~ahhhh look it’s my solo fic now on II, haha! That’s quite scary, actually. Can’t wait for ADG to join in, haha! *Omg the difference between ADG and the First Time!* lmao. Neways, you’ll be having a weekly update of First Time now, until it finishes in… about 15 chaps? Lol. so hope that’s good for you. The chapter after this one is one of my weird, short experimental ones again, nicknamed the ‘jealousy’ chapter, so I may actually put 2 chaps up next week… we’ll see how free I am! Neways, hope ya like this one! Nothing much else to say! Lotsa love, Kate xxx~
“Well this is a nice surprise!”
Elisabeth giggled happily as she saw Paul on her doorstep- a very different looking Paul; if he pulled his baseball cap down any lower it would fit over his chin.
“Can I come in?” He asked her, his eyes darting from side to side in suspicion and wariness.
“Sure,” Elisabeth opened the door fully. “What’s with the cap?”
Paul scurried into her house, trying to keep as low as possible, and it was only when he was fully inside the house, and Elisabeth had closed the door, that he seemed to relax.
“Uhhhh… complete nightmare,” he muttered, straightening his cap to a more appropriate level.
“What’s going on?” Elisabeth asked.
“Teenage girls- six of them- have been stalking me for the last ten minutes.”
Elisabeth burst into laughter, finding the prospect of trailing the ‘irresistible’ Paul Marazzi quite amusing.
“Awww- did they want an autograph?” She asked.
“I dunno what they wanted!” Paul stated. “They weren’t getting any, anyway!”
“Getting any what?”
“Shut up, Lib.”
Elisabeth grinned; she felt like she was beginning to match Paul sometimes now, in the wit and humour stakes. It meant he didn’t intimidate her as much, and that was good. More than anything she wanted to be comfortable around him, because they were good mates. As long as that relationship consisted of a good five inches between them though- she still couldn’t get up close to him, because she was scared of getting into the spotlight of those brilliant green eyes.
“So- you home alone?” He asked her.
“Erm… no, Becky’s upstairs I think,” Elisabeth replied.
“Alone?” Paul asked.
Elisabeth felt a shiver run through her body, and she thought back to Sunday night; and her and Steve wrapped up in each other on her bed, doing as much as you could possibly do without going over the line. It had been such an exciting time- the whole build-up, with the shouting and the anger, and then they’d just let go, and ended up getting pretty passionate on the bed together.
It was Tuesday, now. Two days had passed and she hadn’t seen Steve since their little meeting, but she thought about it every minute of every day and tried to remember and visualise exactly every touch, movement and sentiment of it that had left Elisabeth feeling in a state of breathlessness and calefaciency. She couldn’t forget how amazing it had been to be in his arms again, next to his body, his lips all over her like he loved her. Now they were back on track again; and no-one was going to ruin it for them this time.
“Of course she’s alone,” Elisabeth replied back matter-o-factly, as if it would be absolutely offensive if Steve chose Becky over her.
Which he still did, Elisabeth had to admit. Steve was still with Becky… they’d spent the night together on Sunday.
“I need to talk to you about that,” Paul replied seriously, and as if gesturing her to follow him, he turned on his heels and headed towards the lounge. Elisabeth did follow him- she knew what this was going to be about.
She debated whether or not to tell Paul about her and Steve. She was so happy and elated that she wanted to tell everyone who walked past- but she knew she had to keep it to herself.
But Paul- she could tell Paul, of course she could. In fact, it was probably important that he knew… yet something was stopping her.
Elisabeth sat down on the sofa next to him, crossing her legs and facing him, so she could fully take in what he was going to say to her. She knew already she wouldn’t like it; that’s why she was prepared to stick up for herself.
Paul looked back at her, too: she could see some kind of emotion was toying with his facial expression. It wasn’t just the baseball cap that made him look different today- he looked, in face, changed.
Elisabeth tried to put her finger on what it was but she couldn’t.
“Okay,” Paul said, settling himself and Elisabeth waited for him to start.
“Steve called me last night.”
