Steve still hadn’t left Elisabeth’s heart.
It was pretty hard to escape really, once you got in there.
It was full of so many tangles and threads that you become trapped in the web of
her deep, emotional feelings. It was the Greeks, she thought, that had been the
first race to decide that women were evil. “They have less of a virtue than men
do” according to Plato; they were cunning, malicious and devious. She guessed
this was true. When you’re younger, when boys fall out, they just have a punch
up, get all the ire out of their system physically and feel better for it afterwards.
But girls- fighting isn’t seen as the thing to do. Sure, it happens, but you
discard all little cat fights where you get the manicured nails out and scratch
each other’s eyes out (unsuccessfully, she may add). Girls go about revenge a
different way. A more clever way it many senses; but truth was, it
wasn’t really clever at all. Gossip was a girl’s best friend. And rumour, with
its powerful unyielding tongue, sought about tremendous slander; all instigated
by a vengeful woman’s resentful mind.
A woman never went about things candidly; because she was
always too resourceful for that. Women were complicated areas, no doubting
that. Men never understand them, but that doesn’t mean men are stupid. Women
don’t understand other women. In fact, the single, wily woman is so, so
unique, that she probably doesn’t understand how she herself works sometimes.
When they fall in love, all hell can break loose. They are
so quietly demanding. They require certain needs, and when they are not
provided, the mind’s wheels of undermining start to slowly churn, and they’ve
begun.
Step into the cobweb, and you can’t get out. You’ve broken
a few silk threads- struggle any longer and you’ll make a bigger mess. Negotiation
can work; but only at a price. Would you risk your pride, dignity and heart for
her? It’s a question men never ask themselves as they’re too stupid for women.
Elisabeth wasn’t an evil person. She was too placid and
genial to think up any form of revenge or spitefulness against Steve. That side
of her existed, sure, but was tamed. But the other had just been let loose: she
was finding out her heart was stickier than the most strongest glue available.
Steve wouldn’t leave, now he’d trodden all over her. He
still remained in her thoughts. Paul could say as many words as he liked, but
words were empty- just random letters thrown together to make a stylish
lecture. Feelings were the real source of energy. They were alive; constantly
working, changing, developing- like a child, within a child. Feelings fitted
the Velcro of the heart’s strings perfectly, and they were hard to move.
Elisabeth still had feelings for Steve. She couldn’t
forget all they’d shared together, wrong or not, he had been her first. You
never forget your first- not even when you’re 70 years old. And Elisabeth’s
first had come within meeting a guy for less than 24 hours, and now in the last
week she’d come further than her mind, and heart, could cope with.
Steve, she could not shake off, even though she wanted to.
Elisabeth had had her eyes opened so much to the fact that
she realised that Steve only wanted one thing from her, but yet her eyes were
still half closed. Part of her hoped Steve wanted more from her than that, part
of her secretly thought he did have true feelings for her. Because she
expressed them to him, she thought it odd he should not return them exactly.
She wasn’t sure if she was in love with Steve at the
moment. She was suspended in limbo at the moment. Tell you what she felt
like: Sarah, in the Labyrinth. When she falls down into the ‘helping hands’ and
they ask her the question: up or down. Just one signal from Steve and
she could be hoisted back up into the garden, or thrown cruelly into the
oublient.
It was all down to him.
Whatever his next reaction or move to her was, she’d have
to respond to that. But what if he did spurn her now? She’d been deeply hurt by
him when he’d ranted on to her about life not being a ‘fairytale’ and when he’d
gone, just because she refused to sleep with him. So was forgiveness just
simply on the cards?
Did she let him get away with something like that?
She hadn’t really given it much thought- it was in turn,
to painful to think about.
So when he inadvertently turned up on their doorstep that
night, disrupting the washing-up from dinner, Elisabeth’s complicated mind of
concerned words from Paul and infatuated feeling from her heart collided so
fast, and left her in the state of a very delicate young woman.
She opened the door to him, and nostalgia filled her pure
body: the kind that panged at you- that it was good, but you know if you tapped
too much into it, it would send you spiralling down.
“Hi.”
“Hi- Becky in?”
Becky. What did she expect? Him to pull her into his arms and kiss her so hard it forced the feelings out inside her again and she was back to square one?
No. That wasn’t going to happen. Elisabeth had changed.
Paul had changed her.
“Sure.” She stepped aside, and let him into the house,
taking deep, internal breaths to stop herself bursting into tears. She’d never
realised how hard having strong feelings for someone, unreturned feelings, was
for the soul. She thought unrequited love was the worst emotion to experience ever.
Even more than disappointment- maybe not loneliness- but it came damn close.
She closed the door, and turned to see Steve had
disappeared off to find his ‘dear’ girlfriend. Elisabeth pondered what to do:
in the end she decided to follow him. She needed to see him.
