~ello! Didn’t like writing this chapter- was too scary!! God knows what was going on in my head when I wrote this one- haha! Don’t like scary realistic Kate writing- hahahhaa! Neways, this chapter is a little draggy, but I promise it picks up again too… it has to!! Haha! Enjooooooy, *mwah* Kate xxx~
It’s funny how life can change. Emotions change reality in a few quick turns of a clock’s finger, thereby changing the past, present and future within a day. But of course, you cannot change the past- what’s done is done; however- you can change how you look at the past. Force yourself to think in a different way, so your life to live with at present, can be so much easier.
Elisabeth phoned Becky when she got in from work Monday night.
Her brother Dan answered the phone, and it was soon confirmed to Elisabeth that Becky was staying there, until things got sorted.
Dan’s tone of voice changed once he realised it was Elisabeth. He’d clearly heard the whole story from Becky’s point of view, and had jumped to the defence of his sister.
He said Becky didn’t want to talk to her.
Fair and an expected reaction Elisabeth justified- but please could she speak to her? It was urgent.
No, he replied firmly, no. She was untouchable.
Patience, Elisabeth warned herself, patience. She remembered that random little line Paul had sung the other day, “time can be a healer, and time can divide”- she couldn’t expect everything to go right straight away.
“Okay… will you tell her I called?” Elisabeth asked him, but he just grunted unfriendly at her, and hung up the phone.
It was then Elisabeth knew it was going to be hard work. But she accepted that. Whatever it took to patch things up with Becky, she was willing to do. She couldn’t expect Becky to just forgive her immediately; after all she’d seen… that was so selfish of her.
And that was something Elisabeth had learned these past few weeks.
That love makes you selfish.
Before, when she’d been the non-descript anonymous figure of the dating world, she hadn’t liked herself all that much, or considered herself remotely attractive. She’d been 24 years old, and had never kissed a guy in her life, nor did she think at any time in the immediate future would she do so. But instead of wallowing in her own self pity- in reality- the whole time, she used books to escape and try and find a fairytale world where she was perfect, love existed and she felt complete.
But life… life wasn’t a fairytale. It didn’t necessarily start with ‘Once Upon a Time’ and there wasn’t always a happy ending. Certainly there were no princes and princesses, no castles that you could go and live in, no ‘love at first sight’ that she’d always dreamed about.
It was a fantasy world; as books are fantasy worlds. Fiction is not real. Nor is fact real. In fact- words aren’t even real. They’re just strung together to make sense. People write about what they like, what they want to happen… it doesn’t mean it’s going to come true. And there was no way Prince Charming out there for Elisabeth. No ‘love at first sight’ where all you can think about is the other person, and everything you do… you do it for them.
No- love is selfish. Once you feel desired, wanted, lusted after, as she had with Steve, all you begin to think of is yourself.
How things can work out best for you. If this thing disappears- will you be okay? What did it matter what other people said, when you are always right? And it doesn’t matter about anyone else’s feelings… do what’s best for you, so you can be happy- there’s no time for friends, loyalty… honour.
Your own well-being is the most important thing in the world.
Except… it isn’t. And it never is.
If you do not give, you will not get. If you do not listen, then you shall not be heard. If you don’t love… then you shall not be loved back.
They were so simple; little rules for life… and it takes you so long to discover them.
She’d never been in love with Steve; she realised that now. In fact- she realised a lot of things about Steve now… and they all brought her back to Paul. And how right he’d been from the very start.
Still- you have to learn your own way. It wouldn’t sink in until you’ve made the mistakes yourself.
But she didn’t know anything about Steve!
That was the realisation.
How could you be in love with someone… who…
She didn’t know his last name. Paul’s was Marazzi.
She had no idea how old he was. Paul was 27.
Okay, she knew he was a mechanic, but she had no idea where he worked, or what it entailed- they’d never talked normally about, ‘how was your day?’ Yet- Paul was in a1. She knew all about a1 now- who they were, what songs they sung, how successful they were. She even knew where and what they were up to… because she spoke to Paul, and he told her.
She didn’t know Steve’s phone number. Paul’s… well… she knew Paul’s off by heart.
She had no idea where Steve lived. Paul lived in Maida Vale- he had an apartment there.
She knew nothing about Steve’s family. Paul’s parents lived in Spain, in Benidorm, also with his sister, Shareen, who was four years older than him, and she owned a bar there.
She knew nothing about what Steve liked to do, or did in his spare time. Paul loved music, listening to it, liking James Brown like her, writing songs, he was learning the guitar, he liked reading… and cooking…
She knew tonnes about Paul- and nothing about Steve.
How could you be in love with a person who you know nothing about?
Paul was just a friend, the only other guy she really knew… and she could not even compare him to Steve.
