An opportunity to tell the truth came around that very late
Sunday morning. Elisabeth had been up for about two hours; actually awake for
about five, but what did that matter? She wanted sleep because it took her away
from the real world, so even when she was lying awake in bed she tried to force
her eyes to shut. But there again, her dreams were so… disturbing and
humiliating, voices shouting at her over and over again about how much of a
traitor she was to her friendship with Becky… She had a lot of voices in her
head lately; it was probably two spiring partners: her conscience on one
shoulder, and her… what could she say of her dark side? Her lust?… on
the other, and they were both shouting into her ears, each more louder than the
last, trying to get Elisabeth to hear them, and not the other. Elisabeth
wasn’t really paying attention to either of them, because they swirled her up
into a mass of contempt, indecision, pain and guilt.
She’d had a shower when she’d eventually got up, and then-
and perhaps when she reflected upon it later she would say it was the doings of
a manic woman- proceeded to cut up the very bra she’d worn last night into
little bits of material with the scissors, and with each cut she was trying to
hurt herself inside.
You’re a stupid, stupid girl, she
told herself bitterly, and felt the chunk of the scissors as she disembowelled
the piece of clothing. You should never have let it get this far; you should
have stopped it long before.
She sat cross legged on the floor, looking at the strewn black cotton pieces on the carpet and studied them before her, her eyes glazing over until the pieces jumped up together and made up a picture, ironically of an arrow and she watched as her mind made the arrow dance along the floor, its sharp point luring out at the one person who witnessed it, and then it seemed to morph itself into a black, long oval mirror, and it shined for a second before shattering into a million pieces spontaneously, and when Elisabeth shook her head furiously and looked at the floor again, the black pieces of material which she now thought were pieces of glass, were still there, contaminating the carpet.
Okay, I am beginning to see dancing arrows, she
thought uneasily to herself. This was not good. I’m hallucinating things and
turning into an obsessive neurotic.
She scooped the bits into the bin, just as the opportunity
made itself known, and the shrill, piercing shriek of the telephone ring made
her jump from end to end.
She stood frozen a moment, listening to its ringing, almost
afraid of how unusual it sounded, but hesitantly made her way over to answer
it.
“H-Hello?”
“Liiiiiiiz, hiiiii! You alright, babe?” Becky’s cheery tone
sung back at her.
Becky.
Who was Becky?
Oh yes, you remember. Girlfriend of the guy who was
undressing you last night, kissing all over your body and stroking your skin as
he prepared to make love to you. Oh yes, and coincidentally, she also happens
to be your best friend, she has been for about six years now, and she would
never do anything to hurt you…
“I’m okay, thankyou.”
“Wiiiiicked party last night!” Becky gurgled at her. “I got
sooooo drunk, Liz! My head feels like I’ve banged it against a wall this
morning! Am soooo hungover, you would not believe! And oh my God Liz, the
things I did when I was drunk, oh myyy Goddddd…”
She was just rambling on about nothing, seeming excited for
some reason. Elisabeth just stood and listened, feeling how every last syllable
of Becky’s words just rattled their way into her brain, recognising them as the
voice of the girl who she felt so guilty for betraying, and that made the hurt
inside grow stronger.
“Liz- I told them about Steve!! Can you believe it?!
My parents! I was sooo out of it, I didn’t know what I was doing, I just
started going on about how I’d met this guy and how he was my Prince Charming
and I was his Cinderella…” She burst out laughing. “I was talking absolute balls,
hunny! Was soooo funny! Oh, and then I said that when he touched me my skin
felt like ‘silk’ and ohhhh my God Liz, where the hell did that line come
from?! Haha! And then dad was like, ‘where has he been touching you?’!
And ohhhh myyyy Godddd…!”
Words just tumbled out of her mouth excitedly, like a
little kid who’s just been on his first rollercoaster ride, and he’s telling
you all about how fast it went, how high it was, how all the loops made your
stomach want to jump out of your mouth and how they nearly threw up over the
kid who they were sitting next to.
Elisabeth just gripped the phone tightly, gulping hard,
trying to get into Becky’s mood, but she couldn’t. Not when she was talking
about Steve, and how happy he made her.
“And then,” Becky continued, “I said that I was in
love with him! Can you believe that?! Me- in love! And then that
got them talking…”
Elisabeth suddenly started feeling really sick to the core.
She knew it had only been the alcohol talking, and that Becky wasn’t really
in love with Steve- but just her saying it- like her best friend being in love
with her man… even though he wasn’t, and even though they’d in effect
‘fallen out’ last night… it still really got to her deep inside. She was
finding herself wanting something she couldn’t have… ‘I love you’ was like a
label- alike to a ‘Keep Out’ sign… once you were labeled with that, then you were
out-of-bounds.
Steve was out-of-bounds for Elisabeth, because he had
somebody already- and that was Becky.
“And then they all wanted to know who this guy was and were
really intrigued and argh…” Becky paused a moment and Elisabeth could almost
see her bemused smile. “I am never, ever drinking in front of my parents
again.”
A gap in the conversation flow came then, and Elisabeth
felt like she should say something now, but she wasn’t quite sure what. What
could she say?
“Awwww.”
(Great Eli, that’s just great.)
“So- anyways am just callin’ to check on ya babe- you been alright?” Becky changed the topic.
“Ahuh. Fine.” Like a cow… in a slaughterhouse.
“Watcha been up to?”
“Erm…”
Okay, now here’s when things started to get difficult. This
is when the little person on her right shoulder- Mr Conscience- starting
yelling until his throat was hoarse, TELL HER THE TRUTH! Whereas, other Mr
Deceitful on her left shoulder was screaming, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT!
It was when the two voices clashed inside her brain and the
noise was so loud, it deafened her. She should just be honest and straightforward,
tell the truth and then maybe she’d have a chance of salvaging their
friendship. It was better if it came from her rather then… Steve. But what if
it didn’t redeem anything? What if Becky… despised her after this? What
then? She’d be left with no-one, because she’d inadvertently lose Steve in the
process. Perhaps concealing the truth would just be a whole lot easier, and
Becky would never find out…
She didn’t know what to say to her. Not on the phone. It
was too difficult. If she was going to tell, it should be when she comes home
later tonight…
“Liz? Had Paul over or anything?” She giggled.
Elisabeth sighed heavily when she said that name.
Paul.
If only he was here…
“No- Paul has not been round,” she stated firmly.
“Awww- shame! You been on your own, then?” She asked.
“Erm, yeah, basically…”
There was a sudden knock on the door. One that sent
shudders throughout her body- and made her feel completely on edge.
Ohhkaaay… someone’s on the doorstep.
Becky said something to her, but she couldn’t hear her. Now
fear had entered the frame. Was that Steve on her doorstep?…
“Liz?”
Another knock.
“Someone’s at the door Becky- I’m gonna have to go,” she
mumbled afraid, and then as Becky said okay, she’d speak to her later,
Elisabeth barely whispered a goodbye as she put the phone down.
It had to be Steve. It had to be.
She edged towards the door, her heart racing, blank at the
prospect of what to say to him. Does he want to apologise? Force more emotional
threats- blackmail on her? Is he just going to…?
Oh she wasn’t ready, she didn’t need this right now.
Another knock, urgent and louder, made her almost scream
out in terror. Oh why did she have to be all alone?! Why couldn’t somebody be
here with her to help?!
Frightened of the unknown, her fingers crept around the
handle, and she slowly tugged the door open; to reveal her sudden surprise
behind it.