Becky and Steve were embracing in the kitchen when
Elisabeth approached, clearly ‘falsely’ having missed each other terribly.
Elisabeth wasn’t buying any of it, though. Steve missed
Becky now because Elisabeth hadn’t been able to give him what he’d wanted.
Upset suddenly filled Elisabeth’s body. Why hadn’t she
been able to give Steve what he wanted? If she had, it may be her in his
arms right now, not her best friend.
As Becky spoke excitedly to him about weekend, Elisabeth
went over to the side and finished washing up the plates. Yet she could still
feel Steve’s eyes bearing into her- uncomfortably, making her feel on edge.
You’ve said all you wanted to say to me, she thought
angrily and rigidly inside her head, and I have nothing to say back to you. So
don’t you look at me expecting anything.
She listened to the way Steve was commenting on everything
Becky said, making out that he was really interested in having what she had to
say, but Elisabeth knew it was all ridiculous. Like he cared one bit about
Becky.
Paul was right. The only person Steve was out for was
himself.
She put the plates in the rack noisily, causing a huge
clattering noise each time, the more and more angry she got with Steve.
I mean- what was he even doing here?! It was all
false. She wanted to turn around to Becky now and pour her whole heart out. How
he’d been after both of them this past week and how they should team up
together and shut him out.
But Elisabeth knew that wouldn’t work. Becky was never
going to listen to her once she’d revealed her transactions with her boyfriend.
And Becky thought Steve was the best thing since Bacardi and coke’s- he was
God, as far as Becky was concerned, and he could do no wrong.
“Liz!” Becky laughed. “Can’t you be quieter?!”
“Sorry,” Elisabeth muttered, still slamming each plate
down. Actually, she was contemplating smashing one over Steve’s head.
“You miss Paul?” Becky suddenly asked.
Elisabeth paused in motion, as her heart suddenly began to
thud hard, like a drumroll.
Okay,
why am I getting tense when she mentions his name?
She also knew that Steve was still there: Steve who must surely be having questions about her and
Paul now?
“Um... no,” Elisabeth answered quickly, just saying
anything, and put the last newly washed plate away.
“Awww hunny,” Becky swapped her answer around, changing it
to a “yes I miss him very much.” She turned to Steve. “Paul gave her some
flowers today, y'know.”
Elisabeth nearly choked.
Ohhhhh...
no, no, no, NO! Do NOT say that to him Becky...
When she looked up at him curiously, he was looking
straight back- a tone in his face that annoyed Elisabeth.
“What kind of flowers?” He asked Becky, not taking his
eyes off Elisabeth.
“White and yellow carnations! Gorgeous, they were,” Becky
beamed, trying to enhance the non-existent relationship between Becky and Paul.
But Steve, recognising they were his, shot Elisabeth a
look:
Okaaaay...
they were from ME!
Elisabeth just glared back at him.
You want
me to tell Becky that?! I had to say they were from Paul, I had no choice.
Steve wasn't backing down.
What the
hell is it with you and Paul anyway?!!
“Please excuse me.” Elisabeth dropped the washing cloth
and sponge back into the soapy water of the sink and then stalked off upstairs.
She wasn't having any of this. Why should she be the one
who got pushed around? God, he made her so angry. Just the way he was so
arrogant, expecting her to give him all the desire he wanted, back when he
treated her like some kind of machine. She was a real person with real
feelings; feelings that were working overtime right now.
Swirling up inside her body like the onslaught of a
whirlpool, turning and turning around her with a great force, pulling
everything in its way into the middle, where it churned; slowly, fast, a strong
current of passion, anger, hurt all tumbling around at a controlled pace inside
her body.
As she paced up and down her room not knowing what to do
with this abundance of energy, that she'd never quite felt before, she tried to
tire down, to relax.
But relax? Relax? How could she "relax"?!!
She was possessed; taken over by emotions which didn't
really belong to her and that she really, really didn't need.
She knew he'd be coming.
Soon enough- she knew he'd come.
Another stupid rendezvous for the two of them, in another
area of the house that was consumed with guilt. Sure, yeah, she felt guilt
alright; but what got to her the most was anger, anger that she'd even fallen
for him in the first place.
She knew that by walking away like that, he'd come after
her. And this time- no nothing. She was going to give him a piece of her mind.
Tell him she didn't like the way he was treating her, and that if he was
expecting anything else from her now in due return, he could bloody well go
skateboard round Antarctica, because it
was not going to happen.
She had had enough.
“Just what is going on?!”
His entrance into her room had taken less than 10 minutes; and when it had
come, she'd been facing away from him and his demanding tone of voice.
She turned around to face him. She couldn't tell him to
get out, leave her alone; she had a few things to say first.