“Riiiight,” she said slowly, wanting him to continue. What had Steve said to Paul?
“And he told me to stay away from you.”
Elisabeth’s eyes widened in surprise; and she opened her mouth to say something, a reaction, but she closed it again.
Steve was warning Paul away from her?
Why?!
“Ohhh,” she breathed out, and looked down, suddenly feeling awkward with Paul.
“Lib- please don’t say…”
She sighed. She could feel the hurt in his voice that he knew what was coming and didn’t believe it. But Elisabeth couldn’t lie to him, that was unfair, but that didn’t mean she was happy telling him.
“What?” She asked quietly; guiltily.
“You’re back with Steve, aren’t you?” Paul’s voice was imposing, like he was protecting a younger sister.
It made Elisabeth feel small. Like she’d done something very, very wrong and been caught at it. But how was giving into her feelings wrong?! She couldn’t stop them once they were upon her. Being with Steve was the most magical experience ever, she felt so good when she was around him. Surely she had made the right choice?
“So?” She mumbled, trying to hide the shame.
“You’re back with Steve?” Paul was in complete disbelief.
“Kinda.”
This was so hard to tell him. She knew he wouldn’t be pleased.
“Libby- look at me.”
She daren’t. She’d let him down, she knew she had. She didn’t want to see that.
She didn’t move, and tried to explain herself. “Paul, I-”
“Lib.” He lifted her chin up with his hand, and she looked right into his eyes and she felt the most awesome smack hit the side of her face.
He looked so disappointed. Not just a little narked; it was so much deeper than that. She found herself falling into the depths of him, searching desperately for that little twinkle of cheekiness, happiness and laughter that he always carried with him.
But it wasn’t there.
All she could feel as his eyes fell over her was the horrible feeling that he was disappointed with her. Hurt that she’d gone against him and got back with Steve. Worry that she wasn’t going to be okay, and that Steve would hurt her.
It was the most poignant look anyone had ever given her. It made her feel so, so bad; so guilty for being herself and giving into Steve’s charms again, and she felt sad- because Paul was sad, too.
As she had been looking through him, he’d been looking through her, and he could sense the guilt spread grotesquely upon her, it made him squirm.
“Why did you do it?” He whispered to her.
She felt that was because the whole atmosphere in the room was now dominated by the two of them, and it had hushed things down.
“I’m sorry,” she looked down again, and felt her eyes bristling with a few hot tears.
She’d made the wrong choice, hadn’t she? When someone looked at her like that, seeing such a failure, a disappointment and a let-down, it made her confidence and love for herself shrivel up inside like a decaying leaf. She felt awful. Truly awful.
“I can’t… I just can’t…” Paul began, but the tears had started falling from Elisabeth’s eyes, she was so upset, and her shoulders began to shake a little.
Paul realised what he’d moved her to, and so quickly took her hands in his and grasped them tightly.
“Libby, please don’t cry,” he said to her.
She felt the hot, salty water running down her red cheeks now of humiliation, and little sobs escaping from her mouth. She had to try and restrain them because she felt so bad about herself right now, she wanted to scream out wretchedly, and then if Paul let go of her, run away to the kitchen to find a knife so she could punish herself fatally- once and for all.
These thoughts scared her. Where were they coming from?
Paul started rubbing her hand gently with his thumb, trying to ease her slowly and gently, but it wasn’t working.
Elisabeth had been exposed to the failure she was, and defeated, she didn’t know what to do with herself.
“Don’t cry,” he stated again, but that just made it worse.
Paul had been so proud of her for saying no to Steve before- he’d said so. But now he probably didn’t even like her anymore.
Paul looked in despair at her, how she seemed to be breaking down even more, and he pulled her a little closer to him so he could rest his forehead on her head.
“Why are you crying?” He whispered to her, trying to get her to open up.
She sobbed away, but sensed the gentleness in Paul’s voice, and wondered whether she could talk to him or not.
If he knew more of the facts wouldn’t that just make him even more disappointed in her?
