~heya! Firstly bout this chap… hehehe, I didn’t realise we were already on this chapter, haha! It’s one of the good ones I think, lol. This was written for the time just before MIG (the single) came out, so that’s the kinda time zone we’re in in this chap- in this fic, lol. Oooh, and wanna say a big thanks to Eli for her ‘eye info’, hehe, I used it hunny!! So hope you all like this chap, lol- the next one is theeee best chapter I think I have eva written- in anything!! Haha!! Its just soooo fab!! And just before I go… suppose I better make this bold lol- I have a very important announcement to make at the end of this chapter for everyone who reads my fics- so if you cld plllease check that out, it wld be great! Thankyou, Kate xxx~

Chapter 21

Elisabeth sat perched on Becky's double bed and watched as Paul flicked his way through the CD rack. It was a really odd situation; she felt uneasy about being in here when she wasn't really 'supposed' to, and also being somewhere intimate like the bedroom with freaky guy Paul? Ergh! Oh come on Elisabeth, she scolded herself, he's not freaky guy Paul. He's just... very, very odd Paul.

She also had no idea what going through Becky's collection of about 150 CDs was going to find for them, especially to do with Ben, other than maybe the odd Britney Spears CD that Becky had collected along the way...

"Your best mate suuuure has weird taste," Paul commented to her as he leafed through them, trying to find his... whatever he was looking for. "Euwww- Ronan Keating!!" He hastily put that one down.

Elisabeth laughed. "What are you looking for?!"

"Something she hasn't got..." He mused back at her.

He had his back to her, so Elisabeth couldn't really tell which CDs he'd been through, and which he hadn't. She stood up and walked over to him.

"Maybe I could find whatever it is you're looking for if you tell me," she offered.

"It's a surprise."

"Oh yay, Ben's gonna turn out to be Robbie Williams' real name, or something!" She replied sarcastically.

He laughed. "God no! Try Tracy Chapman."

"Pardon?!"

"Aha! This'll do!" He said suddenly, holding up a Smash Hits 2002 Summer CD.

Elisabeth just looked at it blankly. "Okaaaay..."

"Okay- we need a CD player... whadda ya know?" He looked at the one directly next to the rack, and winked at her. "Speak of the devil!"

"Why are you playing a random Smash Hits CD?" She asked him, as he opened the case and found CD2, and began loading it into the machine.

"It's a surprise," he repeated.

"A good surprise?" Elisabeth said hopefully.

He turned to her, suddenly serious a moment. "I dunno... I hope so. Am not really sure how you're gonna take this, but there ya go. You wanted to know, so I'm telling you." He turned back. "Now where's play?..."

Elisabeth stared at him, confused, wondering what all this talk was about. Was she finally going to have one of the many Paul mysteries solved? Smash Hits... and Ben. Hmmm...

"Okay." He pressed play, and stood back a little. "Listen."

Immediately some guitar intro came on. Had a good beat, too; Elisabeth could easily connect with it. But she didn't recognise it.

"What song is this?" She asked him, but he just shushed her, putting his finger on his lips and smiling at her.

She sighed, and carried on listening. A few seconds later the music became louder as the percussion came in, and Paul adjusted the volume slightly so when the first vocals came on, she could hear them loud and clear.

You said that love was just a state offffff mind

A puzzle made of pieces you can't fiiiiind

But for me you never really had the tiiiime...

That's all she needed. There was another line- but that's all she needed.

She slowly raised her head and looked at him, astonished.

He smiled back at her shyly, pivoting gently on the spot, slightly in nerves, as he realised she knew.

And boy, did she know. Know the truth...

The music played on in the background, someone else was singing now, but there had been no mistaking who had sung the first part.

Paul.

Elisabeth was speechless. He didn't know what to say... Paul... that had been Paul singing on that CD, she swore it. Sounded so much like him; when he'd sung James Brown a few minutes ago, they clicked... oh my God- what does this mean?!

"So... what do you think?" He asked her nervously, when she didn't respond.

What do I think?! What do I think?!! She edged away from him, not knowing who he was anymore. Far from answering any questions it had just created more for her in her mind. She stared at him wide-eyed, as if suddenly seeing his true self... but all she saw was Paul. And he was frightening again.

"Lib?" He questioned, stepping forward and she just fell onto the bed behind her, in complete shock.

"Oh my God," she whispered.

He went over to her. "I'm really, really sorry," he apologised urgently, as the song behind them was in full flow now. "I should have told you before..."

Elisabeth stared at the floor, terrified to look into his face; her chest working at a speed of knots just because he was near her and they were breathing the same air.