She’d ‘loved’ Steve because he’d made her feel wanted, and he’d made her feel attractive. He’d made her love herself, and exploit what she thought she had… but Steve was nothing else to her.
It had just been lust; just a physical thing between them that had built Elisabeth up emotionally. She couldn’t call Steve a ‘friend’- he was just… someone to make her feel better about herself.
She’d never been in love, it had all been a trick. And she could well see now that Steve had never, ever loved her- he’d just used her.
It didn’t hurt as much as she thought it would. Probably because she now knew how she felt about him.
Unrequited love was so painful; at least she didn’t have to go through that.
She missed him though, missed what he gave her. But she should never have pursued anything with him anyway- not when… he wasn’t hers.
She phoned Paul Tuesday and told him she’d had no luck with Becky.
Keep trying, he insisted. When he couldn’t finish a song, he left it, and then it went to waste. Keep trying.
So, she phoned again on Wednesday, after work, hoping and praying inside that Becky would give her a small chance.
Again, Dan picked up the phone, and said that Becky did not want to speak to her.
“Well how is she?!” Elisabeth pleaded.
“How do you think she is?” He retorted back.
She sighed. “I just… I just need her to know that I am so, so sorry for what’s happened and that she means more to me than he ever will and… I just need to talk to her.”
“She doesn’t want to talk to you.”
“Please!” Elisabeth cried, desperate. “I mean- what about all of her things? That are still here? Is she ever going to come back for them? We have to go through things at some point!”
“Look Elisabeth- now’s not the right time, okay?” He said irritably, and yet again she was the first to hear the dial tone.
If only she could get past him, she thought. If only Becky would answer the phone, or something… I’d text her… if her phone wasn’t at this house.
Again, she told herself that patience was the thing that would win here. Eventually, Becky would have to give in. When Elisabeth kept bugging her all her life to talk- eventually, she’d have to listen to her.
Elisabeth wasn’t entirely sure what she was going to say yet, given the chance. All her efforts were concentrated on the opportunity itself actually arising.
But she had to let Becky know all that she’d realised since: how selfish she had been in wanting to steal Steve from her, and have him all for herself- not caring that Becky really liked him. She had to tell her all about that green-eyed monster jealousy and how she’d experienced it for the first time in her life, and it was so, so shameful. She wanted to tell her how sorry she was for being like this.
How sorry that she let things with Steve keep going. How he’d been the only guy who’d ever, ever wanted her and because she felt such a bond with him because of that, she felt she had to cling onto him forever. She wanted to clear up the situation of how far they’d gone in their relationship- if it was any consolation letting Becky know that she was still a virgin.
But most of all that she’d been taken over by the feeling of being wanted, that she’d lost her old self and become this new creature who she disliked; and by now, she hoped, that it had dissembled and left her forever.
She wasn’t interested in guys and love anymore- not for the minute. She wasn’t sure what she felt, and she didn’t know if she was ready. But one thing she was sure of was that Becky’s friendship to her was so, so important and it was something which could last a lifetime, something she valued. And she would do anything if Becky would just come back and they could put all of this behind them, and move on.
Was that asking for too much? Was that asking for a miracle?
Elisabeth hoped not. Paul had taught her to believe: to always have hope for things, and to keep dreaming.
He texted her Thursday; saying that he’d come over and see her tomorrow night if he had time. That put the first smile in a long while upon her face.
He brought such relief and comfort to an otherwise unstable and lonely world- he was her only true friend right now, who stood by her, and she would never forget him for that, and all that he’d done for her.
When he’d come over on Sunday she’d meant to tell him how sorry she had been before, for just expecting him to be there for her, and pick up all the pieces- but it had slipped her mind. A few things had slipped her mind that day actually; like for a moment she’d forgotten she was ever scared by him and had hugged him. She still looked back at that with a little shudder. It was disturbing to think how close she’d been to him for just a few moments. Strangely though; it didn’t get to her. Uncomfortably she thought about it, but she was kind of glad it happened. Who knows if she’d ever fully break this ‘tension’ she had between her and Paul… but it was a start.
And he was coming over tomorrow hopefully and she wished she had something to tell him about Becky. Of course, she had loads to tell him about herself, but again- SELFISH! But she felt so much better within herself now, like a spring clean and all the bad vibes brushed away… and all she needed now was her best friend back.
She tried again, just because she might as well, on Friday after work. She wasn’t sure when Paul was coming over, but she might as well try Becky. If things didn’t work out this time… well, she would always keep going. Try again sometime during the weekend, maybe? When that ‘interfering’ Dan wasn’t there…
The phone picked up on the other end.
“Hello?”
Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!!! Forget the weekend!!
“Becky?!” Elisabeth cried happily.