“Is there a problem?” She hissed back, trying to control
the whirlpool inside that pulled every way she fought.
“What's with the cold shoulder?!”
Steve cried back at her, arrogant to the bone; selfish and cold.
Elisabeth breathed between her teeth, she couldn't believe
how ignorant he was being.
“Are you utterly blind?!”
She cried back. “How else do you think I would be treating you?!”
“Not like this!” He retaliated back.
“Do you remember
what happened the last time we were together?!” Elisabeth tried to lift the
veil that was obviously covering his eyes and was about ten metres thick.
“I remember what didn't
happen,” Steve muttered under his breath.
“Exactly!” Elisabeth cried, exasperated. “You were the one
angry with me, remember?! The one
shouting at me. You expect me to be
all loving and forgiving?!”
“You know what? Yeah!” Steve said back. “I thought you
would've thought about what we had and been a little more... friendly.”
“Well I have thought about "us"!” Elisabeth spat back. “And you know what I've decided?!”
“What?” Steve stepped closer, intimidating her even more,
but she wasn't going to let him win, even though the whirlpool inside was
spinning dangerously fast, about to lose control and veer off in all
directions, leaving Elisabeth... somewhere; trapped in an emotion- but which
one?
“I decided what you were really after from me! You don't
care about me at all, you just want me for the one thing guys like you always
want!” She cried back. “And because I'm stupid and naive, I let you get away
with it!”
Steve looked slightly stunned, but quickly drew himself
back together. “Who the hell has been feeding all that bullshit into your
head?!” He cried at her.
Oh no,
Elisabeth thought. I can't say Paul... I
can't! I'm always wary about mentioning Paul's name around Steve... but what
the hell should I care anymore?!
“Paul actually,”
she said steadfastly.
“What the hell has he been sticking his nose in for?! What
the hell is going on between you two?!”
He advanced towards her, and Elisabeth suddenly began to
get frightened. He was much, much bigger than her, and even though she was
angry too, he was scarier on a much higher level. He could do anything to her,
and that threw her off balance and composure.
“Nothing!” She tried to shout back, but it came out as a
frantic whimper, and she found herself back-tracking.
“Why did you say my
flowers were from him?” Steve said back, not shouting, but dangerously spoken.
“I couldn't say they were from you!” Elisabeth pleaded, as
she suddenly hit the back of the bed and couldn't retreat any further... oh shit. “Becky would find out about us!”
“And you don't want Becky to find out?” He came closer and
Elisabeth knew she was trapped. Oh God, oh God, oh God, please someone help her...
“Nooo... yesss... I don't know!” Elisabeth cried, and she
tried to rustle up some inner strength from somewhere. She looked him in the eye.
“Maybe she should know the truth!”
“You want to jeopardise what we have?”
Elisabeth laughed, unbelievably. “What do we have?!” She cried back at him.
He stepped up to her and pushed his lips onto hers; the
sudden touch and movement of his lips smashing the whirlpool of emotions into
all different directions.
He put his hands onto her hips, holding her tightly as he
gave everything to her in his kiss, moving his mouth against hers, pushing her
up against the back of the bed and closer to him, she could feel the heat of
his body vibrating against her. He let his tongue find hers, and was kissing
her so passionately that Elisabeth completely broke down. She wrapped her arms
around his neck and pulled him even closer to her, the energy that she'd stored
up being released in her kissing. She let all her emotions go on him and she
enjoyed it, loved the rush and zest of being with him; she knew she'd been
wanting to do this ever since he came into her room. Most of her anger
consisted of passion anyway, passion for wanting him so, so much...
She began to lose herself in the kissing, and when she
felt him lift her up, so she was sat on the bed, and then begin to push her
down and get right on top of her, she rejoiced it; welcomed it, craved it. She let him fully cover her,
lay on top of her as they kissed on the bed, she loved the feel of him and
wondered why she hadn't slept with him last night. What was she scared of? He wasn't going to harm her. He was just going
to bring them closer together...
They lay intimately kissing on her bed, Elisabeth taking
everything she could from Steve, and trying to give it back in equal measures;
when she felt him touch her all over, tenderly run his hand down her face as he
kissed her strongly, she knew that there was no way she could ever lose him.
Emotionally they were attached now, she could feel him inside her heart again,
burying away like some kind of animal, trying to settle in, and now Elisabeth
embraced him with open arms.
She didn't give a second thought that Becky could walk in
any minute- she didn't care. She had
her Steve.
She momentarily cast her mind back to that afternoon, as
Steve move his lips down to her bottom lip, her chin, her neck… About what Paul
had said; what he could do to hurt her.
She looked up at the ceiling and breathed heavily,
passion, desire, intensity filling her whole body as he kissed her.
If this
is what hurt is, let me bleed, she thought to herself. After all, feelings always did speak louder
than words.