Oh no- this was just impossible!

"Oh my God," she whispered, only, again.

Paul didn't reply, he just sat down dejectedly away from her on the floor and the two of them could do nothing but listen to the music sweeping out the silence in the room.

Like a memory that I can't eraaaaaase

It's here to staaaay... woah

Things are so different now you're gone

I thought it'd be easy, I was wrong

And now I'm caught... and now I'm caught in the middle

Even though I'm with someone new

All I can think about is you

And now I'm caught... and now I'm caught in the middle

So different, so different

So easy, oh so eas-y...

Ughh!! There he was again! That was him! HIM, HIM, HIM, HIM, HIM. Paul was singing on a CD- Paul was in a band.

Paul was in a famous God damn pop band.

But I can't get over you

Can't get over y-ouuuuuuuu

"That's Ben," Paul mumbled somewhere in front of her, but it didn't mean anything to Elisabeth. She'd already decided who Ben was... what he was to Paul. Now all she had to decide was what this meant to her...

She gently looked up at Paul who was sat, knees up, looking at a spot on the floor, his eyes glazed over as if he were in some kind of trance.

But it made Elisabeth feel for him, in a way. This had obviously been hard to tell her, but he had. He'd had the courage to do it, and now she was reacting in such a way that he was probably regretting every minute of it.

She had to give him some credit for telling the truth.

"Tell me everything," she said.

He looked up at her, breaking his stare, with his eyes all searching.

"Tell me all about it," she repeated. She wanted to know.

He looked away from her and fidgeted with his hands, as if waiting for the song to finish before he said anything and deliberating over what he was going to say.

When the music stopped, he spoke.

"I didn't say anything before for two reasons, mostly. One- you didn't even recognise me and so I didn't feel the need to go blabbing about who I was and what I did. That just isn't me. So I kept quiet. And secondly... I didn't think you'd trust me as much if you realised I was- quote- a 'popstar'... I think you would have found it hard to relate to me, then. I wanted you to get to know me first- get to know Paul before you got to know Paul a1."

"a1?"

"My band," he replied, then corrected, "I mean- the band I'm in."

Elisabeth soaked all the new information in, but it wasn't really making that much sense at the moment in her head. Paul was a popstar.

"So the Paul I know and the Paul everyone else knows are two different people?" She asked him.

"Erm... kinda. I mean, when I'm on stage-"

Oh my God.

"... or TV or anything..."

Ohhhhh myyyyy...

"... I have to act in a certain way. Be all smiley, happy, hyperactive- I have this really dumb label as the 'joker of the band'. Everyone always looks to me to make the stupid comments and do the stupid actions. But I'm not like that all the time- as you should know."

He stopped talking, and looked up at her, waiting for a response- any kind of reply to that. Elisabeth wasn't sure what to do- this was all just so much so soon.

Paul was famous... yet she couldn't fathom it at all. He just didn't look the type... how could he have not mentioned it before? How could no-one have mentioned it to her before- Becky? Steve?... it was like they just forgot... or just didn't know.

"Does Becky know?" She asked him eventually.

He shook his head. "Doubt it. She's never mentioned it. Usually people who recognise me at least mention it. Of course Steve knows... as have known him long enough."

"I wish you'd told me before," Elisabeth said quietly.

Paul moved closer to her. "I'm sorry! I didn't know how you'd take it. I wanted to gain your trust first."

"And you think you've gained my trust?" She said back to him.

"I... like to think so."

He edged over so he was sat right at her feet. "Thing is, I'm not one of these people who takes their work home with them. I mean yeah, sure, I write songs and all, but I don't go round saying, 'hey look, I'm in a1! Come and take my photo!' I hate the fame thing- so away from the job I'm just me. Normal."

"Oh my God you write songs," she whispered aloud.

He laughed. "Yeah- try to! I wrote Caught In The Middle with Ben," he gestured towards the CD player.

"So... Ben's a... member of a1?"

"Yeah, Ben's a bandmate- with Christian and Mark," Paul explained.

Elisabeth rose her eyebrow at him. "What kind of band is this?" She said.

He looked down, embarrassed. "I guess we're a boyband," he mumbled.

Ohhh, jeeeez! Paul: the guy with the piercings, and the scary penetrating eyes and the touch that was like electric needles rushing through your body... he was in a boyband.

Okay- where was the logic in any of this?!

"You're in a boyband?"

"Um, yeah."

"Oh my."

He looked up at her and laughed. "We do write our own stuff thankyou very much, Lib! And Chris plays guitar, and Mark the keyboard- we're a very dynamic boyband."

