond to that.
Un… undress him?
He grabbed her hands and put them to his shirt, making her
un-do the buttons, top to bottom.
Oh my God, I can’t look, Elisabeth cringed. I can’t
do this, I can’t.
But I have no choice.
He started kissing her again, his shirt un-buttoned, but
still on, and started kissing all over her bra this time, and she felt like
kicking out. This wasn’t right, she didn’t feel right. Panic suddenly started
to fill into her, she didn’t like it; she hated it.
“Am so glad I’m your first, Liz,” he whispered to her, as
he let his hands move to her back, and he began to unfasten her bra.
But she was made up now.
You are not going to be my first, she thought
firmly. I do have a choice. I always have a choice.
“Follow your heart,” Paul had said.
My heart doesn’t want this. No.
She pushed him away from her before her bra was off.
He looked back at her surprised, looking into her face. “Liz?”
He questioned.
“No- no, I don’t wanna do this. I cannot do this. Get
off me.”
he couldn’t believe what she was saying. “Wha… Liz?!!”
“Please get off me,” she said, looking away from him.
“B-B- wha… I don’t understand!” He cried.
“I don’t feel comfortable with you,” she said, closing her
eyes, feeling enormous pain as she rejected him like this. “It’s not right.”
“What do you mean, it’s not right? Liz- we’re so
close-“
“I don’t care!” Her voice broke, and when she opened her eyes,
she felt them glisten over.
“Liz! I can’t believe you’re doing this! Don’t you know how
much I want this?!”
“I know you do, but I’m just not ready,” she mumbled,
taking her top off the floor and bringing it to her to cover her.
“Well- when are you gonna be ready?! I can’t wait forever,
Liz! You don’t mean that much to me!”
she looked at him angrily when he said that, and he knew he’d
said something wrong.
“Get out,” she hissed.
“Liz- God- I’m sorry, I didn’t m-“
“GET OUT!” She screamed, tears rolling down her face,
sitting up, forcing him away.
He backed away, a little unnerved by her, and started doing
his shirt up. “Liz- look, please- I didn’t mean it like that- I just-“
“I know what you meant! That’s not what I’m here for!” She
cried at him, feeling all emotional inside.
“But Liz… we need this, we do-“
“We don’t! Steve, we can have a perfectly fine
relationship without…” She stopped, the situation hitting her. “I can’t believe
I almost had sex with you,” she muttered, bitterly.
His eyes looked stung by that remark, and he sat right away
from her.
“Look Liz, I know this is your first relationship and all,
but you should have had some idea of what you wanted from it as you go along,
you can’t just lead me on like that. I thought we were gonna have sex tonight, I
really did. And you think we can survive without it? Wake up to the real world,
Liz. Not everything in life is a book. Nothing everything happens the way you
want it to, you’re never gonna have a ‘fairytale romance’- not with me, not
with anyone.”
He stopped, took his jacket and stood up as she cowered
from him on the sofa.
“What do you want, Liz?” He said, staring hard at
her. “Just think about that.”
And he turned around and walked out, and she just sat
there, crying softly and heard him leave.
The house grew silent again, broken only by her crying, her
cries as she felt herself crumbling inside.
I don’t know what I want! She cried
in her head. How am I supposed to know what I want?! How will I know?!
She leant down on the sofa and cried more and more, more
audible than visible. She felt so alone as the paltry and woeful sobs escaped
from her mouth.
I don’t want that, but I want more. And I don’t know
what that is, ‘cos I don’t know what to expect. I’ve gone too out of my league
too soon, I can’t handle this, I don’t know where to turn.
She didn’t know what she wanted in her life; how she wanted
it to go, but she knew what she wanted right now.
She wanted Paul.