She couldn’t bear feeling like this. It was like her whole conscience was being pulled apart, slowly and agonisingly. She felt so much pain as she cried, a tight, panging pain in her chest where she was holding it all up inside. Maybe she should just let it free.
“Talk to me,” Paul whispered to her. “Tell me what happened.”
She took her hand away from his and wiped her eyes a moment. Taking some deep breaths, she found her voice and spoke, returning her hand to his once again, desperate that he would support her.
“I couldn’t stop it, Paul,” she whimpered.
“Stop what?” He spoke smoothly and softly, his face buried into her hair.
“It from happening. Us getting together…” Was she so weak? She thought. No, I did try… I did try and stop it happening, hadn’t I?
“What exactly happened?” Paul asked again calmly. “Tell me as far as you went.”
“Not very,” she replied quickly, and adamantly, getting that point across. “We were just… just…”
Ugh, she felt so disrespectable telling this to Paul. She felt cheap.
“Just what?”
“Just…” She sniffed. “Kissing on my bed, that’s all.” She wiped fresh tears away.
“He kissed you?” Paul said, to verify.
She just nodded, she could feel his head on hers, keeping her down, but it also gave her a sense of comfort. She needed Paul, really badly. She held onto her hands tightly, not wanting him to go.
“Okay, okay, that’s alright,” he soothed her, holding her hands tightly back. “I understand.”
No, he didn’t. She knew he didn’t. She could still see his eyes even now; the sadness, the disappointment and the pain. He was just trying to be nice- he didn’t understand her at all.
“I tried to stop him,” she said, forcefully, trying as if to win some of her dignity back from Paul. “I really did. W-W-When he c-came to the h-h-house, and I o-opened the d-door, I was angry; r-rea-really a-angry…”
“Slow down,” he paced her gently, giving her hand a little squeeze. “Take deep, slow breaths.”
“I’m sorry,” she mumbled, wanting to cry again, thinking she’d done something wrong yet again.
“Don’t be sorry, it’s okay,” he reassured her. “So- you were angry with him?”
“Yes.” Her voice broke. “Paul- I was, I was really mad!”
The image of Elisabeth being irate amused Paul and he laughed softly into her hair. “Okay, I believe you! How did he take to that?”
“Well when I was being all snappy towards him, he was being so arrogant, just expecting me to be how I was again…”
Elisabeth cast her mind back to the arguing, and she really did remember how ignorant and selfish he’d been then, just expecting her to be all warm and loving to him, even after all he’d said to her the other day.
“That sounds like Steve,” Paul mused. “Turning things around- like you’re in the wrong.”
“We were shouting at each other,” Elisabeth sobbed. “I was saying all that you’d told me, about how he was just using me, and wanting me for one thing only-”
“Uhhh… Lib- did you tell him I told you that?” Paul asked uneasily.
She nodded.
“Ohhhh… so that’s where the “threat” came from,” Paul said, understanding. “He wants me to stay away from you because I ‘feed your mind with evil thoughts about him’.”
“Paul- I believe you!” She suddenly said. “Everything you said about Steve- I know, it’s all true.”
Paul was confused by her sudden contradiction. He pulled his head away from her, so she could look up if she wanted to.
“If you know that, then why are you allowing yourself to keep going to him?” Paul asked her.
She paused a moment, and kept looking down. This was a big thing to say. She’d been thinking about it for a few days now, but never actually admitted it to anyone, let alone Steve, or even herself. Saying it to Paul now was a big deal. And she was scared.
“Because I love him,” she said, looking up to him.
A cloud seemed to well up inside Paul’s eyes, like they were misting over from that comment. It was covering all of his emotions, blocking off from Elisabeth what she shouldn’t see. It had affected him very much.
“You do?”
“Yeah, I do,” she replied quietly. “I know you think I’m crazy, and I know you think he’s gonna hurt me, and maybe I know that too- but when we’re together, I can’t help myself. There’s just so much between us. And when he kissed me on Sunday I felt like my whole world had been lifted. He made me feel so incredible- no guy has ever liked me before. Never. And he does, he’s special. I know he may only want one thing from me, and it may sound shallow- but I’m thrilled. I can’t believe he, or anyone, could ever see me that way. And my feelings for him are so strong nothing can stop me loving him.”