"Ahuh."

"Fine- think I'm cheesy!!"

She laughed. "It's just... I think... argh, I dunno- this is all way over my head."

"Are you okay with it, though?" He checked. "I mean, this doesn't change anything?"

"Paul- this changes lots! You're a popstar for Chri-" She paused. "So... oh my God, you've been on Top Of The Pops?"

He laughed. "Yeah... about eight times."

Elisabeth just stared back starry eyed, and he grinned wider.

"You've honestly never heard of a1?"

"Um- no." She felt really embarrassed.

He laughed. "This is sooooo cool!"

"I'd know you if Becky had mentioned you, but she hasn't. All I know is from her."

"Wow- so you never listen to the charts?"

Elisabeth shook her head furiously. "I've heard what Becky listens to... ugh, that isn't me at all!"

"That's really strange." He smiled at her. "But nice. And at least you don't fancy Ben." He laughed to himself.

"Would I?" Elisabeth asked confused.

"Possibly maybe!"

"Is that... so... where've you been these last few days?" She asked him, thinking back to the phonecall.

"Norway. We had to go over there to do a TV show."

"Oh... okay." She would never, ever get used to him saying that.

It was all too indescribable that she was talking to a member of a- probably- successful boyband and that he lived in the showbiz world, doing all of these things that were just so out of reach for her. Still- it made sense though; why he was always going away, how he knew all these 'journalists'- they weren't friends of him at all, they interviewed him! It was just too much to put into perspective. She'd never be able to grasp her head around this- never.

She laughed suddenly. "You know what's funny?"

"What?" He looked up at her.

"That I work in an estate agents and you've had like... like... how many hits have you had?"

"Ohhh, I dunno- eight Top Ten's, or something like that. We've had two No.1's."

Elisabeth gaped at him- yet another thing she couldn't carry.

He laughed at her. "It sounds good- but then you realise we haven't actually had a Top Ten album yet. We're hoping all that changes with the new one."

"You're even more famous than I thought," she whispered back at him.

"But- see, that's the whole reason why I never said anything," Paul explained, getting up onto his knees, seeming to want to look at her at eye-level when he said this. "You're reacting how I think most people would. People look at me and think I'm some kind of truck driver, or a barman, or something- and they treat me like a real, normal person. And then I tell them I'm famous and they suddenly distance themselves from me because they see me in this whole new light- fame. And that annoys me sooo much because I am not a different person- I'm still me! And just because I'm in a1 doesn't mean that I'm not the same Paul you come to when you need to talk about Steve, or whatever else is on your mind. I don't want this to change anything about the way we are."

He was kneeling in front of her, now. Elisabeth daren't lean forward because otherwise their faces would just be inches apart from one another... and that she wouldn't even contemplate.

"Why am I so important to you?" She suddenly asked him, tilting her head slightly.

He stared back at her, and this was the closest he'd ever been. His eyes were a deep mixture of light browns and pale greens, looking as of they contained a million pictures.

Her heart raced away; she didn't like the intimacy of the situation, but she kept going.

"W-Why did you come over the other day? Why are you over now? Why do you care so much for me? I don't... I don't understand... you barely know me- I think we met just over seven days ago, and now you're like the only one who really knows what's going on in my life. It's really scary- I trust you with my life yet it's all blind faith... because you could disappear tomorrow."

He let out a smile, and took hold of her hands. As soon as his skin touched hers, it sent a million volts through her body. She wanted to move away, flinch backward and snatch her hands away in fright, but those brown embers of his had seemed to paralyse her whole body and she was frozen still. It seemed like some kind of energy running through her body; she could feel it all through her veins like little mice when they run, she felt like something was crawling all over her body and her breath caught in her throat and she couldn't get any oxygen to her brain, let alone out her mouth... like a blockage, she couldn't take any in. And time went very, very slowly.

"Libby- listen to me. I know me turning up all of a sudden- it probably doesn't make any sense. Maybe you can liken it to some paranormal space alien or something; hey- maybe even think of me as your guardian angel!" He laughed a little. "But I know one thing for sure: I care about you. A lot. I consider you as a friend- I really do. I don't care how long we've known each other- that doesn't matter to me. All I know is I wanna be there for you when things get too tough, when it all comes on your shoulders. The moment I saw you I knew you were fragile- and I don't mean that in a bad way!!" He quickly renounced himself. "But I could see how delicate you were, and when Steve said all of those things about you- I couldn't bear to see you get hurt. It wasn't fair. And I just couldn't sit back and let it happen- I had to do something about it. And that's why I came to see you.

"I didn't care how you reacted, I just had to go over there and at least warn you; at least try to help. I knew you couldn't talk to Becky- and maybe it seems arrogant that you'd talk to me of all people, but I had to take that chance. And now he's gone and done the very thing I knew he's do- mess you around. 'Cept you stood up to him- you stopped it before it went too far and you showed you'd listened to me. And that was the best thing I'd heard... for years! It was just a natural instinct to help you. I hope you don't think bad of me."

Elisabeth sat and listened, and then she leant forward. "I don't think bad of you, Paul. I just... no-one has ever cared for me so much before... and I just wondered what I'd done to d-deserve it."

"You deserve it because you're special," Paul said back to her, her whole eyes filled with his now. "Do you know how special you are to me?"

"I still don't understand," she whispered back, heart racing away. Oh my God, their faces were nearly connecting...

"Maybe you never will."

The intensity of the situation; she could feel this heat and energy in a circle surrounding them, empowering them with something- she wasn't sure what, maybe she was under the influence of some kind of spell. She'd never been in this position before- his eyes were so, so deep; if she looked hard enough she could see herself in them.

"I'm not quite sure what to make of you, yet," she whispered.

"That's to come," he whispered to her, and she felt a force suddenly pulling her towards him, she could practically see them coming closer to each other, and she was frightened, because any minute now there was going to be too much inside of her to handle, as...

Something was wrong.

Something in the drive stopped; holding her back like some kind of force field. She froze, she couldn't move anymore... an inch further and they'd be connecting, she'd feel so much more from him... but something stopped all that materialising.

Paul.

"Come on- show me your room!!" He suddenly grinned at her, tearing his eyes away from hers and leaning back and jumping up, leaving this wave of cold residue to fall over Elisabeth, where he had once been a kiss away from her face.

The spell had been broken.

~hehehehe… nearly, eh? Newho, I better get all serious now, lol, as have a really important thing to say to all of you! It concerns my fics, and a few of you may already know what’s coming- lol spesh the ones that I’ve already told haha!- but I hope for those of you who don’t know, this isn’t going to be too much of a big deal for you.

Basically I’ve been having a lot of trouble these past few months in doing any kind of reasonable amount of writing- ever since I finished this fic at the end of January, actually. I seem to have lost the momentum for doing fics- I get odd little ideas here and there, but I can’t get past the first couple of chapters before losing interest. I’m putting way too much pressure on myself, so therefore I’d like to tell you all here that I am “officially” quitting writing fics; for good now.

I’m finding it really hard, and the last straw came when I realised I was losing passion for Living The Dream- I’m afraid I’m going to stop writing that fic now, lol. It’s due to a few reasons- but I sat myself down last Sunday and asked myself “can you really see yourself writing any more of LTD?” And the answer was no; and it was a really sad time, actually! It used to be such an important fic to me, but in the end I just kinda got bogged down with it all and I didn’t really like it anymore- and that’s why I’ve decided to stop writing it. I think that’s the only kind of change that’s come out of this really, other than of course, you won’t be getting anymore new fics from Kate, lol, cos I won’t be writing any!

However, I am still 100% involved with the ‘fic business’ if you like- even tho I’m not writing anymore, I am still thoroughly interested in reading all of yours, and hearing all about how you’re getting on with them, etc! You all really inspire me with your great writing, and there’s no way I’d be able to give that up! And of course, I’ll still be doing II with Clo until next summer when I quit, so I’ll still be here!! I’ll just be kinda quiet, lol.

I really hope you all support me on this decision- it is really hard for me in a way, it’s like saying goodbye to an old friend, so I don’t want you making this too sad for me- haha! But it is my decision in the end, I think it’s time to move on from the whole fics- genre, and even though I still am completely in love with writing, I’m a bit lost at the moment in what I’m supposed to be writing, lol, so until I’ve found a new home for myself I’m going to remain fairly anonymous, lol! Erm… only thing I can say now is if you want to ask me any other qs about it then just drop me a line on the ol’ email or come hunt me down on msn and I’ll tell ya, haha, but if not- well… byeeee!! Hehe. Oooh, and also, if you know any other ppl who read my fics, but not The First Time, then can you let them know about my decision, instead of me having to repeat it in every fic- thankyou!! It’s been really fab, but I think it’s the end now. Oooh dear, feel like I’m retiring, lmao. Lotsa luv neway, Kate xxx

PS. You thought it was all over? You wait for a special surprise in the summer from me (and friends!), lol! *wink, wink*~