She looked down again, cheeks burning in embarrassment after pouring her heart out to Paul like that.
Yet every single word she spoke was the truth. She did feel all of those things- she knew she was doing something wrong, but desire took over. Desire of being wanted, needed and lusted after- it made her feel alive.
She could feel Paul’s eyes looking down at her, and she waited in baited breath for his reaction. It had been a risky thing to tell Paul- he could be disgusted by that and walk away from her, or…
He put his forehead back onto her head. “Ohhh Liiiib,” he mused to her. “Lib, you do know I hate this?”
“I know you think he’ll hurt me, but I think he can love me back,” she said determinedly to him.
“I really, really can’t see that happening,” Paul said. “Even with how much you feel you have. Nevertheless…” And he moved away from her slightly so she could look back up at him, and he held onto her tightly. “I can’t stop you from doing what you want to do.”
Elisabeth tried to look back into his eyes, but a barrier; a shield was down. He’d distanced himself from her.
“You’re upset,” she aid back at him.
He forced a little smile. “Of course I’m upset. I am so sure he will hurt you, yet I can’t change the way you feel and I can’t stop you from being with him if you want to be. I can warn you- but obviously passion takes over.”
She wished he didn’t look so separate from her, like he didn’t understand her anymore. She wanted his eyes back. They were so sterile now; lukewarm.
“Have I disappointed you?” She asked. She needed to know the answer to that badly. Yes, it was important what Paul thought of her; it mattered a lot.
“You haven’t disappointed me,” he assured her. “It’s Steve who’s disappointed me. I can’t believe he tried it on with you again.”
She didn’t like Paul talking about Steve like that. Steve had done it because he loved her, she was sure, not just because she was there.
“Paul, I love Steve,” she quietly pleaded.
“I know you do.”
The two continued to look at each other, Elisabeth still desperately trying to work how upset Paul was with her. Enough to jeopardise their friendship? She couldn’t bear that, couldn’t bear losing Paul.
A sense of déjà vu flew over her as she realised that their faces were inches apart then; a sudden nudge from behind and they’d be contacting. Elisabeth always felt different when she was in this situation- like part of her was being pulled away, like she was stepping through a shimmering wall of water into whatever it was below. She was taken to a new place when she was with Paul. It was fleetingly odd.
“Ohhhh great, I always did have the best timing!”
Becky’s loud voice broke the spell of the two, and they broke apart… not that they were even together… Elisabeth pulled away from him.
She really didn’t need this right now, not from Becky.
Elisabeth held her breath and waited for more absurd comments to come from Becky, but when all was quiet, she slowly looked at Paul.
“She’s gone,” he said to her.
‘Oh.”
There was one problem off her back.
“Lib…” Paul sighed, sounding frustrated. “Look- I better go, I’m not even “supposed to be here”.” He got up off the sofa, and Elisabeth looked at him in alarm.
“Paul- no! You’re not going to stay away from me- are you?!” She cried panickingly, getting up, too.
Paul looked back at her. ‘I don’t want to,” he said slowly.
“Well I don’t want you to either!” She stressed emphatically. “Paul- I need you right now.”
“What good am I to you if you don’t listen to me?” Paul said back to her, a degree of harshness in his voice.
She deserved that, she knew she did. But she took his hand. “Paul- I need your support. If I don’t have you, I have no-one.”
Paul could have said something clever back to this: ‘and who’s fault is that?’ came to mind, but he didn’t say it.
“I wonder if Steve would want us to keep seeing each other,” Paul mused, experimenting with her. “I wonder if he’s jealous.”
“Paul, I don’t care. I can’t do this by myself, I know you don’t agree with what I’m doing, but at least- please- promise to still be there for me.”
He broke away from her, pulled his cap down, and made no attempt for her to see his eyes again, because all trust in her was wearing thin.
“I can’t promise anything,” he said, and left.